Chapter Text
Present Day
Sam.
Coulson.
Her dad.
She couldn’t tell which betrayal hurt more. She didn’t know if one did- she had a different relationship with each of them but it wasn’t like they were unique. They each played the same role, protectors, mentors. Fathers. And they had all lied to her, not just once, not just over little things but for her whole life, about something that could have killed her, something that could have…
Something that could have saved her.
Then there was Joel- who was he? What role did he play in this, to them? To her dad. The answer was impossible, unimaginable. And completely obvious. If only she’d explored that discomfort to meet his stare but she hadn’t wanted to- had she known on some subconscious level and tried to save herself the heartache? But she couldn’t ignore it now. Couldn’t look away from the photo, the one she had the most featherlight grip on, torn between the desire to rip it into pieces and the fear of crumpling even the edges. She couldn’t tear her eyes from theirs.
They had the same eyes.
Jay’s eyes.
It was a kick when she was already down but the fierceness of the kiss he suddenly pressed to her head made her look at him and the fire in his gaze made her hold it. That was supposed to be her element. Yet when he pushed himself to his feet and strode for the elevator Tess didn’t watch him go- whatever he was going to do she trusted him. How many people could she say that about now?
We never meant to lie to you.
One day soon this is all going to make sense.
When it does know that we love you.
Love was great. Trust was better. Fire was best but she didn’t have that anymore. The longer she stared at that photo the more it banked until she found the others and it flared, bright, bold and beautiful. Then it went out, so thoroughly she didn’t think she’d ever get it back.
She hadn’t noticed.
How was that possible?
It was not an exaggeration to say she had gone through these albums thousands of times, from as soon as she’d been able to, hell, before she’d even fully understood what they were. How many times had she taken them out to hold them, like their proximity could bring her closer to her parents? Had she really just not taken out these ones? Missing one she could forgive herself for, not easily but with a bit of time she could do it but two? Three?
Four?
How could she have not noticed?
How was that possible?
Tess couldn’t even try to comfort herself by saying maybe they’d been added later because they’d been solely in her possession for the last two decades. Last decade. Other people had technically had access but Jay and Mouse would’ve told her the second they found anything and Lydia… Her eyes drifted back to the last photo she’d found, like the others also hidden between the pages, memories that hadn’t been meant to be shared with her. A secret no one had wanted her to learn. But how deep did it go? Something had already broken inside her knowing every father figure she’d ever had had kept it from her and this photo, clearly taken on her parents wedding day made it clear two of her mother figures had too. But one was conspicuously, or maybe not, absent. Her aunt was no where to be seen. In this photo anyway, there were several that proved Lydia had been there that day, to say nothing of the countless stories she’d been told though clearly a lot had been kept private. Why hadn’t she been included in this moment? Why do any of this?
I made a promise.
For some operatives civilian identities are killed when an operative is comprised.
For some, it’s a requirement of taking the job.
That was the job Joel had signed up for. The job her father had too judging by the second photo, the colour of the uniform he wore with such pride bringing out the green in his eyes. In their eyes.
But it was her job too. She could understand not telling her as a child, they couldn’t be trusted to respect the importance of secrets and shouldn’t be forced to carry that burden even if they did. She even understood not telling her after her parents’ death- what would have been the point? It wouldn’t have helped her grief and may very well have hurt, not just her memories of them but the tenuous grip she’d had on her mental health. But once she’d joined the agency, fuck that, the moment Coulson had startled her in her apartment he should have told her the truth.
God she was hungry. The minute she got inside she was slipping into her sweatpants, devouring the Thai food she'd picked up and smoking a big ass bowl. Probably a few. She had a massive migraine and not the kind that came from spending all day staring at screens. The kind that came from having to deal with uptight corporate types who had no earthly clue what she doing yet thought it necessary to try and tell her how to do her job.
Tess let out an audible grumble, trying to huff strands of hair out of her eyes so she could fish her keys from her purse as she came to her door. It took less than a minute to open the lock then she slipped inside, kicking off her boots and heading for the kitchen until she stopped dead in her tracks when she saw the man standing by the living room window. His body was angled away from her as he looked into the small courtyard below but she knew there was no way he hadn't heard her. Was she about to be dead? No. He was dressed too sharply to be a burglar; his dark grey suit was nondescript enough to not catch the eye but also obviously well made if you knew what to look for. And if she was right that was a gun strapped to his ankle. Spare to the one tucked in the back of his waistband based on the lump beneath his jacket. Definitely not a burglar.
An agent.
This wasn't the first time she'd been approached by the government. Around a dozen times about working for them, twice about being sent to prison by them but this was the first time they'd broken into her apartment to have the conversation.
He should have told her the truth.
He could have told her and he’d chosen not to.
I made a promise.
That was fair. But it wasn’t enough. He’d made her promises too, had fucking held her hand at some of her lowest moments, looked into her eyes and still kept quiet. He’d disrespected her in the most hurtful way and that… it should be infuriating. Would be to anyone who could feel that emotion but where that fire had once burned inside her now there was just… Just a deep fucking well of sadness.
“Where is he?”
“Who?”
Fair.
“Coulson.”
“He’s flying back to Langley from Washington.”
The best time to talk to him, when there were no emergencies to pull either of them away but she didn’t feel like talking. She just snapped a photo of the one where Joel was holding her as an infant and texted it to him, then shut off every means he had of accessing her. Then Sam and Joel. There would be no heads-up, no getting their story straight but as for how or even when she would get that story… Tess didn’t have the energy to think about that never mind make a plan. It was all she could do to clean up the mess she’d made in her frantic search, wishing she could cry as she painstakingly debated whether she put each picture back or rearrange them all but even those wouldn’t come. She thought about making them, chugging some tequila or listening to sad music but she didn’t have the energy. She felt… lost. Adrift.
Until Jay came back.
She didn’t bother checking how long he’d been gone, and only half-tried to decide between the metaphor of him being her anchor and her light before deciding it didn’t matter. Because when she heard the elevator coming back up she felt better. Still heartbroken, still with that strange coolness in her gut but a little more centred. No matter how bad things got, how much of their worlds were torn down there wasn’t anything they couldn’t overcome.
“I’m a world class spy and I didn’t notice.” She attempted to quip when he finally came to a stop beside her, as stunned by the new photos as she still was.
She still didn’t understand how she hadn’t noticed.
His inhale was sharp and low and after a second his hand came to rest on the back of her head, gentle but not as comforting as he meant it to be because she could feel the anger he had no problem feeling. And then he walked away. Not back to the elevator but into their bedroom, such a clipped stride she just blinked after him. She didn’t think he’d ever walked away from her when she was hurting before. It was so surprising she didn’t have time to think about going after him before he was coming back but as soon as she saw their go-bags in his hands she was on her feet.
“You’re not going looking for answers.” He said firmly, his face tight but his eyes warm, not just with love but surety. “We’re going to get them from the source.”
And just like that the task didn’t seem so daunting.
Still heavy but she had him to rest on. And she did, not as much as she would have if he’d let her take her own bag and balanced out their weight but her head rested on his shoulder and that was enough. She didn’t even ask where they were going, or what was in the hatch that kept grabbing Aelin’s attention, content that whatever he had planned was something she would agree with. More than that, was something that would help.
But when she realized he wasn’t going to the airport, or the port, that he was heading to the highway she couldn’t contain her curiosity. “Okay, now I’m asking.”
“We’re going private this time.” Jay answered with a small huff of laughter, his eyes just as heavy as her own but also bright, and not just with resolve but pride.
He liked taking charge.
Was good at it too and she resolved to give him the reigns more often- he was the one who was supposed to lead after all. As for what her role was going to become… Tess had no idea. She still had purpose, protecting her family, her friends, the innocent, fighting to make the world a better place but she still felt…
Hollow.