Chapter 1: Reboot
Chapter Text
The cracked floor of the ruined fortress stretched like scars through its dark corridors. A metallic stench hung in the air as shadows danced with the flickering light of fallen torches. That abandoned stronghold, once a refuge, was now known by a name that chilled the blood of those who dared whisper it:
"Pandemonium."
A place that could only be described as a demon's nest.
And at this very moment, hell was about to break loose.
From outside, the clamor of countless knights of the realm echoed like a war cry—their swords drawn, their hearts ignited by the mission entrusted to them. Only one name passed their lips, a title forged in blood and fear, a cursed echo that had spread throughout the kingdom like a plague.
"King of the Purge!"
A name that not only struck terror into the hearts of the weak, but had also defied the authority of the mighty.
The Kingdom of Lugunica, upon discovering the whereabouts of the one who bore this name, did not hesitate in its response. The order was clear: total extermination. They did not merely dispatch an army of holy knights—faced with a threat of such unprecedented scale, only one decision made sense.
Ordinary soldiers would not suffice.
Tactics and strategies would not be enough.
To slay a monster, they needed the edge of a hero.
And so, at the threshold of battle, standing among the bravest, the figure of a man shone with a presence impossible to ignore. His very existence seemed to drive back the shadows.
"Reinhard van Astrea."
The Sword Saint.
He who, blessed beyond measure, had been sent to eradicate darkness itself.
The wind howled like a harbinger of death as the roof of the fortress shattered into pieces.
Through the rain of rubble, a figure descended with the fury of a lightning bolt.
Reinhard van Astrea.
The Sword Saint had entered the scene.
But as his gaze fell upon the interior of Pandemonium, his expression darkened. Before him, at the heart of the darkness, stood the leader of that infamous organization.
He was not alone.
At his side, two figures observed the scene.
One of them, a demi-human with sharp features, bit the end of a pipe with a crooked smile. He wore a black kimono adorned with intricate purple patterns, and his narrow eyes conveyed a sense of calm.
The other, a young man with blue hair, remained unshaken. His blue kimono fluttered slightly in the breeze, but his expression was as serene as a still lake, a stark contrast to the tension that filled the room.
And between them, standing like a king upon a throne of nightmares, was the one whose name inspired terror across the kingdoms.
"Natsuki Subaru."
The "King of the Purge."
A man who had walked the edge of madness, leaving behind a trail marked by blood and ashes.
A man who had once been saved... and who now had to be stopped.
Upon seeing Reinhard, Subaru gave a mocking smile, as if the hero's arrival only added more amusement to the game.
Subaru: Well, well... the Sword Saint himself. Has the kingdom run out of pawns to throw at me? Or were you just in the mood for a heartwarming reunion?
But Reinhard did not answer right away. He simply looked at him with restrained sorrow.
The man he had once called a friend now stood before him... unrecognizable.
Once, Reinhard had saved him. Once, he had believed in him.
But the Subaru he had known was gone—erased by something even his divine blessings could not comprehend.
Now, the man who stood before him was no longer someone he could call a friend.
He was only an enemy.
And Reinhard had a duty to fulfill.
There was only one movement.
The air tore apart as a shadow lunged at Reinhard with inhuman speed. Two blades, like the claws of an unleashed beast, came down on him with deadly precision.
But Reinhard did not flinch.
He raised his sword with ease, as if blocking the strike were the simplest thing in the world. The clash of steel shook the very foundations of the fortress, and for a moment, the sheer pressure of the collision seemed to freeze time itself.
Then, with a cold gaze, he uttered a name that echoed in the tales of the mightiest warriors:
"Cecilus Segmunt."
One of the Nine Divine Generals.
The strongest among them.
Wielder of the legendary twin katanas, Murasame and Masayume, his fighting style was a whirlwind of death—a torrent of unreadable movements, each flowing seamlessly into the next.
But Reinhard already knew him.
Long ago, their paths had crossed in a battle that became a defining moment.
It was not a fight driven by revenge, nor a clash with some hidden purpose. It was something purer—two warriors destined to test their strength, to discover who was truly the strongest.
On that occasion, the Dragon Sword Reid had acknowledged Cecilus as a worthy opponent—something only a rare few in history could claim.
Their previous duel lasted an entire night. Under the starlit sky, the heavens themselves seemed to bear witness to every clash of steel. Reinhard, with his overwhelming speed and unmatched strength. Cecilus, with his sword-dance that defied logic, capable of creating a thousand attack paths with a single motion.
Despite Reinhard's apparent advantage, that battle was no easy feat for him. For the first time in a long while, he found himself in a fight where he could not let his guard down. Cecilus was like a storm—unstoppable, unpredictable, and devoid of any readable pattern.
In the end, it was Reinhard who emerged victorious.
But not because Cecilus was weaker—rather, because his opponent still had limits.
Limits that, with time, might be broken.
And now, they stood face to face once more.
But this time, it was no duel between warriors.
This was a battle to the death.
Cecilus's eyes burned with the same excitement as that night. A smile spread across his face as he took a step back, spinning his twin katanas between his fingers.
Cecilus: I've waited a long time for this. Last time, I couldn't cut you... but now, Reid has decided that fate owes us a rematch.
Reinhard: This isn't the same. This isn't a duel. You're my enemy now.
Cecilus: Exactly! That makes it even more thrilling!
The pressure between the two warriors made the ground tremble.
Meanwhile, Subaru's other subordinate—a man with an imposing presence—had already made his decision.
"Halibel."
The strongest man in Kararagi.
Without wasting a second, he stepped up to Subaru and gripped his arm firmly.
Halibel: This isn't our fight. We're leaving.
Subaru said nothing. He simply cast one last glance at the scene before turning away, leaving behind the duel that would shake the heavens.
Without hesitation, Halibel vanished into the shadows of Pandemonium with Subaru in tow, as the storm of blades between Reinhard and Cecilus was about to be unleashed.
▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔
The fortress hallways crumbled around them.
The walls trembled with every explosion outside, the screams of battle mingled with the crackling of flames, and the stench of blood and ash filled the air.
Halibel moved forward with steady steps, guiding Subaru through the chaos—
until, at some point... Subaru stopped.
He stepped away from the path without a word.
Halibel: Where are you going?
Subaru didn't respond. He simply let his feet carry him, as if something was calling to him—as if he already knew what he would find.
And there she was.
Standing in the middle of the corridor, eyes sharp, teeth clenched—
Frederica Baumann.
The moment their eyes met, she didn't hesitate.
She charged at him with blind fury, every motion burning with determination.
But she never reached him.
In the blink of an eye, Halibel intercepted her.
His hand closed around her neck with the same ease one might snap a dry twig. With a single motion, he immobilized her, his fingers beginning to squeeze with brutal force.
Halibel: You'll die here.
His arm tensed.
Subaru: Stop.
Subaru's voice echoed through the ruined hallway.
Halibel didn't release her right away. He slowly turned his face toward Subaru, searching his expression for the reason behind the command.
Halibel: Su-san...?
Subaru didn't look at him.
His eyes were fixed on Frederica—on her hardened expression, on the way she kept fighting, even with her life hanging by a thread.
And then, he spoke.
Subaru: Frederica... to be honest with you... I actually liked the food you used to make.
Frederica blinked.
She didn't understand.
Those words... what did they mean? Was it mockery? A final insult before finishing her off? Or perhaps...?
Before she could make sense of it, Subaru continued.
Subaru: Halibel... I want you to take Frederica out of here and run as far as you can.
The flames roared around them, as if Pandemonium itself rejected those words.
Halibel stared at him.
Halibel: And what about you?
Subaru: I'm staying.
The way he said it—so bluntly—left no room for doubt. No space for pleading.
Halibel: But—
Subaru: Live.
The weight of that single word crashed down on Halibel like a boulder.
Subaru: You repaid your debt to me long ago.
He paused for a moment. His lips parted, but the pain within forced him to grit his teeth.
And then, with a voice on the verge of breaking, he finally said it:
Subaru: And if it had been possible... if things had been different... I think I would've liked to call you "friend."
Halibel felt something inside his chest shatter.
He couldn't respond.
There were no words that could change this fate.
Because he understood.
Subaru had already made his decision.
He didn't press the matter.
He didn't want to drag that moment out any longer than necessary.
Clenching his teeth, he turned on his heels and, without another word, took Frederica and fled the place with her.
But he didn't look back.
He didn't want to see the person he had, until that very moment, considered his lifelong friend...
Because he knew that if he did, he wouldn't be able to keep walking.
▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔
Subaru was alone.
The echoes of battle had faded. Halibel was gone. Frederica had been saved. But he...
He was still there.
Pandemonium was still burning—but now, fire wasn't the only thing consuming the air.
The atmosphere turned cold.
A chilling breath swept through the ruined halls, slowly extinguishing the flames that had devoured what remained of his fortress. A crackling sound echoed beneath his feet.
Ice.
Subaru closed his eyes for a moment.
It was obvious.
He was already here.
The Great Spirit.
"Puck"
Or so he believed.
If Puck had entered the battle, it could only mean one thing:
Cecilus... had lost.
A shiver ran down Subaru's spine, but not because of the cold.
He knew Cecilus. He knew what he was capable of.
If even he had fallen to Reinhard, then the Sword Saint was closer than Subaru had hoped.
But there was something more.
Puck... wasn't fighting for him. He wasn't fighting for the Pleiades organization.
Puck only had one reason to enter battle.
And Subaru knew it.
The spirit was protecting something—
or rather, someone.
A room within Pandemonium.
A place where a silver-haired half-elf remained.
"Emilia."
Puck must have thought that, amid all this chaos, the Royal Knights would see her as an ally of Subaru... a contributor to Pleiades.
That's why he was fighting.
That's why he was trying to hold Reinhard back.
For her.
Subaru lowered his gaze.
His fingers trembled, but not from the cold.
The thought hit harder than he wanted to admit.
—What happened to Emilia?—
—Did she manage to escape?—
—Yes... she must have.—
—Please, tell me you did.—
A small, tired smile formed on his lips.
Because she...
She was one of the few people who still held color in this gray world.
But—
Subaru barely had time to react.
The pain came before the thought.
A cold blade pierced through his abdomen, tearing flesh and muscle with terrifying precision.
The air escaped his lungs in a choked gasp.
A moment later, he felt the warmth of his own blood soaking his clothes, trickling between his trembling fingers.
Clenching his teeth, he slowly turned his head to see the one responsible.
And when his eyes met those of his attacker, something inside him shattered.
"Otto Suwen."
The same man who not long ago had made an offer to Pleiades.
Subaru: Why...?
His voice was barely a whisper. A thread of disbelief and agony woven together.
Otto looked at him without a trace of guilt, without hatred, without any emotion at all.
Otto: This isn't personal. I'm just carrying out my master's orders.
A sharp pang of rage twisted in Subaru's chest, mingling with a bitter sense of resignation.
Subaru: Damn you...
He clenched his teeth, one hand pressing against his wound in a futile attempt to stop the bleeding.
But Otto did nothing more.
He didn't attack again.
He didn't make sure Subaru died on the spot.
He simply turned and walked away.
Why?
Did he think Subaru would die anyway from blood loss?
Did he want his death to be slow and painful?
Or was there another reason?
The sound of Otto's footsteps faded into the distance.
And Subaru...
Subaru collapsed to his knees.
The blood kept pouring from his abdomen—warm, sticky—spreading across the floor of the Pandemonium.
Everything around him remained steeped in gray.
For the first time in a long while, Subaru felt that the world he had painstakingly built... was finally collapsing upon him.
And he knew it.
From the day he chose not to jump from that cliff, from the moment he decided to keep walking instead of surrendering to death, he knew his fate had been sealed.
His life would never be the same.
This... this was his fault.
The world had cursed him.
The choices he made, the paths he walked... each one had dragged him to this very moment.
That's why he couldn't trust anyone.
Words, promises, outstretched hands... all of them were stained with falsehood.
Everyone, sooner or later, lied.
Everyone... except them.
The only ones who still held color in this withering world.
Beatrice.
Emilia.
And—
A shiver ran down Subaru's spine as he saw the figure appear at the end of the hallway before him.
Emilia.
A glimmer of purity in the midst of darkness.
Her silver hair reflected the moonlight filtering through the rubble. Her amethyst eyes shone with warmth. The faint scent of snow lingered in the air.
For a moment, the pain disappeared.
For a moment, the blood flowing from his wound no longer mattered.
For a moment... his whole world was reduced to her.
Emilia approached with slow, delicate steps until she knelt beside him.
Gently, she nestled her body against his, as if trying to share her warmth, as if she wanted to protect him from everything lurking around them.
Subaru: What are you doing here, Emilia...?
His voice sounded weak—much weaker than he would've liked to admit.
She looked up, gazing at him with a tenderness that didn't match the cruel reality surrounding them.
Emilia: I've made up my mind.
Her hands softly clutched his clothes.
Emilia: I want to run away with you.
Subaru felt his breath catch.
Emilia: Let's escape from all of this—together.
A deep, resounding heartbeat.
For a moment, his heart beat with an indescribable longing.
He wanted it.
He wanted to take her hand. He wanted to run away with her. He wanted to leave everything behind.
But...
Reality came crashing down on him like a heavy slab.
It was impossible.
Subaru clenched his teeth, feeling bitter despair take hold of his chest.
Subaru: I'm sorry...
His voice sounded dull, as if his very soul was crumbling with every word.
Subaru: But the place is completely surrounded. My death is inevitable.
He waited.
He waited for her to say something.
Something sweet, something hopeful—something to make the pain in his chest a little more bearable.
He waited for her to say something that would push him forward, something that would make him feel like there was still a path to take, still a reason to keep going.
But what he heard...
What she said...
Knocked the air from his lungs.
『Emilia: Then... let's die together.』
The world stopped moving.
His thoughts froze.
His heart beat with a chill of pure terror.
His eyes widened, reflecting the absolute horror consuming him.
— ...
A strangled sound escaped his throat.
And then...
He pushed her.
He shoved her away with an instinctive force, driven by an irrational, primal fear.
His hands were trembling.
His breath was ragged.
His entire body screamed that something was wrong.
『Emilia: Subaru?』
Her voice sounded confused.
Innocent.
She tried to approach him again, reaching out her hand.
But before she could take a single step...
『Subaru: Don't touch me!』
The shout burst out before he could stop it.
It echoed through the empty hallway, crashing against the stone walls like an open wound.
Emilia's eyes filled with pain and bewilderment.
But Subaru couldn't see her.
He didn't want to see her.
His vision was trembling.
His mind refused to process what he had just heard.
Fear took hold of his body, gripping him with overwhelming force.
Right now...
In this moment...
Subaru wasn't seeing Emilia.
He was seeing a nightmare.
And that nightmare was closing in.
The colors she once radiated faded, as if swallowed by a dense, gray fog.
Emilia...
Her figure—once so vibrant, so full of life—was now fading into nothingness. The entire world turned gray, empty, as if the last spark of hope had been extinguished in that very moment.
Subaru couldn't bear it.
With the last of his strength, he began to run, his legs trembling under the weight of exhaustion and the terror chasing him.
–No!–
A torn voice reached him from behind.
Emilia: Subaru!
It was a plea. A cry for him to stop, to look back.
But Subaru couldn't.
He couldn't.
There was something in his chest, something deep in his soul, that wouldn't let him take even a single step back.
He didn't want to see her.
He couldn't.
It felt as though everything he had ever known was crumbling. As if everything that had once made sense was now swallowed by shadow.
He kept running, the sound of his ragged breathing echoing with every step, while behind him, Emilia faded into the distance.
He reached his room.
The door shut, the room dark—everything felt distant, detached from the anguish tearing him apart inside.
But there was still something...
A hope.
With trembling hands, Subaru approached the bookshelf that occupied part of the wall. He slid out a book carefully, as if afraid that everything might collapse.
A click echoed as a hidden mechanism activated. The bookshelf shifted to the side, revealing a door secured by several locks—old and rusted, groaning as they opened.
This place was a secret.
One he had kept under the strictest confidentiality.
No one knew of its existence.
No one had ever crossed that threshold...
No one but him.
The keys, guarded with obsessive care, slid easily into the locks, and the door creaked open.
Behind it, a cold stone wall stood—and chained to it, a figure.
Subaru walked forward, his steps uncertain, slow.
His eyes scanned the scene, every detail etching itself into his memory. And though his body felt heavy and worn, his heart began to beat with a renewed intensity.
The figure was there, motionless, chained by both arms to the wall.
But... she still had her colors.
A warm, radiant light—almost blinding—surrounded her.
It was her.
The only one who still remained as she once was.
The only thing that had not faded away.
"Ram"
Subaru knelt before her, his voice broken—unable to speak at first.
Finally, the words came out, like a heartbreaking whisper.
Subaru: Ram...
Her eyes opened slowly, as if the simple act of waking required monumental effort.
But upon seeing the desperation in Subaru eyes, a flicker of recognition lit up her gaze—a spark of understanding.
And for a moment...
Just for a moment...
The world was no longer gray.
The cold of the fortress vanished.
The pain in Subaru's body faded away.
Everything became color again, as if time itself had paused—as if all the suffering and shadows surrounding him had receded for just an instant.
But this moment wouldn't last long.
Subaru knew his time was running out.
He knew the world would continue to collapse, that death was already closing in, and that this small corner of light would soon be extinguished.
But while he was there—with Ram at his side—he clung to the hope that, at least in that moment, there was something real.
Something that still had color.
Ram long pink hair cascaded down gracefully, a mane that still retained its shine and softness, despite everything she had been through.
She didn't move. She didn't say a word.
Her silence spoke louder than anything she could have said.
She knew what was about to happen.
With trembling hands, Subaru freed Ram from her restraints.
The sound of the shackles falling to the floor echoed through the still air of the room.
She remained motionless, still, like a statue, her eyes fixed on him without revealing any clear emotion.
Finally, she raised her hands and, with a deliberate motion, began to tighten them around his neck—choking him.
It was the same feeling Subaru had once experienced, when he thought the world had abandoned him.
And yet, now, in this moment, he felt no pain.
No fear.
All he saw was Ram face—her beautiful face, still full of life and color.
Ram...
The one he had cared for and loved more than himself.
The one he had protected without hesitation, even to the point of completely neglecting himself.
It was her.
The same person he had risked everything for—the one he had given up everything to save.
And now, she was the one bringing him to the end.
His vision blurred. Reality slowly faded around him.
All he could hear was the faint whisper of his own breath and the distant sound of chaos engulfing the fortress.
The pain began to slip away.
And then he heard her voice.
『Ram: I hate you, I hate you, I hate you...』
The words were like knives in his heart, and Subaru, despite his helplessness, couldn't stop thinking that she was right. How could she not hate him? He had kept her locked away for so long, had isolated her from everything, had turned her into a prisoner of his own despair. But just when he thought everything was over, what came next froze his blood.
『Ram: ...I love you, Barusu.』
A single tear fell from her eyes, sliding down her cheek. Sadness and love intertwined in that moment, and Subaru, despite his disadvantage and imminent death, felt a stab of despair. He couldn't believe it—he couldn't believe that she truly loved him.
And then, his heart, on the verge of stopping, gave a beat. A single beat that echoed in his chest, as if Ram's love had reached the last corner of his soul. His vision cleared, and he saw those eyes—so beautiful, so full of sorrow, but also of a love so pure and painful that it stole his life more fiercely than any sword or dagger.
With the little strength he had left, he raised his hand—a hand trembling from the lack of oxygen—and brought it to Ram's face. He gently caressed her cheek, the same one soaked with her tears.
『Subaru: No... I don't want... you to suffer...』
His words were a whisper, his last attempt to comfort her, to keep her from feeling alone in that gray world. He didn't want to see her cry, he didn't want to see her sad. He didn't want her to suffer anymore.
And even though the world darkened around him, in that final moment, Subaru was able to see Ram as the person she had always been to him. Not the prisoner. Not the cause of his suffering. Just the woman who had been by his side, the one who had cared for him and loved him.
With his last breath, Subaru smiled. Because, in his final moments, he had understood what had always been true:
Ram loved him.
The world went completely dark for Natsuki Subaru. His body, already devoid of life, collapsed into the lap of Ram. The warmth of his being had vanished, leaving only a freezing cold that enveloped him entirely. The suffering and guilt Subaru had carried on his shoulders for so long finally faded away with him.
Ram, her gaze lost, looked at the lifeless face of Subaru. Her heart twisted, but at the same time, there was a strange peace inside her, a peace she didn't know if she deserved. She hated him so much, so deeply for everything he had done, for all the suffering he had caused, for the decisions that had led them to this point. But at the same time... she loved him. She loved him with every fiber of her being, even as her hatred consumed her, even as the fury from everything they had suffered together overwhelmed her.
With trembling hands, Ram slowly caressed Subaru's face, now cold and lifeless. The tears wouldn't come—she couldn't cry anymore. Her chest was so tight it hurt to breathe, and the weight of everything she had lived through by his side became more and more unbearable.
She felt her heart broken. In pieces. Not just because she had lost him, but because she hadn't been able to prevent it, because she hadn't been able to save him from himself, from that monster that had dragged him into the darkness. How could she love someone who had done all of this? How could she still feel love for him, when in her last words she had told him she hated him?
But even so, in the deepest part of her being, she loved him.
The wind slipped into the room, cold and icy, like a warning. Ram didn't need it. She knew what was coming. She knew there was no escape. Her fate was already sealed. She was part of this end as well.
With her head bowed over Subaru's body, and an unbearable weight on her heart, Ram slowly closed her eyes. There was no strength left to go on. The cold settled into her chest. Her soul, wounded, emptied of everything, no longer wanted to fight. She was exhausted—of it all, of betrayal, of love, of despair. She wanted it all to end.
Then, the sound of the icy wind mixed with the creaking of the structure surrounding them. A cold shadow slid through the room, and without warning, an ice stake pierced her heart.
The pain was absolute. A deep pain that tore her from reality, leaving her trapped between two worlds. The coldness of the ice merged with the feeling of emptiness in her chest.
Ram, with Subaru's lifeless body in her lap, died beside the person she had most hated and loved in the world. The last breath of life escaped from her body, and with it, her existence faded away, merging with the pain of an unrequited love, a love marked by tragedy and loss.
It was the end. Of everything. Of her suffering, of her love, of her hatred. And as her vision faded, the last image she saw was Subaru, in her lap, so vulnerable and distant, so irretrievably lost.
The world went dark for both of them.
"Return by Death"
Chapter 2: Why?
Notes:
Hablando de esta historia, ¿les gustaría que la traduzca al inglés? Puedo editar nuevamente el capítulo anterior y también este, junto con el resto, para traducirlos al inglés, que es el idioma internacional y que la mayoría de las personas entiende. Lo único inconveniente es que las traducciones podrían tomar algo de tiempo y quizá no sean perfectas, ya que todavía estoy aprendiendo el idioma. Para mis lectores hispanohablantes, pueden dirigirse a Wattpad, donde encontrarán toda la historia completa en español, junto con algunas mini historias adicionales al final de algunos capítulos (Eso no lo pondré en AO3, a menos que realmente quieran que traduzca esas mini historias random). Ahora si pueden leer el capítulo.
------
Speaking of this story, would you like me to translate it into English? I can edit the previous chapter and this one, along with the rest, to translate them into English, which is the international language that most people understand. The only downside is that the translations might take some time and may not be perfect, as I am still learning the language. For my Spanish-speaking readers, you can go to Wattpad, where you will find the entire story in Spanish, along with some additional mini-stories at the end of some chapters (I won't include those on AO3 unless you really want me to translate those random mini-stories). Now you can read the chapter.(I’ve already translated it, so it may contain errors. Apologies again.)
Chapter Text
【Return from Death】
【Last save point: one week ago】
Subaru had opened his eyes after another Return from Death.
The ceiling was the same as always, barely lit by the flickering light of a dying candle in the corner of the desk. He no longer flinched upon returning. He no longer screamed or gasped. That reaction had burned away from sheer repetition, as if his very soul had learned to accept the cycle with cold, automatic resignation.
He had died at the hands of enemies. He had died to traps. He had died by his own decision, again and again, letting himself fall into darkness as a necessary punishment. This time was no different... and yet, it weighed just as heavily.
In front of him, the documents were arranged with obsessive precision. Papers without creases, ink still fresh, pens aligned, inkwells full. Everything rested on a dark wooden desk, polished and elegant-looking, as if someone had tried to contain chaos with a touch of order.
Among all these things, a small golden coin caught his attention.
It had been delicately placed between the papers, and its polished surface gleamed under the candle's last flickers. The wavering reflection it returned was his own. His face. That withered expression. Those empty eyes.
The face of what Natsuki Subaru had become.
He was tired.
It wasn't a physical or mental fatigue. It was something deeper, like an endless echo reverberating through every corner of his existence. He no longer wanted to see that image. He no longer wanted to open his eyes in this place. He no longer wanted to keep playing the monster everyone believed him to be.
He just wanted... to be at peace.
He lowered his head.
His trembling hands slid up to cover his face, hiding it from the light, from the coin, from the world. The cold of the floor brushing against his knees sent a brief shiver through him, reminding him that he was still alive.
To his misfortune... he was still alive.
When would he be allowed to die...?
When would this hell, endlessly devouring him, finally come to an end once and for all...?
In this return, in this loop, he had held on to faith. A faith almost childlike. For a moment, he had believed that this time would be different. That his desperate thoughts had been heard. That maybe—just maybe—death would finally be final. That everything would end.
But no.
The world had brought him back. As always.
A cruel joke of fate. A bitter reminder that he had not yet paid enough.
Maybe it was fair. Maybe this was what he deserved. The rightful punishment for every choice he had made, for every life that had been extinguished because of him. It didn't matter whether it was out of necessity or desperation. Innocent blood had stained him so many times, he could no longer tell his hands apart from the color of a nightmare.
And still... that wasn't what hurt the most.
The unbearable part was something else.
He couldn't trust. He couldn't surrender himself to anyone's comfort.
The guilty lied.
And the innocent... the innocent would lie too, sooner or later. Not because they were evil, but because that was their nature. That was the world. That was people.
Be they human, beast, spirit, or anything else... they all ended up showing a hidden face. And that was why Subaru had stopped seeking salvation in others. He couldn't afford to believe, not after everything he had seen, everything he had lost... everything he had destroyed himself.
He bit his lip, hard enough that the iron taste of his own blood soon dampened the corner of his mouth. He didn't pull back. He let the red liquid slide slowly, a timid drop slipping down to his chin.
The world around him was gray.
A dull veil covered everything: the walls, the papers, the sky beyond the windows.
And those few people who still had color... were no longer there.
Beatrice had perished some time ago. She had died by his hand.
He knew she was trapped in a never-ending cycle of waiting, like a broken clock frozen at the same hour. She was waiting for someone. That someone who was meant to end her loneliness. He knew it. He had known it all along. He could have approached her, told her it was him, that it had always been him. She would have accepted it—without hesitation, without doubt. And with that, he would have gained not only her unconditional loyalty, but a powerful tool... an irreplaceable piece that would never leave his side.
But he didn't do it.
He didn't lie. He didn't use her.
Instead, he sank a small weapon into her chest.
He pierced her while smiling.
—"I am... Him."—
And Beatrice... smiled back at him.
—"Then... you are 'Him.'"—
It was the first and last time he saw her free from her pain.
That was how her suffering ended.
The other figure who still retained her colors was Emilia.
She, whose lap made him feel, for a few seconds, as if he were still Natsuki Subaru and not the monster the world feared to call by his true name.
When he clung to her, the chaos would fade. Time would lose its edge. The world would stop hurting.
But all of that was lost.
In the last loop, she offered him something that broke his soul.
She offered to die with him.
Had it been his fault...?
Had he corrupted her mind, keeping her caged for so long, depending on her to the point that she began to depend on him?
Had he dragged her down into the abyss, slowly, to the point where dying by his side seemed like an act of love...?
Small tears began to slide down his face, timid, as if still unsure whether they had the right to be shed. They fell to the floor in silence, merging with the cold of the wood. And then, just as his thoughts seemed to drown in the abyss, a different drop descended.
A drop of blood.
From the wound on his lips.
It fell alongside the tears, and it was then that the light of dawn began to filter through the windows. Through the glass, the first rays cast their glow gently, tinting the room in warm hues that contrasted with the world's perpetual gray.
And amid that desolate scene, the red drop gleamed.
Small. Solitary. Intense.
As if defying the silence and resignation of everything around it.
And it was that red... that red made him remember.
The red of a pair of eyes he could never forget.
『Subaru: Ram...』
The whisper escaped his lips like a secret the soul could no longer hold.
He had sunk so deep into his own sorrow that he hadn't realized her absence in it. She hadn't been among his memories of pain. Not because she didn't hurt—no—but because her very presence was different.
Remembering her didn't break him.
It calmed him.
As if her mere existence were enough to soothe the monster.
As if, in the midst of chaos, there was still something... someone, capable of making him believe that not everything was lost.
And then he heard it.
That whisper—faint, distant, but burned into his memory with fire:
"...I love you. Barusu."
It was the last thing she said before dying in his arms, in that loop he thought would never end.
And even now... even now, that echo was enough to hold him together.
Ram.
She was the only one in this faded world who still retained her colors.
Her intense crimson eyes. Her pink hair. Her voice—sharp as a blade, yet warm as a promise. Everything about her remained real. Authentic.
She hadn't been lost.
She hadn't been corrupted.
She hadn't given up.
His mind finally managed to stabilize after all those thoughts had overwhelmed him. Now it was clearer than ever: he was falling in love with Ram.
With a smile he almost never showed, he left his office, walking calmly... far too calmly for someone who bore the title of "King of the Purge."
He moved through the corridors of Pandemonium with small skips, like a child. It was a strange and endearing sight for anyone who knew the current Subaru. And even though no one saw him, that slight, sincere, gentle smile broke—if only for a moment—the iron mask he wore day after day.
At last, he arrived at a massive hall. In the center stood an imposing throne, and on either side, two unmistakable figures awaited: Cecilus and Halibel.
His steps returned to a serious rhythm, but that barely perceptible curve of happiness on his face didn't fade—and his subordinates noticed it right away.
Cecilus: Looks like the boss had a great dream. That smile's not normal for him.
Halibel: Maybe it was a dream... did it have something to do with the princess?
Subaru froze in place. His expression hardened instantly.
Halibel: Did I say something out of line, Su-san?
Subaru: No... you didn't. But please, avoid saying that name again.
Cecilus: Uhhh... smells like love trouble! Did the princess break your heart, boss?
Subaru: It'd be best if you stayed quiet, Cecilus-san.
Cecilus: Easy, boss, easy. I'm just trying to brighten up your gloomy days a little. That smile from earlier... you should show it more often. It looked good on you, boss.
Halibel: This time... I feel like Ce-san's right.
Cecilus: You heard that! Halibel-san agreed with me. We've got to celebrate this with a toast—alcohol or tea, whatever works.
Halibel -with a slight smile as he brings his kiseru to his lips-: Su-san, you know I worry about you. Not as a subordinate... but as a friend. Seeing you smile, even just a little, is something truly priceless.
Subaru: Halibel-san...
Halibel: Don't force yourself to say what you don't need to. I know you're not someone who shows your feelings easily, so... just live a little lighter when you can. You're not alone here.
Subaru: I know... even if I sometimes forget.
Cecilus: That's it! And if you ever need a night to talk about women and secret romance techniques, you know I've got your back. Well... at least I'll listen.
Halibel -narrowing his eyes at Cecilus-: Sometimes I forget you're insane... and then you speak.
Cecilus: Thank you, Halibel-san! Always so direct. That's why I like you.
Halibel -turning his attention back to Subaru, more serious now-: Su-san... you carry so many lives, so many choices... But no one should carry it all alone. Even you have the right to rest, to be happy. If someone makes you smile like that... then protect them, without regrets. But also... allow yourself to live. Truly.
Subaru -looking down at the floor, silent for a few seconds before lifting his gaze with resolve-: Thank you... Halibel-san.
Halibel -in a soft, sincere voice-: I'll always be here for you, Su-san. No matter what.
Cecilus: Uh, is this a game? Then I want to say something too. Boss, I love your ideas... but even more, I love the dishes that maid of yours makes. I'd say they're more delicious than anything in Vollachia. And that mayonnaise! Wonderful, unique, exquisite. I've never tasted anything like it. Makes me want to live just for that
Subaru: I thought your only reason for joining me was to fight Reinhard.
Cecilus: And it is, of course. But also... I guess I consider you guys my companions. If that weren't the case, I would've left this place a long time ago.
Subaru: Don't worry. You'll get that fight. Not soon, but it'll come. And I promise you... it'll be one you won't forget.
Cecilus: That's all I need to hear! Although now that I think about it... changing the subject, what was it that brought out that little smile of yours, boss? If it wasn't the half-elf, then... who or what managed to make the King of Purge smile?
Halibel: Heh... I believe that's something private for Su-san.
Cecilus: Oh, come on, there's no harm in being curious. I always tell you guys about my dreams. Even the weird... or repetitive ones.
Subaru: And in all of them, you do the same thing. Nothing.
Cecilus: Exactly! That's the ideal life. Just relaxing and letting the world spin on its own. But... now that I think about it, could it be your smile came from a dream that was a little... steamy?
Subaru: W-What did you just say?
Halibel: Don't worry, Su-san. Dreaming about those kinds of things is completely normal at your age. Nothing to be ashamed of.
Subaru: Who said I dreamed about that?!
Cecilus: Your face is all red, boss...
Subaru quickly covered his face with both hands, trying to hide his embarrassment.
Subaru: Enough! Stop talking about that. You know I hate those kinds of topics...
Cecilus: Come on, boss, you should treat yourself once in a while. I know places where there are lovely ladies you can have a good time with. And with huge breasts, by the way!
Halibel: The girls in Kararagi are also quite charming, if you're looking for something more exotic.
Subaru: Seriously, that's enough...
With a huff, Subaru turned around and walked a few steps away, giving them his back.
Subaru: I've got something very important to take care of right now. I want both of you to come with me.
Halibel calmly stepped forward to his side, his gaze as serene as ever. Cecilus took his place on the other side, wearing his usual carefree expression.
Subaru: Also...
Both looked at him curiously, waiting in silence.
Subaru: I prefer breasts... a bit smaller.
Halibel and Cecilus exchanged a glance and smiled, each in their own way. It wasn't common to see Subaru respond to their banter, and yet, there he was. Even if only for a moment... he was allowing himself to have fun.
However...
Even after sharing that moment, even after that fleeting smile, Subaru's view of his two companions remained shrouded in an impenetrable gray. It was a dull shade that cloaked their silhouettes, as if distrust had taken root deep within his soul, impossible to erase even in the face of their loyalty. Cecilus was too erratic, too impulsive, like chaos disguised as loyalty; Halibel, on the other hand, was calm, measured... but Subaru knew even serenity could hide invisible blades.
He wanted to trust. Deep down, he truly did. But this world gave no room for such luxuries. Not to someone like him. Not after everything he had seen, and everything he had been forced to do.
▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔
The three of them walked slowly through the halls of Pandemonium. Their footsteps echoed like distant signs of something inevitable.
Cecilus: So, boss... what's that important matter you mentioned?
Subaru: It's about the maid... Frederica.
Halibel: Did she do something strange?
Subaru: Not yet. But she will. I know it. It's only a matter of time. It's better to act now, before it's too late.
As he spoke, Subaru pulled out his golden coin. The piece spun between his fingers with almost automatic dexterity, as if it were just another extension of his fractured judgment.
Halibel: Looks like her fate will be decided by the coin.
Subaru: Correct.
Cecilus: Great... But if she's gone, who's going to clean up the messes and make the food? Don't tell me we'll have to do it ourselves.
Subaru: That'll be for fate to decide. Let's just focus on how luck will play out... for her.
The clinking of the coin was like a clock marking the end of something. A sentence passed by a cruel logic: to leave decisions to chance—because if the world wasn't fair, at least the coin would be.
And without another word, Subaru continued walking down the hallway, eyes fixed ahead, while his thoughts—dark and heavy—spun as fast as the coin in his fingers.
▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔
They finally arrived at a room that, by its layout and scent, seemed to be a fairly large kitchen. Subaru was the first to step in, his movements slow and deliberate, as if each step marked a sentence.
And there she was.
Standing in front of a large wooden table, her back to them, was Frederica—the current maid of Pandemonium. Upon hearing the footsteps, she turned quickly, her expression hardened and brow furrowed, though a hint of fear peeked through her usual firmness.
Frederica: Subaru...
Her words hung in the air as two more figures crossed the threshold: Halibel and Cecilus. Frederica's eyes widened slightly, surprised by their presence. The tension became palpable.
Frederica: Sir... what brings you to this place? It's still too early for the meal to be ready.
Subaru: I didn't come for food. Tell me... lately, it seems your stay here hasn't been all that pleasant, has it?
Frederica: W-what are you saying...?
Subaru: Let's suppose... you had the chance to send a little message outside. Just one. Would you use it to contact your dear younger brother? Your grandmother, perhaps? Or better yet... would you send our location to the Kingdom of Lugunica?
His words were like a dagger. Frederica instinctively took a step back, clutching the tray in her hands tightly against her chest. The faint trembling in her arms did not go unnoticed.
Frederica: H-how... how do you know that?
Subaru: I just know. But from what I see... you haven't done it yet. Not yet.
He turned slightly toward her, his grey gaze locking onto her eyes with a coldness that left no room for pleas or denials.
Subaru: You're still in time... and that's why this deserves punishment. What was your brother's name again...? Ah, yes... Garfiel.
Frederica: No! Please, sir! Don't harm him... Take my life if you must. If you want to punish someone, take my body, but leave my family out of this, I beg you.
Subaru: I don't want your life, Frederica. Nor your body.
His voice was sharp, completely devoid of emotion. With a fluid motion, he pulled a small golden coin from his pocket.
He held it between two fingers, staring at it as if the fate of everyone could be compressed into that round, silent object.
Subaru: I won't make the decision. As always... fate will decide.
Frederica: That coin...
Subaru: Yes. Heads... you and your family will live. Tails... they die.
Frederica: Sir... I beg you!
Subaru: It's too late, Frederica.
He flicked his thumb, and the coin shot toward the ceiling, spinning rapidly as silence in the kitchen grew unbearable.
He flicked his thumb, and the coin shot toward the ceiling, spinning rapidly as silence in the kitchen grew unbearable.
Frederica's eyes followed the metallic movement in the air, with a mixture of hope and horror she couldn't conceal.
Finally, the coin fell into Subaru's palm. He closed his fist tightly as Halibel and Cecilus watched in silence. Slowly—very slowly—he opened his hand.
『Subaru: Frederica...』
His voice was deep, slow... and cruel in its suspense. Then, a faint smile, barely visible, formed on his face.
『Subaru: It's heads.』
The air rushed back into Frederica's chest all at once, and she barely managed to keep the tray in her arms steady.
Subaru: For now... your family will live. But listen closely. One more mistake... and there will be no second chance.
Frederica: Y-yes, sir...
Subaru: I see you understand. I have nothing more to say, so I'll be leaving now.
He turned around with his characteristic firm stride, though just before fully crossing the threshold of the door, he stopped—as if remembering something at the last moment.
Subaru: I hope you have the food ready soon. I really like the way you prepare it.
His words, though simple, carried a strange undertone... almost as if, in the middle of judgment, he was trying to salvage a shred of humanity he no longer knew if he still had.
Frederica: The food will be ready in just a few moments, s-sir...
Subaru: I see. And you can just call me Subaru, like you used to... or however you prefer. Well... I'll see you in a bit. I'll be in my office if you need me.
Without waiting for another response, he left. His figure vanished into the shadows of the hallway, leaving behind a trail of tension and emptiness.
Halibel remained silent for a few seconds, observing Frederica with half-closed eyes. She didn't dare move. Finally, the wolfman exhaled slowly, as if releasing an invisible burden.
Halibel: I'll be leaving too. It's a good day for a walk. Hope you do well, Ce-san.
His tone was calm, as always, but his gaze briefly settled on Frederica. He said nothing more. He simply turned on his heels and left the kitchen, the soft sound of his sandals fading gradually into the distance.
Only Cecilus and Frederica remained.
The swordsman looked at the maid in silence, one hand resting casually on his hip. Then he tilted his head, smiling as if nothing had happened.
Cecilus: Alone again, huh?
His gaze drifted to a fruit basket, half-sliced, on the counter. He took a step, then another, until he stood in front of her.
Cecilus: I wasn't too eager to cut your throat anyway. You make good food. That's worth more than most people think.
Frederica didn't respond. She simply lowered her gaze, clutching the tray even tighter in her hands.
Cecilus: Well, I'm off for a walk too. Sometimes there are interesting things on the rooftops if you know where to look.
With a relaxed smile and whistling a strange melody, he left, leaving Frederica alone in the silence.
She didn't move for several minutes. Only her trembling breath filled the kitchen.
Her eyes remained fixed on the coin Subaru had used. It was no longer there, but its memory hung in the air as if it had been stabbed into the table with a knife.
Frederica -thinking-: How much longer... can I endure this place?
The kitchen still smelled of spices, freshly chopped vegetables, of boiling broth. But inside her, there was only a thick, oppressive void.
And the Pandemonium... remained silent.
▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔
The office of the King of Pandemonium was a sober place, with gray walls devoid of decoration and just enough light coming through a window to prevent drowsiness. Silence reigned, interrupted only by the constant sound of paper rustling and a pen gliding precisely across it. Subaru worked as always—reviewing reports, signing documents, and maintaining order in a world that refused to be ordered within himself.
A pair of soft knocks broke the routine.
Subaru: You may enter.
The door opened with a slight creak, and there she was. Frederica, carrying a tray of carefully prepared food. Her bearing was dignified, but her steps revealed the tension of someone walking on thin ice.
Frederica: Here is your meal, sir.
Subaru: You know what to do.
Without hesitation, she nodded. She took a spoon and tasted one of the dishes in front of him. She chewed, swallowed. The act was mechanical—almost ritualistic. They both knew it wasn't a test of flavor... but a test of loyalty.
Subaru: That's fine. You may go.
Frederica: As you wish...
She turned and left, closing the door behind her with a discreet click.
Subaru didn't move immediately. His eyes remained fixed on the tray, as if he could uncover a secret just by staring at it. The steam continued to rise from the bowl, but he had no intention of taking a single bite.
Because that food... was never meant for him.
He took it in both hands, lifting it carefully. The still-warm aroma of the ingredients was intense, but Subaru did not let himself be swayed by it. He left the office, closing the door behind him with a soft motion.
His destination lay hidden in the depths of Pandemonium. A place no one knew—not even Cecilus or Halibel. A place he had sealed himself, with both doors and promises.
There, beyond the echo of empty hallways, beyond watchful eyes and measured words, was Ram.
A secret.
A sin.
A hope... that only he could protect.
Subaru walked down the solitary corridor, holding the tray of food in his hands, making sure none of it spilled. When he reached a door that appeared ordinary, he ensured no one had followed him. He entered, locked it behind him, and then went straight to the bookshelf against the right wall.
His fingers slid across the spines until they stopped on one in particular. He pulled it slightly outward, and a faint metallic click signaled that the hidden mechanism had been triggered. The wall slowly opened, revealing a door sealed with multiple locks and enchantments. Subaru disabled them one by one, with practiced movements. When the final one released, a soft warm light spilled out from within.
The hidden room was immersed in a serene silence. The place was small. But there, at the center of it all, what truly stood out wasn't the room... but her.
Ram.
She slept peacefully, her face relaxed, breathing softly. Even in that forced confinement, her presence felt ethereal. Her pink hair, her smooth skin, her calm gestures... it was as if everything about her denied the harshness of the outside world. She was the only one who still held color in his gray world. The only one he could trust without a single doubt.
Subaru stood still for a moment, watching her, as if seeing her sleep were enough to justify his own existence.
She stirred slightly, her eyelids trembled... and finally, in a soft voice, she called him.
Ram: Barusu...
Subaru: Ram...
Their eyes met. There were no words for a few seconds, only the faint sound of steam rising from the bowl of food. Until, as always, Ram broke the silence.
Ram: Stop looking at me with those lecherous eyes.
Subaru: Eh? I'm not looking at you like that!
Ram: You lie with the same clumsiness you walk with.
Subaru: Hey, I'm not lying! Besides, if I had any bad intentions, don't you think I would've taken advantage by now?
Ram: So you thought about it.
Subaru: No!! I didn't think about it! You're twisting my words!
Ram: You're denying it with too much passion, Barusu. Clearly a repressed pervert.
Subaru: I'm not a pervert! And definitely not repressed!
Ram -with a faint smile-: Alright, alright. Are you going to keep whining or are you going to feed me?
Subaru: R-right... sorry.
He sat in front of her with the tray on his lap. Ram's wrists were still bound by thin shackles, reinforced with a magic only he could undo. She couldn't feed herself, at least not without help.
He picked up a spoon, blew on it slightly, and brought it to her carefully.
Subaru: It's hot. Open up.
Ram -with a soft grimace-: Barusu, you're not my nanny.
Subaru: No. But I'll do it anyway, because I want to.
Ram looked him in the eyes in silence, as if weighing the meaning of those words. Then, without saying anything else, she accepted the bite.
In that moment, in that secret corner of Pandemonium, the world ceased to be gray.
Just for a moment.
▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔
Ram received the next bite with grace, chewing slowly. After swallowing, she briefly closed her eyes, savoring the flavor, then looked at him with a raised eyebrow.
Ram: Well... looks like Frederica outdid herself with this dish. Have you tried it yet?
Subaru: Eh... yeah, I've tried it.
He replied while averting his gaze, a clumsy attempt to sound convincing. But Ram's eyes fixed on his face, and she noticed the obvious: Subaru still looked the same... no, rather, it was becoming more and more clear that he wasn't eating properly. His sunken cheeks, his tense posture, and that slight shadow under his eyes gave him away. It was the face of someone forcing himself to keep going, for something he didn't share with anyone.
Ram: If you've already tried it, then tell me... what does it taste like?
Subaru: Uh... well... it's well seasoned, right? A bit of... salt, some... meat, and...
Ram: You're such an idiot, Barusu.
She sighed as she leaned her back against the wall behind her.
Ram: If you don't eat properly, your body's going to collapse before I can kill you with my own hands. And if you die before that... I'll never forgive you.
Subaru -smiling faintly-: Don't worry. I don't plan on dying by anyone's hands but yours.
There was a brief silence between them, a soft pause, as if Subaru's words had settled inside her.
Ram: Ram likes hearing that from Barusu.
Subaru lowered his gaze a little, still holding the spoon as he turned the tray on his lap. There was something about her words that weighed on him and comforted him at the same time. She was still Ram. Even if her hands were bound and her freedom denied... her essence remained intact. Imposing. Steadfast. The only one who still spoke to him without fear.
Subaru -in a low voice-: You're the only one who still talks to me like I'm human...
Ram -looking up, serious-: Because you are, Barusu. Even if you act like an idiot sometimes, you're still human. A human idiot... who doesn't take care of himself the way he should.
Subaru -with a bitter smile-: It's enough for me that you believe that.
She didn't reply. She simply opened her mouth to receive the next bite. Subaru brought the spoon to her slowly, as if the act of feeding her was his only tether to reality. As she chewed in silence, he watched her... and for a moment, all the pain, the betrayal, the doubt, the Pandemonium, the corpses, and the coin... all of it disappeared.
Ram was still there.
And that was enough to live one more day.
In the end, Ram ate only half of the dish. The spoon rested gently on the edge, and she turned her gaze away with a serene expression.
Subaru: You don't want any more?
Ram: No. I'm satisfied with that.
Subaru: Are you sure? You can ask me for as much food as you want, you know that...
He stopped himself when he saw the way Ram was looking at him—not harshly, but with a stillness that spoke louder than any words.
She already knew.
She had known for a long time... that he didn't eat in her absence. That he only fed himself with what she left behind. That he lived with just enough, as if his life only deserved the leftovers... the crumbs of a world that no longer trusted him.
But Ram, always observant, always relentless, had understood everything in silence.
Ram: Yes. And stop insisting... it only makes you look more like an idiot, Barusu.
Subaru -with a faint smile-: Alright.
He stood up, carefully picking up the tray. The chains on Ram's wrists jingled softly as she moved her arms, watching him walk away. She said nothing else, because she knew that if she spoke, Subaru might not be able to bear it. Because in her silence, she was saying thank you too.
Subaru left the room, closing it with the same delicacy one uses to protect the most precious thing in the world. When he finished locking all the seals, his body gave in.
He slowly let himself slide down against the wall of his chamber, sitting on the floor. The dish was still lightly steaming. The scent lingered... warm, comforting, like a beautiful lie in the middle of hell.
He looked at the remaining half.
And began to eat.
No rush. No pride. Like a ritual. As if with every bite, he could absorb a little of her existence, a little of her color, a little of the hope that only Ram could leave him in a world that no longer shone for anyone else.
Subaru -in a low, trembling voice, almost like a prayer-: Thank you, Ram...
Because that half-finished meal wasn't just food. It was her way of saying:
"Don't die."
"I see you."
"I'm letting you live one more day."
And for Subaru... that was more than enough.
Chapter 3: Aphrodisiac
Notes:
I'm not sure if the translation is correct. A friend of mine is translating it.
Chapter Text
Two days had passed since the last loop. This time, Frederica would not send the location of the Pandemonium to the Kingdom of Lugunica, which meant that the current Sword Saint, Reinhard van Astrea, would not come.
With that, almost all urgent problems were under control.
Only one matter remained to be resolved... Otto Suwen. One last loose end before Subaru could allow himself, for a brief moment, to breathe.
However, the moment now approaching was not one the current Subaru looked forward to. Not like the Subaru from before would have. The one who still smiled without pretending. The one who allowed himself to hope in this moment.
It was time to visit the so-called "Princess of the Pandemonium."
Emilia.
In the previous loop, Subaru had witnessed something that still gnawed at him: the instant Emilia lost her colors. The sight had been like watching a flower freeze all at once beneath a snowstorm. Since then, just the memory of her lifeless face was enough to make his chest tighten.
Seeing her again was not something he desired. Not sincerely.
Fear overtook him... because he no longer knew if he could look at her the same way.
But he had no choice.
If he didn't go to see her, Emilia might do something irrational. And if that happened, Puck, the spirit who always stayed by her side, would act with her... bringing consequences Subaru couldn't afford to face right now.
So he had to do it.
Even if he had to pretend.
However, his mind calmed for a moment as he remembered.
All of this... everything he did, he did for her.
For Ram.
It didn't matter if he had to face all the kingdoms, or carry the weight of a thousand sins. As long as it was for her, as long as his actions protected her, Subaru would find purpose amidst the chaos that engulfed him. Ram... his only light in this gray world that tried to consume him a little more each day. His beacon, his refuge, his truth.
And if to protect her he had to see Emilia again...
Then he would not hesitate.
So he walked. His steps led him through the halls of the Pandemonium, to an area where great doors sealed by multiple locks rose like guardians of secrets. Only he could undo those locks, up to a certain point.
Finally, in front of the last door, his lips parted with some difficulty.
Subaru: Puck...
From within the shadows, a tiny figure emerged, floating with his usual carefree expression. The small feline-shaped spirit looked at him with bright eyes.
Puck: Oooh, Subaru. You came to see Lia, huh? And earlier than usual. What a surprise.
Subaru: Yeah... I wanted to see her... —the words caught in his throat for a moment—. I wanted to see her again.
Puck: Hmmm. Are you alright? She's been waiting these days too... she always asks about you.
Subaru: I see. Then... would you help me?
Puck: Sure, no problem.
With a slight motion of his little paws, Puck released the final magical seal. Only he could open that door. Only he had that privilege.
And beyond it, silence took hold.
A room decorated in shades of white and purple was revealed, warm, serene, alive... completely different from the rest of the Pandemonium, as if time flowed more slowly, more gently there. The walls seemed to breathe peace, a stillness as artificial as it was dangerous.
And at the center of it all, sitting on a sofa with a faint smile, the half-elf waited.
Emilia: Subaru.
He took a step... and his heart tightened.
Because he no longer saw her the same way. Not anymore.
The colors had vanished from her. The shine of her hair, the warmth of her skin, the light in her eyes... all of it had been replaced by a dullness that hurt him without meaning to. A beautiful portrait, but lifeless.
To Subaru's eyes... Emilia was only gray.
Subaru: Emilia...
He took a few steps forward, unhurried, as if each one weighed more than the last. And without saying a word, he gently let himself fall onto Emilia's lap.
He didn't do it out of desire. Nor for comfort. He did it because that was what he was supposed to do.
It was what the old Subaru always did whenever he had a moment to see her. He would curl up beside her, and while the world crumbled beyond those doors, he found something close to peace in the warmth of her lap.
That was how it used to be.
But not anymore.
Now, feeling the contact with her body, resting his head on her legs, he felt only emptiness. As if he had laid his head on smooth, hard, cold stone. There was no sweetness. No warmth. Just a polished falsehood, a hollow illusion.
Emilia's hands began to gently stroke his hair, with the same tenderness as always.
Emilia: You look tired... are you alright?
That voice, which once would have calmed his soul, was now nothing more than a distant echo that couldn't reach him.
He didn't answer. Not right away. He simply closed his eyes, pretending to feel something he no longer did. Because even if he tried... even if he gave it everything he had...
She no longer had color.
And he... he was no longer that Subaru.
With the only words he could form amid the storm of thoughts, he said it almost in a faint whisper:
Subaru: Yeah... I'm fine.
Emilia didn't respond. She didn't question him. After all, he had always been like this. Every time he came to see her, he spoke little, as if words weighed heavier than wounds. But this time, there was a subtle difference... a barely perceptible change, yet impossible to ignore.
His words sounded cold.
There was no longer that emotional tremble, that fragility that used to hide behind his silences. Now there was only a distant echo, as if the person speaking wasn't really there anymore.
Emilia, perhaps out of habit or necessity, simply continued stroking his hair with the same sweetness as in days past... unaware that each touch felt like an icy needle piercing Subaru's skin.
He just wanted it to end.
Being there, receiving the caresses of someone without color... was unbearable. Not because Emilia had done anything wrong, but because he could no longer see her the same way. Because now his heart beat for only one person.
Ram.
For a moment, he closed his eyes, escaping from the whiteness of that room, from the empty contact. In his mind, he tried to paint a new picture: one where he lay in Ram's lap.
Maybe she would be calling him a "pervert" with that teasing, distant tone, while running her fingers through his hair with feigned indifference. Maybe there'd be a frown of annoyance on her face... but he'd know it was fake.
That's what he wanted. Only that.
To feel Ram's warm, slender hands brush his face. To hear her gentle voice, even if wrapped in sarcasm. To be looked at by those eyes that, unlike the rest of the world, still shone with color.
Because only she... only Ram, remained real.
And without meaning to, he let it slip. A whisper, as if his soul—rather than his mouth—had spoken it.
Subaru: Ram...
It was so soft... but for Emilia, it was enough.
Emilia: Huh?... R...?
She tried to ask, but was stopped by a quick reply—a lie disguised as routine.
Subaru: It's nothing... I'm just tired.
Emilia: That's alright. Just feel at peace, Subaru.
Emilia's voice was kind, even warm... but in his ears, it sounded empty, like a distant echo that couldn't break through the fog in his soul. It wasn't her fault. She was doing the best she could, with the same tenderness as always, with that patience so many admired.
But for him...
It was no longer enough.
Subaru closed his eyes, trying not to think about how his heart had become a room with only one window. A window through which a single light entered. A single person.
Ram.
When he said her name, it hadn't been by accident. He said it because, in that moment, more than ever, he needed her near. Like a castaway whispering the name of the lighthouse still keeping him afloat. Like a monster who, despite everything, still longs to be touched by a human hand.
The body now holding him, the lap he rested on, felt foreign. Cold. Like a block of ice pretending to be tender. Unlike the memory of Ram, who enveloped him with warmth even when her words were sharp, who looked at him with resolve even when her eyes always seemed to be judging.
Emilia: ...Subaru.
She called him again, softly, as if sensing he was lost.
He just nodded. Said nothing more. He knew that if he kept talking—if he let out even one word that wasn't a lie—everything would fall apart.
So he remained there, in silence, pretending. Pretending to be the Subaru Emilia believed she knew.
And deep within his chest, the real Subaru... kept holding on to the memory of Ram.
▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔
After a few minutes, Subaru found himself outside once again, having endured the empty warmth of Emilia's lap. His footsteps echoed softly across the floor of the Pandemonium, as he wandered the halls aimlessly, without direction, with no purpose other than to kill time until he could see her again... see Ram again.
It was one of those rare days when, at least in theory, there were no tasks or imminent threats to deal with. And yet, the rest didn't feel like rest. Only the desire to see her could bring him peace.
He thought of her voice, the way she called him an idiot, her rough way of looking after him—and for a moment... the gray of the corridors seemed to take on a faint pink hue in his mind.
Until a figure crossed his path.
A confident, carefree silhouette, as if no burden in the world rested on his shoulders.
Cecilus.
Subaru: Cecilus-san...
Cecilus: Boss! What a pleasure to see you around here. It seems fate had a little surprise waiting for me. —he said with a smile bright enough to light even the darkest corners of the Pandemonium—. You see, I was looking for Halibel-san, but since I ran into you... I thought, why not seize this glorious opportunity?
Subaru: Seize it for what?
Cecilus: To invite you for a drink, of course. —he crossed his arms, raising an eyebrow playfully—. You're so tense that if I tapped you with my katanas, you'd probably shatter like glass. So a little drink to relax wouldn't hurt!
Subaru: I'm not in the mood, Cecilus-san.
Cecilus: Oh, come on. Just one drink. It's not drunkenness, it's spiritual medicine. Cures bad moods, stress, and those heavy thoughts you carry around like a shadow.
Subaru: I just want to rest, that's all.
Cecilus: Exactly why you should come! Rest feels better with a bit of company and a cup in hand. Look, I'll make you a promise: if you say yes, I won't make a single joke for an entire week.
Subaru: A whole week without saying something stupid?
Cecilus: Exactly. I'll be like a wise and silent statue. A living sculpture of seriousness!
Subaru: ...Just one cup.
Cecilus: That's the spirit, boss! I knew you still had a vibrant soul hidden beneath all that tragic seriousness!
Subaru: Just one cup.
Cecilus: That's all I need! Come, I know a corner of the Pandemonium where even the air feels less heavy.
Subaru walked alongside Cecilus, without much energy, as if each step wasn't taking him toward a drink, but rather toward yet another obligation. Even so, the swordsman walked with lightness, hands behind his head, whistling a tune he had probably made up on the spot. The contrast between the two was as clear as the difference between the gray of the Pandemonium and the fire of a sunset.
As they advanced, they passed through a rarely traveled part of the complex: high ceilings, columns fractured by ancient battles, and a faint dampness on the walls that seemed to whisper forgotten stories. Cecilus seemed to enjoy every corner, as if it all held some kind of charm.
Cecilus: You know, boss? On days like this, one should just go with the flow. Like a leaf floating down the river of fate... although in my case, I suppose it'd be a sharp leaf. —he let out a short laugh—. Maybe even deadly.
Subaru: You're giving me more reasons why I shouldn't have agreed.
Cecilus: Ha! But you did agree. So now you have to endure my poetic attempts until we get there. Of course, no nonsense... for a whole week. That's my vow.
Subaru: You're already close to breaking it.
Cecilus: Oops!
At one of the hallway's forks, an imposing figure crossed their path. It was like an elegant shadow in the shape of a wolf: Halibel, with his towering height, his dark kimono patterned in purples, and the golden kiseru peeking between his fangs. His eyes—narrow and calm—lifted to regard them with disinterest... until he recognized Subaru.
Cecilus: Halibel-san! Just the one I was looking for. We're going for a few drinks. I convinced the boss to join us.
Halibel: You convinced him? —he tilted his head slightly, curious—. Well, what sort of trick did you use to pull that off?
Subaru: He promised not to say anything stupid for a week.
Halibel: Ah... I see. A high price for his nature. —he exhaled a bit of smoke and smiled faintly—. Very well, if Su-san's coming, I'll drink too. After all, I enjoy drinking. And if he's there... I think it'll be a good time.
Subaru said nothing. He simply looked away, uncomfortable with the warmth in Halibel's tone when he spoke about him. Maybe he didn't understand... or maybe he understood too well. But his words weren't empty.
The three of them walked together until they reached an old, forgotten room in the Pandemonium. It was a wide space, with a round stone table at the center and some worn, yet sturdy benches. The walls were covered in aged tapestries, and a small shelf held dusty bottles and cups made of wood and metal.
A magical lamp hung from the center of the ceiling, casting a warm light, as if this corner didn't quite belong to the Pandemonium—but to somewhere else entirely... somewhere calmer.
Cecilus: Here we are! Our secret temple of drinks and ridiculous promises. Make yourselves comfortable.
Halibel: What a nostalgic place... it smells like old memories.
Subaru: Or dust.
Cecilus: Dust has character too, boss! Let's toast to that... and to the fact that, for one night, nothing is falling apart.
Cecilus, with the excitement of a child who had found hidden treasure, approached the dusty shelf and pulled out a bottle wrapped in an old cloth. He lifted it as if it were a jewel, letting the dim magical light from the lamp make the amethyst-colored glass glimmer.
Cecilus: Here it is! A bottle that's been sealed since before the Pandemonium was even called that. It only gets opened on special occasions... or when I manage to convince the boss to drink with me.
Halibel: Then that bottle was never meant to last long. —he smiled faintly as he calmly took a seat on one of the benches, crossing his legs.
Subaru settled in silently, his expression not one of annoyance but rather of resignation. That warm little corner, with its scent of old wood and aged wine, wasn't entirely unpleasant. If he had to spend a night pretending... at least he wasn't alone.
Cecilus poured the contents into the cups. The liquid was a dark red, with reflections that almost looked like fire as they swirled inside the metal.
Cecilus: Before we toast... let Halibel-san open the evening. I'm sure he's got a story that'll make the boss turn red.
Halibel: Hm... I don't usually share unnecessary things. But, if it's about Su-san, there's a memory that still makes me smile every time it crosses my mind.
Subaru: Please don't.
Halibel ignored him with the same calm as the wind ignores the complaints of a fallen leaf.
Halibel: It was some time ago. Right after that skirmish near the frozen pit... do you remember, Su-san? You insisted on going to the front, even when you could barely stand. You said something about "setting an example."
Subaru lowered his gaze, remembering the pain in his legs, the broken ribs... and also the metallic taste of defeat.
Halibel: At the end of the battle, when it was all over, you tried to walk with pride... but you barely managed two steps before collapsing like a sack of fruit.
Cecilus: You carried him!? I missed that.
Halibel: Yes. I carried him with one arm, like a poorly tied bag. Though the annoyed look on his face was worth more than any war medal.
Subaru: I wasn't annoyed...
Halibel: No? Then that wet-cat expression with empty eyes must've meant something else.
Cecilus: Hahaha! Boss! I didn't know you were the "damsel in distress" type.
Subaru: I had two broken ribs, a fever, and couldn't feel my feet... how could I not be upset?
Halibel: And still you refused to let go of your sword. You clung to it until you fell asleep on my shoulder. —he sighed softly, his tone now gentler, more intimate— You're stubborn, Su-san. But... sometimes, that's also what makes you admirable.
A small silence followed.
Cecilus, still smiling, lowered his voice a little.
Cecilus: We're a strange bunch, aren't we? A smoking wolf, a tactless swordsman, and a boss who pretends to be tough but... well, you know. We're all here because we follow your lead. Even if we don't say it much.
Halibel: He's right. Though my way of showing it might not be as loud.
Subaru said nothing. He just stared at the wine swirling in his cup, like a small whirlpool trapped in its own world. Deep down, he wanted to laugh. Or cry. Or say thank you. But all he did was nod.
Cecilus: Then let's drink! To this peaceful night, to the forgotten wine... and to our dear boss who keeps going, even when his own body can't keep up.
Halibel: To Su-san.
Subaru: ...To you both.
Subaru took the cup carefully, watching the dark liquid glimmer for a moment before bringing it to his lips. The strong, somewhat dry taste washed over him, and for a moment, he could taste something that strayed from the constant bitterness that always followed him. It was a small breath of relief in the middle of the chaos—but he couldn't afford to lose himself in that pleasure for long.
He lowered the cup and, looking at Cecilus and Halibel, spoke with a forced calmness, as if the words were just another layer to protect what he truly felt.
Subaru: Thank you... for inviting me. It was... a nice change of pace. —He paused briefly, turning the cup in his hands.— But I have to go. I said just one cup, remember.
Cecilus: What? Already? I thought you'd stay a little longer, boss. The wine's just reaching its prime.
Halibel: I suppose the day's tension has already caught up to you. —Halibel spoke in his usual calm tone, though his gaze revealed a slight concern.— Do what you feel is necessary, Su-san.
Subaru: It's not really that... —He smiled faintly, though his eyes showed exhaustion.— I just... need to rest. And it's not like I could stay much longer anyway.
Cecilus: Alright, alright. But at least come next time. You could really use a break—you know that.
Subaru: I know. —He nodded, his smile fading a little as he set the cup down on the table.— Some other time. Really... thanks.
He stood from the table and, with a simple gesture, bid farewell with a small nod. Words were left behind, as his mind now had a single destination: Ram. No matter how much effort he put into hiding it, the moment he turned away, the feeling in his chest grew stronger—like a distant longing he could no longer suppress.
He walked through the halls of Pandemonium, the sound of his steps echoing in the quiet of the night. The sense of relief from having left the room after that brief breath was short-lived, and soon, uncertainty flooded him again.
The night itself wasn't what troubled him—it was the need to see that person. To see Ram. His mind cleared only when he thought of her, of the warmth in her presence that he couldn't find in anyone else. Every minute away from her felt like an eternity, and even though he knew he should rest, his body longed for nothing more than to be near her.
He finally reached his room, but he didn't stop there. It wasn't the place he wanted to be, not yet.
Without thinking, he headed straight to the small place where Ram used to be.
He entered after activating the mechanism, said nothing, and simply took a few steps forward. He didn't need to speak. He just wanted to see her eyes. The image of her, though distant, remained his constant longing.
However, after only a few more steps, his legs gave out, and he fell to his knees on the floor with a dull thud he barely felt. His breathing turned erratic, as if the air in the room had changed—heavier, warmer, suffocating. His heart pounded with an almost abnormal violence, and for a moment he didn't know if it was anxiety, guilt... or something deeper.
He lifted his gaze, and there she was.
Ram was asleep. Her calm silhouette, the slight rise and fall of her chest, the serene rhythm of her breath. She hadn't noticed his presence, and Subaru was grateful for that—at least for now. Because in his current state... he couldn't trust himself.
The breath escaping his lips was warm, charged with something he couldn't even define. He had seen Ram many times, had protected her with an almost obsessive devotion... but never like this. Now it wasn't just the desire to see her well, to save her... now his body reacted on its own.
A primal, animal urge coursed through his skin. His hands trembled, his throat was dry, and the heat rising from his abdomen was impossible to ignore. It wasn't a thought. It wasn't a fantasy. It was an instinct.
He wanted Ram. He wanted her body. He wanted to feel her beside him.
And that thought hit him harder than any battle wound. Not because it was immoral or forbidden... but because he couldn't understand why it was happening now, in that way, with such intensity. As if all the emotional repression he had held onto for so long collapsed in that instant, leaving him completely exposed.
Subaru: What... is happening to me...?
His voice was barely a whisper, broken, trembling.
He brought a hand to his chest, trying to calm the heart that threatened to shatter his ribs from the inside. It wasn't just desire... it was desperation. It was need. It was loneliness turned into physical longing.
He didn't dare get any closer. He didn't want to profane Ram's stillness with his dark thoughts. He just clenched his teeth, shut his eyes tightly... and forced himself to breathe.
Subaru -thinking-: I can't... not now... not like this...
Because he wasn't that kind of monster. Was he?
The questions piled up in his mind like blades, while he remained on his knees, motionless, in that threshold where love blurred with desire, and devotion with despair.
▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔
Elsewhere in the Pandemonium, the echoes of the hallway had been replaced by the faint murmur of clinking glasses and unhurried footsteps. The conversation between Halibel and Cecilus flowed naturally, as if silence were an offense in the company of others.
Cecilus: Hahhh, see? In the end, it was a good idea to bring out that bottle. Too bad the boss only stayed for one glass, but hey, something's better than nothing, right?
Halibel: You've always had a talent for persuasion... though I am curious how you've survived this long without reading labels.
Cecilus: Huh?
Halibel accepted the glass Cecilus handed him with indifference, but as he held it, his gaze landed on the bottom of the bottle. A line written in refined, ancient calligraphy caught his attention. He frowned, and with his usual slowness, exhaled a long sigh as he calmly began to read.
Halibel: Ce-san...
Cecilus: What is it?
Halibel: Did you read the specifications of this drink?
Cecilus: Mmm, no. I just saw it was wine, and there was a picture of a pretty flower on the label. Why?
Halibel: I see... —he closed his eyes for a second before speaking— What we just drank wasn't just wine. That flower you saw is a plant used to make potent aphrodisiacs. What we drank is a rare blend, traditional in Kararagi. Quite... intense for humans.
Cecilus: Aphrodisiac?
Halibel: Exactly. It won't affect someone like you or me too much, since our bodies are trained and resistant to these kinds of compounds. But Su-san...
Cecilus: Oooohhh... damn.
Halibel: He's just a normal human. A very persistent one, yes, but his body isn't built to handle these effects. Especially not if he's emotionally unstable.
Cecilus: Well, well... I guess he's got his personal maid to... you know, help him relieve all that.
Halibel: I doubt it. —he looked at his glass without drinking— Most likely, Su-san will endure the urge all night, as if it were a self-imposed penance. I doubt he'll try to release it... even if it's burning him up inside.
Cecilus: Hmmm... how tragic and romantic. Like one of those poems no one understands but everyone applauds. But... now I'm curious. Just how much will it affect him?
Halibel: ...That's what I'm wondering too.
They both fell silent for a moment, imagining the young human with lifeless eyes who had just left, completely unaware of what had been in the glass he drank. Halibel narrowed his eyes and set the glass on the table, not touching it again.
Halibel: We should keep an eye on him. If the effect overwhelms him... he might do something reckless.
Cecilus: Reckless as in dangerous?
Halibel: No. —a faint smile crossed his lips— Reckless... in a human way.
▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔
The place where Ram was held was shrouded in the dim glow of torchlight. Despite the usual silence, her eyes slowly began to open, alerted by an irregular sound... a ragged, heavy breathing, as if something was out of place.
When she fully opened her eyelids, she saw him.
Ram: Barusu...?
Subaru was on the ground, kneeling, his head lowered and his trembling hands pressed against the stone floor. His chest rose and fell violently, as if he had been running without rest... but he hadn't run, she knew that. Something inside him was struggling to break free, consuming him from within.
Ram: Are you alright?
No response.
Her chains rattled as she tried to move, but she remained still, watching him with a mix of confusion and unease. The Subaru she knew, cold as he might be, always found something to say—some jab, some excuse. But this silence... that trembling...
The torchlight flickered for an instant, and in that brief glow, she saw his eyes.
They no longer looked like Subaru's.
And even though she couldn't move, and he still hadn't taken a single step... for the first time in a long while, she felt fear.
Chapter 4: I love you
Notes:
Am I proud of writing this chapter? Not at all.
Chapter Text
Ram watched with growing fear as Subaru approached her with clouded eyes, as if he had been stripped of all reason, turned into something more akin to a beast than the person she once knew. Chained to the wall, with no means of defense, all she could do was tense her fingers and clench her teeth as she saw him stop in front of her.
The space between them became almost nonexistent.
Subaru raised his right hand and pressed it firmly against the wall, right beside Ram's head, trapping her. His left hand, trembling, clutched his own chest tightly, as if trying to contain something boiling within him, threatening to spill over.
His breath, hot and erratic, brushed against Ram's ear, and she could barely hold back a shiver. The sound of his ragged breathing was the only thing breaking the silence of the cell. The scent of his body, the tension in his muscles, and the way he looked at her... there was no doubt: something was wrong. Deeply wrong.
In Subaru's eyes, there was nothing but desire. An impure, distorted, sick desire.
He wanted to make Ram his.
He wanted to touch her body, feel her skin, hear her voice crack as she called his name.
In his mind, forbidden images danced shamelessly. He heard, as if echoes from another reality, her gasping voice whispering from the shadows:
"Baru~su... Don't stop..."
"Finish inside Ram..."
"I'm yours... Barusu..."
They were thoughts unworthy of the one who had vowed to protect.
Without realizing it, his body began leaning toward her. His face slowly lowered to her neck, and he inhaled her scent with an impulse he couldn't resist. Like a beast, he took a deep breath, swallowing hard, feeling his blood boil.
Ram remained motionless. Not because she accepted it. But because she couldn't do anything.
Her hands were still chained to the wall, her body weak after days without rest. Her eyes, however, weren't broken. They looked at Subaru with a mix of anger and confusion.
And then, amidst all that chaos, her voice cut through the fog in his mind like a cold needle.
Ram: Barusu...
It was just a single word.
But it was her voice. It was her.
And for an instant, that was enough.
Subaru's eyes flew open. His muscles tensed, and his body recoiled as if waking from a nightmare. He jerked away violently, stumbling over himself, his back hitting the opposite wall as he gasped in horror.
His eyes were wide open—but not with desire. With fear.
Subaru: ...What... what am I doing?
He brought his hands to his head, his fingers trembling. Not from cold. Not from weakness.
It was repulsion.
It was guilt.
And yet, Subaru knew he couldn't trust that brief moment of clarity. The beast within him—that creature made of lust, despair, and guilt—had not left. It was only asleep. Only waiting for its moment to devour his will once more.
And this time... he felt that, when it returned, there would be no way to drive it back.
His body kept trembling. His hands clutched his hair tightly, as if trying to rip the thoughts out by the root. But it was useless. That part of him, the part that desired Ram in a cruel and selfish way, would not vanish.
He could think of only one escape. A single way to avoid becoming a monster beyond redemption.
"I have to die. I have to die. I have to die. I have to die. I have to die. I have to die. I have to die. I have to die. I have to die. I have to die. I have to die. I have to die. I have to die..."
The thought repeated like a sick mantra, hammering in his head with a desperate voice that no longer felt like his own.
Subaru -thinking-: I don't want to do it... I don't want to hurt her... I don't want to defile her... I can't...
Ram.
She was his light, his anchor, his only refuge in that rotten world. And yet, what festered inside him threatened to turn that love into something monstrous.
Subaru -muttering through clenched teeth-: If I don't die... I'll destroy her.
Meanwhile, Ram watched him in silence, her gaze sharp as a blade.
She saw how Subaru wrestled with himself, hunched over, panting, trembling... a sight that, to her eyes, was frankly pathetic.
Was he under the effects of some drug? Had that idiot really dared come so close to her under a chemical impulse? Her body was still chained to the wall; she couldn't do anything but watch. If Subaru decided to force her, all she had left was her voice... and even that, she knew, could break. That feeling of helplessness filled her with rage.
A rage that burned like poison in her chest.
With eyes full of fury and her teeth clenched, she spoke in a voice as sharp as ice:
Ram: What the hell is wrong with you, Barusu?! Do you want Ram's body so badly that you're ready to dump your filthiest carnal desires into her?! Tsk... what an idiot.
The words were like needles in Subaru's heart. He could barely lift his gaze.
Subaru: Ram... I...
Ram: None of your words will work! I always knew that sooner or later you'd try to defile Ram's beautiful body with those filthy hands of yours, Barusu.
Subaru: I don't want to!
Ram's rage faltered for a second. Her expression changed—not because she believed him, but because his tone wasn't one of excuse... it was one of pleading.
Ram: ...Huh?
Subaru: I don't want to touch you like that... I don't want to hurt you. Let alone force you. But I don't know what to do anymore... my body desires you, Ram, in every possible way. Every thought... every breath... calls for you. And I can't stop it. Right now, I've regained a bit of control, but if I hadn't... right now I'd be... I'd be doing something horrible to you...
His words broke apart. The silence brought no peace.
The voices returned in his head. Fleeting images. False voices.
"Barusu... Barusu... Barusu..."
The Ram in his mind panted, smiled, surrendered into his arms with an erotic sweetness. The Ram in his mind desired him madly. And that illusion pushed him toward the abyss.
Subaru: No... no, no, no! —he clutched his head, eyes wide open, trembling like a child on the verge of breaking— Please... please... kill me.
Ram: What...?
Subaru: Kill me... before I do something terrible to you. I'll... I'll set you free.
With a trembling voice, Subaru muttered a few barely audible words. Instantly, a metallic snap echoed in the room, and the chains binding Ram fell to the floor as if they had lost the will to restrain. Her hands were free.
At that moment, the wind magic around her flared up instinctively, as if the prana responded to the imminent threat. She could end him with a simple gesture. Cut him. Crush him. Silence him.
But she didn't.
She approached. Step by step. Her eyes locked on his.
And then, without another word, she lunged at Subaru and wrapped her hands around his neck, choking him tightly.
Subaru: I... knew it... —he said with a voice broken by lack of air— I knew you would...
But there was no pride in his voice. Only resignation.
Ram's face showed no pleasure. It wasn't a smile of justice, nor a grimace of righteous fury. It was disgust. Pain. Revulsion at having to do this—even if he begged for it.
And still, as her fingers closed around his throat, Subaru felt something that shattered him even more: his body found comfort in that closeness.
Feeling Ram's weight on him. Her warmth. Her breath. Her hands—even if they were strangling him—felt soft. Real. Painfully beautiful.
Subaru awaited death... with his eyes half-closed, embracing the suffocation. It was a familiar feeling. Dying to return. Another loop. Another chance. Another attempt to fix what he couldn't do right.
Then... he breathed again.
The pressure on his neck disappeared. He coughed, gasped, and as he looked up, he saw Ram above him, staring without blinking. Her breathing was ragged, but her expression showed no satisfaction or relief. Only resolve. Only judgment.
Subaru: Why... did you stop?
Before he could process the answer, his body betrayed him. Like an involuntary impulse, the final roar of the beast still howling inside, he shoved Ram.
She fell, her back hitting the floor with a dull thud. And when Subaru realized it, he was on top of her—his hands trembling, breath hot, and his consciousness hanging by a thread.
Subaru: Use your magic... kill me right now. If another minute passes... I don't know if I'll be able to keep it under control.
Ram: Tsk... I can't use my magic properly in here. This room is saturated... But that doesn't matter.
She turned her face slightly, avoiding his gaze, as if her words were as difficult to speak as any she never thought she'd have to say.
Ram: There's no grace in killing you like this. Barusu has become pathetic... you can barely resist yourself. Do you expect me to finish you off so you won't have to face what you are?
Subaru: But if you don't... I'll...!
Ram: It doesn't matter!
The firmness in her voice silenced him. Subaru swallowed hard, feeling his body start to tremble again, his mind darkening. But then, Ram's words struck like a spear.
Ram: If you want it so badly, if your body can't hold it back anymore... then do it.
Subaru blinked, stunned.
Ram: I'll let Barusu pour all his carnal desires into Ram's body.
It wasn't resignation in her voice. It was something else. Something that burned without screaming. A judgment, a sentence... and at the same time, a silent offering.
Subaru: Ram... what are you...?
Ram: And when you're done, when the poison in your body fades... when you come back to yourself and realize what you've done... then I'll kill you with my own hands. Not out of compassion. Not out of rage. But with the disgust you'd deserve if you dare to cross that line.
Subaru trembled. But it wasn't desire. It was a knot in his chest. A fracture in his soul.
Ram: Or did you think I'd cry? That I'd beg? You're wrong. Not even here... will I let you win.
She paused. Her gaze stayed fixed on his—softer now. Sadder.
Ram: Because if anyone is going to decide what happens with Ram's body... it'll be Ram.
And if... after all this... Barusu is still Barusu... then maybe, just maybe, he'll still be worth saving.
Subaru: I'm sorry... Ram.
(You can skip this part, since it’s not necessary to read it, and to emphasize again, what exactly am I writing?!)
▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔
█████████████████████████████
At that instant, the monster of lust that dwelled inside Natsuki Subaru manifested itself with uncontrollable intensity. Unable to resist, he revealed his desire with a determined gesture, showing his member in all its firmness.
Ram -thinking-: Since when did Barusu have something like this?
However, he had no time to process his surprise, as Subaru, without a word, began to kiss his neck. Subaru's lips brushed against Ram's skin, drawing sighs and moans from him that he tried to stifle so they wouldn't be too audible. The place was filled with a palpable tension, where desire and surprise mingled in the air.
Ram: Baru-baru-su, I swear I'll kill you....
Ram's voice was a mixture of excitement and anger. Feeling him so close caused her deep disgust, but, contradictorily, the idea of him being so close to her gave her inexplicable pleasure. Her hands clung tightly to Subaru's back, squeezing him with an intensity that reflected her mixed emotions.
Ram: I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.
Then Subaru couldn't hold on any longer, and with his fully erect member, he penetrated Ram's intimacy, like a vest in search of his prey.
Ram: B-B-B-B-Barusu.
Ram felt pain, as it was the first time he experienced something like this. Subaru was the one who was taking his virginity.
Ram -thinking-: It hurts.
She closed her eyes, trying to concentrate on the sensations that invaded her. The initial pain slowly began to fade, giving way to a mixture of emotions she had never experienced before. While Subaru moved like an animal without control.
Ram -thinking-: I hate you so much.
The tension in the air was palpable, and although a part of her wanted to stop what was happening, another, deeper part wanted to continue exploring that connection. She couldn't help but bring a few small tears to her eyes.
Ram -thinking-: Ram wants only Barusu for herself.... I will kill you.
Subaru at that instant lifted Ram, holding her by both legs, while his member was inside her. He pulled her towards the wall with a mixture of passion and urgency.
Ram: Y-y-you... s-so idiotic and pitiful.
Ram felt his body shudder, caught between desire and confusion. In her mind, an internal battle raged between rejection and the attraction Subaru provoked in her. Despite his words, her body reacted in the opposite way, her hands clinging to him with a mixture of desperation and surrender.
Ram -thinking-: I swear that one day you will regret doing this.
Subaru, for his part, was lost in a whirlwind of sensations, his movements guided by a primal need he could not control. He felt Ram's heat, his breathing ragged, and it only fueled the fire burning inside him.
The moment continued for a while, with both of them approaching climax in a crescendo of emotions and sensations. Suddenly, it all culminated. Subaru ended up reaching ecstasy inside Ram, while Ram simultaneously experienced his own climax. Their fluids mixed together.
Ram: Y-you have cum inside... Ram.
Subaru did not relent, however, and continued to move inside Ram with intensity. She felt each thrust from Subaru, as her body responded to each movement, feeling Subaru's member reach deep inside her womb, causing a mixture of intense and deep sensations.
Ram -thinking-: How much energy he has... and he is emptying it inside me.
Subaru, still firmly holding Ram's legs while she wrapped her arms around his neck, began to carry her carefully towards her room. On the way, some objects fell to the floor, echoing in the silence of the place, while Ram's soft moans filled the atmosphere. Finally, they reached their destination, and with a delicate movement, he placed her on the bed, ending the passionate journey.
At that instant, Subaru's eyes came back into focus.... it seemed that Ram had succeeded in calming the intense passion he had been holding back. However, that emotion was still burning inside him, and that sensation brought him to a climax, causing him to release himself back inside her. This act caused Ram to let out a more intense moan, reflecting the shared moment.
█████████████████████████████
▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔
Subaru was panting. His body trembled. He had just reached climax, and with it, clarity arrived as well… like a slap that brought him back to reality. He opened his eyes, and there she was. Ram. Right beneath him. Still holding onto him. Breathing raggedly. Wet. Her insides still embraced him.
Subaru: ...I did it.
A whisper. It wasn't a victory. It wasn't pleasure. It was closer to fear... or guilt.
Subaru: I... came inside you, Ram...
She didn’t answer. She just looked at him, her pupils barely trembling. Subaru swallowed, wishing he could turn back time, wishing he could say something smarter, braver, but all he managed was a clumsy murmur.
Subaru: I... came back to myself, right when... right when...
Ram: When you had already emptied everything inside Ram? And for your information... this is the second time.
Her tone was dry, direct, but her voice… it wasn’t filled with hate. There was something else. A crack.
Subaru: I didn’t plan this. I didn’t want it to... turn out this way.
Ram looked away. Closed her eyes for a moment, as if holding something back inside. When she spoke again, it was almost a whisper.
Ram: Then why didn’t you stop, Barusu?
Subaru: Because... I gave up. I got lost. In you. In the pain. In everything. I was a monster...
Ram: You’ve always been one, Barusu.
Silence. There was no anger in that statement. Only truth. One Subaru already knew far too well.
Subaru: And even so, you... gave yourself. To me. Your body. Your... first time.
Ram: Don’t think it was out of pity. Or desire. It was... because Ram wanted to. Even if it hurts. Even if she hates you.
Subaru looked at her, his face twisted between guilt and something darker that writhed in his chest.
Subaru: I don’t deserve that...
Ram: You never did.
Subaru: Then... why?
Ram sat up slightly, her eyes fixed on him. A tear slid slowly down her cheek, but her expression didn’t break. Not yet.
Ram: Because Ram belongs only to Barusu. Even if I want to tear your throat out, even if I wish I had never met you... there’s no turning back anymore.
Subaru: Ram...
Ram: Don’t look at me with pity. If you do, I’ll hit you until you’re unconscious.
Subaru: I’m sorry...
Ram: I don’t want your apologies. Not now. Not tomorrow. I want you to live with this. To remember it. To carry it.
Subaru: I already do. Every day.
Ram: Then don’t say anything else.
A long silence stretched between them. Subaru looked away, drowning in his own abyss. But then, unexpectedly, he felt Ram’s fingers barely brush his chest. A trembling touch, as if even she doubted what she was doing.
Ram: If you hate me for letting you do it... then we’re the same.
Subaru: The same?
Ram: Ram hates herself too... for wishing Barusu would never go away.
The room sank into a warm, tense, sorrowful silence. The kind of silence that only exists between two people who have broken each other… and yet, remain close.
Subaru: Ram... I... even after all this... I love you.
The confession wasn’t shouted. It was spoken in a soft voice, choked by guilt, but clear, direct—like a knife that doesn’t try to hurt, only reveal a wound that was already there.
Subaru: It’s not an excuse, or a way to soften what I did. It’s not so you’ll forgive me. I just... just needed to say it. Because if I die tomorrow, I want that truth to exist somewhere outside my own head.
Ram didn’t respond right away. Her body was still beneath Subaru’s, covered in sweat, exhaustion, and the remnants of something they didn’t know how to name. She looked at him with that unreadable expression she had often used to hide feelings only she understood.
Ram: Barusu... you say you love me, right after using me like I was something that belonged to you. As if that love justified what you did.
Subaru -closing his eyes, clenching his fists-: No. Nothing justifies it. Not even love. Especially not love.
Ram -looking at him harshly-: Then what do you expect from Ram? A “I love you too”? A kiss? Forgiveness?
Subaru slowly shook his head. His eyes were red, but he didn’t cry. He had learned to swallow his tears, to let them burn from the inside.
Subaru: I don’t expect anything. I’ve already taken too much. I just wanted to give you the only real thing I have left.
Ram narrowed her eyes. Her lips barely trembled. The weight of the words seemed more unbearable than anything else.
Ram: You have no idea how much I hate when you do that.
Subaru: Do what?
Ram: Say things like that. Words that hurt. That leave Ram with no room to fight back.
A pause. One of those that seems to last an eternity.
Ram -in a low voice-: ...I hate you, Barusu. I hate everything. Your eyes, your voice, that stupid way you throw yourself into everything without thinking. That love of yours that... I never asked for.
Subaru -whispering-: I know.
Ram: But also... Ram... loves you. And that... is even worse.
It was the first time she said it. The words weren’t sweet or comforting. They were like poison, like dried blood. Like a cursed truth.
Subaru -eyes wide-: Ram...
She turned her face, hiding her expression. A single tear slid down her cheek, but it made no sound. She didn’t sob. She just exhaled, exhausted.
Ram: Ram doesn’t want to feel this. Doesn’t want to think of you every time she closes her eyes. Doesn’t want to dream of your hands. Doesn’t want to wish you’d stay. But... even so...
She raised a trembling hand and placed it on Subaru’s chest. His heart was beating hard beneath her fingers.
Ram -in a faint whisper-: ...you’re here. Always here.
Subaru leaned in, his forehead touched hers. There was no desire in the gesture, no shame. Only warmth. Only shared pain.
Subaru: Do you think there’s a world... just one... where you and I could be together... without all this pain?
Ram -closing her eyes-: No. But Ram... wants at least this... this attempt... not to end yet.
He hugged her. Tightly. Not like someone who wants to possess, but like someone trying to hold together something breaking in their hands. And she... didn’t push him away.
Ram: Stay. Even if I hate you. Even if you hate me.
Subaru -in a whisper-: I’ll stay. Because I love you... even if you can’t forgive me.
The room remained in dim light, warm from their still-intertwined bodies, though no longer with strength for more. The silence that had once been heavy now felt different. Lighter. Tired, yes, but not as harsh. Subaru, his face still pressed against Ram’s neck, let out a long breath, as if something inside him had finally been unlocked.
Subaru: Hey, Ram...
Ram: What stupid thing are you about to say now, Barusu?
He smiled faintly—a small, wounded gesture, but real.
Subaru: I was just thinking... I mean, considering the amount and intensity of what happened, isn’t it possible that... you know... I might’ve gotten you pregnant?
Ram opened one eye, barely turning her face to glance at him sideways. Her brow arched in that way only she could do—a mix of absolute judgment and adorable disdain.
Ram: Are you implying that your disgusting animal instincts were so effective that Ram might now be carrying a little Barusu in her womb?
Subaru -swallowing hard-: Well, when you put it that way it sounds awful. But yeah... kinda.
Ram: Tch... how arrogant. Do you think an oni’s body is that easy to impregnate? Fertility among oni is low. Extremely low. If the odds were any higher, my clan wouldn’t have vanished like a spark in the snow.
Subaru fell silent for a moment, processing the information, then muttered under his breath, almost as a joke to himself:
Subaru: ...So you’re saying I’ll have to try more times.
The silence that followed was thick as lead. Until something solid struck his forehead. It was Ram’s hand.
Ram: Idiot. Pervert. Stupid Barusu.
Subaru held his forehead, chuckling through his teeth.
Subaru: That hurt! I deserve it, but it still hurt.
Ram -sighing-: If Ram ends up pregnant after this... it would probably be divine punishment. A creature half Barusu... half oni... that’s a recipe for disaster.
Subaru -pretending to be serious-: And what would you name it?
Ram: I’d throw it off a mountain.
They both fell silent for a moment. Then, without meaning to, they laughed. Not too loudly. Not out of joy. But as if, for a moment, the pain slipped into the background, making space for something else. Something they didn’t know if they deserved—but was there all the same.
Subaru: If it ever happened... if it really did... I’d take care of it. With my life. I swear to you.
Ram -lowering her voice-: I know.
She looked at him with a tired expression, then lowered her head until her forehead rested against his—in a gesture that didn’t seek comfort, only contact. Presence. Reality.
Ram: But if it’s born with your eyes... I hope at least it has my brain.
Subaru -with a soft smile-: If it’s born with your strength and sharp tongue, no one will be able to stop it.
Ram: Then it’ll be perfect.
Their breathing grew softer. The weight of Subaru’s body had shifted slightly to the side, without letting go of her—as if he feared she might vanish if he pulled away completely. Ram, for her part, made no effort to push him off. She only blinked slowly, her fingers playing with loose strands of Subaru’s dark hair.
Ram: Why did you tell me you love me... right now?
Subaru shut his eyes for a moment. He swallowed hard. It wasn’t a question he could answer lightly. So he didn’t.
Subaru -in a low voice-: Because it’s true. Because it hurts. Because I don’t want you to forget it... even if one day you end up hating me more than you already do.
Ram clicked her tongue, but without real annoyance.
Ram: Ram already hates you too much, Barusu. It’s exhausting.
Subaru -with a faint laugh-: I know. But if that hate didn’t stop this... maybe not everything is lost.
She said nothing. Just looked at him. And then, without warning, she slid her hand to his cheek, holding him with unexpected tenderness.
Ram: You say that like you know how much of you I already carry inside. And not just in the literal sense, stupid Barusu.
Subaru squinted, feeling something burn behind his eyes. He wanted to say so many things... but his words fell short, dry, tangled in his throat.
Subaru: If I could go back... if I could do it all over...
Ram -interrupting-: You couldn’t. Because even if you tried... Ram would still find reasons to stay with you. Despite everything. And that’s the most pathetic part of all this.
Subaru -murmuring-: You’re not pathetic.
Ram: Then what am I?
Subaru: You’re... the only thing that still has color in my world.
She opened her eyes. Just a bit more. Just enough for him to see the tremble on her face, the restrained blink of someone on the verge of something. Crying. Screaming. Hitting. Kissing.
Ram -barely audible-: Barusu...
Subaru took her hand. Squeezed it. Not to hold her back. But to say: I’m here.
Subaru: If you hate me... that’s okay. I’ll accept it. But let me stay by your side. Even if all I deserve is your contempt... let me be here. Even if it’s in silence.
She didn’t reply right away. She closed her eyes, let out a sigh that seemed to carry years of held-back weight, and then... simply nodded.
Ram: Only because... if you leave now, Ram would probably fall apart. And she hates the idea of crying alone.
Subaru smiled. His chest still hurt, but in that pain, something felt warm. Human. Alive.
Subaru -whispering-: Then I’ll stay. Until you don’t want to see me anymore. Or until you decide to kill me.
Ram: It wouldn’t be the first time Ram’s wished you dead, Barusu... but this time... it wouldn’t be so easy.
The night dragged on, and though the world outside was still burning in chaos, within those four walls, two broken monsters had found a corner where they could breathe.
Ram -in a final murmur, before closing her eyes-: If you say you love me again... make sure you don’t tremble so much.
Subaru -stroking her hair-: I will. Next time... I’ll do it right.
Just then, in the very moment when the room was filled with the heavy silence of two souls either broken—or irreversibly entwined—a loud knock echoed against the door, which then burst open violently.
Cecilus: Boss!! We came ‘cause we heard screaming, and you know that usually means the party started without us!
Halibel, right behind him, didn’t say anything at first. His tall, composed figure loomed in the doorway, and his ever-half-lidded eyes first landed on Subaru... then slowly shifted to Ram.
Ram was still half-naked, barely covered by the disheveled sheets. Subaru, his face paler than ever, felt every last shred of dignity evaporating from his body.
For a split second, Cecilus's face turned completely serious.
He sniffed the air.
『Cecilus: This room smells funny.』
Chapter 5: One night
Notes:
Comments are now enabled for everyone.
Chapter Text
Subaru remained motionless in the corridors of Pandemonium, with Halibel to his right and Cecilus to his left. None of the three said a word or took a step forward. The night still ruled over the world, wrapped in a thick silence that seemed to hold time’s breath. The moonlight, slipping through a narrow window in the hallway, bathed their still bodies in its pale silver glow, casting long, soft shadows behind them.
Subaru: So it was all because of an aphrodisiac...
His voice was low, tinged with a mix of resignation and embarrassment, as if each word scraped his throat on the way out.
Cecilus: Well, yeah... but it’s not my fault. The bottle was so dusty I couldn’t read the label. Really! It looked like it had been sitting there for centuries...
Cecilus’s tone was light, as always, but even he seemed to be choosing his words more carefully than usual.
It had been several minutes since Halibel and Cecilus had opened Subaru’s room door unannounced, only to be met with a scene they hadn’t expected... not even in their most creative guesses. It wasn’t a vulgar or explicitly sexual image. But something about the arrangement of their bodies, the closeness of their breaths, the stillness that filled the room, made it clear that this wasn’t just any late-night conversation.
Ram was sitting on Subaru’s bed. Her face, though cold in appearance, had a faint reddish tint on her cheeks. Subaru stood in front of her, half-leaning, still not having fully regained his composure. Both had messy hair, disheveled clothes, and a closeness between their bodies that made it obvious they had crossed an intimate line.
For Cecilus, the impact was immediate.
Cecilus -thinking-: Eeeeeeh! Who the hell is that?! That’s not the boss’s style... he didn’t even tell me he was seeing someone!
His eyes sparkled with a mix of surprise and childlike excitement, as if he had just witnessed an unexpected twist in an adventure novel. Of course, the fact that the "Purge King" was half-naked in front of an equally disheveled girl didn’t go unnoticed. Nor did the coldness in her gaze, which contrasted with the slight tremble in Subaru’s fingers.
Halibel, for his part, had remained motionless, his eyes barely squinting as always. But within that silence, he processed what he saw with more depth than he let on.
Halibel -thinking-: It wasn’t lust. Nor just tenderness. It was something more raw. As if both of them had been shattered and... for an instant, tried to fit the pieces together.
He said nothing. He didn’t ask. He didn’t judge.
Because he understood, even if he didn’t know the details. That look in Subaru’s eyes... so empty and at the same time so desperately alive, wasn’t the look of someone who had simply succumbed to a poison. It was the look of someone who had clung to another soul as the only way not to fall.
When both men finally left the room, leaving Ram behind—who, with a slight nod of her head, had made it clear she didn’t need to be escorted—they settled in the hallway, right where the moon was watching them.
And there they stayed.
Cecilus -thinking-: Although... if it wasn’t that half-elf... who the hell was the lucky one?
It was a question that kept circling in his mind. Because he knew Subaru. Or at least he thought he did. The Subaru he had followed to Pandemonium, the one who spoke in short sentences and made firm decisions, wasn’t the type of person who would share a bed with someone for no reason.
And much less without consequences.
However, it was the opposite of what Subaru was thinking.
While the silence continued to cover them like an invisible veil, the young man’s mind churned with a whirlwind of bitter thoughts. Though his lips were shut, inside he was screaming.
He knew Halibel and Cecilus wouldn’t treat what had happened as a mere anecdote. Not after what they saw. Ram’s aura, her presence chained to the figure of the Purge King, wasn’t something that could be swept under a rug of excuses. Both men knew him far too well.
He could simply die.
A part of him considered it coldly. It was as simple as driving a knife into his abdomen, or letting himself fall from the top of a tower. There were many ways. It only took a moment, a single decision, and everything would start over. He could hide her again. He could erase that moment, bury it once more, as if it had never happened.
But his body didn’t move.
It didn’t want to.
Not after what she had said. Not after, with a trembling voice full of contradictions, she had confessed that she loved him… and that she, in her broken way, had answered him back.
That instant when their eyes met. That slight blink in which Ram, without the need for tender words, let him feel that he still had a place in her heart. It was brief. It was imperfect. But it was real.
Subaru -thinking-: I don’t want her to forget it…
And at the same time, a pang bit at his chest.
Subaru -thinking-: But I don’t want her to remember how… how I profaned her body.
He brought a hand to his face, pressing his eyes shut. His breathing grew ragged, but he forced himself to steady it. Because it was that kind of contradiction that tore him apart inside. Between what was right and what was necessary. Between desire and guilt. Between love and punishment.
Subaru -thinking-: This will be the loop that stays… even if that sounds selfish.
Because he wanted her to remember what she said. He didn’t want that small truth to vanish into the darkness of another reset.
And if that meant carrying his shame, his guilt, and his weakness… then so be it.
Even if Halibel judged him. Even if Cecilus laughed or questioned him. Even if Ram… hated him afterward.
Then, taking a breath, he spok
Subaru: Halibel-san, Cecilus-san. The girl you saw a moment ago... her name is Ram. Don’t ask where she came from or what connection I have with her. I’ll only say this: from now on, you will protect her just as you protect me. And if at any moment both our lives are in danger... do not hesitate to prioritize hers over mine.
The words came out firmly, but the tremble in his throat betrayed the emotional weight behind each syllable. He wasn’t pleading. He wasn’t negotiating. It was an order—but also a disguised plea.
Halibel was the first to respond. His calm voice broke the silence with an almost ceremonial serenity.
Halibel: Understood. Your words show how much she means to you. And if she matters enough for you to put her life before your own, I will not hesitate to protect her. I won’t ask how all this happened, or where you met her. I don’t wish to intrude on your privacy... I simply trust that your decisions aren’t made lightly.
His gaze, usually placid, rested on Subaru with a hint of silent respect. He didn’t need to understand the details. For him, the weight of emotion in the words was enough.
Cecilus, for his part, crossed his arms and let out a small, carefree laugh, though his eyes gleamed with a peculiar interest.
Cecilus: Well, I’m on board too. So that means she’s the new princess of Pandemonium, huh? How intriguing.
Subaru: ...She’s not a princess.
Cecilus: Ah, I know, I know. But come on, with that proud air of hers, the way she looked at you... and the way you looked at her... Come on, boss! You can’t blame me for imagining things.
Subaru lowered his gaze slightly, pressing his lips together. For once, he didn’t argue with Cecilus. He didn’t deny it. He couldn’t.
Silence crept between them once again, accompanied by the night breeze slipping through the window. The moon remained high above—a silver witness to a decision Subaru knew he could never undo.
▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔
Inside the room, Ram sat on Subaru’s bed. Her body felt heavy, sticky, dirty… not just because of the sweat still clinging to her skin, but also due to other sensations she preferred not to name. The only thing she wanted in that moment was a hot bath—something to ease the exhaustion and wash away what still lingered on her skin.
She looked around. The room, though simple, was comfortable. Maybe too comfortable. Or perhaps her perception was distorted… after all, she had spent who knows how long locked away, chained, with no windows. She had forgotten how long it had been since she could walk freely…
She ran her fingertips over the sheets, as if still not convinced they were real. That small gesture brought back an unexpected memory: her sister.
Rem.
An invisible pang pierced her chest. She didn’t know why, but being there, in that calm and warm space, made her think of her. Of how they worked together, of the mornings they shared, of the times she feigned annoyance while Rem spoke with enthusiasm… those were days that felt like they belonged to another life. One where they were still whole.
But Rem was gone.
She was dead. And Ram never knew why.
At first, in that dark corner where they had left her, she came to believe Subaru was responsible. That it was all his fault. That the tragedy that destroyed her sister was born from him.
However, as time passed, she let go of that idea. Not through logic, but instinct. Subaru had too many flaws, too many shadows… but the way he looked at her, the way he suffered when he thought no one was watching… it wasn’t the face of a killer. At least, not Rem’s.
So then, what was left for her?
Hatred. A false hatred she had molded so she wouldn’t fall apart. A convenient excuse to keep walking when she no longer had the strength. She convinced herself she hated him... because hating him gave her direction.
But deep down, she knew that hatred was nothing more than another form of love. A twisted love, wrapped in thorns. The kind of love that survives even when everything else dies.
And now she was here. In his bed. In his space. With her body marked by his hands, and her heart beating with something she wasn’t sure she should accept.
Her thoughts were interrupted when Subaru reentered the room. This time with more determined steps, though his eyes avoided hers at first.
Ram: ...Barusu.
Her voice was soft, but her presence filled the space like a hidden blade. Subaru stopped just a few steps from the doorway. He took a deep breath, as if about to make a confession, and then raised his gaze to face her.
Subaru: Ram... You can ask me for anything right now. I’m not going to lock you up again. I don’t want you to live like you did before. From now on... I want to see you freely. I want you by my side, without chains.
He said it with a seriousness he didn’t usually show. There was no doubt in his tone, even though his fingers clutched his scarf tightly. He was afraid of her answer, yes, but even more afraid of losing her again.
Ram observed him in silence for a few seconds. Then she looked away and crossed her arms.
Ram: I wish I could kill you right now. But... I think I’ll save that for another day.
Her tone was bitter, though with a nuance that wasn’t entirely genuine. It was her way of putting up a wall... one that was already beginning to crack. She adjusted a strand of her pink hair and sighed.
Ram: Right now, all I want is a bath. Ram doesn’t like carrying Barusu scent on her skin.
Subaru: O-okay. I get it. You can use the bathroom in the room, it’s yours too. It’s private, so... no one will bother you.
She paused briefly, a bit nervous. Then she extended a change of clothes toward her, as if offering a relic.
Subaru: As for your clothes... I already sent someone to get you new ones. But for now... uh... if you don’t mind, you can wear mine.
Ram frowned immediately, as if she had just smelled something rotten. She looked at the clothes with a mix of disdain and resignation.
Ram: Must Ram settle for Barusu’s clothes?
Subaru: Just for today! I swear! Tomorrow you’ll have clean clothes—pretty, fragrant... worthy of you.
His tone was so desperate that even Ram raised an eyebrow. For a moment, she seemed to enjoy his flustered state. Then she took the clothes with forced delicacy, as if it pained her to touch them.
Ram: If these are soaked with your scent... I’ll burn them afterward.
Subaru: I-I’ll give you permission...
She walked past him without saying another word. Her shoulder barely brushed Subaru’s, but he felt it like an electric jolt. Before entering the bathroom, Ram turned slightly, without looking at him directly.
Ram: ...Thanks for coming, Barusu.
It was a whisper. Almost inaudible. But enough.
Subaru stood still, watching the bathroom door slowly close. He felt a slight warmth in his chest. He didn’t know if it was relief, nostalgia, or just poorly disguised happiness.
Maybe, for the first time in a long while... he felt worthy of staying in that loop.
▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔
Several minutes passed.
Subaru had sat on the edge of the bed, staring at the floor as if he could find there the answers he couldn’t understand even within himself. He still remembered the way Ram had looked at him, the way she had spoken... and how, despite her cold words, she had accepted his help without resistance.
The sound of water finally stopped, and the only thing now was the soft creaking of the floor as someone barefoot walked across it.
Then, the bathroom door slowly opened.
Subaru looked up, and for a moment, he was breathless.
There she was.
Ram’s hair was still damp, a few drops sliding down her cheeks and neck as if refusing to leave her. She wore the black kimono Subaru had left for her, which was visibly too big: the sleeves covered more than half of her hands and the bottom edge brushed her ankles. The contrast of her pale skin against the dark color of the kimono made her look even more ethereal... like a memory that didn’t want to fade away.
Around her neck, the orange scarf he always wore was wrapped clumsily, covering part of her face. One end fell down her back, the other hung to the side, barely swaying with each step she took.
Subaru: ...
He simply watched her. His lips parted, but no words came out. Something in his chest was pounding hard. It wasn’t desire, nor guilt. It was something warmer. Something that hurt and healed at the same time.
Ram: What are you looking at, Barusu?
Subaru: N-nothing... I just thought... that you look beautiful.
Ram stopped. Her expression didn’t change immediately, but her gaze did. A slight blink, almost imperceptible, was enough to show that those words were not indifferent to her.
Ram: This kimono of yours is uncomfortable. The fabric is thick and it doesn’t smell like flowers like a maiden’s clothes should.
Subaru: I-I’m sorry... It’s the only one I have that isn’t torn. And the scarf... I thought you might want to cover your neck, because of the cold.
Ram: It’s not because of the cold, but because it has your scent. Ram doesn’t want to admit it, but... there’s something nostalgic about it.
She sat down in front of him, back straight and hands resting on her lap, like a grumpy porcelain doll. Her hair shone in the dim light coming through the window, and for a second, Subaru thought how unreal all this seemed. That she was there, unchained, wearing his clothes, talking to him.
Ram: What’s wrong? Aren’t you going to say anything else?
Subaru: I’m trying to make this moment stay in my memory... Because I don’t want to forget it.
Ram: How cheesy you are. Ram should slap you for saying things like that.
Subaru: You can do it if you want. But I won’t take it back.
Ram: ...idiot.
She looked away, but her cheeks had just a faint pink tint. It was almost imperceptible, but Subaru noticed it, and that made him smile, even if only a little.
Subaru: I promised I wouldn’t chain you again. But... is it okay if I stay by your side? Just for tonight.
Ram: If you snore, Ram will hit you with a pillow. If you get too close, she’ll kick you. And if you talk in your sleep, she’ll leave you outside.
Subaru: ...Then I’ll stay silent, still, like a statue.
Ram: Ram doesn’t like statues. At least breathe.
For a moment, both stayed silent. Their eyes met. And though no more words were said, there was something clear between them.
They were tired. Hurt. Full of invisible scars.
But for that night, at least for that night... they were together.
▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔
The night passed calmly, but in Subaru’s room, the silence weighed heavier than any storm.
Subaru lay at one end of the bed, covered by the blanket up to his chest, his gaze lost on the barely visible ceiling through the faint light the moon let in. Next to him, Ram slept on her side, wrapped in the kimono and scarf with an elegance that even sleep did not take away. Her breathing was calm, measured. It could almost be mistaken for the whisper of the wind caressing the windows.
But Subaru couldn’t sleep.
He couldn’t.
His eyes were open, dry from lack of blinking, while his mind sank into a sea of images: his own hands on Ram’s body, the sound of her broken breath under the effects of the aphrodisiac, the moment when she, chained, looked at him with those eyes he no longer knew if were filled with hatred or resignation.
He felt dirty. No matter how many times he told himself he had regained control. That he hadn’t forced her. That it wasn’t rape. No... none of that mattered.
The mere fact of having gone so far with her in that state gnawed at him from within.
Subaru -thought-: I can’t... sleep... how could I?
He sat up slowly, without making a sound. He rested his elbows on his knees and buried his face in his palms. His body trembled, as if he could barely hold the weight of his own thoughts.
Then he heard a soft sigh.
Ram: Barusu... if you keep making noise, Ram will regret letting you stay here.
Her voice was soft. Not entirely annoyed. Sleepy. But she was awake. He knew it. And that only made the guilt sink deeper.
Subaru: I’m sorry... I’m sorry, Ram... I can’t... I can’t sleep...
Ram: ...
The girl looked at him silently, without sitting up. Only her eyes remained open, studying him. Watching how that boy she had seen break so many times was now falling apart again... but differently. More human. More fragile.
Then, without saying a word, she stretched out one arm and touched his shoulder.
Ram: If it’s so hard for you... you can rest your head here.
Subaru looked up, confused.
Subaru: Huh?
Ram: I’m not going to say it twice. Hurry before I change my mind.
She was sitting cross-legged on the futon on the floor, leaving a space between her legs, her hands resting on her knees, and her gaze turned away, avoiding looking at him directly. She seemed more annoyed than anything else... but her voice didn’t sound annoyed. It sounded... warm. Tired, but not hostile.
Swallowing hard, Subaru slowly crawled forward, as if afraid to ruin the moment with any sudden movement.
And then, he rested his head on Ram’s lap.
It was warm.
Despite the kimono that separated them, he could feel the heat radiating from her body. The gentle rise and fall of her breathing. The faint scent of soap still lingering on her skin.
Her fingers didn’t touch him, but they didn’t push him away either.
And in that silence, Subaru began to tremble.
Ram: Are you... crying?
There was no answer. Only a faint sob.
His tears started to wet the fabric of the kimono, and his shoulders shook with tightly held emotion.
Subaru: I’m sorry... Ram... I’m sorry... for everything. For what I did. For how I looked at you. For having... used you. Even though I didn’t want to. Even though... I tried to stop... it wasn’t enough... I’m sorry...
Ram didn’t respond. She slowly lowered one hand and let it rest on Subaru’s hair, without stroking it, just leaving it there. As if saying "I’m here" was enough.
Ram: You’re annoying when you cry.
Subaru: I know... I know...
Ram: But... Ram isn’t going to forgive you yet. Not that easily.
Subaru: ...That’s fine. I don’t want you to forgive me.
Ram: Then stop crying. Because if you keep crying... I might start feeling sorry for you.
That last line wasn’t said with disdain. It was more like a warning… to herself. As if she feared that her heart, the one that had used hatred as an excuse to keep breathing, might start betraying her.
The room fell silent again.
But this time, it was a different silence. One that didn’t weigh heavy. One that simply… allowed them to be there.
▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔
Subaru’s breathing grew deeper and slower as the minutes passed. The warmth of his tears had already faded, and his body, once stiff and trembling like a branch whipped by the wind, now lay asleep. His face, slightly tilted to one side, had lost all the tension it always carried—the tension of the monster who forced himself to walk on blades without ever allowing himself to fall—and for the first time in a long time, his frown had softened, as if the pain of the world, at least for this night, could be forgotten.
Ram slowly lowered her gaze, feeling the subtle weight of his breath against her stomach. Each warm exhale that brushed her skin reminded her that he was there, asleep… trusting.
The orange scarf still hung around his neck, falling like a lazy snake over his legs. Its frayed threads brushed against the black fabric of the kimono, which slipped off his shoulder with every slight movement, as if even the clothes he lent him refused to fit his body. It was too big, awkward… ridiculous. But there was something in that that made her chest ache.
Ram -thought-: When was the last time I saw him like this... so... unarmed?
It wasn’t the face of a monster.
It was that of a child.
One who had cried to the depths of his soul, silently begging for a comfort he didn’t even know if he deserved. One who had surrendered, exhausted, into the legs of a woman he had wounded in body and spirit... and who, nonetheless, now offered him shelter.
Ram raised her hand, trembling in her fingers in a way that surprised even herself, and placed it on his dark hair. She stroked it with an almost reverent slowness. Between each lock, between each strand, she felt the weariness he carried, the guilt, the invisible scars.
Soft. A little tangled. Warm.
And then, she felt it. A clumsy, contradictory mixture, dancing between tenderness, pity, anger... and something deeper.
Ram -thought-: Look at you, ending up like this... sleeping in the lap of the woman you almost destroyed. What kind of idiot are you, Barusu?
The second caress was slower, more intimate. But no longer with tenderness... rather with doubt.
A doubt that hurt.
Ram -thought-: I don’t want to forgive you. But I also don’t want you to die. I don’t want to see you suffer... and yet, I don’t want to forget it either. What is this... Barusu? Do I hate you? Do I love you? Or is it simply that my heart hasn’t stopped searching for Rem... even when your eyes aren’t hers?
Her fingers paused for a moment on his forehead. She looked at him.
So calm. So unaware of the chaos he left behind when awake.
Her breathing matched his, and for a fleeting, cruel instant, she thought she heard a barely audible whisper... a voice muffled by time.
『Take care of him, sister.』
The thought pierced her chest like a cold needle. She didn’t know if it was real, if it was an echo of her guilt, or if it was simply what she wanted to hear.
But whatever it was… it hurt.
Ram -thought-: Sleeping like this… as if you were a lost child. How are you still alive after so many times?
She leaned in with an almost painful slowness, brushing her forehead against Subaru’s messy hair. She closed her eyes. She inhaled his scent.
She didn’t kiss him.
She said nothing.
She just stayed there, still.
Ram -thought-: So asleep. So broken. So… much like her.
Because yes. There was something in that sleeping face, in the way his frown relaxed, in how his lips parted with innocence… that reminded her so much of Rem, that for a moment, her heart shattered into a thousand pieces.
Ram -thought-: You look like her when she sleeps. Like Rem, who used to hold my hand at night, worried about her nightmares.
A tear silently rolled down her cheek, like a mute confession she didn’t dare voice aloud.
And Ram didn’t wipe it away.
She simply stayed there, motionless, allowing the boy she both hated and loved to rest… even if just for one night stolen from time.
Because she knew that when the sun fully rose, everything would return to its place.
The masks. The decisions. The hell.
But for now…
…for now, it was just her.
And him.
Sleeping.
As if the world outside that room wasn’t falling apart.
(Short story)
Rain
The rain wouldn’t stop.
The drops hit the dirty ground insistently, as if trying to wash away something that was already too stained. Streetlights reflected in the puddles, distorted, cold.
A boy walked under a transparent umbrella. The orange scarf he wore seemed like the only thing with a hint of life in that sleeping city. His pace was slow but steady. As if he weren’t in a hurry to get anywhere.
When he turned into one of the alleys, he stopped.
There was a man there, sitting against the damp wall. His shirt was open, and a poorly closed wound stained his side. His eyes were half-shut, hair stuck to his face from the rain. In his fingers, he held an unlit cigarette.
The boy said nothing. He just watched from the alley’s entrance.
The man lifted his head with effort and looked at him.
—What’s a brat like you doing around here?— he asked in a hoarse voice, as if he were speaking more out of habit than curiosity.
The boy took a few steps forward, not lowering the umbrella.
—I’m not a brat,— he replied without changing his tone.
—Tsk.— The man gave a faint, crooked smile. —Then you’re just an idiot for walking alone in a place like this.
The boy looked at him calmly.
—You’re alone too. And you look worse.
The man let out a short, dry laugh.
—You're right.
He brought the cigarette to his lips and tried to light it with an old lighter. The spark came, but no flame. He cursed under his breath. The rain was relentless.
The boy stayed silent for a few seconds, then moved forward. He stopped in front of the man and raised the umbrella over both of them. With his other hand, he pulled out his own lighter.
Without a word, he lit the cigarette for him.
The man inhaled deeply. Exhaled slowly.
—You here to save me or laugh at me?
—Neither,— the boy said. —I want you to work for me.
The man looked at him, the cigarette hanging from his lips.
—Huh?
—That. Work for me,— he repeated calmly.
—And what makes you think I’m good for anything?— the man asked, letting out a low chuckle.
—I don’t know,— the boy admitted. —But I don’t have anyone else.
The man lowered his gaze. Stayed still for a few seconds.
—You’ve got guts, I’ll give you that.
The boy took a step back.
—So?
—Alright,— the man said, standing up with effort. —But I need to know the name of the idiot hiring me in the rain.
—Subaru.
The man nodded with an almost amused expression.
—Halibel.
The two of them stood under the umbrella for a moment, in silence.
The city kept raining. But at least, for now, they weren’t alone.
Chapter 6: Purger king
Chapter Text
Subaru slowly opened his eyes, his eyelids heavy from the emotional exhaustion that still lingered in his body. His vision was blurry at first, as if the world itself still hesitated to welcome him back. But soon, through the shadows of the room and the faint morning light slipping through the crack in the window, Ram’s figure became clear before him.
She was right above him, asleep, her calm breathing brushing against his face with each exhale. He was still on her lap. He could still feel her warmth.
Subaru didn’t dare to move. He just watched her. Every detail of her face, every pink strand of hair that gently fell over her cheek. He wanted to burn that moment into his memory, as if it could protect him from the pain that awaited outside that room. He let out a brief sigh, almost inaudible, but enough for the oni’s sensitive ears to catch.
Ram slowly opened her eyes. Her lashes fluttered for a second before lifting to reveal her pink pupils. The first thing she saw was Subaru, with half-closed eyes and an expression so relaxed he looked like a child who had fallen asleep in the arms of someone he completely trusted.
Her expression twisted slightly. Not because it bothered her... or at least, she didn’t want to admit it didn’t bother her. She murmured in a soft voice, though it carried that typical irritation of hers.
Ram: Barusu...
Subaru fully opened his eyes, still with that haze of peace in his gaze.
Subaru: Huh...? R-Ram...
Ram: Were you taking advantage of my vulnerable state to relax?
Her tone was dry, almost accusatory, but Subaru noticed there was no real anger behind her words. Before he could even think of a response, Ram suddenly sat up, causing his head to fall abruptly.
Subaru: Ah...
The blow didn’t hurt as much as the loss of that warmth.
Ram: Don’t think that just because I let you sleep on my lap I’ve accepted anything. I still have plenty of reasons to kill you, so don’t get the wrong idea.
Subaru: It’s fine... I wasn’t getting the wrong idea. I just... just wanted to be a little closer to you.
His words came out with such plain sincerity that even Ram was forced to avert her gaze for a moment. The silence between them stretched for just a couple of seconds before she spoke again.
Ram: Don’t say it like that. You make Ram feel uncomfortable just looking at you.
Subaru: I’m sorry... that wasn’t my intention. I just thought... I wouldn’t get a moment like this with you again. So, for just a moment... I wanted to believe that everything was okay.
Ram: Hmph. As delusional as ever. Although...
She stopped. She wanted to say something more, but swallowed it with elegance. Subaru looked up, noticing that Ram was gently touching the spot on her lap where his head had rested.
Ram: Although... it wasn’t entirely unpleasant.
It was barely a whisper, so soft it was as if she hadn’t said it at all. But Subaru heard it. He didn’t reply—he couldn’t. He just lowered his head and smiled to himself, as if those few words had the power to lift part of the burden still weighing him down.
Then, as that moment of fragile intimacy dissolved into the air like the smoke of a snuffed-out candle, soft, rhythmic knocks echoed on the room’s door.
Subaru stood up slowly, still feeling the warmth of Ram on his cheek. He walked to the door without urgency, and when he opened it, he was met by the imposing figure of Halibel. In his arms, he held a small bundle of neatly folded clothes.
Halibel: I brought what you asked for, Su-san. It’s the most decent I could find nearby... but seeing Ram-san, I have no doubt it’ll fit her perfectly.
His voice, deep and calm, seemed to carry the night breeze with it. Subaru reached out and took the clothes without saying anything at first. He just held them for a few seconds, lowering his gaze slightly.
Subaru: ...Thank you, Halibel-san.
Halibel raised an eyebrow. He had heard that word many times before—almost like an automatic phrase Subaru used to end conversations or dodge emotions. But this time... that "thank you" had weight. A different note—softer and more genuine. As if those few letters were the surface of something much deeper.
Halibel: Don’t worry. After all, I also have to take the blame for barging into your room without warning. It was inconsiderate... even for someone like me.
His tone wasn’t apologetic, but rather one of acknowledgment. Like someone admitting to having disturbed something they didn’t fully understand, but instinctively knew was important. Then, his gaze subtly drifted toward the interior of the room, catching sight of Ram standing with her back turned, as if she wasn’t paying attention to the conversation. But even from the doorway, Halibel could notice the slight stiffness in her shoulders. It wasn’t indifference. It was something more akin to discomfort... or restraint.
Halibel -with a half-smile-: I’ll stay nearby, in case you need anything else. I’m in no hurry... but you two seem to have more pressing matters to deal with.
Without saying anything more, Halibel walked away with the same calm with which he had arrived, leaving Subaru alone again at the doorway, with the clothes in his hands and the echo of a simple interaction that, nonetheless, seemed to have stirred something within him.
He softly closed the door to the room, leaving behind Halibel’s silhouette and the silence of the hallway. As he turned around, his eyes met Ram’s figure. She stood with her arms crossed, eyeing him with curiosity as she looked at the clothes Subaru still held—neatly folded.
Subaru: Ram... would you try this on? I know it’s kind of embarrassing to ask like this, hehe...
He tried to hide the tension in his voice with an awkward laugh, lowering his gaze for a moment, as if avoiding Ram’s eyes could also keep the blush on his cheeks at bay.
Ram: Mmm... fine.
She answered in a dry tone, though without a trace of mockery. She stepped toward him and took the clothes gently. She examined the outfit for a few seconds, then raised an eyebrow with a haughty expression.
Ram: So, what are you waiting for? Don’t think someone like me is going to change in front of you.
Subaru: Ah, right! Sorry, sorry... I didn’t mean to be disrespectful.
He immediately turned around, his back now to her. He could hear the soft rustling of fabric mixing with the sound of her light footsteps. The silence that enveloped them made every small motion feel more intense, more present.
▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔
A few minutes passed, though to Subaru they felt much longer. His mind, as usual, began imagining things—overthinking every word, every glance.
Ram: You can turn around now.
Her voice sounded calm, unembellished, but there was a subtlety in it that was hard to ignore. Subaru turned slowly, and for a moment, his eyes opened wider than usual.
Ram stood before him, dressed in a white kimono that glowed softly under the faint light filtering in. The fabric had delicate pink hues that stretched like gentle brushstrokes from the sleeves to the edges. Around her waist, a large pink sash was tied with elegance, forming a bow that rested on her back like a carefully sculpted flower.
Subaru was left speechless. The sight of Ram—always so sharp and composed—now wrapped in that garment, gave him a strange feeling: it wasn’t just beauty he saw... but also fragility, and a warmth he didn’t dare to define.
Subaru: ...You look incredible, Ram.
Ram: Hmph, obviously. I wouldn’t expect anything less from myself.
She replied with a proud smirk, but her cheeks were a little pinker than usual. She crossed her arms and looked away with a barely audible sigh.
Ram: If you keep looking at me like that, I’ll regret not knocking you out before I changed.
Subaru: I-I’m sorry, I’m sorry! It’s just... you really do look beautiful.
Ram didn’t respond. Her silence was heavier than any words, and yet, she didn’t step back. She didn’t deny anything. She only lowered her head slightly, as if what she had heard stirred something in her that she didn’t want to show.
That moment was, for Subaru, a breath amid suffocation. A brief parenthesis in which, for one almost unreal instant, he could stop being the King of the Purge... and simply feel like Natsuki Subaru.
There was no calculation, no fear, no mistrust. Only the soft warmth of the room, the reflection of Ram’s kimono, and that awkward yet genuine silence between two people who still didn’t know how to handle what they felt.
But as if reality itself had pulled an invisible string, Subaru felt his chest tighten once again, reminding him he couldn’t stay in that little haven. Not while threats remained unchecked, decisions yet to be made... and a Pandemonium that could consume everything with a single misstep.
A shadow of seriousness crossed his face. His shoulders straightened slightly, and his tone shifted—not harsh or distant, but firmer, more like the leader everyone looked up to.
Subaru: I have to go now. There are things I need to take care of outside, duties that can’t wait.
He didn’t seek her gaze, afraid he might see disappointment there. He simply let the words hang between them, carrying just enough weight.
Subaru: If you want, you can stay in the room. When breakfast is ready, I’ll bring it to you myself. But please... don’t leave this place.
He turned toward the door, but before opening it, he added in a low voice, almost with a sincerity that seemed to cost him something:
Subaru: Just ask me for anything within my reach... and I’ll give it to you.
Ram didn’t answer right away. She watched him from behind, as if trying to read in his back how much that boy—who even now still seemed vulnerable despite all the power he claimed to carry—was hiding from her.
What Subaru couldn’t see was that, after that silence, Ram gently lowered her gaze to the floor, her fingers slowly brushing the edge of the kimono.
Ram: ...Then don’t take too long. Because if you do, Ram might just do exactly what you asked her not to.
It wasn’t a threat. Nor was it a warning. It sounded more like... a promise that was hard to interpret. A way to remind him that she wasn’t just a prisoner, or a spectator. That she was still Ram. And that if Subaru wanted to protect her, he would also have to earn the right to keep her there.
He nodded once, without looking back, and opened the door with his expression already hardened. The King of the Purge had returned.
But deep down, Natsuki subaru still longed to go back to that moment... where he was just himself, and Ram.
▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔
Subaru walked through the corridors of Pandemonium. His stride was steady, unshakable, marked by the confidence that only the King of the Purge could project. Each step echoed like a silent declaration: he was ready for whatever was to come.
After the last loop, he had resolved the issue with Frederica, who, in a moment of desperation, had sent the location of Pandemonium—along with news of the Marquis’s assassination—to the Kingdom of Lugunica. It was a dangerous move, but it had been corrected. Now, only one loose end remained: Otto Suwen.
In that loop, Otto had been sent by the Kingdom as an infiltrator. Under the guise of a well-meaning merchant, he had managed to approach the King of the Purge with tempting proposals: access to a network of magic stones. Stones that, for Subaru, represented something far more important than a mere source of power—they were essential for channeling the prana Ram needed to stay alive.
The way Otto spoke, his precision in choosing every word, his ability to anticipate responses... He was no ordinary man. He was charismatic, sharp, and deeply calculating. Subaru had been genuinely impressed by him. Unfortunately, that was precisely what led him to make a mistake.
Otto had been nothing but a distraction.
While he spoke and presented well-prepared commercial documents, Reinhard van Astrea, the Sword Saint, had managed to slip into the meeting undetected. The trap had been perfect. And although Subaru didn’t initially feel offended by the betrayal—in fact, he found a certain humor in the play—the stab Otto delivered minutes later... that had truly ignited his fury.
But he couldn’t let anger cloud his judgment. Not now.
Otto Suwen... was raw talent. A valuable asset. A weapon disguised as a diplomat.
In just a few hours, along with his master Russell Fellow, Otto would close a deal with key political figures to place their best man—Otto—within Pandemonium, disguised as a simple merchant. Though it was also possible the plan would never materialize. This time, there wasn’t enough evidence to justify a direct offensive against Subaru. Except, of course, for his murders... but the Kingdom’s politicians had never been moved by that. If Marquis Roswaal had been the target, they would have acted immediately. But this time, thanks to the letter Frederica never managed to send, the scenario was different. Quiet. Fragile.
Setting that aside, Subaru returned to thinking about Otto’s maneuver. It hadn’t been a simple distraction. The most impressive part… was that it worked. He hadn’t detected Reinhard’s entry until it was already too late.
Had he known in advance about the Sword Saint’s infiltration, he would have maneuvered politically to take him out of the game. And if that failed... there was always the darker path: blackmail, threats, hostages. Cruel methods, but effective. Methods Subaru no longer feared to use.
Otto was no longer an enemy. He was a treasure. An undeniable asset.
And Subaru wanted that treasure in his hands. He might have to negotiate directly with Russell Fellow... but he knew it wouldn’t be simple. It would be anything but easy to snatch that pawn from a monster disguised as a businessman.
He had already planned it, so taking advantage of yesterday’s moment—after Cecilus and Halibel entered his room and cleared up the matter of the aphrodisiac—he set his plan into motion.
▂▂▂▂▂Memory▂▂▂▂▂
Subaru – memory: Cecilus-san... you know you made a mistake with the aphrodisiac.
A second of silence.
Subaru – memory: And mistakes, as you should well know... are never free. They always carry consequences.
Cecilus tilted his head with a calm smile, as if the implied threat slid right off him—or worse, amused him.
Cecilus – memory: If it’s about that, I’ll gladly accept it, boss. Just tell me who I need to... kill.
Subaru – memory: Not yet. This time, I don’t want a corpse. Not just yet.
The air grew thick, as if the walls themselves tensed at the sound.
Subaru – memory: There’s a man. Otto Suwen. He’s on the outskirts of the royal capital of Lugunica. To the world, he’s just a simple merchant... but I don’t see things that way.
Cecilus narrowed his eyes, as if sharpening his perception.
Subaru – memory: I want you to deliver a letter to him. Tell him it’s a business proposal addressed to his master.
Cecilus – memory: A delivery, huh...? I’d rather cut something with my katanas, but if that’s what you want, boss... then I’ll deliver that letter.
Subaru – memory: It’s on the desk in my office. I know you’ll do it right.
Cecilus turned around without losing his smile. His silhouette faded into the corridors, like a shadow with no master.
Night wrapped the place once more. Only the distant sound of insects and wind brushing against the stone filled the silence.
Halibel and Subaru remained motionless under the white gaze of the moon.
Halibel – memory: Su-san... are you sure it was a good idea to send Ce-san? I could’ve done it too. These types of missions are my specialty.
Subaru – memory: I know, Halibel-san. But this time, it’s not about precision. It’s about pressure.
His gaze remained fixed on the window. His reflection, distorted by the glass, looked like that of a man carrying far too many shadows.
Subaru – memory: I need Otto to understand... this is not an invitation. It’s an order. And Cecilus-san doesn’t ask twice. He doesn’t negotiate. He imposes.
A long pause.
Then, barely audible, almost like a whisper to himself:
Subaru – memory: Diamonds... only reveal their true worth when struck with the right force.
▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂
Finally, Subaru returned to the present.
His steps came to a sudden halt, as if his body were reminding him that there was a deeper reason behind every step, behind every bloodstained decision, behind every command he gave without hesitation.
All of this... he did for her.
For Ram.
To keep her safe. To protect her life, her existence, her breath. So that nothing would ever happen to her. So that she would never again vanish before his eyes.
Everything had been for her. Only for her.
And if, to achieve that, he had to keep walking a path covered in corpses, if he had to swallow his pride, his emotions, his very humanity... then so be it.
Subaru Natsuki —not the cowardly boy from another time, but the King of the Purge— would keep moving forward.
He would do what was necessary.
The unthinkable.
The unforgivable.
Even if, at the end of that path, nothing awaited him but a bottomless abyss.
Even if saving her meant drowning in it... with no escape, no redemption.
Because as long as she lived,
as long as her eyes still held the color he loved so much...
then it was worth it.
『Subaru: Even if my hands are stained black... even if the others call me a monster... as long as you're alive, that'll be enough for me.』
He clenched his fists tightly, his knuckles turning pale.
The echo of his footsteps surrounded him once more. The Pandemonium was silent, but his mind was a whirlwind.
He didn’t want to admit it, but every time he thought of her... he also remembered her voice telling him she hated him. That she loved him.
Both burned him the same.
Both were real.
Both were his curse.
And yet, his heart clung to that contradiction.
Subaru -thought-: If I have to die again... if I have to destroy my soul over and over... then so be it. Because only I can carry this burden.
He took a breath and kept walking, as if by doing so he could bury the guilt, the screams, the memories.
Each step grew firmer.
Each step, colder.
The King of the Purge walked again.
▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔
Outside Subaru’s room, the door creaked open just a little, barely audible, as if even it resisted breaking the silence of the place. Through the crack, a strand of pink hair slowly appeared, followed by Ram’s face, her eyes half-closed as she scanned the hallways with the caution of a feline.
Her pupils traced every visible corner, making sure no one was nearby. Only when she was convinced of it did she slide her body out with smooth, careful movements, closing the door behind her with a calmness that barely stirred a whisper in the air.
The atmosphere of the Pandemonium was soaked in a thick, almost unnatural calm. That stone and shadow corridor wasn’t particularly dirty or worn down, but it had a certain... eerie quality. As if something invisible whispered between the walls, something that filled the air with an oppressive presence. Still, Ram did not stop.
Her bare feet barely made a sound on the carpet, and her posture held that mix of restrained elegance and distrust. She moved as if she could be caught at any moment. Although her magic flowed again in her fingers, and her bindings had been removed, she didn’t feel free... but uncertain.
Ram let out a brief, almost imperceptible sigh and stopped abruptly at a fork in the hallway. She raised a hand and gently placed it on a stone column, closing her eyes for a second. It was not exhaustion, but calculation.
The reason for her silent escape wasn’t rebellion, nor even idle curiosity. It was a mix of doubt and need. Subaru had expressly asked her to stay in her room, in that corner that had been her prison. But she was not a doll to be kept locked away.
She couldn’t stop thinking about him... about the things he said, the words he whispered almost unintentionally every time he sat beside her.
“I’m a monster.”
“My hands can’t save anyone anymore.”
“Only you still look at me…”
Words like daggers that Ram still didn’t fully understand, but that pierced her chest all the same.
Now that her chains were gone — at least the physical ones — she wanted to understand. Not just what Subaru had done... but what he had become.
And why, even in that transformation, he kept searching only for her.
With her fingers caressing the wall, Ram resumed walking, stepping into uncertainty with determined strides.
What she knew for now was that Frederica accompanied Subaru, since it was something he himself had confirmed quite a while ago.
Not long ago, Ram simply refused to take a bite of any meal Subaru prepared for her. She couldn’t bear the idea that he was the one feeding her, as if that were yet another chain. And although the food came from others, it was not enough to calm her spirit. She did not trust. However, on one occasion, Subaru mentioned that this particular meal had been prepared by a woman named Frederica. At that moment, her eyes widened in surprise.
She knew her. That woman was the one who, during her childhood, taught her and Rem to fulfill their duties in the Roswaal mansion. If that was true... then Frederica must be here, in this place, whether by her own will or not.
Ram narrowed her eyes, her steps softly echoing on the polished stone of the corridor as her fingers brushed the walls. The air was cold, somewhat dense, as if breathing a frozen past. She let her hand fall, and moved forward in silence.
The other clue was more subtle, but no less relevant: Subaru had enough purchasing power to supply himself with magical stones, necessary for her prana infusions. It wasn’t something just anyone could do. Such power didn’t come from nowhere. Subaru wasn’t wealthy… not in the days she knew him. So, where did his new wealth come from?
And finally, the most recent: the two figures she saw enter Subaru’s room just a few hours ago.
The demi-human… tall, imposing, with that serene air only those accustomed to the edge of death know how to maintain. She brought two fingers to her chin, thoughtful. She had heard of someone like that in talks, rumors, and documents when she worked as a maid.
Ram: Halibel… the Admirer.
One of the strongest citizens in all of Kararagi. His mere mention inspired respect even in the most distant places. If it was him, then there was no doubt his power was not something to be taken lightly.
But the question wasn’t who he was… but why he was with Subaru.
Ram: What did you do, Barusu…? What did you do to make someone like him stay by your side?
And then, her thoughts changed course, focusing on the second figure. The blue-haired boy, walking casually but agilely, as if the world itself didn’t affect him.
Ram: Cecilus Segmunt… the Blue Lightning of Vollachia.
She had heard that name. No one could talk about the Divine Generals without mentioning him. A madman, a genius, a demon in human form, they said. If that was him… then what Subaru had in his hands was more than just a simple hideout.
Ram: What is your relationship with them… Barusu?
Halibel, Cecilus… titanic forces of their respective nations. It wasn’t a coincidence. It couldn’t be. All linked, united by a figure who until recently was nothing more than a crying child trapped in her lap…
…an idiot who broke in front of her…
…and who, painfully, took her virginity.
Ram: You’re an idiot… Barusu. A dangerously foolish idiot.
She closed her eyes again. This time, she would use her clairvoyance to see the place through other eyes, to slip through shadows that were not hers, to observe from corners where her body couldn’t reach. But just as she was about to do it, a voice echoed behind her.
???: Ram-san.
Her muscles reacted before her mind. In an automatic movement, she spun around alert, prepared for the unknown. However, when her gaze fully captured the figure in front of her… she froze.
A tall, imposing silhouette, with an elegant bearing despite his unusual appearance.
Ram: Halibel…
Halibel: Well, it seems Su-san already told you about me. Nice to meet you, Ram-san.
With that statement, Ram’s doubts dissolved like mist at dawn. It was him. The calm voice, the serene composure. No mistake.
Ram: So you are Halibel-sama?
Halibel: You can just call me Halibel. I don’t need honorifics if it’s about someone special to Su-san. And well, it’s a pleasure to see you here. Do you need anything?
Ram: No, I was just exploring this place. It’s my first time here.
Halibel: I see… that makes sense. Yesterday was the first time I saw you here, and well… I also want to apologize for interrupting that moment between you and—
Ram: Don’t continue, please. I don’t want to be reminded.
Her cheeks flushed lightly, barely a hint that broke her usual coldness. Halibel, noticing the sign with the same calm with which he smokes his kiseru, bowed slightly.
Halibel: Alright. Sorry for speaking so recklessly.
Ram: Don’t worry, it wasn’t much. Actually, he didn’t tell me about you… I just guessed. Your features and behavior are just like the “Admirer,” aren’t they?
Halibel: You’re not wrong… although I haven’t heard that nickname in a while.
The kiseru smoke formed lazy spirals around him. His voice, as always, was deep but calm, without tension, as if he were speaking to an old friend on a leisurely afternoon.
Ram: Some things aren’t forgotten. And you have a pretty distinct presence… too calm for someone with so many rumors around.
Halibel: Hm? Too calm? Could be… though you don’t seem much different. You don’t sound like a prisoner, but neither like someone here by choice.
Ram: Quite an observation. Do you think I’m a threat?
Halibel: To Su-san… no. If you were, I wouldn’t be this calm. I was just wondering what kind of connection there is between you two. It doesn’t seem ordinary.
Ram clicked her tongue softly and looked away, as if wanting to end that line of conversation.
Ram: There’s nothing special. I’m not his friend, nor his companion, nor his servant. I’m just… here.
Halibel: Hm… I understand. Sometimes, that’s enough for someone to be important.
Ram: And what are you to him?
Halibel: Good question. I suppose a companion. I met him by chance, but decided to stay. Simply… because I felt I should.
Ram: You sound like a loyal dog.
Halibel -laughs softly-: Could be. Although I’d say more like… an old wolf who finds something interesting and decides to watch a little longer.
Ram: You have a strange way of speaking. Are you always like this?
Halibel: Only when there’s time. I like talking to people who don’t try to impose an answer… and you seem like someone who holds back more than she says.
Ram: I’m not a fan of telling stories, that’s all.
Halibel: Then I won’t insist. But if you ever decide to talk, I promise I’ll listen with the same calm I listen to the wind.
Ram raised an eyebrow. The way he spoke was as strange as it was natural. It didn’t bother her, but she didn’t know how to respond to that style so… poetic?
Ram: I warn you, I might bite if you bore me.
Halibel: Oh, I don’t doubt it. But even a bite from you sounds more honest than many words.
▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔
Silence accompanied them for a while, as if the stone walls respected the slow rhythm of their conversation. Ram walked beside Halibel, and although she wouldn’t admit it out loud, she found it comfortable. There was something in that serenity, in the way he exhaled kiseru smoke with indifference, that vaguely reminded her of something. As if she were next to someone who could read the atmosphere without ruining it with unnecessary words.
Finally, without looking at him directly, she asked in a neutral voice:
Ram: And you...? What kind of relationship do you have with Barusu?
Halibel didn’t answer immediately. His steps stopped by a column, and there he leaned his back with lazy elegance. He looked up at the vaulted ceiling as if he could see beyond the stone.
Halibel: Some time ago... in a corner of Kararagi, a little disaster happened. It wasn’t something an army or a contract could fix... It was an incident involving the Four Great Spirits.
Ram frowned. Her sharp mind quickly grasped the weight of what she had just heard.
Ram: The Four Great...? That’s impossible. Not even Roswaal... not even the kingdom’s sages...
Halibel -smiles, not mockingly-: And yet, it was Su-san who took care of it. Of course, I won’t say he fought them or defeated them... It wasn’t aggressive. At least, it didn’t end up being. But if you ask me how he did it, I couldn’t explain it well either. That guy has... a very unique way of handling things.
Ram fell silent. She wanted to contradict him, say it was an exaggeration, a story embellished, but the words wouldn’t come. Memories started to surface in her mind.
That look...
That inexplicable expression...
When he suddenly opened his eyes, as if the world was collapsing on him.
When he murmured her name in broken whispers...
As if he had lost her in a nightmare only he remembered.
Once, even, his body shook before running to her and hugging her, though she didn’t understand why. He said she was alive. That this time he had succeeded. That this time...
Ram: ...Idiot.
She said it quietly, barely a breath. But Halibel heard her.
Halibel: Hmmm?
Ram: Nothing. I just... remembered a few things. I guess you see him as someone wise. But for me... he’s still an idiot. A crybaby, reckless and... annoying.
Halibel -smiles softly-: Well, I won’t argue that. Although I will say he has a peculiarity. His strange predictions... often sound absurd at first. But most of the time, they end up being true.
She turned her face toward him, with a certain gesture of feigned annoyance.
Ram: Predictions?
Halibel: Yes. Sometimes he says things that don’t make sense. Or acts in ways you don’t understand until much later. Like he’s following an invisible map. A map only he can see.
She lowered her gaze. Silence returned, though now it had a different tension, as if a cold breeze had brushed the back of her neck.
Halibel: Tell me, Ram-san... don’t you feel something strange being near him? Doesn’t it bother you, the feeling of being... next to the King of the Purge?
The question fell like a stone into a pond. The echo of those words bounced violently in her mind.
Ram: King... of what?
Her brow immediately furrowed. She didn’t like titles. They were vanity, a way to dress people in robes that didn’t belong to them. But that... that was different.
Halibel looked at her, and for the first time, something changed in his face. It wasn’t fear, nor seriousness, nor worry. It was... genuine surprise.
『Halibel: You don’t know who the...?』
『...King of the Purge』
▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔
Chapter 7: Who are you really?
Chapter Text
『Ram: King of the Purge?』
The nickname sounded strong, almost imposing, depending on the context in which it was used. But the truth was, she had no idea what it actually referred to. Was it a title? A nickname given out of respect... or fear? She couldn't reach a conclusion yet. All she could do for now was store the name in her memory and wait to get more information—probably from Halibel.
Halibel: Seems like you really don't know...
His voice sounded calm, as always. However, on his usually serene face appeared a faint shadow of surprise. It was so subtle that someone less observant would have never noticed it.
What had surprised Halibel wasn't simply Ram's ignorance, but the fact that someone so close to Subaru—at least in appearance—didn't know something as basic as that nickname. Because, although Ram had made it clear that she didn't share a romantic, friendly, or servant relationship with Subaru, Halibel had seen something else. Something deeper that didn't require labels.
As he stared at her, his narrowed eyes missed no detail of the young woman in front of him. He thought, letting the smoke from his kiseru drift slowly from his lips:
Halibel -thought-: Su-san... This time, I really don't have much of an idea what you're planning. Who is she to you? Beyond everything, it seems like you genuinely love her.
A faint, barely curved smile formed on his face. It wasn't mockery or irony. It was the natural reaction of someone who had seen part of the truth and still chose not to force the rest of the puzzle together.
The gentle trail of smoke didn't go unnoticed by Ram, who narrowed her eyes slightly, suspicious.
Ram: Why are you smiling?
Halibel: It's nothing. Right now, I'm looking for an answer to something... though I feel like maybe I shouldn't. Maybe it's better to just see what happens as time goes on.
Ram: I don't know what problems you're pondering.
Her tone sounded cold, almost indifferent, but Halibel wasn't fooled. There was a hint of irritation in her voice. Perhaps from feeling left out of a knowledge that everyone else seemed to share—except her.
Halibel let out a short, harmless laugh.
Halibel: Heh... It's nothing important. Or not yet.
Ram: I see... and it's not like I care too much about your personal life. What I really want to know is about that name, "King of the Purge," that you mentioned a moment ago.
Halibel: Mmm...
Halibel let out a small murmur as he ran the tip of his kiseru against his fangs. He lowered his gaze for a few seconds, as if searching for an answer on the ground, and then looked back up at Ram.
Halibel: It's something rather long to explain. And to be honest, I don't think I'm the right person to tell you.
Ram: The right person? —she raised an eyebrow, crossing her arms— I feel like there shouldn't need to be a "right" person just to talk about a name. It's not like it's a state secret.
It was logical, at least to her. A name, a nickname, shouldn't be something protected so fiercely. However, she had learned firsthand that Subaru didn't do things without a reason. If he hadn't spoken about it, there had to be some rationale. Even if she tried to guess it, she couldn't figure out what exactly went on in that unpredictable mind of his.
Halibel took one last drag from his kiseru before responding.
Halibel: I'm sorry, Ram-san. It's not something simple to say, nor easy to explain. I don't want to be the one to ruin whatever it is that Su-san might be planning to tell you himself.
The firmness in his words made it clear that he wouldn't change his mind, no matter how much Ram pushed. And in her own way, she understood.
Ram: So if I insist, you'd still refuse?
Halibel: Yes. I would, even if you gave me that reproachful look you seem about to make.
The comment drew a small snort from Ram—half exasperation, half resignation.
Ram: Fine. I'm not so stubborn as to push someone who clearly won't budge. That'd be a waste of time and energy.
Halibel: Heh... You really are straightforward, Ram-san. —He let out a brief, harmless laugh— Maybe that's one of the reasons Su-san appreciates you so much.
Ram: I don't need you to tell me reasons I already know.
Her reply sounded curt, but not entirely sharp. Halibel just tilted his head slightly, as if silently confirming that this upfront nature was, indeed, one of the things that made this pink-haired girl special.
The conversation lingered in the air a few moments longer, until Halibel, not wanting to force the atmosphere, bowed slightly as a sign of parting.
Halibel: I'm afraid I must take my leave. There are some things I need to take care of before they pile up. —He gave a small tap with the kiseru in his palm, as if reaffirming that he had to get going—. If at any point you don't understand something about this place, or, well... need help with anything, don't hesitate to find me. I'll try to assist you with whatever is in my power, Princess of Pandemonium.
Ram: Pandemonium? —she repeated the name with a hint of surprise and slight disdain— So this place has a name... I bet it was Barusu who had the brilliant idea to call it that.
Halibel -with a faint smile-: Yes, it was him who decided to nickname it that way. I think he thought it gave it a dramatic flair.
Ram: Dramatic, absurd, typical Barusu. —she sighed, brushing aside a strand of her pink hair with disinterest— Anyway, I'll keep exploring on my own. And if I need your help, don't worry, I'll come find you.
Halibel: That'll make things easier. Won't be too hard to find you if you get lost, he joked, before straightening up and starting to walk away, his calm footsteps echoing softly in the stone hallway.
Ram watched him as he walked away, his tall, relaxed figure fading down the corridor until Halibel finally disappeared around one of the corners.
Silence returned to the hallway.
Left alone in the long, quiet corridor, Ram let the echo of her own footsteps fade before slowly closing her eyes and sighing.
Now she had a new piece to the puzzle that was Subaru Natsuki.
The name Halibel had so casually dropped—King of the Purge—resonated in her mind like a distant bell, heavy with dark meanings she couldn't yet fully decipher.
Ram -thought-: What kind of story lies behind that name...? What did he do to earn it?
No matter how many times she went over it, all the meanings she managed to infer ended up pointing to something frightening.
Maybe he was feared for his strength, capable of annihilating anyone without effort.
Maybe it was his intelligence, cold and sharp like a blade.
Or maybe... it was because of his actions. Deeds so atrocious that people preferred to remember him as a monster rather than a man.
She then remembered—with a pang in her chest—those times when Subaru, in a low voice, almost as if he wanted to hide it even from himself, had called himself a monster.
At first, Ram had thought they were just empty words, echoes of a foolish insecurity. But now... she was beginning to suspect there might be more truth in that confession than she had been willing to accept.
Ram -thought-: Yes... You really might be a monster, Barusu.
But even if he was, even if the whole world saw him as a fearsome creature, to her he was nothing more than Subaru Natsuki.
The young man who, despite everything, had chosen to save her.
The man who, even if he carried sins on his shoulders that could never be redeemed, looked at her as if her existence actually meant something.
And even if her mind argued against it, her heart could no longer see him as a monster. No... not when she loved and hated him with everything that still remained of her broken self.
She placed a hand over her chest, closing her fingers tightly, as if trying to trap that feeling before it could escape. It was a fire that consumed her from within, with every breath.
The title didn't matter.
The sins Halibel didn't dare to tell her didn't matter.
The secrets, the silences, or that nickname burdened with so much weight—none of it mattered.
To her... Subaru was still Subaru.
That same strange boy who had shown up at the mansion without knowing how to behave, without understanding the place he had arrived in, speaking words that sounded like they came from a poorly told story. He hid away in the library, under Beatrice's watch, and didn't come out for days.
And when he finally did, it was to find Rem... dead.
Hours had already passed since her body had gone cold. Ram hadn't moved from her side. She couldn't. Not even when Roswaal tried gently to pull her away. She stayed there, holding Rem's hand in hers, staring at her, waiting for her to wake up as if it had all been just an illusion.
Then Subaru entered the room.
His steps froze when he saw the scene.
His face twisted.
And in silence, he walked toward the bed.
His hands trembled. He took a step, then another. He reached out toward Rem's body, as if not believing what he was seeing. As if he needed to touch her to understand.
But Ram immediately turned to him, her anger flaring.
Ram -memory-: Don't touch Rem... Don't touch my sister!
He froze, fingers suspended midair, paralyzed.
It was as if the world had stopped in that instant.
Roswaal watched in silence, while Ram stood between him and the bed.
The suspicion was already there, floating like an invisible shadow.
Why had he come out just now?
Why had he hidden all this time?
Why wasn't he saying anything?
Roswaal began to ask him questions.
Direct.
Measured.
Calculated.
Subaru only responded with evasions and clumsy denials. His voice trembled. His eyes wouldn't stay fixed on any one point. And everything about him screamed that he was hiding something.
Ram couldn't take it anymore.
Ram -memory-: If you know something, say it!
And without thinking, she unleashed a gust of wind. The spell sliced across Subaru's cheek, leaving a thin, bleeding cut.
He didn't defend himself. He simply lowered his head.
And when he looked up again... he tried to speak. But the words wouldn't come.
With no answers, Ram launched another gust of wind straight at Subaru—but Beatrice suddenly appeared in front of him, raising an invisible barrier.
Ram -memory-: Beatrice-sama...!?
The little girl said nothing at first. She just protected him. She defended him with her body and her magic. And then, in response to Roswaal's words, she made it clear that she wouldn't allow anyone to harm him.
Emilia, who had also been witnessing everything, stepped beside Subaru.
She, too, wanted answers.
She, too, wanted to understand.
But all she got was a whisper.
Subaru -memory-: I'm sorry... I'm sorry... —he repeated it, louder, as if punishing himself.
And then, without looking at anyone, he ran out of the room.
Everything exploded after that.
Roswaal unleashed his magic.
Beatrice responded.
Pandemonium didn't yet exist, but the seed had already been planted in Subaru's heart.
And Ram, as the walls trembled, could only scream with her soul shattered.
Ram -memory-: I'm going to kill you!
▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔
Ram blinked.
A moment had passed... or maybe several.
Her breathing was unsteady, though she hadn't noticed. The memories had tangled again, with that ease that only memory has when it hurts, and the heart refuses to let go of what once was.
Her hand was still pressed tightly against her chest.
As if she could hold something in.
As if that were enough to contain the chaos beginning to stir inside her.
『Ram: Stupid...』
She insulted herself in a whisper, though she didn't know whether it was for remembering... or for how that memory no longer filled her with rage, but with something else—twisted. Uncomfortable.
She had wanted to kill him. With every part of her being.
But now... now she wanted him to look at her. To say her name. To tell her everything.
And that was unforgivable. Not because of him. Because of her.
Ram: If everything I think about you is true... then why can't I hate you like I used to?
That nickname kept striking her mind like a stone thrown into a still pond: Purge King.
She didn't know what it meant, but she didn't need an explanation to feel that it brought nothing good. Something so heavy... so foreign. And yet, Subaru carried it in silence. As if he always had.
He had never told her anything. Never mentioned that name, never gave hints, never made excuses.
Was that why Halibel hesitated? Was that why he avoided telling her what he knew?
Or was it Subaru who had asked him not to speak?
She thought of his voice... of how she had heard him whisper names that weren't hers when he thought she was asleep. She thought of the way he never talked about his past, and even less about whatever had turned him into what he was now.
Ram: What are you hiding, Barusu?
It wasn't an accusation. Not even anger, this time. Just weariness.
The kind that comes from waiting for something that might never arrive.
And yet, despite all that—despite every sign, despite her reason still telling her not to trust—she knew:
If he was a monster... then she could no longer hate him.
Because deep down, she hated and loved him at the same time. With that part of her soul that couldn't decide which one to obey.
Ram: In the end, you're still you.
And perhaps, that was what hurt the most.
Unaware of her surroundings, still wrapped in the fragments of a past that wouldn't stop pulsing in her chest, Ram barely noticed the figure slowly emerging from a side hallway.
The other person froze on the spot, as if they'd just run into a memory they thought long buried.
And then, their eyes met.
The air seemed to freeze.
A look of disbelief crossed Ram's face, as though the thread connecting her thoughts had snapped all at once.
Ram: ...Frederica.
The name slipped from her lips in a neutral tone, but inside, a sudden jolt twisted her stomach.
The figure before her widened her eyes in astonishment.
Frederica: R-Ram... it can't be...
▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔
In another corner of the Pandemonium, away from the hallways and the echoes that memories left on its stone, Subaru was locked in a modest office. In front of him, a pile of papers awaited his review. Reports, records, requests, accounts... all those things a leader had to manage, even if his heart was absent.
The scratch of the pen writing was the only sound accompanying him, along with the distant murmur of the Pandemonium breathing through its walls.
But his mind was not there.
Every word written, every number calculated, every signature stamped... he did it all with only one thought hammering at his chest: Ram.
He wanted to see her.
He wanted her to open the door with that indifferent expression that made him feel like a scolded child.
He wanted her to speak to him without sweetness, without comfort, with that disdain so hers, as if he meant nothing... even though deep down, he knew that was no longer true.
He wanted to hold her without having to pretend to be strong.
But he couldn't. Not yet.
He had to stay there.
Signing. Calculating. Caring.
Because all of this... all that administrative chaos, that hidden place in the world, those walls that seemed like a prison disguised as a fortress... it was for her.
With the money he got, with the connections he forged, he could obtain the prana stones that kept her body beating. Without them, her flame would extinguish slowly and silently, as he had seen happen too many times.
Too many times.
At first, he didn't understand why it happened.
She was there, alive, but one day he would go see her and find her motionless, without pulse, without response... as if she had simply decided to disappear.
And he... took his own life.
Over and over again.
Desperate. Broken. Empty.
Until he understood.
Ram was an Oni.
An almost extinct race, powerful, marked by their strength and endurance. But that strength didn't come from nowhere.
Oni needed prana. Not just to fight. To live.
And that prana came from their horns.
Ram only had one.
One that no longer existed.
It had been ripped from her long ago, far too long ago.
And now, without her horn, her life hung by an invisible thread that Subaru had to hold with trembling hands.
Every prana transfusion she received, every stone placed on her forehead, was one more day he stole from death.
Did he do it to protect her?
Or did he do it out of fear of losing her again?
He no longer knew if it was for her...
...or for himself.
Because maybe, just maybe, this cage he had built to protect her was also the only way he had not to collapse completely.
Because when she died... his world died too.
He sighed. A dull, dragged sound, as if the air he exhaled was soaked with something heavier than fatigue itself: regrets, longings, guilt... all mixed in a single breath.
Subaru: It's better if I keep going...
He curled his fingers around the pen until it creaked faintly between them. The paper beneath his hand was already marked by sweat. From the outside, it looked like just the gesture of someone overwhelmed by work. But inside, his stomach churned as if something was about to explode.
He slowly lifted his gaze. The grayish ceiling of the office seemed increasingly distant, as if the world was starting to drift away from him, centimeter by centimeter. Behind him, sunlight filtered through the panes of a tall window, casting an oblique shadow that split the desk in two halves: one bathed in the golden warmth of the day, and the other buried in shadow.
He was right in between them.
Then, a soft tapping — almost timid, like a visitor who doesn't want to bother — echoed on the door. Subaru didn't respond immediately. He stayed silent for a few seconds, as if he had forgotten he was still in this place, trapped between administrative decisions and personal ghosts.
Subaru: Come in...
The door opened without hurry. It didn't creak, didn't tremble. It just slid obediently, giving way to a tall figure, walking silently with eyes half-closed as if seeing the world through a constant haze. Halibel took two steps and stopped, watching the ceiling Subaru still seemed to be staring at.
Halibel: Is something wrong?
The wolf's voice was calm, with no intention to intrude. But that very calmness was sometimes what made Subaru feel everything inside him tremble even harder.
Subaru: No... it's nothing, really. I'm just... a little exhausted. —he shrugged slightly, trying to lighten his words— I didn't sleep well last night. Actually, I barely slept at all.
Halibel: Mm. Not surprised. You're letting this consume you. If you keep going like this, you'll collapse before any external threat does.
Subaru: I know what I'm doing. I can't afford to stop now.
His tone was dry, almost impatient, but more than towards Halibel, he seemed to be speaking to himself. As if repeating an order he had carved into his mind long ago.
Halibel: I just came to see how you were. I got bored wandering aimlessly... until I ran into Ram-san.
The mention of the name stopped time.
It wasn't immediate. Subaru's brain needed a couple of seconds to process it, as if it couldn't accept that those two syllables were real and not a product of his imagination.
Subaru: ...What did you say?
His voice was no more than a whisper. But he was already sitting up. His tired eyes now fixed, shining with a mixture of disbelief and alarm.
Halibel: I ran into her a few minutes ago, in one of the hallways of the east wing. She seemed a bit reserved... —she paused briefly before adding casually— But she's a good girl. Strange, yes, but... she has an interesting presence.
Subaru: Halibel!
The shout was more instinct than thought. The tone tore through the calm atmosphere of the office. Halibel blinked, still serene, but with a slightly raised eyebrow at the sudden outburst.
Halibel: Eh...? What's going on?
Subaru: Where exactly did you see Ram?!
Halibel: I already told you. In the hallways, I think near the second corridor that leads to the kitchen. I couldn't say more. She was walking alone.
A shiver ran down Subaru's spine. The words "kitchen," "alone," and "Ram" shouldn't exist together in the same sentence. Not here. Not now.
Subaru: Damn... if she's still around...
He began moving without thinking, his feet dragging the chair as he stood, his heart already pounding like an alarm inside his chest. He couldn't afford this. Not now. Not after everything.
Subaru: I have to stop her. She can't meet Frederica!
Halibel: Frederica...? I don't understand. What's dangerous about that?
Subaru: Everything! —his voice trembled but he didn't lower it— Ram shouldn't be alone. And if she runs into her... it could ruin everything.
Halibel: Ruin what? You're not being clear, Su-san.
Subaru: I don't have time for explanations. Just... come with me!
Without waiting any longer, Subaru slammed the door open with such force that it bounced off the wall before closing behind them on its own. The hallway they stepped into was long and silent, but the echo of their hurried footsteps began to fill it with life.
An urgent life. A desperate life.
▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔
Ram: ...Frederica.
The voice was low, barely a whisper that dissolved among the echoes of the hallway. But it was enough. The figure that had just turned the corner froze upon hearing her name, as if time itself had stopped just for her. Her wide, astonished eyes locked onto the oni's.
Frederica: R-Ram... It can't be...
The silence that followed was thick, almost suffocating. Neither of them moved. The light filtering through the slats in the ceiling cast long shadows over the stone floor, as if even the Pandemonium itself was holding its breath.
Frederica was the first to step forward, slow, uncertain steps, as if at any moment her vision might dissolve like the smoke of a dream too sweet.
Frederica: Are you really... alive?
Ram: Hm?
Ram tilted her head slightly, without surprise, without emotion. Her eyes scrutinized the woman in front of her, recognizing a face from the past that seemed plucked from another world. One where things still made sense.
Of course... she had spent so long in confinement. That closed, dark, monotonous place where days and nights blurred together. It was natural everyone thought she was dead. Though, deep down, she had believed Subaru would've told the others something... but apparently, he hadn't.
Ram: Yes... unfortunately, I'm still alive.
Her voice wasn't ironic, nor was it grateful. It was a cold fact, like a wound that had been forcibly closed.
Frederica: You... disappeared so long ago... Lord Roswaal is... he's dead.
Ram: I know. Someone told me... quite some time ago.
A name crossed her mind—one she could no longer utter with hatred, nor affection. Only with resignation. Subaru. He had been the one to break the news to her. His words were blunt, almost cruel. No softening of the blow. As if he wanted her to feel nothing... and indeed, she felt nothing. She didn't cry. She didn't scream. She didn't break. Because the love she had once felt for Roswaal... had died long ago. She had let it go along with the old Ram.
Now her heart belonged to someone else. Someone who truly loved her... even if it was slowly destroying him.
Frederica: If... if it's really you... how did you get here? Or maybe... you're just a hallucination... from all this stress.
Ram: I'm sorry, Frederica, but I'm not a hallucination. I'm Ram. Flesh and bone. And... a little tired.
Frederica: But then... how is it possible? Lord Roswaal told me you were dead. That there was no doubt.
Ram: Well... I was locked up. Chained. Hidden in some dark corner of this place... by a boy with tired eyes and deep circles under them.
Frederica: A boy with dark circles...? Do you mean the Master?
Ram: Master? —her tone turned dry, almost mocking— I don't think that title suits him. At least not for me.
Frederica furrowed her brow, stepping closer. The confusion on her face mixed with something else. Fear. Doubt.
Frederica: But... why did he lock you up? I don't understand...
Ram: It's because of something I promised him... a long time ago.
Her voice grew distant. There were things she couldn't share. Not with her. Not here. Not now. Too many layers, too many half-shaped truths.
Frederica: And if that's the case... why are you walking around so freely?
Ram: He let me out of that place. So I took the chance to... explore a bit.
Obviously, she couldn't tell her she was searching for answers. That something inside her still didn't fully understand Subaru, nor his obsessive way of protecting her. And she couldn't trust anyone blindly. Not when everyone here seemed to orbit around him, like carefully placed pieces.
Frederica: So... are you his ally?
Her voice grew firmer, with a hint of hostility. As if she needed that confirmation to decide whether to see her as friend or foe.
Ram didn't hesitate.
Ram: No. I'm not his ally. Or anything like it.
Frederica's eyes narrowed.
Frederica: S-so you don't work for him...
Ram: No, I don't. And I don't plan to either.
Another silence fell. Denser. Colder.
The two women looked at each other as if still unsure whether they should recognize one another as former allies... or as strangers.
But one thing was clear to Ram: this meeting was no coincidence.
Ram: Frederica... are you working for him?
The question sliced through the air with the precision of a sharp blade. It was direct, but it didn't sound accusatory—more like someone fearing to confirm a truth they already suspected. Frederica, whose gaze still trembled slightly, blinked slowly at the sound of it. It was as if those words triggered a spring of long-contained emotions.
Frederica: Yes... I work for him... though it's not something I ever wanted.
Her voice cracked at the end of the sentence, fading like a candle about to go out. She brought a hand to her chest, pressing gently as if trying to soothe an invisible pain. Ram didn't look away, though the tension in her shoulders became more visible.
Ram: It's not something you want? Then... is he...?
Frederica: ...Forcing me.
The tone she used was final, as if ripping something out by the roots that had been buried for far too long. She took a moment before continuing, breathing deeply, staring at an empty point between them, as if replaying scenes in her mind she wished she could forget.
Frederica: When you disappeared, Roswaal-sama... changed. At first, I thought it was just grief. But over time... it became something else. His mind... was broken. He wasn't himself anymore. He stopped talking about plans or the future. He became absent, as if nothing had meaning. Even so, I agreed to return to the mansion. I felt I had to keep it standing, out of respect for you all. So... I tried. I cleaned, cooked, tended the gardens... pretended everything was still the same.
She paused. Her lips trembled slightly, but she didn't cry. The pain wasn't new—it had become a second skin.
Frederica: Until he showed up. Subaru. And he wasn't alone. He was accompanied by two subordinates, one in particular with a disturbing laugh and two swords even more dangerous: Cecilus. He was the one who killed Roswaal. I don't know how or why... I only know that after that, everything happened very fast.
Ram remained still, watching with the stillness of a statue. But something had shifted in her eyes. The name Subaru was no longer foreign to such acts.
Frederica: Emilia-sama... or rather, the spirit that accompanied her... froze me. I don't remember what happened between that moment and the next. I only know I woke up here. In this place... the Pandemonium. That was when he forced me to follow his orders. He told me that if I didn't obey, if I tried to escape or even thought of rebelling... my family would suffer the consequences.
Her voice dropped to a murmur at the last part, as if she feared even the walls might betray her.
Ram: He... did that?
For the first time, Ram sounded truly surprised. Not incredulous, but struck by the rawness of the story. It was easy to imagine Subaru bearing the weight of decisions... but threatening the innocent family of someone who worked for him, using that kind of manipulation...
Frederica: Not long ago... —she continued, eyes glassy— he left my family's fate to the flip of a coin. A stupid golden coin he tosses whenever he has to make a decision. It was pure luck that nothing happened that day... but the threat still hangs over me. It's not something I can endure much longer. I have to cook, clean, keep order in places filled with secrets, with things I don't want to see... even clean up corpses. There are... atrocities. Every day. Right in front of me. And I have to keep pretending everything's fine.
Ram tightened her fists slightly. Not out of anger, but from the tension building inside her. The pieces were starting to fall into place... even if she didn't want them to. Not like this.
Frederica... wasn't just a servant under coercion. She was another piece on the board, another victim trapped under the control of a Subaru that Ram could no longer fully understand. A Subaru who loved her, yes... but who also dragged darkness with him wherever he went.
And although Ram wasn't a warm or expressive person... the woman in front of her had taken care of her sister, and of herself, during childhood. She couldn't ignore that.
So, in a voice unusually soft —almost imperceptibly warm— she spoke:
Ram: I don't know exactly what happened... or how much you've had to suffer. But I need you to tell me one thing, just one: why do they call him the King of the Purge? If you explain it to me... I can help you keep your family safe. For good, this time.
Frederica looked up. Hope hadn't returned to her eyes yet... but something close to relief stirred in her expression.
Frederica: King of the Purge... that's what everyone calls him now. This place is the operations base of a hidden, almost underground organization. They call themselves the Pleiades. Smuggling, raids, targeted assassinations... that's their daily routine. And Subaru... he's at the center of it all.
She swallowed hard, fighting against the weight of her words.
Frederica: He earned that title because of all the deaths he's ordered... because of the blood on his hands. I don't know how many people have fallen because of his decisions, or how many more will. But one thing is certain...
And then, she said it with the firmest voice of the entire conversation:
Frederica: He... is a monster.
Ram didn't react immediately. Silence settled between them like a thick layer, too heavy to be broken by empty words. Frederica's confessions were no longer a sudden blow, but a bitter echo of things Ram had already suspected. They weren't new to her.
But still...
Still, deep in her chest, she continued to see him as Subaru. Not the "King of the Purge," not the monster others whispered about in fear, but that stubborn fool who cried for her and still allowed himself to tremble when he saw her hurt. To her, he wasn't a monster. He was Subaru. Just a wounded boy who had made too many wrong decisions with hands stained by the weight of an unforgiving world.
She hated him, yes. For everything he had become. For everything he carried with him. She hated him because his suffering had been silent, cruel, hidden behind cold words. But she also loved him, and that love didn't fade, no matter how hard she tried to tear it away.
And that hurt more than any atrocity.
She couldn't ignore Frederica either. She had endured so much. And although Ram wasn't someone who offered compassion freely, this time she felt it. Because Frederica was one of the few who had shown genuine affection for Rem... and, in her quiet way, for her too.
Ram: Thank you... You have no idea how much the information you gave me helped. I'll do everythi—
But the sound of footsteps interrupted her words.
Echoing movement in the hallways. Ram turned her head slowly, sensing it more than hearing it. Two figures emerged from the darkness. One, tall and serene, like a spirit of the forest: Halibel. The other, smaller, more human... but with a presence heavier than a thousand shadows.
Subaru.
Ram: They had to show up now...
Her voice was an ironic sigh, barely audible. There was a hint of annoyance, but also resignation. As if she had been expecting it.
Subaru didn't hesitate for a second. He walked straight toward her, with a strange intensity in his gaze. His eyes, which usually reflected the fatigue of the soul, now looked almost startled.
Subaru: Ram... are you alright?
That voice... that voice still carried a human tone, fragile, worried. That voice she still wanted to hear.
Ram: Why wouldn't I be...?
Subaru stepped closer, moving as if to hug her. His arms moved with that impulse he still believed was allowed. But then...
Ram: ...King of the Purge.
Two words were enough to stop him cold.
They weren't an accusation. Nor a betrayal. They were a reminder. Not of what he was, but of how the world saw him.
And Subaru knew it. He felt it. He froze in place, his arms still in the air, suspended, as if refusing to accept that invisible barrier between them.
His eyes slowly shifted to the side... and locked onto Frederica.
And in that instant, his gaze changed. It wasn't anger, nor fear. It was that dull, sharp glint —the one that appears when someone stops pretending.
Ram looked at him too. But she didn't see the "King of the Purge." She didn't see the monster. She only saw Subaru... And even though she wanted to scream at him, to hit him, to rip that mask of coldness from his face, she also wanted to hold him until he stopped trembling.
That contradiction tore her apart. But at the same time, it kept her alive.
▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔
The Pandemonium was, in its entirety, a prison disguised as a fortress. Cells, cold rooms, endless hallways, and a constant sense that everything had been built to break the soul. But there was one place that didn't seem made for that purpose. A single space that retained a certain warmth, a certain fragility... like a fragment torn from another world and left there by mistake —or by mercy.
Emilia's room.
Unlike the rest of the place, her room was bathed in a soft, dim light. The floor, unlike the cold stone of the Pandemonium, had a white carpet that barely crunched under bare feet. A small vase with dried lilies adorned the nightstand, and a mirror hung from one of the walls.
On the bed, covered in lavender sheets embroidered with silver thread, lay Emilia. Reclining on her back, arms stretched out to her sides, her hair spread like moonlit silk over the pillows, her eyes wide open —but lost in the ceiling as if it hid an answer.
She had been like that for hours. Without saying a word, moving only to blink.
Until a faint breeze —too warm to have come from outside— drifted through the room. Then, the sound of light, almost imperceptible footsteps.
Puck appeared at the foot of the bed, like a cat made of light and mist.
Puck: You were so quiet I thought you'd fallen asleep with your eyes open, Lia.
Emilia didn't startle. She simply blinked slowly and turned her face slightly to look at him.
Emilia: I can't sleep... I'm not even tired.
Puck: Then what are you thinking about?
There was a pause. The silence between them was almost comforting, as if they could understand each other without speaking. But this time, Emilia chose to answer.
Emilia: About Subaru...
Puck tilted his head.
Puck: Did he do something?
Emilia: No. Or... maybe he did. I don't know.
The feline spirit floated a bit, crossed the room, and placed his front paws gently on her chest.
Puck: What happened during his last visit?
Emilia closed her eyes for a moment. She brought a hand to her chest, as if trying to catch a memory before it slipped through her fingers.
Emilia: It was like always. He didn't talk much. He laid his head on my lap. He just stayed there, calm, like everything bad vanished when he was with me.
Puck smiled softly.
Puck: That sounds like Subaru. So?
Emilia: This time was different. Not in what he did... but in how he did it. His words were the same as always, but they felt empty. As if... as if he didn't want to be there. As if he couldn't look me in the eyes.
She brought her other hand to her face, pressing softly against her lips.
Emilia: He asked if I was okay... but not like he used to. This time... it felt like he was trying to confirm something.
Puck: Maybe he just had a bad day, Lia. You know how much he tries to carry everything alone. Maybe he was just tired.
Emilia: ...Yeah. That's true. You're right.
But she didn't say it with conviction. She said it like someone trying to convince herself.
Emilia: Maybe that's all it was... And still... it hurt, deep inside, when he left without looking at me one last time. I don't want to be a burden to him. I don't want him to see me as someone who's just... locked up here.
Emilia's voice trembled slightly. Her fingers clung to the edge of the sheet.
Emilia: Next time he comes... I'll do better. I'll make sure he doesn't have to say a thing. I just want him to rest, to feel at peace... to not see me as a bother. If he could stay a little longer... just a little longer...
Puck, with his head tilted, watched her in silence. He didn't say anything this time. He knew when his words could help... and when they would only cover up truths.
Emilia turned her face to the side now and looked toward the closed door of her room.
Emilia: Subaru always comes through that door. Only he can. Sometimes I like to imagine him there, standing, with that serious, tired expression... but alive. It's strange, Puck. The more I see him, the more I feel like he's the only thing that still feels real here.
Puck: And is that a bad thing?
Emilia: No... it's not. It's just that... I'm starting to think I don't want anyone else to see him the way I do. I don't want anyone else to hear him the way I hear him.
Her pupils reflected the faint light from the enchanted crystal, and in her voice something slipped in —something that hadn't been there before: a tiny crack in the sweetness, a subtle note of longing that brushed against something dangerous.
Emilia: Next time he comes... I won't let him leave so easily.
And then, for the first time in hours, she smiled.
A fragile smile, barely perceptible. But it was there. Like a seed sprouting underground without anyone noticing —still small, still harmless... but inevitable.
Puck watched her a moment longer, then closed his eyes with a sigh.
Puck -softly-: It's not you that's breaking, Lia... it's the world around you.
But Emilia no longer heard him. She kept looking at the door.
Waiting.
▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔
Silence was a strange creature in the halls of the Pandemonium. It wasn't the kind of silence that offered peace or introspection. It was thick, tense —a pause between breaths that stretched too long, as if the very walls were holding theirs, afraid of what might come next. That silence now hung between Ram and Subaru, like a rope pulled to its limit, refusing to snap.
Ram was staring directly at him. Her cherry-colored eyes —the same ones Subaru had learned to read in another life, even through her indifference— were now a raw mirror, unadorned. He didn't know how to hold her gaze.
Ram: Why didn't you ever tell me about the King of the Purge?
The question wasn't a reproach. It wasn't an accusation either. It was worse. It was genuine.
Subaru felt the ground beneath his feet recede an inch. He wanted to respond, open his mouth and construct an excuse, a reason, a veil. But nothing came. Only a dull ringing in his ears and a weight in his chest that wouldn't lift.
Subaru: I... It wasn't the right time. I didn't know how to say it.
Ram frowned slightly, but her voice didn't rise even a single tone.
Ram: You've always said words don't matter —only actions do. But hiding something like that... does that count as an action too, Barusu?
There was no answer.
Halibel, a few steps behind, remained still, as if he knew that stepping in would be disrespectful. His relaxed posture fooled no one: he was paying close attention to every word, every movement, every shadow. Frederica, beside him, avoided looking at Subaru. Her eyes stayed lowered, her fingers clenched tightly over the fabric of her dress, and a faint tremor ran through her shoulders.
Ram lowered her gaze for a moment, took a deep breath, and shifted her tone.
Ram: It's fine. It doesn't matter... That's not what's most important now.
Subaru frowned, confused.
Ram: What I want to know now is... why Frederica?
The question dropped like a stone thrown into a bottomless lake. Subaru felt every word from Ram open an invisible wound.
Ram: Why threaten her family?
Guilt was nothing new to Subaru. He knew it, carried it with him like a shadow glued to his heart. But something changed when it was Ram who spoke. Her voice, though cold, wasn't empty. There was no hatred in it. Only disappointment... and understanding, and that hurt even more.
Ram: You always said you'd do anything to protect others... but it seems you're also willing to destroy those who can't defend themselves. Do you think that's the only way? That there's no other path? Or is it just easier when you choose not to look at the harm you cause?
Subaru couldn't answer. He knew it. He knew she was right.
Subaru -thinking-: There's no coin that can save me from this... No luck that can clean these choices. I can't hide behind logic, or duty. Ram is looking at me. And her voice isn't judgment... it's understanding. And that's why... that's why it hurts so much.
With slow but firm resolve, Subaru took a step forward. Then another.
Frederica looked up, her green eyes wide open, as if seeing an impossible creature walking toward her. She stepped back instinctively, but stopped when she saw Subaru raise his hands —not to attack. He was just walking... straight toward her.
Subaru: You can hit me.
His voice was low, but charged with something Ram hadn't heard in a long time: raw sincerity.
Subaru: As many times as you need. I won't stop you. I won't dodge. I owe you more than just an answer, Frederica... I owe you pain, because that's what I made you feel.
Frederica paled, her lips trembling, confused. She looked at Halibel as if silently asking for an explanation, but the demi-human simply closed his eyes slowly, a sign he wouldn't interfere.
Subaru: Halibel... don't stop her.
Halibel narrowed his eyes slightly. The kiseru still hung from his mouth. He nodded once.
Halibel: Understood.
Frederica still didn't move. Subaru took one final step and stood before her.
Subaru: Do it.
It wasn't a command. It was a plea. And that was what made Frederica, after a long moment of hesitation, raise her fist.
The first blow was uncertain.
Her fist struck Subaru's chest —not with real force, more a trembling protest than an attack. But he didn't move. He didn't raise his hands to block it. He didn't look away.
And it was that passivity, that silence, that willingness to receive it all, that sparked a buried flame.
The second blow came harder, to his shoulder. The third, directly to his collarbone. And then, the words began to come out alongside her fists.
『Frederica: My brother...!』
Another blow, sharp, against Subaru's arm.
『Frederica: My grandmother...! They didn't do anything wrong...!』
A punch to the ribs, more rage than technique. Subaru grunted faintly, but didn't step back.
『Frederica: I just wanted to work! I just wanted to help at the mansion...! I never asked for this...!』
The next fist struck his stomach. Subaru felt the air leave his lungs for a moment, yet he didn't yield an inch.
『Frederica: They froze me alive! I woke up in this hell...! And you... you looked at me like I was just part of the furniture!』
The next impact came with both hands open —a push to his chest that nearly made him stumble. Frederica was panting, her eyes on the verge of breaking.
『Frederica: You... you decided that a coin was enough to play with our lives...!』
Ram, who until that moment had watched without saying a word, felt something crack inside her. It wasn't rage. It was a sharp, invisible pain. Every blow she saw fall upon Subaru tore her apart —not because of the physical harm, but because of the look of resignation on his face.
Ram -thinking-: He's not punishing himself... he's giving up.
And she wasn't going to allow that.
The wind turned around her before anyone could notice. A blade of air cut through the space between Subaru and Frederica, separating them with a subtle but firm impact. It was a boundary. A line drawn in the air.
Ram: That's enough.
Frederica stopped, breathing heavily. Her fist froze mid-air. The wind had tousled her hair, and a tear was slowly falling down her cheek, mixing with sweat and anger.
Frederica: But... he...
Ram: That's enough.
Her voice was firm, without shouting. But in it was an unquestionable authority. Not like a command... but like a plea.
Halibel remained where he was, unmoving, but for the first time, he let out a quiet sigh. His gaze shifted from Subaru for a moment, focusing on Frederica.
Subaru, in contrast, said nothing. He was breathing with difficulty, his body aching, but his eyes stayed fixed on the ground. Not out of cowardice, but because he knew that if he looked up... he would see Ram.
And he didn't know if he was ready for what he'd find in her eyes.
Frederica took a step back. Then another. Not out of fear, but because her body could no longer bear such an emotional weight. She had released something that had been rotting inside her for far too long. Her face was streaked with tears, her breathing uneven, her shoulders trembling. But for the first time since arriving at the Pandemonium, she no longer felt the suffocating weight of the unspoken.
Frederica: I... I'm sorry.
Ram: You don't have to be.
Subaru finally looked up. He saw her. Ram.
And then he knew —with painful clarity— that there was no more room for pretending. Not with her.
The silence that followed the wind's cut was dense, almost tangible. Frederica backed away with uncertain steps, Ram kept her gaze fixed on Subaru, and Halibel, from his usual stillness, missed nothing.
Subaru tried to say something, maybe to break the tension, maybe to calm Frederica... but the words didn't come. Instead, a wave of dizziness shook him from the base of his skull. His legs buckled.
The world tilted slowly.
Ram: ...Barusu?
And then he collapsed.
The sound of his body hitting the ground was dull, heavy. His face turned to the side, eyes closed, chest rising and falling slowly. It wasn't a dramatic faint —but the silent collapse of someone who had carried too much... for far too long.
Ram: Hey... Barusu!
She rushed to him and knelt at his side, taking his face gently in her hands. His skin was warm, his breathing faint.
Halibel: His pulse is steady. He just fainted.
Ram: I already knew that...
But her hands trembled as she held him.
▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔
The faint orange light of sunset filtered through the narrow windows of Pandemonium, bathing a room in a warm golden glow that contrasted with the cold that usually haunted its halls. A soft whisper of wind brushed against the linen curtain, and the faint creaking of wood beneath the bed was the only sound accompanying the silence. On the mattress, covered in white sheets, Subaru slowly opened his eyes.
The ceiling he knew better than his own reflection greeted him with its usual indifference. For a second, he felt disoriented, as if the world hadn't yet decided whether it would allow him to wake again. His breathing was shallow, and his chest ached with every movement. The blows he had taken from Frederica still left visible marks, though now carefully bandaged.
At his side, right at the edge of the bed, she sat. With one leg crossed and her back straight, Ram watched him without looking away. Her brow wasn't furrowed, nor did she speak. She simply observed him, as if needing to confirm that every beat of Subaru's heart was real.
Subaru: ...You're here.
Ram: Obviously. Where else would I be? Ram wouldn't leave a fool alone.
Her tone sounded like mockery, but her eyes... weren't laughing. In those cherry-colored eyes was something else. Something softer, more human.
Subaru: I deserved it... and you know it.
Ram: Maybe you did. But Ram also knows when something stops making sense. It didn't have to go that far. Frederica needed to get the poison out of her soul, and you... you wanted her to do it with you.
Subaru turned his head slightly, slowly, as if even the gesture was too much for his wounded body.
Subaru: It wasn't just for her.
Ram: ...Then?
He stayed silent for a few seconds. His lips parted with difficulty, but at last, the words came.
Subaru: I was afraid... that you wouldn't look at me the same anymore. That everything I am now... what I did, what I've done... would destroy that look you always have when you see me. You... you're the only one who still sees me as Subaru, not the King of the Purge. That look of yours has held me up more than anything else. If I lost it... I'd lose myself too.
Ram averted her eyes just slightly, as if that confession was too heavy to face all at once. But she didn't move the hand resting on her lap, nor the closeness with which she had kept him company since before he awoke. She closed her eyes for a moment, and then, with a voice calm but sharp like the wind that was her essence, she asked:
Ram: When you said you loved me... was it true?
The question hung in the air like a feather refusing to fall. She wasn't looking at him. Not yet. Her eyes were fixed on the floor, but her ears... they were listening to every beat of Subaru's heart.
He swallowed, wounded, weak, but honest.
Subaru: It was. Every word was true. This place... this chaos, this madness we call Pandemonium... it was all created because I wanted to protect you. Even if I no longer had the right to stay close to you.
And then, only then, did she turn her head.
Ram's eyes sought him out with an intensity that seemed to break through every barrier. She was no longer the distant Ram, nor the quiet observer. She wasn't the shadow living behind bars. She was herself. Pure. Present.
Ram: ...That's enough. I don't need more than that. If your words were real, then that's all I need. Ram doesn't need castles or promises. Just to know that what she feels isn't a delusion.
She leaned in, slowly, until her forehead gently touched Subaru's. She closed her eyes and murmured with a smile she couldn't hide, however small:
Ram: You're a fool... but Ram is even more foolish. Because even knowing the world sees you as a monster, I still can't stop loving you.
Subaru half-closed his eyes, feeling something deep within his chest break and mend at the same time.
Subaru: Then let me be your monster. If anyone has the right to kill me or love me... it's you, Ram.
For an instant, the world stopped spinning.
Their foreheads remained joined, barely touching, sharing warmth and silence. It wasn't an awkward silence, nor a forced one. It was full of unspoken things, of memories dragged from times when words weren't enough. The soft sunset filling the room slowly deepened into a reddish twilight, and everything seemed to pause just for them.
Ram was the first to move. Not clumsily, not hesitantly, but with the quiet certainty of someone who knows exactly what they're doing. She pulled back just enough to look Subaru in the eyes. And this time, hers burned like embers.
Ram: Do you know what Ram hates most about you?
Subaru looked at her, unsure if he should speak. He didn't.
Ram: I hate... that you always try to carry everything alone. I hate that you lock yourself in that darkness like it's your home. I hate that you think pushing me away is protecting me. Ram isn't weak. She never was. And even less so when you're here.
Her fingers, trembling but steady, reached for Subaru's hand. They wrapped around it gently, as if every wound still spoke.
Ram: And even so... despite hating you for that, I can't help it. I can't stop loving you.
He squeezed her fingers just slightly, feeling his throat burn and his eyes begin to sting.
Ram: Do you know why I'm not afraid of you?
Subaru: ...Why?
Ram: Because even if the whole world calls you the King of the Purge, even if your hands are stained to their core, I saw something no one else did. I saw your ruins. And I chose to stay. Ram stayed with you, even when you wanted me to hate you.
Ram's voice broke just slightly at the end, as if fighting her emotions was no longer an option. But she didn't cry. Not yet. Her eyes stayed firm, as always. Like every time he felt like falling apart.
Ram: If only one person can kill you, let it be Ram. If only one person can love you, let that be Ram too. Because I don't want to share you with anything, or anyone. Not with the world. Not with the sky. Not with your guilt.
Subaru shut his eyes, a tear escaping before he could stop it. Not from sorrow, but because the warmth in his chest hurt more than any wound on his body. Ram didn't embrace him. She didn't caress him. But she was there. Solid. Present. Like the only lighthouse still daring to shine in his eternal night.
Ram: You saved me. But you also broke me. And still, I'm here. Not because you forced me. Not because I have no choice. I'm here because I want to be.
Her voice dropped to a whisper, barely audible.
Ram: Because if Ram is going to love again... it could only be you.
He couldn't help it. He sobbed.
▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔
(Short story)
Subaru didn't know how he had ended up in this situation.
Subaru: Ram, please, just five more minutes... You're so soft... so warm...
Ram: You're a fool. A clingy, needy cat. And you smell weird.
Despite her words, she didn't push him away. Her arms, though crossed, offered no real resistance, and her cheeks had taken on a faint pink hue that gave away more than she would've liked to admit. Subaru, wrapped in a blanket and his own delusions of affection, rubbed his face against hers while his tail—yes, he had a tail now too—curled playfully around Ram's.
Subaru: Ram, I knew it. I knew you'd let me hug you in the end.
Ram: Ram should've brought a stick to poke you away... or a bucket of cold water.
Subaru -pouting-: That was cruel. So cruel. Have you turned into a demon cat?
Ram glanced at him sideways, tilting her head slightly. Then, as if to seal the moment, she sank her teeth into Subaru's cheek with a bite that was more playful than aggressive.
Subaru -yelling-: I knew it! That bite means feline affection! Ram loves me~!
Ram -flatly-: What a bother. Sometimes I wonder why I care about you.
Even so, she didn't let go.
And Subaru, in silence, gave thanks for another night by her side—even if it meant enduring bites, sarcasm, and indifferent stares... because he knew that behind every gesture, Ram was offering him all the love her quiet heart could give.
Notes:
"I want to clarify a few important things. A few days ago, while reading comments on another story-sharing platform, I came across one that, although it didn’t directly offend me, felt somewhat hurtful and out of place. After thinking about it, I realize that perhaps I haven’t been clear enough when explaining certain details about this story, which may have caused confusion. So, I’d like to take this opportunity to clarify everything as best I can.
First of all, I want to make it clear that this fanfic was created by me and originally published in Spanish on Wattpad. However, I should mention that my work is inspired by another fanfic that can also be found on Wattpad, titled “Re:Ahogándose en la ira desde cero”. This wonderful story was written by @alexispro1266 (that’s their username on the platform). I’m not sure if the author has an account on AO3, but I want to emphasize that their story was one of the main reasons I decided to write my own version, as I truly loved the dynamic and relationship they developed between Ram and Subaru.
With that said, I hope the context and inspiration behind my story are clearer now. It has never been my intention to take credit for someone else’s work, but rather to pay tribute to a piece that deeply moved me and inspired me to create something new from my own perspective. I truly appreciate everyone who has read and supported my fanfic, and I’m always open to receiving constructive feedback that helps me grow as a writer. Thank you for your understanding and support!
Chapter 8: Echo of a Name
Chapter Text
The icy wind carried the snow with a deceptive softness, slowly covering the remnants of a scene that had once been life and was now only a frozen memory.
Overturned caravans, their wood cracked and roofs splintered, sank into the ground like wounded beasts. Some still burned with faint, twisted, orange flames, flickering against the gray sky as if resisting extinction. The wheels kept spinning from inertia, pushed by the freezing breeze. Amid the snow, opened packages gleamed—weapons, odd objects, and crates that had spilled some of their contents like scattered organs.
The land dragons, majestic in life, now lay with their bodies half-buried, blood staining the whiteness around them in irregular shapes. Smoke rose like grim incense among the silhouettes of human corpses, pierced by daggers, swords, or still-quivering arrows, as if they hadn't finished killing. Some had their eyes open, fixed on a sky that would offer no answers.
And, in the middle of it all, someone walked.
His steps were slow, unhurried. The footprints he left in the snow were almost immediately erased by the insistent gusts of wind. A black kimono, with faint grayish patterns barely visible among the dragging folds, swayed with each step, as if too modest to touch the blood. Around his neck, an orange scarf contrasted with the tone of the scene, a warm color in a dead world. It was wrapped several times, covering his throat with precision, as if it sought to protect a secret or hide scars that should not be seen.
But if one paid attention, if the wind dared to lift the fabric for even a second, one could notice there... just where the scarf failed to fully cover, some pale, thin, old, uneven marks. As if hands had once gripped there so tightly they tried to erase his life.
He didn't touch them. He didn't cover them on purpose. He simply let them be.
Snow accumulated on his shoulders, as if the sky itself were trying to stop him, to cover his existence. But the man did not stop. His pace was too calm, too aware of the disaster around him.
Around him, the bodies seemed to speak to him. Not with words, but with their silence, with the posture in which they had died, with the weapons they hadn't managed to release. And still, he did not seem disturbed. Nor did he seem proud. He just kept walking. As if this were neither a triumph nor a loss. Just one more step.
He stopped in front of the corpse of a woman. Young, wearing light armor and still clutching a sword with frozen fingers. Her face twisted in fear, eyes wide in surprise. He observed her in silence, slightly inclining his head. Neither respect nor disdain. Just recognition. She had wanted to steal. She had tried to flee. She had begged. None of it had been enough.
The wind blew harder, carrying away the smell of smoke, of blood, and of too-late regret.
And then, from a distant hill, a voice shouted the name everyone knew.
—The King of Pandemonium has arrived!
The words traveled like a gunshot through the freezing air, reaching those who still survived, those who awaited forgiveness or punishment. But he did not turn. He made no gesture. He simply kept walking, with snow covering his heels, and the dead as his only company.
He was the leader of the Pleiades organization.
He was the King of Pandemonium.
〚He was the King of the Purge〛
〚And his shadow left no footprints the wind could erase〛
▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔
The embers still burned in the aftermath of the ambush.
The snowy field was stained with dark patches of blood, trampled mud, and shattered pieces of armor. Amid that ruined landscape, barely any life remained. A handful of men—wounded, some trembling, others hanging their heads—were surrounded by a well-armed group. Long swords, short daggers, polished-blade axes: the weapons were drawn, not in alert, but with the calm of those who no longer expected resistance.
Their movements were measured, precise. They wore reinforced dark garments, some with metal plates covering chest and arms, others lighter, made of thick leather, prepared to kill in silence. None of them spoke. They only exchanged glances or brief nods. They were experts. And they knew the battle was already over.
One of the surrounded men, with an improvised bandage on his thigh, tried to lift his gaze, but the edge of a blade came close to his neck with indifference. They needed no further reason to kill. Only orders.
It was then that someone approached.
Through the white mist of breath and the dull whistle of wind through the trees, a tall figure emerged from the low fog. His pace was not hurried, but neither was it heavy. He walked as if he knew the terrain better than anyone, with the confidence of one who has never been defeated. He wore a fitted black kimono, crossed at the waist by a thick purple rope, and the fur covering his neck and shoulders fluttered slightly in the cold wind.
Clenched between his teeth, he smoked a long kiseru, from which a thick, sweet-smelling thread of smoke rose, in stark contrast to the harshness of the scene. His narrow eyes barely opened, yet seemed to see everything. His mere presence was enough to make the soldiers lower their weapons slightly, and the prisoners lose their breath.
One of the squad men saw him arrive and straightened immediately.
Man: Halibel-sama has arrived.
The others stepped aside slightly, making space without being told. Halibel stopped a few steps from the prisoners, observing them without emotion. His breath formed soft clouds that vanished the moment they left his lips. He smoked calmly. No one moved.
Man: These are the ones who survived the attack on the caravans. We've confirmed they were part of the bandit group. Apparently... they wanted to loot the cargo.
The prisoners didn't deny it. One spat blood onto the ground, another simply lowered his head.
Man: The caravans were carrying recruits. New people. Pawns, to be honest. They didn't know how to defend themselves well... that's why they fell so quickly. But one of them managed to send a message with a metia. We got there before they could escape. It was easy, like hunting animals in the snow.
The subordinate spoke with deference, but coldly. His words didn't falter, not even when referring to the dead as expendable pieces.
Man: We left survivors on purpose. To extract what they knew. They might've acted on impulse... or maybe someone else planned all this. We're still not sure. Shall we execute them here?
Halibel took the kiseru from his mouth for a moment, releasing a spiral of smoke toward the overcast sky. The prisoners barely breathed. None dared to beg. Not in front of him. Not in front of that wolf who seemed asleep and yet always ready to tear flesh.
A subtle smile formed on his lips. Almost imperceptible.
Halibel: This time... someone came.
The man tensed slightly, looking at him with uncertainty.
Halibel: He'll be the one to deliver their sentence.
And then, from within one of the destroyed caravans, a silhouette emerged. At first, it looked like nothing more than a shadow among the burned wreckage, but with each step, it became more defined. The dark kimono swayed with every slow movement. The orange scarf stood out against the blackened landscape, and his way of walking—unhurried, without a trace of fatigue—seemed to carry the judgment of the gods with it.
His boots stepped on the snow without a crunch. His gaze was not yet visible, but his mere presence was enough to make everyone take a step back.
Even the prisoners felt the cold intensify. Not from the weather. But from the certainty that death walked among them, still alive.
He stopped between Halibel and the men, observing in silence. No one said his name. No one dared to. But everyone knew who he was.
The King of the Purge.
And the weight of his verdict had begun to fall on their shoulders.
The silence was heavier than the snow.
The newcomer—the King of the Purge—said nothing at first. He only examined the scene with the slowness of an executioner who already knew his next victim. His eyes moved across the corpses, the shattered carts, the fallen land dragons, showing neither surprise nor particular interest.
Halibel: Su-san... this time you arrived early.
His tone was light, as if he were speaking on an ordinary day, not in the middle of a massacre's remains.
Subaru: I don't like it when people touch my pieces while I'm away.
His voice was calm. Deep, but not exaggerated. As if the cold didn't affect him, and the surrounding death was part of his routine.
He turned his head slightly. For the first time, he looked at the man who had spoken with Halibel.
The subordinate felt his heart stop for an instant.
"Since when was I sweating?"
Halibel's words still echoed in his mind, but it was the name... Su-san, that truly terrified him. No one had told him. No one had warned him that he would be present today. Not even in the reports. And if they had, maybe he would've thought twice about his words, his posture—even his breathing.
Now he was here. Standing in front of him. Just a few steps away.
"He's different in person... Much worse than the rumors."
The man swallowed hard, staying firm. His boots sank slightly into the snow, but he didn't move.
Man: K-King of the Purge... it's an honor to have you here.
There was no immediate response.
Man: The situation, as I reported to Halibel-sama... was straightforward. A coordinated attack on our caravans. The recruits couldn't hold out, but one of them managed to send a message through a metia in time. We acted quickly. We surrounded them. These are the only ones left.
The man made a slight gesture toward the survivors, still kneeling in the snow, trembling without fully understanding what was happening.
Man: We await your judgment... What do you wish us to do with them?
Subaru didn't answer. Instead, he stepped closer. Then another step. And the subordinate's eyes widened slightly. The King wasn't looking at the prisoners. He was looking only at him.
Subaru: Which was the first caravan attacked?
Man: I-It was the one carrying refined weapons... mid-grade quality.
Subaru: And how many died before the message was sent?
Man: A-at least eight... maybe ten. The recruit who sent the message barely escaped.
Subaru: And how do you know he escaped?
The man opened his mouth, but no sound came out.
"How did he know? Had he read it in the report? Had someone told him? Was he guessing? Did he say it wrong?"
The words tangled in his throat. Not because he didn't know the answer, but out of fear of saying it wrong.
The King's face remained impassive. No raised voice. No movement of the shoulders. Only his gaze, as empty as the cloudy sky, pierced him.
And then, Subaru showed something slight.
A smile.
Subaru: Relax.
It was a low, almost lazy laugh that vibrated in the cold air with a sickening calm. His lips curved, eyelids half-closed... and that expression of someone toying with the strings of fear.
Subaru: You won't die for getting such a minor detail wrong. Not yet.
Man: Hahaha... Y-yeah, sure...
The man let out a nervous laugh, almost automatic. More a reflex than genuine humor. The sound broke before it fully formed.
Subaru narrowed his eyes.
Subaru: Why are you laughing?
Silence followed.
Subaru: I laughed. Not you. You don't have permission to laugh when I do.
The subordinate turned pale.
Subaru: But you did well. You followed protocol. And this time... I'll let that mistake slide.
He stepped back, the smile fading slowly, as if calm were returning to his face, even though it had never really been there.
Subaru: But next time, if you're going to laugh... make sure you know why.
The man just nodded. Twice. Almost automatically.
And Subaru turned his head, looking once more at the prisoners who still didn't know if they were going to live... or if life no longer mattered.
Subaru's gaze settled on the survivors.
Barely half a dozen defeated figures, filthy, with dried blood on their clothes, faces smudged by smoke from the explosions, eyes downcast. None raised their voices. Some didn't even have the strength to stay upright. Their breathing was short, but not surrendered.
Subaru: They don't look very useful.
Halibel: Sometimes, broken pieces teach more than whole ones.
Subaru turned his face slightly toward him, without removing his hands from the gold coin he held. Their breath was visible under the faint snowfall drifting down in silence, as if the world were holding its breath for what was about to be decided.
Subaru: Take them to Pandemonium. Maybe they can still give something of value... before they break completely.
Man: O-ORDER RECEIVED!! Take them! Don't even think about resisting!
The men of the Pleiades organization moved efficiently. Some prisoners resisted by instinct, others simply let themselves be dragged, as if their will had vanished along with the warmth of their bodies.
Subaru walked among the remains of the battle. Snow mixed with mud, broken wheels, spears embedded in the earth. He stopped in front of a rusted spear, observed it with fleeting interest, and then continued walking with Halibel beside him, neither breaking the silence for a few seconds.
Halibel: It didn't look planned... but it wasn't random either. There was a middleman.
Subaru: If it was a trap, it was a bad one. And if not... then they were lucky idiots.
Halibel: What will you do if there's another group moving?
Subaru: Same as always. Eliminate uncertainty. My way.
They walked a few steps further.
Halibel: And Ram-san?
The question came with the naturalness of someone blowing smoke from a kiseru, barely diverted by the wind.
Subaru: She's safe. In Pandemonium. She doesn't need to be involved in this.
Halibel: Her scent still lingers on you.
Subaru didn't respond immediately. He just took a deep breath, as if the cold seeped into his bones.
Subaru: That's all she needs to know.
Then came the sound.
A tapping. A creaking. Like something moving beneath splintered wood and planks blackened by fire. It came from one of the destroyed carts in the back, tipped over, with one wheel still slowly spinning in the wind.
They both stopped.
Halibel: ...Did you hear that?
Subaru: Yeah.
Without needing any further words, they walked toward the source of the sound. Their boots sank into the snow, leaving tracks that were quickly covered by freshly fallen flakes.
When they arrived, Halibel pushed aside the remains of one of the planks. The sound became clearer. It was heavy breathing, like that of a large animal, still alive.
And then it revealed itself.
Among the wreckage of the cart and the mangled bodies of two earth dragons, there was one more. With black scales, torn in some parts by splinters and burns, but its body still whole. One of its legs was folded under its torso, and it breathed with difficulty. However, upon sensing them, it slowly raised its head. And its eyes—golden, intense, stubborn—locked with Subaru's.
The beast growled. Not as a threat, but as a statement. As if to say that even surrounded by death, it was still standing. Still breathing. Still alive.
Subaru didn't move.
He just looked at it.
And something inside him tightened. It wasn't compassion. It wasn't affection.
It was respect.
Halibel: Do you want us to put it down?
Subaru shook his head.
Subaru: It has strength. Too much to die here. Heal it. Take it to Pandemonium.
Halibel: A personal mount?
Subaru: No. An ally.
The dragon didn't look away.
Subaru smiled faintly.
Subaru: I like its attitude.
As some men approached to carefully move the creature, Halibel crossed his arms and glanced sideways at Subaru, saying nothing at first.
Halibel: And if she—?
Subaru: —Ram doesn't need to compete with a dragon.
Halibel: She never would. She'd just look sideways and say something like, "So you brought another beast."
Subaru: ...Yeah. She would. And she wouldn't let me live in peace for a whole week.
They both smiled for a moment, without laughter.
And then, silence returned.
The scene ended with the survivors being escorted, the earth dragon still alive, and the footprints of both leaders fading into the snow.
Pandemonium awaited them.
▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔
The crunch of snow beneath the wheels was constant.
Caravans lined up at the entrance to Pandemonium, that bastion of stone and wood that rose among mountains and blizzards like a fang lodged in the world's spine. The gates stood open, like a mouth swallowing the silence of the storm. The prisoners disembarked in a line, hands bound, eyes downcast. Some limped. Others barely took a step before collapsing, only to be dragged along.
Subaru was the first to step down.
His boots touched the snow as if each step measured the weight of a decision. Halibel followed behind, the kiseru clenched between his teeth, his gaze slowly scanning the line of kneeling figures.
Subaru: Take them to the lower level. No one talks more than necessary... and I want absolute silence. I don't want to hear a single unnecessary word.
The tone wasn't one of anger, but of conviction. Cold, immovable. As if Pandemonium itself obeyed without question.
Halibel: ...For her, right?
Subaru: I don't want the noise to bother her. Not even with words.
There was nothing more to say.
The two crossed the gates. The echo of their footsteps rang through the wide, silent corridors. Outside, the snow kept falling. Inside, the air was warmer—but no more comfortable. The walls were clean, the windows high, and the columns of Pandemonium stood like silent witnesses to every conversation.
They walked side by side.
Halibel: What do you plan to do with the captives?
Subaru turned a golden coin lightly between his fingers. His eyes followed it with an unusually calm focus, as if watching the metal spin was more important than any prisoner, any scream, any guilt.
Subaru: If they're useful, even if it's just important information... I might consider it.
The coin spun again.
Subaru: Though of course... it's just a consideration. If they're worthless, it all depends on this.
He tossed it into the air without looking at the result. Caught it. And didn't check which side had landed.
Halibel: You'll leave it to chance.
Subaru: Isn't that what we all do, Halibel-san? Some of us just admit it.
Before the conversation could continue, a figure appeared between the columns ahead, waving as if everything was a lighthearted joke with no consequences.
Cecilus: Heeey! So you already solved the little problem? And I wasn't even invited!
Halibel: It was quick. And dirty. Nothing to enjoy.
Cecilus: Tch, what a waste. —he looked at Subaru with bright eyes, like a child asking about a hidden toy— Boss, why didn't you let me go? I seriously wanted to do something fun. Something with swords, explosions, and those things that make people scream.
Subaru: Because if you'd gone... no one would be left alive. Not a clue. Just ashes. And you, yawning in boredom.
Cecilus: That's true! Totally true! —he laughed— You know me so well it's scary!
Subaru kept walking. So did Halibel. Cecilus matched their pace easily, walking backward for a few steps as if it were second nature.
Cecilus: So, what are we doing now? Or are you locking yourself up with paperwork again? Or better yet... going to see the princess?
The silence lasted a second longer than it should have.
Subaru didn't answer immediately. His expression didn't change. The coin was still in his hand. And when he finally spoke, his voice was dry, without a hint of doubt.
Subaru: Yes.
Cecilus: Ooh! That direct? Now that was unexpected.
Subaru: I have things to do. Paperwork. Punishments. Decisions.
He stopped in front of a fork in the corridor. To the right, the path descended to the lower cells. To the left, the halls opened toward the private rooms, far from the noise, where the snow could barely be heard tapping the windows.
Subaru: Don't follow me.
Halibel: I won't.
Cecilus: I already knew I couldn't.
Subaru walked away without looking back.
The echo of his footsteps slowly faded, swallowed by the halls of Pandemonium.
There, where the true war was against silence and memory.
Subaru walked without haste.
Each step was heavier than the last—not from exhaustion, but from the weight of everything he had carried over the past week.
One week.
Only seven days, yet they had held the kind of decisions that deform a man.
The first thing that came to his mind was the letter.
Cecilus had done his part, childish as he acted most of the time. The sealed envelope bearing his crest had been delivered to that name which still lingered uneasily in his mind: Otto Suwen. Though it hadn't been given directly to him, but rather to his current master.
The contents were an offer, a deal. Entangled in multiple matters—trade of goods, safe routes... but above all, centered around a very specific piece.
"Otto."
That piece.
The one Subaru wanted to move—but hadn't yet decided whether to move it on the board... or off it.
He sighed without stopping.
He had also hired new maids. Not a decision he enjoyed, but necessity had pushed him. Pandemonium didn't clean itself, especially when the floors bled from time to time.
That's why the new maids weren't there to serve tea or change sheets, but to handle the work no one else wanted: cleaning corpses, disinfecting the corridors, carrying remains to the incinerator without asking questions.
Dirty work.
Necessary work.
And thanks to that... Frederica no longer had to dirty her hands.
That part had been a request from Ram.
And when she asked, Subaru didn't need to think.
He couldn't say no to her.
That simple.
That ridiculous.
That true.
But...
His brow furrowed slightly.
Tomorrow he would have to see her.
〚Emilia〛
The woman with warm eyes and a gentle smile, whose sweetness now only sent shivers down his spine.
Subaru didn't want to see her.
He didn't want to pretend to feel warmth he no longer felt.
He didn't want to hold a conversation that always seemed on the verge of breaking.
But he had to.
Because a crack in Emilia, no matter how small, could bring all of Pandemonium down with it.
He pressed his lips together and glanced down at the floor, as if it could swallow his disgust.
But what came next...
was a thought that managed to soften his expression.
〚Ram〛
After the incident with Frederica, and after her body had been filled with pain and blood, Ram didn't say much.
But she did something.
Something simple.
She ordered him to eat.
Subaru had started eating without skipping a single meal.
Every dish Frederica prepared, he finished.
Not because he wanted to.
But because Ram ordered him to with that look that allowed no excuses.
And he didn't complain about it.
Quite the opposite.
He loved her for it.
Because in her coldness there was a subtle warmth, in her sarcasm there was tenderness, and in her feigned disdain... there was more care than in any other gesture he'd ever received.
He thought about how, every now and then, when she believed he was asleep, she would gently run her fingers through his hair.
He thought about how she let him rest his head on her lap, even though she always said she only did it because "he was already there."
He thought about how, in rare moments of intimacy, she let him hold her in silence—without a word of comfort, but with a stillness that meant more than any promise.
Thinking about that gave him something like breath again.
By the time he realized it, he was already standing in front of the door.
His room.
His and no one else's.
He didn't need to take a breath.
He didn't need to prepare.
He simply opened it.
And saw her.
There, in a room without unnecessary luxuries or decorations, where the order was so perfect it almost felt cruel—she was sitting on a small table, legs crossed and a book in her hands.
Her pink hair fell over one shoulder, her face slightly tilted toward the page, and her red eyes—cold to everyone else, but not to him—were following each line with quiet focus.
She didn't look up immediately.
She simply turned a page with the same elegance she used to ignore him whenever she wanted to annoy him.
But Subaru looked at her as if the world had stopped moving.
And in a way, it had.
Seeing her was the only part of the day he still longed for with all his being.
Ram.
The only one who didn't lie with sweet words.
The only one who didn't need to comfort him.
The only one who could break him... and at the same time, keep him whole.
Subaru closed the door behind him.
The room was silent.
Not a tense silence, nor an uncomfortable one.
It was the kind of silence that only forms when two people no longer need words to feel together.
Subaru stepped forward slowly, and when he saw her sitting at the low table with a steaming cup of tea in her hands and a small plate of snacks beside her, he couldn't help but pause for a moment.
Ram didn't lift her gaze.
She kept reading as if his arrival meant nothing.
But for Subaru...
...it meant everything.
This was the only place in Pandemonium where he didn't have to be the King of the Purge, didn't have to make decisions, didn't have to kill.
Here, he could just be Natsuki Subaru.
A broken man, exhausted, and hopelessly in love.
He approached and sat beside her without asking permission, letting out a sigh as he settled in.
The warmth of the tea, the soft scent of toasted herbs, and the quiet rustle of turning pages filled the air.
Subaru glanced sideways at Ram.
Her expression was neutral, fixed on the book, as if he didn't yet exist in that moment.
Minutes passed.
Subaru: Ram, how was your day?
Nothing.
Subaru: Did Frederica behave? Or did she do those little bows you hate again?
Silence.
Subaru: Did you eat on time? Sleep well? Did you miss me at least a little?
Nothing. No smile, no scowl, no snide remark.
Just the calm turning of another page.
Subaru lowered his gaze and forced a sad smile.
Subaru: ...I see. Then I'll get back to work. There's paperwork that won't sign itself.
He stood slowly, resigned, and took a step toward the door.
But before he reached it, he heard the soft click of the book closing.
The sound was so gentle it almost didn't seem real.
Subaru turned around, and his eyes finally met Ram's.
She looked at him as if only now noticing his presence, with that bored and uninterested expression she had mastered so well.
Ram: Since when have you been there, Barusu?
The weight in Subaru's chest melted like fog in sunlight.
His smile became real.
Subaru: From the very beginning... but I'm glad you finally saw me.
Ram tilted her head slightly, as if evaluating him.
Then she sat with her legs tucked in and rested her elbows on the table.
Ram: Hm. Then Ram wonders why you didn't say something more interesting. Maybe if Barusu talked less nonsense, it'd be harder to ignore him.
Subaru: That's so cruel! And you didn't even answer my questions!
Ram: Ram was busy. Besides, if you already know the answers, why ask?
Subaru: Because I wanted to hear them from you...
Ram looked at him, her expression unchanged.
Ram: ...Idiot.
It wasn't the word that made him smile.
It was the tone.
Dry, almost indifferent, but with that warm vibration—barely perceptible—that made every insult feel like a small gift only he could understand.
Subaru sat beside her again, more relaxed this time. His eyes drifted to the snacks arranged on the tray. There were a few he recognized: cookies, little pastries, and what seemed to be soft bread filled with something sweet.
Subaru: They look good... Who made them?
Ram: Frederica. She has gentle hands and a good sense for cooking. I took it upon myself to taste them all. They're delicious.
As she said this, Ram picked up one of the snacks with her slender fingers, examined it for a moment as if evaluating it... and then, instead of eating it, she turned it toward Subaru.
He blinked.
Subaru: Huh?
Ram: What's wrong, Barusu? Are you thinking of refusing something Ram is offering you?
Subaru: N-no, it's just that...
Ram: Silence.
Ram brought the snack toward his mouth with a decisive gesture, never breaking eye contact.
Ram: You're lucky someone like Ram is feeding you these days. Barusu is a complete idiot for neglecting himself for so long. If Ram weren't here, you'd probably be dead from anemia or something equally pathetic.
Subaru swallowed hard. Not because of the food, but because of the words.
Because he knew Ram.
He knew that harshness was only a disguise.
And in that moment, she was disguising what it really meant: Eat. I care about you. You're alive, and I want you to stay that way.
He leaned forward slightly and, without breaking eye contact, opened his mouth and accepted the snack.
Ram withdrew her hand with indifferent grace, then picked up another for herself, as if nothing had happened.
Subaru chewed slowly, savoring not just the sweetness of the food, but that rarer sweetness: the kind that comes from being cared for by someone who doesn't say it out loud.
Subaru: ...It's really good.
Ram: Hm. Of course it is. Ram wouldn't eat garbage. And she wouldn't give it to Barusu either, even if sometimes you deserve it.
Subaru let out a quiet laugh.
This was their routine.
This was his comfort.
And in a world where everything seemed rotten, treacherous, or uncertain...
...she, even with her sarcasm, was the only thing that felt like home.
The warmth of the tea still lingered on Ram's tongue, but it was the silence that wrapped around her now—not an uncomfortable one, but the kind that fills like a long, shared sigh.
Ram stood slowly, setting the cup down on the table. The book she had been flipping through lay closed, forgotten, as if it had never been more than an excuse to avoid conversation. She walked with soft steps to one of the nearby windows—the one that faced the endless white beyond Pandemonium.
Outside, the snow fell unhurriedly.
It wasn't a storm, but a calm descent—almost ceremonial.
White flakes floated down as if the world were being purified... or covered.
Ram placed one hand against the cold frame. The other folded beneath her chest.
Her reflection in the glass appeared faint, almost like it was floating over the snowy sky.
Ram: A few days ago, it started snowing without stopping.—she murmured without turning around, her voice softer than usual—. You should dress warmly, Barusu. I don't want to end up taking care of a pervert who takes advantage of a noble maiden like me.
Subaru smiled. He couldn't help it.
That mix of teasing and concern was so... Ram.
Subaru: I'll make sure not to get sick, I promise. Although... if it means you'll be the one to take care of me, I might consider it.
She snorted quietly. But didn't reply.
Subaru stood and walked over to her, stopping at her side without touching her yet.
The chill from the window seeped into the room, but it was faint.
They both looked outside. The landscape was blanketed in white, and the overcast sky seemed to hang heavy above the world.
For a few seconds, they said nothing.
Then Subaru glanced sideways at her.
Her eyes...
Though they didn't shed tears, they carried something hidden.
That quiet melancholy one learns to recognize after sharing the same pain for too long.
Subaru: ...What is it, Ram?
Ram didn't answer right away. Her gaze remained fixed on her reflection in the glass.
It looked like she was watching the world, but in truth, she was seeing herself.
Subaru: Ram...
Ram: Sometimes... when I see my reflection in the window...—she began, as if the words struggled to come out—, I remember Rem.
The name dropped like a stone in the air.
Ram: Our faces were the same. We had many things in common. But in the reflection, it's only me. And for some reason... it feels wrong.
Subaru swallowed hard, unsure how to respond.
Ram didn't cry, but her lips trembled slightly, and her voice seemed to lose its strength with every phrase.
Ram: I wonder why Rem had to die and not me. She was... kinder. Warmer. More... innocent. She was my sister...
A pause.
Brief.
Devastating.
Ram: I... can't stop thinking that if the world had to choose between us, it chose wrong.
Subaru said nothing.
Not because he didn't want to.
But because nothing he could say would ever be enough.
So he simply hugged her.
He wrapped his arms around her trembling body and pulled her close, gently.
Ram didn't resist the gesture. Not this time.
Subaru: Don't say that, please. I can't... stand seeing you like this.
He pressed his forehead against hers.
The contact was warm, intimate, without pretense.
Subaru: No matter what you say, I won't let you sink into that thought. I love you, Ram. And I'll do everything I can to make sure you never regret choosing to stay by my side.
The words didn't break the silence.
They filled it.
And though she didn't respond right away, something in her gaze shifted.
There were no tears, but it was as if the ice surrounding her had begun to crack.
Ram sighed, closing her eyes for a moment.
Ram: ...Pervert.
Subaru blinked.
Subaru: Huh?
Ram: You're touching places you shouldn't. Without my consent, no less.
Subaru glanced down... and noticed, with a jolt of shame, that one of his hands had ended up somewhere it very much shouldn't have.
He jumped back like he'd been burned.
Subaru: S-sorry!! It was an accident! I swear! It wasn't on purpose!!
Ram looked at him with that unreadable expression, like she was deciding whether it was worth getting angry or not.
Finally, she let out a small, resigned sigh.
Ram: Whatever. Barusu been a pervert since the day he was born. Taking advantage of a beautiful maiden like me.
Subaru tried to protest, but she raised a hand, cutting him off.
Ram: Besides... —she murmured, with an ambiguous curve of her lips— after all, you already defiled my body. And emptied something inside me, didn't you?
Subaru's face turned red in an instant.
He practically ignited, covering his face with both hands.
Subaru: Ram!! Don't say things like that with such a calm face!!
Ram: What things?
Subaru: You know what things!!
Ram: Hm.—she turned her head slightly, looking back at the snow through the window—. Ram just telling the truth. Barusu always reacts like a child.
Subaru grumbled under his breath but said nothing more.
Because even though his heart was still pounding, the warmth of that moment was something he didn't want to ruin with clumsy explanations.
There they stood, side by side, in front of the window.
The snow kept falling.
And though the world outside looked frozen...
...between them, everything had just begun to thaw.
▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔
Time in the Pandemonium moved forward without melody, without the murmur of bells or the song of birds to mark the passing hours. And yet, the day went on, and Subaru knew it well.
After spending another while with Ram—a more relaxed one, where silences carried no weight and words flowed without stumbling—Subaru found himself forced to stand and say goodbye. Not without a certain slowness, like someone reluctant to leave the warmth of a room where not just the body, but the soul felt sheltered.
Subaru: Time to get back to the paperwork... —he said, rolling his shoulders a little as if already feeling the weight of what awaited him— But it's not much this time, I promise. I'll be back before you fall asleep.
Ram merely looked at him, one eyebrow slightly raised, as if doubting his words.
But she said nothing.
Though her eyes seemed to soften just slightly before he crossed the door.
The hallway welcomed him with its usual stone-cold air, and Subaru left behind the warmth still lingering in that room's atmosphere.
Walking through the Pandemonium was always the same: footsteps echoing alone, echoes returning unspoken sighs.
But he had already learned not to fear that emptiness.
When he reached his office, the tasks wasted no time in sprawling across his desk. Documents, reports, internal authorizations, and a long list of inventories to review. He had learned to automate part of the process, but even so, his signature remained the key that closed every procedure.
Hours passed.
Outside, the snowy white continued to stretch on, though he barely noticed.
Immersed in numbers and names, signatures and seals, the world had shrunk to ink on paper.
Only when the fatigue began to weigh on the back of his neck and his fingers slid over a final sheet did Subaru lift his gaze.
The light of sunset reflected in his office.
He remembered what he had said.
To come back before Ram fell asleep.
And luckily... he was still on time.
He stood from his seat, smoothing the last document with the palm of his hand.
His steps led him toward the office exit, but instead of turning toward his quarters, he took another path.
He knew it well by now.
It wasn't the path most would take.
It was a more discreet route, deeper. One that led to the lower levels of the Pandemonium, where the cold felt denser and the silence more ancient.
There, the walls did not speak.
They only watched.
He descended several flights of stairs, slabs of old stone marked by the passage of time—and something else, something invisible that pressed down with every step.
There were few torches here, and those still lit gave off a faint glow, as if timid in the presence of what they guarded.
The final hallway opened into a wide room, though with low ceilings.
There was dampness in the air, and the faint echo of dripping water from some unseen corner.
At one end, chained and subdued, were the prisoners captured that morning. The bandits who had attacked one of the transport routes belonging to Pleiades, his organization.
They were conscious. One of them stared at him wide-eyed, as if awaiting an immediate sentence. The others kept their heads down, knowing their fate had been sealed the moment they were brought here.
Subaru didn't look at them for long.
His steps carried him to the center of the chamber, where Halibel and Cecilus were already waiting.
Both were standing near a sturdy column that supported part of the ceiling.
Halibel stood with arms crossed, back straight, and that ever-serene expression that never left him. Beside him, Cecilus looked more restless, though not nervous—just bored.
Cecilus: Just when I thought the day would never end, our leader appears. What a joy to see you, boss!
Subaru didn't respond right away.
His gaze briefly scanned the room, assessing what was to come.
Halibel, noticing this, gave a slight nod.
Halibel: Everything's ready. All that's left is to decide what to do with them.
Subaru took a deep breath, clasping his hands behind his back.
He had kept his promise to finish early.
But before returning to Ram, before night fell completely, there was something he had to deal with.
Something dirty.
Cold.
Inevitable.
Subaru walked forward slowly, crossing the room until he stopped a few meters from the group of prisoners.
The men—filthy, beaten, and bound—looked at him with a mixture of fear and resentment. The air felt heavy, as if it resisted moving between the damp stones.
With a relaxed posture but a firmer voice, Subaru raised his tone:
Subaru: Why did you attack the caravans? Are you part of a larger group? Do you have any information that might be worth it for... at least one of you to keep breathing?
The words fell like stones into water.
"At least one of you to keep breathing."
The echo of that phrase rang louder than the rest. It was a crack in the sentence they had thought sealed.
A handful of the prisoners—those who still had strength in their bodies and a shred of hope in their chests—raised their voices almost at the same time.
—"Me! I know who paid us!"
—"I'm not part of anything, they forced me!"
—"It was just a job! We didn't even know who hired us!"
—"I've got info about other attacks!"
The shouting swelled like an avalanche, and the desperation turned into a sharp, grotesque symphony, as if they were all fighting for a lifeline that only one could reach.
The voices collided, shoved, clawed at one another—like starving dogs scrambling for the same bone.
Subaru closed his eyes for a second, and his brow slowly furrowed.
Subaru: Quiet.
His tone wasn't particularly loud, but it carried a cold edge that instantly silenced every whisper.
As if each prisoner had suddenly felt that their next breath depended on not breaking that silence.
The entire room went still, and in that pocket of quiet, Subaru noticed something.
One of them hadn't said a word.
He stood a bit farther back, shoulders slumped, gaze fixed on the ground like the world no longer included him.
He was an average-height man, with a patchy beard and dried blood on his wrists, but unlike the others, his silence felt heavy—deliberate.
Subaru approached with slow steps, tilting his head slightly.
Subaru: You didn't shout. I'll ask you the same questions. Why did you attack the caravans? What group are you part of? Do you have any information I should consider... before I kill you?
The man didn't answer right away.
He let out a faint laugh—dry, rough—still without raising his head.
—"Doesn't matter... You'll kill us anyway. Or you'll leave it to the golden coin."
At that, he shifted his eyes just slightly toward Subaru's side, where the coin he used to seal fates hung.
Subaru could feel it there, gleaming like a silent oracle. The comment made his lips tighten.
The man continued, now with more sarcasm:
—"The 'Purge King', right? Does it make you feel less guilty to leave it to chance? You're just a kid flipping a coin so you don't have to admit you're the one staining your hands."
Subaru remained silent, his eyes locked on the man.
For a few seconds, there was no sound. Then, a dry, raw laugh escaped his lips—more from surprise than any real humor.
Subaru: Pathetic... yeah. Using a coin... How sad, right? A Purge King who needs an excuse to kill?
He kept laughing, eyes half-closed from the tension in the air—until something distracted him.
A metallic glint.
A small pendant around the man's neck.
Without warning, Subaru reached out and yanked it off with a sharp tug.
The man flinched, his eyes going wide.
—"Wait! Don't touch that!"
But Subaru already had it in his palm.
He turned it between his fingers, inspecting the worn golden oval. Inside, a small hand-engraved inscription: Iraide.
Subaru: Iraide, huh? This name... Must mean something to you.
The man swallowed hard. His expression faltered. But he still clung to his contempt.
—"There could be hundreds with that name. It doesn't mean anything. You won't find her."
Subaru clicked his tongue, still smiling—though the smile had lost its spark.
What lay beneath almost looked like pity.
Subaru: That... that's the funniest part. Because it turns out—we already found her. Or rather... we already knew about her.
The man frowned, confused.
Subaru: There were reports, you know. Someone asking around about you. A woman, going from town to town in Lugunica these past few days, asking for news. A woman with the same name as this.
Someone who, lately—according to the locals—walks more slowly, more heavily...
Because her belly is larger than usual. They say she's probably pregnant.
Silence fell again, but this time it was different.
It wasn't tension.
It was something darker.
More personal.
Subaru: A belly that hasn't finished growing. And she carries the name you wear around your neck like a shield.
The man's face collapsed. His jaw trembled. His eyes widened with real panic.
There was no sarcasm now, no defiance.
Only fear.
A raw kind of fear that didn't scream—but hung in a trembling silence, the kind felt when your world begins to fall apart, piece by piece.
Subaru let the pendant rest in his palm, gazing at it one last time.
Then he closed his fingers around it, saying nothing more.
The other prisoners didn't know exactly what had been said. But they felt it.
They felt something deeper than death hidden in those words.
And for the first time, many lowered their eyes not out of shame or resignation—but out of respect for a threat that no longer felt human.
The silence held for several more seconds, broken only by the faint clink of the pendant's chain between Subaru's fingers.
The man kept his head down, his shoulders drained of strength.
And when he finally spoke, his voice barely rose above a whisper—each word like a stone he had to carry before he could let it fall.
—"Alright... I'll talk."
His lips trembled slightly—not from the cold of the stones or the fear of death, but from the shame of having to say it out loud. Subaru stood before him, still, not pressuring him even with a glance. It was the kind of presence that didn't need to demand obedience to be obeyed.
—"I... had a friend," he began, dragging the words slowly. "We'd known each other since we were young. Used to get into trouble together. He was always more reckless, more impulsive. A few days ago, he showed up out of nowhere. Found me in my workshop, just as I was closing. Said he needed my help for a job."
He paused, swallowing hard as if the next words resisted being spoken.
—"At first, I said no. Told him I wasn't into that anymore... I wasn't a thief or a mercenary anymore. I have a wife. She... she's expecting my child." His voice cracked slightly at the word, and his cuffed hands tensed hard over his knees. "I'd sworn off that kind of life. We were living in peace. Honest. No luxuries... but together."
He lowered his head further, as if he couldn't bear seeing his own reflection in Subaru's eyes.
—"But the day went on... and the hours began to weigh. I started thinking about the sales that weren't going well, the food that wouldn't last if things stayed the same. I told myself... just one more time. Just once. One last time. And everything would be fine."
The tremor in his voice grew, but he didn't let himself fall apart. It was a confession for someone who had no right to ask for forgiveness—and that made it hurt more.
—"I went to see him, that same night. Told him I was in. And then... then he told me about the job."
Subaru said nothing, but in his gaze there was a shadow that seemed to devour everything it heard—a bottomless pit where stories fell and vanished.
—"It wasn't a usual job. He told me he wasn't the one asking. A man had contacted him first. He wore a cloak, face hidden. Never showed it. Not even when he spoke. Always in a low voice, like he was afraid of being recognized. But my friend... he caught a glimpse of his clothes beneath the cloak. Said they were white, with black lines running through them. Elegant, clean. He assumed... he was a knight of the Kingdom of Lugunica."
He looked up briefly at Subaru, as if trying to read his reaction, but found nothing. No approval, no anger. Only that same silent judgment.
—"The job was simple. Hit a few caravans. They always crossed the same area, on a regular basis. He told us to take everything they had. Weapons, materials, whatever was there. Everything was to be dropped off at a specific point in the forest. There, he said, we'd get paid."
He rubbed his knuckles against his pants, unconsciously.
—"That night he gave us an advance. A bag of coins—enough to cloud any poor bastard's judgment. And that was it. No names. No promises. Just... steal and deliver. Nothing else." He inhaled slowly, as if the air itself hurt. "Everything that came after... you already know."
He went quiet, and finally lifted his gaze—not with defiance, but with a bitter resignation that left him bare, like an open wound without a bandage.
Subaru didn't respond right away. His eyes, gray like a storm frozen in time, remained fixed on the face of the man who had confessed everything. Between his fingers, the golden coin turned slowly, catching glints of light on its polished surface. The metallic clink was barely audible—but to those present, it sounded like the hourglass of an execution.
There were no screams, no pleas, no tears.
Only held breaths, and a silence sharp enough to be broken by a sigh.
Subaru turned the coin a little more, as if reading something beyond luck in its surface.
Subaru: Tails,— he finally said, his voice neutral, devoid of emotion. —And you die.
Heads... and you live.
The words fell like a sentence upon the prisoners' shoulders. Some lowered their heads, others widened their eyes, trying to discern whether it was an empty threat or a tangible promise. But Subaru wasn't joking.
Behind him, the sound of steel sliding from its sheath broke the stillness. Cecilus had drawn one of his katanas, now resting it casually on his shoulder. A faint crooked smile played on his lips, as if what he was hearing amused him more than concerned him.
Cecilus: Well... let's see how this ends.
Subaru didn't answer. His gaze remained fixed on the coin. His fingers were ready to toss it... and then, something inside him paused. A thought. A name. An image.
Ram.
Without warning, his mind was invaded by her. The tone of her voice calling him "idiot," the melancholy glow in her eyes when she thought he wasn't looking, the way her fingers—though trembling—always searched for his in the dark. He wondered, with a cold knot in his stomach, what she would do if she were there. Would she look at him with disdain if it landed tails and he allowed an execution without a true trial? Would she walk away if he was too weak to act on his own? Or would she simply sit in silence, sharing his burden?
The possibilities wrapped around him like bitter fog. Heads... tails... what difference did it make, if he no longer knew what was right?
His fingers trembled slightly. The coin was not thrown. Subaru closed his eyes, then closed his fist around it.
Subaru: No,— he murmured to himself. —Not today."
With a firm step, he turned on his heels, giving his back to the prisoners. Halibel, standing off to the side, said nothing. His calm silhouette was like a silent mountain—contemplative, respecting the storm raging inside Subaru. Cecilus, on the other hand, tilted his head with slight disappointment, lowering his katana.
Cecilus: Huh? That's it? How anticlimactic... and I was looking forward to warming up a bit. Oh well, whatever the Boss says.
Subaru was already walking toward the exit. He didn't look back, didn't repeat his sentence. He simply let the words drop in a dry voice, dragged down by the weight of something greater than justice or rage.
Subaru: I don't feel like deciding anything today. Consider this a postponement. If someday I care, maybe I'll use you as pawns. But for now... you have a chance. Don't waste it.
His steps echoed against the stone slabs as he walked away. And just then, as if fate wanted to mock his indecision, as if the universe itself demanded that judgment couldn't be escaped... the golden coin slipped from between his fingers.
It wasn't a dramatic fall. Just a quiet slip, almost accidental. It bounced off his boot, spun across the floor, and danced for a few seconds in a brief mechanical waltz. Subaru stopped when he heard the sound. He turned his face slightly, as if something inside him had already broken in advance. The coin wobbled one last time... and fell.
〚Tails〛
Subaru didn't think.
He didn't reason.
He didn't hesitate.
He snapped his fingers.
There was no warning.
No time to scream.
The prisoners barely managed to lift their heads before it was all over. A moment later, their heads fell to the ground one after another with a dull, wet thud. Some rolled, bumping into each other like rotten fruit knocked from a sick tree. Blood spread beneath the lifeless bodies, forming a thick, gleaming pool that began to seep between the stones of the floor.
In the center of the carnage, Cecilus straightened naturally, calmly blowing on the edge of his katana. His expression was neither joyful nor regretful—just that of someone who had done what was asked without question.
Cecilus: Phew... that was quick, huh? But what bad luck, I got my chin dirty.— He wiped it with the back of his hand, which still held the blood-dripping katana. Then he looked at it with a crooked smile.— Ah, this one got messier than usual too. What a bother...
The golden coin remained where it had fallen, stained red at the edge, as if it too had been part of the verdict.
Subaru did not look back.
And so ended the judgment of the prisoners.
▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔
Subaru stopped just before crossing the threshold of the exit. The air smelled of stone, of death, of a judgment sealed by chance and executed without mercy. Silence had returned to the chamber. Without fully turning, he cast a sidelong glance at Halibel, whose figure remained impassive in the shadows, as if nothing that had happened had disturbed him in the slightest.
Subaru: Halibel... I want you to go to the scene of this morning's ambush. Check the perimeter, use your instincts. If anyone's been lurking or left a trace... you'll find it. You're the right one for this.
The wolf raised his narrow gaze, tilting his head ever so slightly. No smile or disapproval formed on his lips—only that oceanic calm that never seemed to waver.
Halibel: Understood. I'll handle it.
Subaru gave a single nod, as if that sealed the task. Then his eyes turned to Cecilus, who was now swinging his still-wet katana in his hand like he was playing with a pendulum.
Subaru: Cecilus... tell the maids to clean this up. And get rid of the bodies immediately.
Cecilus: What? No hanging them somewhere for display? Come on, boss, you're a very modest tyrant.
Subaru didn't respond to the joke, but just as he was about to leave, he remembered a detail he knew would completely change the swordsman's mood.
Subaru: By the way... Frederica made a lot of mayonnaise.
The change was immediate.
Cecilus: Mayonnaise!? That sharp-toothed angel knows me too well!
The katana was sheathed with glee, and Cecilus licked his chin shamelessly, as if he'd completely forgotten the massacre he had carried out just moments earlier. The image was grotesque in its contrast, but Subaru didn't look. He had already turned away, and his footsteps echoed over the stone as he left the place behind.
He didn't say goodbye.
He didn't look back.
He just walked.
▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔
The walk to his room wasn't long, but in his head, it felt endless. Each step grew heavier, as if his boots were dragging the bodies he had left behind. The halls of Pandemonium were silent, and the lamplight cast shadows that stretched across the walls like twisted memories.
And as he moved forward, his thoughts began to take shape on his lips.
Subaru: This world... drowns in its own lies. Every smile is a mask, every word a hook. No one speaks the full truth, because truth is a weapon, and everyone fears to bleed. But sooner or later... even the cleverest lies rot. And when they do... they drag down everything they touched.
The coin still rested in his pocket, like a cruel reminder that even when he didn't want to decide, the world forced him to. And every decision had a price.
At last, he reached his room.
The door closed behind him with a soft whisper. The room's dimness was accompanied by pale light seeping through the window, like a warm caress. And there, standing in the center of the room, was her.
Ram.
She was no longer wearing the kimono Halibel had brought her. Instead, she wore something else. Something that struck Subaru's chest with the weight of a memory he thought he'd buried. The classic maid uniform. The same outfit she used to wear in the old Roswaal mansion, back when her hair was shorter and her indifference sharper. But now... her long hair cascaded down her back like a curtain of silk dyed pink, and the uniform, though simple, emphasized her figure with a nostalgia that was almost cruel.
Subaru blinked, as if his mind needed confirmation that he wasn't seeing a ghost.
Subaru: That... that outfit. Why are you wearing that?
Ram: I felt nostalgic. —Her voice was calm, with that hint of sarcasm she couldn't avoid even in her most sincere moments.—I asked Frederica for it. It's not the same, of course... but it's pretty close. I thought... it wouldn't be so bad to remember it a little.
Subaru took a step toward her. Then another.
And before he could say anything more, Ram stepped forward and leaned her body against his.
Not as a plea, nor an apology.
But like someone who simply got tired of pretending they didn't want that contact.
She let herself sink gently onto his chest, and Subaru felt the warmth of her forehead on his collarbone, the brush of her breath against his neck.
Ram: I waited for you... for many hours.
Subaru hugged her.
Without strength, without desperation.
He just held her, as if that gesture alone could stop the world from continuing to collapse outside.
Subaru: I also... waited a long time to see you again.
That night, the King of the Purgation returned to the only place where he still felt something of the man he used to be.
There, in Ram's arms, he believed—if only for a few seconds—that Natsuki Subaru was still alive.
But that was the simple and tragic illusion of a man clinging to a corpse, refusing to accept that perhaps, the dead one...
【was him】
Chapter 9: Shadows That Swear Loyalty
Chapter Text
In the Pandemonium, a room that defined itself, where the silence of dawn was enough to describe it. Outside, the sunrise was just beginning to slip past the edges of the curtains, casting a timid, almost fearful light onto the objects that decorated the scene. Everything seemed paused, frozen in place, as if time itself was unsure whether it should move forward.
At the center of that stillness, the bed —without details or embellishments that might draw attention— gently held the weight of two figures. One thinner, curled into itself, breathing slowly, as if afraid to open their eyes and find it was all a dream. The other, smaller, with light pink hair that stood out against the dimness, had been awake for a while. Both shared a similar posture, lying on their sides, their bodies fitting together more from inertia than intention. Though neither was looking at the other.
Subaru was asleep. He slept with his arms wrapped around Ram, his hands resting gently on the curve of her hips, as if afraid she might vanish if he let go. His face was buried in her hair, breathing through the pink strands like someone clinging to a forgotten memory. His legs had curled up, seeking shelter within himself, as if he still wanted to disappear into a shadow that refused to release him. It was the first time in a long while that his body seemed to rest, even if his soul remained as awake as ever.
Ram, for her part, kept her gaze fixed on the opposite wall. She didn't look at him. Not because she didn't want to, but because she didn't need to. She felt him. Felt his arms, his warm breath brushing against her neck at times, or her back at others, and that annoying yet almost endearing habit she no longer knew how to classify: the idiot was smelling her hair in his sleep. Not once or twice. He did it often, as if his unconscious sought her out even when he couldn't choose to do so.
Ram: Idiot... you're smelling me again.
She whispered softly, more like a verbalized thought than a complaint. Her brow furrowed slightly, annoyed by the familiarity... but not enough to pull away. She didn't stop him, nor did she move the arms holding her. She only turned her face a bit more, feigning indifference, as if it didn't matter to her being trapped in the arms of someone so selfish, so broken... so hers.
Ram: Tch... how annoying... but I guess it's not that terrible either.
A twinge of warmth crossed her chest. She wouldn't admit it, but something inside her softened a little every time she felt that trembling embrace, as if he clung to her to avoid falling deeper. She had told herself many times to keep her distance, that man was a fool, a stubborn idiot... and yet, here she was. Here they both were.
The minutes passed with the slow stillness of dawn, as if the world itself refused to disturb the scene. And suddenly, Subaru murmured in his sleep.
Subaru: Ram... I love you... so much...
The words came out muffled, carried along with the murmur of his breath. It wasn't a dramatic confession or a desperate plea, but rather an admission that seemed to repeat itself over and over in the depths of his subconscious. His arm tightened slightly around Ram's waist, as if afraid that saying it aloud would make her disappear.
Subaru: You're beautiful... even when you ignore me... even when you insult me...
Ram narrowed her eyes, exhaling with irritation. Not because of what she heard, but because of how clumsy and sincere he was, as if he didn't understand what those words stirred in her.
Ram: Talking in your sleep... How long are you going to keep going...?
She was a breath away from turning around and pushing his face away from her neck, not out of anger anymore, but out of a quiet irritation. But in that instant, his voice returned, lower, almost imperceptible, brushing her ear like a whisper.
Subaru: ...I don't want you to disappear again... please... don't...
Ram froze.
It wasn't the phrase itself. It was the tone. The way his words broke like dry leaves between fingers. There was something in that sleeping voice that didn't belong to now, but to before... to long ago. A fragility far too human. As if the boy clinging to her were nothing more than a child afraid of waking up alone.
Ram didn't move. She didn't speak. She just remained there, feeling Subaru's warmth enveloping her. Suddenly, the irritation gave way to another feeling... one she hadn't expected. A slight tremble crossed her chest, and her eyes —indifferent until now— began to fill with a different kind of shine.
And then... she remembered.
A distant place.
Far too cold.
A white ground, covered in snow.
A gray sky, and the silence that only the dead could understand.
The landscape of her memory emerged, wrapped in the whisper of the wind and the crunch of snow.
A silent forest... until the howls of mabeasts tore through the calm.
The whistle of wind magic sliced through the air like an invisible scythe, splitting tree trunks, tearing through bodies. Chunks of flesh and steam from hot blood stained the pristine snow as the beasts fell one by one, consumed by the fury of the pink-haired girl.
Ram, her maid uniform torn at the sides, was breathing heavily as her body swayed. She was bleeding. Her cheek was stained, her leg barely dragging as she moved. But that didn't stop her. She was chasing a figure.
A boy.
Barely a shadow stumbling through the trees. Tripping. Shards of ice clinging to his black hair, and fear stuck to his back. His legs were giving out. And eventually, the forest swallowed him into a snowy clearing where there was nowhere left to run.
His knees gave way. He fell face-first.
The mabeasts, drawn by the scent of his blood, surrounded him in silence. It almost looked like a judgment. On the verge of devouring him... when a voice shattered them.
Ram: Only I have the right to kill him!
The shout echoed like thunder.
And in an instant, gusts of wind ripped through the air. The beasts were mercilessly torn apart, their dismembered bodies rolling across the snow like soulless dolls. There was no mercy. Only rage.
Ram stepped into the clearing, staggering, as if each step cost her a day of her life. Limping, her face hardened by hatred, she approached the boy.
He didn't move.
He was paralyzed. His heart pounding against his chest, the air trapped in his lungs. The sight of that girl, drenched in blood and snow, became monstrous in his eyes. And when she lunged at him, he knew.
He wasn't going to scream.
He wasn't going to call for help.
He was simply...
【going to die】
Ram pushed him to the ground. Her hands, weak but determined, wrapped around his neck. She wasn't choking him: she was crushing him. As if her fingers sought to snap the bone. As if what she wanted wasn't to silence him, but to break him.
The boy was gasping. His hands trembled as he tried to push her away. His mouth spat saliva, unable to swallow air. The snow kept falling, as if nothing in the world mattered.
As if the world had forgotten them.
But then...
Ram's fingers let go. Not out of mercy.
Out of exhaustion.
All the prana spent, all the magic cast... her body collapsed to the side of him, without the strength to even crawl.
Her eyes, still open, stared at the figure rising before her. The boy.
The boy slowly sat up, bruises marking his neck. He was breathing with difficulty, but his hands did not tremble as he picked up a stone the size of a skull. He held it with both hands.
He said nothing.
He just looked at her. That girl who had tried to kill him moments before. The same girl who had chased him through a forest full of death. The one who now, lying in the snow, could do nothing.
And when he raised the stone, the intent clear in his eyes... Ram's voice stopped him.
Ram -weakly-: ...I swear I'll kill you.
The words were barely a whisper.
A promise.
A pact sealed in blood and ice.
And then...
...the sound of a stone striking something echoed through the forest.
▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔
The faint murmur of the boy's breathing was the only sound as Ram returned from the memory—when the snow, the screams, and that stone faded like smoke in her mind.
She turned to look at Subaru, and the gesture left her resting against his chest. Now, more aware, she could clearly perceive the slow, steady cadence of his heartbeat. A rhythm so calm, so peaceful... it seemed to belong to someone else, not the boy who had endured all the wounds of the world and still kept moving forward with a broken gaze.
Without moving much, gently, her eyes rose just a little. The scarf Subaru never took off—that long, orange fabric—fell just below his chin. There, in the shadows between the wrinkled cloth and his pale skin, Ram once again saw the marks. The ones she herself had left.
Her hands. Her own.
Had gripped his neck with the strength of a shattered conviction.
Ram didn't know why Subaru, after she had nearly taken his life, had decided to save hers. He had never explained it. She had never demanded an answer. She simply accepted that absurd mercy that let her live when he could have left her to die as a threat.
Why did he care for her? What purpose had he found in her?
Now she had no sister, not even Roswaal, nor the routine that had once been something she could call home. That life had vanished without even saying goodbye, swept away by screams, blood, and rage.
All that remained was him.
Subaru.
Was it okay to feel warm in his arms?
Was it okay to love him like this... unconditionally?
She had asked herself those questions before, over and over again, without finding comfort. The answer always seemed close, only to vanish again whenever her own thoughts judged her with a severity that not even he had ever shown her.
Her traumas weren't ghosts that simply faded away.
She knew she loved him. She truly loved Subaru. Even if it hurt.
With some effort and gentleness, Ram managed to slip out of his arms, which unconsciously still held onto her as if she might vanish even in a dream. Subaru's body, feeling the absence, shifted slightly, his sleeping expression tensed, and his hands, blind, instinctively searched for where she had just been.
But she was no longer there.
She sat at the edge of the bed, her back straight, her shoulders quiet. She watched him move, unconscious, calling to her without words. It was then that Ram, without hesitation, reached out and placed her hand on his cheek. Soft. Calm. With fingers still warm, she gently stroked that tired, young, and worn-out face.
Subaru seemed to relax at that single gesture. His hands stopped searching, and his breathing returned to its previous rhythm. As if that touch, so minimal, was enough to keep him from sinking.
She withdrew her hand slowly, watching him a few seconds longer. The silence was heavy, but it didn't bother her. It was an intimate silence.
Ram: Idiot —she whispered, her voice sounding softer than she'd intended.
There was no anger in her tone. No mockery, either. Only an old fatigue... and a warmth that could only ever be meant for him.
▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔
Hours later, in one of the Pandemonium's hallways, the echo of soft, measured footsteps slid unhurriedly over the marble.
There, walking with a more relaxed expression than usual, the King of the Purgation seemed to be in a good mood. More than that, his face radiated a warm calm—rare for him—as if, on that day, no decisions weighed on his shoulders, and no names were waiting to be placed on a golden coin.
In his hand, he held another.
A smaller one, with slender fingers and pale skin, resting in his grasp without any sign of resistance.
It was Ram.
Ram: Shouldn't you be in some room, reviewing useless papers?
Subaru: Not today. No urgent reports, no pressing decisions... I just wanted to spend this time with you.
Ram: Hmph. You should feel lucky that Ram is willing to waste her hours on you.
Subaru: I'm not complaining. It's not every day I manage to steal time from the woman who matters most to me.
Ram: And how do you plan to use it? Taking me on a stroll through these hallways?
Subaru: I thought walking aimlessly by your side was already a victory.
Ram: Barusu is still an idiot.
Subaru: Yeah... but one who loves you.
They continued their slow walk, in no rush to reach any destination. The silence between them wasn't uncomfortable. It was a shared pause, a space where words only came when they were needed.
Subaru: And how has this time been for you...? I mean... being here.
Ram: Halibel is someone you can talk to. He's calm, has that old-wolf air that no longer barks at nonsense. I like him. He enjoys liquor the same way I do. Though perhaps he drinks more slowly.
Subaru: Wow, sounds like you got a good impression.
Ram: I wouldn't say we're friends, but... I don't mind his presence. He's useful.
Subaru: I guess that's your way of saying you respect him.
Ram: Don't put words in my mouth. Ram doesn't need to dress hers up to make them more pleasant.
Subaru: You're right.
Ram: And then there's that other one... Cecilus.
Subaru: Ah...
Ram: I don't understand him. He talks like he's acting in a play only he knows. He thinks the world revolves around him and that every conflict is a stage for his monologues. I hate that he calls me princess. I'm not a princess.
Subaru: Cecilus-san... can be a bit stressful, yeah.
Ram: "A bit."
Subaru: But I don't doubt his effectiveness in missions. Though I wouldn't say that out loud if he were nearby.
Ram: You should say it. Maybe that way he'll shut up for five minutes.
Subaru: Is he really that unbearable to you?
Ram: He's not unbearable. He just... exists. Sometimes.
Subaru: I've felt the same.
Ram: You feel that way about everyone, Barusu.
Subaru: ...Not wrong.
Their conversation flowed like the slow current of a night river, with no need to reach any shore just yet. The sound of their steps was the only thread weaving the distance between their words, with the soft echo of their footfalls running through the halls of Pandemonium, which—though familiar—now felt a little quieter beneath the slanting midday light.
Subaru: So... is there anything you want to do today?
Ram didn't respond right away. Her gaze drifted toward an invisible point between the walls as she walked with that serene pace she always carried, as if nothing in the world could truly disturb her.
Ram: I don't know. Whether Barusu is here or not... doesn't change much about my day. —She said it without breaking stride, without even turning to look at him—. But... it's not bad having you nearby.
The phrase—so simple, yet so unexpected—brushed against Subaru's heart with more warmth than any carefully crafted compliment. For a moment, the thoughts that had been gnawing at him faded away like mist under the sun. Without thinking much, he opened his arms, still walking at her side, as if hoping for something.
Subaru: Then... maybe a hug to celebrate?
Ram slightly slowed her pace. Her eyebrow arched just a little as she turned her face toward him with an unmistakably confused expression. Her eyes scanned Subaru's open arms like she couldn't tell whether he was joking or had hit his head.
Ram: What are you...? What exactly are you doing?
Subaru, eyes closed, waited for the contact that never came. When he felt nothing, he slowly opened one eye, arms still stretched out, as if doubting whether the universe had forgotten him.
Subaru: Huh...? Why didn't...?
Ram let out a soft sigh, narrowing her eyes with a mix of pity and mockery.
Ram: Did Barusu really think Ram would hug him like some sweet, loving couple? How disappointing.
Subaru: I just... wanted to hold you for a bit. You did it a few days ago, didn't you?
His voice sounded a little dimmer, as if he already expected rejection but still hoped for an exception.
Ram: That was a moment. Don't expect Ram to be hugging you every two steps. —Her words weren't cold, but they weren't sweet either. The tone was more resigned than hurtful—. It's not my thing. Sometimes, if you look pathetic enough, I might take pity. But don't think it's a habit.
Subaru: I see... even so... I don't mind when you say those things. —He smiled, with a bit of sadness in his eyes, though his voice held a quiet warmth—. Even if they call me the King of the Purge, when I'm with you... that name means nothing. All of this... is because of you.
She looked away, noticing they were approaching a part of the corridor where the light poured in more brightly through one of the windows. Their pace slowed, and their shadows stretched long across the stone floor.
Subaru: All this... is because of your prana infusions. Every time I do it, you're so calm, so serene... and the faces you make sometimes are just so...
Before he could finish the sentence, he felt the air around him shift slightly. He glanced down and met Ram's sharp eyes watching him from the corner of her gaze.
Ram: Shut up.
Subaru: Eh—?
Ram: Don't talk about that. Ram doesn't want to hear how she looks while you're holding her.
Her cheeks had turned just the slightest shade of red—just enough for Subaru to notice. And because of that, he looked away, pretending not to have seen it.
Subaru: ...
Ram: It's embarrassing. Ram doesn't want to imagine the kind of idiotic thoughts running through your head when you do it.
Subaru: I'm sorry, I'm sorry... I just thought it was something nice... well, not nice, more like... important... and—
Ram: You're making it worse.
Subaru: I'll stop! I swear!
She shook her head softly, though there was no real trace of anger on her face. Instead, a resigned sigh escaped her lips—the kind she only gave when Subaru said or did something so foolish there was no fixing it.
Their steps continued through the hallways of the Pandemonium, without words or need for direction. Their pace was steady, as if they already knew the way without needing to look. There was something mechanical in it, yet comfortable. There was no need to comment on their surroundings; what mattered came when a figure appeared in the distance, emerging from a side corridor.
Frederica.
The half-human with feline eyes stopped immediately, as if her instincts alone had sensed an imminent threat. And it wasn't an exaggeration.
Before her, walking calmly beside a pink-haired girl, was the man now known to all as the King of the Purge.
Frederica's heart didn't skip a beat, but it did pound harder. That figure, with lifeless eyes and a serene gait, carried the weight of an executioner cloaked in calm. And his reputation... was not mere rumor.
She bowed instantly, a gesture meant to mask what she truly felt: a mix of fear and a strange guilt, as if her body still remembered the last judgment she had survived—thanks only to a coin tossed into the air.
—There was no error in her expression. It was genuinely servile, though under constant pressure. Her hands, crossed before her, did not tremble, but they were far too tense.
Just when it seemed the King's presence would pass her by without a word, she heard his voice.
Subaru: Join us.
There was no need to look at her. He didn't turn his head. He simply said it, in a tone so flat it left no room for interpretation.
Frederica blinked once.
There was no trace of hostility in his voice, yet the weight of his words was absolute. It wasn't a command. It was a sentence disguised as a suggestion—the kind of request one simply does not refuse... because refusal simply wasn't an option.
Ram showed no reaction. Neither displeasure nor agreement. She merely kept walking, as if she knew the outcome was inevitable.
And Frederica, though she did not understand the reason, already knew the answer from the moment the words were spoken.
She had no choice.
With a soft voice, barely above a whisper, she answered as she rose.
Frederica: As you wish, Master...
Her steps joined theirs without disturbing the rhythm. She followed behind, not yet knowing if she was a witness, an assistant, or simply part of the background of a scene she did not yet comprehend.
But one thing she did know: one does not deny the King what he asks.
And though her back remained straight, her mind had already begun to brace for the weight of the unknown.
Yet what happened next was not what she feared.
During the time she walked beside them—how long, she wouldn't be able to say—Frederica received no orders, no threats. What she found was silence... and something else. Something she hadn't expected. She observed—without meaning to at first—the man whose name alone was enough to stir panic. The King of the Purge, they said. The man capable of cutting lives short with a will as arbitrary as fate itself.
And yet...
The way he sometimes walked, dragging his steps slightly when there was nothing urgent to do. The way he paused just a little longer when Ram spoke. That faint glimmer in his eyes when he looked at her, the barely-there smile he reserved only for her. It wasn't what she had imagined. And if it was a mask, then it was the most perfect one she had ever seen.
More than once, Frederica heard him call her "Ram," with no honorifics, no authority, no distance. And Ram... Ram scolded him without reserve. "Idiot," "pathetic," "beyond saving." Words that, from any other mouth, would have meant a death sentence. And yet, he accepted them as if they were caresses.
It was unsettling.
All the more so because these weren't rumors for her, nor secondhand reports. She had seen it. She had witnessed, more than once, how the members of his personal guard—warriors of absurd strength, feared even among veterans of Vollachia and Kararagi—carried out orders without hesitation, with an efficiency that left no room for error... or mercy. They were individuals whose strength served as law, whose judgment left only a trail of blood. Under the King of the Purge's command, acts of brutality had been committed that were hard even to imagine. He did not issue punishments through long speeches or trials: a single coin toss was enough to decide if someone lived or died. Chance—cruel, indifferent chance—was his only justice.
That man—the same one walking beside her—did not seem to match that image.
And yet, he was the one.
Had Ram's presence awakened that other side of him? Or perhaps he had always been like that, simply hidden beneath layers of desperation and rage? Frederica didn't have an answer, and that unsettled her more than any direct threat could have.
She watched him in silence, trying to decipher him and failing, while something unexplainable grew inside her — a discomfort difficult to name: a fear not of the monster everyone dreaded, but of the fact that such a monster could laugh so quietly. And that someone —someone like Ram— could return that smile, even if only with tired sighs or biting words.
But there came a moment when even Ram seemed to have had enough.
Ram: I'm going to rest.
She said it in her usual way: dry and unceremonious, as if she didn't even expect permission. The King of the Purge simply nodded, accepting it without a word, while the oni's figure faded into the hallways, as if she were melting into the shadows she knew so well.
And then, Frederica was left alone with him.
The change was immediate.
That relaxed expression, with the faintest trace of a smile on his lips, gradually faded. Like a mask no longer needed. What emerged in its place was a serious, impenetrable gaze... familiar. The same one he had worn the first time she saw him carry out an order without blinking. A gaze that had no room for humor, nor for mistakes.
He straightened with a slowness that felt deliberate. As if each of his movements carried an invisible, lethal weight. The silence became dense, heavy, uncomfortable. As if the very air refused to flow freely between them.
And then, he looked at her.
It wasn't a passing glance. Not the distracted attention of someone thinking about something else. It was direct, fixed — piercing.
A chill ran down Frederica's spine.
A drop of sweat slid down her temple, while her mind began constructing possible scenarios, each darker than the last. Her jaw tensed. Her heart pounded in her chest, as if trying to warn her of something her reason had yet to fully grasp.
And then, she heard him say her name:
Subaru: Frederica.
His voice was neither loud nor aggressive. It was calm. Too calm. And that was exactly what terrified her.
She didn't know what would come next. And that not knowing —that tense, unbroken suspense— was worse than any shout or threat. The silence after her name was an abyss, into which every thought fell without end.
Since that day —that day when he, the King of the Purge, let her strike him without lifting a hand in return— they had exchanged only what was necessary. Short orders. Brief instructions. Nothing more. Never again. Until now.
But this time... this time felt different.
She had the bitter certainty that something was about to change.
Her throat closed against her will. Her posture remained upright through sheer instinct, but her hands —hidden at her sides— trembled slightly. Almost imperceptibly, but undeniably.
Because this was not a man who spoke without reason.
If he was breaking the silence now, it could mean nothing good.
Subaru: You've seen it, haven't you?
His voice tore through the air like a knife through cloth. It wasn't a question, not really. It sounded more like a confirmed statement, a verdict that didn't need an answer. Frederica swallowed, her throat feeling full of sand.
Subaru: You've had more than enough time to observe me... when I'm with her.
He didn't need to say her name. They both knew exactly who he meant.
Subaru: I suppose it's only natural that you'd be confused. That you'd doubt what you're capable of understanding.
As he spoke, there wasn't a single change in his tone. Every word came out measured, steady, without the slightest hint of emotion. And yet, it was precisely that unwavering steadiness that rattled her most.
Subaru: So let me make something clear.
His steps moved a little closer. Not enough to be called a direct threat... but just enough to make his presence heavier, more oppressive. The hallway's dim light cast long shadows across his face, highlighting the unsettling symmetry of an expression without anger, but also without mercy.
Subaru: That world you see when I'm with her... is all I have left.
A pause. A barely audible sigh. As if he were voicing a truth too heavy even for him to carry.
Subaru: The only thing I have. The only thing I ever wanted to protect. So...
His eyes found hers — steady, unfathomable — and suddenly, the air turned colder. Heavier. The atmosphere itself seemed to drain of all color.
Subaru: If anyone dares to interfere with that world... they won't have a quick death. Don't even imagine something so merciful.
A silence fell like a slab of stone. His words didn't rise, didn't echo. They sank, one by one, like stones dropped into a dark lake. But each one sent out invisible ripples that echoed in her chest.
Frederica felt her breathing grow uneven.
It wasn't just fear that coursed through her. It was something older, more primal: the instinct to survive, that alarm her half-human blood screamed with every beat of her heart. Her gaze quivered. Not because he had threatened her with shouting or violent gestures — but because he hadn't needed to.
Because he meant it.
And the worst part was... he could do it.
She knew it. She had seen it. She had witnessed scenes others could scarcely imagine as distant nightmares. She had felt the pressure, the unbreakable judgment carried out with nothing more than the flip of a coin. She had seen bodies dragged away, muffled screams, pleading eyes fading without resistance. And all of it, with the very same expression he now wore in front of her.
But then, as if untying some invisible knot, he spoke again.
Subaru: I didn't call you here to rub anything in your face.
The statement was so unexpected that Frederica blinked.
She couldn't help it. Her eyes widened slightly, her posture shifted in a new kind of tension. A reflexive reaction — as if someone had gently pushed her away from the edge of the abyss... just when she had resigned herself to falling.
A slight tremble passed over her lips, unable to form a single word. Her mind wavered between the previous tension and this sudden shift in his intent. She didn't understand what he was after — and that, again, was the most terrifying part.
Not because he had said it kindly.
But because it was impossible to tell whether what followed would be relief... or something far worse.
Subaru: I brought you here because I want you.
The words were so direct that, for an instant, her mind simply... stopped. The hallway seemed to narrow, time stretched between breaths, and her heartbeat thundered in her ears so loudly she almost thought she had misheard him.
"What...?" she tried to say, but her throat wouldn't respond. Her jaw barely moved, and all that came out was a faint sound — as soft as the flutter of an insect trapped inside a lamp.
Subaru: I've been thinking about you since that day.
His tone didn't change. No warmth. No mockery. Just the stillness of someone in complete control. He spoke as if talking about the weather... and yet every word sank into her bones like cold rain.
Subaru: When you hit me, when you left me bleeding. And still... you didn't try to run. You didn't beg for your life.
The image of that day replayed in her mind with cruel clarity. The moment when, with trembling yet steady hands, she dared to raise her fists against him. An act that should have sealed her fate... and yet, here he was. Speaking to her. Without anger.
Subaru: I figured it was just desperation... but later, I thought better of it.
He turned toward her then. Not with aggression — with calm. His eyes sought hers with a dull intensity, as if he weren't observing her, but measuring something inside her.
Subaru: You're strong.
A compliment. Raw. Direct. No sugar. No frills.
Subaru: Too strong. Stronger than you should be... for what you do here.
His words began to carry a different weight. A strange rhythm, almost hypnotic. Frederica felt something tighten in her chest. She couldn't tell if it was pride, confusion, or simple emotional vertigo.
Subaru: The ability to transform... that raw strength within you, your blood, your heritage... it's extraordinary. And yet, here you are. Cleaning floors. Serving dishes. Pretending to be small. Pretending to be less.
His hands remained still at his sides, but his voice... his voice filled the entire hallway.
Subaru: You weren't made for these jobs.
A statement, not a suggestion. As if only he could see what others never did.
Subaru: With me... you could be more. You could grow. Become what you truly are. And your family would be safe. As safe as anyone could imagine. You'd never have to worry about that coin again.
Frederica felt a shiver crawl down her spine. The words "your family" echoed with painful clarity. He didn't emphasize them. He didn't raise his voice. But the mere fact that he had said them... that he knew which words to press — it made her skin crawl.
And the worst part was... it never once sounded like a threat.
Not openly, at least. It sounded more like... a pact. A promise. A glimpse of something possible.
Her gaze shifted slightly, as if looking directly at him might pull her deeper into something she hadn't yet defined. Her shoulders stayed tense, her breathing measured. A subtle vertigo began to settle in her chest, and she wasn't sure if it came from fear... or from a silent spark of hope she couldn't trace the origin of.
"Never see that coin again...?" she thought.
That coin — the one that had spun so many times over that man's palm with chilling indifference. That coin which had decided fates without a blink, without room for begging or redemption. Her life, and others', anyone's — reduced to a toss. Heads or tails. And now he was telling her she'd never have to see it again. Never wait for the sound of metal falling, the verdict of chance.
Subaru: You don't have to answer now.
His voice was low, but so clear it cut through every thought. As if it slipped between the gaps of silence that formed between one heartbeat and the next.
Subaru: But think about them. About what you'd do if someone tried to hurt them. About what you'd be willing to give up... so no one ever touches them again.
And the image of her brother flashed through her mind like lightning. She thought of her grandmother.
An idea took hold — slowly, but firmly: What if this was... a way out?
Subaru: With you, everything can be different. You can choose something more than serving.
She looked at him again and found an expression impossible to decipher. His eyes weren't warm. Nor were they cold. They were... steady. Unmoving. As if what he was saying wasn't a proposal, but a truth. As if he had no doubt she would eventually come to understand it.
Subaru: I don't want broken pieces. I don't want slaves or servants. I want allies. I want people with power... with will. And you have it.
His choice of words didn't seem random, and yet she couldn't point to any of them as dangerous. None as wicked. They were well-woven phrases, and she found herself listening to them with a kind of attention she hadn't asked for. As if they were drops of water falling onto parched earth.
"Ally?" she thought. No one had ever called her that. Servant, yes. But ally. There was a different nuance to that word — one that brushed against dignity, equality, even... trust.
Subaru: Here, no one can promise you a future. But I can give you something real: a present where you don't have to be afraid. Where you don't have to carry all that silence alone.
Frederica tensed. How could he sound so certain? How could he know what to say, in what tone, at the exact right moment? He wasn't pressuring her. He wasn't raising his voice. He was simply planting seeds. Words that were taking root in a soil she hadn't known had become so fertile.
That sense of vertigo returned, crawling up her spine. She felt the muscles in her neck tighten, and barely noticed she had started gently biting her lower lip. A small sign of anxiety. Or doubt. Or something breaking quietly inside her.
Subaru: The only thing I ask of you, Frederica... is that you think it over.
Her name, on his lips. So clear. So precise. Not with scorn. Not with condescension. Just... with a strange kind of respect. As if he were granting it new weight, a different identity. A woman of worth. A strength worthy of being released, not repressed.
And for a moment — just one — Frederica thought that maybe... maybe it wasn't a lie. That perhaps what stood before her wasn't a trap, but a door.
A faint part of herself —the one not yet fully drowned in suspicion or caution— began to listen more closely.
She lifted her gaze, just slightly. Not enough to meet his eyes directly, but enough to confirm he was still there. Still. Unchanging. The same figure wrapped in shadow and certainty who needed no threats, no shouting, to fill a space with his will. Something in his presence made the air feel heavier.
▌The nature of silence doesn't lie in the absence of words, but in the soul's readiness to hear them.
The one who keeps quiet doesn't always obey. But the one who listens... has already begun to lean.
She wondered whether what held her back was fear... or desire. Not for him, but for what he said. For what he promised. She couldn't name it clearly, but her body was already responding differently. Shoulders once held firm now began to sag, as if tension were yielding to another force—deeper, closer to surrender.
▌The will doesn't break with a single blow. It yields slowly, like the shoreline before the tide. What strength cannot achieve, persistence accomplishes.
And in the repetition of a gentle voice, doubt turns into comfort.
Her gaze slipped down to her own hands. They had trembled before—when receiving orders, when driven by the coin, when obeying chance. But now they were still. Empty. As if they no longer held an imposed task, but a yet-unshaped possibility.
▌Human beings aren't born to serve, but they learn to when serving becomes the only way to survive.
The danger comes when, suddenly, serving no longer feels humiliating. But safe.
Safety. That word rang in her head like a bell. He had promised that. For her family. For her. He didn't speak of punishment, or reward. He didn't mention blood, or threats. He only said they would be safe. What mother wouldn't want that? What sister wouldn't accept it?
▌Love is the fairest of chains. And when someone promises to protect what you love... the mind finds reasons to justify itself.
The wolf doesn't force its way in. It disguises itself as a lamb.
The King of the Purge remained silent. He didn't move. He didn't press. He only waited. As if he knew the words had already done their work. As if he trusted—no, as if he knew—that the human soul cannot resist the idea of no longer being afraid for too long.
▌A decision doesn't always come from conviction. Sometimes, it only takes growing tired of the weight of resisting.
And if someone extends a hand in the midst of exhaustion... even hell can look like a truce.
Frederica felt something slip inside her. Like a fine crack that didn't hurt, but announced the break. This isn't surrender, she told herself. It's not weakness. It was common sense. It was logic. It was—just as he'd said—thinking of her own.
▌The human mind even rationalizes its chains. It gives them beautiful names, like duty, purpose, or salvation. Because accepting the cage hurts less than seeing that you're inside one.
She raised her head at last. Their eyes met. He wasn't smiling. Nor did he show urgency. It was a calm face—almost sorrowful—as if what he offered wasn't a triumph, but a shared necessity.
And then, without a single word leaving her lips, without even a gesture to seal the decision, something inside Frederica gave way. Like a wall sliding down in silence. Like a door that, suddenly, opened on its own from within.
She was no longer evaluating him.
She was no longer trying to resist.
She had already accepted it.
▌Sometimes, surrender doesn't come with tears or promises. It comes with the silence of someone who, without knowing how, stopped fighting.
And in that silence... true submission begins.
Frederica said nothing for several seconds.
The weight of the decision she had just made still floated over her shoulders, like an invisible mantle she could no longer remove. Slowly, she brought a hand to her chest and stepped forward, lowering her head until her golden strands completely hid her expression.
Frederica: ...I accept.
Her voice was low, formal, but as clear as a bell underwater. There was no doubt, no hesitation. Not even the tension from before lingered in her now-lowered face. It was the voice of someone who would no longer turn back.
Silence held for a few seconds.
And then, the King of the Purge smiled faintly. A subtle line formed on his lips, barely perceptible, as if true satisfaction wasn’t something he allowed himself to show fully.
Subaru: I chose well.
He didn’t say it aloud. He didn’t need to. The words slipped out like a thought, soft and barely audible... as if he were speaking to himself. Yet Frederica heard it. And that murmur sealed the pact.
Subaru: Then, Frederica Baumann...
The tone changed. No longer that of a man offering a way out, but of a sovereign delivering an order. A truth that could not be debated.
Subaru: I will entrust you with the most precious thing I have in this world.
Ram.
Frederica lifted her gaze. Her green eyes blinked, surprised, but they didn’t question.
Subaru: Her safety will be your only priority. Where she is, you will be. Where she walks, you will be her shadow. And if anything dares to touch her...
A second of pause.
There was no threat in his voice, nor any need for one.
Only a certainty that bordered on the absolute.
Subaru: ...Then, you’ll know what will happen.
Frederica: Understood, Master. I won’t fail you.
It was the first time she called him that.
“Master.”
Not with nervousness, nor fear.
But with a conviction born from the weight of everything that could no longer be changed.
Subaru nodded slowly, his eyes watching her with a mix of scrutiny and acceptance. He said nothing more.
But then, without warning, the door at the end of the hall opened with a sharp sound.
A slight breeze slipped in, carrying the soft shuffle of sandals dragged with nonchalance.
They were the King of the Purge’s bodyguards.
Cecilus: Well, looks like we arrived just in time for something important.
Cecilus Segmunt was the first to speak, entering with his usual carefree expression, arms folded behind his head as if he’d merely gone for a walk. His smile held no malice, but there was a playful glint in it—the kind of look that concealed more than it revealed.
Beside him, Halibel—tall, serene, with his eyes half-closed as always—followed in silence. His gaze briefly moved between Frederica, still in a reverent posture, and Subaru, then calmly returned to the front. His presence, though quiet, always imposed a strange sense of order, as if everything around him arranged itself just by virtue of him being there.
Both stopped at the threshold, like two familiar shadows that needed no introduction or explanation.
Halibel was the first to speak, his deep and calm tone filling the room without raising his voice:
Halibel: Apologies for the interruption... but we’ve received reports of a group affiliated with the organization. Their movements haven’t gone unnoticed. I’d like to know what the decision will be regarding them.
His half-lidded eyes settled naturally on Subaru, waiting for an answer without urgency, but with the certainty that the matter was not trivial.
Beside him, Cecilus raised an eyebrow, his smile more restrained than usual.
Cecilus: With a bit of luck, they’ll make this fun —he murmured, not looking at anyone in particular, as if speaking to himself while turning an invisible ring on his finger.
Subaru moved without delay. No grand words or dramatic gestures—just a step forward, and then another, walking toward them with a firm, measured stride.
Subaru: I’ll take care of it now —he said, his voice low and clear, leaving no room for doubt.
Halibel and Cecilus followed him without further questions. The group began to move down the corridor, the echo of their steps blending with the soft sound of the half-open door.
But just before disappearing into the shadows of the hallway, Subaru slightly lowered his head and glanced over his shoulder at Frederica.
She, still in the same place, lifted her gaze just a little, as if she had been waiting for that gesture.
Halibel also turned his head, and Cecilus mimicked the movement with a touch of idle curiosity.
Subaru: I expect many things from you.
▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔
A man was running. Stumbling.
His breath came in ragged gasps, slicing through the cold air with desperation, and the snow beneath his feet offered no stability—only a treacherous white that made him slip with every erratic stride. His cloak, torn and stained, flapped behind him like a poorly raised flag of surrender.
He looked back.
His eyes saw no one, but his body trembled as if death's breath were already brushing the back of his neck.
And then, without even hearing the step, a line sliced through the air in front of him.
Blood spurted in a dull little arc, and his expression froze mid-scream. The blade had passed cleanly through him, so fast his mind took a few seconds to register he was already dead.
His body folded forward and dropped with a wet crunch onto the stained snow.
Cecilus: Haah... and here I thought at least one of them would put up a fight. What a disappointment.
The young man with blue hair spun his katana as if shaking off his boredom with the same motion that scattered the blood. His eyes, though calm, wandered the surroundings as if searching for something—anything—that might prove distracting. Something worth the effort.
Cecilus: In the end, the only fun thing about all this was having the boss along.
His tone was more lighthearted than mocking, without true irony. Just a kind of truth spoken with casual ease. Without looking at anyone in particular, he let the words drift toward the man standing next to him.
Subaru, his eyes fixed on one of the still-warm corpses lying in the snow, didn’t look back at him.
Subaru: Was that the last one?
His voice, dull and disinterested, blended with the faint whisper of wind descending the hills, stirring small white eddies between the lifeless bodies.
Halibel, a few steps away, slightly lifted his head, observing the tracks in the snow.
Halibel: Yes. They were a bit slippery... but nothing truly troublesome.
The silence that followed was almost respectful. The kind that settles after a cleanup. The air was cold, dense, filled with a metallic scent that the snow couldn’t conceal.
Only then did the scene come fully into focus.
Bodies lay scattered between the nearby bushes and the cobbled path, some still staring skyward, as if waiting for an answer that would never come. The red stains grew slowly over the snow, tainting its pristine white with a brutality as common as it was inevitable.
Subaru observed them for a moment longer, with no visible emotion, no judgment in his gaze. Only the faint reflection of his own silhouette in the nearest pool of blood.
Subaru: They sold their principles for a handful of coins. Valued money more than their own lives.
He closed his eyes for a brief moment, and when he opened them again, his voice was just a touch quieter.
Subaru: Fools.
The word faded into the air, carried off by the dawn breeze beginning to rise on the horizon. The blood on the snow had already started to coagulate, growing darker, heavier. As if even death itself were beginning to freeze in that remote corner of the world.
There had been twelve of them. Men and women, some young, others bearing old scars. All were part of a small infiltrated cell from the Pleiades organization that had tried to operate independently. The plan had been simple: sell the location of Pandemonium to an unknown third party in exchange for gold. Enough gold to flee the continent if things went well. Enough to never fear anyone again.
But they had been caught before the deal could be made.
Halibel: What should we do with the bodies?
His voice, deep and resonant, carried naturally through the snow. The wolf demihuman showed no discomfort, but there was a faint trace of duty in his tone. He already knew Subaru likely had an answer—but asked anyway, like someone following a learned custom.
Subaru: Leave them. They're garbage. The only thing they’re good for… is to serve as a warning.
He didn’t say it with anger or disdain. It was more like someone looking at a pile of rubble after a demolition, deciding it wasn’t even worth the effort to sweep away. What mattered had already broken—what remained held no value.
Cecilus: He’s right. Though if you weren’t so busy with other matters in Pandemonium... we’d probably have finished sooner.
Cecilus’s smile widened just slightly, but there was no mockery in his tone—only a raw sort of familiarity. His eyes gleamed with their usual mischievous glint, though the comment was more observation than complaint.
Subaru: You’re not wrong. But I don’t regret it.
The words came slowly, deliberately, as if Subaru weighed each one before letting it fall. He didn’t offer any explanations, didn’t mention Ram or what he had done for her. But in his eyes, in that dim light still burning within, it was clear something important had taken root there—something only he could fully understand.
Cecilus: Ah, right. You were supposed to visit that half-elf girl today, weren’t you? Did you?
His tone stayed light, like someone commenting on the weather or remembering a missed appointment.
Subaru: No. And to be honest... I don’t really care anymore whether I do or not.
...
The response was dry. So simple, so blunt, it seemed to carry no weight at all.
The snow crunched beneath their feet, and the world, slowly growing clearer, began to glow with the first traces of dawn. The sun’s rays started to pierce the leaden sky, tinting the edges of the clouds with pale gold.
Subaru: We’ve stayed longer than planned. It’s time to head back.
And then Subaru took a step forward… and faltered.
It lasted only a second. A blink. But his leg gave out, his weight collapsed, and his body tilted forward without resistance.
Before he could hit the ground, a firm arm caught him with precision.
Halibel: ...
The wolf caught him by the shoulder with a natural ease that spoke of experience. His face showed no tension, just a neutral expression as he held him upright with one hand.
Subaru didn’t react.
His head had tilted slightly to the side, his breathing slow and steady… and his eyes were completely closed.
Cecilus: …Did… did he fall asleep?
Halibel: Maybe he’s just tired. He’s been moving all night… and thinking. More than he’d ever admit.
Cecilus: Huh… I guess even the boss needs sleep now and then.
His tone wasn’t mocking, just genuinely surprised.
Halibel held him with both arms, as if carrying something precious—not just a sleeping body. Subaru was completely spent, his breathing so calm it barely moved his chest. His forehead rested gently against the demihuman’s firm shoulder, and his relaxed expression seemed detached from the chaos he had left behind.
Cecilus stepped closer with soft footsteps, placing a hand on his hip as he studied him curiously.
Cecilus: He’s got pretty eyelashes… and asleep, he kinda looks like a little kid.
A faint, lopsided smile formed on his lips—devoid of irony or sarcasm. Just a gentle surprise, as if seeing Subaru like this was a new and unexpected discovery.
Halibel: You're right... he does look like a sleeping child.
His words were calm, almost warm, and his gaze remained fixed on Subaru’s peaceful face. There was no edge to his voice, only a quiet acceptance, as if the image before him—the child hidden behind the mask of the King—was a truth that could only be seen in moments like this.
Silence fell for a few moments. The snow kept drifting down slowly, starting to cover parts of the bodies, muffling the blood beneath its white hush. Yet neither Halibel nor Cecilus looked away from the young man resting in the wolf’s arms.
Cecilus: Makes me want to wake him up.
The remark held no malice, but his fingers twitched with a small, mischievous intent.
Halibel: Ce-san, don’t. Let him rest… he probably needs it more than he’s willing to admit.
Cecilus: ...
Halibel: He’s carried enough today, don’t you think? Su-san deserves at least a couple of hours without the weight.
Cecilus lowered his hand with a faint, theatrical sigh—though the smile never left his face.
Cecilus: Fine, fine... no bothering the boss.
The sky was beginning to tint with soft orange. The snow, the bodies, the frozen air—everything seemed to hold still, as if paying quiet respect to that fleeting moment.
And in the arms of his silent guardian... Su-san slept, like a small child.
▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔
▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔
(Bye)
Regulus (Chibi, I think): Ahem... You! Yes, you, you repugnant being who dares to lay eyes on me with such shamelessness. Do you even know who you're dealing with? I am Regulus Corneas, the Sin Archbishop of Greed, bearer of absolute and unshakable justice. And as such, I demand—no, I declare—that my rights be acknowledged with the solemnity they deserve. I have the inalienable right to be looked upon with respect. Not with those idiotic eyes that gaze at me as if I were some sort of adorable spectacle. I am not! This tiny size is a temporary affront to my greatness, an artistic representation that in no way diminishes the vastness of my authority. I have the right to speak without interruption. Do you think you can silence me with your laughter? Ha! The mere act of laughing at my appearance is a direct violation of my dignity, my status, and the universal justice I represent. I have the right to be loved by my wives—with absolute devotion, without hesitation, without condition. And I have the right to correct them if ever, in their ignorance, they dare to act on their own. That is not violence, it is responsibility—one I bear with the seriousness of someone who carries the divine will of what is right. I have the right not to be judged, for my actions are beyond the judgment of mortals. You? You, judge me? Please. You can't even manage your own pathetic life. Who are you to question someone who has never made a single mistake in his entire existence? I have the right to be upset. Yes, upset! Because I have been caricatured, minimized, and presented in a ridiculous format that does not do justice to my true essence. This is a mockery! An outrage! An unforgivable wound to my pride! So listen well, shameless little reader: You are not simply observing a character. You are bearing witness to the very embodiment of reason, of rights, of absolute righteousness. And if you have even a shred of decency in that defective mind of yours, you will apologize immediately. Come now, kneel and ask for forgiveness! I may grant it to you... if I feel like it!
Chapter 10: The price of staying alive
Chapter Text
Along a stone path partially covered by the recent snowfall, several figures moved forward. The mist hanging in the air, stirred by the biting cold, made it difficult to tell exactly how many there were. Even so, their robes stood out: dark, almost black, with grayish tones that blurred as they moved.
Among them, if one looked closely, three others could be seen. They too wore robes, but theirs were white with lighter gray hues. Their steps were different, more restrained. They didn't mingle with the rest, walking a few paces apart.
The sound of snow yielding under their footsteps was the only thing breaking the silence. With each step, the scene ahead began to reveal itself: swords half-buried in the snow, broken arrows scattered across the ground, fallen daggers—many with dried blood encrusted on the blade. It wasn't a wide battlefield, but it was clearly a place where violence had been swift and deadly.
The hooded figures in black robes came to a halt. One knelt to lift a splintered helmet; another lightly nudged a broken spear with his foot. They didn't speak to each other, but their actions were methodical, as if they already knew what to look for. They examined footprints, gauged distances with their eyes, observed the direction in which the weapons had fallen.
As they moved on, the bodies began to appear. At least a dozen. Some were completely covered in snow, others still had part of their faces exposed, eyes open and staring into nothing. One had his throat nearly severed; another bore dry burns across his robe, as if something had scorched him before death.
Farther ahead, an improvised encampment: thick blankets spread over crates and low structures, resembling a watch post or waiting station. Nothing of value remained there. No documents, no notes, no trace of the objective that had brought that group together. Only empty structures. Even the backpacks were open and devoid of contents.
The hooded ones in black began to search the corpses with mechanical movements. They checked pockets, opened clothing, searched inside boots, but took nothing. They seemed more intent on confirming that, indeed, no trace remained of whatever had been planned at that site.
The three figures in white robes kept their distance. One took only a few steps forward before stopping again. They watched in silence. One of them trembled slightly, though not from the cold. His clenched hands gripped the edge of his robe as he stared at the disfigured bodies. Another kept his head lowered, his face completely hidden beneath his hood.
The wind dragged the snow along, and the cold had begun to stiffen the bodies. The bloodstains had darkened, and the skin was turning pale and brittle.
And still, no one spoke.
Until one of the black-robed figures, further ahead than the rest, stopped in front of the empty camp. His posture was upright. His hands, hidden within his sleeves, didn't move. Only then did he speak, with a calm, dry voice, free of hesitation.
???: We arrived too late.
The comment didn't sound disappointed. It was a simple observation, like noting the ground is wet after seeing it has rained.
Another hooded figure, walking beside him, glanced at him briefly before speaking.
Man: What do we do now?
The one with the dry voice didn't answer immediately. He turned his head to survey the surroundings—observing the positions of the bodies, the layout of the camp, and the traces that hinted at what had once been a wait. After a few seconds, he spoke.
???: We leave no trace.
His voice remained steady.
???: Burn everything.
No one asked any questions. One by one, they began to move. They gave the corpses one final search, gathering any scraps of wood or cloth that could feed the fire. They made sure to leave the place as if nothing had ever happened there.
Without warning, one of the white-robed figures approached, crossing the thin curtain of smoke beginning to rise among the bodies. His steps were rigid, his boots sinking slightly into the hardened snow. He stopped just a few steps from the man who had given the order.
Man in white: You're really going to burn it all? You truly didn't find anything useful?
???: This place is already lost. We checked every corner. They took everything... though I must admit, they were meticulous. Not even a note, not a single mark left behind.
The voice of the man in the black robe was firm, dry, unwavering. There was no frustration in his words—only the certainty of a cold, final assessment.
Man in white: So... this was all a waste of time?
???: You could say that. After all, we weren't the ones who caused this. These people died out of sheer stupidity... Pulling the strings of a dangerous organization that was suicide.
The knight clicked his tongue, his breath mixing with the icy vapor escaping his lips.
Man in white: So what now? We just leave empty-handed?
???: Exactly. We leave without a trace. It's the smartest choice. If those people are still lingering nearby, we won't make it out alive. Use your head, idiot.
Man in white: Do you realize what that organization represents?! It's a direct threat to the Kingdom! A disease that must be purged! And if the ones who came here were mere subordinates, we can capture them... interrogate them... squeeze the truth out of them!
The black-hooded man slowly turned his face, revealing just part of a cheek smudged with ash. His voice dropped slightly, but each word struck with the precision of a dagger.
???: They weren't mere subordinates. I know that for certain... because that being told me so.
His eyes shifted to the left. With a small motion of his chin, he pointed in that direction. The man in white followed the gesture, turning his body slightly, cautiously.
There, between two rocks partially covered in frost, a small animal watched them in silence. It didn't move. It didn't shiver. It simply stared at them, as if it understood every word.
???: And let me make something clear. Our cause is the same as yours: the stability of Lugunica. But while you serve under the Kingdom's shining banner with codes and rules we handle what must never come to light. What must be erased.
The knight took a step back. Not out of fear, but because the reply had been so direct, so sharp, that it left him without an immediate answer. For a second, silence returned between them, broken only by the crackle of wood beginning to burn behind them.
???: In the end, Knight of Lugunica... we serve the same purpose.
And in that moment, the other man understood—he had no argument to counter him.
☰☰☰☰☰☰☰☰☰☰☰☰☰☰☰☰☰☰☰☰☰☰☰☰☰☰☰☰☰☰☰☰☰☰☰☰☰☰☰☰
PANDEMONIUM
The hallways of the Pandemonium stretched out like a gut of stone and echoes. Snow lashed the outer walls, but inside, only a dry warmth remained.
Halibel walked calmly, his stride firm yet silent, carrying Subaru as if he were nothing more than a poorly folded coat. The boy's body weighed nothing to him, though the streaks of dried blood and dirt made him look like a rag used in the midst of war.
Cecilus, arms crossed and chin held high, followed with an ambiguous expression—half boredom, half curiosity.
Cecilus: Do you think the boss snores?
Halibel: I've never heard him sleep to know. But if he does, he hides it well.
Cecilus: What a shame. I'd hoped he'd do it with style... like a beast or something.
Halibel: I see your standards for admiration are quite... particular.
Cecilus: I'm not impressed by just anyone. Still, gotta admit it he may collapse like a sack, but he always manages to leave an impression. That's why I follow him so loyally, don't you think, Halibel-san?
Halibel nodded with a faint smile.
They turned into a narrower hallway, where the stone walls closed in. At the end, a dim orange light marked the way to the assigned rooms.
Cecilus: Though I don't really get what's on his mind lately. He gets weird when he's with the princess.
Halibel: Weird?
Cecilus: Well... quieter. Softer, you could say like someone dulled the edge of the katana he used to be.
Halibel: I wouldn't say he's gone soft. It's more like... you can see he's tired. Like he's starting to understand he can't do it all alone.
Cecilus: And isn't that the same as going soft?
Halibel: Not necessarily. Some people just learn they're not made of stone, that's all.
Cecilus scoffed with a crooked smile. They passed by a short stone column where an empty suit of armor rested. The swordsman gave it a glance.
Cecilus: Sometimes I wonder if this whole place is just full of decoration, or if there's anything that actually works.
Halibel: You're a decoration too, aren't you?
Cecilus: I don't think so but if I were, I'd be a fancy one. Shiny. Expensive!
Halibel allowed a faint smile.
Halibel: Can't argue with that.
At last, they reached the door to a room. The wolf opened it with his foot and stepped inside carefully, laying Subaru onto the futon with slow, delicate movements, as if afraid of breaking something. The boy didn't stir, though a small sigh escaped his throat.
Cecilus: Hmph. Didn't even react. He used to at least mutter something, even if I couldn't understand half of it.
Halibel: With luck, he'll wake up in a few hours.
Cecilus: Hopefully not growling. The boss is more annoying when he first opens his eyes.
Halibel: Ah, now that, I agree with.
They stepped out of the room, closing the door softly behind them.
▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂
One hour later
Elsewhere in the Pandemonium, the footsteps of two women echoed softly along the polished stone hallways. Snow continued to fall outside the windows, but inside, the atmosphere was warm—though not because of the conversation.
Leading the way was a small figure with pink hair and an impassive expression. Her steps were firm, yet calm. A few meters behind her, a demi-human woman with blonde hair kept pace, careful not to close the distance.
Ram: Frederica, are you planning to follow me all day?
Her tone carried no irritation, but it didn't invite further conversation either.
Frederica: I have orders from the Master to remain near you, Ram-sama. Most of the time.
Ram: Hmph... How insistent. Since when did Barusu become so controlling?
Frederica: I'm not exactly sure. But... lately, he seems more determined not to leave things to chance.
Ram: Tch. How bothersome.
For a moment, Frederica's green eyes drifted toward the ground, as if the words had escaped her faster than her mind had allowed. Ram stopped and turned her face slightly—unhurried, but deliberate.
Ram: You don't flinch when you say his name anymore. Run out of fear?
Frederica: Not exactly. It's hard to explain... but I think the fear changed. Now there's respect. And... some gratitude. I want to serve him truly.
Ram: How contradictory.
The tone was neutral, but not indifferent. Ram tilted her head slightly, a faint gesture of interest. Then, without pause, she resumed walking.
Ram: Though, to be honest, Ram doesn't care much whether you do or not. Your loyalty doesn't change what Ram thinks of you.
Frederica: That honesty of yours... it's still just as blunt as ever, Ram-sama.
Ram stopped again—but this time, by her own will. She crossed her arms, with a faint smile that wasn't seeking approval—it came from a pure, self-aware certainty.
Ram: Ha. Ram is already cute, competent, and wise. Why change?
She closed her eyes calmly, letting the smile linger a few more seconds. It wasn't vanity. It was certainty.
Frederica: The Master seems to think the same... though his words aren't as clear as yours.
Ram: Hmph. Ram doesn't care if he thinks so or not. As long as he's not a nuisance, he can keep hanging around.
Frederica: I'm surprised to hear you say that so openly.
Ram: Say what?
Frederica: That you enjoy his company. I thought you'd deny it like you do with most things.
Ram: Ram isn't stupid. Just careful with what she says... and to whom she says it. Not the same thing.
Ram resumed walking, hands clasped behind her back. Unlike many, her gait wasn't haughty, but carried a natural elegance, as if each step already knew its destination. Frederica followed a few paces behind, remaining silent for a moment—until her gaze drifted toward a small decorative shelf they passed along the way. There were a few vases she'd never seen there before. A flicker of curiosity stirred in her, though she wasn't entirely sure if she should ask.
Frederica: Ram-sama... who picked those vases?
Ram: Barusu.
Frederica: ...I see.
Ram: And what's with that face?
Frederica: I'm not making any face, Ram-sama.
Ram: Hm. Ram would say you're holding back a smile. Rather poorly, too.
Frederica: Maybe a little.
Ram stopped in front of the vase in question. It was a low, white ceramic jar with pale violet dried flowers. Someone had clearly tried to arrange them with care... though not very successfully.
Ram: It doesn't match anything around here.
Frederica: No, it doesn't.
Ram: It has no style.
Frederica: That too.
Ram: But...
She crossed her arms, tilting her head slightly to one side. Her gaze remained fixed on the vase, as if trying to find some shred of aesthetic redemption in it.
Ram: It's not that bad. I suppose Ram could get used to seeing it there.
Frederica: The Master will be glad to hear that.
Ram: Don't tell him. Ram doesn't need to get used to being thanked for her generosity.
Frederica: Understood.
Silence returned briefly, but this time it wasn't uncomfortable. It was a peaceful pause, amid the warm air of the corridor and the soft sound of footsteps.
Ram: Sometimes it's easy to forget this place is full of dangerous people... when some corners look this calm.
Frederica: But thanks to you, Ram-sama, at least there's one presence that balances out so much... danger.
Ram: Naturally. Ram's very existence raises the quality of this place above the acceptable average.
She spoke with a barely visible smile and her chin slightly raised, as if she had just stated an undeniable truth—so obvious it required no rebuttal.
Frederica: You say that with great conviction.
Ram: Because it's true. Have you seen anyone else around here who blends in without ruining the atmosphere?
Frederica: I don't think anyone else has dared try.
Ram: Because they know they wouldn't surpass me. Some are born to stand out... others, like Barusu, to pick hideous vases.
Her eyes gleamed with a fleeting spark. It wasn't baseless arrogance—it was unembellished pride, fully aware of itself.
Frederica: Maybe we should have a portrait of you placed in the main hall. That way, everyone would feel safer upon entering.
Ram: Hmm... not a bad idea. Something sober, with elegance. It should capture my left profile, of course. It's the more harmonious one.
Frederica: Only your left profile?
Ram: The right is reserved for special occasions. Ram won't waste it on a common hall.
They both stopped as they reached a curve in the corridor. The midday sun slanted through a high window, casting strips of light across the floor. Ram turned slightly to catch her reflection in the glass, as if making sure she was still, in fact, perfect.
Frederica: I don't know how you do it... but you have admirable confidence.
Ram: Ram doesn't do anything. She simply is. Some things aren't made, Frederica. They're born that way.
Frederica: Should I try being born again?
Ram: Don't be silly. Just walk as if your very presence justifies the start of the day.
Frederica: Like you do?
Ram: Exactly.
She turned her gaze forward again, her pink hair swaying gently with a soft breeze that slipped through the window frame.
Ram: This place would be unbearable without Ram.
Frederica: I have no reason to doubt it.
And then, for a moment, both of them smiled. It wasn't open laughter or a chuckle—just a faint curve of the lips, shared without the need for words.
Just at that moment, the sound of approaching footsteps made both women turn. Before them appeared one of the bodyguards of the King of the Purgation—an imposing figure, at least through the eyes of those who had never seen him before.
Cecilus: Well, well. It seems fate has once again led me to the princess of Pandemonium.
He approached them with a slight gesture of greeting. Ram spoke, her tone carrying a faint—almost imperceptible—hint of irritation.
Ram: Cecilus. How many times are you going to repeat that?
Cecilus: Repeat what, princess?
Ram: That. Stop calling me that.
Cecilus: Come on, it's not that offensive. I could've called you "empress," but I thought that might be too much. "Princess" suits you better.
Ram: Ram needs no titles or ornaments. Especially not when they come from you.
Cecilus: That's a bit cruel. And here I was, greeting you with respect.
Ram: If it were respect, you'd use my name.
Cecilus: You're right.
He winked and shrugged slightly, accepting the complaint without taking it seriously. He stepped a bit closer, now standing in front of both women.
Cecilus: By the way, since we're all among acquaintances... are you and the boss still doing those things?
The tone was casual, like someone mentioning a strange but familiar habit. Despite the lightness in his voice, the meaning was clear. Frederica frowned slightly, unsure if she'd heard correctly.
Frederica: Eh? "Those things"?
Ram: How convenient that your mouth works faster than your common sense.
Cecilus: Don't be so harsh. I'm just curious. You two say so little to each other, someone has to ask now and then.
Frederica: So... you really already...?
Ram: It was unintentional. If Ram had control over it, she would've avoided it.
Frederica: I see...
Ram: And yes, Ram is absolutely delighted to talk about it here. In the middle of the hallway, with no privacy and a nosy swordsman listening in. Truly, I couldn't ask for a better setting.
Cecilus: Well, I'm glad to see you're keeping that ever-charming edge of yours. It's comforting.
Ram: What would be comforting is if you went somewhere else.
Cecilus: Oh, that's rather direct.
Ram turned slightly, ignoring the comment as she continued walking a few steps. Then, without looking directly at him, she spoke again:
Ram: Has Barusu woken up yet?
Cecilus: Nope. Still sleeping. Doesn't seem like he plans to open his eyes anytime soon.
Ram: Hm.
Cecilus: And how would you know? I doubt you went to check yourself.
Ram: Halibel told me a while ago. And Halibel doesn't usually make mistakes with that sort of thing.
Cecilus: Ah... right, Halibel-san. Ever vigilant. Well, if you say so, I've no reason to doubt it.
Ram: You shouldn't.
Cecilus: And yet I do. Can't help it.
Ram: Then you shouldn't speak.
Cecilus: Heh, fair enough.
There was no reply. Ram simply glanced at him out of the corner of her eye, never breaking her stride. Beside her, Frederica kept pace, silent. The conversation was already fading, like a breeze that had lost its weight. Cecilus watched them walk away for a moment longer, wearing that lopsided smile of his—a mix of amusement and subtle mischief.
Cecilus: I wonder if the boss knows how much paperwork is waiting for him when he wakes up. He's in for a lovely surprise.
Ram paused for a second. Just a second—barely perceptible, but enough for Cecilus to notice something. Sometimes all it took was a misplaced blink to know you'd struck a nerve.
Cecilus: Anyway, I won't keep you. I'll vanish before I get thrown out officially. Tell the boss I said hi when he wakes up.
And with that, he left.
Ram didn't turn to watch him go. Her expression didn't change, and only a faint flick of her brow betrayed that she'd heard his farewell. A few steps later, with him gone, the hallway seemed to widen a little. Silence returned—but this time, it was a different kind of silence. More useful.
Frederica glanced sideways at Ram, as if expecting her to say something else. But her companion just kept walking, steady, arms crossed under her chest, eyes fixed forward.
Frederica: Are we heading straight to the office?
Ram: Yes.
That was the only answer. The rest of the walk was filled with the sound of their footsteps on polished stone.
When they reached the main door to the Office of the King of the Purgation, Ram paused for a moment. Just long enough to focus on the doorway, recognizable by its broader frame and the mark etched at the center: a circle split cleanly into two halves.
He spent endless hours in there, even when there was no need. With no wars to plan, no strategies to draft, no urgent decisions to make, Subaru took refuge in that space, reading, writing, and working through piles of paperwork.
Ram: Did he say if it was too much?
Frederica: Hm?
Ram didn't repeat the question. She asked it only once, without changing her tone or showing any visible interest. As if it were a passing thought. Though it wasn't.
Frederica: He didn't say how much. But... knowing him, it's probably not little.
Ram: I figured.
She pressed her fingers slightly against her arm—the only gesture that betrayed a hint of tension. Then she walked toward the door, pushed it open with quiet ease, and entered without waiting for further comment. Frederica followed her in silence.
Inside, the office smelled of wood, dried ink, and that faint trace Subaru sometimes left behind in the air. The main desk looked organized at first glance, but underneath the neat stacks of paper lurked a hidden chaos. Off to the side, another tray sat loaded with untouched documents.
Ram approached without hesitation. She didn't look around, didn't allow herself to be distracted. Carefully, she took one of the documents, spread it open on the desk, and began to read.
She said nothing. Didn't sigh. Didn't smile.
But she stayed.
And, with a slight nod to herself, she began to work.
▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂
Hours later
Subaru awoke with his eyes half-open, as if his eyelids were reluctant to accept that the day had continued on without him. The silence in the room was steady, undisturbed, and the temperature was warm and lulling—like the whole space still wanted to keep him under the covers a little longer.
He sat up slowly, immediately noticing the stiffness in his back and shoulders. Nothing serious—just the consequence of having slept longer than necessary. He brought a hand to his face and rubbed his forehead with an open palm, pushing away the fatigue that still clung to him.
His gaze swept across the room without much interest. He was in the Pandemonium—that was obvious. He had felt it even before fully waking up. That mix of familiarity and pressure weighing on his chest since he'd taken on this role.
He remained sitting at the edge of the bed for a while, staring at his hands. There was nothing on them—no blood, no new marks. Still, out of habit, he looked. Just for a moment.
He lifted his gaze toward the tall window not far away. A faint band of violet light traced the edge of the frame, signaling that the day was nearly over. The sky was beginning to dim, sinking into night.
Subaru: ...Great.
He got to his feet slowly, waiting for his body to respond without protest. Every movement reminded him he'd slept too much. The pressure behind his eyes wasn't heavy, but it was there—constant, like a quiet warning.
He walked toward the window, glancing outside. Not out of interest, but habit. He wanted to confirm how much time he'd lost.
The sun was gone. Only the warm remnants of its departure lingered.
Subaru: The paperwork...
He furrowed his brow slightly, rubbing the back of his neck. There was work waiting. He knew exactly what he needed to review, sign, and correct. He'd left everything neatly arranged on the desk the day before, planning to start early. That "early" had long passed.
Subaru: Looks like it'll be a long night.
He didn't say it with drama. It was a dry, resigned statement—like someone reviewing a plan that had been postponed too many times. He adjusted his clothes with a firm motion and stepped away from the window, mentally preparing himself for what awaited outside that room.
He left, pushing the door open with the back of his hand, as if the contact barely mattered. The hallway before him stretched long and empty, lit by wall lanterns that were now glowing more brightly as the day fully gave way to dusk.
The rhythmic sound of his footsteps blended with the soft hum of the air, composing a melody barely audible. The stone tiles beneath his feet—immaculate and perfectly aligned—returned a subtle echo with each step. Subaru didn't slow down; he walked with quiet determination, turning precisely at the corners his body, shaped by routine, already knew by heart. His movements were automatic, almost instinctive, as if these paths had been etched deep into him after countless walks.
He didn't run into anyone during his initial walk. At that hour, the Pandemonium felt dormant. As he moved through a narrower stretch of the corridor, a fleeting thought crossed his mind: had something happened while he slept? A decision made in his absence, a minor conflict that had escalated, or perhaps an important meeting he'd unknowingly missed?
But there were no alarms, no urgent calls—everything remained in a strange equilibrium. He glanced out through a narrow window; the sky, once orange, now held a deep blue hue of impending night. A cold draft slipped through the crack, brushing his cheek—a faint whisper that marked the shift.
The air was colder than usual.
Subaru said nothing—not even a sigh escaped to betray the thoughts swirling in his head. With a slow, measured movement, he adjusted the collar of his clothing, a gesture that seemed more reflex than intention. Perhaps it was the chill slipping through the building's crevices, or maybe just habit shaped over years. He didn't dwell on it. His pace remained steady, the rhythm of his footsteps marking the passage through the quiet hall.
As he reached the final turn, the corridor opened up: the lanterns lining the walls cast a gentler glow, a warm golden light that softened the stone and gave the space an almost welcoming feel. The shadows they cast moved with delicate rhythm, in time with his breathing—as though the space itself were in sync with him. The silence wasn't oppressive, but dense, weighted with a sense of quiet expectation. He wasn't alone.
Just a few steps away from the office door, next to its dark wooden frame, stood Frederica. Tall and composed, her figure looked sculpted by the lantern light, every detail of her presence accentuated. She stood perfectly still, back straight, arms crossed over her chest—radiating a mix of serenity and authority. Her expression was neutral, nearly unreadable, yet there was something in her stance that made it clear: she was waiting. Her bright, focused eyes met Subaru's the moment he stepped into view.
Subaru slowed as he approached, noting the precision in Frederica's posture. Her presence wasn't something one could simply overlook—like a living statue guarding a threshold far more important than paperwork.
Once he was close enough, Frederica stepped forward slightly and dipped her head in a polite bow.
Frederica: I'm glad to see you awake, Master.
Subaru stopped in front of her, maintaining a respectful distance. He tilted his head slightly, watching her with a mix of curiosity and guarded alertness.
Subaru: What are you doing here?
It wasn't a hostile question, but it was direct. Her presence, at this hour, in this specific place, didn't feel coincidental.
Frederica: I'm carrying out the order you gave. To protect Ram-sama, no matter the time or place.
Subaru raised an eyebrow, just slightly.
Subaru: Ram is inside?
Frederica: She has been for several hours. She hasn't left since. But don't worry—she's fine. I checked more than once.
For a few seconds, Subaru said nothing. His gaze drifted to the door, as if trying to see through it. It wasn't unusual for Ram to take initiative—but still, finding her there on her own accord, without a word beforehand, was... uncommon.
The thought lasted only a moment. Before it could go any further, Frederica's voice brought him back.
Frederica: Will you be going in?
Subaru looked at her again. He nodded gently, but before reaching for the handle, he paused.
Subaru: You did a good job today. You can rest now, Frederica.
His words were plain, but the tone carried weight. He was acknowledging her effort—even if she never asked for it.
Frederica lowered her head slightly, her poise elegant as ever.
Frederica: I appreciate your words. Then, I'll take my leave.
She turned sharply, without unnecessary noise, and began walking down the same corridor he had just come from. Each step was measured, precise—a clear reflection of the character that defined her.
Subaru waited a moment longer in front of the door. Ram's presence—unexpected, quiet—was now waiting for him on the other side.
He turned the handle and pushed the door open slowly.
Inside, he was greeted by the sight of his desk—occupied. Not by clutter or chaos, but by a familiar figure. Ram stood beside the papers, reviewing a group of documents with the same precision one uses when handling something not their own, but still important.
She held a few sheets in her hand, sorting them into neat piles. She moved without pause, as if she had been at it for some time. Subaru didn't need anyone to explain it. It was clear: she had been there a while. Long enough to handle almost all the paperwork he had left behind.
He stepped further inside. His gaze swept over the organized stacks, the signatures, the notes in her handwriting. Ram never left things half done. Only a small portion remained untouched—the part she hadn't gotten to yet. She had done it for him.
Ram: You took too long, Barusu.
Her voice cut through the air without raising it, that dry tone she always used when she didn't want to sound worried. Even without turning around, she knew it was him.
Subaru: I overslept. Didn't think I'd find you here.
Ram placed the papers down on one pile, pressing them lightly with her palm.
Ram: Ram didn't plan to stay this long either. But someone had to.
Subaru: You didn't have to.
Ram: I know. That's why I did it.
At last, she turned to look at him, eyes slightly narrowed with fatigue. A sigh escaped her lips as she rolled her shoulders and tilted her neck gently.
Ram: The rest is yours. Ram's already done more than enough.
Subaru didn't reply immediately. He studied her closely: her eyes slightly red, her movements slower. She had been there for hours, surrounded by papers that weren't her responsibility, in a space that wasn't hers. Just to lighten his burden.
He stepped forward, until he stood directly in front of her.
Subaru: You did all of this. Even though I didn't ask. You didn't say anything... even though you knew it was my responsibility.
Ram didn't look at him directly, but she didn't avoid him either.
Subaru: That's why...
He hugged her.
It was a firm gesture, wrapped in a quiet, restrained need. There was no drama—only gratitude. And something more, something neither of them was ready to name yet.
Subaru: Thank you for staying. For doing this for me.
Ram didn't respond right away. She remained silent for a few seconds, as if measuring how allowed she was to return the gesture. Then, gently, she placed her hand on his shoulder.
Ram: It wasn't about the work.
Subaru lifted his head slightly, his eyes searching for hers.
Ram: If Ram wanted rest, she would've taken it. But... I didn't want to leave without seeing you.
The words were calm, without embellishment or emphasis—but their weight didn't go unnoticed.
Ram: So don't thank me too much. I didn't do it out of duty.
The remark was dry, like almost everything that came out of her mouth, but something in the rhythm with which she said it—in the way she avoided looking directly at him after the words left her lips—gave it another layer.
Subaru didn't step back. He held her gaze for a few seconds longer, and without letting go of her hand, he replied in a lower voice.
Subaru: Then... even more reason to thank you.
She didn't answer. She only blinked slowly, as if his words bothered her a little—but not enough to let go of his hand.
Subaru smiled—just barely. Not out of amusement, but because of the invisible warmth that was starting to settle in his chest. He didn't want to let her go so quickly. And for once, he wasn't going to force himself to.
Subaru: You know... there are nights when all of this feels like too much. The work, the weight of decisions, the names, the titles... everything you're supposed to carry.
Ram tilted her chin slightly, listening without interrupting.
Subaru: But there are also nights when you can just look at the moon... and none of that matters.
He paused only for a moment, then added:
Subaru: The paperwork can wait a few more hours. You already did half of it for me... and if I keep going now, I'll only ruin your effort.
Ram narrowed her eyes, examining him with that hard-to-read expression she sometimes used to hide what she was really thinking.
Ram: Are you saying you'd rather slack off than fix the mess you made yourself?
Subaru: Not exactly.
Ram: Then what?
Subaru: I'm saying that... if, just this once, I can end the day looking at the moon with someone important, I don't want to waste that chance.
The silence that followed was brief. Just a few seconds.
Ram looked away, took a deep breath, and then let it out softly—like setting down a weight she hadn't realized she'd been carrying.
Ram: Just for a little while.
Subaru: Yeah, just a little while.
He didn't need more than that.
Without letting go of her hand, he walked with her toward the door that led to the hidden balcony attached to the office. The wooden handle creaked softly under his grip.
At that moment, he felt something. A subtle sound—barely an echo inside the wall. A short, muffled knock, like an old beam settling with the shift in temperature.
Or at least that's what he thought.
For a second, he wondered if it had just been his own body. His heart beating faster than usual. Or the pulse of Ram beneath the skin of her wrist. A vibration too faint to take seriously.
He didn't give it much thought.
He pushed the door open.
The air that came in had the exact temperature he expected: a gentle cold, the kind that came with nightfall in high places. It wasn't a hostile wind, but one that brushed the skin gently—as if it, too, had stepped out to look at the moon.
The snow was falling slowly, in round, patient flakes. The moon shone high, large, suspended in the sky as if it were far too close to the world.
Ram walked beside him, still holding his hand, without saying a word.
In front of them, the open sky and the snowfall carved out a space meant only for two. And there, without any more distractions, they simply stopped.
The moon, white and perfect, watched over them.
The snow kept falling with that almost elegant slowness, as if it respected the silence wrapped around the balcony. The flakes melted the moment they touched the railing, and each seemed to measure its descent so as not to disturb anything.
Both stood there, fingers still intertwined.
Subaru, eyes fixed on the sky, felt the warmth of the hand he held with sharp clarity. It was a subtle sensation, but constant. A quiet affirmation that she was there—without words, without promises.
And he thought of her.
He thought of her steady presence, the way she always seemed ready to face him—even when the world was falling apart. He thought of that blend of sharpness and gentleness Ram hid behind every word, of the way she looked after him without asking permission, as if the act itself was natural. Inevitable.
He didn't know how he deserved to have her by his side.
Ram, on her end, glanced at him out of the corner of her eye. It wasn't fleeting, and it wasn't laced with judgment. She just watched him, quietly, as if trying to read something beyond his profile. The warmth of Subaru's hand still wrapped around hers, and though she'd never admit it, it brought her peace.
He was a constant mess. A storm of wrong decisions and poorly held-back impulses. And yet... when he looked at her like this, when he stayed silent beside her, everything seemed to make sense—even if only for a moment.
Subaru: Ram.
His voice emerged softly, almost like a whisper. It carried an unusual weight, even to himself, but he couldn't help it.
Subaru: You've saved me more times than you can imagine. It's ironic to say that, especially when a few weeks ago you said you wanted to kill me. But in this colorless world, you're the only one who shines. You saved me.
Ram kept her eyes on him, unable to look away, as if a voice within her wished he would just keep talking.
Subaru: I never knew how to give you anything back. Or how to do anything right by you. All I know is that when you're near, everything feels a little less ugly. Not easier. Just... less unbearable.
Ram didn't answer. There was nothing to say to that—not yet. She squeezed his hand slightly, almost without meaning to. Subaru felt it.
Subaru: If you let me stay like this tonight... without doing anything, without saying anything... then that's enough for me. Just that.
Ram: You're pathetic...
She said it without harshness. Without the venom she used with others. It sounded more like a fact—something not worth arguing.
Ram: You always leave Ram so disoriented she doesn't know how to respond. And that look on your face right now is simply impossible to hate.
Subaru: I don't know. A lot of people manage it.
Ram: I tried. And it's very...
Her gaze dropped for a second. Not out of weakness—but as if it bothered her to admit this out loud.
Ram: I'd kill you if I had to. But that doesn't mean I want to. And now, looking at you... I can't pretend anymore that I'd do it without hesitation. I've already told you before, but I just...
Subaru swallowed. He didn't move.
Ram: It didn't work. Hating you, I mean. No matter how many times I say it. No matter if I say it in front of others or repeat it to myself. It doesn't go away. You're still there.
Subaru: I know.
Ram: Of course you do. You're annoyingly persistent. You show up even when no one calls you.
She narrowed her eyes slightly. Studied him, up close.
Ram: Sometimes I think it would've been easier if I had just killed you. That time. Or any other.
Subaru: I used to think I deserved that. Still do, when I'm alone. But then you—
Ram: No.
She cut him off. Her voice didn't rise—it just grew firmer.
Ram: Don't start. Don't explain anything. Not this time.
Subaru lowered his head. She stepped half a pace closer.
Ram: You're here. So am I. That's enough for me. I don't want anything else right now.
Subaru barely looked at her, but she was close enough that he didn't need to speak.
Ram: Don't say anything else. Just stay... by my side.
It wasn't a plea. Nor was it an order. It was just her, saying what she wanted—without pride, without reservations.
Subaru nodded, but didn't say anything. His throat wouldn't have let him, even if he'd tried.
They stayed there, standing still, with the cold clinging to their bodies without managing to pierce the warmth slowly building between them. There were no hugs, no promises, no soft words trying to fill the emptiness. Just two people, too broken to pretend to be anything else.
And yet, the silence wasn't uncomfortable.
The air smelled of snow. But more than that—it smelled of her. That barely-there scent, almost nonexistent, that Ram never bothered to wear for anyone's approval. It was part of her skin. Part of her presence. As if every inch of her body already knew Subaru was there.
The world didn't change. It didn't become better or more fair. It didn't stop being dirty or dangerous. None of that mattered.
Because in the middle of all that, something had stopped.
The wind wasn't blowing. The snow fell in a straight line, softly, unhurried. The moon, still high above, seemed to watch them with that distant calm reserved for those who have already seen everything.
Subaru thought that maybe—if hell had balconies—this would be one of them. Because there he was, stained down to the bone, with hands full of names ripped from history, with no redemption left but the one Ram refused to give, and yet gave anyway, just by staying.
Her words still lingered in the air. "By my side." It was absurd how much those three syllables could hurt someone like him.
Because he knew he couldn't die. He couldn't rest. That peace was borrowed. A parenthesis with no known end. And even so, with her near—standing at the edge of what remained of his humanity—he could breathe.
Ram's fingers moved. Not to let go, but to find a better hold on his hand. To make sure he was still there. Not out of fragility, but out of choice.
He squeezed back.
He didn't know how to explain it. But in that moment, his world—eroded and sick as it was—seemed to make sense. It didn't matter that it was built from ruins and blood. His name didn't matter, nor what others said about him. The King of the Purgation could look at Ram and remember that once, he was just Subaru. That he still was, if she looked at him like that.
When he raised his eyes, they met hers.
And Subaru heard nothing.
It wasn't the silence of the place. It was another kind of absence. No creaking wood, no whispering wind, not even the faint click of snowflakes hitting the railing. Nothing. Just the steady beat of his heart. Just the staggered breath escaping his lips. Just Ram's warm breath, exhaled in even intervals before him.
She was still there, steady. Her eyes didn't blink. There was a strange light in her gaze—something that didn't shine from the moon or reflect off the snow, but came from what she was feeling. Something new. Or maybe something that had always been there, but he had never noticed until now.
His fingers, already interlaced with hers, closed a little more. Not tightly—just slowly, carefully. As if trying to memorize every bone in her hand.
She responded the same way. Her knuckles brushed his. Her skin, warm despite the night's insistence, wrapped around him.
Subaru had her so close he could count every lash. He could see her throat shift when she swallowed. He could notice the tiny tremble of her lips. And even though his own face was marked by dark circles, by exhaustion, by days of poor sleep, his eyes were shining too. Just like hers. With that kind of light that can't be faked. That only appears when everything else no longer matters.
Ram said nothing. Neither did he.
They didn't need to.
Their bodies leaned closer, guided by something simpler than thought. As if every muscle already knew what to do, without instruction. The space between them shrank—just a little at first, then a bit more.
They could feel it.
The heat radiating from the other's skin. The faint tremble held in every breath. The quickened pulse thudding in their wrists, in their chests, in their throats.
Ram didn't blink. And Subaru could only do the same—not because he knew what he was doing, but because nothing else made sense.
And then, their foreheads almost touched. Her breath, short and soft, brushed his skin just before he could exhale too.
They were so close that moving forward wasn't even the point anymore. There was only a tiny gesture left. A single millimeter. Their lips, barely apart.
And right then, in that very instant...
Ram: Wait.
Her voice was barely a whisper, but it was enough to break everything.
Subaru blinked, not understanding at first. The warmth in his chest stopped. His muscles tensed as if something invisible had caught him from the inside. He said nothing, but his eyes —suddenly restless— searched for Ram's, trying to figure out what she had seen.
She was no longer looking at him.
She had turned her head sharply, as if something in the office behind them had triggered a signal. Her expression changed instantly. From calm... to alert.
Subaru didn't have time to ask.
He only felt the shove. Hard. His body was suddenly thrown to the side. His feet lost balance.
Ram: El Fura!
It was the last thing he heard before the explosion.
A dry, brutal crash tore through the balcony. The impact shattered the structure as if it were old paper. The floor gave way beneath Subaru just as a cloud of debris, dust, and fragments of stone completely engulfed him.
His body fell backward, off the balcony. The world spun once, then again. Everything turned white and gray: snow, smoke, fragments.
He couldn't see. He couldn't hear. He didn't understand.
He only knew he was falling.
The railing was gone. The freezing air cut into his skin. The Pandemonium floor was far above. Everything was collapsing: the balcony, the office, the moment he had just been living.
And Ram...
Ram had shouted and acted.
And he had lost sight of her.
His back hit something before reaching the ground. Something hard, slanted. He bounced, twisted, and landed in the snow at a crooked angle. The impact knocked the air out of him. His blurred vision could only make out faint shapes in the dust spreading like a thick fog.
Everything turned to confusion.
But one thing was clear... he was still alive.
The snow had saved him.
Or something like it.
Subaru breathed with difficulty, barely able to move his lips. The air entering his lungs hurt his chest.
He tried to move his left arm.
It didn't respond.
Pain shot up like a jolt from his shoulder to his neck. It made him gasp.
It was dislocated. Maybe worse.
He lay there a few more seconds, blinking up at the sky. His forehead was wet. When he passed a trembling hand over it, he felt the thick, warm heat of blood. It dripped slowly from his eyebrow, sliding toward his eye.
He blinked. Once, then again.
The image kept flickering.
Everything was covered in a dirty gray.
He clenched his teeth and turned his body to the side, pushing himself up with difficulty on his right hand. His legs were shaking. The world around him seemed to tilt, then return to place.
And then, on his knees, his body pulsing with sharp pain in every limb, he forced himself to stand.
His feet sank into the snow. He took a step. Then another. His breathing was still uneven, and the wind that once seemed light now struck like blades.
He couldn't see well. Everything blurred, then cleared again. He blinked, and the world blinked with him. But still, he moved.
Not because he could.
But because he had to.
Subaru: ...Ram...
He barely said it. More breath than word. A broken attempt to call someone, to hold on to something.
Subaru: Ram...
His feet dragged through the snow. His body wouldn't respond properly. Each step was a battle. The cold didn't hurt anymore: it just was. As if it were part of him.
Ram.
Her name was still inside his head. It kept repeating.
Ram.
He took another step. The ground sloped. He staggered.
Ram.
And then he stumbled.
His knees hit hard, sinking into the snow. His body screamed. He coughed. A dry heave shook him. His fingers clawed at the ice.
And it was there, at that twisted angle, that he saw her.
A few meters away. Blurry at first.
Pink hair.
Small body.
Subaru lifted his head. His vision wavered, blurred, but the shape didn't change. He blinked, and for a second, everything became clear.
And he saw her.
Ram, lying on the ground.
...
『Ram was dead...』
"Don't say anything else. Just stay... by my side."
Chapter 11: Return by Death
Notes:
I sincerely hope that the translation of the chapter is accurate. And yes, it is brief.
Chapter Text
His gaze trembled. The blizzard whipped strands of his hair, sticking them to his frozen face as the snow slowly began to swallow the landscape.
-----In front of him, in the snow. The body of a person he couldn't believe.
Subaru: [...]
His lips barely parted, but no sound came out. He was stunned. His emotions couldn't align with what his eyes were seeing. He staggered forward, taking short, erratic steps toward the collapsed figure. His knees gave out with a dull thud against the white ground. He tried to get up but fell again. Crawling on all fours, he dragged himself until he was finally beside her.
Snow had piled on his clothes. His hands, red from the cold, clumsily clutched at the fabric of her coat. Now closer, he could see it. In the side of the body, very near the chest, jutted a jagged piece of wood, violently embedded. It was part of the structure of the office that had collapsed after the previous impact.
His right hand, trembling, reached toward that wound with hesitation. His fingers barely brushed the edges of the wooden shard—then, the blood. The thick liquid soaked his fingertips. He slowly brought them to his face. Under the pale gray light of the blizzard, he saw the color. -----A deep red.
Whenever he saw a corpse, the blood was gray. A lifeless stain. A color without meaning. But now... that hue burned vividly against the snow, against his skin, against everything he knew.
His other hand was also stained, without him realizing. He pressed his fingers into the warm stain on her clothes, letting his palm absorb what little warmth remained. Then he clenched it, as if he could bring something back that had already gone.
That color... that exact red... was the same as her pupils. That deep crimson, sharp like her gaze, unique like her. That color that always followed him, even when she wasn't looking at him directly. -----Then, without warning, his mind cleared. A single phrase floated up, raw and simple, shattering everything: Ram is dead.
Subaru: [Ram... Ram...]
How had this happened? What had taken place? It all hit him at once, like a storm tearing through his sanity. He wanted to find an answer, something that could make sense of his situation, but nothing seemed to fit.
-----This wasn't possible. It couldn't be real. His mind began to collapse, as if an abyss opened beneath his feet, while countless memories with her flooded his head, each more painful than the last.
「No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.」
All he managed to do was move Ram's body slightly, with trembling hands desperately searching for any sign of life, any hint that this was nothing but a cruel illusion. But her body remained there, unresponsive, lifeless to his touch and to Subaru's silent pleas.
Each one of those memories shattered like glass, breaking into blurry images and heart-wrenching emotions. Despair consumed him, and the weight of reality crushed him without mercy. Ram's voice echoed in his mind, but he couldn't save her. Was this a punishment? A cruel game of fate?
His heart pounded violently, but the pain was so intense it felt as though it might stop and explode at any moment. And the snow kept piling up over both their bodies. -----Suddenly, a swift shadow appeared behind the King of Purge, moving with a speed that defied human perception.
???: [Oh... Looks like I arrived a bit late. Sorry, boss.]
The lighthearted voice came just before the figure emerged through the snowfall. One of the King of Purge's bodyguards had finally made his entrance onto the scene. Cecilus, with his casual gait, stepped into the moment as if the curtain had just risen for him. His feet landed precisely on the snow, and his gaze immediately lifted toward the blizzard, locking onto a silhouette that was slowly approaching his boss.
Without wasting a second, he slipped into his characteristic stance—body slightly tilted, with one hand resting familiarly on the hilt of one of the two katanas hanging from his waist. His face, relaxed and beaming, curved into a confident smile that seemed entirely detached from the tension thickening the air.
???: [Ce-san. Seems you got here faster than I expected.]
-----From the rear, another figure materialized with the softness of the wind itself. He positioned himself beside Subaru, like an ancient, unyielding shadow. A kiseru rested between his lips, and with one hand, he shielded the boy with the calm of someone who had survived far too many storms.
Cecilus: [Oh, oh. Halibel-san giving me a compliment? I'm flattered.]
The two bodyguards—contrasting in style but equal in lethality—stood ready to defend the dark-haired boy. In their presence, any threat lost its meaning. Perhaps only the current "Sword Saint" could pose a real challenge to them. -----But this time, it wasn't an external threat.
No, what loomed over them came from the very depths of the Pandemonium itself. Cecilus and Halibel had sensed it minutes ago.
-----Finally, the figure in the heart of the blizzard revealed its full silhouette.
It was a woman who bore a stigma impossible to ignore. Reviled by many, marked for her origin, feared for a face that evoked a cursed legend. And yet... there was in her an undeniable beauty—a broken, silent nobility, as if her soul had been sculpted by the blows of fate.
Cecilus: [Well, well... The former princess of Pandemonium decides to show herself to the boss. I wonder what kind of fate the world has in store for you.]
In front of him, just a few meters away, the figure came to a halt. She was a young woman whose appearance evoked the Witch of Envy herself, both in features and lineage. -----The half-elf, Emilia.
Her presence shone as always, almost as if the snow refused to touch her out of respect. But there was something more... something in her amethyst gaze that would not let the soul rest. Those eyes burned with restrained longing, with a persistent yearning, as if they were searching for something—or someone—with a force that could not be ignored.
Emilia: [Su... Subaru.]
Her voice sounded broken, tinged with confusion. Her right hand clutched tightly at the green crystal hanging from her neck, as if it could anchor her to a reality slipping away. The left, trembling, rose just a few centimeters in his direction, hesitant, as if fearing that a wrong move might shatter him even more.
Cecilus, for his part, didn't take a single step. He had already noticed her presence before crossing the snowy field, but to him, the girl's identity wasn't the relevant part. What truly mattered was his boss's will. His duty was not to feel or think—it was to act when ordered.
Cecilus: [Boss. Any orders regarding the murderer of the current princess?]
Subaru: [—KILL HER.]
The shout burst forth like a roar suppressed for far too long. Until then trapped in a pit of confusion, the mere phrase "murderer of the current princess" was enough for Subaru's fury to erupt without warning. He didn't need to look. He didn't want to know who. The only thing he wished for was that the one who had destroyed his world would die without mercy. That desire—sharp and dark—was instantly understood by Cecilus, just by hearing the vibration in the boy's voice.
Without further delay, the Blue Lightning of Vollachia unsheathed one of his katanas. And in the blink of an eye, he vanished into the air, cutting the distance between him and the half-elf.
-----Then, a crash.
Metal against something that wasn't flesh. A powerful impact echoed out.
The blade had stopped mere millimeters from Emilia's neck, halted by a frozen surface, like a compact ice shield. Cecilus tilted his head, intrigued—not surprised, but slightly entertained.
Above Emilia's silver hair, a tiny feline figure emerged from among shards of frost. Puck, with narrowed eyes, stared at Cecilus with clear hostility. Around him, dozens of sharp ice fragments began to slowly spin, like blades summoned by his wrath.
Emilia: [Puck...]
Cecilus: [To cut a spirit... I hadn't imagined that for tonight. How interesting.]
Puck: [I won't let you touch a single hair on my beautiful Lia. So don't get too excited, Blue Lightning of Vollachia.]
Cecilus: [A spirit of that magnitude recognizes me! Wonderful. It's comforting to know my fame transcends even among incorporeal beings.]
In the blink of an eye, battle broke out. Ice and steel clashed violently. The air filled with white mist, fleeting flashes, and sharp explosions. But to Cecilus, it was merely a pastime—a duel that held his interest only due to the exotic nature of his opponent. If he grew bored, he would simply slice the half-elf to pieces without a second thought.
Emilia, however, was not focused on the fight.
-----She only wanted to get closer to Subaru.
She wanted to hold him. She wanted him to collapse into her lap and, like so many times in the past, fall silent without saying much, overflowing without the need for words. Just the two of them, like before. She wanted to be his refuge, his comfort, his salvation. But now... those two men stood in the way. She didn't care what happened to Puck. Not now. -----She existed only for Subaru.
Seeing him wounded like this, seeing him broken... -----It was a pain she couldn't allow.
Subaru, for his part, after giving his order, had sunk into his own world. He cared about nothing but Ram; his obsessive, fixed thoughts revolved entirely around her. This was just proof that, during these past weeks, he hadn't done anything right. His mind had been so focused on the "love" he felt for Ram that, without realizing it, he had let important details slip by—small signs that had now led him to this breaking point, an emotional abyss that seemed impossible to escape.
Halibel, who stood beside him, watched in silence, unable to find the right words to address his leader. It wasn't that he didn't know what to say, but rather that Subaru's current state was completely unfamiliar to him. It was as if he were witnessing a side of Subaru he had never imagined before—a vulnerability so deep it couldn't be described with mere words. Halibel felt that any attempt to comfort him would fall short, for what he saw before him was a man trapped in his own torment.
-----Of course, there was only one way out of all this chaos, one that only Subaru knew... The "Return by Death."
If he were to die right now, all of this would vanish: his wounds, the unbearable pain coursing through his body... and above all, Ram's heart-wrenching death. Succumbing to his ability—one that others might consider a "miracle" or even a "curse"—had always been his only tool in moments of absolute despair. This time was no different. After countless attempts where he had always died at the hands of relentless enemies, he had used this power to alter fate, to repair the irreparable.
「I'll do it... I... will get her back.」
Despite his words, his voice trembled like a leaf in the wind. There was nothing in this desolate place that could offer a quick or painless death. His bodyguards—those protecting him—would never raise a hand against him; that much was obvious. The only option within reach was a few sharp pieces of wood, half-buried in the snow. They were the size of knives, but he knew that using them would be a slow, cruel, and terribly painful process.
-----There was only one option left... For Ram's killer—whoever it was—to be the one to end his life.
He hated the idea of being killed by that person. Besides, it wouldn't be easy; he'd have to convince Cecilus to let her do it, or distract him. And that was assuming Cecilus hadn't already killed the culprit by then.
Subaru took a deep breath, trying to calm the chaos in his mind. -----He turned, however... He didn't expect to see what he saw.
In front of him, a few meters away, stood Emilia. She looked at him intently, with a calm expression, while reaching a hand out to him. To Subaru's eyes, she was still completely gray, as if covered by an opaque mist that hid her true self. But that wasn't the problem. No. The problem was that, in that moment, Subaru understood everything.
-----The one responsible for Ram's death was none other than Emilia, in his eyes.
「Why?! Why?! Why?! Why?! Why?! Why?!」
He repeated it over and over in his mind. The same question echoed like an endless refrain. Why had she done it? What reason could she have? What could have been her motive? He didn't feel anger, but a confusion so intense it made him tremble. Nausea washed over him, and for a moment, he thought he would faint. -----With all the strength he had left, he raised his voice.
Subaru: [Why...? Why did you do it?!]
He seemed furious, but he really wasn't. He just wanted an explanation, an answer that would make sense of all this chaos.
Emilia took a step back, bewildered. Her lips parted awkwardly, and she tilted her head slightly, as if what she was hearing were a language she didn't quite understand. Her amethyst eyes, wide open, shone with the dampness of worry.
Emilia: [Su... Subaru? Why are you yelling at me? What did I do wrong?]
Subaru remained silent, unable to form words. His mind was still processing what he had just discovered.
Emilia: [I... I just wanted to know how you were.]
She said it in a soft tone, without a trace of malice. Her voice sounded rather submissive, as if trying to understand why Subaru was speaking to her that way.
Emilia: [You didn't come to see me yesterday. I waited... a long time. I thought something bad had happened to you. At first I tried not to worry, but... I couldn't stay still. Not if you were suffering. Subaru... You always worry about me. You always carry so much... I want to give some of that back. I want to help you. I want to be someone who stands by your side... even if you don't ask me to.]
Her eyes, bright and wet, weren't lying. -----But...
Emilia: [That's why. Let's face this world together. It doesn't matter who we have to take out, it'll just be you and me. ----- Huh?... why... are you crying, Subaru?]
Those words had reignited the trauma. Just those syllables, as soft as a poisoned caress, were enough to shatter everything. Emilia's face, with those eyes that once sought his company and now only showed confusion, reappeared clearly in his mind.
-----The exact moment when it happened was blurry, but the impact remained intact. Like a stab.
Remembering it... was enough to want to erase everything. And even more, to erase himself. There was no room for doubt anymore, no time for excuses. -----Revulsion. That was all he felt. Not toward her... but toward himself for still looking at her.
Without thinking further, with one of the broken wooden splinters scattered across the floor, Subaru brought his hand to his neck with a slowness that clashed with the desperation consuming him. His fingers trembled, slipping at first. But he did not hesitate when he finally pressed.
-----He just wanted to disappear. And he did. With a clumsy, awkward, or desperate motion... he drove it into his neck.
Subaru: [Ugh... uuhg...]
The sensation was immediate. The wood tearing through his flesh. It didn't go as deep as he had intended. The splinter wasn't firm enough, nor his arm strong enough. But it was enough to injure himself brutally.
The blood gushed out immediately, thick and hot, staining his hands, his neck, his chest. A spasm ran through his entire body, and his legs gave out. Subaru's body collapsed to one side, sinking into the snow. A barely audible groan escaped from his parted lips, mixed with the reddish foam beginning to accumulate.
Emilia: [S-Subaru... what are you... what are you doing...?]
![Halibel: [Su-san!]](https://img.wattpad.com/0b55868a5267a62c08da69382eb3628776f33cfc/68747470733a2f2f73332e616d617a6f6e6177732e636f6d2f776174747061642d6d656469612d736572766963652f53746f7279496d6167652f52745439775f3034744172727a673d3d2d313536323235393139302e3138353634323266383465306132656138383135373337303034392e706e67?s=fit&w=1280&h=1280)
Halibel: [Su-san!]
He could hear them. But their voices were like echoes lost in a cavern. Distant. Shapeless. As if they were being spoken in another plane—one he no longer shared.
His throat burned. Not from the cold, but from the blood that wanted to come out but couldn't. His breathing was erratic, clumsy, as if his body were trying to keep him alive by instinct, even though his soul had already let go of the will.
「It burns... it hurts... it hurts... it hurts...」
Unstructured, disjointed thoughts crashed in his head like a stampede. An internal outcry that didn't stop, as if his entire body were silently screaming. The pain wasn't just physical; it was the result of many poorly mourned deaths, of many cowardly decisions.
Subaru: [Ugh... hhg... kh...]
A cough. Another. Blood splashing onto the snow. His body shook on its own, as if trying to breathe, as if begging for air, as if it didn't understand that its owner didn't want it anymore.
「No more. Please... no more...」
His vision was turning blurry. The edges of the world darkened. What little he could see was tinged red. And yet, his brain still functioned enough to process sensations. The pain in his neck, the pressure in his chest, the stinging in his eyes, the trembling of his bloodstained fingers... the snow that now felt colder than ever.
His body, out of control, squirmed in the white earth, trembling, resisting the end out of sheer stubbornness. -----Each heartbeat was a stab. Each second an eternity.
And amid it all, he heard a new sound.
Something metallic tearing through flesh.
「What-----?」
His ears could no longer catch it clearly. He could only make out the dull thud of something sharp. And then... silence.
He didn't know if it was real. If it had been screams, footsteps, voices... everything blended into a mass of confusion, like a symphony of farewells he could no longer understand.
「I want to go. Let me go. I don't want to remember. I don't want to feel...」
Someone was shaking him like an earthquake. A hand? An arm?
Were they holding him?
It didn't matter.
His body was growing cold.
「It hurts... It hurts... It hurts.」
Subaru: [...uhg...]
His throat could no longer produce sound. Only blood came out. That was all that remained. One more spurt, and another. The stains in the snow spread.
His muscles stopped contracting. His fingers loosened. The cold won. The fear... disappeared. -----And with all of that, his brain stopped functioning.
▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂▂
???: [-----Eh...?]
Subaru remained motionless, trapped in a space he couldn't fully comprehend. His vision was completely clouded, as if he were caught between twilight and darkness.
He seemed to be in a state similar to that of a sedated person, unable to react completely. However, with what little sense he could gather, he deduced that this place belonged to her—to that enigmatic figure who had marked his life so deeply.
???: [I love you...]
The voice echoed in his mind, soft but firm, like an echo loaded with emotion. Subaru knew who it belonged to—the person he believed had granted him the "Return by Death" ability. Someone he hadn't seen in a long time, someone who always seemed both near and far, like a specter that accompanied him in his darkest moments.
???: [I love you...]
Subaru: [Eh... ah...]
The words caught in his throat, unable to form a coherent reply. Strangely, he didn't feel afraid of that voice, as if her presence were familiar, even comforting in some way. Maybe because he already knew her, because he had learned to live with the idea that his life hung by a thread every time "Return by Death" was invoked. But this time, there was no threat, no danger—just that repeated declaration.
Suddenly, he felt two soft and delicate hands touching his cheeks, a gesture as unexpected as it was strange to him. They were warm, almost comforting, as if trying to convey something beyond words-----.
???: [I... love you.]
-----In that moment, his eyes opened wide.
His body jolted upright. He was lying in a bed, though at first his mind felt confused and disoriented. His breathing was short and ragged, as if he had just run a great distance. Instinctively, he brought a trembling hand to his neck—the place where he remembered a piece of wood had pierced him. Yet, there was no sign of the wound, only unbroken skin. He lowered his trembling hands, looking at them as if they were not his own.
Suddenly, the memories began to flood into his mind like an overflowing river. Everything returned with force: Ram. His gaze turned to the other side of the room, and there she was. -----Ram was watching him, bewildered.
Subaru: [R... Ram]
Before Ram could say anything more, Subaru lunged toward her, burying his face into her abdomen. His hands clutched tightly at the oni's kimono, as if seeking refuge amid his inner chaos. -----Ram remained still for a moment.
Ram: [What are you trying to do, Baru...?]
That's when she heard something that made her stop: a small sob. -----Subaru was crying, his sobs were weak but filled with pain. His posture was vulnerable, tense, like that of a terrified child who had just faced something horrible.
-----Ram closed her eyes. Gently, she brought a hand to Subaru's head and began to stroke his hair softly.
Pages Navigation
GenoShock on Chapter 1 Tue 20 May 2025 04:05AM UTC
Comment Actions
VGodOfRain on Chapter 1 Tue 20 May 2025 06:48AM UTC
Comment Actions
FakeHere on Chapter 1 Tue 20 May 2025 08:05AM UTC
Comment Actions
Lux_redo on Chapter 1 Tue 20 May 2025 07:18PM UTC
Comment Actions
mainblue22 on Chapter 1 Tue 20 May 2025 12:05PM UTC
Last Edited Tue 20 May 2025 12:08PM UTC
Comment Actions
Lux_redo on Chapter 1 Tue 20 May 2025 07:10PM UTC
Comment Actions
DeviousApple on Chapter 1 Wed 21 May 2025 11:55PM UTC
Comment Actions
DEATH_ANGEL_BLACK on Chapter 2 Fri 23 May 2025 06:27PM UTC
Comment Actions
Falal on Chapter 2 Tue 10 Jun 2025 02:30PM UTC
Comment Actions
AllAroundCrafter on Chapter 3 Wed 21 May 2025 11:58PM UTC
Comment Actions
12GC12 on Chapter 3 Thu 22 May 2025 12:01AM UTC
Comment Actions
luismmusic on Chapter 3 Thu 22 May 2025 12:09AM UTC
Comment Actions
ChickenJam08 on Chapter 3 Thu 22 May 2025 01:37AM UTC
Comment Actions
BrillianceLost on Chapter 4 Fri 23 May 2025 03:07AM UTC
Comment Actions
mainblue22 on Chapter 4 Fri 23 May 2025 03:15AM UTC
Comment Actions
12GC12 on Chapter 4 Sun 25 May 2025 02:59PM UTC
Comment Actions
AllAroundCrafter on Chapter 4 Fri 23 May 2025 03:54AM UTC
Last Edited Fri 23 May 2025 03:54AM UTC
Comment Actions
12GC12 on Chapter 4 Fri 23 May 2025 02:23PM UTC
Comment Actions
Lux_redo on Chapter 4 Fri 23 May 2025 02:56PM UTC
Comment Actions
12GC12 on Chapter 4 Sun 25 May 2025 02:38PM UTC
Last Edited Sun 25 May 2025 02:39PM UTC
Comment Actions
Lux_redo on Chapter 4 Sun 25 May 2025 04:21PM UTC
Comment Actions
12GC12 on Chapter 4 Mon 26 May 2025 03:40PM UTC
Comment Actions
12GC12 on Chapter 4 Sun 25 May 2025 02:59PM UTC
Comment Actions
Phanty on Chapter 4 Fri 23 May 2025 04:32PM UTC
Comment Actions
Lux_redo on Chapter 4 Fri 23 May 2025 05:15PM UTC
Comment Actions
Phanty on Chapter 4 Fri 23 May 2025 06:02PM UTC
Comment Actions
Falal on Chapter 4 Tue 10 Jun 2025 06:32PM UTC
Comment Actions
DEATH_ANGEL_BLACK on Chapter 5 Fri 23 May 2025 11:59PM UTC
Comment Actions
BrillianceLost on Chapter 5 Sat 24 May 2025 12:29AM UTC
Comment Actions
CatboyCaio on Chapter 5 Sat 24 May 2025 02:48AM UTC
Comment Actions
Yamial (Guest) on Chapter 6 Sun 25 May 2025 05:36AM UTC
Comment Actions
deglez on Chapter 6 Sun 25 May 2025 08:11AM UTC
Comment Actions
Pages Navigation