Archive of Our Own

Shawn smiled, watching Lassie fussing about in his usual morning routine. He shouldn’t be surprised by now how comfortable, how natural it felt to be here in Lassie’s apartment, waking up in his bedroom, still wiping the sleep from his eyes.

“Morning,” Lassie said, noticing Shawn had woken up. “Hope I didn’t wake you. O’Hara just called, we’ve got a case.”

Shawn yawned and nodded sleepily. Lassie shot him a gentle smile.

“You’re cute when you’re all dopey like this,” Lassie said, leaning down to give Shawn a soft kiss on the forehead. Shawn leaned into the touch, making a little grunt instead of actually speaking. 

“So while I’m doing actual police work, do you have anything planned?” Lassie quipped. 

The comment made Shawn snap awake properly. “Hey,” Shawn snapped quickly, “I do real police work too.”

“Mmm hmm,” Lassie replied, “care to explain what you mean by that to the Chief?”

Shawn rolled his eyes. “Maybe I’ll stop by and help you out. You know, once I’m finished with whatever Gus has planned.”

Lassie scowled, although it was slightly lessened by the fact that his shirt was still unbuttoned and he was looking at Shawn with something close to love. Not that he’d said that yet. Shawn tried not to think too hard about it; if there was one thing he was good at, it was making any situation lighthearted.

“I don’t need your help, thank you,” Lassie retorted. “It sounds like a basic wife-killed-her-husband thing. So you go off and gallivant around with Guster all you like.”

Shawn smiled, pushing himself off the bed to wrap his arms around Lassie, who only made a half-hearted objection about ruining the lines of his suit. 

“You know, if you weren’t so terrified of the rest of the squad finding out about us, I’d offer to bring you lunch,” Shawn murmured into Lassie’s ear, pressing a soft kiss to the skin there. Lassie shivered, spinning to look at Shawn, his posture stiffening as it always did when Shawn broached the subject.

“Yeah,” Lassie replied slowly, not meeting Shawn’s eyes. “One day, Shawn, one day.”

Shawn stepped back, not bothering to reply. It wasn’t worth a fight, not another one. The angry words, the hurt that would surface. It didn’t make any difference, not really. Lassie just wasn’t ready to come out, and Shawn didn’t see that changing any time soon.

“I’m sorry,” Lassie whispered, gently reaching for Shawn’s hand, “I am. Just give me more time, Shawn, please.”

Shawn nodded, kissing Lassie slowly. “It’s fine,” he muttered. They both knew he was lying. 

“Enjoy your day out,” Lassie said, his eyes on his watch. “I better get moving or O’Hara will beat me to the scene. How about I come by your apartment for dinner later? I’ll bring takeout.” 

Shawn nodded, but his smile didn’t quite reach his eyes.

***

Carlton walked into the crime scene, rubbing at his brow. It didn’t do enough to soften the dull pain that was still lingering since he’d left home. 

He hated that look in Shawn’s eyes, the hurt he was so excellent at hiding. Usually with humour, certainly to the rest of the world. Carlton knew now though, or at least he thought he did, when Shawn was hiding his pain. And he had been this morning.

It wasn’t that Carlton didn’t want to tell the world. To walk out in public holding Shawn’s hand without a second thought, pull him close and kiss him without hesitation. Yet he feared the reaction, especially from his colleagues. He knew that it could ruin his chance of ever making Chief, and of course he knew that was horrendously selfish and unfair of him. 

“Hey, Carlton, you made it!” O’Hara said, shooting Carlton a much wider smile than was necessary for the time of day and the grizzly scene behind them.

“O’Hara,” he said in way of greeting, internally berating himself for having taken so long to get here. 

“It looks pretty clear cut,” O’Hara said, making her way towards the body. “The husband left his phone out when he went to take a shower. Wife saw a message pop up from someone else, that was er, well, hard for him to explain innocently. And then she shot him,” O’Hara said, motioning towards the shaking woman in the corner.

Carlton paused for a moment to take it all in. When O’Hara put it like that, there didn’t seem much benefit in him being here. 

Seemingly reading his mind, she quickly added, “we have Officers taking statements. I can stay here if you want to head back to the station, pick up something more exciting.”

Carlton nodded, readjusting his tie. What a monumental waste of his time. He grumbled a little as he exited the home, the ramblings of another lowlife murderer barely reaching his ears as he walked away.

Then his phone rang, and he quickly answered to speak with Chief Vick. Another case awaited. 

***

“You could have just kept your mouth shut, Shawn,” Gus hissed, his eyes flitting around trying to keep track of the escaped convicts with the guns. “You know keeping quiet would have meant none of this happening.”

Shawn grimaced, acknowledging internally the truth of Gus’s words. Not that he would dare to admit that, least of all to Gus.

“But Gus,” he whined jokingly, “if I hadn’t said anything to piss them off, we’d never have got to live out our dream of being in that movie, you know the one, it’s called something, I mean I know it had a name-”

“Inside Man? Dog Day Afternoon? Hostages?” Gus suggested, momentarily distracted.

“No, that’s not it,” Shawn muttered.

“Hey! Shut it,” the big angry guy in orange was yelling. Gus shivered and looked down.

A hundred things were racing through Shawn’s mind, his focus pulled back to their current predicament. There they were, amongst a circle of hostages standing on the deck of this ridiculous ferry, several felons attempting to make their jail break stood behind them, guns at the ready.

Shawn internally cursed the fact he had agreed to this little trip with Gus. Technically he hadn’t actually agreed to it, he reminded himself, Gus having tricked him with chocolate so he didn’t ask too many questions. He couldn’t have imagined another scenario in which he would have ended up on a boat with Gus’s band of environmentalists. What kind of names were DC and CC anyway?

Looking out at the water he could see all the boats from the assembled law enforcement. More seemed to be arriving every few minutes. Who knew what they would do given the chance? As much as he might love Lassie, if he was involved in this response, Shawn knew he could be a little trigger-happy. That was unlikely to end well for anyone, and he wasn’t sure all these bad guys really were so bad. 

“Any ideas, Shawn?” Gus hissed, and Shawn could sense the apprehension in his voice.

“Not right now,” Shawn replied truthfully. “The cops will come bursting in any second. We’ll be fine, you’ll see.”

Then two of the environmental volunteers they’d come aboard the ferry with were marched off, and all of Shawn’s confidence disappeared as the sound of gunshots rang out.

***

The Chief was hesitating to make a call, and Carlton knew why. Going in with force risked casualties and Shawn and Gus were on that ferry. Heaven knew why Shawn had agreed to go aboard, no doubt Guster had talked him into it.

Then again, from what Shawn told him, Guster suffered terribly from sea sickness, so who knew why these two idiots decided a little sojourn on a boat was a good idea. And now they had guns to their backs and Carlton was struggling to keep himself composed enough to function.

“They want a fully fuelled boat,” the Chief was saying to O’Hara. 

“They’ve got impressive rap sheets,” O’Hara replied, “this would have been their plan all along. I’m not sure you’re going to talk them down.”

Carlton hit the railing of the boat, his fear and anger exploding out of him. “Fuck! Well, how the hell do we fix this mess then, huh? You know I bet this is all that jackass Spencer’s fault.”

O’Hara frowned at him, scalding him for his insensitivity. The Chief looked annoyed, but had long since taken to ignoring the quips Shawn and Carlton threw at each other. Sometimes he wondered if she knew the truth.

Henry on the other hand, turned to Carlton with a cold fury on his face. “Not helpful, Lassiter,” he ground out. 

Carlton’s heart rate had jumped and his hands were going clammy. He needed to get in there now. He had to really, had to get to Shawn. Not just because he was hopelessly in love with the absolute imbecile, but also because he wasn’t entirely lying when he said he suspected Shawn had got them into this mess. His jokes weren’t always to everyone’s amusement.

“Look,” Henry started again, trying to bring some order to their plans. “We have two of our own on that boat. We need to take a measured approach here and just sit back without agitating these guys.”

Carlton shook his head. “No,” he replied simply, ignoring the look he was getting from O’Hara. “I mean it’s against protocol.”

His stomach sank slightly, but he knew he was right. They had these procedures in place for a reason, and there was no point in abandoning that now. Even if the man he loved was on that boat. Even if getting this wrong might mean that said man never got to hear Carlton tell him that he loved him.

“So protocol is what matters right now to you, Lassiter?” Henry yelled. “You care about doing what the damn book says and not saving the civilians there? Including MY son! His best friend. People you bloody well work with and might give a shit if you were at risk of death!”

Carlton’s blood pressure was rising dangerously, anger pounding through him. 

O’Hara tried to calm him with a gentle hand on his arm, but he shook her off.

“Look, Spencer,” Carlton spat, all sense of decorum leaving him, “I care more about those two morons than you ever could, so why don’t you sit the hell back down and let the real police here take care of it?”

Henry threw his binoculars to the floor of the boat, rounding on Carlton. Not that he didn’t deserve it, but Carlton was quickly running out of energy to care about Henry Spencer’s feelings.

“What the hell do you mean by that, Lassiter? You know you’ve treated Shawn like absolute shit since the day he started working with the department. Don’t think I don’t know about all the insults and put downs, your attempts to get him thrown off cases. So excuse me if I don’t think you’ve exactly got his best interests at heart,” Henry yelled, his face red. 

Carlton shook his head, his temper quickly getting the better of him. Shawn’s father had no business speaking to him like this, not that he knew it, but Carlton didn’t care for such technicalities right now.

“You know, Henry, I don’t think that the father who locked his child in a car boot, abandoned him in the woods, arrested him for a stupid mistake to name just a few, gets all that much credit here,” Carlton shot back, ignoring the warning looks on the faces of O’Hara and the Chief.

“Like you would know the first damn thing about parenting, you pathetic lanky little man!” Henry said, firing up. 

“Gentlemen, please,” Chief Vick pleaded, her eyes darting between them and the boat where Shawn and Gus were still being held hostage.

Henry and Carlton both turned to look at her, neither calming down in the slightest. “Please. I know you both care for Shawn and Guster, but this isn’t a competition. We will get them home safe, just like all the other civilians aboard that ship.”

Carlton darted his eyes again towards the ship, his breath catching. This was a nightmare come to life, and he was having to face it alongside a group of people who had no idea what he was going through.

“Whatever,” Henry spat. “Just don’t let that runty little detective of yours start shooting everything that moves the second he boards the boat. Bet he’d be just thrilled if Shawny ended up as a tragic casualty of the conflict.”

The mere thought tore something apart inside of Carlton. He didn’t care about their secret, not anymore. As long as Shawn was safe.

“I would never let him be harmed, you bastard,” Carlton spat. “Never, don't you dare say for one second that I’d be fine with Shawn being ki-,” Carlton cut himself off, unable to finish the sentence.

Henry was shaking his head. “You’re a good actor, I’ll give you that, Lassiter. But I know what you think of my Shawn. And I’m not going to let you sacrifice him here.”

“Mr. Spencer, please,” the Chief implored. “I understand that emotions are running high here, but I am sure detective Lassiter is just as keen as you are to see a positive resolution.”

Henry’s eyes nearly popped out of his head, anger threatening to take him over completely. “That man couldn’t give a damn about my son. He hates him. And if he gets his way, he’ll see him die in the next few minutes.”

Carlton lost all sense of composure at those words, his stomach doing somersaults and his heart attempting to leap out of his chest.

“You idiot!” Carlton yelled at Henry. “I do give a damn about him. I fucking love him! And I am not going to stand here and let you talk us out of doing what we have to do to get him home safe to me. I can’t lose him, I just can’t.”

There was silence following these words. Henry, O’Hara and the Chief all looked at him with varying degrees of shock, confusion and annoyance.

Henry blinked. “It’s you,” he said finally. “You’re the idiot he’s dating who won’t let him tell anyone. Right?”

Carlton felt himself going slightly red, unable to meet Henry’s eyes. The man was a good detective, he could imagine how perps had come apart under the calculating stare he was now receiving.

The Chief just smiled. “Well, I’m glad you finally felt you could admit it,” she said. “You’ll need to sort some paperwork out for HR, but I’m pleased for you.”

“Yeah me too,” O’Hara said, a little awkwardly, “but could we maybe discuss this more once Shawn and Gus don’t have guns pointed at their backs?”

The Chief’s attention quickly snapped back to the other ship as she nodded. “You’re right, O’Hara, thank you. We can let you two gents fight over who loves Shawn more another time. For now let’s go save him.”

“And Gus,” O’Hara added quickly. “You know if you let anything happen to him, Shawn would never forgive either of you.”

Carlton and Henry both gulped, silenced by the truth of her statement.

***

Shawn choked slightly as the first of the rockets landed aboard the ship. That disgusting gas filled his eyes, ears and mouth, until he could barely breathe. He supposed this was the point, and forced himself to calm down.

He’d known this was coming, but it didn’t help him adjust to the horrible sensation. His fellow hostages were coughing and choking, pulling their shirts up over their faces to provide any sort of relief.

Shawn held Gus tightly as they heard the police storming the ship. Shawn knew Lassie would be among them, but amidst all the chaos, he couldn’t tell where he was. 

Suddenly, a warm hand gripped his shoulder. “Boys, put these on,” Lassie was saying, a pair of masks thrusted in front of Shawn and Gus. Grateful, Shawn did as he was told and felt the immediate relief. He felt a pang of guilt looking at the group next to him continuing to cough and splutter. 

“You’re okay?” Lassie was asking, as Shawn got his bearings, his senses returning to him.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine,” Shawn said, his eyes still scanning the deck for anything unusual.

“I was so worried,” Lassie said, pulling Shawn into a tight hug. 

Shawn let out a small laugh of surprise, putting his arms cautiously around his boyfriend. 

“Hey, hey, didn’t know you would be so concerned about little old me,” Shawn said, doing his best attempt at a joking tone seeing as they were surrounded by his colleagues. “Geez Lassie, you know Gus was here this whole time too.”

Lassie just shook his head, pulling back from the hug and rubbing Shawn’s arms gently. “They know,” he said simply. 

“Huh? You mean- what?” Shawn asked, looking around at O’Hara, the Chief and his Dad who had all joined them now that the felons had been successfully detained by the other officers. 

Lassie just hugged him again, and a smile crept across Shawn’s face, the ridiculous gas mask not stopping him.

“Yes, yes, we’ve heard more than we needed to know about how much Lassiter loves you, but do you think we could focus here?” Henry said, gesturing towards where the four arrested men lay, their hands now being cuffed one by one. 

“Look Shawn, I mean I probably shouldn’t have said this to your Dad and, well, every officer on that boat first-,” Lassie began a little awkwardly, but Shawn cut him off.

“Lassie, darling, you have no idea how much I want to continue this conversation, but we might need to wait until later,” Shawn cut in, a feeling of dismay rushing through him.

“What? Why?!” Lassie responded grumpily.

“Because two of those men aren’t the convicts you’re looking for,” Shawn replied. 

Lassie spun around, looking down at the four men dressed in orange.

“Yeah, so who are they then?” Lassie asked.

“Well, I think one of them might be Daniel Carter.”

***

Much later at the station, with the two escapees safely back behind bars, Carlton finally managed a moment to breathe. 

Everything had been so frantic since Shawn had realised that two of the fugitives had gotten away on the medical boat. All their available resources, including Carlton himself, had been tasked with tracking them down. But of course Shawn got there first, in that annoyingly efficient and worryingly dangerous way of his.

With all that had been going on, no one had been given much of a chance to interrogate Carlton more about what he had revealed on the boat. How he really felt about Shawn, what they meant to each other.

Not that there hadn’t been some strange glances. Definitely some whispers and suppressed laughter. Carlton supposed he should be thankful that there hadn’t been anything outright nasty said to him, but perhaps that would come later.

The thing that was bothering him most was that he still hadn’t managed to actually talk to Shawn, not beyond quick conversations about the case and a few gentle touches. Carlton wasn’t about to try and have the conversation that they desperately needed to have surrounded while they were surrounded by half the precinct. 

“Hey, there you are,” he heard O’Hara say as she walked towards him. “Good work today.”

Carlton smiled. “Yeah, you too,” he replied.

She paused for a moment, not immediately replying. He knew exactly what she wanted to talk about, and didn’t blame her for the way she hesitated. It wasn’t as though he’d been good at discussing his personal life before now.

“Me and Shawn?” Carlton asked finally, putting her out of her misery.

“Yes!” Juliet exclaimed, then seemingly regaining her composure, quickly continued, “I mean I think it’s great. Like I’m super happy for you two, but just how? And when? And why on earth wouldn’t you tell me?”

Carlton looked at her, realising the last question was the one she actually cared most about. He felt a sense of shame come over him. Keeping this from his partner was extreme; they were supposed to share everything. 

“I should have told you,” he said eventually. “Heaven knows Shawn wanted to. I worried what that lot would have to say about it,” he said, nodding in the direction of a group of uniformed officers in the corner. “It’s not exactly something to celebrate around here, is it?”

Juliet looked at him, a softening of her expression that started to look a lot like sympathy. “I hear you,” she said softly, “I mean trying to get these guys to take me seriously is a nightmare half the time. Do you know the number of times I’ve had to get you to give them orders just so they’ll actually follow them?”

Carlton made a disgruntled noise, shooting a look of anger towards the officers. It wasn’t entirely fair, they weren’t necessarily responsible for the entire culture of the police force, but he needed to glare at someone right now.

“Carlton?” Juliet prompted, watching where his eyes had been.

“Right, yeah, uh, I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with that,” he said truthfully. He cleared his throat before continuing, “I just wasn’t ready for them to know. Somehow I thought if Shawn and I could just keep our relationship to ourselves, it would stop them gossiping.”

Juliet moved closer, resting her hand on Carlton’s shoulder. “You could’ve still told me,” she said gently. “I wouldn’t have thought less of you. I mean, maybe judged you a little for how mean you are to Shawn when he’s here, but that’s it.”

Carlton laughed. “Come on, he’s a complete idiot here half the time.”

Juliet rolled her eyes at him. “How you say that with such a tone of affection, I’ll never understand. Just be good to him,” she said, suddenly serious, “I get the feeling he’s had some difficult times in the past.” 

Carlton just raised an eyebrow at her. “If you’re talking about his parents, I know. And if you’re talking about his past relationships, well I know about them too, not that I like to think about it.” He glowered, thinking about anyone else touching Shawn in that way.

“Wow, okay, Carlton, I get it, you’re all loved up.” 

Carlton winced, a motion not unnoticed by the other detective. O’Hara surveyed him carefully.

“What’s that face about? You don’t like me mentioning that you love Shawn? Oh God, it’s not that you love him but he’s not there yet or something is it? Oof, Carlton, that’s tough, but you know, give him some time.”

“Hang on,” Carlton said, suddenly leaping to his feet and turning to face O’Hara squarely. “I never said that. Wait, why do you think that? Look, I haven’t exactly been forthcoming… you know, about my own feelings, so well, I think I’d just like to actually tell him.”

O’Hara blinked at him, processing what he’d just said. More like rambled. Carlton realised now just how good of a detective she’d become and couldn’t help but feel a sliver of pride despite the circumstances.

“You haven’t told him?! You tell me, the Chief, and oh yes, Shawn’s own father, but you never thought to say to Shawn, ‘by the way, I’m hopelessly in love with you’?” Juliet asked, dumbfounded.

Carlton blushed. He hated that he was being so obvious in his feelings. Maybe Shawn knew already without Carlton needing to say anything. But that didn’t really mean that he shouldn’t say it. 

“I mean, it’s just, you know,” Carlton stuttered, causing O’Hara to turn a devastating glare in his direction. “Yeah, I know I should tell him,” he said defeatedly. “Just, what if he doesn’t feel the same?”

After all this time, that was the one thing that had Carlton worried. He knew Shawn cared about him. But what if Carlton laid bare how he felt, just for Shawn to reject him?

O’Hara looked at him, her expression truly pitying now, which did nothing to ease Carlton’s mind.

“You’re overthinking this, Carlton,” she said softly. “You love him. And he wouldn’t put up with all your crap if he didn’t love you too, I’m sure of it. Go and talk to him.” 

Carlton nodded, his thoughts turning over in his mind.

***

“I’m sorry I missed dinner,” Lassie said awkwardly, standing in the doorway of Shawn’s apartment, not long before midnight.

Shawn just laughed, opening the door further. “Yeah, can’t imagine what kept you so busy!”

Lassie smiled back at him, and Shawn’s heart leapt in his chest. Lassie was so beautiful when he smiled like that, and he didn’t even realise it. It made Shawn love him even more.

“How are you?” Lassie asked, stepping inside. “And Guster? I mean it’s been quite a day.”

Shawn nodded, smiling slightly at the incredible understatement Lassie had just uttered.

“I’m okay. Gus is… well, he’s Gus, he’ll need some time, but he’s getting more practiced at this than you’d think.”

Lassie winced, and Shawn knew he was thinking back to the bank situation. Shawn hated himself a little bit for consistently endangering so many people that he loved.

“About today-,” they both began, the words trailing off as they laughed.

“You go,” Shawn said softly, carefully watching Lassie’s expression. 

Lassie took a deep breath, then gestured for the two of them to sit down on the couch. Shawn was grateful; his whole body was stiff and sore, and not in a good way. 

“I’m sorry I told everyone about us without consulting you,” Lassie said gently. “I know you’ve wanted to be out and open for a while, but I doubt me screaming at your father was your ideal scenario.”

Shawn chuckled. It somehow wasn’t as far down the list of perfect announcements as Lassie thought. 

“It’s fine. I’m just - I mean, are you okay? It was only this morning you said you weren’t ready, and now…,” he trailed off, unable to find the words.

“And now I realise it doesn’t matter as much as I thought,” Lassie said firmly. “I shouldn’t have been so worried. I mean, no doubt there’ll be more to come, but today has been… fine, actually. O’Hara said she’s happy for us,” he added, a gentle smile tugging at his lips.

“Jules is the best,” Shawn said simply, his body shifting to drape across Lassie’s lap, and relaxing at the touch. “Anyone with a problem can get lost. You know that’s right.”

Lassie smiled at him, before pulling him into a gentle kiss, that quickly threatened to get heated. “Wait,” Lassie said, quickly pulling back, much to Shawn’s displeasure.

“What?” Shawn asked, aware he sounded very whiny.

“I need to tell you something, I mean actually tell you, not imply it or shout it at your Dad, or tell O’Hara,” he rambled on.

“Come on, spit it out, darling,” Shawn said firmly. “It’s late and I’m too tired to think.”

“I love you,” Lassie said after a moment. “I love you, Shawn Spencer, and it’s okay if you’re not ready to say that to me, but that’s how I feel and I need you to know.”

Shawn kissed him, his hand reaching under Lassie’s shirt and revelling in the glorious feel of the hair there.

“You’re such an idiot,” Shawn said when they finally paused for air. “I love you too. Have done for ages, I just thought you weren’t there yet, you know? And that’s why you weren’t ready to tell. But damn it, I’ll put a sign above the Psych office announcing to the whole damn world just how in love I am with Carlton Lassiter. That might show you a small fraction of how much I really, truly love you.”

Any more of Shawn’s ramblings were quickly cut off as Lassie pulled him in for another kiss, this time letting themselves get completely lost in the feel of each other’s arms. 

***