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Hyeongjun-ah, are you the one for me, or am I the one for you? Or are we nothing at all?
I miss you, I miss the moments that we shared together when everything was fine. We can never be friends again, can we?
And yet here I am, sitting on the bed in my childhood room writing this to you because I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t know what to do with us anymore. What are we?
We don’t speak like we used to; I started to notice it when you stopped bringing me on your morning walks. You would leave the dorm before I could speak up and ask you to wait for me.
I sometimes think everything was in my head. Even after meeting each other for the first time and debuting together, there might've been signs I was just hallucinating all of them.
I notice everything about you, from the riffs you come up on the spot to your dialect to your misunderstandings. They replay in the back of my mind when I miss you.
It was the little things that always got me. The small smiles we exchanged before we performed, the brief glances during meals, a gentle pat on the shoulder after I made a mistake, a worried tone when I would get hurt from something stupid.
Why did you stop? Why did you draw a line between us when it wasn't there to begin with? Was it enough for you?
Your feelings for me drifted away, didn't they? I’m no idiot, I noticed. But my feelings never left. In fact, they still haven’t even after about two years. So what about me? You left me hanging after giving me so many hints, so were you just messing with me?
I still have so many questions and not a single way to get an answer. Maybe it's for the better.
I wish I could forget you, Hyeongjun. But we both know that's impossible, not only because of our careers, but because of our history together.
One of my biggest fears has been being forgotten and abandoned. And yet, this is how I feel at the moment.
Something died that day, didn't it? The day you kissed me on the balcony. You threw what we had at the wall to test if it would stick. I knew it was the last time when you looked at me with those soulless eyes. Did you think this was for the better?
The last time we looked at each other.
Will you ever forgive me? What did I even do wrong?
Maybe in another universe, we would be made for each other, that we were made to be together against all odds. But this is the wrong universe.
I try so hard to hate you, I really do. But I’m unable to do so and it’s all your fault. You must've cast a spell on me, as stupid as it sounds, but that’s the best way to describe this.
Han Hyeongjun, be honest. Will I always be your final pick? Or would you rather die than consider me to be a choice?
I think you got what you wanted, to mess with me all along. Is that who you really are?
I’m sorry. But the worst part is, I’m not saying it because I did something wrong. I don’t even know what I did wrong. I’m just saying it to please you. Maybe this is just another attempt to get you back.
Do whatever you want with this letter. Keep it, rip it, burn it, I don’t care anymore. I’ve lost all my faith to care.
I hope you hate me now so you can be comfortable.
I’ll let this story of ours go, because I’ll be ‘fine.’ But I won’t actually be ‘fine.’ It’s just my way to make things easier.
Kwak Jiseok.