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Sangwoo almost vomited when he found out he was going to be a father. He’d never meant for it to happen, when he planned his future, he’d never factored in for kids. He knew it was something that he might have to live up to one day, or let his mother down and tell her that it was never going to happen. He hadn’t reached that point yet, he was only twenty when he found out, it wasn’t something that he’d expected.
After his friend Jungbae’s wedding, Sangwoo decided it was time for him to move on and get with someone. He’d been struggling in that area for months. His roommate, Myeongseok, always told him that everyone found him attractive, that people would jump at the chance to get with him. He felt like he was moving too slowly through life, that something needed to happen.
So, he went out to a bar and had too much to drink. There was a girl from one of his classes there, she was called Minyoung, and she attached to him and refused to leave his side the entire night. Sangwoo didn’t remember much of the night, but he remembered waking up in her bed the next day with no clothes on.
Parts of the night came back to him, Minyoung kissing him in the bar, dragging him back to her place as she giggled, the two of them drunkenly undressing each other. Sangwoo thought nothing more of it after that, and clearly Minyoung didn’t either. She wasn’t even there when he woke up in the morning, and she’d left a note asking him to get out as soon as he could.
He didn’t tell anyone what he did, not Myeongseok, not even Gihun. Of course, Myeongseok still had a stupid comment to make about Sangwoo not coming home that evening, but he just brushed it off and told him to shut up.
Sangwoo didn’t think of the night again after that. He’d gotten it out of his system, he’d hooked up with a girl, he’d lost his virginity, and that was that. He didn’t need to keep thinking about it, that part of his life was done. At least, it wasn’t an issue until Minyoung approached him again just over two months later.
She’d cornered Sangwoo after one of their classes, waiting until the hallways were clear to finally start speaking to him. She explained how she’d missed a period, she was feeling sick, and then she told Sangwoo that she was pregnant and that she didn’t want to look after the baby, it was up to him. He wasn’t proud of his reaction, insisting that he couldn’t be the father, that it wasn’t the case, that he wouldn’t be so irresponsible to not use protection.
Minyoung told him that wasn’t the case, they didn’t use protection, and she hadn’t slept with anyone else. Sangwoo could believe that, not that she wasn’t a nice person, but she didn’t tend to go after people. He’d noticed her before she noticed him the night he went out drinking, and she wasn’t throwing herself around at all.
The walk back to his dorm that night was humiliating. Knowing he’d have to face Myeongseok, explain himself, then eventually have to tell Gihun what was going on, it was driving him insane. He didn’t even get the chance to wallow in his own pity, because as soon as he opened the door, Myeongseok was onto him.
“What’s wrong with you?” He asked from his bed, raising his eyebrows at him. “You look like shit.”
“Thanks,” Sangwoo mumbled, kicking his shoes off at the door and hanging his jacket over the back of his chair. He walked over to his bed, throwing himself face down. He felt so weighed down, the crushing weight of his entire future being thrown off course was suffocating him. “I’m fine.”
“Sure,” he heard Myeongseok scoff before his textbook snapped shut. “What happened? I might just be able to help.”
“You have no idea how strongly I doubt that,” Sangwoo groaned, turning over onto his back to stare up at the ceiling.
He hadn’t fit time for kids anywhere in his future plan. He was so focused on his career, getting through university without a hitch, finally moving out, and continuing to progress his career. He hadn’t made time for kids or a wife, it wasn’t something he thought would ever happen to him. The thought of having a wife made his skin crawl, and the idea of taking care of a child made his hands shake.
“So, something did happen?” Myeongseok asked.
“It doesn’t matter. Just… leave it.”
“Do you even know how much Gihun would kill me if he found out you were upset and I didn’t try to help?”
“You don’t even care, you just don’t wanna piss Gihun off,” Sangwoo teased, and Myeongseok laughed. He knew that wasn’t true, he just loved to get on Myeongseok’s nerves.
“Shit, you got me. He scares me, I really don’t think he likes me,” Myeongseok rambled before clapping his hands together once. “What happened? Just tell me.”
“Fine,” Sangwoo mumbled, forcing himself to sit up, leaning against the wall and staring down at his hands. He couldn’t bring himself to look at Myeongseok, he didn’t know what his views on anything like this were, he didn’t know what he’d think of him. “Remember that morning I came back hungover?”
“Yeah, your hook up,” Myeongseok said lightly.
“Yeah, that.”
“That was an actual hook up? I was just joking, who w-”
“Myeongseok,” Sangwoo interjected. As much as he was willing to hear Myeongseok’s musings, it wasn’t the time. “Just…”
“Right, sorry. Just talk, I’ll shut up.”
Sangwoo felt sick all over again, his hands getting clammy, vision blurring. He was suddenly lightheaded. It was different if people knew, it was infinitely more real if someone else knew. He couldn’t pretend that he didn’t know anymore, and it was going to drive him insane.
“She’s pregnant,” Sangwoo whispered, voice barely audible.
“She?” Myeongseok asked, eyes going wide. Sangwoo wanted to roll his eyes, but he didn’t have the energy. He knew Myeongseok thought he was gay, he’d asked him about it before, they’d experimented with each other, but Sangwoo really didn’t think that was what he should be focusing on. “Sorry, you meant… the baby thing.”
“Yeah. The baby thing,” Sangwoo complained, flopping down against his bed again and hiding his face in his pillow. “I’m so fucked.
“No, you’re not. It’ll be okay,” Myeongseok reassured. “Plenty of fathers don’t speak to their kids.”
“Yeah, I can’t do that,” he sighed. He felt the bed dip beside him, Myeongseok moving to sit beside him, a gentle hand on his shoulder. “She doesn’t want to look after the kid. She wants me to.”
“Shit, man. What are you gonna do?”
“What can I do, Myeongseok? Realistically,” Sangwoo asked, turning onto his back. “I don’t know what I’m going to do. What choice have I got?”
“You can put the kid up for adoption,” Myeongseok suggested. “Or they could live with your mother. Gihun says she’s a very lovely lady.”
“I’m not doing that to her,” Sangwoo laughed dryly. As much as he was sure that his mother would look after them, she was getting older and she had her business to worry about, he couldn’t put that extra pressure on her.
And he didn’t want to give the kid up, not really. Their mother already didn’t want to look after them, he couldn’t run away as well. He remembered his own father leaving, and the thought of doing anything like that to his own kid terrified him.
“I’m so fucked,” Sangwoo chuckled, tears brimming in his eyes. He tried not to let himself get emotional in front of Myeongseok, it took a while for them to even become friends because the two of them were so standoffish, they’d never shown this much emotion to each other.
“You’re not, it’s alright. You’ve got me and Gihun. And I’m sure Jungbae would help,” Myeongseok said gently.
Sangwoo couldn’t even stomach the thought of telling Gihun, he’d be so disappointed in him. Gihun loved to brag about him, talking about how Sangwoo was the pride of their town, that he’d gotten into SNU. He couldn’t let him down, this wasn’t something for him to brag about.
“I can’t do it.”
“You can,” Myeongseok reassured, smiling weakly down at him. “I can’t imagine that the other people in this building will be happy with having a baby in here, but the university can help with that. I imagine they’d have to.”
“I can’t even think about it,” Sangwoo sniffled, covering his face with his hands. “I’m sorry.”
“Come on, man, don’t apologise,” Myeongseok said, carefully pulling Sangwoo up and wrapping an arm around his shoulder. “It’s a bad situation, but it’ll work out. Trust me on this, please.”
“I don’t know if I can,” Sangwoo sighed as he rested his forehead on his shoulder. Sangwoo regularly couldn’t stand physical affection, but he needed to just be close with someone he could trust, and Gihun wasn’t there.
“Well then, I’ll help you out,” Myeongseok said firmly. “Are you gonna tell Gihun?”
“Yeah, I don’t have a choice.” He didn’t want to tell him, if he could keep this from him, he would. He couldn’t let Gihun down, he couldn’t disappoint him. It was different for Myeongseok, they hadn’t known each other long, they always made fun of each other, he didn’t take him too seriously. Not that Gihun did, but he was still more likely to let him down.
“It’ll get sorted. I know it will.”
“I know,” Sangwoo sighed as he looked up, glancing around the room. “Fuck, I need to study. Which I’m not going to have the time for soon.”
“You’re not studying tonight,” Myeongseok said firmly, letting go of Sangwoo to stand up and rummage around in his clothes to find him something more comfortable to wear.
“You’re telling me not to study? You always have your nose in a fucking textbook,” Sangwoo mumbled as he took the clothes from Myeongseok, starting to get changed.
“I think this is an exception,” he shrugged, turning his back as Sangwoo got changed. “Pick a film, we’ll watch something instead. You don’t need to be stressing yourself out, man.” Myeongseok had one of those portable DVD players and a whole box of films to watch, and he always let Sangwoo borrow it if he wanted to.
“You don’t have to be nice to me,” Sangwoo mumbled, taking the DVD player from Myeongseok once he was dressed. “We don’t have to be friends.”
“You’ve stuck your tongue in my mouth, and you’re scared to call me a friend?” Myeongseok asked, raising his eyebrows.
“God, don’t remind me,” he complained as Myeongseok pulled out his box full of DVDs, stepping aside to let Sangwoo rummage through them. “You’re never getting a partner if you keep kissing like that, by the way.”
“Hey, you said I was fine!”
“You were biting me,” Sangwoo said casually, rummaging through the box. Kissing Myeongseok really hadn’t done anything for him any of the times they’d done it, and Myeongseok always said the same.
“I don’t think that’s true,” Myeongseok murmured as Sangwoo grabbed a random action movie so that Myeongseok would stop rambling.
If they watched something together normally, they’d sit on the floor between their beds, the DVD player on Myeongseok’s bed, and then they’d get up and go to sleep when the film was over. This time, Sangwoo was not in the mood to sit on an uncomfortable floor for two hours, so asked Myeongseok if he’d be alright watching the film in his bed.
Myeongseok didn’t seem to care, crawling into bed with Sangwoo like it was a totally normal request from him. Sangwoo just needed someone to be there for him, someone who he was certain they wouldn’t be disappointed with him.
He let himself be vulnerable, resting his head on Myeongseok’s shoulder, linking their arms together. It was fine, Sangwoo convinced himself. He’d seen Jungbae and Gihun act with affection towards each other, and it was what Sangwoo needed.
–
Gihun was surprised when Sangwoo told him he was going to be a father. He’d looked terrified to tell him, shifting his weight uncomfortably between his feet as he rambled his way through the explanation. Gihun didn’t mind, he worked with plenty of guys his age who already had young children, so it wasn’t something that he was going to judge Sangwoo for.
There was only one issue Gihun had with the entire situation: Myeongseok. Sangwoo asked Myeongseok for help, and not him. Myeongseok helped him get things organised with the school, helped him speak to them about getting an apartment since Sangwoo had people come up to him and ask him to leave the dorm building once they found out. He helped Sangwoo move in more than he did, he helped him get stuff for the baby - which ended up being twins.
Sangwoo had panicked about that as well, and he went to Myeongseok first, not him. Then, the twins were born. Gihun helped where he could, looking after his sons, Myunggi and Gyeongsu, when he wasn’t working and Sangwoo was in class. But still, Myeongseok was the first choice.
When he called Sangwoo, Myeongseok was always there. Whether he was there to help him study or to help him with the twins, he was always there. Gihun really had tried to get along with Myeongseok, but something about being around him made his skin crawl, he hated it. He’d asked Myeongseok out drinking with him once, to try and see what made him so great, and it didn’t help him whatsoever.
Gihun told him how important Sangwoo was, that they’d been friends practically their whole lives, what Sangwoo needed in a friend, the things he liked to do. Myeongseok already knew all of it. He’d been friends with him for just over a year, and he already knew everything it had taken Gihun over a decade to learn.
It had started to bother Gihun after Sangwoo drunkenly admitted he loved him after Jungbae’s wedding. Sangwoo never brought it up again, so neither did he. Or, Sangwoo never brought it up sober. Whenever they drank together, Sangwoo told Gihun he was in love with him.
The twins were with Sangwoo’s mother, she’d offered to look after them for a weekend so that Sangwoo could have some time to do whatever he wanted. Gihun refused to let him hide away in his room studying, so he showed up at Sangwoo’s place with a bag full of soju bottles.
Sangwoo was still a lightweight, it didn’t take more than a bottle of the stuff to get him drunk. He whined with every sip about how it burned his throat, but he refused to put it down. Gihun could stomach alcohol much better than him, but he wished that just for once, he could get completely plastered.
“Are you staying the night?” Sangwoo asked, words messy and slurred together.
“I don’t know,” Gihun answered, shrugging his shoulders. “I promised your mother I’d help with your boys while she’s working.”
“Ugh,” Sangwoo complained, throwing his head back on the sofa and closing his eyes. “She didn’t have to watch them. I don’t mind watching them, they’re my sons.”
“No, Sangwoo, you need time for yourself sometimes, and you know we don’t mind helping.”
“You both have to work, though,” Sangwoo argued, pressing the heels of his hands into his eyes. “I don’t, Myeongseok doesn’t.”
“Fucking Myeongseok,” Gihun mumbled under his breath. He was tired of hearing his name, seeing him everywhere. There were even photographs of him dotted about. Really, they were photos of the twins, but Myeongseok was there as well. That should’ve been him, helping Sangwoo out when he needed it, still being his closest friend, practically living with him.
“Hm. He’s coming over tomorrow anyway.”
“Yeah, I won’t stay then,” Gihun sighed.”
“Hyung, why are you so fucking weird around Myeongseok?” Sangwoo asked, still staring up at the ceiling. Gihun felt his heart drop, because he didn’t know. Myeongseok wasn’t a bad guy, he was helping Sangwoo out, he’d done so much for him, he had no reason behind it logically. He just couldn’t stand him.
“I’m not.”
“You hate him. Gihun, I love you, b-”
“Why can’t you ever say that to me sober?” Gihun asked. He wasn’t drunk, but drinking certainly removed his filter, things he normally wouldn’t say came out. “Why won’t you tell me you love me? You think I don’t fucking know that?”
“I do tell you sober,” Sangwoo argued, sitting up. “In my own way.”
“No, when you drink you tell me you love me, you want to marry me, all that shit, but you can’t tell me sober. And I just have to pretend I don’t know, you’re not even going to remember this conversation tomorrow.”
“I do tell you!” Sangwoo repeated, tears welling in his eyes. Gihun hated upsetting Sangwoo, he’d done it a few times when they were younger accidentally, and he swore he’d never do it again. His bottom lip still pouted out when he was upset, and he still harshly blinked his tears away. “You don’t listen to me.”
“You’ve never once told me you want to marry me when you’re sober.”
“What do you want from me? Do you want me to tell you sober?”
“Yes!” Gihun exclaimed, running his hands through his hair. “You hardly even fucking talk to me anymore because of Myeongseok!”
“He’s a five-minute walk away! It would take you two hours to walk here! And I don’t love him like that, you know that,” Sangwoo ranted. He was borderline incoherent, but Gihun could still understand him. Myeongseok wouldn’t be able to, he didn’t know Sangwoo well enough for that.
“It’s hard to believe that, you act like you love me ,but when was the last time you picked me over him?”
“I don’t make this fuss over Jungbae, and just so you know, Myeongseok was supposed to come over tonight. But I asked you to instead because I’ve not fucking seen you in weeks, and I miss you.”
“Sangwoo, you don’t get why I’m upset, you won’t tell me you love me if you’re not drinking,” Gihun said firmly. He’d made the mistake of letting it go too many times, and he was starting to get frustrated. He could live with Sangwoo loving him, even if he couldn’t return it, but his refusal to admit it sober was starting to get to him.
“What do you want? You don’t love me. And I’m not gay. I just love you. You’ll just reject me.”
“If you’re not gay, why do you love me?”
“I don’t fucking know, Gihun, but it scares me,” Sangwoo complained. “You don’t speak to me as much anymore, but I still love you, and I have no idea why because I don’t even think I’m gay.”
“Loving me sounds pretty fucking gay,” Gihun said, perhaps a little harsher than he’d intended to. He really didn’t care if Sangwoo was gay, he just needed him to admit it, for them to finally be able to move past everything.
“I’m not gay, I’ve kissed Myeongseok, a-”
“You’ve kissed him?” Gihun asked. “Sober?”
“Hyung, I wanted to know if I was gay, we weren’t friends at the time,” Sangwoo defended, throwing his hands up. “And he’s a terrible kisser. Why does it matter?”
“Because you can kiss him sober, but you won’t tell me you love me!”
“Because you don’t love me!” Sangwoo argued, quickly wiping his eyes off on the sleeve of his sweater. Gihun wanted to reach out to him, to tell him that he didn’t mind, it didn’t matter, but he’d been keeping it in for months, he had to tell him. “I don’t get it, hyung. I don’t understand.”
“Don’t understand what?” Gihun asked, trying his hardest to soften his voice. The more he thought about Myeongseok, the more it drove him insane, but Sangwoo needed him.
“I don’t know,” he sighed, falling forward and resting his head on Gihun’s shoulder, grabbing his hands. “I’m not gay. I’m not. Why are you doing this to me?”
“I’m sorry,” Gihun whispered, letting go of his hands to move his drink to the coffee table before wrapping his arms around Sangwoo. His jealousy wasn’t his fault - it was Myeongseok’s. Did he even have the room to be jealous if he didn’t love him back? Was it even his place? The thought of Sangwoo kissing another man drove him insane, and he couldn’t work out why. “I’m really sorry.”
“Not your fault,” Sangwoo mumbled, wrapping his arms around Gihun’s waist. “You just confuse me.”
“You confuse me,” Gihun chuckled, making Sangwoo laugh weakly. “I just don’t like Myeongseok.”
“He knows, but he doesn’t really give a fuck. He just thinks you’re an idiot.”
“Well, I am an idiot compared to him.”
“Shut the fuck up, Gihun,” Sangwoo scolded. Sangwoo seemed to have already forgotten their argument, Gihun’s jealousy, and his own feelings. It was like nothing ever happened, and it drove him mad. “Please stay. Please.”
“I’ll have to leave early,” he whispered, resting his head against Sangwoo’s.
“I don’t care. I’m not mad at you, I just wish you’d tell me sober that you love me. Even if I can’t do anything.”
“I can’t,” Sangwoo mumbled. “I just can’t.”
“Fine, but I won’t ask you to again.”
“I won’t tell you again. I’m sorry.”
It was never going to be the last time, they both knew that. It would only happen again the next time they drank together, and the next, and the next. All Gihun could do was stop drinking with him, but that was the only time they saw each other now.
They were both busy, Sangwoo had kids and university, and Gihun was working most of the time. Neither of them had time other than this, and they always drank together.
Sangwoo had to heal, and if space was going to do that, that was a sacrifice Gihun was willing to make, as much as he didn’t want to. If it were up to him, he’d have the universe figure Sangwoo out, to make him suddenly realise some deep down feelings for him so they could live together. But that wasn’t how it worked. As much as it killed him to admit it, the space was needed.