Chapter Text
Rooftops and ant hills
Alcohol.
It was Yelena's oldest friend and constant enemy. There for her when she needed it and even when she couldn't face it. She loved her team, her dad, her Katie. Since they defeated Bob's darkness, everyone, including herself, just sort of assumed she was better too, and yet here she was on the ledge of the Avengers Tower, vodka in hand, staring at the tiny people below. The elevator dinged, and a metallic arm shone in the dimming light.
"Not even gonna leave a note?"
Yelena rolled her eyes
"If I were gonna jump, I'd be gone...I'm watching"
"Always a creep, Belova."
He approached, noticing the empty bottles, and he sighed, dropping his sarcastic tone
"Searching for an answer down there"
"What do you see from here, bucky... because I see ants"
"Ants, Yelena? I see people"
"No, you don't."
"Ok then... but why, Lena?"
"...because we spend our whole lives working bucky...they tell us wait just wait for the bigger picture, it'll all be meaningful and worth it, and I can see the bigger picture and...I see ants."
Her tone was harsh as she tossed another bottle on the pile
"You say that like it's a bad thing."
"Ever kill an ant buck?"
She rolled her eyes at his silence
"We kill them day after day with every step we take, we probably kill or injure an ant..."
"Lena, we're not ants."
"What about the bigger picture, buck...if there's a god...are we just its ant hill?"
"Thought you didn't believe Lena."
She tuts
"I tried...one day I prayed for a whole week, asked this god that if it was there, to show me I matter, show me it cares about me"
Bucky sat next to her
"And then I looked in the mirror while washing my face and silently begged for something new...and a year had passed....and my sister was dead"
He didn't know what to say to that, and in the silence, Yelena held her knees rocking on the ledge and nearly falling off, but as he reached for her, whether to stabilize her or just let her know he was there, she backed away.
"Lena, we're a team, but we can't help you if you're hurting and not telling anyone."
"Do you open your mouth when you're drowning? Or do you just shut your eyes and pray your head doesn't explode?"
"Are you drowning, Yelena?"
"Sometimes...sometimes I'm drifting...and I don't know what's worse"
He sighed the team had had a feeling she wasn't coping but in missons she laughed smiled and kicked ass and yet here she was drowning in alcohol and clinging to a ledge.
......................
Yelena lay in bed with Kate. Usually, she feels amazing at this moment, and she did, but one side of her was drained of any pleasure. She kissed Kate's cheek and pulled on an oversized shirt, sighing as she pulled a beer from the fridge, popped the lid with efficiency, and then threw herself to the window ledge. She lay there for a while till soft feet padded near her, and a furry paw in her hand, she looked up as Kate Bishop leaned down, kissing her.
"Don't treat me like a sex worker, Lena. I earned my cuddles."
Yelena smiles, hugging her
"Why are you drinking this early, babe?"
"Couldn't sleep.."
"Again?"
Yelena nodded as Kate lay with her
"Is it getting worse?"
"Not worse just... constant"
"I'm here."
"Thank you...I love you."
"Love you too...now come back to bed"
"I should get to training."
"Your mission is tonight, and I'm bored."
Yelena sighed, looking at her
"Come on, Mac and cheese and a movie for breakfast?"
"Fine, but I'm getting hot sauce and vodka."
"You're gross."
Kate kisses her cheek, going to get the Mac and cheese packets out of the cupboard.