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Naruto leaned against the edge of the water, quietly inhaling the steamy air. Around him vapor rose, and he followed it with his eyes until it disappeared into the sky above him, fading into the undefined darkness. He closed his eyes to focus on his body and fully enjoy the experience.
He loved the hot springs and the soothing feeling they brought to both his body and his mind. His muscles were still sore from the hard training session today and he needed the relaxation and the release of the tension in his body.
Naruto took a deep breath and let his head fall back. His elbows rested on the edge of the pool as he spread out his legs. He didn’t need to worry about appearances —he was alone. And sometimes being alone wasn’t as bad as he always felt it was. Because he knew better now. He knew that there were people who could prove to him, more than a hundred times, that he’s not alone anymore. And he couldn’t have been more grateful.
It was night and the village was asleep. Only the sound of the rippling water could be heard. The rustling wind in the distance. Therefore, it was very unlikely for someone to just casually stroll in and join him.
Except that, in fact, someone did.
As Naruto finally decided to open his eyelids again, his pupils widened, staring into the upside-down face of a certain raven-haired boy.
Sasuke!
His already warm cheeks flushed even more at Sasuke’s sudden appearance, standing above him with nothing more than a loose towel around his waist and an emotionless expression on his face.
Naruto immediately closed his legs feeling too exposed now to his rival and closest friend.
Of course, Sasuke noticed his action but only continued to look down on him. He showed no sign of interest. A single grunt escaped his mouth as he finally took his eyes off the blushing Naruto beneath him and straightened up.
He felt even more embarrassed after hearing the almost mocking sound Sasuke had made.
Eventually Sasuke decided to join Naruto in the hot springs after loosening his towel and neatly folding it on top of a big rock. He was now fully exposed.
He looked pleased while slowly stepping into the burning warmth that began to wrap around his body. The steam surrounding him, filling his nostrils and making his head dizzy. The sensation was growing bigger with every step he took.
Naruto tried his best not to stare at his best friend. The way his face muscles softened after feeling the warmth. His tense and stoic expression vanishing. His inner eyebrows lifting just a tiny bit. His abs and his pale skin shimmering in the moonlight while he stepped further and further into the hot water. Just his whole freaking body!
It wasn’t like he was attracted to Sasuke’s body. Sure, he was attractive but not in any way that Naruto would find appealing. At least he didn’t dare to admit that to himself yet.
But deep down in his mind, there was something about Sasuke that Naruto couldn’t take his eyes off. There always was. Like a rope, keeping them connected no matter how far apart they were. No matter how disconnected they felt.
Lost in his thoughts, the familiar stern looking face appeared in front of him before he even noticed.
“What’re you staring at, usaratonkachi?”
“Uh- Nothing! What are you doing here anyway?! You really scared me there a second ago! Appearing so close to my face out of nowhere.”
Naruto quickly defended himself, trying to hide the fact that he had been staring.
“As a ninja you should be able to notice me or at least hear my footsteps. I could have easily attacked you in your state.” Sasuke said calmly, positioning himself on the opposite end of the pool, facing Naruto.
“I’m sorry that I don’t always expect someone to attack me while I’m taking a bath in the hot springs!” Naruto pouted defending. Sasuke was directly facing him, and it felt like his eyes bored into Naruto which made him feel a little self-conscious.
“I don’t know about you Sasuke, but I don’t usually fight people while I’m naked and soaking wet!”
Another grunt from Sasuke’s side.
“Whatever… Don’t be so loud, dobe! I came here to relax and not to deal with your cheeky mouth!”
Naruto’s skin was heating up and he couldn’t quite figure out if it was because of the hot water he had been in for almost twenty minutes, Sasuke’s continuous teasing or the fact that suddenly, Naruto felt like this was a really small pool for two people.
He could see too much and even though they had seen each other naked in the hot springs before, this time it was different. They had grown up and were nearly adults now, both seventeen.
You would think Naruto had become more mature by now but especially in such intimate moments like taking a bath, he was behaving quite the opposite. He didn’t mind when other men were around. Strangers. Men he didn’t know. Men he didn’t have a history with.
But Sasuke wasn’t a stranger. It felt different this time. He felt different.
The confident and casual position he was in —before Sasuke interrupted— faltered, and he found himself rather small and pressed up against the wall. He didn’t want to admit it but everything in Naruto’s posture betrayed him —he was… intimidated.
Of course, Sasuke noticed. He spent his whole childhood with the hyperactive blond who always spoke his mind. He knew when something was off.
After a long silence and some nervous fidgeting from Naruto’s hands, Sasuke finally spoke up.
“Are you okay, dobe? You’ve been acting all strange since I joined you.”
Naruto internally cursed himself for being so obvious.
“Of course I’m okay! Why wouldn’t I?”
He placed his hand on the back of his neck with a forced grin, trying to overplay his completely out-of-character behaviour. But Sasuke didn’t care for his answer and suddenly began to approach Naruto.
“You sure? You look all flushed. Don’t tell me the heat has gotten to you.”
He said, while leaning in dangerously close to Naruto’s face. And before he could respond, he felt the back of Sasuke’s hand resting on his forehead. He could feel himself heating up even more and if he hasn’t been hot a minute ago, he definitely was now. He didn’t dare to move, like he was frozen while Sasuke checked his temperature.
“Hm… you’ve got a normal temperature… Don’t tell me you’re embarrassed and that’s why you’re all red.” Sasuke released his hand again but made no effort to create more space between them. His lips twitched slightly, forming into a cocky smirk while looking down on him.
Naruto released a breath he didn’t know he was holding as Sasuke’s hand left his skin. His brain started working again and he realised he needed an excuse for his flushed appearance. One that wouldn’t make him seem obvious. One that explained his weird behaviour.
“Whatever, teme… I’m not embarrassed!” he pouted while crossing his arms in front of his chest.
“Hah, obviously! Cause you can’t stand being naked and alone in the hot springs with me.” Sasuke stated, a teasing smile playing around his lips.
Naruto only moved his head to the side, childish, so he didn’t need to face Sasuke’s amused looking expression. For a moment they sat there next to each other without moving.
Sasuke let out a long sigh and eventually let the topic slip. He didn’t want to argue now. He wasn’t really in the mood for it and all his energy has been used on the training session earlier. So, he drifted off into his thoughts.
Even though Sasuke was well-trained in hiding his emotions, Naruto’s behaviour still managed to unsettle him. The blonds flushed cheeks, the slight tremble in his fingers and his tense posture whenever Sasuke approached him were enough to make him confused.
A bit nervous even.
Originally this should have been a harmless bath around two boys who had a long, exhausting day and wanted to relax in the steaming hot water. However, it turned into a rather tangled situation with rather tangled feelings.
It wasn’t the first time Naruto irritated Sasuke. But never before had he managed to make his heart pound so ridiculously fast and bring his own cheeks to blush.
To hide his confusion (partly from Naruto, partly from himself) he positioned himself right next to Naruto, following his movements by leaning on the wall behind them. Both avoided their gaze. Both didn’t want to speak about it. Didn’t know how to.
Time passed, without anyone saying something. They didn’t dare to move. No one wanted to be the one who started it. Because often the ones who began were the ones to blame.
So, there it was. This awkward silence.
Or was it?
Sure, at first, they both felt uncomfortable. Naruto, because he just felt Sasuke’s skin on his and because of how close he sat to him. And Sasuke, by his inner conflict of his newly discovered feelings, trying to make sense of them.
It was a quiet night. The sky was crystal clean. The full moon shined down, shimmering in the water. Everything felt so calm.
Except for their feelings.
As time passed and both heartbeats had slowed down to an almost normal pace, Naruto decided to break the lingering silence.
“Sasuke, why did you come here? I mean really come here. I remember you told me that you wanted to sleep as soon as we get here.”
His voice was soft and quiet, almost as if he wasn’t sure if he should’ve asked. Or if he wanted to know the answer.
Naruto turned slowly, facing Sasuke whose eyes were looking up at the sky. He didn’t respond immediately but something in his eyes told Naruto that he was conflicted about how to answer. The slight twitching in his eyebrows giving it away.
He expected a sarcastic voice. An insulting, know-it-all response. Something Naruto would always receive from Sasuke whenever he tried to dive a bit more into his feelings. More than the superficial conversations they always kept on having.
However, Sasuke responded with something Naruto would’ve never guessed hearing out of his mouth. Voluntarily.
“I don’t know… I guess I was feeling lonely.”
Again. The silence.
Sasuke was staring right ahead, trying to avoid every possible eye contact.
Naruto was more than surprised to hear such an honest confession slip out of Sasuke’s mouth. Now it was too late to take it back. As soon as the words flew from his mouth, Naruto’s ears picked them up immediately and saved them deep down in the back of his brain. The words still echoing in his head, Naruto made sure to never forget them.
They were such simple but still so special words.
“That means you were seeking my company?” Naruto asked with a flicker of hope and excitement in his voice.
Sasuke Uchiha, seeking his company because he felt lonely?! This must’ve been a dream. Surely, because Sasuke never seemed like the person who enjoyed Naruto’s presence. He always told him he was too loud or spoke too much or he was so stupid Sasuke felt his own braincells die. And still, after all, Naruto didn’t mishear him. Even though Sasuke spoke very quietly. His words had been clear.
Sasuke, whose cheeks were blushing by now, let out a single grunt which wasn’t as convincing now that he had opened up to Naruto.
“You were the only one available.” Sasuke muttered quietly. And for sure this was a lie.
There were plenty others, Sasuke could have visited if he would have been interested. And still his feet lead him to Naruto. This loud, annoying childish and good-looking bloke he had spent his childhood with. How the hell did he end up here?!
But before Naruto could say anything to his comment, Sasuke spoke again.
“And despite that…” Sasuke began. Why did he talk so much? Why couldn’t he let his mouth shut and leave Naruto unaware of his true feelings? Why did he need to make it complicated?
But it was too late now. He started it and he will end it.
“…your company isn’t… horrific.” He brought out, still avoiding eye contact.
Naruto stared at him. That was a compliment, right? Sure, it didn’t sound like one but in Naruto’s eyes it was more than he had ever expected.
He grinned like a little child who just has been praised.
“Ah, was that supposed to be a compliment, Sasuke?” Naruto leaned forward, slightly tilting his head, raising one eyebrow. His shoulders almost brushed his. That annoying grin still plastered on his face.
Even though he tried to deny it, Naruto could do nothing against that warm feeling that began to pool in his stomach. Not because he was now even closer to Sasuke, but because that lousy compliment actually made him happy.
Sasuke grunted but couldn’t help himself but to smirk. Even if it was just a tiny one.
He was also aware of the closeness that Naruto had created, and it didn’t leave him cold. Especially since they were both naked.
“Don’t let it go to your head.”
He replied, closing his eyes and crossing his arms in front of his chest. No matter how poor he let the compliment sound, he knew Naruto would absorb it like a sponge.
“Nah, too late!” Naruto replied, “You can’t take it back and even though you could have told me with nicer words, I know exactly what you meant. You like my company!”
Naruto’s grin didn’t falter even when he moved very close now.
Sasuke peeked at him through one eye before giving him an uninterested “Tsk…” sound. He tried everything to hide his, once again, pulsing heartbeat. It made him furious about how much impact Naruto had on him suddenly.
Naruto, on the other hand, felt the same way. Sure, now he was teasing Sasuke but the intimidation and embarrassment from the beginning was still present. Even if it wasn’t as intense as before. There were other feelings he had to explore now. Like the curiosity stirred by Sasuke’s confession or his sudden show of affection. This unprecedented tension between them.
He needed to know and therefore he pushed away all the barriers, holding him back. Telling him to stop, because he would make it awkward. That he could destroy the bond between them if he continued digging into Sasuke’s feelings. His heart.
But he didn’t care.
So, he asked anyway.
“Y’know when you told me you feel lonely… What did you actually mean by that?”
Silence. Again.
Naruto moved so close that he now sat directly in front of him. Facing him. Trying to catch those dark eyes which were lingering everywhere but on Naruto.
Upon hearing Naruto, reopening their earlier topic, Sasuke’s whole body stiffened, and he almost looked as tense as Naruto did when he joined him in the pool. Now it was starting to get uncomfortable.
Finally, his eyes stood still, looking at Naruto’s face. They were scanning him. His cheeks, his forehead, his nose, his lips. They were looking surprisingly soft right now and Sasuke could scold himself for even thinking about something as ridiculous as the softness of Naruto’s lips.
Anywhere but his eyes. He felt like he wasn’t ready yet to face those waiting aquamarine blue eyes.
Another minute passed and at first Naruto wondered if he had even heard him. But considering Sasuke’s shaky breath and the way his fingers tipped unconsciously against his upper arm, he most definitely has heard him.
Then he asked himself if he had gone too far. If he already had dug too deep.
“I just wondered, y’know? Cause mostly you aren’t the person who says stuff like that and I just— “
“What a stupid question…,” Sasuke mumbled under his breath. His cheeks were now almost as red as the tomatoes he ate for breakfast every morning.
Naruto paused with an irritated expression but before he could say anything, Sasuke already continued.
“I am alone. That’s what I meant. You just… manage to make me feel less of it.”
The last part was so quiet, Naruto wouldn’t have heard it if he wasn’t right in front of Sasuke’s face.
His eyes widened. He never would have guessed that Sasuke still felt that way. Why did he never tell him? Because he was always so stoic and shut down every time Naruto tried to have an actual conversation with him.
Why now, of all times, was he finally opening up? Today it must be really bad…
“Then I’ll stay. Until you don’t feel it anymore.”
The words slipped out of him without even thinking about it. But he wasn’t embarrassed. He truly meant those words. He needed Sasuke to know that.
Sasuke’s heart felt like it stopped, like everything was frozen. Those words were enough to make his gaze shot up, finally looking into Naruto’s eyes. They were friendly with a tiny flicker of something that looked like compassion.
Now his heart was pounding again. Pounding really fucking fast. He felt his body pulsing and his ears were filled with the sound of his heart, pumping blood through his whole body.
What?!, he wanted to say. Why did he feel the need to stay!? He wanted to punch him and hug him at the same time for saying something that made his system stop and his guts turn. To make him feel the same way. How could he say something like that so casually?!
It must’ve been the hot water. Being in here too long messes with your brain. It makes your thoughts foggy. Cloudy. That must’ve been it. Cause why else would Naruto say something like that? To him? And why the hell has he started talking about his feelings in the first place? He must get out of the water. Now.
“It isn’t that easy, teme. It won’t go away just because we spend one night together, chatting… This emptiness… It’s always there.”
He said, breaking eye contact again. He tried his best to keep a steady voice. Strong, like he always was. Like the mask he always put on. So often that he didn’t know what his real self feels like anymore.
But his attempt failed miserably. His mind was racing searching for a way out. It was getting too much. Too real.
Naruto noticed the nervousness in Sasuke’s voice, his body, his behavior. Trembling like he was in panic. His eyes searching for a way out. Except Naruto didn’t let him. Too often he had let Sasuke slip out of risky conversations. Had lied to himself that there wasn’t much to talk about anyway. But not this time.
Instead, he leaned in, looking intensely into his eyes and said,
“Then let me in, Sasuke. I care about you, y’know. A lot, actually. I know that it doesn't always seem like it but I fucking do, if you like it or not. You are not alone. We aren’t kids anymore. Times changed. You don’t have to fucking fight your way through life alone all the time!”
Now it was Naruto whose voice was trembling. He never expected something like that to come out of his mouth, neither did Sasuke. But it hurt him. Deep down it actually hurt him to hear how Sasuke really felt and how he saw himself.
The silence was loud. Somewhere in the distance some birds were chirping, and you could still hear the smooth rippling of the water.
But despite that it was silent. Heavy silence, weighing them down. Silence that was left with so much to say. But the words bubbled up all at once, so there were too many to possibly use them all. They clogged their throats.
No one knew how to start. The amount of words and thoughts and feelings that should have been expressed a long time ago were now too overwhelming to put them into sentences and let them slip out of their mouth.
So, the silence remained. Like a heavy fog on their brains.
After moments and moments of staring into each other’s eyes trying to comprehend the new feelings that flushed through both bodies, a single waterdrop quietly fell down into the steam, barely audible.
Another one.
Sasuke’s vision blurred and Naruto’s hurtful expression faded more and more before his eyes.
He tried to resist. Blinking heavily with his eyes. Keeping his shaking lips pressed together. Trying everything to avoid that suffocating but still inevitable feeling inside him.
Until he broke.
And finally, everything he had kept bottled up for years was now exploding. The dam broken, with no hope of being repaired.
He felt more vulnerable than ever before in his life. Naruto having to see him like this. Trembling, shaking, breaking.
The silence was still present but everything going on inside Sasuke was making it unbearably loud for him.
And Naruto… He felt sick.
It was the first time that he saw Sasuke like this, and the sight was like a knife to his heart. With each second that he stood there and watched, the knife was twisting, causing a larger wound.
Until his instincts turned on and he leaned in.
Sasuke did see it coming but hadn’t had the time to move away. Maybe he didn’t want to. Couldn’t.
The first thing he felt were the blond’s strong arms, which were shivering by now, wrapping around his back.
Then the overwhelming warmth that exuded from his body, and his wet skin clinging to his own.
Then his heartbeat. Fast. Hurried. Almost, as if it was afraid of going out of blood and trying to pump everything that’s left through the body.
And then… his lips.
Soft, like he imagined them to be. Gentle and welcoming and everything that Sasuke didn’t deserve.
And still, this boy was offering it to him, and he took it desperately. Knowing that it was meant for someone else. For someone who was actually good for him. Someone who earned this intimacy with Naruto because he certainly did not. There was nothing he had done that was worthy enough to feel this pleasure inside him.
He didn’t deserve it.
Not. A. Tiny. Bit.
Those were the thoughts running through Sasuke’s mind as Naruto moved back. Just a little so he could look into Sasuke’s black eyes again. And the good feeling leaving with him.
After he realized what they just did, the voices began to scream.
You are not worthy enough! How dare you to just take this?! This isn’t meant for you!
Naruto’s head was just inches apart from Sasuke’s. His eyes were scanning his expression, trying to read every detail. Trying to get a response from him. Anything.
He could only look into that beautiful face which showed off so many emotions at once. Hurt, panic, desperation, longing.
Those emotions were flickering on his face, switching constantly and leaving Naruto confused and nervous. Did he go too far? Was it too much? Should he have just shut his mouth, so Sasuke wouldn’t feel like this now?
Sasuke looked at him with watery eyes, trembling more than before. He looked completely broken… raw and vulnerable… Naruto wanted to fix it. He wanted to help Sasuke so bad, but he didn’t exactly know how.
So, he stayed close. His arms were lingering on Sasuke’s hips, his eyes still searching for a sign of life. Fucking hell, just something!
And then…
“Naruto…”
Sasuke’s voice was a whisper. It was hoarse and Naruto was surprised that he even understood it.
“Why did you do that…?”
His expression looked hurt. He sounded disappointed.
And it felt like ten more knives were digging into Naruto’s flesh. Fast and deep. The pain remaining in his heart. His body turned cold in a second, despite the heat from the water. The sentence felt like he had ruined everything. He had ruined the bond between them that took them both so much strength and time to build up.
“I-“
“Why couldn’t you leave everything as it was before?”
Sasuke cut him off, sounding desperate. He felt like he couldn’t handle what Naruto was offering him. This affection. The comfort. The confrontation. He wasn’t ready. It should belong to somebody else and not him who made so many mistakes, that he couldn’t count them anymore. Naruto deserved someone better.
And so, he tried to escape the moment. Like always when his emotions got too intense. When it got too complicated. Everything that Naruto pulled up in so little time, was being pushed down by Sasuke again and he swore to himself to never repeat this mistake and open up again.
He stepped back, feeling Naruto’s touch slip away from his skin. He moved until the wall hit his back and lifted his body out of the water. Quickly, he grabbed his towel and poorly wrapped it around his body before he practically ran into the house again.
Ran away. Away from Naruto. Away from his feelings. The sound of his bare feet on the wood echoing through the walls.
“Sasuke!”
Naruto shouted after him. The sound snapped him out of his trance and only now did he realize what had just happened.
Sasuke ran away from him. Again.
And he left Naruto with a large wound. It was painful and regret flooded his whole body. Naruto’s heart ached and it was longing for answers. Why did he pull away? He was opening up just now. Was he being too hasty and ruined everything again?
His hands slowly turned to fists. He wanted nothing more than to actually be close to Sasuke. Emotionally and physically. The image of Sasuke’s shocked face was stuck in his head. His words repeated themselves like a broken record. He wanted to help him. He wanted to do this one thing right.
But the pain in his chest only increased by thinking about how hard it must be for Sasuke. He was so close to letting Naruto in. To let him see what he really feels. Still, he failed.
The night carried on and it was as quiet as when Naruto first had entered the hot springs. Everything continued. The birds were chirping, the water was rippling and, in the distance, you could hear the frogs trilling. But for Naruto the time stood still.
His body felt heavy, and he let the gravity pull him down. He sank until his head was underwater and the hot water was filling his ears and his nostrils. Everything was muffled, like wrapped in cotton. The outside world faded.
Only one question was repeating itself in Naruto’s head over and over again as he floated under the surface.
Did we ruin it, Sasuke…?