Work Text:
Nozomi was not supposed to be the one living this life right now.
She knew that, and here she was, having convinced her friends and Nigou to come to the real Last Defense Academy.
Things had to play out correctly this time. Takumi had entrusted her with his— and by extension, everyone else's— cryptoglobin. Of course, he didn't know that she was going to time travel like he did, but…
Takumi would be happy with this, wouldn't he? Even if she was never a good test subject, even if she was never a good daughter, even if she was nothing but a hindrance on the battlefield— she could at least do this much. She could carry on Takumi's wish— and her own wish, as well— to protect her friends.
So when the bus pulled up to Last Defense Academy and she saw Takumi again for the second-first time, something stirred in her.
Tears threatened to prick at her eyes upon seeing him again. Upon seeing everyone else gathered in the same spot again. But she kept a smile, and her hands gently overlayed in her lap.
Until Takumi rushed up to her and grabbed her hands in his, recognition glinting in his eyes.
“Karua! You're alright!”
Nozomi's heart stopped.
“What are you doing here? They haven't been making you fight too, have they?!”
He looked so concerned. And so, so, so happy, in a strange way. As if she was his guiding light, a sense of comfort in this horrible situation they'd been put in. As if he was on the verge of breaking into a million pieces if he didn't know that she was okay.
Nozomi knew those affections, that warm gaze, the lilt in his voice— none of those were for her right now. Her fingers felt frostbitten as the coldness spread, expanding into ice and making her numb from pain. The heat of his palms felt scalding hot, and tears threatened to pool from her eyes again. No, she couldn't cry now, she couldn't, even if the realization had sunk into her like an anchor thrown to the seas.
This was not a Takumi who had been through this timeline before, she knew, instantly. The Takumi she knew never reacted to her like this. This was the ‘first’ Takumi, without any time travel memories. This was not the Takumi that she knew, and more importantly—
She was not the Karua that he loved.
Takumi Sumino did not love her right now. He loved the illusion in front of him. The lie. The lie built from her loneliness, her isolation, her pain. Her silly desires, like wanting a boyfriend, wanting someone to protect her— those lies had shaped Takumi too. She felt guilty for how much they shaped him. She felt guilty for how much he didn't know, and how much of his suffering was going to be her fault. The pain may have been eating her up inside, but she could only imagine what it would do to this Takumi.
She wanted to lie.
Out of a moment of desperation and yearning, she wanted to say that she was Karua Kashimiya. She wanted to indulge in this moment, to let Takumi love her as someone she was not, and to pretend like things had picked up where they left off. She just wanted to be happy with him, now. She just wanted to be happy that all of her friends were back, alive. She just wanted to be happy, protecting them— protecting them like they protected her. She missed them. She missed him.
But Nozomi couldn't lie. She couldn't hurt Takumi like that. It was beyond selfish, and it was beyond cruel. She'd be no better than the humans who created the Special Defense Unit just to dispose of them as tools. She had to respect him. He had to love her on his own terms.
And if he never did love her back… that was okay. She was prepared for that, even though her throat tightened at the thought. Anything was possible now that she was in the past. She had to accept that.
Maybe this Takumi would never look her way, she repeated to herself. Maybe he'd never love her.
But it was still her turn to protect him, even if he didn't know. It would be fine. She could do this. She had to do this.
“I… uhm…” She stood there, dazed. She didn't know what to say.
What was she supposed to tell Takumi?
How was she supposed to explain this in a way that made sense? That she was Karua, technically, but she also wasn't? What about the others? Was she supposed to tell them all she was from the future, like Takumi did last time?
Her head spun, racing thoughts speeding through her mind. What should she do? What is it that she'd have to do?
“Karua? Are you okay?”
“Obviously not, you perv! Get your hands off her!” Kurara jutted in, breaking their silence.
“H— huh?” He blinked, clearly dumbfounded by the situation.
Nozomi gulped. Well, she didn't have much of a choice now, did she?
She gently pulled her hands away from Takumi's, feeling ashamed about how the color suddenly drained from his face as she took a shaky breath.
“My name is Nozomi Kirifuji. I'm not Karua, but…”
Her gaze lingered on his face for a moment as she found herself at a loss of words again.
The expression he bore was nothing short of pathetic. He was baffled, as if his whole world had been turned upside down, but his eyes still looked full of longing for the her that wasn't her.
Nozomi realized that she was looking into a mirror.
Suddenly, the defensive alarm rang out, cutting off the conversation and buying her some time.
Maybe she could figure out something to say as they all rushed to the War Room.
.
.
She still didn't have any answers by the time she shoved her infuser into her chest. She didn't have any when she was firing her gunblades, either.
—
She rang the doorbell, waiting at his doorstep in silence.
She wanted to get this off her chest as soon as possible. The quicker she did that, the less they'd suffer, and the more she could protect everyone.
He lazily opened the door (had he been sleeping, again?) and immediately tensed up upon seeing Nozomi again.
“Sorry to bother you, but… do you have a minute? I need to talk to you about something.”
“Uhm, yeah, totally,” He awkwardly replied, “come on in.”
It was almost cute seeing him so bashful, if it wasn't for the fact that it wasn't really because of her.
“About earlier— about Karua; do you mind hearing me out? It's a bit of a long story, and I don't expect you to believe any of it, but…”
He nodded.
She couldn't imagine the feelings he was going through right now. All in one day, he had seen someone exactly like Karua, who he believed he knew his whole life, and now she was going to tell him the truth. That it was a lie. That only part of those memories were true, and he didn't hold the technically true parts.
He had so many questions for her.
She showed him her scar. Recounted her life. Explained some of his memories from her perspective. She even told him about the future, about her coming back and him dying.
He was absolutely distraught, wrecked with an overwhelming despair. He had nothing to say in the end except that he needed to spend some time thinking about it alone.
She understood. This kind of truth was beyond difficult to accept. She remembered when Takumi cried to her last time, she remembered how his face contorted in pain as he described her last moments the time before.
Nozomi wasn't much different, she realized. Even if she held back her tears while explaining what had happened, she knew they were less than one moment away from spilling out, leaving her a mess in front of Takumi.
She had to be strong for him right now. He had suffered for her, and now it was her turn.
As she left his room, she caught a glimpse of tears running down his face as he silently sobbed.
-
Nozomi wept on her bed, another realization sinking in as her head burned up from her rejection symptoms.
She had been callous. She had been selfish. She had trampled all over his feelings.
She had forgotten Takumi could be frail.