Chapter Text
(Harry’s POV)
Harry knew he was different when he was 12 years old. When his friends started looking at and appreciating girls, Harry would look at and appreciate boys. He never said anything. To anyone. He didn’t feel comfortable with it, or himself. In fact, he was ashamed of himself, and of his feelings.
At seventeen years old, he never thought he’d move to London on a leap of faith to live with two guys he’d never met before, but alas, there he was, gangly limbed and knock kneed with too much luggage, too much luggage that also didn’t seem like enough for the size of the adventure he was to embark on.
Months later, still seventeen but a few weeks shy of his eighteenth birthday, Harry would creep out alone in the middle of the night to meet up with guys from all across the city, some of them shamefully older that he was, to experiment.
No one knew. He was safe with his experiences, as safe as he could be while meeting up with strangers in the middle of the night all over the city… but he still felt disgusted with himself, and the secrets he kept from his friends, with this double life he’d started to live since he’d moved across the ocean.
One day, weeks after Harry started sneaking out at night for quick hook ups, the subject of Homosexuality came up in conversation. Initially, Harry had bristled, tensing up at the mere thought, however what was said shocked Harry to his core, a surprise if anything, because he’d been expecting a negative reaction.
‘Love is love, man,’ JJ said flippantly. ‘People can love whoever they want to. I don’t get what the issue is.’
‘It’s normal,’ Josh said, a soft smile on his face, half asleep on the sofa. ‘Absolutely nothing wrong with loving someone. Since when has loving someone been the wrong thing to do?’
Harry’s everlasting fondness for Joshua Bradley blossomed once more, his love for the man nesting in the darkest and coldest crevices of Harry’s bleeding heart.
Even though the words weren’t aimed at him, Harry felt validated for the first time. He felt brave.
He hadn’t felt this brave since he was 12 years old.
And yet he held back. And yet he didn’t say anything. To anyone. Heck, he hadn’t even told his parents yet… and he didn’t know why. His parents had always been supportive of him and his ventures so Harry thought they’d be accepting.
So, with that thought in mind, Harry called home one Wednesday afternoon while the Cals were out doing whatever it was they were doing.
The phone rang twice before it was answered.
‘Harry, Sweetheart?’ His mum called excitedly down the phone. ‘How are you?’
‘I’m good, Mum,’ Harry answered, smiling softly while he stared out of the window of the flat and down at the bustling city of London below. ‘Really good. Just wanted to hear your voice, is all.’
‘You’re settling in well? Your friends are looking after you?’
‘I don’t need looking after, Mum,’ Harry said, his words fond yet exasperated. ‘But yes, they’re looking after me. You don’t need to worry.’
‘Good. I just worry about you all the time. You’re so far away… I keep forgetting you aren’t just in your room upstairs making videos anymore.’
A lump formed in Harry’s throat. ‘Well, I’m coming home next week for a few days. I booked the flights last night. I want to see everyone again.’
‘Oh Harry, that’s wonderful!’ his mum cried out. ‘We’ll buy your favourite snacks and we’ll cook all of your favourite meals!’
‘You don’t have to.’
‘Rosie and Josh will be ecstatic to see you!’ she carried on. ‘And your father! Oh he’ll be so pleased to see you!’
Harry’s cheeks flushed. ‘You’re ridiculous, you know that right?’
‘That’s no way to talk to your mother!’ she said, scandalised, but Harry knew she was smiling. She was always smiling when it came to Harry.
And that knowledge was what did it. Her love for him was what made him feel safe enough to finally say the words that he’d kept silenced for years.
He’d never come out to anyone before so therefore he didn’t really know how to go about it. He just knew he had to say it, he had to tell her, so with his heart hammering away inside his chest, with his hands sweating with the anxiety that ran rampant in the confines of his veins, Harry blurted out a choked, ‘I’m gay!’
His eyes widened at his own admission, at how loud and how cracked his words had been, and how unnatural he had sounded in the moment.
He was met with silence on the other end of the phone, and for a moment Harry thought the connection had dropped… only he could hear his mum breathing down the line, a little heavier than before.
‘Mum?’ Harry asked, a little breathless. ‘Mum, are you there?’
And still he waited for the reassurances he had heard would follow (at least, that’s what all of the online forums and threads had told him would follow when coming out to accepting parents), waited for her declarations of unconditional love for her oldest son.
‘What did you just say?’ she asked in a harsh whisper, harsh enough to set Harrys nerves alight once more.
(Only… only the declarations of love never came).
‘Mum?’
‘I knew letting you go to London would be a mistake,’ she said bitterly. ‘You’re… you’re unnatural. You’re… you’re a monster.’
Harry’s stomach fell through the floor.
‘You are to never step foot in Guernsey again, do you hear me?’ she shouted, angry, hysterical. There’s no reasoning with her. Oh my God, I can’t reason with her. ‘You will never darken our doorstep again!’
‘Mum –‘
‘You are no son of mine!’
Harry’s phone beeped twice, signalling that the call had ended, and he stared straight ahead at the wall, shock burning its way through his body like molten lava razing a city to the ground. He trembled all over, sat on the edge of his bed, her words and her anger echoing in his ears.
He dropped his phone to the carpeted floor with a dull thud.
What about his dad? Would he think the same as his mum?
Would he ever hear from his dad again?
What if he never saw his siblings again? What if his siblings hate him?
His little sister. His little brother.
Tears ran down his cheeks in untamed waves, burning tracks down his skin.
I’m alone. I’m on my own. I can never go home again. I’m… I’m stuck here.
I’m alone.
And then he was hyperventilating, fucking panicking, and for the first time, he was glad that the Cals had gone out for the afternoon.
His heart twisted painfully.
What if the Cals had a similar reaction?
What if the Sidemen just said that before, and, really, they hate people like Harry?
What if the Sidemen hate me too?
He cried some more, cried so much, breathed too heavy and too fast and too desperate to register the Cals loudly coming home. He didn’t hear them call out a greeting. He didn’t hear the pause before they called out his name, louder this time.
In fact, he didn’t even register their presence until they were both in his room, crouched before him, worry on their faces.
(Their faces that were familiar. Their faces that were friendly. Their faces that were safe).
‘Harry? Can you hear me?’ Freezy asked, a hand on Harry’s knee. ‘Dinho?’
Lux didn’t reach out for him, but he hovered, watching Harry intently, his mouth pulled into a frown. ‘Harry?’
Seeing the love and the concern they had for him (what if it all goes away if I tell them?) Harry cried harder, loud and unrestrained. He broke down; he sobbed into his hands and hunched over. His stomach hurt with the sheer force of his sobs. His throat ached from the intensity of his pain, feeling rather like someone had pierced his neck with a blade.
Lux and Freezy let out bewildered noises of surprise and they moved. They sat either side of him on the bed, an arm around his shoulders, a hand on his arm, fingers carding through his hair.
And still Harry cried.
And still Harry panicked.
I can’t go home. I have no home to go back to. I’m… I’m on my own, just like I always feared I would be.
Lux and Freezy… what happens if they hate me too?
‘Calm down, Harry,’ a voice soothed. Freezy. ‘Breathe, mate. Just calm down. We’re here.’
‘What’s wrong, Harold?’ That was Lux. ‘Come on, mate, you can tell us.’
Harry sucked in a breath, but another choked sob spilled out of him in return. He let out a hopeless noise, completely and utterly aching.
‘Dinho,’ Freezy said softly. It was here that Harry realised the arm around him was Freezy’s. Harry unconsciously leaned into the touch, into the older man, seeking any comfort he could get his hands on.
What if it all goes away?
What if I don’t get to have this ever again?
‘It’s okay, Harry,’ Lux said, pressing up against his other side. ‘Whatever it is, we’re here, okay?’
‘My mum,’ Harry sobbed out. ‘My mum, she… she…’ His throat twinged with pain. His hands shook where they covered his face. He lowered them so that the Cals could hear his next words, lowered them so he didn’t have to say it twice. ‘She kicked me out.’ Either side of him, the Cals stiffened. ‘Told me… told me to never come back.’
‘Oh, Harry,’ Freezy whispered. The arm around Harry’s shoulders tightened, holding him closer.
Harry took the leap. He lowered his hands, grabbed onto Freezy’s shirt and buried his face against Freezy’s chest. The hand in his hair remained, a warm, calming weight.
‘I… I…’ he sobbed. ‘I-I…’
The words ‘I’m gay’ were trapped on the tip of his tongue. Harry gagged with the weight of them, his body shuddering in a futile attempt at expelling them from his body.
‘Hush. Hush, mate. You’re okay, Dinho,’ Freezy whispered. Harry might have been imagining it, but he swore Freezy’s voice wavered. ‘Lux and I are right here when you’re ready.’
‘You’ll hate me.’
‘Never. Never.’
‘We love you,’ Lux added on. ‘Whatever it is, we love you.’
They love me. They love me.
I thought Mum loved me too.
Harry continued to cry, and his friends made no move to get him to talk. They just sat with him, touching him, calming him, grounding him with their soft reassurances.
Oh well. If I’m going to lose them too, I might as well do it now.
‘I’m… I…’ he swallowed sharply. ‘I’m g-gay,’ he stuttered, choking the words out like they were thick, black smoke. He pulled on Freezy’s shirt so hard he thought he heard fabric tear.
‘Oh, it’s okay, Harry,’ Lux said immediately, his warm hand squeezing his leg. ‘That doesn’t matter. It’s okay. We love you.’
‘Yeah. Thank you for telling us that,’ Freezy said. ‘We’re so proud of you for telling us that.’
‘My mum –‘
‘Doesn’t deserve you,’ Freezy said bluntly, angry. ‘We’ve got you, and so do the Sidemen. We’ll look after you.’
‘They don’t know about me,’ Harry cried out, still hiding against Freezy’s chest. He was positive the other man’s shirt was stained with tears and snot. Harry couldn’t help but feel guilty. ‘They’re gonna hate me too.’
‘They won’t hate you,’ Lux said. ‘And we won’t say a word, to anyone, until you’re ready. But just know that they won’t care about this. They’ll still love you, just like we do.’
Thank God.
Thank fucking God.
I can’t lose anyone else.
‘I can’t go home,’ Harry sobbed, crumbling once more. ‘I can’t go home.’
‘I know, I’m sorry. We’re so sorry, Harry.’
‘My stuff. All… all my stuff.’
‘I know, Harry. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.’
‘I have… I have no home left to go to,’ he cried out. ‘I have no place.’
‘Yes, you do,’ Freezy argued firmly. ‘Your place is here with us, with all of us. You have a home here, with us, for as long as you want it. You have a home here, Harry, and so many people here love you.’
I don’t… I don’t believe it.
Not yet.
Harry held his breath for a moment. He let it out shakily. Tears rolled down his cheeks but the sobbing had subsided – his body still trembled and shook like a leaf in amidst a storm. ‘They don’t know the real me.’
‘This is just a part of you, Harry,’ Lux soothed. ‘Just the smallest part of you, and they won’t care. If they really care about you, they won’t care about this. It won’t be a big deal. They’ll… they’ll still love you. I swear.’
‘You… you both care about me, right?’
‘Always, Harold. Always.’
It seemed to take an age, but eventually Harry calmed down enough to stop crying for a moment, stopped crying enough to take a breath, to be able to breathe without pain shooting down his throat, his oesophagus, and into his stomach.
‘There we go,’ Freezy said. ‘There we go. That’s it. Just keep breathing for me, mate. You’re okay.’
‘I’m sorry,’ Harry whispered.
‘No. No,’ Lux said. ‘You have nothing to be sorry for.’ He squeezed Harry’s leg. ‘Have you eaten anything today?’
‘Not hungry,’ Harry mumbled miserably.
‘You need to eat, Bog,’ Freezy scolded gently.
‘Just wanna sleep,’ Harry admitted. ‘Just wanna hide.’
‘Of course,’ Lux said easily. ‘We can eat some food later, can’t we?’
Freezy went to get up, but Harry pulled again on his shirt. No. Don't leave. Please don't leave. ‘We’ll stay,’ Freezy reassured, his fingers scratching at Harry’s scalp. ‘Of course we’ll stay with you.’
They lay together in Harry’s bed, boxing him in, while he sniffled and cried again, basking like a cat in the sun over their unwavering support and love.
‘I love you,’ Harry managed to say, his words weak, his voice trembling, his throat sore and aching from his tears, from the intensity of his emotion. ‘I love you both so much.’
‘We love you too, Dinho,’ Freezy whispered. ‘Always. No matter what.’
And when Harry fell into a restless slumber, dried tear tracks on his pale cheeks, Lux and Freezy looked at each other sharing equal expressions of heartache and anger.
‘Harry will be safe with us,’ Lux said firmly.
‘We’ll keep him safe,’ Freezy agreed. He ran a hand through Harry’s long hair. He was just a kid. He was still just a kid that existed in this cruel world. ‘You hear that, Dinho? You’re safe with us. Always.’
They stayed there for the rest of the night, and when Harry’s phone went off, Lux rushed to silence it while Freezy lulled Harry back to sleep. They took turns soothing him whenever he stirred, whenever he startled, sighing in relief when he drifted off all over again.
‘He’s just a kid,’ Lux said miserably, an arm slung over Harry’s middle. ‘He’s just a little kid.’
‘His mum doesn’t deserve him,’ Freezy said. ‘She never deserved him. He’s too special for her.’
‘He’ll be happy here,’ Lux stated. ‘He’ll be happy with us. We’ll look after him. Us and the Sidemen. And his other YouTube friends. He’s ours now. He’s ours.’
Harry’s lips lifted in the corners, the beginnings of a smile, lost in dreams of happier times.