Work Text:
"I learned a new word today."
His words burst into my cosy bubble.
I was semi horizontal on the sofa, feeling peaceful in our quiet companionship as he read in his armchair and I sketched against my knees.
“Hmm??”
I turned my head from my sketchbook and looked over at Lockwood. His abrupt non sequitur had dragged me from a reverie of light and shade - my mind had been blissfully disengaged as my eyes and my hand worked my pencil tip. I blinked myself back to full consciousness, and focused on his expression.
He looked composed but I knew him well enough to spot the signs he was about to do something he was unsure of. This could mean literally anything, and I held my breath, sincerely hoping it wasn't anything bad.
He saw he had my attention but didn't say anything more. I gestured for him to continue, starting to feel a little irritated. His gaze held mine, but he still didn't speak and his eyes now spoke of struggle; and implored mercy.
I sat up, and turned to face him fully - irritation replaced by alarm.
"Lockwood?"
I reached out my hand, still holding my pencil and rubbed the backs of my fingers against his nearest knee.
"What's wrong? Tell me!"
"The word is... " His long fingers covered his eyes before dragging up and through his hair. He took a deep breath, screwing down his courage, and forced out "Situationship."
"Situationship..." I parroted. "What does it mean?" My stomach took a guess, cramping painfully as I gazed at him, trepidation rising.
He looked down at my hand and took hold of it; sliding the pencil from my unresisting fingers and then grasping my hand in both of his. He kept his eyes on our clasped hands as he explained
"It means an ambiguous romantic relationship where people have mutual feelings for one another, but said feelings are not clearly defined." He cleared his throat. "It's a contraction; of situational relationship. Like when two people are thrown together and become close, and it can even become physical, but once the situation changes, the relationship might not last."
Oh, my stomach said, and a sensation like a cold stone plummeting endlessly to it's bottom made me shiver.
"Is that what you're afraid of?" Lockwood whispered. He looked me in the eyes then, pleading.
"Is that why you keep your distance from me?"
Panic flared and I fidgeted, but he held my hand fast and didn't let me pull away. Calmly and gently, but implacably, he slowly lifted it to his mouth and kissed the palm of my hand.
"I am here," he said softly "and that is where I want to be forever. I know you will keep me safe there. I know you love me. Please will you let me love you?"
Tears filled my eyes, and spilled down my cheeks. I couldn't look away from him but I was struck dumb. Our closeness was the realest thing I'd ever known, and being close to him was something that I had craved for so long. But I had settled at being close friends because he was right. It was too terrifying to want more. To speak the unspoken into reality and risk watching it fracture or burn out.
Yet he had done it, and his words were so fervent, pleading with such passion. Could he truly feel that much for me?
"What if..." I choked on my words. I was unable to finish the sentence, unsure even which of the myriad of what ifs was the biggest. Then, horrified that even that was an admission of my true feelings, I heaved a great sob and my tears became a torrent.
He leaned across the gap between us and pressed his forehead into mine.
"What if it's good" he whispered, and he kissed my wet cheek.
"What if it's great!" and he kissed the corner of my mouth.
"What if I want to hold you and never let go?" Then he pulled me into his arms and held me and stroked my back while I wept into his shoulder.
I melted into him. Being held by him, and understanding in my bones that he loved me in all the same ways that I loved him made me feel shaky and lightheaded. The physical reality of his muscle and sinew pressed against my cheek, of his strong arms holding me tightly to him, made me dizzier still. An elation began to bubble up inside me, a wild wanton recklessness and my tears turned to laughter. I lifted my head from his shoulder and smiled at him. He smiled back, a soft, tender smile.
"Only one way to find out" I whispered.