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“Doc!” There was a disruptive clatter overhead as Jack returned to the TARDIS, earlier than the Doctor had expected. He wiped the grease off his hands and stood, popping his head out of the floor hatch.
“Where's Rose?” Seeing Jack was alone, the Doctor's hackles rose immediately, as they often did around him. “What have you done?”
Jack scowled, “I haven't done anything. She's…” Despite his assertion, there was an unmistakable flicker of guilt on Jack's face. “... She's just outside, she won't come in. Could you give me a hand?”
Alarm mounting, the Doctor boosted himself out of the hole and marched to the door before Jack had time to lead the way. He followed with the distinct air of an ill behaved puppy. Outside, the Doctor looked around, but saw no Rose.
“To your left.”
Jack strode past him and around the side of the TARDIS, and the Doctor followed. Rose sat huddled against the ship, her knees tucked under her chin, the arms of her oversized gray hoodie pulled down over her hands. She looked up, and the Doctor saw angry black splotches of smudged mascara around her eyes, tears painting lines down her cheeks. The second she saw the Doctor she made a pathetic mewling noise, covering her face with two balled up sleeves and curling in on herself, turning away to avoid his gaze.
“What did you do?” The Doctor growled at Jack, seething venom in his voice now. The other man was kneeling in front of Rose, trying to coax her to sit up. He shot the Doctor with a glare.
“Why are you assuming I've done something to her?!” He snapped, “We were just having a drink, I asked her about her family and she went stony on me. She ordered another drink—”
“—and you thought that was a good idea? Trying to get her drunk?”
Jack didn't bother to look at him this time. “Believe it or not, Doctor, I did check if she was sure it was a good idea. But it was only her third.”
“You idiot.” The Doctor knelt in front of Rose, pushing him aside. Jack stood, crossing his arms.
“I can see you still think super highly of me, Doctor, but I'm not actually in the habit of trying to get people sloshed out of their minds. She's an adult and she's allowed to have a few drinks if she wants. I had no idea she wasn't in the right headspace for it.”
“Could you back up please?” The Doctor barked, and Jack threw up his hands, wandering a few feet away. Rose was still hiding her face, shuddering slightly. He put a gentle hand on her arm. “Rose? You're safe, you're back at the TARDIS. I think we should get you inside.”
“Leave me here,” she said in a hollow, muffled voice, “don't want me with you.”
“Of course I do,” he said, laying a placating hand on her messy golden waves. He was relieved that she didn't push him away.
“Y’shouldn't though… Trash.”
The Doctor's hearts twisted. He had a sneaking suspicion he knew what this was about.
“Jack,” he said over his shoulder, tone softening just a little, “could you take her left arm?”
“Trust me enough to help you, now?” Jack muttered, but moved immediately to assist. The Doctor didn't respond. Together, they pulled Rose to her feet. She didn't resist their help, and let them walk her clumsily into the console room. “I can make coffee if—”
“—She just needs sleep,” the Doctor said firmly. He was aware this wasn't Jack's fault, but badly wanted to blame someone other than himself. He wrapped an arm around Rose's waist and took her weight from Jack. It was some relief when Rose leaned into him, apparently over her wish to hide. He began to make his way out of the room, leaving Jack behind, but he paused at the hallway, glancing back reluctantly. “It's not your fault… you didn't know.”
The Doctor walked Rose slowly back to her room. She was still crying silently, but as they neared her door she muttered, “I'm sorry… I'm sorry. I'm sorry…”
“Shh,” he said, pushing the door open with his foot, “I don't wanna hear any apologies. You've done nothing wrong.”
“Done everything wrong. You knew it, I shoulda known it. Shoulda sent me home.”
“Nuh uh, don't be a dummy. I'm much smarter than you, so you gotta trust me.”
“Are not.”
“Am too.”
“Yer biased. You like me, an’ it makes you dumb.”
He felt his face warm a little, and was glad she wasn't looking at him.
“Well then, same goes for you doesn't it?”
Rose let a tiny huff of laughter escape, but it soon gave way to tears again. She let her knees buckle and the Doctor caught her before she fell.
“Rose, it's alright.”
“I killed ‘im.”
This knocked the air right out of him. He thought he understood.
“... Pete?”
Rose was sobbing now, the Doctor began to worry she might hyperventilate. He looped an arm under her knees and pulled her limp body into his arms. She wrapped her arms around his neck, sobbing into his neck. He knew the en suite toilet had a large shower, and he carried her inside, setting her down on the tile floor, against the wall. She wouldn't let go of him, so he reached up and turned the water on, getting a full blast of frigid water on his back. He braced his arms against the wall shielding Rose until the water warmed up. At last it was warm enough, and she gasped as the water hit her. He sat down next to her, wrapping her in his arms again.
It took a few minutes, but Rose's breathing finally slowed and the sobbing receded, replaced by the occasional hiccup. She tucked herself deep under his arm. He finally deemed it safe to speak.
“Rose… I'm gonna say something and I want you to listen, alright?”
She turned her face into his sopping shoulder, but didn't object.
“What happened that day… Was supposed to happen—”
“—but it didn't happen like it shoulda, it wasn't an accident anymore. Now it happened because of me.”
“Listen to me.” He reached for her chin and turned her face to him, and though she squeezed her eyes shut, she didn't pull away. “If anything, I'm the one at fault. No, really,” he said, making sure she didn't hide again, stroking strands of wet hair off her face. “I got so comfortable with you here… I forgot you were new. I forgot you didn't know about the risk. It was an irresistible temptation. I would have done the same thing without centuries of experience… and even I still make mistakes.”
“Yeah, right.”
“... You have no idea, Rose. And with all I know… my mistakes tend to be bigger. Have… much bigger consequences.”
Rose took a shuddering breath and let her head fall back against the wall.
“I just wanted to meet him. And instead of it bein’ quick an’ outa nowhere, he had ta… do it himself… I’m… a monster.”
“Oh, Rose…” He took her face in his hands and kissed her forehead before pulling her close to his chest again. He was silent for a long moment. Finally he took a deep breath. “I know a little something about feeling like a monster. But I have met a lot of them. Believe me… you don't fit the description. In fact… you gave him a gift. He got to see you grown. And… he got to see what he was made of. He got to be a hero. Most people don't have that chance.” He was rubbing her back, thinking aloud, now. “You know… you two are a lot alike. Brave. Willing to do the right thing. Once you know what it is.”
Rose squeezed him hard around the middle, likely giving in to tears again, but these were safer tears. They sat in silence for a while, the hypnotic pounding of water lulling them both into a calm stupor. It was some time before Rose spoke again, mumbling into his neck.
“You're not a monster either.”
The Doctor's hearts squeezed, and he pulled away to look at her. She still looked a mess, with a big smear of black makeup down one cheek where her face had been pressed against his jumper. It was the perfect kind of mess. He kissed her forehead, and then her cheek. For a mad moment, he wanted very much to kiss her mouth. What was madder was the thought that she might want him to. He wasn't about to test the theory though, not now.
Instead, he squeezed her shoulders and tucked her back under his chin.
“Let's get you dry and dressed for bed.”
The Doctor helped to dry Rose off and fetched her pyjamas, handing them to her through a narrow crack in the loo door to allow her some privacy. She emerged clean-faced, in an enormous tee and baggy sweats, with her hair in a damp bun on top of her head. He folded back her covers and stood back, but she hesitated before getting into bed.
“Are you… do you have anything important to be doing? Could you…” Rose averted her eyes, twisting the hem of her shirt. “Never mind.” She crawled into bed without looking at him. He came up beside her and put a hand out for hers, which she took.
“Want me to stay until you fall asleep?”
Rose still wouldn't look at him when she said, “I need… could use a hug. For a while longer.”
The Doctor looked down at his sodden jumper and jeans. “I'll be right back. Five minutes.”
It took him less than three. He passed Jack in the kitchen, who began to ask how Rose was doing, but the Doctor didn't acknowledge him. Soon he was back in her room in his own version of warm, cozy clothes, and crawled beneath her covers. The instant he was lying down, Rose turned over to face him, curling against his chest and tangling their legs together. He wrapped his arms around her and closed his eyes.
“Don't go til I'm asleep, kay?”
He nodded against her head. Maybe he'd stay a little longer than that.
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