Work Text:
The Debts of Tillman Henderson
a blaseball musical
with script by emma crabmoney and music by woosh and mahal
Act 1 Scene 1
We hear a hollowness and the sound of pencil scribbling on paper, maybe some muttering to show that someone is writing.
TILLMAN
All right dipshits lets get into it. If you don’t already know who this is, you’re thicker than the immaterial plane. We all know who I am. The man, the fuckin’ myth, the absolute LEGE. T to the H, the og, Tilly Hendy.
That’s right fucknuts, it’s me. Tillman Henderson.
Yeah, that’s right, you know who I am. Or do you? Let me screw your ballcap back on backwards and set the record forwards here at the end of the world about blaseball’s biggest bigshot. You’ve heard what’s up, but most of that shit? Absolute horse’s ass. Totally made up. Nah man, I’m here to tell the whole Tilly truth.
Someone’s gotta right?
The world’s ending so I better set this shit straight in writing for whatever dweeb saunters his fruity little ass in here after we’re all done for. When someone finds my poggers-ass skeleton in some sick as hell pose here in the Vault in like, whenever34 A.B., they won’t need to do any speculation shit. Nah, I got enough of that irl.
Historians don’t need to know dick about the early years. Blah blah my parents were rich as fuck, blah blah they made clones of me, whatever, that’s boring.
The real story starts like this.
The only good thing my folks ever did was force me to sign up for blaseball. “It builds character” or whatever the fuck. Shit, yeah it did. It built me into the fuckin protagonist over here. I loved that shit.
VALENTINE
No you didn’t.
TILLMAN
Quit reading over my shoulder.
VALENTINE
Tillman, you’re speaking out loud while you write. The Vault isn’t that big. I can hear you.
TILLMAN
Fuck off, Val.
VALENTINE
I’m just being honest. I can hear you, and you were absolutely miserable when you first joined. We could barely get you on the field.
TILLMAN
I said scram, Valentine. See? This shit is why I gotta tell my story. All these asshats always interrupting me. Rude as shit.
VALENTINE
Fine, fine. As you were.
TILLMAN
So like I was SAYING. The story starts with the Baltimore Crabs.
[OPENING NUMBER SONG HERE]
ACT 1 SCENE 2
The scene opens with a flashback to the team right after Nora’s death.
TILLMAN
Don’t fuckin say it.
KENNEDY
What is there to say?
TILLMAN
See? You’re saying it.
KENNEDY
What am I saying?
TILLMAN
That bullshit dad thing. The “oooo I’m not mad, just disappointed .” Fuck you, Loser. It’s not my fault Nora beefed it out there.
COMBS
Henderson, take a walk.
TILLMAN
Shove it, Combs.
COMBS
Now is not the time for your usual childish behavior. As your captain, I said take a walk. You can come back when you’ve calmed down.
TILLMAN
Fine, whatever. Who cares. This is a shit team anyways.
COMBS
Now.
TILLMAN (voiceover)
It really wasn’t my fault, you know. Not like I ever thought it was. Even PDP pitches a shit game sometimes right? Anyways. That definitely made vibes rancid for a bit. I mean, for everyone else, not for me. I’m the neutral vibes king out here remember?
Anyways, we got better.
Well, we got worse first. We got absolutely boned in the season 2 election. No blessings, lost PDP. Can I get an oof in the chat for that one? Season 3 was uneventful. Season 4, you know how it goes.
VALENTINE
You’re going to skip that part?
TILLMAN
What, want to hear how much I missed you? Gay.
VALENTINE
(disapprovingly) Tillman.
TILLMAN
What, I can’t say that even though you have a boyfriend?
VALENTINE
Not with that intention, no.
TILLMAN
Fine.
Pause.
Anyways, yeah so I guess some stuff happened in season 4. There was all that feedback, remember? Just absolute dogshit av equipment in the stadiums whining and making people flipflop teams. So Val gets got by one of those.
(The sound of feedback)
Mr. Bigboy Batter over here, swapped over to Breckenridge. Gone but not forgotten. Yearning or whatever that shit you do is. The Jazz Hands sent back this funky little fox. Holds the bat in her mouth. Tight as shit honestly that a fox can play blaseball. So yeah, we were all bummed about Val, sure, but could I give Val scritches on the head? Nah. We called though. We stayed in touch.
VALENTINE laughs.
What?
VALENTINE
You only called once.
TILLMAN
So? That still technically means I called.
VALENTINE
Do you even remember when?
TILLMAN
Yeah. Combs.
(A cellphone rings.)
VALENTINE
Hello?
TILLMAN
Hey, Val, how’s it hanging?
VALENTINE
Tillman! It’s been a while. Thought you’d forgotten me.
TILLMAN
Damn, dude. It’s only been like a week.
VALENTINE
Thirty-eight days, actually.
TILLMAN
Whatever. Do you want to know why I called or what.
VALENTINE
Did something happen?
TILLMAN
Yeah. Combs ate shit. Umpire got them.
VALENTINE
What?
TILLMAN
Yeah. RIV to them. If it’d happened to me I simply would’ve dodged but I guess they weren’t fast enough.
VALENTINE
Tillman–
TILLMAN
Anyways I gotta go, we’re about to pick a new team captain. My money’s on Loser.
VALENTINE
Tillman, wait.
TILLMAN hangs up. The sound of a dead phone line hangs in the air.
TILLMAN
Yeah, so I was right on that bet. Loser took over as captain, the Crabs started “doing it for Combs” or whatever sentimental bullshit got everyone’s asses in gear. And you know what? Pretty soon we started to git good.
Season four, you know how it goes. That election may be the best decision anyone’s ever made. They got my ass off the mound and with a bat in my hand, and the rest is history.
[PITCHER TO BATTER SONG GOES HERE]
ACT 1 SCENE 3
TILLMAN
With Notarobot and I at bat and Finn James pitching, the Crabs were unstoppable. Maybe it was a good thing Combs got incinerated tbh. Obviously it was mostly me carrying the team. What other punk can bang out as many sweet fuckin’ triples as I could? That’s right, no one.
The next few seasons are smooth sailing. We set the record for most games in the league season 5, took that shit even further in season 6. Won our first championship thanks to yours truly. Looks like the guy who sucks doesn’t really suck, huh? You KNOW I’m up there on that idol board. We get faster, I become the thief of the century.
VALENTINE
Better than Forrest? Best is best, as I recall.
TILLMAN
Whatever. I fuckin’ ruled. Season 7 was same old same old. We lost Notarobot at the end, but we got a hologram, so like, is there really a difference there? Beep boop bitch that’s the same shit. Yeah, yeah, and I guess a lot of players got incinerated but that’s not my problem y’know. So we roll into season 8, cool as hell.
And then halfway through we play twelve fucking games against the Firefighters in a row. Nine of those are in Chicago. So yeah, we got pretty fuckin’ used to being in Chicago by the end of it. Sucked being away from my nice ass bed. But hey, maybe that shit wasn’t all bad.
(We hear faint party music. People are talking in the background, improvised conversations between Crabs and Firefighters.)
TILLMAN
Man, this is a lame-ass party.
(We hear him texting, something like that. Some sound to indicate he is using his phone.)
DECLAN
Uh, hey.
(Tillman continues texting or maybe playing like. Candy crush.)
You, uh, got games on your phone?
TILLMAN
What’s it look like, dipshit?
DECLAN
Do you want to go play FIFA?
TILLMAN
Is this fucking preschool? Are you trying to schedule a fucking playdate? What’s your deal?
DECLAN
I’m Declan Suzanne.
TILLMAN
Congrats.
DECLAN
Look, man. I’m not great at parties. It doesn’t look like you are either.
TILLMAN
Fuck you, I’m great at parties.
DECLAN
So that’s why you’re leaning in a corner on your phone?
TILLMAN
Shut it, dweeb.
DECLAN
Fine, but if you want to get out of here and game I’ll be upstairs.
TILLMAN
Hey, wait up! I’m too cool for you to be walking away from me!
We hear TILLMAN chase after DECLAN. The party noises fade.
TILLMAN (narration)
It was gamers at first sight.
[INSERT CHICLAWGO NUMBER HERE]
ACT 1 SCENE 4
TILLMAN
So yeah. Things were pretty good. Two championships under the belt. Season 9 was gonna be Crab season.
Well, it should have been.
It would have been if that stupid fucking thing hadn’t happened.
VALENTINE
Are you going to be okay talking about it?
TILLMAN
Don’t fucking coddle me, Valentine. I’m not a bitchbaby.
(Pause)
All right. Let’s set the scene. Season 9, day 64. We’re in fucking San Francisco of all places. The top of the fifth inning. Crabs haven’t scored a rat’s ass.
ANNOUNCER
Tillman Henderson batting for the Crabs.
(The sound of a pitch leaving a pitcher’s hand and flying through the air. It smacks into a catcher’s mitt.)
Strike looking, 0-1.
TILLMAN
What? That was below my fuckin’ knees, asshole!
We hear the heavy breathing of an Umpire.
Yeah, yeah, breathe all you want. That was a shit call, ump.
More heavy breathing.
ANNOUNCER
And here’s the pitch! That’s a single for Henderson. Next up, number 32 and catcher Pedro Davids. And that’s a ground out folks, ending the half for the Crabs and bringing us to the bottom of the 5th.
KENNEDY
Tillman, what the hell were you doing?
TILLMAN
What?
KENNEDY
You know better than to argue with an umpire like that. What if something had happened?
TILLMAN
Who cares? Nothing happened except the ump made a shit call.
KENNEDY
Are you an idiot? Take it down a notch. I’m not having you get someone incinerated.
TILLMAN
Yeah, cuz we all know it’s worse if it’s not me, right?
KENNEDY
You know that’s not what I meant.
TILLMAN
Sure it isn’t, cap.
KENNEDY
Tillman I’m not just asking this as your captain. I’m asking this as your friend. You have to be more careful.
TILLMAN
Whatever, dad.
ANNOUNCER
And Alexander Horn is OUT at first base. Ortiz Lopez steps up to the plate for the Lovers.
TILLMAN
Why the fuck is it looking at me like that?
Heavy Umpire breathing.
Why don’t you pay attention to the batter instead of staring down third base huh?
KENNEDY
Tillman!
TILLMAN
I don’t like the way this fucking guy’s looking at me! What’s its problem!
Heavier breathing, something between a grumble and a roar.
Yeah? Well what are you gonna do, Ump?
Incinerate me?
ACT 2 SCENE 1
TILLMAN
The Baltimorons in the city sure had a fuckin’ field day with that.
[INSERT OBITCHUARY NUMBER HERE]
ACT 2 SCENE 2
We hear a splash and a gasp for air. The still crackling and subsequent extinguishing of flames.
BINKY
Hey kid.
TILLMAN
What the fuck?
BINKY
Wow. Original.
TILLMAN
Don’t try me you piece of shit calamari-ass. Do you even know who I am?
BINKY
Yeah. I don’t get paid enough for this.
TILLMAN
They pay you?
BINKY
Well, not really. Being Hall Monitor has its perks. Weird eggs, mostly.
TILLMAN
Seriously? Peanuts?
BINKY
Sure. Whatever you want to call them.
TILLMAN
So this is for real?
BINKY
Yeah. You get used to the wet.
TILLMAN
Wait, can’t I–
BINKY
Well, see ya.
The sound of a squid swimming away.
TILLMAN (narration)
So there I was. In the hall. Dead as shit. Nothing to do, nothing to see, no one to talk to.
VALENTINE
What about your fellow dead former teammates?
TILLMAN
Like I said, no one to talk to. Being in the hall was unpoggers as fuck.
[INSERT IDLE, BORED NUMBER HERE]
ACT 2 SCENE 3
The first few lines we hear are muffled as Tillman regains consciousness.
SNYDER
Hey man, you good? Hey. Hey dude, wake up. Hey.
TILLMAN
…Kennedy?
Sound returns to normal clarity.
SNYDER
What? No. Snyder Briggs.
TILLMAN
Whomst the–fuck, dude, my head hurts.
ESME
Pressure change between the hall and here. Jaylen mentioned it once. You’ll be fine once your ears pop.
TILLMAN
What in the name flortnite is going on here?
ESME
Esme Ramsey. We could ask you the same thing, Tillman.
TILLMAN
Did we get fucking feedbacked? Where the fuck are the normal Crabs.
STU
Lol dude thinks he’s in Baltimore.
ESME
Stu, please.
SNYDER
You and Jaylen swapped. You’re on the Shoe Thieves.
STU
Welcome to Charleston, buddy. Get used to it.
GUNTHER
[Penguin noises]
TILLMAN
Oh, fuck me I guess.
ESME
We better get you set up with a uniform. Playoffs are about to start and you’re the only one of us that didn’t get fucked up by the Peanut last time. We need you to get your act together if we’ve got any shot at the Wlorld Series.
TILLMAN
I don’t know what that means but fine, give me a bat. I’ll show the Crabs what they’re missing.
STU
Hahaha, nah fam. You’re pitching.
TILLMAN
Mother fucker .
TILLMAN (narration)
So I was dead for, what, a season? And the Crabs fucking left me in there. They didn’t even bring me back from the dead right. Can’t have SHIT in Charleston. Sure, the Thieves were good. They got us through the playoffs. Same shit they did before while I was dead, I guess. Crabs vs Thieves. Fuckin’ finale 2 electric boogaloo. No talk, just game.
KENNEDY
Tillman.
TILLMAN
No.
KENNEDY
Tillman!
TILLMAN
Don’t fucking touch me, Ken. Get back to your dugout. We sit in different ones now, in case you didn’t fucking notice.
KENNEDY
Tillman, for one moment, can you please be reasonable? That’s all I’m asking. Talk to us.
TILLMAN
Shove it, Loser. What is there to talk about?
KENNEDY
Tillman, this could be it. This could be the last time for you to see everyone. Do you want to miss your chance to say goodbye? We don’t know what’ll happen when we ascend.
TILLMAN
Who says you’re going to, fucknuts? From what I heard you assholes choked. You don’t have it in you.
KENNEDY
But what if–
TILLMAN
What if I kick your ass right here, huh? Here and now, think that’ll help your ascension run? Let’s fuckin go, Loser.
KENNEDY
You don’t want to do this, Tilly.
TILLMAN
Don’t fucking call me that. You don’t know what I fucking want.
KENNEDY
Please–
TILLMAN
When I’m pitching game four, you’ll see what you’re fucking missing. I’ll kick all your asses. In game four, you’ll see what I’m really made of, Loser.
[We hear TILLMAN running away.]
KENNEDY
Wait!
TILLMAN (narration)
That’s how it was going to go. In game four, I’d stare them down from the pitcher’s mound and strike them all out, one by one. Tillman’s first no-hitter. One for the history books.
Game one those dipshits got lucky.
Game two same thing.
Game three they couldn’t even give me the fucking dignity of losing so they’d face me.
Yeah, sure, some shit went down in the stadium. Some big boss battle, whatever. I wasn’t watching that shit. Boring.
No, I watched all my so-called friends fuckin’ yeet themselves into outer space.
Without me.
They didn’t DESERVE to ascend without me. Copying my fuckin homework to get an A or some shit and leaving me to take the fall. I made that team. How the fuck could they leave me behind like that?
VALENTINE
It wasn’t just you, you know.
TILLMAN
Can you shut the fuck up, Val? Do you know how to do that?
VALENTINE
I’m just saying, I was there too. Same as you.
TILLMAN
Bullshit it was the same.
VALENTINE
You’re not the only one who loved them. You weren’t alone.
TILLMAN
You don’t get it. You can’t get it. You weren’t on the team. You ran away, asshole, and you didn’t come home. “Ooooo I’m Valentine GAMES I grew up in Baltimore my b o y f r i e n d plays for the team so therefore ANYTHING that happens to me is WORSE than it could be for Tillman, because I’m so good and special even if I hadn’t been on the team for six fucking years. ” Yeah tell me how that shit’s the same.
VALENTINE
Yes, because my feedbacking is so much more controlled and purposeful than your death. Listen to yourself, Tillman. You were given a chance to say goodbye. Be grateful for what you had.
TILLMAN
Gee, thanks Val! For the unsolicited shitbag advice! Fuck off. I don’t even get why you’re here in my business. I don’t want you here. Did you know that?
VALENTINE
Is that so?
TILLMAN
Yeah, and I’m glad you got feedbacked. Didn’t have to deal with it anymore.
VALENTINE
Well if that’s how you feel, perhaps I will leave you to yourself.
TILLMAN
Great! Good riddance!
VALENTINE
There is only so much time left in this world and I am not going to waste it on someone who refuses to open his eyes.
TILLMAN
Bye, Val! Bye! Fuck off!
VAL lets out an angry sigh and we hear his footsteps echo in the vault as he walks away.
I don’t need him. I don’t need any of the Crabs. I’m a Thief now, remember? I made it on my own. I didn’t need anyone .
ACT 3 SCENE 1
TILLMAN
And you know what? The fans knew what was up that season. Yeah, man. Crabs fucked off, but the people had my back. They knew exactly what I needed to block out the haters. That election they bestoyed upon me the poggers fuckin’ honor of noise cancelling headphones.
[INSERT NOISE CANCELLING HEADPHONES NUMBER HERE]
Bridge of Noise Cancelling Headphones:
ESME
Tillman, just because I’m haunted doesn’t mean you get to ignore me at practices and games. We’re on a team, and you can’t just–
BEEP.
HOTBOX
Dude come on, it’s nearly the end of the season. Let’s get turnt and celebrate a bit, okay man? No more fucking boss battles you kn–
BEEP.
DECLAN
You’re really going to keep ignoring my calls? Listen, I know I’m not the Crabs or whatever and I don’t want to make out anymore, but I’m still worried about you–
BEEP.
GUNTHER
(Penguin noises.)
BEEP.
STU
New season new you, right asshole? Or are you just going to spend season twelve moping in your dumbass headphones–
BEEP.
DECLAN
Have you seen the flood warning? Tillman, please call me back.
BEEP.
SNYDER
Hey, man. I figure you probably already saw that the Crabs are back. You weren’t at practice today so I just wanted to see if you were coo–
BEEP.
DECLAN
I can’t keep calling like this. Crabs are back, so, I thought maybe you’d be… (cough) . Well, good luck bro. I’m done–
BEEP.
ESME
All that and they still chose to infuse you . Can you get your act together, Henderson? You’re stuck with us, you know. No feedback with those headpho–
BEEP.
SNYDER
Hey, man. Hotbox and I are having a kickback to kick off season 13 if you want to swing by–
BEEP.
BINKY
Hey kid. Heard you can’t go back to your old team. Not what I meant by don’t send Tillman back.
Pause.
I guess you can come back to the hall. Let me know at the end of the season. Too busy selling snacks right now. Gotta go, break’s over.
BEEP.
KENNEDY LOSER’S ringtone begins to play.
[INSERT THE REST OF NOISE CANCELLING HEADPHONES NUMBER]
ACT 3 SCENE 2
TILLMAN
What the fuck else was I supposed to do, huh? Just sit there ignoring calls and being a pitcher in fucking Charleston? If I had to listen to Gunther go (best terrible attempt at a penguin noise) one more time I was going to mcfreakin’ lose it. Yeah, yeah, the fans loved me. I know. I was hot shit out there. But you can only sign so many autographs before it gets boring!
He sighs.
It was all so fucking boring. Who gives a shit about economics anyways? Yeah I get the peanut was a bitch or whatever but at least there wasn’t fuckin’ math and ratings or whatever. Who cares about the MVPs? It was boring in the hall, too. Damp as shit, nothing to do, no one to see, more people to avoid.
I guess I haunted Esme sometimes. I hope that pissed her off. I bet it did. I know it pissed the Crabs off, that’s for sure. Can’t get rid of me that easy, fuckos.
But that was it. For a fucking slosh of seasons that was it. I was going out of my goddamned mind.
And then the fans started doing some fuckshit again.
[INSERT IDOL, BORED REPRISE.]
ACT 3 SCENE 3
TILLMAN
Semi-centennial, huh? Yeah, pretty big deal. You know me. Fans love me. If you didn’t believe it before, get it through your thick empty skull. I’m the guy people love, I’m the biggest deal in blaseball. Didn’t you know?
Isn’t that right, Val?
Silence.
Right. Whatever. I know what’s up. I wasn’t just a Rising Star. I was risen as hell. I’m a star, and don’t you fucking forget it.
[INSERT ILB SEMI-CENTENNIAL SONG]
ACT 3 SCENE 4
TILLMAN
Didn’t even get to finish the fucking game. But I’m here now, aren’t I? I’ve been here the whole goddamn time. I’m a star, I’m a legend, blah blah blah. Now you know the real story. Now you know the fuckin’ truth about the guy who sucks.
You know my whole deal.
What else is there to know?
We hear the sound of a safe door opening, heavy and loud like that of a bank vault. Maybe TILLMAN falls, or rubble moves.
What the fuck was that?
Footsteps.
Oh come on.
VALENTINE
Tillman.
TILLMAN
I thought you fucked off.
VALENTINE
I did. But things have changed.
TILLMAN
Sure they have, Val.
VALENTINE
The vault is open.
TILLMAN
Bullshit.
VALENTINE
I’m leaving.
TILLMAN
Sure, fine, have fun.
VALENTINE
I’m not going to ask you to come with me.
TILLMAN
What, you’re going to make me?
VALENTINE
No, Tillman. I’m not going to do that either. What you do now is up to you, but you should know you have the option.
TILLMAN
Sure. Whatever.
VALENTINE
You don’t have to stay here. The Crabs are heading towards the black hole, from what I understand. You could go too. You could go back to the hall. No one is making you stay here but yourself.
TILLMAN
Fuck the Crabs. Fuck you. Fuck the hall. Go enjoy your fuckin’ stroll into outer space, dipshit. The world’s ending. It’s not like you’ll get there.
VALENTINE
Maybe I won’t make it in time. You’re right, this could be a fool’s errand. But at least I’m doing something, Tillman. There’s a chance at goodbye. Don’t let that opportunity pass you by again.
TILLMAN
I’m perfectly fine right here, thank you.
VALENTINE
(Sigh) Fine. Goodbye, Tillman.
TILLMAN
Fuck you.
VALENTINE
I hope that for once in your life, just once, you make an active choice. So few people are given so many chances and squander them all as you have. All I can do is leave you with one more.
The sound of footsteps as VALENTINE walks away for the last time. We sit in the silence.
TILLMAN
Val? Val!
He starts to chase after. VALENTINE is already gone.
Fine.
Fine, whatever.
It never mattered anyways.
Make an active choice? What the fuck does he mean by that bullshit?
What am I supposed to do at the end of the world, dipshit?
Nothing fucking matters. That’s how it ends. Not with a bang, not with a big win for Tilly. What’s the point of chasing after the Crabs? A dead guy after a dead team in a dead game. Sure.
Sometimes there’s not that big ending. Sometimes it’s just this.
Goodbye doesn’t matter when you’re all about to die, does it? It’s not like you’ll remember it.
I mean, I remembered shit in the hall.
But the hall’s going too. So it shouldn’t matter, should it?
Why should things end any differently than they’ve always been? You know my story. I’m the guy who sucks. I died, I got brought back to the wrong team, I’m stuck in the fucking vault. No point in changing that now.
It was just a game the whole time, right? It’s what we were made for. Play must continue. The game stops, and so do we. No more numbers on a screen.
The real story ends like this. Not with a bang, but with a bullshit power button.
All that’s left is to wait.
So fuck you.
I’ll wait.