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Felix’s mind was at a blank as he nibbled worriedly on his bottom lip. He had been trying to perfect rap for the last few hours and trying to re-watch the replays over and over endlessly to try to catch any possible mistakes he may have made or could improve, so much so he was sure the video was practically burned into his mind.
He sighed leaning back in his chair, head swirling with lyrics and thoughts.Lately, Chan, Jisung, and Changbin had been busy with other things so they didn’t have much time to squeeze in lessons with him anymore.
However, he had his full intentions to prove to them he could do it by himself and used his classic move, ‘disappear for weeks in the office or in his room to practice till he dropped from exhaustion.’
He leaned forwards rubbing his eyes, biting down harder on his lip as his anxiety teased his throat and chest to explode into sobs of exhaustion and overwork.
It had been three weeks now since he started, and he still felt like it wasn’t good enough. Most of the time it only took a maximum of five days for him to perfect something given to him, so he felt utterly defeated.
Slowly Felix pressed down on the replay button, filling himself to listen to the rap through the headphones one more time at least. He had to get this right. He had to. A few replays later he began to feel a familiar irony flavour fill his mouth, but it didn’t bother him, instead, it brought comfort as he continued to bite down harder into the soft flesh of his lip.
It distracted him from his mind- his real worries and thoughts. He enjoyed the feeling, cherishing in the feeling of blood running over his tongue and into his mouth, pressing into the tender burn of the wound.
Suddenly there was a knock on the door, startling him from his trance as he turned around in his chair quickly to see who it was.
“Lix?” A voice recognisable as Hyunjin’s called out, his big doe eyes peering around the corner of the doorframe, fingers rested around the doorknob tightly.
“Hyung,” Felix smiled tightly, he must have looked like total shit considering how Hyunjin’s eyes immediately turned glassy with concern.
“You’ve been in here for hours… I wanted to ask if you wanted to come and get some coffee with me?” He asked now closing the door behind him to approach Felix’s chair.
“I know… I just can’t seem to get it right,” he mumbled honestly, eyes downcast. He didn’t like the way Hyunjin always managed to make him feel so vulnerable like he was an open book to read. Hyunjin sighed and placed a firm hand on his shoulder, “I understand, but maybe you need to take a break for a while and relax.”
With a small nod, he reached forwards to save the audio, planning to listen to it one more time again later and shut off the computer.
Hyunjin smiled warmly “Now how about that cof- oh my god Felix your bleeding!”
Felix froze and reached up to his face feeling the spot he had been biting on, drawing his hand away in surprise when he saw red drops soaking into the finger pads of his skin. He didn’t realise how much he had been biting it.
The older boy dropped down on his knees and lifted a thumb to wipe away some of the blood, “What happened?”
Felix felt choked, he let his head fall into his hyung’s hand, as a show of submission. He felt so tired suddenly like the touch had completely drained him of any type of resilience and strength.
"Lixie…” Hyunjin whispered, wrapping both hands around the younger boy’s freckled cheeks, thumbing the skin gently when he noticed he had begun to cry. “It’s okay Lix, it’s okay.”
“I don’t feel okay, hyung.” He said, surprised at how steady his own voice sounded despite the fact he felt like he was choking back sobs of desperation, “I-I don’t want to b-be kicked out.”
“Kicked out? Felix hey this isn’t the survival show anymore, we are all here all eight of us, no one’s going to get kicked out.” Hyunjin tried to soothe, but his words seemed to break the dam, and soon the locked-up sobs exploded.
Felix let out a horrid rumble, his chest shaking as it rolled out of his throat, tears beginning to stain Hyunjin’s pretty hands. The salty droplets sliding over his silver and golden rings, making them glisten and shine.
He slid off his chair and onto the floor, wrapping his arms tightly around Hyunjin, trying to hold onto something real, to ground himself. Trying to breathe, to blink away the tears, to ride out the waterfall of emotions.
He felt like he was weightless, a meaningless spec of an empty existence, everything felt too loud, too bright.
“We are safe now Felix. All of us are safe, you are doing so well, you don’t need to worry about anything- you hear me? Nothing at all, hyung is here now.” Hyunjin promised, returning the hug double the strength, pressing soft kisses into the crown of his hair to offer more comfort.
Felix sobbed and nodded into his chest as more kind words continued to fall out of Hyunjin’s mouth and soothe him back to reality.
They sat like that for many minutes, hunched on the floor snuggled together, the muffled sounds of Felix’s sadness like a broken record in Hyunjin’s ears. He hated that sound, the sound of their sadness, and how much it reminded him of the night Felix was eliminated.
He held them closer, running his hands through the soft blonde hair, he just wanted them to be okay, for them to feel happy and safe.
Eventually, Felix’s sobs began to quiet, and trembles lessen, peeking up from Hyunjin’s chest shyly with red-rimmed eyes.
They pulled apart, with somewhat reluctance on both sides, and sat back, staring at each other. Hyunjin noticing that there was still blood smeared over the boy’s lip, and there was now red rings under his eyes from crying.
Felix seemed to soften, chuckling hoarsely before rubbing his eyes of remaining tears with the backs of his hands, “S-sorry Hyunjin hyung, I didn’t mean for that to happen.”
He smiled, reaching for his hands, drawing them away from irritated red eyes, “It’s okay, let’s just get some cof- actually scratch that let's get a milkshake and some delicious food- your pick.”
Felix giggled, genuinely this time, clutching at his hands tightly like it was the only thing in the entire world.
The light slowly beginning to twinkle back into them, the stars in his eyes reflecting the ones on his cheeks.
“That sounds nice.”
And so, they left the office, and Hyunjin insisted they hold hands the whole way, claiming he had no winter gloves to protect him from the snow’s bite.