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Sieun arrives at the hospital room with an annoyed Suho and an even more annoyed nurse. The nurse, Nurse Lee, has been taking care of Suho since he was confined in the hospital, since he was in comatose state.
“You know what, you’re easier to take care of when you’re sleeping,” Nurse Lee mutters with a heavy sigh.
“I can take care of myself now, thank you very much,” Suho grunts, taking another step away from Nurse Lee.
Nurse Lee has always been kind, kinder to Sieun because of how sad she sees him when he was visiting Suho and just staying outside Suho’s hospital room. So Sieun can’t understand what’s going on with the two.
“What’s going on?” Sieun quietly asks, tearing Suho’s and Nurse Lee’s glare to each other to glance at him, probably just realizing now that Sieun has been there because they’re too busy biting at each other.
Suho opens his mouth to speak but Nurse Lee beats him to it. “This brat won’t let me help him take a bath. It’s been three days since he woke up and he hasn’t cleaned himself up yet,” she explains. “The doctor has told me since Tuesday to help him take a bath. I’m going to lose my job because of this brat, Sieun-ah.”
Sieun looks at Suho who opens his mouth, as if to explain, but closes it again. Finally, he grabs the towel in Nurse Lee’s hands and pushes himself inside the bathroom.
“I can take a bath myself,” he deadpans, slamming the door behind him.
Sieun is left there outside with a sighing Nurse Lee, both of them staring at the closed door.
“Explain to me how that brat can take a bath himself when he still has needle sticking to his hand, cast in his right leg and he can barely move both his legs,” Nurse Lee says, running a hand through her slightly curly hair. She pushes the frame of her glasses that has been falling to its appropriate place in her nose and waves at Sieun. “Call me if anything happens. I’ll just be in the nurse’s station, okay?”
Sieun nods.
After Nurse Lee leaves, Sieun stands there in Suho’s room, staring at the bathroom’s door. At first, he can hear grunts and painful hisses, probably because Suho keeps hitting or moving the needle in his hand. Then, he hear the sound of the water. Sieun relaxes a bit, maybe Suho is right. Maybe he can take a bath himself.
It has only been thirty seconds when the next things he hears are yelps, curses and falling things. Sieun stands up from sitting on the couch and knocks heavily at the bathroom door.
“Suho? What’s going on? Are you okay?” Sieun asks, still knocking.
There is a pause before Suho answers. “I’m okay.” He says that but he curses right after saying that. “Fucking needle.”
“Open the door,” Sieun instructs, still knocking.
“What?”
“Suho, open the door because I break this thing down.”
“Everything’s fine, Sieun-ah,” Suho says, still trying to convince himself that everything is fine because he sure is not convincing Sieun. “Just… um, come back later, okay?”
Sieun takes a deep breath before he says, “Alright, I’m kicking the door —“
The door flies open because Suho worries more about his grandmother finding out that his bathroom door is broken than Sieun seeing him… like that.
Inside is Suho whose hospital gown is half off him, the needle is clearly misplaced as there are already few drops of blood from his hand to the floor, and the shower head is spilling water and on the floor.
Suho doesn’t meet Sieun’s eyes although the latter only briefly looks at him before he steps inside the bathroom door. He turns off the shower first, puts back the shower head in its proper place before he attends to Suho’s hand. In his almost two years going back and forth the hospital to visit and check on Suho, he has seen Nurse Lee more than enough times to know how to put it back properly. That and researching about how to help Suho when he wakes up more than he cares about his studies while Suho was still sleeping.
After Sieun fixes Suho’s dextrose needle in his hand, Suho chuckles awkwardly and says, “Thanks, man. I’m okay now. I can manage.”
Sieun looks at Suho as if he’s grown two heads before he reaches his hand to Suho’s half taken off hospital gown. Suho’s reflex allows him to swat Sieun’s hand although it’s not as strong as how Sieun knows.
Still hiding behind his awkward laugh, Suho asks. “What are you doing?”
“Helping you.” Sieun answers, looking at Suho as if he is just stating the obvious.
“What?” Suho visibly panics. “Hey, Yeon Sieun. Trust me, will you? I can take a bath myself.”
Sieun stares at the one in the wheelchair.
Suho’s face is deflated, despite his faux confidence. Sieun can see right through him. “It’s okay, Suho-ya.”
Suho stares at Sieun, confused, and surprised, at the sudden endearment.
Perhaps what’s even more confusing is how Sieun seems to understand Suho more than Suho can currently understand himself. So Sieun continues, “Whatever it is you’re hiding, whatever it is you’re embarrassed about, they don’t matter because you’re awake. That’s the best thing right now.”
He can see how Suho’s face softens, unlike before when it’s a little scared and a little broken. Sieun doesn’t like that in Suho’s face.
“You know what?” Suho breaks the long silence of them just looking right at each other, waiting for the other to say the punch line that didn’t come because Suho’s fear is real although what Sieun said is also the truth. “You’ve become quite a talker.”
“And you’re still a pain in the ass,” Sieun replies, moving closer towards Suho. “Lift your left arm.”
This time, Suho does exactly what he’s told. “I should hit your new friends who probably taught you to talk like that.”
Sieun successfully removes the top part of Suho’s hospital gown. “They didn’t,” he tells Suho. “You did.”
“I did?” Suho took offense, jokingly.
“Who fights and calls everything “asshole” every single punch or kick he throws?”
Suho whistles, looking at Sieun as he tries to slip the gown all over his dextrose. “Are you going to make me take off my underwear, too?” There is a smirk after his question to which Sieun rolls his eyes.
“If you want me to wash your balls, too. Sure,” Sieun answers and he watches Suho’s face grow redder every second that passes.
“I’m keeping my underwear,” Suho declares.
“Okay,” Sieun nods. “You need to keep your hand away from the water. Let’s start by washing your hair first. Then, your body.”
Suho is perfectly compliant and doesn’t complain when Sieun begins to wet his hair gently and lather it with shampoo. Sieun’s hands are careful and Suho can feel how Sieun watches his every move. “You can scrub harder, Sieun-ah. I’m not made of glass. I’m not going to break just because of shampooing.”
Sieun knows that but he also knows that Suho has just woken up from almost two years of being in comatose. He’s not taking any chance. But still, he doesn’t want to make Suho feel any more weaker than he already thinks he is now. He tries to scrub Suho’s hair a little harder, tugging some hair every now and then.
“Close your eyes,” Sieun instructs when he is about to wash the shampoo off Suho’s head.
Suho does what he’s told and keeps still.
“Don’t you think soaping me is too much?” Suho asks when Sieun is about to lather his body with body wash this time. He looks both a little timid and a little offended.
“Can you use both your hands?” Sieun asks.
“No, I still have this dextrose —“
“Then, it’s not too much. Stay still. This will be done faster if you stop complaining every step of the way.”
Suho grunts a little but doesn’t say anything anymore for a moment, letting Sieun do whatever he thinks he needs to do with Suho’s body. He’s looking away, though. In the mirror and in the ceiling but never looking at Sieun’s face or Sieun’s hands tracing all over this bare skin.
“I have lots of scars,” he suddenly speaks, still staring at the ceiling. He can feel where Sieun’s hands are right now, over the scar on his right leg. He has scars on his arms and on his back as well. Some of them are from that night and some have accumulated from every other fight he had.
Sieun hums in agreement, Suho’s discouraged voice not escaping his ears.
“They’re kind of ugly and disgusting. You didn’t have to see them,” Suho continues, “but here we are.” He sighs and closes his eyes but he feels Sieun’s hands stop moving. He opens his eyes again and makes a mistake of looking at Sieun staring at that big scar. But Sieun doesn’t look the least bit disgusted.
Sieun traces his hand over the scar. “Your scar is not ugly or disgusting, Suho-ya. Do you know why?”
Suho’s brows are crossed but he still asks. “Why?”
“Because they’re you. And you’re not ugly. Or disgusting.” Sieun says in all seriousness. “You can be insufferable and a glutton and an asshole but you are strong. These scars are your badge of honor.”
“Sieun-ah.”
Sieun looks him in the eyes.
“I wasn’t strong. And I’m not strong now. I don’t think I’ll ever be strong again.”
That breaks Sieun’s heart but he can’t break down because he knows Suho is breaking down right now. He needs to be strong, if only for Suho. “You were. You always are. You will get back to your feet again.”
“How are you so sure?”
“I’m sure because I will help you.”
Suho just looks at him for a moment before he breaks into a soft smile and asks. “Like help me take a bath?”
Sieun’s lips move to make the lightest curve but Suho knows it’s a smile already because of his eyes. “Yeah.”
After Sieun washes all the soap from Suho’s body, he tells Suho to close his eyes again because he is now going to wash his face. Suho obediently does as he’s told while Sieun creeps down a little to meet his eye level. Suho can feel Sieun’s breath in his face.
“Sieun-ah,” Suho begins.
Sieun hums. “Hm?”
Suho doesn’t answer for a while and Sieun just stays there like that, waiting. “Suho?” Sieun asks again, worry etching in his voice.
Finally, Suho opens his eyes for a moment and meets Sieun’s, only a couple of inches away. Sieun almost stumbles back in surprise but he doesn’t because Suho’s eyes are holding him, just as how Suho’s always holding him together. He stays and looks at the eyes of the boy he promised the heavens he will never let any harm happen to him again if they just give him back again, if they give him a second chance again to protect him and take care of him.
Suho knows it’s not ideal. He knows he’s almost butt naked, if not for the underwear he’s wearing, but in the three days since he woke up, he has never felt like he deserved to wake up. He knows he should be grateful but he doesn’t know if his body will ever return to how it was before. He can’t even take a fucking bath himself.
“Tell me what’s wrong,” Sieun says, never leaving Suho’s gaze.
Suho doesn’t really want to say it. He doesn’t want to look weak more than how he already is feeling. But Sieun’s eyes are compelling and just telling one person surely is not going to make any difference to how shitty he is feeling.
“I,” Suho starts. “I feel so weak. I know, I should be thankful that I even woke up. But… my body feels so weak and I feel so fucking useless —“
Suho doesn’t even realize it until he feels water in his cheeks. He quickly brings his hand to wipe the tears but Sieun’s hands are faster as he brings his hands to Suho’s cheeks, a little like when Suho was teaching him basic self defense. Suho is forced to look back at Sieun’s eyes and his heart breaks a thousand times more when he feels that Sieun is also tearing up. Not quite crying like himself but there are also tears welled up in Sieun’s eyes, threatening to fall each passing second.
“I thought you’d never wake up,” Sieun confesses in a quiet voice. “I thought… that I’d never see you open your eyes again, or talk to you, or argue with you for one year and nine months. Do you know how I felt during those times? Like my heart is being pulled out of my chest every goddamn second. Like I am also dying…”
“I’m sorry, Suho-ya,” Sieun continues. “Can I just be selfish now?”
Suho looks at Sieun because he still doesn’t understand what the latter is saying.
“I know your body is not how it used to be. I know you’re frustrated because you can’t do a lot of things for now. But please stop saying you’re useless,” Sieun chokes, his tears finally falling. “Because to me…”
Suho doesn’t hear anything anymore because of how Sieun uncontrollably cries and Suho never wants to see Sieun cry, much more to be the reason why Sieun cries or is hurt. He can only imagine how much Sieun has cried for him for almost two years while he was asleep. And thinking that, he scolds himself for still making Sieun cry even after he woke up.
His own tears stop and he quickly reaches out his free hand to pull Sieun closer and hold him, letting Sieun’s sob be muffled by his shoulder. “I’m sorry,” Suho whispers softly, gently patting the other’s back. “I’m sorry, Sieun-ah. Please don’t cry.”
It takes more time for Suho to calm Sieun down than the entire time Sieun has helped Suho take a bath.
“Hey,” Suho says. “I’m here now, okay? I woke up. Like you said, it’s the best thing right now.”
“But you don’t see it. You don’t —“ Sieun says in between sobs. He can’t seem to stop himself from crying. “You don’t know how extremely thankful I am that I even get to talk to you again. And that you get to talk back to me again.”
Suho has to smile a little at that, remembering how they use to talk back to each other a lot. He can only bring Sieun even closer to him, almost placing a kiss to the other’s hair as a gesture to comfort his friend. Although he thinks it’s too weird of a time for that right now. He settles on holding Sieun tightly.
He thinks Sieun is not being selfish. He thinks he is the one being selfish. He’s so focused to how shitty he feels after waking up that he didn’t even think about how shitty the people around him feels when he was asleep and they weren’t even sure if he would wake up. He thinks too much of how weak he feels and how he can’t use his body the way he used to that he fails to think about the people who are just thankful that he opened his eyes again.
Suho’s heart feels full at the thought that Sieun is just grateful he gets to talk back to him again. He wants to cry at the strangeness of Sieun being happy that he has someone to talk back to him again but he wants to offer comfort to Sieun now more than he wants to be the one comforted, knowing that while he was sleeping, Sieun probably needed comfort from him that he wasn’t capable to give in his state.
So for now, he holds Sieun as tightly as he can, for as long as Sieun lets him.
“You know what,” Suho quietly says. “I’m thankful I was able to come back to you, too.”
Sieun only sobs harder at that. He only pulls away when he is painfully aware that his snot is probably all over Suho’s shoulder already and they have been in that position for an embarrassingly long time already. They will probably do a lot of explaining if someone comes in and they need to tell them why Sieun is helping Suho take a bath for over an hour.
He pulls away and Suho meets his eyes now with a calmer expression, with no leftover rage as how it has been in the past three days. Rage with what happened and rage with how he is now are all gone. He looks sheepishly at Sieun and says. “You okay now, kid?”
Sieun wipes the remaining tears from his eyes with him arm. “As long as you stop pushing that bullshit about you being useless.”
Suho grins. “How can I be useless? I’m a great snot receiver, aren’t I? Look, your snot is all over my perfectly toned body. Do you see my muscles covered in your snot?”
“Shut up and finish your bath.”
“Fine,” Suho chuckles. “But do you see my muscles?”
Sieun rolls his eyes and proceeds to wash Suho’s face. Then, he steps out of the bathroom to let Suho do whatever he will with his private area and to change his underwear himself. Suho tells him that no matter how close of friends they are, there are still limits like washing his own balls. Finally, Sieun steps in again to help him into a new hospital gown.
After almost forty-five minutes, Suho feels like a new person, smelling like chamomile and lavender (his grandmother’s choice).
Nurse Lee comes back after about five minutes since Suho finishes taking a bath, or since Sieun finished giving Suho a bath. She looks so impressed that Suho doesn’t look like shit anymore that she ruffles Suho’s still wet hair. “I am going to hire Sieun here,” she declares. “Makes my job so much easier.”
“I won’t help someone else take a bath though,” Sieun tells her.
“Oh, so you’re like Suho’s personal nurse only?” Nurse Lee says with a grin.
The way Nurse Lee says that brings heat to both Sieun and Suho’s faces.
“I didn’t say that,” Sieun argues at the same time Suho hollers, “Nurse Lee!”
“Alright, fine, I take that back,” the nurse says although she can’t seem to take the grin off her face and her expression is really not taking anything back. “As long as Suho gets to take a bath at least every other day now. Can you do it?”
She says it more to Sieun than to Suho because she is looking firmly now at Sieun and not to Suho.
Suho is about to say something like, he can probably take a bath himself in the next two days, his legs will definitely get better, he will be unhooked to dextrose and his cast will be removed. But before he can even open his mouth, he hears Sieun answer.
“Yes,” Sieun answers seriously.
“Alright, I’ll tell the doctor Suho has finally, successfully taken his first bath since he woke up,” Nurse Lee tells them. “You’ll probably be scheduled for your first therapy this week, Suho. Try not to smell when you do. Have pity for the therapists. But I trust Sieun here. Sieun is always so dependable when it comes to you.”
Suho looks at Sieun who looks back at him, not even refuting what Nurse Lee is saying. The nurse bids them goodbye again and they are left with a silence that is both awkward and not.
“You have class.” Suho finally speaks.
Sieun looks at him, waiting. As if saying, and?
“You can’t possibly come back here every other —“
“I can.”
“But you don’t have to.”
“What if I want to?” Sieun holds Suho’s gaze.
Suho opens his mouth and closes it again, like a fish, really surprised at every turn of this afternoon. “You’re never going to let me have the last say, aren’t you?”
Precious memories cross both their minds, remembering when Suho first said that to Sieun.
“No,” Sieun confidently answers.
“Then, let me say this again,” Suho says, looking straight into Sieun’s eyes. “I’m happy to come back to you, Sieun-ah. Truly happy.”
And Sieun doesn’t talk back. He smiles like it’s the most natural thing for him to do, just like how he smiled to Suho for the first time, full, genuine and unfaltering.