Work Text:
Kanade had just finished her new song. “Maybe.. Maybe this one,” she mutters to herself. Just maybe, if this song is the one that could save Mafuyu, then maybe Kanade could rest. But for now, she can't rest even for the shortest time.
She keeps hitting herself on the head to keep herself awake. She had stayed up for 3 days straight to write this song. It was one of the shorter ones.
She saved the song, then opened up Nightcord. The others had already started talking.
Amia:
Amia:
Enanan:
Amia:
Enanan:
Yuki: <...>
Yuki:
K:
Amia:
Enanan:
Kanade uploads the song to Nightcord. As the song plays, the others listen to her melody. Could this be the song that saves Mafuyu for once and for all? Kanade keeps her head down and drowns in her own thoughts.
The song finishes. She raises her head and looks at her screen straight at Mafuyu's expression. Her face was straighter than a ruler, as always.
Amia:
Enanan:
Amia: <”for once” AHAHAHAAH youve agreed with me on something more than once>
Enanan:
Amia:
Yuki:
The same reaction as always. I guess this song wasn’t good enough.
Amia:
Enanan:
Yuki:
Enanan:
…
K:
K:
Kanade closed Nightcord before anybody could reply. She sits back and stares blankly at her keyboard.
“All…All of these songs, and not a single one could fully save Mafuyu. All these songs were useless,” she says out loud to herself, being careful not to be too loud as Mafuyu might hear her.
Tears start streaming down her cheeks.
That one time, her song.. made Mafuyu smile, even just for a second. That was the closest she ever got to saving her.
That smile meant a lot to Kanade.
That smile was her reason to keep going.
To keep trying.
But her songs have been going nowhere ever since that day.
She remembers the reason she even started composing in the first place. After she had caused Papa to fall into a coma, she thought her only purpose on this planet was to compose. To compose songs that would save somebody.
Some of the comments under her videos said things like “This song saved me,” “This song is so beautiful it saved me,” or something along the lines of that.
And, yeah, those comments made Kanade feel amazing, like she had just saved someone, but were they really saved?
She lifts her arms to her head and starts pulling on her hair as more tears fall down. Her face was red, she was getting a headache.
Kanade always hated headaches as a child, but ever since that day, she never complained about a single one. Because she deserved it. She didn't deserve anything nice. She was a monster, and deserved to suffer just like how her father did.
She deserved her pain.
Her tears fall onto her arms, covered with fresh cuts from earlier today. It stings through her skin, but she doesn't care.
“I..I can't even do anything..” she says to herself.
She starts to wonder.. Should she give up?
She can't even succeed in the one thing she wanted to do: save people. The one purpose she has on this earth. Otherwise, she's a piece of garbage that needs to be taken out.
But even if she managed to save thousands of people, she would still be the same monster who essentially killed her own father. No matter what, she’s still that same monster.
“Papa.. Papa.. I'm so sorry.. So, so sorry..” she cries out.
She wipes her tears using her blood-stained arm. Some tears continue to fall, but she doesn’t fight it. She sits back and stares at her wall for a good bit, feeling as her thoughts are taking over her mind, drowning her.
A few minutes pass.
Ten minutes pass.
She sniffles and glances at the drawer on her desk, the one next to the window. She moves her chair so she can reach it, and opens the drawer. Inside lies a bottle of pills. She's not exactly sure what they are, but she's almost confident that if she takes enough, it would kill her.
She takes the bottle and shifts her chair to the position it was in before. She holds the bottle in her shaking hand, tilting her head to look down at it.
“I have to.” she says.
“What other purpose do I really have other than to die?”
She opens the pill bottle. They might be expired, they might not be. She doesn’t bother to check.
With the opened pill bottle, she stands up on all of the garbage surrounding her bedroom. Walking to the centre of her room, with the sounds of all the junk being stepped on, and the squeak of a sudden mouse filling the room.
She weakly smiles. She's finally going to be removed from this world she didn't belong in.
She stands up straight, ignoring the larder beetle crawling up her leg. She lifts the bottle up to her mouth, about to spill the contents into her mouth.
The first pill falls into her mouth. She’s starting to feel scared, like she wants to chicken out, but she knows she can't.
She allows the rest of the pills to fall into her mouth. She's about to swallow, but—
“Hey, Kanade, do you have a penci–”
Kanade’s door squeaks open as Mafuyu walks in the room. Mafuyu's expression quickly changes as she sees Kanade in such a state.
At just the sound of the door opening, Kanade instantly falls to the ground and spits out everything inside her mouth, also shaking off that larder beetle.
As Mafuyu’s face goes from straight and tired-looking to surprised and concerned and scared and— everything, she immediately runs to Kanade, holding onto her shoulders trying to make sure if she swallowed even a single one, and if she did, to get it out.
Mafuyu’s face fills with tears as she screams out “Kanade, Kanade!”
Mafuyu’s body falls on top of Kanade’s as she holds her, not wanting to let go. Making sure that she's okay.
Kanade starts sobbing again as well. She falls into Mafuyu’s hands which are holding her.
“Are you alright?! Are you okay?! Why would you do that?! Why did you do that?!” Mafuyu screams out, desperate to find out why she tried to do that, desperate to comfort her, desperate to make her stay.
As Mafuyu is grasping onto Kanade, crying, and screaming, Kanade pushes her away, standing up and getting off the ground. She stares at Mafuyu, who is staring back at her from on the ground.
“Why? Why do you care?” Kanade screams out, tears falling from her face on the cup noodle package she's standing on.
“Why? Why would I not? What do you mean?!,” Mafuyu screams back at her, getting up from off of the ground and standing, and holds and digs into Kanades fragile shoulders.
“Isn't it obvious, isn't it obvious Mafuyu?!” she screams, looking Mafuyu in the eyes.
“It was all my fault! I was the one who put Papa into a coma, I was the one who made him suffer, I wanted to save people with my music, to make up for it, but I can't even do THAT properly! I wanted to save YOU, but my songs can't reach you, but—” Kanade runs out of breath then, her breathing is heavy and shaky.
“I am a horrible person, I am a monster, I don't deserve anything but to disappear! I don't deserve the kindness you and the others give me! I could never never be loved, and I don't deserve to be either!” Kanade continues, sobbing in Mafuyu's shirt as she clings onto her.
Mafuyu lets Kanade cry for a few seconds before butting in.
“I know that you could never be ‘unloved’ because I love you, Kanade! I love you so much, and I don't care that your songs 'don't reach me’ because i’ll love your music anyway! Your melodies, they’re so beautiful, and I don't want you to ever think otherwise!” Mafuyu screams out, now sobbing basically as much as Kanade now.
They’re both holding onto each other, embracing each other as they cry into each others shirts.
“You.. you love me?” Kanade asks, as the tears stop falling down her face
“Yes! I love you Kanade! More than anything else in the entire universe!” Mafuyu takes her hands off Kanades shoulders and stands straight as she screams out her love for her.
They both stand silent for a while. The sounds of their crying and shaking stop, as they both simply stare at Kanades disgusting floor.
“I don't deserve you,” Kanade says, simple and clear, without any crying. She says it while she stares Mafuyu in the eyes.
“I don't care if you don't deserve me, I want you Kanade, I love you, Kanade. I don't care,” Mafuyu says with this sort of scared-worried expression on her face.
They look each other in the eyes for a few seconds.
Kanade moves towards Mafuyu, going in for a hug. She reaches her hands down her back and cling onto her shirt.
“I love you too, Mafuyu,” she muttered just loud enough for Mafuyu to hear her words.