Chapter Text
"The truth?"
Her limbs trembled from the pain as she tried to hold herself upright and not collapse to the ground. Her body brutalized, her connection to the source gone.
The air in the hall was heavy, suffocating with tension. No one spoke. No one said anything. Complete silence lay over the hall of the tower.
Siuan stood in front of the Amyrlin Seat. In front of the sisters that had betrayed her.
That had defiled her. That had stilled her. That had tried to break her.
The sisters she had once called her daughters. The people she had sworn to teach. To guide. To protect.
Those people had betrayed her. Tortured her. Interrogated her.
They had taken everything from her.
And one person was responsible for all of it. Elaida sat high up on the Amyrlin Seat, face composed, as she spoke.
"That is all we ask."
Siuan stared at the floor. The grey and brown marbled tiles stained with blood. Her blood.
The truth... the truth... they wanted the truth. It would be the first time she would ever admit the truth to anyone. The whole truth.
A secret she had tried to protect for decades. Years and years of secrecy, stolen meetings, twisted words.
She had given everything for the cause. The Dragon Reborn. Moiraine.
Moiraine... her Moiraine...
Light, how had they ended up here? How had she ended up here? When had it come to this?
Tears started welling up in her eyes, though she tried hard to suppress them.
She just wanted to go home. To her little fishing hut. To her love.
Everything she had done, everything she had given up, everything led to this moment. She had sacrificed everything... for nothing.
The truth wasn't worth anything anymore.
There was no going back from this. The secret was already out. All they wanted was confirmation.
From her. Siuan Sanche. The former Amyrlin.
The person they believe to have betrayed them all.
Siuan lifted her chin, her voice soft, almost a whisper. But gaining confidence as she
spoke.
"The truth is... I love Moiraine. I have always, and will always love her. I would die to protect her."
The secret was out. The thing she had given everything to hide. It was out there. In
the open. Everyone knew.
Hushed voices echoed through the hall. Some sisters gasped, surprised at the words
leaving Siuans mouth.
No life... no lover one's own...
An appearance she had kept up for years.
Shattered.
Not that appearances mattered anymore. Siuan looked down at herself. Her body bruised and bloody, her robes torn, her hands trembling.
It was done.
But maybe, maybe it wasn't over. Maybe she could still turn this around. Maybe she could fix this.
If not for herself, then for Moiraine. The lost years. Their stolen future. Their cause.
Maybe then Moiraine could still be proud of her.
She took a deep breath, dragging strength up from within, from her love for Moiraine. The only reason she was still here. Standing. Speaking her truth. The person that gave her strength, when no one else could.
Her light.
Her love.
Siuan continued, voice firmer than before.
"Twenty years ago, Gitara Sedai had a foretelling. Moiraine and I were there. She saw, that the dragon was born again."
A sharp pain shot through her heart, even greater than the wounds on her flesh. The remembrance of that one fateful day that had changed everything — that had ruined everything — still burning like a fire from within.
"The world is changing. We cannot stand behind these walls and pretend we still have control. The only thing we have control over is what. we. do. So what will you do?"
Siuans gaze, fixed on Elaida. Starting into her eyes. Before traveling over the other sisters in the room.
The empty seats that had once belonged to the Blue Ajah. The bloody trail behind her on the floor.
Still no one spoke.
Siuan looked around the hall, meeting every gaze she could. The sisters looking at her with big, expecting eyes.
Some unsure whether they should intervene and say something.
Others giving her a cold, distant glare, laced so thick with disgust, it made Siuans heart clench.
"Will you stand behind this woman, who stands for nothing? Who loves nothing, but power?"
Siuans gaze traveled over the floor in front of her as she was trying to find the words to continue.
"It's not the tower, or the seat that makes us who we are. It is us. US. WE are the power. The Light shines through US. That is the truth!"
She spit out. Eyes filled with fury and desperation.
Elaida's posture stiffened. Her hands clenched against the Amyrlin Seat. Siuan saw the flicker. A twitch in the jaw, a flare in the eyes. The confidence in her gaze wavered, just for a heartbeat. Doubt.
Elaida had made a mistake. And she knew it.
"I am Aes Sedai."
Siuan continued as the pain rippled through her chest. Drawing strength from years of teaching, memories of other Aes Sedai, of the sisters that still supported her. That trusted her. That believed in her.
She could do this. She had to. She had to turn this around. Somehow. For Moiraine.
Elaida was visibly uncomfortable as she shifted in her seat. Her eyes flickering between Siuan and another point off in the distance.
"I have sworn on the oath, that my sisters have sworn on for thousands of years... So, you hear my words, and know that they are true. If you stay here, you will burn with this tower that you claim to love."
Her breath shaky as she felt her strength slipping away. Her chest heaved.
"But, I will never burn. Because I am Siuan Sanche."
She took a deep desperate breath, gathering all her strength. Staring directly at
Elaida, eyes bright with fury and clarity.
"Daughter of the river. Water itself. And I defy you. I DEFY YOU ELAIDA."
The chamber was still.
No one moved. Or even dared to breathe. The tension so thick one could have cut it with a knife.
Alviarin Freidhen, the new Keeper of the Chronicles, the replacement for Leane, quietly observed Elaida, looking for a sign to act.
The Amyrlin seat herself was visibly shaken by Siuans words, though she tried to hide it.
Bottled emotions rising up inside her as she saw the effect the former Amyrlin still had on some of the sisters. Elaidas eyes full with hate and frustration.
No one spoke.
Until...
"The vote was already done. You were sentenced, Siuan Sanche... to death."
Alviarin's voice sliced through the silence like a blade. Her eyes were cold, unreadable.
A thick silence followed.
Siuan felt all the strength she had so desperately try to acquire slip away in a second.
Her legs shaking, almost giving out under her weight. Her hand twitching.
Siuans eyes fell shut as a quiet tear rolled down her cheek. A tear she had managed to
hold in for the duration of her speech. But it hadn't mattered. None of it had mattered.
It had all been for nothing.
It was done.
Everything she had done, was for nothing.
She had failed.
She had failed Moiraine.
And suddenly everything was over.
Siuan didn't see the motion.
Just the flash of the one power.
A sharp pain tore through her throat.
The world tilted. The walls of the Hall spun.
Everything went black.
When Siuan opened her eyes, everything was different. Something had shifted.
There was no pain. No emptiness.
There was nothing.
At least for a while.
She didn't breathe. Didn't cough or cry out.
She simply existed. Just for a moment. Existing in peace. Peace she had so long longed for.
It took her a moment to realize that she in fact still existed. The feeling of peace had wrapped her in such blissful oblivion, ridding her of any
thought.
Siuan was lying flat, cheek pressed to the smooth, hard ground. Her eyes blinked slowly. The stone beneath her was pure white, featureless, and stretched just far enough in every direction for her to know she wasn't in any room of
the Tower. The Hall of the Tower she had just been in had disappeared.
There was no marbled floor, no sister, no Amyrlin seat. There were no walls, no ceiling, no sky.
Just the fog.
A bright, white fog curled thick around her. She could see maybe ten feet in any direction. Beyond that was nothing. Just light. Blinding and endless and empty.
Where in the Light was she?
"Moiraine?" She quietly whispered into the big endless void of white fog.
No reply.
She didn't even know why she had thought of even asking for her. Moiraine. Why would she be here? Wherever here could be...
She sat up, slowly.
Her limbs obeyed. No pain. No blood.
Suddenly the memories came flooding back. Memories of the last few seconds. The seconds before...
She slowly reached her hand up to her throat, trying to feel where she had felt the last
attack hit her. Hot tears prickling in her eyes.
"No... no this can't... no..." Siuan whispered, touching her throat... and feeling nothing.
No. She couldn't be dead. This could not be how it would end for her. She still had so much to do. She had to prepare the Tower to join the dragon reborn. She had to support him in the years to come. She had to be there for the final battle.
She had to find Moiraine.
She had promised her, she would find her.
That they would win the final battle, and live in their fish hut until they both had grey
hair. That they would get married and get matching tattoos. That they would live out their life together.
She had promised...
They had so many plans. And now all those plans were nothing but a distant dream.
Something that never existed and never would.
Not in this life. Not in this turning of the wheel.
Not now. Not ever.
And what about Moiraine? How would she complete her quest now... their quest...
now, that Siuan was... dead?
She turned in a slow circle. The fog shifted with her, but never lifted. It felt alive somehow. It felt like it was watching her. Analyzing her every move. Siuans breath, now came faster, sharper, as the reality began to settle in her chest like a stone.
She remembered. She remembered everything. And it was too much to bear.
The betrayal. The hurt. The feeling of being utterly alone. Her death.
It all came back.
Flooding in like big waves from the shore, threatening to swallow her whole.
This couldn't be. This just couldn't be.
Siuan clenched her jaw and shut her eyes, forcing the memory down. Or at least trying to.
She had to think.
If she was dead, why was she here? Wherever here was.
Was this what being dead was like? Lost in an endless sea of fog? Mercilessly alone?
It was the kind of loneliness that made you feel a chill over your whole body. The kind that was too uncomfortable to bear. One that carried years of memories, loss and grief.
It was too much.
This just couldn't be.
When Siuan opened her eyes again, the fog had disappeared. She suddenly wasn't in the middle of nothingness anymore, but somewhere else
entirely.
Siuan could feel the cold mossy ground beneath her bare feet and the morning chill that surrounded her. Soft sunlight shining through the treetops, casting shadows on the ground.
It was almost peaceful. Almost.
But it was too quiet. No sound. Nothing to be heard. Not a single bird. No animal, no human, no sound at all.
Siuan let her eyes wander around.
Where was she? And more importantly... why was she here?
Suddenly.
A sound.
A tree branch. Somewhere off in the distance.
Siuan immediately started walking towards the sound, the cold wet moss beneath her
feet leaving her cold and shivering.
As she came closer to the sound of the noise she could hear muffled voices.
She recognized them before seeing who was talking.
Moiraine.
Her heart leaped. She quickly walked closer towards where her lover had to be, but
somehow Moiraines voice only grew more distant the closer she came.
Moiraine was moving away from Siuan. She couldn't see her or feel her, but she could
hear her voice.
"Moiraine?" Siuan started walking faster. Desperate to catch her wife. To look at her.
Just one last time. One last glance. One last kiss. One last goodbye.
The voice only grew more distant and Siuan couldn't understand what Moiraine was saying. She was mumbling. The sounds muffled. The echoes bouncing off the trees forming a cloud of incoherent words and letters.
Siuan broke into a run.
The forest blurred around her. Twigs scratched at her legs. The moss grew colder,
slicker, clinging to her skin. Small rocks pushing into the bottom of her feet, leaving wounds and cuts in her skin. Suddenly a strong wind appeared. Blowing into Siuans direction, pushing her back. Her hair falling into her face and swirling all around, making it hard to see.
"Moiraine?"
She shouted again, louder this time. Her voice echoed, but not in any direction she
could follow. It sounded wrong, distorted. As if the forest swallowed the name the moment it left her lips, ans yet Siuan didn't stop running.
Where was she?
The voice ahead grew fainter. Quiet sobs grew louder and louder. Surrounding Siuan, pushing against her. Her heart hurt, the sound of crying pulling at her heartstrings so hard, Siuan began to wonder whether a heart could be ripped in two just by witnessing your lover suffer. Moiraine. She was crying. She was crying and she wasn't there to help.
"Moiraineeee!"
The wind grew stronger and stronger, picking up pace at an extraordinary pace, blowing through the trees surrounding her.
The branches screeching as they were thrown around.
But Siuan kept moving.
Bushes lashed at her face, her legs, her arms. And within only a few minutes the soft sunlight had vanished, and had been replaced by a growing shadow in the sky. Darkness settling in beneath the tall trees.
Swallowing the light.
The wind picked up even more. Sharp and sudden, rustling the treetops. It almost sounded like the trees were gonna collapse.
"Moiraine!"
The name tore from her throat.
The sobs became louder and louder. Raw and sharp, ripping through the Siuan and tearing her apart until she couldn't even remember her own name. Her mind solely focused on her love.
She froze, heart hammering. The sound of Moiraines crying surrounded her. It echoed from every direction, louder, and louder, until it became a scream.
"Moiraine!" Siuan cried again. "I'm here! Please!"
The wind howled. Leaves whipped into the air. The trees twisted violently.
Siuan stumbled as the ground shook beneath her feet. A sudden gust ripped through the forest, and then another, swirling faster and faster, until she could barely stay standing.
The trees seemed to grow taller with each passing moment, swallowing the rest of the light. An unsettling darkness covered everything around.
The sobs grew louder.
Moiraine's voice was everywhere. Sobbing. Screaming. Calling out in agony.
"My love, I'm here!" Siuan shouted into the whirlwind, her own voice now coming
out in a whimper, breaking after every word, as she started to weep. "Please just let me see you!"
But the storm only got louder. Faster. It surrounded her. Forcing her to her knees.
Siuan covered her ears, but it didn't help. She could still hear Moiraines cries echoing
through her bones... and finally she could understand what Moiraine was saying.
She was crying her name. Over and over again.
"Siuan... Siuan... Siuan..."
It almost sounded like a mantra. Hearing it repeated. Again and again.
"Siuan... Siuan... Siuan..."
"Please!" Siuan begged, crouched on the wet, cold floor. "Make it stop! Please!"
"Siuan... Siuan... Siuan..."
The cries getting louder and louder. Screaming in her ears. Full of desperation. Hurt. Grief. Disappointment.
The winds howled louder.
"Siuan... Siuan... Siuan."
Siuan broke out in violent sobs herself. The sound of her lovers voice hurting in her ears. She could feel the deep grief, echoing in Moiraines words, making it hard for her to breathe. Her heartbeat quickening. Make it stop. Light please make it stop.
Moiraines cries ringing loud in her ears. Breaking her heart over and over again. The pain greater than anything she had felt before. Greater than any person could ever physically hurt her.
This pain was different. It was a pain that ripped through her soul. Stealing the light.
Burning out good memories and only leaving a big dark void. Emptiness suddenly resided
where light used to live.
And it hurt. It hurt so much.
Siuan could feel Moiraine getting ripped away from her. Piece my piece. And it killed
her.
It was too much.
It had to stop.
But she couldn't let Moiraine go. She just couldn't. No. She wouldn't let Moiraine go. Not again. Not without saying goodbye.
Her whole body shivered, dying more with every second that passed. She had to stop it. Now. And with all her might, she screamed, gathering all her strength, louder than she had ever before. Her throat raw, burning.
"MAKE IT STOP!!"
And suddenly, like a switch had been flipped — silence. The storm vanished.
No wind. No trees. No sound.
Siuan opened her eyes, a quiet tear running down her cheek, her heart still aching.
And though she felt her body relax, she still felt tense.
As if something or someone was pulling at her. Ripping her into different directions.
Trying to pull her apart.
The Aes Sedai took a deep breath, or at least tried to. Her heart still beating heavily from her run and hearing her lover call out, obviously in pain and sorrow, desperately looking for Siuan, who couldn't find her. Even after trying everything in her power to find her.
Siuan looked around and realized that the big tall trees had disappeared. The storm was gone. The ground no longer cold and wet. She wasn't in the forest anymore.
But Siuan couldn't move. Couldn't say anything. She just stood there. Frozen. She tried to move her arm, to lift her leg, pushing forward with all her might, her mind fighting a quiet battle against her muscles... nothing. She truly was stuck. Staring at the scene playing out in front of her.
It was hot. Burning hot. Nothing around but sand. A soft breeze blowing over the dunes, the sun high up in the sky, and amidst this dry, unforgiving landscape stood Moiraine.
She was fighting.
Siuan's breath caught in her chest as she saw her.
Moiraine was furious. Her hands, stiff, as she wielded the one power with such strength and determination it was obvious that her life depended on this. This fight.
Her eyes glowing with rage, Saidar wrapped around her wrists as she hurled weaves
toward her enemy.
Lanfear.
The Daughter of the Night snarled and struck back. Her power clashing against
Moiraine's. Their weaves collided. A bright light flashed through the sky, blinding Siuan. As she turned her gaze away for just a second, avoiding the bright flashing, threatening to blind her she registered someone else's presence.
Lan.
He was running towards the scene in an attempt to help his Aes Sedai. Sword in hand. The look of determination on his face.
But it was too late.
Moiraine jumped forward, tackling Lanfear, in a last desperate attempt at winning. They fell.
Stumbling towards a twisted redstone doorframe.
And together, locked in combat, vanishing into the nothing.
The gateway subsequently melted.
That was it. They were dead.
Moiraine was gone.
Siuan stood there, having witnessed everything. Her mind too shocked to properly process anything. It had happened too quickly. One second her mind was cheering her lover on and the next...
No! This couldn't be. Moiraine couldn't die! Not like this! She must have just fallen through the portal. There was nothing to indicate otherwise.
But if Moiraine truly was dead...
Hot tears shot into Siuans eyes. She had to be dreaming. This couldn't be real. This was all in her head. There was no way she was seeing the present right now. Or was it the future? What even was it she was witnessing?
No matter what it was it couldn't be real. It just couldn't. This couldn't be how things ended for Moiriane. No. Siuan wouldn't let it.
The image of her love falling into the portal burned hot in Siuans mind. This had to be a dream. It had to.
She tried to convince herself that what she had just seen was nothing but a mere adventure of her mind. One of the many nightmares that had plagued her over the past months that she hadn't seen Moiraine.
But deep down she knew it wasn't. It was real. Or at least it would be. This was the future.
She was seeing what was going to happen. Now that the pattern had shifted. Now that she was dead.
Her mind began to race, going through every possible future she could come up with in this moment while also lingering over the burning memory of her lovers potential death, but before Siuan could properly react, or even try to do something, everything shifted again.
She lost her balance. Everything faded into darkness.
Suddenly she was back at the Tower.
In the Great Hall. Surrounded by big grey marbles pillars.
Her sisters sitting in a circle staring at the person in front of them.
But they weren't looking at Siuan, whose mind was still a mess, as she tried to process the fact that she had just seen her lover sacrifice herself for the cause.
It was Rand they had focused their attention on.
He kneeled in the center of the Hall, restrained by flows of air and fire. His eyes burning with rage and pure hatred for the people in front of him. The sisters got up from their seats. Taking slow, conscious steps towards the dragon reborn.
Surrounding him.
Their eyes determined. Their faces stiff.
Siuan knew that expression. She herself had seen it not too long ago. Right before
she...
The Amyrlin on the Seat raised a hand.
"He is too dangerous. We need to still him."
The Aes Sedai linked and struck. Hitting Rand with the one power. Over and over
again. All at once.
But Rand broke free.
The weave around him exploded, flinging the sisters across the room. The whole
tower seemed to shake.
Rand stood up. Taking on all sisters on at once. Screams echoed through the hall.
Blood splattered on the grey tiles. Hurried footsteps. Cries of anguish.
The ceiling cracked. Fire raced up the columns.
Suddenly everything vanished.
DARKNESS.
When Siuan opened her eyes again her eyes widened in horror.
Lan.
His face was hollow, covered in dried blood and worry, as he reached into the
darkness. His hands gripped a thin, pale arm.
Moiraine. She wasn't dead! Siuans heart leaped for a moment, before the reality came crashing down on her. She saw Moiraine.
Lan pulled her from the shadows like a corpse. Her eyes were closed. Her face gaunt.
Threads of blood at her temples. Her dress torn and blackened. It was an awful sight. Moiraine weak, not responsive. Siuans stomach tied into a knot, seeing her lover in such a disheveled way, barely clinging to life itself.
"Moiraine?" he whispered, voice cracking.
She didn't answer.
Her chest barely moved.
She was alive.
But only just.
Siuan wanted to cry out. She felt like throwing up. Seeing her like that. Half dead. Only a shell of her former self. Moiraine wasn't dead but this... this was not what Siuan would ever want for her lover. Not ever.
Was this where she had ended up after she had fallen through the portal?
How long had she been here?
When...?
DARKNESS.
Siuans eyes shot open. Dried tears on her cheeks. Eyes red. Cheeks flushed.
She stood motionless, her breath still caught somewhere between her ribs and her throat.
She wanted to scream. She wanted to cry. But she could only watch. Watch the future unfold. A future she was no longer a part of. A future without her.
Her hands trembled, and slowly her eyes adjusted to the darkness around her.
Two figures moved in front of her. She was in an Inn. Or a small cabin. Hard to tell.
Wooden panels covered the walls, and a small window let a glimpse of moonlight
into the room, flooding the space. The small candle on the desk nearly burnt down.
"You have to stop Moiraine. You have to go into hiding. They will find you and kill
you if you don't." Lan stood in front of Moiraine.
His voice rough, cracking slightly.
It was obvious they had had this fight before. And that this particular one had been going on for quite some time already.
Moiraine didn't answer right away.
She looked older. Thinner. Her eyes rimmed with sleeplessness as her hands gripped the edge of the wooden table in front of her. Her knuckles turning white.
"You don't understand," she shot back.
"You need to stop Moiraine. This is not the way. I know why you're doing what you're doing. But you're making a mistake." Lan said. "Siuan is gone."
Moiraine flinched. Her voice cold as ice as she spoke. "Don't talk about her. She is not the reason I'm doing this."
"You want to keep going on this mission, but you're in way over your head. You cannot win. Not like this. You are risking too much. You need to take a step back for a while. And wait."
"I have no time to wait, Lan! The Dark One is still out there if you haven't forgotten! The forsaken are running free! Lanfear is running free! I need to do this. I cannot and I will not stop now. And if it will cost me the ultimate price, so be it. I don't have much to lose anymore anyways."
Moiriane turned away from Lan. Her movements charged with emotion. Her fingers trembling in the moonlight.
A thick silence settled in the room. Heavy with unsaid words and months of silence and pain.
"The ultimate price?! You are not following your mission. You are just being careless." Lans eyes filled with rage. "Well, let me tell you this. You don't get to do this. Not to me. Not to Siuan. She wouldn't want you to die in something that could
have easily been prevented. She wouldn't want that." He paused, staring deep into her eyes. "You know what I think?"
A beat.
Moiraine slowly turned her back to Lan in a desperate attempt at hiding the tears in her eyes. Unwilling to let them fall.
"I think you just want to die. Feel like you fulfilled your duty, and pass on, into the next life. But you don't get to do this. I know you feel as if you have nothing left to lose, but we're all still here. Rand is here. Egwene is here. I'm here. Let us in. Let us
help. Don't shut us out."
"You can win the final battle without me." Her voice was shaky, cracking at the last word, though she tried to exude confidence.
"No. No we can't. And we won't. We need you, Moiraine. I need you." Lan took a small step towards her reaching out one of his hands for support.
Moiraine lost her balance, falling into Lans arms, finally letting the tears flow that she had probably held in for months, if not years. Small sobs escaping her as she buried her face in the crook of Lans neck.
Ripping through Siuans heart.
She had always been the shoulder Moiraine would cry on, on the scarce occasions when she actually did. But now... now she wasn't here anymore.
The thought burned in her mind. With every second that passed she felt herself grow weaker. She felt as if she was being torn apart. Watching Moiraine suffer, because of her, because of what had happened to her, because of the choices she had made, was worse than any torture.
Worse than death itself.
Moiraines quiet cries ringing through the night.
"I just... I miss her so much..."
DARKNESS
Moiraines voice still echoed through her head as the next vision appeared.
Stone walls rose around her.
She was back at the White Tower.
But something was off. Different than what she remembered. The hall seemed colder.
But Siuan couldn't quite place why.
A scream shot through the silence.
Siuan's breath caught, as she witnessed the scene in front of her.
Moiraine stood in the center of the Hall. Alone.
In front of her, Alviarin Freidhen. The Keeper taking a step back from the other Aes Sedai, clutching her stomach. One step, then another.
Blood stained her white dress. Her eyes wide with a mix of confusion and anger.
"You've lost your mind. You cannot do this. You cannot kill me. You know that. Or have you forgotten your vows? Moiraine Sedai," Alviarin hissed. "She was executed by the Hall. Your grief does not justify murder."
Moiraine's hand trembled, just barely. But her eyes were as determined as ever.
"You don't get to say her name. You murdered her. You cut her head off. Right here. Right where I'm standing now. And you watched. You watched her bleed out on the floor. You watched as her head rolled on the ground. You watched, and you did nothing to save her! You were the one that killed her. You were the one that took her from me!"
Power surged around Moiraine, hot and glowing, as took a step forward, towards her target. Her face still and controlled, but her eyes full of rage.
"Her and my other sisters! You took them from me. You and your other dark friends. But now your game is over. Now you are alone."
A beat.
"And now you will pay."
Alviarin tried to do something, attempted to weave something in defense, to get the upper hand, to shield herself, to hit Moiraine, but she was too slow. It was too late.
A loud scream escaped her lips, ripping through the air. It was a scream of desperation and the knowledge of impending, unavoidable doom.
That was the last sound she made.
A lash of fire and air struck her throat.
She dropped, mouth open, eyes wide.
Dead.
DARKNESS.
The darkness thinned again, revealing a small single room. It was quiet, but Siuan
could still feel Alviarins scream deep in her bones. A small shiver ran across her
spine. But she was still unable to move. Unable to talk. To shout. To scream. To cry.
Siuans eyes stared at the woman in front of her. Her heart clenching in return. Desperate to reach for her. To feel her. To kiss her.
But there was nothing she could do. She was frozen. All she could do was observe.
Observe and stay quiet.
The room was surrounded by stone walls. Soft candlelight flickered against old tapestries that Siuan remembered from her visit in Cairhien. Moiraine was in her old childhood bedroom.
A small fire crackling in the hearth provided the only sound. Moiraine sat on the floor.
Alone.
A small wooden box lay open beside her, its contents scattered on the carpet around her.
Letters.
Siuan's letters.
One still sealed, which must have been the last letter Siuan had sent to her lover.
Other letters crinkled and opened a dozen times over.
Siuan still remembered writing them. Every single one. Starting off from when they were still novices to the morning of her death. Each telling a story. A story of their love. Their feelings. Their story.
It had been years since Siuan had seen some of the letters, unsure if Moiraine had even gotten half of them, as she was on the road for so long.
Letters had been their only means of communication. Their lifeline. Their connection.
Siuans thoughts raced. Coming back to the different times she had written the letters.
The words she had said in them. Words full of love, passion and hope.
Hope that was now forever gone.
Moiraine picked up one of the letters. Carefully, as if she was scared it was gonna dissolve in her hands.
She read silently. Her eyes following the curved letters on the page. Her fingers trembled, creasing the thin paper.
Moiraine paused, pushing a strand of hair out of her face, looking around the room and back onto the letter.
She stared at it for a long time. Her gaze occasionally traveling to the other letters laid out in front of her.
Then she folded it shut.
Moiraine pressed the letter to her lips and let it rest there for a few seconds. Her eyes closed. Her forehead wrinkled in a frown. Her body tense yet shaking.
She didn't cry. Not yet.
The Aes Sedai reached forward and slowly placed the folded letter into the flames.
The paper curled, blackened and vanished. The only thing breaking the silence being the small crackling of the fire and the sizzling of the burning paper.
The words disappeared. Forever. Nothing remained. Nothing but Moirianes and
Siuans memories, and their lost dreams of a future they would never get to share.
Moiraine burned the other letters too. One by one.
It was a goodbye. A goodbye from her old life. The woman she used to be.
A goodbye from Siuan.
Her eyes never left the fire. Hands shaking as she watched the flames dance and swallow up every part of her old self. One by one.
Siuan knew that Moiraine had to move on at some point. Had to begin anew. Thats what she wanted for her. A good life. Happiness and love. Everything she deserved.
Even if that meant a life without her.
And still, she would have lied, had she said it didn't hurt. Seeing Moiraine say goodbye.
They had said goodbye so many times. But none of them had felt this... final.
One last goodbye. Forever.
"Till death do us part." That's what they had said in their wedding vows. But death had parted them long ago. And it would never be the same again.
Watching Moiraine burn the life they had had in front of her eyes felt like being
murdered all over again. Letter by letter. Breath by breath.
And Siuan couldn't do anything. she just stood there. Invisible to her lover. Unable to speak.
She was gone. She was dead.
Moiraine sat still. Not uttering a word. Trying to hold her composure throughout the
whole ordeal. Only when the last letter turned to ash did the tears come, silent and endless.
DARKNESS
Siuan wanted to scream, to shout. But no words left her mouth. No sound.
Her breath fast, her whole body trembling. It was too much.
This had to stop.
She couldn't do this anymore.
The pain and burden of the future lying heavy on her, weighing her down.
Suffocating her.
Her eyelids fluttering, as she tried to gain her composure.
Siuan was on an open field near a forest. The dark sky high above. Stars twinkling over the endless black banner.
It was quiet, but she could feel the tension in the air. The calm before the storm.
A single campfire burned nearby, lighting up the surrounding area. Casting shadows on the tents in the background.
Lan sat, leaned up against a log, next to the fire. One arm tightly wrapped around
Nynaeve. They were both breathing heavily, asleep, or at least pretending to be.
Opposite to them sat Rand, Perrin, Mat and Egwene. None of them spoke. All lost in
thought, not willing to break the heavy silence that rested over the camp.
A few feet away from them, underneath a big oak tree stood Elayne next to an Aiel woman, whose name Siuan had forgotten. They shared a slow, soft kiss, and swayed softly in the wind. Hugging the other as tightly as possible.
Siuans heart ached at the sight. Remembering Moiraine and her past. The need to hold her lover again, to feel her again, growing stronger and stronger.
She had to pull her gaze away to not get lost in emotion. Scared she might drown.
That's when her eyes found Moiraine.
Her lover stood apart from the others. Her cloak pulled tight around her. The wind brushed against her face, carrying the scent of smoke and blood far off in the distance.
She didn't move for a long time.
Then, slowly, she pulled something from her pocket.
A drawing. One of her and Siuan. It was an old picture from years ago. A woman in a small shop in Tar Valon had drawn it for them on one of their last days together, before Moiraine had left on her journey to find the dragon.
She held it in both hands. Traced the edge of Siuans face with her thumb. Her eyes sad, lost in thought. She looked at it a moment longer, then slipped it back inside her coat.
Close to her heart.
Muffled steps made their way over to Moiraine, who looked up slowly at the person approaching.
Rand.
"We can win this, Moiraine. I know it."
Moiraine nodded giving Rand a small smile before turning her head away. Her eyes
told a different story.
She muttered something under her breath, so quiet even Siuan barely heard it.
"I'm not sure that we can."
DARKNESS
The world seemed to turn, Siuan lost all sense of balance and reality, as she got tossed around, into the next vision.
The final vision.
Even before the Aes Sedai opened her eyes she could feel it. Something was wrong. Something was very wrong.
The cold air made her hairs stand up.
The sky was black. A swirling dome of cloud and shadow loomed above a scarred landscape. The earth was cracked and dead.
Bodies littered the field.
Too many to count.
Siuan recognized some of the fallen. Alanna and her warders. Nynaeve. Leane.
Light! Not Leane. Please not Leane! Anyone but her...
Suddenly, before Siuan could finish her thought, the scene shifted. Siuan hitting the ground in a loud thud. Her bones ached. Her head throbbed.
She slowly lifted her head.
Screams echoing from a distance. The loud crackling of fire, trees falling over. The clinging sound of metal against metal. Cries. Laughter. Weeping.
Smoke rose from the forest around her, flying up, high, towards the already blackened sky.
Siuan had to cough, the black dust burning in her lungs as the fire drew closer and closer.
Then she heard it. Footsteps approaching. Running towards her.
"Rand! You need to leave. Now!"
Even before Siuan could see the person speaking she knew who was approaching.
She knew that voice all too well. She had studied it for years. The soft ringing of her voice. The way it grew in volume or quieted pronouncing each word. The slight Cairhien accent, she had tried to get rid of so desperately.
Moiraine.
Her knowledge only getting confirmed as she saw the brown haired woman stepping out through the smoke into the clearing.
The bottom corner of her cloak was burnt, her blue dress muddy, her hair wet, stuck to her face, drenched in sweat.
"No! We can't leave now! We can still win this. I know it!" Rand stumbled after Moiraine, looking equally as disheveled. A big bruise graced his forehead, blood running down his temple.
Moiraine could have healed him, but there was no time. They had to act quickly.
"We can't! Why can't you understand that? We lost! But we don't have to lose forever! You need to go, gather all the troops you can find and then you can try again. You can win this fight, Rand, for the Light." Moiraine gasped for air, exhausted from all the running.
Her gaze travelled across the surrounding forest, looking for shadows in the smoke. She grabbed Rand and stared deeply into his eyes. Pleading. "But Rand you can only do that, you can
only win, if you live. You need to get out of here. Now!"
Rands looked at the ground, seemingly unsure of what to do. They had prepared him for this battle. The final battle. But what if this battle wouldn't actually be the last one?
"Alright. Let's go..." Rand took a deep breath and just as he was about to turn around, to lead them deeper into the forest, Moiraine grabbed his arm.
"No. You go. I will stay. To make sure they don't try to follow you."
"Moiraine you can't do that. That's a suicide mission! You need to come with me."
Rand looked at her with big eyes and was just about to turn again when the Aes Sedai
spoke.
"I have given my life for this. The cause. This battle. For you. I have given everything. And I have lost..." Her voice broke for a moment. "Everything. I will not let that be for nothing. Not to save your pride. You need to leave. Now. Or everything will be lost."
The noise around them grew louder. Slowly. But people were approaching. Twigs cracking. Voices becoming closer. Low grunts echoing through the trees.
Panic rose in Siuan. What were they doing? Just standing there? They had to leave!
They had to leave NOW!
As much as she tried to move, to get up, she couldn't. Her shouts unable to pass her
throat.
Her gaze was fixed on Moiraine who was clearly more aware of the severity of the
situation than Rand was. Her eyes filled with pure horror and something she hadn't seen in Moiraine for years. She was scared.
Suddenly a big ball of light struck the middle of the clearing, sending Moiraine and Rand flying against the nearby trees. Siuan had to watch in horror as Lanfear and a man Siuan didn't know approached.
Moiraine was lying on her stomach, her face split open on one side from the impact with one of the trees. Blood spilling on the floor. Her mouth twisted in pain.
Rand didn't look any better. He hit the ground just moments after Moiraine. Unconscious.
Siuan wanted to get up. To use the one power. To save Moiraine. Rand. The world.
But she couldn't. She wasn't really there after all. She was just an observer. Watching the scene unfold before her eyes. Fear filled her eyes as she watched Moiraine get up to defend herself, but immediately getting struck down. Multiple daggers flying through the air. All of them hitting their target. All at once.
Moiraine fell to the ground. The daggers still lodged into her legs, arms, chest, back.
Lanfear laughed and lifted Rand up into the air.
"The Dragon Reborn. Too unfortunate he won't get to fulfill his destiny after all." The coldness and hatred in her voice gave Siuan goosebumps.
Everything happened quickly after that. Moiriane jumped up again, gathering her last strength, trying to rescue Rand from the sword that was about to hit the boy. She jumped in front of him. The sword piercing through her instead. Right through the stomach. Moiriane gasped for air as
she fell to the ground.
Siuan screamed. So loud. But no one heard a thing. She screamed and screamed.
Desperate to help, to intervene, but unable to.
This couldn't be the end. It couldn't. This wasn't how things were supposed to go!
Rand was still unconscious. Unaware of what was happening around him.
Suddenly the strange man, who was most likely a forsaken, was behind him, pushed the boy to the floor, grabbed his shoulders and laughed. "Nice try. Next time, be better."
With a clean slate he cut his throat. Rands eyes flying open the second the blade slashed through his skin. His hands reached for the wound, desperately trying to close it.
But it was too late.
Rand fell to the moss covered ground. His face twisting in horror and pain. The knowledge of his certain death dooming upon him. It was over.
Blood spilled on the floor, drenching it in the red liquid. Rand tried to breathe, to get some air, but only ended up coughing up blood instead.
It was a horrific sight. Rand was dying right in front of her eyes and she had to watch. Moiraine had to watch.
She saw her lovers eyes fill with silent tears, a scream escaping her throat as her eyes found Rands.
Moiraine was thrown to the ground again. Broken and bruised. The sword and knives
still sticking in her flesh. But the physical pain was nothing compared to what she had to witness.
Their hope, their rescue. The person that was supposed to save the world was dying.
Right in front of her. And there wasn't anything she could do about it.
Moiraine tried to get up, she really did. But her limbs gave out. Lanfear and the man laughed. Mumbled something Siuan couldn't understand and viewed the scene with enjoyment.
They stood and watched the light in Rands eyes fade. More and more blood spilling on the floor. One last desperate, rattling breath. Then everything went silent.
The Dragon Reborn... was dead.
The two figures dressed in black waited for a few moments, soaking in the view before turning around and leaving.
"Enjoy your view... Moiraine." Lanfear spit out as her figure faded in the dense smoke.
Leaving behind a broken Moiraine and a dead Rand. For a few moments everything was quiet. Apart from the fighting noises in the background.
The only thing one could hear was Moiraines quiet whimpering. Her hands scratching the mossy ground trying to crawl over to Rand.
The person she had sacrificed her life for. The person that was now dead. In front of her.
After dying nearly the same way as her lover had.
Years ago.
"R- Rand?" Moiraine slowly pushed herself up, reaching for the boy. The sleeve of her dress slipped up, revealing a tattoo.
A tattoo like the ones Siuan had.
A tattoo they had wanted to get together after they were officially wed. Not just in secret.
But it had never come to that.
Siuans heart felt as if it was being ripped out of her chest. Slowly. Pulling and tugging
at her chest. Her pulse raced. Her face burned.
She wanted to die. Not that she could. She was already dead. But everything she had witnessed was too much to bear. It was too much. Too much.
Her whole body ached. Her head throbbed even harder than before and she had to force her eyes to stay open, even though she wished she could close them.
The scene layed out in front of her was horrifying and gruesome. It was something she had only ever seen in her nightmares.
But this was real.
This was life.
This was the future.
And Siuan couldn't do anything. Couldn't change anything.
She was supposed to be there. To support them. To support Moiraine. But she had failed. She had failed when they needed her most. And now the people she loved most had to pay the ultimate price. The world had to pay the ultimate price.
Siuans eyes burned as she watched her lover crawl toward Rand. One long agonizing movement after the other as she came closer. Tears rolling down her face.
Her blood soaked gown dragging across the ground.
This couldn't be the end. This wasn't how things were meant to be.
With the last of her strength Moiraine clung to Rands lifeless body. Screaming in agony. Then she fell. Her body collapsing. Quiet sobs filling the air.
It was done.
The Dragon Reborn, the one that was supposed to save them all, was dead.
Just like that.
It was over.
They had failed.
The person they had sacrificed everything for, ripped away from this life, way too soon. Everything they had worked towards, everything they had given up, it was all lost in this very moment. It was all for nothing.
"Nooo. No. No. Rand. No!" Moiriane wailed, crying over the boy, that had become almost a son for her.
She tried to find it in her to heal him. But even the attempt was of no use.
Rand was dead.
And there was no going back from here.
Moiriane fell down, hitting the floor. Unable to move. Her final strength leaving her as she drew her last breath.
Three words.
One meaning.
"I'm sorry... S-Siuan."
DARKNESS
Siuans body hit the ground with a loud thud.
She was alone again, lying on smooth, pale stone.
Her linen dress drenched in sweat, clung to her skin. The cold floor, uncomfortable beneath her.
Her breath hitched.
A thousand thoughts raced through her head, but Siuan just lay on the floor, her head buried in her shaking hands. Everything felt cold.
Uncomfortable but not threatening. Just cold.
Siuans heart raced in her chest. Her eyes flickered, trying to adjust to the bright fog
that spread around her. Untouched by time. Bright as the sun.
It hurt Siuans eyes to even look into the direction of the fog. The light burning in her teary eyes.
Her knees were shaking and the Aes Sedai was worried they were gonna give out the second she would attend to stand up.
Not that she could get up anyways.
Her head spun. The dizziness unbearable.
Everything turned. Around and around. The ground felt like it moved. Spinning faster and faster, making Siuan lose all sense of direction and control.
She couldn't think. Her head throbbed, the spinning sensation only getting worse. Her bones hurt. Aching to the point where it felt like they could crack at any second.
The bright fog drew closer and closer. Beautiful long clouds floating over the stone floor, dancing against the light. The contrast of the sight in front of her to the things she had just seen, heard, witnessed, so stark, it made Siuan lose her mind even more.
Siuan held her breath, trying, and failing, to calm herself. The coldness she felt spreading slowly through every inch of her body.
But it wasn't a coldness one would feel on a chilly winters day, the one that let you shiver and your teeth chatter. There was no bracing gust, no bite of frost across skin.
This cold was deeper. Heavier. A stillness that seeped into her bones.
The cold travelled slowly. It started at her finger tips and toes. Subtle at first. Then more. Up her arms, creeping up her legs. Inching toward her center. Siuans muscles grew stiff. Her heart slowing down. Her chest rose slower. Her pulse stuttered. Her nerves tingled.
What was happening to her?
Even though she didn't move, Siuans thoughts raced. Desperate to piece together what had happened, what she'd seen, what would happen in the future.
Her heart squeezed tight, as her memories came back.
The visions. The future. The doom.
The cold creeping closer and closer.
That's when she realized, with sudden, hollow dread, that it wasn't the hard floor beneath her that chilled her, nor the weight of her soaked dress clinging to her skin.
That chill wasn't from without.
It came from within.
It was her.
Her body.
Her real body, wherever it lay, cooling, stiffening. Letting go. She was dead. She was dying. Or rather, she had died, and now her soul lingered, still feeling the quiet echo of a body that no longer belonged to her.
And the cold?
It was simply the world forgetting she had ever been warm.
This is what it felt like. To die. To really die. To feel the warmth leave your body. To feel your bones growing cold and your body stiffening.
She truly was dying, and there wasn't anything anyone could do.
A small sob left Siuans lips. She had cried more in the aftermath of her death than she had in years.
It was all just too much. The reality of her failure and her end weighing heavy on her
shoulders. Pushing her down. Threatening to squash her.
Siuans hand slowly travelled up to her neck. Trying again to feel something. Anything.
Nothing.
But she could still feel it on the inside. Her last breath in her lungs. The sharp blade of the one
power at her throat. The pain. The excruciating pain.
It hadn't lasted long, but Siuan had still felt it.
And she would forever remember what it felt like. To have one's neck severed.
To know it would all be over in a mere second.
To stand there, surrounded by the people she was meant to trust most — her daughters, her sisters — facing the ultimate betrayal.
She still felt all of it. And she would always remember. Always.
Just like the feeling she was experiencing right now. The warmth leaving her body, slowly, mercilessly. Leaving nothing but a dead, broken corpse behind. A corpse full of memories. Of hopes and dreams, that would never come to fruition.
She was dead.
But that wasn't the worst part.
The worst part was that she had failed.
Not just the dragon reborn.
Not just Moiraine.
Not just the world.
She had failed.
She had failed when they needed her most. When Moiraine needed her most.
She had failed.
They each had had their part to play.
Hers had been to prepare the Tower for the Dragon Reborn and his quest. She had been supposed to save the world. To protect it. To do her part in helping the Light succeed. In this turning of the wheel and all the ones that followed or came before it.
But she had failed.
She had gambled with time, with trust, with love.
And she had lost.
She had tried to hold it all together. The Tower. The alliances. Rand. Moiraine. The prophecy. Always thinking she could outmaneuver fate, to turn things around, to achieve her goal.
But no amount of planning, no secret letters, no careful schemes had stopped what was coming.
She had tried everything. Everything. And still, it had ended like this. Still she had lost.
Moiraines life would end on a battlefield, while she would be forced to watch Rand die. The person they had both given everything for. The person they had dedicated their life to. He would die. In front of her eyes. While the Dark One and his army laughed.
It would all be lost.
And the worst part was, that Siuan was the reason they would fail. It was her. Her fault.
She failed the Tower. Failed Rand. Failed the love of her life.
And maybe worst of all...
She had failed herself.
Her mind couldn't shake the visions. The memories, flooding back, though she tried
to suppress them with all her might.
Pictures burning in her mind. Moiraine, weak, half dead. Her lover all alone, willing
— hoping — to die. Desperate for revenge.
The Tower turning against Rand. The Dark One growing in power. His forces rolling over the land, swallowing the light.
The last battle. The smoke. The screams.
Siuan felt like she couldn't breathe. The endless reminders of the future to come pulling at her heartstrings, aching, terrorizing her.
Her mind circling back to the hopeless expression on Moiraines face, the pure horror written in her features at the things she was witnessing. The things she was feeling.
And at the end: Moiraine was dead.
She would die.
She would die and Siuan couldn't do anything about it. If anything she was the reason for her lovers death. Waves of grief rushed over her. Hitting her, over and over. Forcing out the breath Siuan didn't know she had been holding. Shaking her to her core. Sobs escaping her throat. Tears welling up in her eyes.
She had failed.
Siuan sat there, for what felt like forever. Her head buried in her knees, her arms flung around herself.
Grief eating her from the inside out, as the chilling cold spread further and further, reaching closer and closer to her core.
The silence had returned, thicker than before.
Laced with Siuans desperate gasps for air. Her sobs. Her cries.
She was alone. Again.
Floating in fog.
Shaking.
Grieving the life lost. The one she would never have. The woman she would never see again. The fate she could have changed, but didn't.
Her failure sat heavy in her chest.
It pressed in, suffocating. As if the world itself was holding its breath, waiting for her to finally let go.
And maybe she would have.
But then, the cold shifted.
Siuan blinked.
And that's when she saw it.
The white, glowing fog started rising. Twirling through the air. Rising high above.
Siuans eyes followed the clouds, as they danced through the sky, forming dreamy patterns against the glowing backdrop. Connecting to others. Separating again.
The Aes Sedai marveled at the intricate play between the dynamics of pulling and joining.
The sight didn't seem dangerous at all. It felt peaceful. Calming. As if one would watch a flower petal float through the air, carried by a soft morning breeze. Moments passed.
The first moments of peace, of belonging, Siuan had felt for a long time.
Since the last time she had been with Moiraine.
Siuan wished the moment could last forever. Not wanting to remember her knowledge of the future. Yearning for a sense of normalcy, and an environment that didn't remind her of the horrors of reality.
But of course, nothing could last forever.
As quickly as the fog had started to rise, the clouds started fading again. Disappearing into thin air. As if they had never been there.
Siuan was already missing their presence, when something else caught her eye. The clouds had faded, to reveal two big, gleaming arches.
Glimmering faintly at first. Then brighter.
Glowing silver in the bright light, reflecting off the intricate details on the archways.
Siuan rose slowly. Her bones and muscles, stiff, cold, aching under the pressure. She truly felt like a living corpse. Her body growing even more tense as she stood in front of the arches.
The Aes Sedai's gaze transfixed on the black gooey wall that slowly spread inside both of the arches. Filling up even the last gap.
The black inside of the arches shimmered in the light, reflecting different colors, breaking the light.
It was unlike anything Siuan had ever seen before.
The stark contrast between black and white. The silver arches, glowing, seeming almost holy.
Siuan took a small step forward, and another. Her eyes never leaving the sight in front of her. After a few steps she stopped. Looking up and down the two big portals that had risen from nothing but mist and clouds.
There the arches stood. Mysterious. Majestic. An eerie sense of intrigue lingered in the air, wrapping itself around Siuan, weaving her into a sense of discomfort but also a feeling of returning to something long forgotten.
Something from a past life.
Something lost.
Siuans heart started racing, though she could not explain why. It seemed as if the arches were pulling her in. Calling her home. Asking her to step through them.
"You need to choose."
A dark hollow voice echoed through the glowing mist. Coming from every direction. Echoing through the clouds.
Siuans head snapped around, looking for the origin of the voice. But she couldn't see
anything. Nothing except the mist and the two big archways.
Had she imagined it? Was she truly going insane?
She wouldn't be surprised after what happened. After what she had seen. Especially given the circumstances.
Light, she was dead. She could feel the warmth slowly leaving her body. Yet, she was still here. Wherever here was.
"You need to choose."
The voice sounded again. Deep and dark. Full of wisdom and the knowledge of many
lives lived. A note of sorrow ringing with every word.
Siuans eyes travelled over the mist. Nothing. No sign of where the voice had come from. It seemed to originate from everywhere and nowhere at once.
A shiver spread over Siuans already cold skin.
"One arch, the left, is the bearer of rebirth. Of light. The opportunity to redo ones mistakes. To live the life one gave away. To undo the pattern. A chance to turn back the wheel. The other, the right, brings salvation. Peace. The afterlife. A place to rest, before the next turning of the wheel begins. Before time starts again. Before the wheel weaves and mankind begin again.
One arch for rebirth. The other for peace.
You need to choose."
Siuan's breath caught in her throat. The arches stood before her, silent sentinels in the mist.
Her eyes moved between them, slow, unblinking.
Choose.
That word echoed through her like a bell. Her heart beat once. Then again. Slower now.
The cold still clung to her skin, to her bones, but she hardly noticed. It wasn't the cold that unsettled her anymore. It was the weight. The unbearable truth of what stood before her.
A chance.
One more chance.
The visions came rushing through her head. One by one. Until they twisted and turned. Forming into a big whole.
One future. One truth.
She had watched Moiraine ravaged by the Finn. She'd felt her pain in the silence between sobs. Heard her voice call out into nothing, searching for something long lost.
Searching for her.
She had witnessed the Tower that should have stood as a beacon in the dark turn its back on the Dragon Reborn. On salvation. They fought the wrong battle. Against the wrong enemy.
Against the Light itself.
They had chosen this path the second they had decided to depose Siuan. To still her. To murder her in front of the Hall.
Siuan had seen Moiraine kill out of grief. Rage. Desperation. Not because she lost her purpose, though it very much looked like she had for a moment, but because she'd lost Siuan.
The love of her life
A life unlived.
A bond severed.
A future they were meant to share shattered by prophecy, by duty, by silence, by fear.
She felt it again now, that ache in her chest. That impossible yearning. Not just for Moiraine, though, Light, yes, for her most of all, but for the world. For what it could have been. What it should have been.
And then there it was again: the pull.
One arch held peace. The soft promise of rest. No more battles. No more burdens. No more ache for things too far gone. She could pass into the arms of the Pattern and become one with the turning, wait for another life, another chance... centuries from now.
But the other...
The other glowed with something fiercer. Wilder. Alive. It frightened her. Not because it meant pain. But because it meant hope. It meant remembering everything. Carrying it back. The weight of the visions. The pain of her death. The knowledge of what must change. Who must be stopped. Who must be saved.
Moiraine.
She could see her face now, clear as day, young and proud and so stubborn. That moment in the Blue quarters when they first imagined what their life would be like after the Aiel war.
Their oaths. Their love. Their future.
It wasn't gone. Not yet.
Not if she chose to fight for it.
But could she?
Could she bear that weight again?
Could she do it differently?
She took a step toward the arches, heart trembling. She remembered Moiraine's eyes as she burned those letters. The way her hands shook. The way her jaw clenched. The way her soul shattered with each one. The heartbreak written on her face, breaking Siuans heart in return.
And then she realized. No matter how painful, how hard it would be to live again, to see Moiraine again. To potentially lose her again. No matter how difficult all of it would be.
It would all be worth it, for one more moment with her.
For one chance to make things right. For one chance to change the pattern.
To change this turning of the wheel. To save the world. To save Moiraine.
Even, if she had to go through every hardship again, every loss, every pain. It wouldn't matter. Siuan knew the burden of another life, yet none of it would matter.
She would go through all of it again, if it just meant to see Moiraine again. To hold her again. To love her again.
"Put me back in it." Siuan whispered, breath catching. Another step forward. Her eyes locked onto the left arch now.
She wouldn't let it happen again.
Not the fall of the Tower. Not the betrayal of the Dragon. Not the death of the woman she loved with every thread of her being.
She could save them.
She had to try.
And so, Siuan took one more step.
The arch flared. The weaves of the pattern danced, unraveled. For a moment it felt as if time had stopped existing.
And she stepped through.
Back to the past.