Work Text:
Summer was edging closer, second by second. The days were growing warmer, though the nights remained cool. Mu Qing stood by the window and listened to the long high trill of the cicadas sound out from the trees. The early evening had turned everything to soft blue, and the moon was already coming out and casting its silvery sheen into his small room. It was almost dark enough that the room should have been lit, but Mu Qing wanted to stay in the half light a bit longer.
Things had been going as well for Mu Qing as they could. In the short time since he began training at the Royal Holy Pavilion, he had progressed at a promising rate, even if his trainers were unwilling to admit it. Perhaps the other disciples were likewise unwilling to associate with him, but this was nothing new, and his new responsibilities kept him out of their way most of the time. Feng Xin was the most irritating person he had regular contact with, and he was confined to the infirmary for the rest of week while he recovered from spraining his ankle by falling down the stairs. Mu Qing felt only a little bit bad about it. He would have felt worse if Feng Xin realized it was his fault. Fortune had smiled on Mu Qing that day and one of the pavilion cats had come racing out of the bushes at the exact moment Mu Qing stuck his foot out. He hadn’t even needed to suggest to Feng Xin that he tripped over the cat, he had simply assumed, and had even red-facedly thanked Mu Qing for helping him hobble to the infirmary.
With Feng Xin unavailable, Mu Qing had unofficially taken over the role of Xie Lian’s bodyguard. Since this week happened to be a week with minimal activities scheduled, this meant that very little changed about his day-to-day activities, save for the lack of squabbling with Feng Xin, and the fact that Xie Lian had been spending his evenings in Mu Qing’s bedchamber. The very first evening had been spent with the three of them visiting Feng Xin in the infirmary. Feng Xin had leapt to his feet to mirror the new technique that Xie Lian described learning during training, and collapsed the second he put too much weight on his ankle. The healers kindly recommended no further visits until he was done recuperating.
Now, Xie Lian was laying on his back in Mu Qing’s bed with his head hanging over the side and his eyes closed. His long hair was hanging loose tonight. The sight of his royal locks pooling below him on the floor of his lowly servant quarters gave Mu Qing a secret thrill. Mu Qing had taken out the exquisite braids himself, one by one, while Xie Lian listed off the new weapons being commissioned for the armory and what each addition would improve over its existing counterparts. While Mu Qing never completely forgot that Xie Lian was the Crown Prince, the Center of the World, he did allow him for a moment to imagine a different life for them, one where they stood as equals, and Xie Lian’s hair was always unadorned and his robes remained simple.
A soft breeze blew in through the window, tousling Mu Qing’s shoulder length hair and carrying the sweet smell of the night blooming flowers that grew around the Royal Holy Pavilion. Xie Lian’s eyes opened. “Mu Qing, I have a question,” he said.
Mu Qing tilted his head in response. He didn’t have to say a word before Xie Lian continued, “You know, this path of purity that we both must follow for cultivation, I don’t think it makes sense.”
Something confused fluttered inside Mu Qing. “How so?”
“Well,” Xie Lian flipped himself over and propped his head up with his hands, “I just don’t see how meaningful it really is to swear yourself to a lifetime of abstaining from indulgence if you’ve never even experienced indulgence.”
“I thought that it was meaningful to dedicate ourselves to the path on its own,” Mu Qing frowned slightly. “We set our sights on things much higher.”
“That’s true,” Xie Lian agreed. “And yet, it feels incomplete somehow. For example, the conviction of a child who protests against a new vegetable without ever having tasted it: it simply can never be as strong as the child who has tried it and spit it out.”
“Perhaps, although I’ve observed some very creative ways that children get rid of food, regardless,” Mu Qing grinned.
Xie Lian’s laughter was a golden bell chiming in the twilight, “I suppose so. But I feel that this path would be better illuminated with more knowledge of its boundaries. Surely experiencing pleasure and rejecting it would lead to stronger conviction than simply rejecting it out of obedience to tradition.”
“By your logic, wouldn’t trying a forbidden experience and finding it dull and unpleasant lead to weaker conviction than blind obedience? Seems a risky idea.” Mu Qing’s expression was thoughtful, but curiosity kept his eyes trained on Xie Lian’s facial expressions.
“Very astute, Mu Qing! Well observed,” Xie Lian’s words were sincere, and they cut Mu Qing deeper than any taunt from Feng Xin or the other disciples ever did. You don’t have to patronize me, Mu Qing thought, but would never say, not to the crown prince who would never think to patronize anyone. “But if forbidden experiences were largely unpleasant, surely there would be no need to forbid them.”
“A reasonable assumption, your highness,” Mu Qing said, his eyes still locked onto Xie Lian. “What was your question then?”
“Ah, yes,” Xie Lian sat back and gestured for Mu Qing to join him on the bed. “Sit.”
Mu Qing obeyed without a word, although never before had he felt such a loss of control when following an order.
“Since you and I both have decided to walk this same path, perhaps it would be beneficial to us both to experience a bit of what we’re giving up,” Xie Lian said seriously.
Mu Qing could only nod, disbelief having not given way to understanding yet. “I’m not sure if I quite follow you. You are proposing, what? Exactly? You want me to bring you a girl who will show you everything you’re giving up?” Would you let me stay and watch or would you make me listen at the door? A silent voice whispered in Mu Qing’s mind. He silenced it. His heartbeat increased nonetheless.
“It won’t end well if anyone else knows that either of us were being- let’s call it- cavalier in our cultivation efforts,” Xie Lian’s cheeks were tinged with pink. “So, I think if you and I were to study the limits with each other, it would be safe. Neither one of us can tattle on the other without tattling on himself. We both understand what’s at stake, and what our purpose is. There shouldn’t be any misunderstandings either.”
“That would be prudent,” Mu Qing agreed slowly. It had not escaped his notice that Xie Lian had not actually asked him if he was interested and willing to take a potential hit to all the progress he had made. He had not yet decided if it mattered. The unfairness of it, the vulnerable position that Xie Lian had put him into, was no match for the fantasies that were beginning to unfold in Mu Qing’s mind. “It doesn’t bother you we’re both-?”
“Boys? It’s irrelevant,” Xie Lian waved his hand. “I’m not sure I would trust a girl with something this serious.”
Mu Qing nodded. Was this really happening? “What exactly did you have in mind?”
Xie Lian’s bright eyes shone back at Mu Qing in the fading light. His lower lip had hung slightly parted from his upper lip while he waited for Mu Qing to speak. He licked them both and answered, “Well, alcohol is too much of a variable, and leaves behind evidence we would have to deal with. I think the easiest thing for us to try out is something very simple. Like a kiss.”
Mu Qing’s own lips suddenly felt incredibly sensitive. Still, he nodded. “Right now?”
“Why not now?” Xie Lian asked. He was laughing again, although there was a new unfamiliar note to his voice, which had gone slightly higher in pitch.
There was an undeniable new feeling growing inside Mu Qing, almost like he was going to be sick; all the same anxiety but without the same displeasure. “Very well,” Mu Qing inclined his head and moved closer into a kneeling position. Xie Lian mirrored his movements until their knees brushed up against each other.
The bed creaked softly under their movements, and when they stilled only the sound of the cicadas outside reminded them that there was a world beyond the room. It was well into evening now, the blues of twilight had deepened more fully and the shadows were creeping out of the corners. Mu Qing thought about pausing to set a light and prolong the moment, but found that he was quite frozen to the spot.
In the dark, Xie Lian’s fair skin seemed to glow. He tilted his head up. Mu Qing felt a deep ache shooting out from the center of his chest. With a careful intake of breath, he leaned in slightly. Xie Lian met him in the middle and their lips pressed solidly against each other. Mu Qing withdrew promptly. Though the kiss had been brief, perfunctory at best, a wave of gooseflesh cascaded down his arms and across his thighs.
Xie Lian touched the tip of his fingers to his mouth and looked pensive. A few agonizing moments passed, the goosebumps on Mu Qing’s legs dispersed and the ache in his chest grew tight with trepidation. “Let me try again,” Xie Lian said at last.
Relief and embarrassment flooded through Mu Qing. Relief because the kiss had only awoken something deeper than curiosity and left him with no satisfaction, and embarrassment at not having met and answered all of Xie Lian’s desires and questions with his first inexperienced kiss. He nodded and leaned forward again. This time, Xie Lian placed his hand against the side of Mu Qing’s face, his thumb just outside the corner of Mu Qing’s lips. He gently pulled them closer together until the tips of their noses barely touched. Mu Qing found that he could not look into Xie Lian’s eyes from up so close, and dropped his gaze to his lips instead. There was a tiny mole at the very border of Xie Lian’s lips, almost imperceptibly small. In the long lingering moment before the next kiss, Mu Qing stared at it and wondered how he had never noticed it before.
When they connected this time, Mu Qing was more prepared for the sensation. He was not prepared for the way Xie Lian moved into the kiss and the curious touch of his teeth on Mu Qing’s lower lip. For a moment, Mu Qing drew back, not enough to break contact entirely, but enough to breathe in deeply, and try to regain some feeling of control. A new energy was growing out of the aching in his chest. It pushed at him from inside, seeking a way out, urging him to push Xie Lian down onto the bed and hold him in place with the weight of his body, to do whatever it took to make Xie Lian feel the way that Mu Qing felt now. And that simply would not do. That was simply unacceptable for him to even think.
Xie Lian, however, took the pause as an invitation to slide his hand down to one side of Mu Qing’s neck and trail a series of kisses down the other.
Mu Qing was sure his heart must have stuttered in its rhythm. He felt again the gentle nibble of Xie Lian’s inquisitive teeth, this time against the delicate skin above his collarbone. His head fell back involuntarily. It wasn’t fair. One kiss and Xie Lian had already figured out how to render Mu Qing immobile. Of course he was a natural and instant talent at this, like he was with everything else.
The bitter heat of that thought sparked Mu Qing’s natural hunger to learn and understand and excel. He snapped his head back down and put both hands on Xie Lian’s chest, forcing him back. The two of them locked eyes for a moment. Xie Lian’s eyebrows knitted together slightly in confusion and defiance. Then Mu Qing leaned forward, driving them both down, a bit more roughly than might have been appropriate. He heard Xie Lian’s breath catch in his throat and the sound of it fanned the growing fire inside him. Xie Lian’s perfect eyes had gone wide, his pupils blown gigantic in giddy surprise at Mu Qing’s sudden fervor. The room was very nearly all the way dark now, but there was still enough light for Mu Qing to take in the sight of the crown prince pinned between his knees in Mu Qing's own bed, with his long eyelashes and barely open mouth, and his arms up next to his head, vulnerable and unguarded.
Despite the tang of bitterness and competition, the sweetness of the moment, of Xie Lian’s sincere and open face, won Mu Qing over. He dipped his head slowly, watching Xie Lian’s chest rise and fall as he waited. Before he began the next kiss in earnest, he brushed his lips against Xie Lian’s and briefly pulled back to touch their foreheads together. Xie Lian sighed and lifted his arms to place one hand on the back of Mu Qing’s head and one beneath his arm and behind his shoulder. All Mu Qing had to do was tilt his head down again and fall into place.
This time, Mu Qing was ready to meet Xie Lian’s mouth when it opened to him. He tried nibbling at Xie Lian’s lower lip and was rewarded with an almost inaudible whimper. Any thought Mu Qing had of restraining himself vanished with the sound. He pressed himself to Xie Lian, feeling the solidness of his body beneath him, the warmth of their flesh separated by only a few layers of fabric. With a sigh, Xie Lian pulled Mu Qing down, crushing the length of their bodies together.
Mu Qing’s nose was shoved up so closely to Xie Lian’s face that it almost hurt. A moment later, he felt Xie Lian’s teeth on his lip again, biting down harder than before, and that unquestionably hurt. And it exhilarated him. He responded by mirroring the bite and sucking Xie Lian’s lower lip.
Xie Lian gasped and Mu Qing felt more of a want than he ever had in his life. Every point of contact between them felt hot and sure and not enough. The strange urgency of it was almost frightening. If he didn’t stop-
“I can’t-” Mu Qing said abruptly and pulled himself all the way back and off of Xie Lian, whose body seemed to cling to him like static as moved away. The air in the room felt different somehow, like it had galvanized into something irreversible. Reality and implication of what he had just done set it. With a desperate quickness, Mu Qing sprung from the bed and set about lighting the room.
When he turned back towards the bed, Xie Lian was sitting with his legs crossed and eyes closed, apparently already deep in meditation. Mu Qing likewise dropped to the floor and began chanting sutras in his mind, calming his spirit and quelling the urgency. For some time, they sat in the bright room, the sound of the cicadas covering the sounds of their breathing as it slowed to normal.
“Thank you for doing this with me, Mu Qing.” Xie Lian’s face was pleasant and his voice was sincere.
“Yes, your highness,” Mu Qing said softly. “I’m sorry if you wanted to continue for longer.”
“That’s alright, I’m sorry if I took it too far, I don’t want you to feel obligated to me about something like this," Xie Lian's forehead creased with concern.
It twisted something inside Mu Qing to hear those words. He did feel a bitterness about being chosen for this task, but the painful thing about it was that Mu Qing was sure that he meant it, and that if Mu Qing had protested at all, Xie Lian would never have brought it up again.
“It’s alright, your highness.” He hadn't been unwilling, after all. That had been why he had to stop. That was why he felt he couldn't stand another second alone together. “Is it time for me to escort you to your bedchambers?”
On the walk to the Xianle Palace, neither Xie Lian nor Mu Qing spoke. At the end of their trek, they bid each other short and simple goodnights, and did not meet each other’s eyes. Mu Qing walked back alone in the silence, chanting sutras in his mind all the way. When he had closed the door to his room, he put out all the lights and sat beside the window, gazing up at the pale moon, and wondering what it, in all of its permanence and distance, would make of what it had seen that night.