Work Text:
The first time Bob felt the void after the incident, he had no one to tell.
The team had been out most of the week at some press events that Valentina had signed them up for, and they wisely left Bob behind for each, since his powers and Sentry counterpart were completely unknown to the world.
He sat on the couch in the commons, staring blankly at the TV. He had put on a show Bucky recommended to him, something about an alien pretending to be a human. It was funny, but he could tell his mind wasn’t focusing on it. He tried to focus, but all he got was him thinking about how he needed to focus.
C’mon Bob you need to pay attention, Bucky recommended this in earnest, you’re gonna disappoint him if you don’t actually watch it-
How pathetic.
The thought jarred him back to reality, his hand reaching for the remote to pause the show. His eyes snapped around the floor for someone else. It sounded too loud to have come from his own thoughts, it sounded too… real.
The confirmation that he was alone made his stomach flip, but he shook his head. He must've just made up how loud it was. He settled back into the cushions, rewinding a bit and resuming the show, letting his gaze fall onto the screen again.
Alone. They left you alone.
He was off the couch, already turning around to survey the room. The team wasn’t back, and there was no sign of Mel or Valentina.
Why would they come back for you?
“Stop.” He muttered, far too weakly.
You know its true.
And then the team was walking in, loud complaints about their day to each other. His gaze swept to the side, surprise briefly crossing his mind when he realized he was sitting on the couch again.
He turned his gaze back to the TV, the screen showed a completely unfamiliar scene. Bob squinted, trying to scan for any familiar faces from what he had been watching, pretending to be really focused on it.
“Bob?”
“Hm?” He looked over to see Bucky had sat down next to him. When did that happen?
“You paying attention over there? I asked how you were liking it.” Bob could see him studying his face.
Bob swallowed dryly, forcing a small smile. “I’m fine.”
He was sure it was just a one-time thing. So why worry the team by telling them now that its over?
-
Why do you try?
He swung a little hard and broke the punching bag clean in half. John and Bucky had suggested he try to get better at fighting, instead of relying entirely on his powers. He took their advice, since both were good fighters before receiving their serums.
He just wasn’t expecting the thoughts to come out during it.
You’ve always been weak.
He tried to ignore it and picked up the bottom half of the bag, dragging it to the corner so it was out of the way when he swept up the rest of the heap.
You’re making a mess out of everything. Like you always do.
His hands gripped the broom and dustpan tightly.
You’re doing the best you can.
And its not good enough.
“Bob!” A Russian voice boomed, alerting him that he was about to be swept into a very tight hug.
“So good to see you take yourself seriously!” Alexei laughed, letting Bob out of the hug to smile proudly at the broken punching bag. “So big and strong! You will fight good, like the team, soon!” Bob smiled weakly at him, before ducking his head as he started sweeping.
“We have stronger bags, for harder hit. Let me go get, it will be more helpful for your super strength!” Alexei clapped his shoulder hard, startling Bob into dropping the broom. He was so happy to be of help to Bob that he didn’t notice that the broom’s handle was crushed where Bob had been holding it, or that it broke fully upon hitting the ground.
Always making it worse.
-
He’s not sure what spurred him to do it, but Bob found himself sitting in a car with Walker, the other driving to pick up a package from upstate. He hadn’t elaborated what, but Bob guesses he got fed up with sitting in the tower and being a public figure again.
You could help with that. Stop hiding, stop being pathetic.
Walker was humming along to the radio, clearly happy to sit in silence, so Bob stayed quiet as he stared out the window.
He doesn’t even want to talk to you.
He gritted his teeth, forcing himself to keep his mouth shut, to not ruin John’s good mood.
He’s so rarely this happy.
And you’ll ruin it with your presence if you remind him you’re here.
“Walker?”
Way to go Bobby.
“Hm?”
“You like this song?”
Such a stupid question to ruin everything over.
“Yeah! You like it?” He shot a grin towards Bob, the smile staying even as his gaze returned to the road ahead. Bob nodded.
“Its good.”
“I’ll lend you my CD, they’ve got some hits you’ve probably heard them before…”
Walker kept rambling, filling the silence more comfortably.
-
Bob shoved another spoonful of cereal into his mouth.
Pathetic.
He’s been up for hours, and the time on the stove read 3:47 am. He had left his room around 2, and since cleaned the entire commons. So now he sat, munching slowly on a bowl of Wheaties, since Alexei insisted they always have a backup stock on them.
How do you expect to change the world if you can’t even sleep normally?
“Shut up and let me eat.” He grumbled.
“Are you talking to yourself?” Ava spoke, and Bob froze, not having noticed she phased into the room. She leaned against the counter, frowning at Bob.
“Yeah?” It wasn’t the first time and it wouldn’t be the last, even without the dark thoughts.
“Again?” She laughed softly. “You know we’re here for you, any time you want to talk.”
Such an inconvenience.
“I know.” He mentally cursed himself for how his voice wavered.
“Any time.” She re-emphasized. She stared at him, at least, he assumed she kept staring at him, cause his gaze turned back to the bowl in front of him.
“Why are, uh, you awake?” He abruptly changed the subject, idly pushing the cereal around in his bowl.
“The quantum displacement.” She said casually, shrugging. “I can’t wear the suit all the time.” She picked up one of the apples from the bowl and settled in the seat next to Bob.
“It’s kinda like how you have your good days and bad days. Sometimes, Janet’s transfer helps, other days, it’s like she never did anything at all, and I’m back at square one.”
“I’m sorry.”
She’s having her body torn apart constantly and you’re moping about being unable to sleep.
“Again, you don’t have to apologize for something you had no part in.” She took a bite, her gaze once again subtly trying to study his expression.
“Still sucks though.” He mumbled, shoving another spoonful into his mouth to avoid having to keep talking.
Before you say something even stupider.
She was quiet for a long moment, like she was waiting for him to finish and start talking again. He stared at his bowl, risking a glance over to see she was frowning at him. His eyes averted back down.
“Are you sure you’re okay Bob?”
You are worrying her so much, over nothing important. She has bigger problems to deal with.
He smiled, not sure he was very convincing.
“All good.”
-
Yelena cheered, standing with her hands in the air, doing a celebratory spin.
“I win! You lose!” She dropped the controller on the couch and grinned at Bob. He smiled up at her.
“You always do.”
“That is because you are bad at Mario Kart.”
And everything else.
“Not as bad as Bucky.” Yelena snorted, plopping back down on the couch.
“Or Alexei. But they have fun regardless. Like you better be.” She poked his side, but he picked up on the worry that laced her voice.
Of course you’re making her fuss over you.
He laughed, picking up her controller to toss back into her lap.
“I am, I am.” Are you? “I would’ve ratted you out to Alexei if I didn’t want to play.”
She hummed softly.
“Yes, like Bucky does.” She grinned. “Because he is bad.” He laughed softly, turning his gaze back to the screen showcasing Yelena’s sweeping victory over him and the NPCs.
“Do you, uh, want to do another race?”
She has better things to be doing than babysit you.
“I’d love to.” She picked her controller up off her lap, leaning forward to rest her arms on her legs as she scrolled through the tracks. “Pick one.”
“Any is fine.”
“No, you pick, I want to give you a fighting chance.” She waved her hand at the screen, still slowly scrolling through the options.
“I don’t care, any track is fine really.” She huffed at his response, looking over at him.
You’re annoying her.
“Really? Any track? Even Rainbow Road?”
“If it’s what you want to play, sure.” She stared at him.
Stop being difficult.
“Yelena, I don’t care, really. I’m happy just to play.” He gave her a small smile, reassuring her.
“Fine. Moo Moo Meadows it is.” She selected the track, giving him a grin. “You’re going to lose.”
This is a waste of her time.
“I bet I am”
Why do you make her stay?
The countdown set them off, Yelena laughing at Bob’s failure to get the speed boost as she took off.
You know she’d rather do other things, important things.
He managed to hit her with a green shell.
“Oh you bastard.”
The sooner you let her win the sooner she can move on.
His car spun out as he failed to dodge a banana, setting him even further back from her lead.
What an inconvenience you are. A failure at the simplest of things. It’s a wonder she spends time with you, it’s a wonder people stick around, how do you live knowing that you’re just a plague on their lives, that you-
“Bob?”
“I’m fine.” He answered instinctually. Blinking himself back to reality, he sees the game was paused by a notification to connect a controller.
“I don’t think you are.” She said softly, setting her controller down, and reaching towards him. His, which was being crushed in his hands, completely unusable now that he broke it into pieces. He unfurled his hands, letting Yelena catch the remaining recognizable chunks, and letting the smaller pieces fall into his lap and to the floor.
“Sorry-”
“It’s replaceable.” She intercut.
“For ruining the game. And your fun.” He finished. She gave no response as she cleaned up.
For being unable to keep it together long enough.
For being a burden.
“Was it my teasing? I wasn’t being too harsh, was I?”
“No, no, no!” He sat up, looking over at her. “It wasn’t you, it’s just-“
Me. Its always me.
“Is something is bothering you?”
“Nothing out of the ordinary.” Not a lie, not the truth.
So she won’t waste more time on you.
“Whatever bothers you, all of us are willing to listen. Me, Ava, John, Bucky, Alexei, even Mel. You know this?”
“I know.”
She hesitated before speaking again.
“Then why do you never talk to any of us when its clear there’s something on your mind?”
So you’re not any more of a burden.
“It’s nothing I can’t deal with. I always have.”
“But we can help.”
“I don’t need it.” Yelena looked taken aback by his speech.
Now you’ve really done it.
“But we want to help.”
“I don’t want you to have to always help.”
“We don’t have to, we chose to.”
“And let me choose to not need help.” He was standing and walking away, practically beelining it to the elevator before she could protest more.
“Bob…” He jammed the button, ignoring that she called after him.
This would all be better if they weren’t so insistent on being there for them.
If they let him just drift away and go back to dealing with his issues by himself. Alone.
Because in the end, you’ll always be alone.
The elevator dinged, the doors sliding open.
-
Yelena gave him space about it. And she clearly said something to the others, because they gave him space too. Nobody brought up the way his mind was clearly drifting in conversation. Nobody brought up the way the air seemed to shift whenever they struck up conversations with him. But nobody left him alone. Missions and press always seemed to conveniently leave someone behind in the tower, someone who would hover around him, make him food, ask for help doing something. He didn’t have it in him to be annoyed with how loud the void was getting.
It was movie night. Alexei wanted to watch a Disney princess movie, insisted upon it, but did not pick any in particular, leaving the group to have to narrow it down themselves. They settled on Brave, a movie both Bucky and Yelena failed to have watched.
Bob fought to not let his mind wander, wanting to enjoy the movie, to keep that voice from his head.
Nothing would change for them if you weren’t here.
He audibly sighed, earning small looks from the rest of the team.
You should just turn in early, you’re going to ruin the night.
Why can’t you just be normal?
Why can’t you? It’d make everyone’s lives easier.
He vaguely registered the movie got paused.
Ever since the team moved in you’ve been nothing but an issue. Always needing attention. Always the problem. Always taking their focus.
Were they talking to him?
They’d all be so much better off without you. Without having to take care of you. How ridiculous that you can’t take care of yourself, can’t control your powers, can’t do anything right.
Everything seemed to far away.
Push them away more. Make it easier for them to leave you. You know they want to. You deserve to be alone.
“Just breathe for us Bob.”
Alone.
“You’re not alone Bob, we’re all right here.”
“Deep breathes, that’s it.”
Reality seeped back in, his eyes managing to focus on Ava, who knelt in front of him, her hand gently resting on his knee.
“There you are.” She muttered softly, her shoulders sagging as she exhaled. Bob tried to ask her what she meant, but his mouth refused to cooperate with his brain, and nothing came out.
“Take your time.” Bucky’s voice came from his left, and he forced his head to turn that way, finding Yelena sitting with him on the floor next to Bob. He slowly turned the other way, confirming that Alexei and John sat on his other side, and his eyes trailed down to see John was letting him squeeze his hand. He wasn’t even aware he was doing that, nor did he have any control over loosening his grip. They all looked really worried.
But they let him sit and come back to his senses, as painfully long as it felt to Bob.
“I’m sorry guys.” He finally mumbled, his hand relaxing its grip on John’s. He didn’t pull away, so Bob wiped his face with his other sleeve, internally cringing when he realized how hard he had been crying.
“Don’t you start with that.” Alexei spoke up, frowning at Bob. He opened his mouth to apologize again.
“If you say sorry I’m going to punch you.” Yelena said first, and Bob slowly closed his mouth, trying to avert his gaze. They all stayed quiet again for a moment.
“How long has the Void been back?” Bucky finally asked after minutes had passed.
“What?”
“The Void.” Alexei repeated.
“You started pulling the shadows towards you.” Walker more helpfully supplied. “You were shaking really bad, we-.”
“No, no that, its nothing, its fine, I’m fine-”
“Bob you are clearly not fine. You just started hyperventilating in the middle of a stupid Disney movie.” Yelena said bluntly, leaning onto his shoulder, taking a water cup from the table to hand to him.
I’m still shaking.
He took a long sip of the water.
“Talk to us.” Ava said. “What’s going on?” Bob’s gaze flitted up to her and then scanned the faces of the rest of his friends.
“I…” He started, voice faltering out as he remembered just how hard it was to be honest about how he felt.
“It’s okay.” John said softly, squeezing his hand reassuringly. “We’re not going anywhere.”
“I’ve been hearing it for two weeks.” He admitted. “I thought it was just a one off thing, and I didn’t want to say anything and worry you guys over nothing, and then it just kept getting worse, and things were really so nice and I was going to ruin it all if I spoke up about my problems, so I just dealt with it, and it spiraled and got worse and worse, and I’m such a mess I didn’t want to lose you guys-”
The team all started talking all at once to reassure him as he rambled, and he realized that he had started shaking the room with his power.
“Sorry, shit, I’m sorry-”
“Bob again with the sorry, stop apologizing.” Bucky said. “You have a lot to deal with, you know we get it. You know we aren’t mad at you.”
Tears started streaking down his face again, and Yelena reached up to wipe them away.
“Do not apologize for being you. We love you.” Her words were soft, and she stared at him expectantly, until he slowly nodded.
“Okay.” He took a shaky breath in, and deflated against the couch as he exhaled, the tension slowly easing out of him. “Its… hard. To talk about how much I’m struggling.”
“You, and us, will learn to get better at it. For your well-being.” John agreed.
“And for us.” Alexei added triumphantly. “We will be a better team and rise to glory! With strength of our group therapy!” Bob laughed as the others started sighing, Ava shaking her head to hide that she was smiling at him.
“Can we finish watching the movie?” Bob asked sheepishly, before quickly adding: “Can you also back it up a little, I kind of missed a little…”
Bucky grabbed the remote, and obliged Bob’s request, Yelena reaching to grab pillows to throw at everyone as they resettled around each other on the floor, Bob moving to lean into Walker as Yelena leaned back onto him, Ava draping herself across his and John’s laps, Alexei shuffling to grab a blanket and plopped behind them on the couch, next to where Bucky had settled behind Yelena, before tossing the blanket over the four on the ground.
They fell back into banter as they resumed watching, Bob spending more time focused on the little gestures as his fam- friends passed food around and joked with each other. He felt warm, a small smile sitting on his face as the clear signs that he was cared for showed in the others’ behavior.
“Thank you.” He said quietly, to all of them, and while they all mumbled responses, there was not a sound in his head.