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The process of waking up from a three-year-long death was a disorienting one. At first, nothing seemed familiar. Not the tank he was in and the weightless solution that surrounded him, not the beeps from human machinery he didn’t recognize, not the sudden gasps from the strangers around him when they noticed him. At first, he felt weak, his body heavy, and every movement seemed to be decided by a force that belonged to someone other than himself. Then, said force pushed him to get up, to breathe oxygen he didn’t know he needed, and to open the eyes he had forgotten about.
And even though a mushroom should not be able to know what legs were for, he put one in front of the other and took his first steps.
The first familiar thing he encountered was Pauli’s name. This name he heard from the humans that had entered the room. They were wondering where he was, and were ordering each other to go find him right away. Therefore, An Zhe’s first thought was that he was in a dream, a dream where he could still live in the same world Pauli did.
Moved by this possibility, he dared to look around and take in his surroundings. As the distinct sweetness of chemicals entered his airways, it occurred to him that this room smelled and looked like the Highland Research Institute, the building where he’d been able to live a peaceful life before his death. Wasn’t that just a day ago? Or maybe one, one hundred, one thousand years ago? He couldn’t tell, but he knew this place. Even so, the memories of his past were distant and blurry, and he could recall feelings better than specific moments.
He tried to concentrate enough to build an idea of self that went beyond his identity as a mushroom, but a strange sadness of unknown origins suddenly overcame him, and he hunched over as the sensation turned physical and squeezed his heart with ruthless strength. Everything felt overwhelming.
It wasn’t until the third familiar thing showed up as an apparition in front of him that he became convinced that this indeed wasn’t the real world. It came in the form of a man, his appearance so recognizable, yet so different. He was certain someone was impersonating this person in this dream of his, otherwise he would have looked exactly like that man he’d loved a lifetime ago. Instead, he seemed skinnier, was he skinnier? His eyes were filled with open, raw and complicated emotions he’d never seen in the Colonel’s gaze before. All at once, he was able to remember every single time he’d been trapped under his cold stare, and his sorrow returned with renewed force.
Still, and even though a mushroom should know better than to fall for mirages and tricks of the light, he took another step forward and called this man’s name anyway.
“Lu Feng?”
He was enveloped in an inescapable, irresistible, immovable hug, held so close to this man’s body that he thought they’d merge into one any second.
“It’s me.”
He wished this dream would never end.
After a few minutes, Pauli asked everyone to go back to their usual duties and only he, Lu Feng and An Zhe were left in the room. An Zhe was sitting on a stretcher, while the Colonel stood beside him, holding his hand. So far, the only thing he truly understood was that he had died, and now he was back, and people could hardly believe their eyes. He had to admit that, as a mushroom, there was very little he understood about the world, but even someone like him knew of the inevitability of death. Plus, he also remembered walking into the cage, so none of what he was hearing really made any sense, how could this world be real?
He was thinking about this when Lu Feng’s hand squeezed his own and brought him back to this odd place where Pauli was going on and on about his frequency. So it had worked, it seemed. His sacrifice hadn’t been in vain. No matter how he thought about it, he couldn’t help but fear this was all too good to be true. The outcome he had wished for, the people he had wished to save, it was all here, being presented to him as a gift of fate. He didn’t know what to say or ask, so he nodded along and accepted everything as it came. He was a mushroom and he knew that there were things, things about this universe they inhabited, that he would never quite grasp the way humans tried so hard to.
After a while, Lu Feng interrupted Pauli.
“I think you’re overwhelming him. It’s enough for now.” His tone didn’t leave room for negotiation, and so Pauli grinned at the Colonel’s overprotectiveness.
“Alright, then. I’m sure you two have a lot of catching up to do. I’ll leave you be. Make sure to rest a lot, kid. Your body is still new and you’ll need time to get used to it again.”
“Thank you, Pauli. I’m very happy I get to see you again,” An Zhe said, voice small but honest.
“I don’t think anyone can be as happy as I am right now, An Zhe,” he replied earnestly. “Maybe him,” he added, pointing in Lu Feng’s direction with a knowing look. They stared at each other for a bit longer and An Zhe noticed his eyes watering. He blinked rapidly and looked down, quickly exiting the room on his wheelchair without saying another word.
Human emotions were surely devastating, An Zhe thought. According to Pauli, he’d been gone for three years, but An Zhe couldn’t even imagine how much time that was, or what it really meant. As a mushroom, time had always been irrelevant, and as a human, his life had only lasted a few months. What did three years feel like? What did three years without seeing someone you cared about feel like? He didn’t know.
Next to him, Lu Feng kept holding his hand, and he wondered about this thing.
“My hand…,” he said lamely, not knowing how else to formulate his question.
“Do you want it back?,” Lu Feng asked, a hint of mirth in his voice.
“Why do you keep holding it?”
“Because I should’ve done it more before,” he stated, as if he’d been asked something obvious.
An Zhe wasn’t sure he understood, but he nodded anyway and let the Colonel have his hand.
“How are you feeling?,” he asked after a moment, gazing into An Zhe’s eyes. The complicated emotions from earlier had subsided a little bit, but he could still spot in his gaze an ocean of things he couldn’t name. Lu Feng had only ever looked at him with this much intensity when they were hiding after learning about the fate of the world. However, this time, his expression didn’t seem hopeless.
“Does it matter?,” An Zhe replied in a small voice.
“It’s the only thing that does.”
“But this isn’t real, is it?” He looked around. “It’s that human thing. A dream,” he tried to explain. Lu Feng furrowed his brow. An Zhe had said the wrong thing. However, he remembered having dreams before, dreams where he’d gone back to being a mushroom in an inconspicuous corner of the abyss under the rain. He’d woken up scared, wondering if he could shapeshift while asleep or travel in time. An Ze’s memories had assisted him back then, letting him know they were nothing to be afraid of. Even so, he wasn’t very familiar with them, and he had never dreamed he was a human before. He assumed dreams as a human were bound to be more vivid and complex, the way this one felt now.
The Colonel turned to stand in front of him and placed both of his hands to the sides of his face, holding his cheeks gently, his expression open and his eyes softened by years of accumulated longing and tenderness.
“This is real,” he whispered, and his voice cracked the tiniest bit. “You are real.” He brushed his hair, his touch light. He sounded like he was talking to himself more than to An Zhe.
“But are you?” He didn’t realize it until he said it out loud, but this was the most important thing to An Zhe now. This answer meant everything. Lu Feng laughed humorlessly and shook his head in slight disbelief.
“I am.” He paused, considering something with a serious expression. Then, he added slowly, “I am Lu Feng, ex arbiter of the Trial Court. We met at the gates of the Outer City and I suspected you weren’t human, but had no proof, so I had to let you go. You are An Zhe, and you are a mushroom, and this is all real.” He looked at him intently, “do you remember?”
An Zhe nodded, but remained quiet, sitting on the Colonel’s words. It was the first time Lu Feng had explicitly stated his status as heterogeneous.
“Will you detain me now?,” he asked, not knowing what else to say.
“None of that matters now. It’s all over,” he answered without missing a beat.
“Then…, don’t you hate me?” He had to. He had been instructed to kill him many times. He never did, though. He let him go, he remembered. Little by little, the scenes from his fleeting past life started to rebuild in his dormant memory.
Lu Feng frowned. “I never did. I don’t. I’m sorry I could never express it right,” he paused for a moment and swallowed. “I’m sorry I was a mess.”
An Zhe would have never put the words mess and the Colonel in the same sentence, so he looked up at him, confused, both for the inaccuracy and for the unusual candidness. The person he remembered wasn’t a man of many regrets, but he seemed to want to atone for something now. An Zhe didn’t understand what it was.
“You don’t believe me?,” Lu Feng asked. He was so close now that An Zhe could count his eyelashes if he wanted. He wanted to say he did, he believed him, but he didn’t know if his proofs were enough. “How can I show you?,” he added, softly brushing his nose against his.
An Zhe thought about it for a moment.
“Back then, I wondered about your feelings for me.”
“You did?”
“You left your gun with me.”
“I did.”
“Pauli told me your vows forbid you from doing such a thing.”
“They did.”
“So that was the only proof I had.”
“Of what?”
“Your love,” he said plainly, as if for lack of a better word.
Lu Feng’s gaze turned infinitely softer, and he tenderly traced An Zhe’s cheek.
“There was another thing,” he added before the other man could reply. He was remembering his conversation with Pauli.
“What was it?” The Colonel seemed very curious now.
“You kissed me.”
Lu Feng smiled with unusual shyness. “I did,” he admitted. He hesitated for only a moment before leaning in to brush his lips against his. “I wish I’d done it more.”
He gazed deep into his eyes and An Zhe felt his chest tightening, unexplainably. What kind of trick was this man playing on him? His fresh new heart was also beating out of its regular rhythm, and he worried this wasn’t healthy at all.
“Can I prove it to you again?,” he asked, voice barely audible, a secret told in an empty room. Despite the growing fear in his chest, An Zhe nodded.
Lu Feng closed the remaining distance.
He was kissed sweetly, slowly. In every way, this kiss was different from their first one. Lu Feng didn’t seem to be in a hurry, there was nothing urgent about the way his lips were languidly, but intently, moving against his, taking everything in with detail. This allowed An Zhe to keep up at his own pace, soon growing more confident despite the wild beating of his heart.
Lu Feng paused only to breathe, then gave him a small peck before kissing him deeply again. An Zhe instinctively placed his right hand on his neck to get a better hold of him, and Lu Feng helped him by grabbing his waist with his other hand, pulling him closer. An Zhe had no choice but to open his legs to welcome him more comfortably, and he settled in easily.
Only after Lu Feng seemed to have committed the feeling of his lips to memory did he move onto other areas he was curious about. He started planting kisses along his cheek, forehead and hair. An Zhe closed his eyes and let him.
“I’ve decided I don’t care if it’s a dream,” he said, as two more soft petal kisses were placed in the corner of his eyes.
“Mm?,” he hummed in response.
“I still got to see you again.”
Lu Feng stopped and An Zhe opened his eyes to find him regarding him with a serious look.
“You’ll keep seeing me. I’m not leaving.”
Up until now he wasn’t sure if he could trust anything in this new, strange and peaceful world. However, hearing Lu Feng now, he realised this man had never lied to him, had never truly hurt him when it was his obligation to do so, had never betrayed him. He had stayed a constant in his life until the very moment he was the one who decided to leave him. These words, he decided, he was going to believe.
“Then I trust you,” he declared, a small smile on his lips.
“Good,” he smiled back, and then ruffled his hair. The Colonel stepped back and offered his hand. “Let’s go. You should rest.”
“But I’m not tired,” he argued, but got off the stretcher anyway. As soon as he did, he got dizzy and had to close his eyes to regain his balance. Lu Feng noticed right away and put a hand on his shoulder.
“What’s wrong?,” he asked with urgency.
“Nothing, just… a bit dizzy.” As expected, this man was still bad and he had to watch out around him. What he did to his heart was dangerous, but before he could voice his grievances out loud, he was already in the Colonel’s arms.
“Let’s just get you to bed.”
An Zhe, who had gotten used to this manner of travelling a long time ago, buried his face in Lu Feng’s neck and let himself be carried.