Archive of Our Own ^beta

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September 17, 7:45 PM - 94 days since infection

It turned out the supermarket wasn't as dangerous as I feared. Saki was right... but I have my reasons for being wary of everything. This place has many areas we haven't explored yet: the cellars, the refrigerators... it doesn't matter. We just came to get our stuff and leave, right? It was simple, but Saki had a little problem.

If it wasn't enough trying to restrain her along the way, so she wouldn't speak so loudly to Honami, now it turns out she's hurt. Just as we got what we needed, Saki started looking for something... I think it was a cookie on a shelf. And that shelf fell on top of her.

She's fine, thank God. I wouldn't know what to do if that shelf had crushed her. But she is hurt. Badly hurt. I checked her ankle, and I think she twisted it. Damn…

So we can't leave this place until tomorrow. Ichika stayed with Saki for a while, and she told me she can't walk. We can't leave, not with the infected outside and Saki unable to walk.

If I learned anything from that medical book I was reading the other day, it's that when you twist your ankle, the best thing to do is rest until the swelling goes down. There wasn't any ice at the supermarket either, so the rest period should be longer.

But the important thing is that we're all alive and healthy. Ichika and I made a small shelter in a supermarket office, away from windows so no infected person could see or hear us at night.

I'll be keeping watch tonight, so I hope Ichika takes good care of Saki. And I'll make sure nothing happens to them. I'm not letting my guard down.

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September 17

Well, I think Shiho finally fell asleep. I know she insisted on keeping watch, but she finally gave in. She's been carrying too much on her shoulders lately: Saki's situation, now that we have to be at this supermarket tonight, those nights when she's barely slept because she's keeping watch… It was hard, but I managed to convince her to let me protect them tonight.

Shiho always comes up with some weird excuse: that the infected are stronger, that I can't protect myself, that I need to take care of Saki… they're just excuses. At least that's it, right? Tonight is my turn to keep watch.

I've been looking at Saki's foot. It doesn't look too swollen, but it's very red. It must be because she broke her ankle. It will take a while to heal, but I hope she'll be able to walk tomorrow.

And Shiho… she looks so adorable when she's sleeping. She seems so different from her usual grumpy, irritable Shiho. Although deep down, she thinks it's the only way to protect us.  She was always like that: always direct, very bad with her emotions. I know I've said it before, but Honami was the only one Shiho managed to soften up to. And I hope I'm making some progress, too.

…

Everything is very quiet. Except for the strange noises the infected make at night… the ruined city is terrifyingly calming. Was this why Shiho always insisted on being the one to do the night rounds? To enjoy this calm?

Maybe so…

Anyway, I think I'll go find some ice somewhere. Shiho said there are places in this supermarket she didn't dare explore. And I don't blame her: there are lots of bloodstains everywhere, dirt, mold… and most of all, darkness. So much darkness. It's perfect for the infected, but… I want to be useful too. Even though we got plenty of supplies, I have a feeling there's an appliance section somewhere in the supermarket.

Shiho mentioned something about fixing the radio, didn't she? Maybe I could find the missing parts, which I think are a battery and an antenna... or maybe I could find a fully functional radio. That would definitely calm Shiho down and make her more... herself.

I'll go armed with this bat. It's not much, but it gives me a feeling of security if anything happens.

Although... Deep down, this is a stupid thing to do. Stupid, but necessary.

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September 17

Oh god, oh no… Why was I so stupid? I knew it was stupid to do that, and yet I still did it.

…

…

Calm down, Ichika. Calm down. Not all is lost. Not all is…

I can't let Shiho and Saki know.

Shiho doesn't have the heart to hurt me, and Saki… if she's already bad enough hallucinating about Honami, I don't want to imagine what will happen to her if she finds out that I…

…I was a fool. It was a very obvious risk, and yet I decided to do it.

This is only my fault… it's only mine, right?

…

I have time. The ice should work. The longer I delay it, the more time Shiho and Saki have to figure out what to do with me.

For now, I'll just hold on. I don't want to hurt them, and neither do they.

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September 18, 12:03 - 95 days since infection

We were able to get out of that supermarket alive. It was a relief to get out of there unharmed. Saki was able to walk again. It was hard, but at least she could walk normally long enough to return to school. She complained about the pain, but that's normal. That ankle will be sore for a while, but I just checked on her and she's already recovered. I saw her jumping around there, saying something about going to the garden with Honami.

She's still trapped in that... delusion of hers. I want her to be herself, I really do, but Ichika refuses. Like I said before, I don't want to cause any trouble for Ichika. Even if it means... having to pretend Honami is with us.

Speaking of Ichika, she's been acting really weird since last night. She managed to convince me that she could take over, and I'm grateful for that. I feel much better; I think I really needed those 8 or 9 hours of sleep. Although... Ichika refused to talk much about her rounds last night. She constantly evaded the subject, only telling me that there were no problems, that it was a peaceful night.

It's not that I'm suspicious, but there are just too many things that can go wrong. And it doesn't help that Ichika refuses to give details. Nor does it help that she's more distant from us.

Maybe she's hiding something... but I don't want to force her to talk. I don't want her to feel any more pressured than she already is with this whole Saki thing. But I'll keep an eye on her anyway.

Changing the subject... we were able to find a lot of supplies there. Medical supplies, some things we needed for the school, enough food to survive until the garden starts growing, all of that.

Ah, yes, the garden. I think something's finally starting to grow. Before we left for the supermarket, Ichika showed me a small plant growing. Its leaves were barely visible, but there they were. It was a carrot, if I remember correctly. I'll have to get used to vegetables, as much as I hate some of them...

Well, I've also been reading that neuroscience book I found a few days ago. It's more interesting than I thought, honestly. Although I read it more for fun than for mere knowledge, it's still interesting how the human mind is described so... accurately? I don't know, I'm no expert.

Anyway, I'll probably finish it before the month is out. I'm just reading those chapters that sound interesting, or I'd be reading this book for months just because of the page count. And I also want to fix that radio. Ichika told me that last night she looked for what's missing near where we were sleeping, but she couldn't find anything.

It was very risky, but besides that weird distance she's putting on... I don't know. I suspect she's hiding something, but I can't figure out what it is.

Until then, I'll keep an eye on her.

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September 19

My head hurts a lot... but not the typical migraine pain, but something more... I feel like something is literally drilling into my skull... And my arm... I feel like it's burning. My whole body is burning.

I can't let the others see me like this. I don't want to worry them anymore, even if I already am.

Yesterday I was going through some of the things we brought with us when all this started and... I found some notes I made before the outbreak. I was finishing writing a song with Saki, and I remember Shiho had offered to write it with Honami. If all went well, we were supposed to practice it that same week before our performance. And yet, all of that... ruined.

And maybe I'll ruin everything now too. It's my fault, I know... but I wanted to help, okay? It's not fair that this should happen to me because I wanted to help Shiho...

I don't know how much longer I have, but I feel really bad now... I just want... neither Shiho nor Saki to see me when this all happens...

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September 20

Today, I woke up with a lot of chills. The burning in my body stopped a bit, but... my head still hurts a lot. I dont want to stay nearby from the others, but I have to do it. They owe it to me.

...Huh? Why did I say that?

I meant they need me. Even if I change, Im still important to them. And Saki... I dont know what I will do with her. I dont want to lie to her again, but if she can't be normal without hallucinating with Honami... What will happen to her, once I completely change?

And Shiho... I know she doesnt have the heart to hurt me. I think she suspects something, but she has no reason yet to confront me. 

And I'm not ready for that either.

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September 22, 4:45 PM

Ichika is very strange. Something's definitely happened to her, and she's very sick. Last night, while I was doing my nightly rounds, I saw her wandering around the hallway leading to the kitchen. I wanted to say something to her, but she just stood… motionless, staring out the window.

Something very strange has definitely happened to her. But what? She barely had breakfast this morning, and she was a little pale, too. She's still keeping her distance, and although Saki thinks Ichika doesn't want to give us her cold, I know there's something else she's hiding.

I hope I'm wrong, but I do have reason to worry.

Or maybe it's just a cold and she doesn't really want to infect us. That wouldn't explain what she did last night either, but if she's just got a cold, maybe she was just sleepwalking.

Anyway, last night I thought I saw something while I was keeping watch on the rooftop. A... light or something, coming from an abandoned condominium. It might be too risky to go there, but it caught my attention. If that light happens again tonight, I'll definitely go investigate tomorrow.

Though I'll only do that if Ichika gets over her cold... thing, whatever it is she has.

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September 22

Today I went to water the vegetable garden with Hona-chan. We talked a bit about the plants starting to grow and that Shiho is the only one who doesn't approve of the garden. She doesn't like vegetables, so it's normal.

Although Hona-chan noticed that Icchan is sick. She's a little pale and coughing a lot, and she hardly wants to eat with us. I don't think it's as worrisome as Hona-chan tells me; maybe Icchan caught a cold when we went to the supermarket.

Neither of us has had a cold like this in a long time, but the change of season could be affecting her. Or maybe she's allergic to pollen and we're just realizing it!

Shiho says she's worried, but I told her not to panic. Icchan will recover soon, and we'll get back to our daily routine. Besides, she still hasn't kept her promise that we would finish writing that song together.

Anyway, I hope Icchan gets better so we can finish that song.  I'm so excited about it!

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September 22

I don't feel well...

...That's not the date, is it?

September 24

My head hurts so much. It's not so much someone drilling into my skull, but a high fever. I couldn't sleep last night because of the fever.

I don't want to worry them, but Shiho already suspects something. She must think it's just a cold, but... I think she saw the bandage on my arm this morning.

The only thing I'm missing is for Shiho to have to deal with me in this state. I don't want her to have to do that, but she already suspects something. And she'll probably decide to interrogate me one day soon.

...I'm really hungry, but at the same time, I have no appetite. Last night, while we were having dinner, I couldn't help but notice how... delicious the finger of-

Why is this happening to me? I just wanted to live a normal life, and now...

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September 26

Yesterday, while searching for food in the basement, I found the uniforms we used to wear in the band. Mine still fits me!

…All of that is lost, isn't it? Without Honami, Leo/Need would no longer exist. And with me… I… I don't know what to do anymore…

I promised Saki we'd finish the song, and Shiho that I'd help her get parts for that radio… all of that is lost.

I was helping Saki in the garden… her hands were stained with dirt, but they looked so… delicious. I mean… dirty.

…Was Saki's skin always so… soft? Sometimes, I wonder what her flesh could taste like.

No, no. Focus, Ichika. You're stronger than this. No matter how… delicious the others look. They're my friends. They're… friends

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September 27

Ichika is… very strange. Much more so than before. I swear to God, I saw her last night, standing in front of my room, staring at me. When I finally got a better look, she was gone. Do sleepwalkers behave this strangely? Maybe she couldn't sleep, but she didn't want to wake us up either.

And this morning wasn't much better. While we were having breakfast, she mentioned that “we smell good.” Saki just laughed, as if it were a joke. Maybe it was, but it's a very bad joke; Ichika doesn't usually joke like that.

Maybe it's the fever that's making her feel sick. But she's had a fever for about two days, and she refuses to let me help her. Besides, Saki doesn't find anything strange about it. I shouldn't just go by what Saki says, because… you know. She's still talking to Honami, but… maybe I'm exaggerating, maybe I'm just very tired and seeing things that aren't right.

Although her voice… has changed. Ichika always speaks with a cheerful calm, but since yesterday there's something else in her tone. Higher pitch, more tense. As if she struggled to get each word out, or as if she were holding something back.

After breakfast, Ichika went to the basement to get something with Saki. I followed them, just to watch and make sure nothing bad happened to them, and then I saw her. Ichika leaned in slightly and sniffed Saki for a while.

I don't know if I'm exaggerating. I don't know if it's lack of sleep, or just her illness. But sometimes I look at her and… I don't recognize her.

There are times when she doesn't seem like herself.

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Saki smells good... like... sweets. And Shiho... she smells like... like... I don't know, rice, maybe?

But Shiho... she's very tense. Tense meat doesn't taste good.

...What? Why am I...?

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They're my friends, not food. They're not food. They're my friends.

No matter how… delicious they look, they're my friends.

I shouldn't hurt them… I shouldn't.

But just a little taste wouldn't hurt.

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Just one finger.

One finger isn't much. They still have 10 more.

It's not much.

Not much.

Not much.

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Last night, Saki scratched her finger while cutting a carrot.

Her blood looked so… sweet. Too bad Shiho was with us.

…

No, no. Ichika, control yourself. They're my friends, not food. Even though they look very appetizing, they're not… they're not food. They're…

….

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Yesterday I was with the one who smells like sweets and the taut flesh on the rooftop. We were looking at the horizon, I think.

Taut flesh is still taut. It's not appetizing like that.

…

I have to stay away from them. Shiho… yes, Shiho. She suspects me. She'll know any moment.

Just… keep Saki away from me.

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Friends. No biting. Separate myself from them. I must… no food.

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[This entry is empty, except for some stains and dirt.]

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October 4

Yesterday, Saki and I went out to get some supplies. I didn't want to bring her with me, what with that whole Honami thing, but she insisted.

I don't know why she didn't ask Ichika out, but I assume it's because of her illness. Or whatever it is she has. She's been very... nervous? Anxious? I don't know. I just know she's still very pale, but nothing more. It doesn't help that, for some reason, she seems happier and more active at night or when there's little sunlight, and almost tame in bright light. Still, her strange behavior has somewhat stopped.

Except for the day before yesterday. I saw her wandering around the hallway. She went to Saki's room for a while, doing who knows what, and then she came to my room.

...it was just terrifying. She just stood there, in the doorway, looking at me out of the corner of her eye. She barely moved, and... I think she was shaking. And those weird noises she made… it was like she was holding something back. It was the first time in a long time that I decided to take out my bat on her, but she left just in time and never came back.

Yesterday morning, she ate alone again.

It's very strange, and I'm not willing to put up with the uncertainty anymore. Whatever's happening to Ichika, I'll find out today. I just... I want Saki to go away. If something really bad happened to Ichika, Saki won't be able to resist.

As much as it bothers me that she keeps talking to Honami, and that on our little outing yesterday I had to humor her, I understand that at least it keeps her functioning. And in that book I was reading, I read a section that said that in cases like these, you have to slowly make the person understand that nothing is real.

And I don't want to risk seeing the consequences if something goes wrong and Saki becomes depressed again.

Anyway, after dinner, I'll take the opportunity to talk to Ichika. She'll tell me what's going on, by fair means or foul-

…

Ichika? Why is she…? Is that saliva?

…

…

Oh god! Oh god, no! It can't… she almost killed me! Ichika came in and…! She attacked me! God, why?!

I was barely able to defend myself against her, but she was too aggressive. I managed to hit her with my bat and…

…she's still breathing, thank God. She's just… unconscious.

Saki can't know this. I have to keep her away from this…

…

I managed to tie her to a chair. I made sure the knots were strong enough so she couldn't escape. My heart is still racing, god.

…That… that thing isn't Ichika anymore…

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October 4

I heard a strange noise a little while ago, coming from Shiho's room. I went to check, but she told me she was fixing something in her room. She always makes a lot of noise when she wants to build barricades or fix something, so that noise doesn't surprise me that much.

I'm worried about Icchan. She's been acting strange lately. I think she doesn't want to eat with us, did we do something to make her angry?

Hona-chan told me not to worry; maybe she's just sick. But she's been like this for several days, so it's strange.

Shiho doesn't really know what's wrong with Icchan either. She told me she'll talk to her later, and that I should stay calm. I trust her.

I hope Icchan gets better; she's been sick for a few days.

Oh, yes! Yesterday I was talking to Hona-chan about what we'll do once Shiho manages to fix the radio. I think she's made progress, something with an antenna or something, but she told me she still has a long way to go. Hona-chan and I agreed that when the radio is fixed, we'll use it for the plants. I read in a book I found at the library that it's good to stimulate plants with sound. Can you imagine if one of our songs would be played on the radio? It would be incredible!

Although I don't know if any of our songs will be released, we haven't recorded them and we're very little known.

…

That strange noise again. I'll go see what's going on.