Archive of Our Own ^beta

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My mom has been nice to me for a few weeks now. Which im great full as hell for, shes usually bad? If that makes sense. Long story short, she hates me, yells at me, doesn't support me or anything I do, criticizes me on the daily. But shes been kind of nice for almost two weeks.

Enough about that.

Recently, I thought I've been getting better, I was wrong. I've gotten worse, I'm more suicidal than ever, and I have more and more urges to cut on a daily. 

The blood dripping down my wrists, shoulders and thighs, it was so goddamn reliving...

What am I even talking about.. Jesus...

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The earliest I can remember someone being creepy to me is when I was in 4-5th grade. I was around 9-10 maybe even 11 and I had TikTok. Secretly though. My parents found out and I got in trouble. Me, being an idiot I went to Likee, the worst app platform a child could ever be on. At the time, I was obsessed with Fairytok (this was in 2021-2022) and wanted to post fairy roleplay videos on my newly found account. Before I started posting videos like that though, I enjoyed posting gacha videos.

When I started posting videos on the Fairytok topic, I never wore socks. Big mistake. A few months into making those videos for fun I was getting alot of comments from old dudes commenting on how pretty my feet were, how bad they wanted to fuck me...I was  traumatized by these of course and deleted the comments, and a day later, my videos then account.

More recently (from back in October 2024, more specifically October 25th 2024, the day before my 13th birthday.) I was dating a girl at the time. She wanted to stay at my house even though she knew that was the day I wanted for myself to prep for my birthday and cosplay since it was a cosplay/Murder Drones party, yet still wanted too. She said that she had to stay over cause she wouldn't be able to come the day later since her parents would be at work. I found out the same day that was a lie. 

More on the topic of what happened, we had only been dating for a few weeks but she didn't care. The whole day that she was at my house she used it as her own even though I said to stop jumping on the living room couch and to stop wandering cause I was uncomfortable by it. This didn't stop her though.

When night fell, we were sitting on my bed, in the dark with only a dim light shining through from my small lamp. Tv Girl was playing lowly in the background, and I was getting tired. 

But she wanted more I suppose.

She kept on begging me to get on her lap, I said no multiple times. "No, I dont think im comfortable yet", "No thanks", "I think I'm too heavy..." Eca, eca...I said no untill she got to a point where she threatened me by saying she would leave me. So, I sat on her lap.

I was already uncomfortable on her lap, she was holding my waist, close to my face, and I could feel her warm breath on my neck.

She kissed me.

I didn't want that.

I felt violated.

My lips were violated but I felt like I had to kiss her back. 

I hated that.

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Since my bsf started dating someone in the group, I feel like ive been ignored way more often. like first she always chose me to do duo projects but now he's her first pick- i may just be being over dramatic but it still kinda hurts. today was the last day of school and I wanted to talk to her but still couldn't. I can't even see her for the whole summer now and it doesn't help that me and her bf hate eachother practically.

It's not jealousy much, or hating being the 3rd wheel, I just wish we were as close as we were before if that makes sense? It was 11am, today was a short day for the last day of school and I was tearing up in class. I was thinking of what to say to her, I was already practically crying since I had the best teachers this year and I hate saying goodbye.

It was perfectly planned out too! I would walk up to her as soon as the bell rang. But I couldn't. She was already talking to him and someone else, I should've expected it though. I got on my bike and rode past them. They didn't say "goodbye" which i didn't mind much, they kind of just ignore me even when I do try to talk to them.

While I was riding my bike, I took out my phone and texted them. 

"Have a good summer guys"

I'm so selfish, wanting an apology...stupid, stupid, stupid!

She said we were supposed to get a bunch of videos and pictures! I was so exited...guess not I suppose.

"We didn't get to get pics"

"i was tryna help jordan find his bag so thats why we didnt get the chance to"

"Its good"

It's good...

It wasn't good though? Atleast to me-

I had the whole thing written on paper, practicing saying it to her.

"Hey- I'm sorry i was a shitty friend this year, you never were suppost to stay, yet you did...and I'm forever greatful for that...stay gold, kay?"

I crumbled that paper up as soon as I got home.

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May 22nd, 2025

May 22nd, 2025...

I don't know why I'm defending the one who's caused me pain. The one who posted videos about my on TikTok, the one who...

I met them a month after I had just broken up with my ex we were forced to break up and I accidentally fell inlove with them, wanting someone to fill that void.

They were so nice at first too.

But I guess not.

"is this about me?-" I texted, hoping that it wasn't really about me but described us and our issues pretty damn good.

"Honest truth max, yeah. You said you liked me- you “loved” me, then when I said I didn’t like someone for VALID reasons you didn’t care and instead rhat person kept yelling how you didn’t like me anymore hated me and no longer wanted to be my friend so yes it’s about you and him. Bc I’ll be damned if me not liking someone and being physically uncomfortable around a person to the point I’m defensive and my walls are back up and I’m the girl I was 4-5 years ago again will be ignored and disrespected. And then instead of telling my yourself you distanced yourself and I don’t do that shit we got problems you tell me. In any case it was my end of year crash out of pissed me off I posted about it Cussing gets more attention on the internet so there’s that"

Glory...that was alot.

It was also hard to read with all the typos.

"Can you just delete it though? I never had issues, I was just conflicted..."

"Why ? It’s my life my post my account but I will happily block whoever sent you the video as it was only on my TikTok which few people from school have"

"I feel like if we have issues, we can just talk about it and not bring others into it though-"

"I feel like I’m not gonna deal with bs or nonsense while I’m planning for a party. Tho I agree we could be civil and talk I’m choosing not to. You either deal with it like the rest of my friends would laugh and be like wtf or get off my line. I post a lot of shit max a lot of shit and if you don’t like it get over it"

"I don't mind you posting vids I guess, just don't say who I am directly in the vids I don't need people hating me as soon as I get into highschool"

"I can talk about who I want and say what I want first amendment freedoms of speech and freedom of press If they don’t like you they aren’t for you"

"Right then..."

Jesus fucking Christ! Thats all I ever said! "Right then", "okay", eca!

I always just followed them around like a damn beaten puppy on the streets...

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Its not that I don't have friends, its that i dont think i deserve them much. I cause a lot of issues in the group, like today, everyone was happy and stuff and then im not talking and then randomly one of them gets all mad and I dont really know why- I think its my fault.

It’s always my fault, mom says its my fault, my brother, even my friends, I don't really deserve anything. If i died no one would care cause it WOULD be a good thing.

In my old friend group from 6th grade, that whole situation was my fault. Quoted from my mom even though she forgot she said it. REMEMBER EVERYTHING.

I should just die already, the world would be better off without me. I'm a waste of air and I should kill myself, my brother says that but hes not wrong, he never WAS wrong. He never really was. Im a waste of air and food, I dont deserve to eat, and I DON'T deserve to breathe.

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Anyways, I'm stupid, I quiet literally don't know know any math past 4th grade cause I'm like stupid or something, and then when it comes to my other classes and grades im literally so exhausted and tired of everything I don't even have the motivation to do anything, it doesnt matter much anyways since I'm just going to kill myself before I hit 20 anyways.

I'm literally in a resource class! Even my school thinks I'm stupid and I've only ever had 3 teachers really care I guess...

I hate this all.

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Mom has become worse. All I want to do is be myself with no one judging me, all I want is support, is that too much to ask for?

Yes.

Shes just being straight up mean to me every single day now and then wonders why im 'mean' back to her.

A few days ago she was straight up bullying me for liking Sonic the Hedgehog (mainly Shadow)? Girl you should be used to the obsession already from when I was in 3rd grade, how is it different now that I'm 13?

I never asked for this, I never asked to be born or brought up in a household like this. It just all feels like the only support I can get now is from my friends, aunt and cousin and the FUCKING SUICIDE HOTLINE BUT I CANT REALLY EVEN CALL ANYMORE.

I hate my mom, I DON'T care what shes done for me, shes two faced, disregards everything that I'M worried about and doesnt support me. Sure, I like it when she buys things for me or takes me places, not cause I'm spoiled, no. It's cause I feel like its the only way I can get love from her. I honestly see my literal aunt more as a mother figure than my own mother, and I rarely see her! Anyways, I got suspended for joking around with one of my friends. My mom takes me home, curses me out and throws a mechanical pencil at me, all good though, I'm lowkey used to it.

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Everyone always calls me a horrible person and then call me a pick me when I actually do. 

I'll show you whos damn mean then.

I'm not perfect, but maybe if you suported me I would be better. Growing up, when I got into trouble, I was either beaten or not fed. There's no in between, but now, it's grown on me. Any time I cause trouble, I don't eat, I don't deserve to, I don't deserve a good and healthy relationship with food. If im forced to eat while im not allowing myself to, I'll just throw it up, don't force it. Never force it. Even if I am hungry, I just drink water fastly, or chew gum, or eat ice... then again, two of those options are now off the list. The sound of chewing also causes panic, it panics me, i can't take it i hate the sounds of chewing i hate them so much i wish people just didn't have to eat, i have to cover my ears and try not to cry, no one cares though, i'm just seen as overdramatic and crazy. Crazy. It smells like plastic sometimes, burning plastic and play-dough. Maybe I have misophonia? It's usually self-diagnosable and common in people with autism and adhd. I really wanna get noise-reducing headphones, but I'll just get

called crazy. Loud sounds, loud banging sounds, clapping, cheering, chewing, anything, I hate it, I wish I were deaf. Something else I might have is trichotillomania. I'm constantly picking at my scalp and eyebrows, pulling hair out. I can't stop, I try to stop, yet I can't.

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Basically what happened was my ex's mom looked through our chats, didn't like the fact that I was not mentally ok and Igbtq and told my mom, my mom found out that I was trans and mentally not ok but she was more worried about me being lgbtq and then went on to being the most transphobic person in the world to the point it was FUNNY cause she was literally so pressed, actually more than trump lmao.

But I'm surprised one can even be that much of a hater, oh yeah I'm also not allowed to cosplay and make masks anymore, I'm banned from it and then she has the audacity to say shes the most supportive person ill ever have, my ex's mom and my mom then went on to make me seem like the bad guy, she also reset my phone and made it a mini version of her phone, so all the pics of us were deleted, all my games, texts. And I genuinely don't know what to do anymore, I would go to the principal or counselor but I'm to scared to go alone and no one wants to go with me and, she threw away my melanie martinez collection and then I sobbed ALOT, and she said I couldn't be a fan anymore for no reason, and with a bad excuse with "not liking the names of the songs" " she just wanted to upset.

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Thought that maybe if I joked about the hair-pulling thing to my mom, she would understand, so I emailed her, yet I yelled at her once again.

I just want help, I hate this so much I physically can't stop. Maybe if I send a joke in response, it'll make her stop. Just stop. Stop. She yells at home and even tries it through text. I don't even know why I ask for help anymore. When I got in the car after being suspended, my mom started cursing at me in the car. The windows were down so you could hear the screaming through the neighborhoods, there were other kids outside in school, and they all just stared at her... and me. Then she started making herself the victim and went on a rant about the LGBTIA+ community. "WHY DO YOU HAVE TO DO THIS TO ME!? YOU'VE ALREADY DONE THIS WITH *dead name*! WHATEVER THE HELL HER NAME IS! PRETENDING TO BE LESBIANS? DISGUSTING! YOU'RE BOTH JUST STUPID LITTLE KIDS! DUMB ASS BRATS!" She usually talks like that to me, even when she's the one who doesn't understand the meaning of words like lesbian; she just throws them around. She first disrespects my identity, then she disrespects my ex. How low can she go?

It's alright though, just five more years, it'll all be over...for good. 

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I've asked my mom for therapy multiple times over the years.

Now therapy won't even help, I'm so far deep into my own insanity that I've went from there's a chance at saving me to being the toxicity.

I've been given up on by life.

By whatever God is up there.

There's no saving me.

I'm going to die soon. I don't think i can take this anymore.

So perhaps this is my suicide note.

I'm sorry, even though I seem like I never mean it, there really is no saving me.

I'll probably kill myself in a few years.

Maybe when I'm 18.

I wanted to see the world.

I wanted to do alot, I guess I really can't now. 

I'm pure anger and rage embodied.

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I got what I wanted.

"Make all my friends leave me, there's no fixing me"

I don't know why, but it didn't hurt when they left?

We have so many memories together, but it didn't hurt?

Why the fuck didn't it hurt? Did this shit really happen so many times?

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The last day of school was the last day o could say goodbye, hug them, formally apologize for getting worse. 

Yet I didn't.

She didn't wanna stock around for good reasons I guess, she would only hurt herself while trying to help me, which is a pretty goddamn good reason to leave a friend.

Maybe if my mom actually got me into therapy to genuinely help me I would be a different person. But shes said she would get me into therapy for three years straight. 2023, 2024 and 2025. She only ever said she would to get me to shut up I guess, but im done fucking trying, I'm sick of this, I'm sick of everything I can't take this anymore.

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Sometimes it feels like there's multiple people cramped up in my brain.

Like I would just be acting normal, then I'd start acting like a completely different person. I also sometimes refer to myself as different names in my head if that makes sense, my names Max, I've went by that since I came out as Trans, but I just don't know why I still call my self different names or why it feels like I'm never actually one person.