Chapter Text
Sieun opened the door to his apartment, it was surprisingly clean. The smell of Lavender meeting him, the perfume of lavender has long been associated with sleep, it was one of Sieun’s favorite scents. He steps inside and heads for his bedroom. It was the same as before when he left. He puts his bags and began unpacking his things and clothes. By half an hour, he had already unpacked all of it. He places his headset to his neck, the sound of the music he was listening to gradually fading away.
He sat down on a chair and faced his study table he used back in Middle School to High School. His books were still there, occupying half the table. There were his pens that were neatly stacked in a small cup. But his eyes fixed at what was beside the small stationery cup, it was a small picture frame.
A candid picture of him with Ahn Suho.
Sieun’s hands reached out for the picture frame, holding it closer as he takes a deeper look at it. He looked at it for a moment. His mind shifting to their memories, the way Suho would continuously tease him. Sieun felt suspended in the air, lost in the thoughts from reminiscing his memories with Suho, he hears nothing but his own breath, inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale. He feels like he’s hanging only by a thread, just one thread, and he feels like he’s clinging onto it though it might seem to cut off in any moment. He’s lost in thoughts with the picture, Youngyi had taken it while Sieun and Suho was laughing. His heart barely beating. He only notice it that his heart would burst in any minute as he misses Suho. He was constantly pressured by his mother to do well on University. And he did, graduating as Magna Cum Laude. He hadn’t fallen yet, but he feel it coming. Like his ground is about to collapse and he will fall to the depths of darkness.
Sieun thought, would it had been too much to ask, if Suho broke it to him gently. The sudden break up, the change of Suho’s decision that of staying with Sieun for the rest of their lives. It all changed Sieun, it changed his life, he would shed a tear everyday after their break up. And if Sieun was gonna be honest, he still wasn’t over Suho. He hasn’t heard anything from Suho after he left South Korea. Sieun lays the picture frame down, putting it back to where it was. He stood up from the chair and went to take a bath. It was already 11:45 PM when he finished. After brushing his teeth, he goes to bed, it was now 12:05 AM.
Sieun wakes up, without him beside. Sieun could never get used to Suho not being beside him, hugging him tightly every morning. The sunlight passes through the curtains, lighting the side of the bedroom. The sound of a busy city slipping inside the windows. Sieun reaches out for his phone, he checks the time. 08:21 AM, April 25th 2024. He places it down, sitting up and rubbing his eyes. It was just another typical day, it’ll be another memory like tomorrow, and like every other day. But Sieun would look back at all of it, he can’t help moving forward without looking back. He just can’t. Sieun wondered why he stayed there just to watch Suho disappear. Sieun still wonders why he chose to stay there instead of moving to another apartment. Suho personally broke up with Sieun in the apartment, bidding him goodbye for the last time. No more “See you tomorrow”, no more “Sieun-ahhh” that wakes Sieun up in the morning, no more back hugs, all of it was gone. But mostly, Suho’s absence in the room was what made Sieun unable to breathe sometimes.
Sieun took his phone and stood from his bed, arranging his bed. He headed for the kitchen, eating a bread. He never really eats breakfast, it was no surprise. It was now 08:43 AM, Sieun went to take a bath again and changed to a formal but comfortable outfit. He doesn’t have anything to do for the week since his work would be starting the following week. Sieun planned to just roam around Seoul since it’d been 3 long years. He still wasn’t able to believe it, he was now 23 years old. He and Suho started dating when they were in 10th grade and broke up after they graduated High School. Before leaving the apartment, Sieun breathes and whispers to himself, “How can I let you go, Ahn Suho.” He takes another deep breath, Suho never left his mind, not even a second. But Suho had probably moved on and is dating someone else, beautiful, and prettier than him.
Sieun took his door keys and locked the door. He left and spent his days going to eat and visit museums. Just him alone. But he promised Baku and the others that they’d meet the next day.
08:49 PM Time was ticking fast, faster than Sieun thought. He was standing at the top of the Namsan Seoul Tower, the cold air crushing to his face, his hair ruffling. It was cold, but Sieun didn’t mind, no matter how many times Sieun would visit the N Tower, he can’t help but still be mesmerized by the beautiful sight of the city lights seen from the above. While Sieun was admiring the city lights, his phone suddenly went to vibrate, it was a notification from the group chat with Baku, Juntae and Hyuntak. Sieun clicked it and sees a screenshot by Baku, it was a screenshot of Suho’s post in X. It was him with his girlfriend, Baek Su-jeong. They were once co-workers, and apparently they started dating just a year ago. The group chat was so alive and noisy.
BAKU AND SOME STRANGERS
Baku: How can he find someone else that quickly?!
Sieun: It’d been 4 years Baku, and besides, I’m over him.
Gotak: Whatever keeps you sleeping Sieunnn!
Juntae: We probably should stop mentioning Suho here.
Sieun: It’s okay Juntae, no need to be worried about me.
Then, Sieun puts his phone on silent and slips it back at his pocket. Sieun hadn’t realize that a tear already dropped from his face. Followed by another, and another, tears were now streaming down his face. More was building up in his eyes that he could barely see. He quickly wiped it with his hands. “I guess I have to step aside now, Suho-ya.” Sieun didn’t know why he was still clinging to the hope of him getting back together with Suho. Just a small hope, just maybe. Maybe.
He knew that one word from Suho would make him go rushing back to him. And maybe Suho might have thought about it. But the small hope and that maybe has now completely lost its grip. It was all now pointless. Suho was now happy with another person, and Sieun thought to himself, maybe he should just be happy for Suho and be happy too.
Sieun closes his eyes, his voice began softly and low, “Maybe forgetting that you were once mine would make me move forward and leave that restaurant.” But Sieun had millions of questions in his head.
“How can you find another home?”
“How can you be happy while I’m still here waiting for you?”
“How do you go and making one your home and then just letting it all go?”
“Am I the problem? I probably am.”
“I’m sorry Suho-ya… Please come back.”
“This is all my fault, I should have never agreed to go so far away.”
“This is hard, I’m exhausted.”
“I miss you, Suho-ya…”
“I love you, I’m sorry.”
...
Sieun was now crying even more, and before he could even think about it. His whole eyes went pitch black. He blacked out. All he can see now was white, just then, memories of him and Suho started playing. Sieun looked at them with tears still coming endlessly from his eyes.
And he says, “far beyond my reach was the future you promised, but I guess it just takes a few words to break one.” Sieun smiles.
Without knowing, he was physically lying in a hospital bed. Baku, Juntae and Gotak standing beside his bed. One tear appeared in Sieun’s eyes, Baku then wipes it. Sieun wakes up a few minutes later, it was his usual blackouts because of emotional stress. The doctor told him to get active, like running, but Sieun knew he could never. He hated running since he was in school. His hate for it never changed even years later. Sieun was told the same thing as other doctors told him before, healthy diet, connect with others and get enough sleep. Just anything to improve emotional stress. Sieun was discharged a few minutes after talking to the doctor.
The others were waiting for him, and they drove him home using Gotak’s car. Sieun laid his head to the car’s window, looking at the buildings. Gotak then began, “how are you feeling now?” he asks. “I’m fine, thank you guys” Sieun replies, smiling a little to reassure them. “You were thinking about him, weren’t you?” Hyuntak questions, one hand on the steering wheel, another is holding a bottle of water. “yes, but it doesn’t matter. He’s in-love with someone else and I should get over him.” Sieun spoke.
Silence.
“I want to be honest, I don't know where to find the strength to just let him go” Sieun sighed, sadness was clearly evident in his voice. It wasn’t that he was cheerful before, but he was definitely happier when he was with Suho. You can tell that he was happy just by looking at his eyes. But now, all you can see in his eyes is just full of sadness and exhaustion. Just like before. But now Sieun seems to be more broken, he’s physically and mentally exhausted.
And in all honesty, Sieun never really do know where to find the strength to let go of him. When the only love he had come to know, packed his bags and left him alone.
“He found another home.”
Sieun says, his smile faltered, and eventually faded away. When they arrived at Sieun’s apartment, they decided to stay for the following days. And it made Sieun feel better, he was doing great now. Smiling more and is going out multiple times as well. He was able to socialize more now and had new friends when he started working too. His co-workers were nice and welcoming, and Sieun and the others were glad. A few more months and Sieun became one of the best employees in the company.
One night, Sieun unexpectedly saw Suho at a restaurant with his girlfriend, Su-jeong. They were happy together, Suho was smiling. And Sieun was happy for him.
Sieun was across the street and Suho didn't notice him. Sieun then whispered to himself,
"Maybe your love was meant for somebody else, not for me. Your love was my solace, but maybe your solace was somebody else. Thank you, Suho."