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Published:
2025-05-26
Updated:
2025-08-13
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693
Chapters:
2/?
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Patrochilles chat fic because I HATE them

Summary:

[17:21] Patroclus: Odysseus.
[17:21] Patroclus: how did you like
[17:21] Patroclus: know
[17:23] Odysseus: what could this possibly mean

 

[00:46] Achilles: DUDE
[00:46] Achilles: ODYSSEUS
[00:46] Achilles: HELP?????

 

LOCAL NEWS: Greek Mythology Fan Goes Nuts And Writes A Chat Fic With No Plot About Ancient Greek Men In Highschool??? More At Six!

Chapter 1: stupid stupid gay people

Summary:

Odysseus begins his plotting

Notes:

GUYS I PROMISE EVERY SPELLING MISTAKE IS INTENTIONAL. I KNOW MY GRAMMAR I SWEAR

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Patroclus

[17:21] Patroclus: Odysseus.

[17:21] Patroclus: how did you like

[17:21] Patroclus: know

[17:23] Odysseus: what could this possibly mean

[17:23] Patroclus: how did you know you liked Penelope

[17:23] Patroclus: cause

[17:23] Odysseus: OH

[17:24] Odysseus: let me guess

[17:24] Odysseus: achilles

[17:24] Patroclus: I hope you die

[17:24] Patroclus: yeah

[17:24] Odysseus: I FUCKING KNEW IT

[17:24] Odysseus: DIO OWNS ME SO MUCH MONEY

[17:25] Patroclus: YOU GUYS WHERE BETTING??????????????

[17:25] Odysseus: YEAH

[17:25] Odysseus: ITS SO FUCKING OBVIOUS

[17:25] Patroclus: PRETTY please don't tell him

[17:26] Odysseus: dw

[17:26] Odysseus: its only if you guys get together

[17:26] Patroclus: oh

[17:26] Odysseus: so im going to have to start playing match maker now

[17:26] Odysseus: sighhh

[17:27] Patroclus: DON'T

 

Achilles

[00:46] Achilles: DUDE

[00:46] Achilles: ODYSSEUS 

[00:46] Achilles: HELP?????

[00:47] Odysseus: what

[00:47] Odysseus: if its something about patroclus I dont wanna hear it

 

[00:51] Odysseus: oh gods

[00:51] Odysseus: it is something about patroclus

 

Diomedes

[00:52] Odysseus: i live in a fucking fan fiction plot

 

Achilles

[00:52] Odysseus: alright what

[00:53] Achilles: WHGXHJSKAXMJNH CSNMSX

[00:53] Achilles: ITS SO OVER

[00:54] Achilles: IM GOING TO DIE

[00:54] Odysseus: calm down lover boy

[00:54] Odysseus: what happened

[00:54] Achilles: i fucking like patroclus

[00:54] Achilles: and im in a cycle of giggling manically and yearning

[00:55] Achilles: ur the best advice giver

[00:55] Achilles: help

[00:55] Odysseus: this is exactly what happened with me n penelope

[00:55] Odysseus: and she likes me

[00:55] Odysseus: so save us all from your insufferable pining PLEASE

[00:56] Achilles: no because what if he hates me

[00:56] Odysseus: he wouldnt hate you

[00:56] Odysseus: hes to like

[00:56] Odysseus: nice isnt the word

[00:57] Odysseus: idk Im not exactly on his wavelength

[00:57] Odysseus: BUT YOU ARE

[00:57] Odysseus: you get him and he gets you

[00:57] Odysseus: so PLEASE just tell him

[00:58] Achilles: you dont know that

[00:58] Odysseus: im blocking you

Notes:

Odysseus does not wanna deal with achilles at this hour
any criticism is VERY welcome pretty please tell me all your thoughts about this

Chapter 2: Achilles got the illness💔

Summary:

IM SORRY FOR NOT WRITING FOR SO LONG I SWEAR IM TRYING TO WRITE MORE PINKY PROMISE

Notes:

thank you for the wonderful commenter who motivated me to post this chapter, guess it didn't take me two weeks lol

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Patroclus

[06:44] Odysseus: you will tell him

[06:44] Odysseus: you will tell him

[06:44] Odysseus: you will tell him

[06:51] Patroclus: good morning to you too

[06:52] Odysseus: shhh

[06:52] Odysseus: im doing subliminals

[06:53] Patroclus: wow

[06:53] Patroclus: I feel so

[06:53] Patroclus: sublimined???

[06:54] Odysseus: does that mean its working

[06:54] Patroclus: no

 

fuckers

[07:21] Odysseus: fit check

[07:21] Odysseus: [Picture-25/14/8]

[07:22] Achilles: next time i talk to you your walking out of that conversation PREGNANT

 

Patroclus

[07:22] Odysseus: wishing you were me huh

[07:22] Patroclus: HELLO???

[07:23] Odysseus: if i cant make you confess to achilles im going to bully you into it

 

fuckers

[07:22] Diomedes: woah there buddy

[07:22] Diomedes: hes mine

[07:23] Patroclus: I'm sending this to Penelope

[07:23] Achilles: LMAO

 

Patroclus

[11:47] Patroclus: have you seen Achilles today?

[11:47] Patroclus: I haven’t seen him all day

[11:48] Odysseus: no actually

[11:48] Odysseus: he texted me saying hes sick i think

[11:48] Odysseus: hold on let me check

 

Achilles

[11:48] Odysseus: where are you.

[12:49] Achilles: huh

[11:49] Odysseus: pat is worrying about you

[11:49] Odysseus: cause your ass isnt here

[11:50] Odysseus: your fumblingggggggg

[11:50] Achilles: FUCK

[11:50] Achilles: SHITSHIT HSIT I DIDNT TELL HIM

 

Patroclus

[11:53] Patroclus: oh nevermind he just texted me he’s sick

[11:54] Odysseus: of course he text YOU

[11:54] Patroclus: ssshhhhhhhh

[11:54] Patroclus: nuh uh

[11:55] Odysseus: hes literally gay for you theres no reason for this pining

[11:55] Odysseus: PLEASE pat.

[11:56] Patroclus: how would you know that

[11:56] Odysseus: i just know okay

[11:56] Odysseus: i know what he is

[11:57] Patroclus: takes one to know one I guess??????

Notes:

sighhhh
guys guess who's going to take care of Achilles.