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He could see himself falling.
Falling over and over again. Down from that stupid train, Steve’s hand always just inches away. So close and yet in the end, so far. Soon enough Bucky was in cold white snow.
When Bucky finally ripped through Bob’s shame room it only landed him in a worse room, the room where they would wipe his head. Fresh memories of old friendships, his sisters, anyone and anything that could have at least tied him back to his past. Gone. Stolen away for no other reason then he had been compromised.
After the whole saving Bob from the void with the power of friendship and group hugs happened, Bucky and the rest of the Thunderbolts (aka The New Avengers, Lawsuit impending)
find themselves sitting in the too clean, soulless living room. Having tea and sitting in uneasy silence.
“Have you talked to Sam yet?” Yelena pipped up.
Bucky knocked his head into the back of the couch, letting out an annoyed groan. Tangling his vibranium hand into his hair.
“No. he hasn’t been around his phone. Or- He’s just ignoring me. Which would make sense.” He grabs his phone that had gotten lost in the couch cushions.
Scrolling through his calling history to see all the times he called him.
“He’s just being a jerk.” John said. Ever the helpful John.
“Thank you John, I really needed your input” Bucky rolled his eyes.
John held up one of his hands in surrender while he drank his tea with his other one.
Yelena crossed her arms. “Arguing isn’t going to fix any of our problems right now you do realize that right?” Talking to both of them but focused more on John.
Bucky stands up abruptly causing his tea to splash ever so slightly.
“We’ve all had very long days. I’m going to head to bed before my head explodes. You guys should think about doing that too.”
Bucky trudges to Steve’s old room. Unlocking the door and walking in. Inside it was so utterly bare it made him slightly uneasy. The only things left behind were his old work out clothing and a sketchbook or two. He supposed Steve had not lived there very long. But even in the stale air of a room that had not been occupied in over 5 years, Bucky misses him. Missed him so much that his head spun. Or maybe that was just the exhaustion from the day.
He pulled at his boots and peeled out of his asphalt smelling clothing. Bucky stared at the floor, and yanked the blanket out from the bed, sat on the floor and pulled it over his body. Settling in for pitiful sleep.
He glared at the ceiling, so hard it warped in his vision. Stars dazzled in his eyes as he concentrated way too much on a small crack.
Bucky must have fallen asleep at some point in all his meaningless glaring because soon enough he wasn’t glaring at the ceiling. But rather at the blond's face as he plummeted down into the snowy Austrian Alps.
He sat up. Huffing, while clutching helplessly to his dog tags.
Slowly he crawled into the welcoming warmth of Steve’s bed. His head hitting the hard pillows. But nothing seemed to calm his mind. He turns to his side. Hearing nothing but the occasional snore from Alexei’s room. And the never ending ticking coming from the alarm clock on the nightstand.
He looked at the clock, red led lights glared back at him, reading 3:47.
Bucky reaches aimlessly to the side of the clock to get his phone.
He opens his phone and goes to his contacts. Swiping past all of his government contacts until he found one that read Sam.
He presses call. Ready to hear the usual, “This is Sam Wilson. I’m sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now. I’m probably out saving the world. Leave a message.” But his eyes widen as he hears.
“Buck?” A tired Sam answers.
“Sammy?” Buck replies breathless.
“Sorry I didn’t mean to wake you up.” Bucky apologizes feeling terrible that he even thought calling at this hour would be a good idea.
“Didn’t w-wake me up” Sam yawns.
“Why are you awake then?” Bucky furrowed his eyebrows.
“Mission report. We heroes don’t tend to have the perfect 9 to 5” He jokes.
“Anyway.” Sam shakes his head.
“Why’d you call?” He asks.
Bucky stares off into space again. Focusing his attention on his rising heart rate.
“Hello? Buck you still there?” Sam says, breaking him out of his spell.
“Sorry I’ve just been. Completely out of it.” Bucky cringes.
“Saw what happened in the city.” Sam says, his tone changes into a mixture of annoyance and worry.
“Can we maybe not talk about that on the phone?” Bucky rubbed at his forehead.
“We’re gonna have to at some point you know.”
“I know. It’s just too much to talk about when I can’t see your face”
“Next time then.” Sam said.
Bucky looked out the large window into the night sky. Like maybe if he stared long enough, the light pollution would give way, and he could see the stars.
“Sammy” Bucky whispered.
“I miss you.” He says.
Bucky hears a slight grunt from the other end.
“I miss you too Buck.” He replies.
“You okay though?” He asks right after.
“No. But I will be eventually.” He hiccups.
He hears the sound of a zipper being pulled up. The click of a door being shut. And then the call drops. Bucky looks down at the phone in his lap, as silent tears cascade down his face, catching in his long hair.
He turns on a lamp, and climbs out of bed. Rummaging through Steve’s old books. Books that had old binding. Holding on to old threads. Falling apart. Until he finds one that he remembers liking, and crawls back into the too big bed.
As he turns the pages, mindlessly letting the words spin around his head. Too tired to fully comprehend the story. And yet he still flipped the pages. Re reading most of the paragraphs a few times to maybe understand what was happening.
Just as he was about to set his book on the nightstand, to try to fall back asleep. He jolts out of bed to the soft sounds of knocking on his window.
His eyes widen as he sees Sam. Dressed in only his boots, an old pair of Bucky’s pajama pants, a compression shirt and his wings.
He slides out of bed fast, almost tripping on his pants laying on the floor on the way over to the window. Opening said window and pulling the man inside by his hand.
When Sam’s feet hit the ground, Bucky is all up in his face. “You fucking idiot!” He whisper shouts. Caring enough about the rest of his ragtag group to not wake them up.
“You could’ve gotten into an accident!” Bucky scowls. “You’re not even wearing the suit!” “You don’t have to come everytime I tell you I’m not doing well, which if you hadn’t noticed is a lot of the freaking time.”
“Buck.” Sam took his wings off. Tossing them into a chair nearby.
Bucky turns his face away from him. His hair falling down as he turned away.
“Buck, baby.” He holds out his arms. Not wanting to hold the shaking man without permission. Bucky didn’t turn around, just fell into the embrace. Sam’s arms wind around his waist tightly. He rests his head on Bucky’s shoulder.
“Bucky, talk to me” Bucky grunts. Placing his flesh hand on Sam's and gently tugging. Trying and failing to get out of the hug. He huffs, hanging his arms down.
“I'm not going anywhere, not until you're feeling at least better from whatever is making you like this. “ He tightens his arms around Bucky’s waist.
“They won't stop. Everytime I close my eyes I'm back there again. “ Bucky whispers frantically.
“What won't stop? Where do you go” Sam whispers.
“I close my eyes and it's ‘45 all over again. Steve's with me for all of 2 minutes and then I'm falling. Falling into the fucking snow again.” He shivers.
“Thought you weren't having those nightmares anymore?” Sam furrowed his eyebrows.
“I wasn't. Or at least I guess not as much as I used to?” Bucky mumbled.
“Did something happen?” Sam asked.
Bucky scoffed. Trying to turn around in Sam's arms.
When he was able to see his face again he started recalling his day.
“New York.” He started.
“When it went dark?” Sam asked.
Bucky nodded.
“One of my teammates? I guess” Bucky wandered off.
Making Sam glare.
“Don't look at me like that. Anyway, Bob. He's this kid with a lot of unresolved trauma. And he was basically a test subject for one of Val’s projects. I'm not explaining the rest right now, more so because I haven't had the time to go through it all. “
Sam nods.
“He's the reason the city went dark.” Bucky clarified.
Sam's eyes widened.
“I didn't meet him until Val got her hands on him again, but the rest of the team besides Alexei fought by his side to get out of this base I think. So basically after he went more crazy? There was this void that just consumed everything. And Yelena being the selfless person she can be walked straight into the void without knowing what it actually was.”
“When do you come into this story. “ Sam asked tiredly.
“Ok jeez you're the one who wanted to know. Anyway, so after Lena walked through it, Alexei kind of went bizurk and then we all went into the void.”
One of Sam's hands starts rubbing at Bucky’s exposed back.
“We called them shame rooms. That's what the void was.”
“Memories? No, not memories well kind of? But like you were in them as bystanders. And you couldn't stop them from playing out no matter what you did. Believe me I tried. It was like walking through the worst parts of your past.”
“And of course-” Bucky rolled his eyes.
“When we got out of the void, who's there waiting for us but Valentina Allegra de Fontaine.” Bucky sounded exasperated.
“We were gonna take her in. For her crimes, I was going to try to get her impeached.” Bucky shrugs.
“And then she announces us as “The New Avengers” Bucky air quotes.
“We were just standing there stupidly.” Bucky groans.
Sam shakes his head.
“So you didn't know then.” His whispers.
“Sam.” Bucky glared at him.
“Why on earth would I want to tarnish everything that they stood for. Have the team be under government control?”
Bucky falls forward into Sam's shoulder.
Sam's hands skate over where his metal arm connected to his scarred shoulder.
“I could never live up to any of them.” He whispers almost inaudibly.
“We already have a Steve wannabe. Who am I supposed to be? Stark? Ha. He's probably rolling in his grave.”
Sam's arm stills.
“Baby.” Sam whispers.
“You don't have to worry about that. Okay? Wherever they are right now. They're proud of you okay. Maybe more than others, but that's not the point.”
Bucky shakes his head, smearing something wet on Sam's shirt.
“Then why did they all have to leave?” Bucky’s voice broke.
Sam doesn't have the words. He just brings Bucky’s face off of his shoulder, and clears his hair out of his face.
Sam offers a smile. Looking up at him.
“Sometimes I wish I knew,” Sam whispers.
Bucky finally relaxes against his husband.
His face breaks into a small tired smile.
Bucky’s fingers twiddle with the bottom of Sam's shirt. Pulling and letting it snap back against his body. He slides the palm of his metal arm up the back of his shirt and just held him.
Sam yelps at the coldness of the arm.
“Jesus” Sam snorts out a laugh.
“Off.” Bucky grunts.
Sam raises an eyebrow but he pulls the shirt off and tosses it next to Bucky’s discarded clothing.
Bucky slides his arms around Sam's back and holds him tighter than he already had been.
“Better?” Sam jokingly asks.
Bucky nods, as Sam's arms circle around his waist again.
Sam pulls Bucky’s face down and kisses him.
He grunts into it. But kisses back until Sam had to break off for air.
Sam rests his forehead on Bucky’s, and closes his eyes.
“We should go to bed.” Sam whispers.
Bucky nods. Already peeling himself off of Sam.
He stalks over to the bed and moves the pillows around for two people.
Sam comes up behind him and litters kisses up his back. Until Bucky turns around in silent giggles.
“That tickles Stop. “ He laughs again.
Bucky pulls Sam in with him and he lands with an oof.
Sam wraps his arms around Bucky again.
“This is Steve's room isn't it.” Sam's voice wandered off.
Bucky stilled. Stopped breathing.
“Yeah” he huffed.
“He'd want you to use it.” Sam rests his head on Bucky’s shoulder.
Bucky nodded.
He pressed his back to Sam's chest impossibly closer. Wanting to be as close as humanly possible to him.
Sam squeezes at Bucky’s Hip.
“You're so warm.” Bucky mumbled.
“Really” Sam laughs.
“Mmm”
“I'm-” he yawns.
“I'm scared to fall asleep.”
“Darling.” Sam mumbled.
“Now you have me around.” Sam sighs.
“I won't let you fall, if you do I'll be here to catch you.”