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Oh it hurt.
It hurt so damn much. To watch the person you love most be happy with someone else. But it was for the best. That’s what he kept trying to convince himself of as he saw the couple together.
It was fine, he’d stay, and he’d go through it all until Arthur no longer needed him. As soon as Arthur’s destiny was fully realized he’d go, go somewhere far away where he wouldn’t have to see that smile, that smile that rivaled the sun directed at someone else. Someone he could actually be happy with. Someone that wouldn’t make him ashamed. Someone that could give him beautiful tanned skin children. Someone who could proudly sit in the throne besides his with a beautiful crown on her head.
The reasons that Merlin believed those two to be a good match together had ran through his head since the beginning of the awkward courtship. Since Arthur realized he had affections for Guinevere. Merlin had helped them both since the beginning. Helping his two best friends get together. Delivering sappy love letters to Gwen and encouraging Arthur’s feelings. Smiling whenever one of them looked at him, a frown returning to his face whenever he was alone.
He was becoming more and more secluded. No one noticed. He made sure no one noticed, not the knights, not Arthur, and not sweet Gwen who’d probably worry over her friend and try to help, and who’d be mortified when she found out the reason he was so upset.
The wedding was painful. It was beautiful. And the feast afterwards was the grandest Merlin had ever seen in Camelot before. But those didn’t hurt nearly as much as seeing Guinevere in Arthur’s bed so beautiful in her sleep and looking like she belonged amongst those rich sheets. Her entire body in sharp contrast to the white linens beneath her, making her look like a lady in a portrait painted by an esteemed Artist.
It continued to hurt when even less and less of Arthur’s attention was focused on Merlin. His eyes only focused on Gwen. Arthur spent less time at training and meetings and more of it with Gwen who was happy to get all of the King’s attention.
The knights grumbled about Arthur being a lovesick puppy and abandoning them for a woman. Whenever Gwaine joked about it and tried to get an agreement from Merlin he remained silent and only gave a small smile. He spent less time with other people and more in his room wallowing in self-pity. He even avoided Gaius who was damn near impossible to get rid of once he was concerned.
Merlin started getting anxiety attacks shortly after spending all his time in his room. It was terrible.The first one had happened while he remembered how Arthur held Gwen close to his body and smiled at her. Merlin’s chest got tight and it felt like someone was squeezing him from inside. He felt as if he was suffocating. No matter how deep the breaths he took in were, he couldn't breathe and the corner of his vision darkened. Eventually it stopped but Merlin had ended up on the floor and breathing like he’d been underwater for a long time.
He’d packed a bag and had it hidden under his bed. The bag was what he would leave Camelot with as soon as he was done with everything involving the destiny he and Arthur shared. He continued to bury his love and serve Arthur faithfully.
Merlin became a master at faking smiles and pretending to be in cheerful moods. Every morning he went to Arthur’s chambers and performed his duties. He brought up breakfast and set it on the table, he threw the curtains to the side to let sunshine stream in and greeted the king rousing him from his sleep, dressed him for the day while trying not to let his fingers linger on any exposed skin, and sent the king on his way to whatever meeting or duties he had that day.
Merlin kept getting worse and worse as time went on and both Arthur and Gwen never seemed to be bothered by each other and they never hit a rough patch in their relationship they were just simply, perfect for each other.
Merlin suffered through it all. What was his happiness compared to that of his friends? He just had to wait, wait until he could leave and put this one-sided love behind him and return to a simple life in Ealdor with his mother.
A long time went by before either Arthur or Gwen seemed to not be so interested in each other. It was almost unnoticeable. Almost too subtle, but Guinevere’s attention had definitely started drifting towards Lancelot. Arthur didn’t seem to notice but Merlin did. A small sliver of hope was born in his chest. Arthur and Gwen’s relationship might not actually be as perfect as originally believed. It might end in the future and Arthur would end up with someone else.
Merlin immediately stopped his thought process. How horrible of a person was he that he wanted his friends relationship to be unhappy so that he could have him?
Eventually, Arthur did end up noticing the lingering looks between his wife and his most chivalrous knight. He definitely noticed when Gwen’s hand lingered on Lance’s for longer than it needed to for just a simple wish of good luck. Arthur didn’t publicly humiliate his knight or speak to his wife. Instead he sent Lancelot out on longer patrols along Camelot’s borders where he’d be gone for a number of weeks. Arthur did notice the longing look in his wife’s eyes as she watched Lance ride away with the rest of the patrol.
Two months passed and Lance wasn’t around. Arthur seemed more sure of himself though and the time he spent with Gwen in his chambers increased. Merlin tried not to let it get to him, it was only normal, they were married after all.
One afternoon Merlin was in Arthur’s chambers polishing his sword. Arthur and Gwen had gone to see Gaius since Gwen wasn’t feeling well. Lost in the monotony of polishing the sword he barely noticed when Arthur walked in, a wide smile on his face.
“Merlin, I just heard some of the best news a man can hear in his life.” Arthur exclaimed. Merlin startled at the sudden sound of Arthur’s voice but did give his attention to the king. “What news, Sire?” He didn’t think the news would make him smile as much as Arthur was.
Arthur’s smile got wider, “Gwen’s pregnant, there’ll be a Pendragon heir running around the castle soon enough.”
Merlin didn’t respond. His body had shut down at the words. He was no longer polishing the sword and he stared blankly at Arthur. Concerned as to why Merlin looked so shell-shocked Arthur asked, “Merlin what’s wrong.” Oh there were many things wrong but Merlin didn’t voice them. Instead he looked his friend in the face, mustered up a smile that hurt his cheeks and crinkled his eyes and…
“Everything’s absolutely perfect, Arthur”