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Our bodies, like our brains, are capable of storing memories. Aaron is painfully familiar with that universal medical knowledge - some things you remember physically. The body memory is not only connected to traumatic experiences; this is something he discovers one sunny May afternoon on the small wooden bridge between the sports pavilion and the village.
He's hot - sweating beneath his suit, and it has nothing to do with the sun or the temperature. A champagne bottle presses firmly against the muscles of his back, and a hand grabs his waist and pulls him closer. Aaron hardly registers this, though. For a moment, his mind is blank, unable to comprehend what is happening, but his body remembers.
There's a slight scratch now on Robert's face that is new. He now sports facial hair - Aaron wouldn't quite call it stubble - but the sensation of their lips brushing against each other feels the same.
He remembers Robert's taste and smell. Aaron knows that when he tilts his head to the side, Robert will suck in his bottom lip, deepening the kiss. Their mouths fit together like two pieces of a puzzle. Aaron knows that if he gently probes Robert's upper lip with his tongue, it will coax a pleased little noise from deep in Robert's throat. He knows that if he lifts his hands from Robert's arms to his neck and plays with those soft blond strands, it sends a shiver down Robert's spine. Aaron's body remembers the gentle brush of his fingertips over goosebumps, the feeling of another body lying next to him - endless warm, freckled skin and tickling hairs. Aaron recalls the freedom of being completely naked instead of constantly covering himself with a shirt like a shield. He remembers the burning sensation of rug burn on his back, swollen, spit-soaked lips caressing his chest and belly, leaving hickeys and marks that make his scars fade away. Aaron remembers holding hands and looking into each other's eyes as they move their sweaty bodies in sync.
Aaron's body remembers the joy of laughing until his stomach and cheeks hurt.
Loving someone as deeply as he loves Robert is both exhilarating and scary.
It consumes him completely, in both good and bad ways. Robert and him have seen each other at their lowest points, sharing tears, and they have celebrated the happiest moments of their lives together.
They have been through so much together.
Suddenly, it feels like 2015 again. Aaron finds himself in the garage with Robert, kissing between a pile of tires and the workbench, surrounded by the heavy scents of rubber, oil, and metal. He feels the passion, the electric spark, the arousal, and the thrilling fear of something forbidden - of getting caught.
It's 2016 again, and Aaron is emotionally overwhelmed, in desperate need of a drink, and Robert to reassure him that everything will be fine. And he did, but instead of using words, Robert used his mouth, pressing a hot, urgent kiss against Aaron's lips. A comforting, silent promise of a better future.
Except, life is never a smooth sail, and it's 2017, and Aaron has missed Robert so, so much after their break-up. He listened to his family and his therapist, and Aaron convinced himself it was the right thing to do for his mental health. However, his stupid heart aches with a fiery need for this man, and he never wants to be apart from Robert, ever. Aaron puts everything into that kiss while Adele sings in the background.
It's 2019, and this is the last kiss Aaron will share with Robert, though he doesn't know it at the time. He is ready to leave everything behind and start all over again. It’s going to be tough to miss Liv, Mum, Paddy, and Seb. Not being a dad to the little boy or having another Sugden-Dingle child is something he will mourn later. But he will find a way to cope, as long as he isn't losing Robert.
Sharing joy with someone you love is what makes life worth living.
His body remembers everything.
On a sunny May afternoon in 2025, their lips part, but they don’t move far apart. Robert lowers his head, and Aaron leans in until their foreheads touch. His hands gradually slide to Robert’s chest, resting right above his heart. He can feel it beating - fast and strong - and the rise and fall of Robert’s breathing, accompanied by the warmth of his breath on Aaron’s face.
Aaron needs his personal space; there aren’t many people he allows to get that close unless they’re sharing a kiss.
His fiancé is none of those exceptions.
Aaron squeezes his eyes shut until they start to hurt, trying to process everything.
He is supposed to get married today.
Aaron knows that what he feels for John may not compare to what he feels for Robert, but can't that also be a good thing? His relationship with Robert is intense, while John provides a sense of stability. It might not be as exciting, but they get along well and make a great team; everyone says so. John puts in the effort. Aaron knows he isn't easy to love - he's a messed-up guy with a lot of issues and emotional baggage. Still, John loves him. Shouldn’t Aaron try to make an effort, too? He owes John at least that much.
Just an hour ago, Aaron was ready to say 'I do' without a second thought, but then that blond demon showed up and turned Aaron's life upside down - again. It's like Robert has an undeniable magnetic pull that Aaron can’t escape.
As they stand there catching their breath, Robert's heartbeat starts to slow down.
Loving someone as deeply as he loves Robert is scary, because without that person, you can fall into a dark hole and experience a phantom pain, as if they took a part of you with them. And the truth is, Aaron is scared - he is absolutely terrified. He lost Robert once, and he can't go through that again. He knows he won't survive it a second time. Robert believes he's strong, but Aaron is not. Aaron isn't as brave as Robert, who freely risks his heart, playing an all-or-nothing game. It took Aaron everything he had to build that fragile peace of mind and accept a life where nothing can hurt him anymore. He has been hurt too many times, and it's enough.
His mind knows a truth.
His body knows another.