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Even as a kid, Kaoru didn't really get it.
Kojiro's older sister was getting married, and he and his family were invited to the reception. In fact, he and Kojiro were asked to be the flower boys.
Kojiro had been excited even before the marriage was confirmed. Every time his sister brought her partner around to the house, he'd peer at them curiously from over sofa cushions and behind door frames, the adorable inquisitiveness of a child amusing the grownups. His sister and her partner would suppress their laughter, pretending not to notice his poor attempts at stealth even as Kaoru’s unimpressed figure posed unhidden right beside him gave him entirely away (as if his own lack of subtlety wouldn't otherwise).
When the engagement was confirmed, Kojiro was eager to join in on the planning process, pitching ideas to his sister whenever he got the chance. A shame that the petting zoo he was adamant on did not get approved, but as consolation Kojiro got to hand pick the dessert bar menu.
It was also in one of Kojiro's sale's pitches that the role of flower boy was brought up.
“I’m telling you, nee-san, you absolutely need a water park at the wedding.”
Kojiro's sister sighs, half exasperated yet still persistently fond, “but Kojiro, most of our guests are gonna be grownups in fancy outfits that don't wanna get wet.”
“Well I never said it had to be big,” Kojiro rationalises. “Look, we can make a mini one and you know at least Kaoru and I will use it so then it's already guaranteed to be super worth it.”
His sister cannot help but laugh, “well I'm glad you seem to have thought it through,” she ruffles his hair fondly, pulling him closer into her embrace, “but… what if I told you I had other plans in mind for you and Kaoru?”
So, Kaoru finds himself in a neat little suit with a basket of sakura petals beside an ecstatic Kojiro on the day itself. He wasn't opposed to this; he was at most ambivalent. But when Kojiro came to him jumping up and down and nearly entirely incoherent save for the repeated refrain of “flower boy” on his lips, he thought he at least found something to be invested in.
In all honesty, Kaoru didn't even really understand the role of flower boy either. Did they really need kids to sprinkle flower petals all over the aisle? Doesn't that just mean more clean-up afterwards? It felt like unnecessary ceremony. Then again, the whole wedding felt a little unnecessary. So much fuss and so much planning for one night—and having to be all sentimental in front of so many people too. When Kojiro's sister teared up during her vows, Kaoru caught Kojiro sniffling beside him as well, entirely taken by the emotion of the moment.
It's just that Kojiro's sister had been with her partner for ages—Kaoru’s seen them around the house when he's been over for playdates so many times that it feels like a given. He didn't see how one big night was going to change that.
But Kojiro was having a blast, dragging Kaoru across the venue to play with the decorations and stuff themselves. Every now and then, He'd chance glances around to search for his sister, stealing a few glimpses of the newlywed couple with a look of awe and wonder in his eyes.
“You keep looking at them,” Kaoru says after Kojiro spends a little too long staring in one instance.
“What? What are you talking about?” Kojiro scrambles to cover himself, “I wasn't looking at anything, I just uh, got distracted!”
Kaoru huffs, “tsk, sure.”
Kojiro looks a little affronted, but he couldn't be bothered enough to keep arguing, returning his gaze incredibly unsubtly to the couple to admire their joy.
Or at least, that's what Kaoru assumes he's admiring. He never once cast his glance on the sea of people in the crowd of the celebrations. His eyes were always on Kojiro.
“Can you believe it? We graduate in like, three weeks.”
“Time passes,” Kaoru shrugs. “The real question is what the fuck we're gonna do after this now that Adam fucked right off on us.”
Kojiro softens, “come on now, you've seen your report card, you've got lots of options.”
“None that aren't incredibly boring though,” Kaoru sighs, punctuating his aggressive exhale with a frustrated kick of his feet, sinking further into the couch as he does.
Kojiro's hands find their way to him naturally, his arms shifting to make way for Kaoru's sliding body before draping themselves over Kaoru's shins, fingers settling to toy with the hem of his uniform trousers. “There’s no harm in waiting a little either, you could take a gap year and rest a little. I know I might.”
“And have my parents on my ass about a proper life path?”
“Dude, a gap year is so normal now. It ranks so low on the list of things unconventional post high school choices,” Kojiro says. “Like, I know Hashimoto-san is thinking of just blowing off uni for his girlfriend.”
Kaoru scoffs, attention latching eagerly onto the segue to get his mind off his future, “you don't think they're really gonna do it do you?”
“Why not?” Kojiro asks, and his voice is so innocent that Kaoru has to take a moment before responding.
“Uh, cause it's incredibly dumb?”
“Boo, you're so unromantic.”
“Well I don't know about you, but I think unemployment is hardly romantic.”
“Who says they're gonna be unemployed? They could totally just get some casual work at the local bookstore or something and get by together. You don't need much to enjoy yourself.”
Kaoru scoffs, “well I'd like a little more than just getting by.”
Kojiro hums, “and that's you. But I think Hashimoto-san and his girlfriend might be alright with that.”
“Well they can have fun then,” Kaoru waves. “I can't imagine planning a wedding while eloping is easy.”
“But it's gonna be so worth it,” Kojiro laughs gently, and the sound is beautifully bright. He looks down at his hands a little, fiddling with his fingers, before tilting his head back up at Kaoru. “Don’t you think?”
Kaoru huffs, it's not as if Kojiro isn't aware of what he thinks. “What I think is ‘what a big hassle’," he rolls his eyes, "a whole day where everyone has to look at me and some other idiot be gross together— not to mention all the planning and rehearsals. Sounds like a load of unnecessary stress to me."
Kojiro laughs again, and by god, Kaoru is not an easy man to sway but that sound alone makes him forget what exactly it is he's objecting to a little. "Yeah? Well I think it's pretty sweet." He can't keep the fondness out of his voice, the corners of his lips tugging insistently even as heat flared across the jut of his cheekbones over to the tips of his ears.
"Think about it: a whole day to celebrate you and some other idiot, and all your friends and family, the people you love the most, are there to watch and support you." Kojiro sighs, wistful as his voice grows soft. "Anyways, there are less flashy ways to do it too y'know?"
"Whatever." Kaoru huffs at him, unconvinced, "it's not like I can do it here anyways, and I'm not gonna throw a party on top of travelling." Kaoru's voice is light, but Kojiro frowns anyways, "I'd bet by the end of it, whatever idiot stuck with me would start to thoroughly regret his choice."
I wouldn't, Kojiro had thought immediately. I would never, he promises. Even though Kaoru had most certainly meant it as a joke—or, well, half a joke. Considering how truly prickly he can get when jet lagged.
"You can have fun when you finally decide to be an honest man and settle down though." Kaoru kicks his arm gently, but it aches like he'd pressed on a bruise instead.
It doesn't escape Kaoru, frighteningly perceptive at all the wrong times. "What?" He sits up on the couch, eyebrows furrowed despite his sharp tone.
"Uh," Kojiro fumbles, "I'm not— uh. I—"
"…Oh."
Mercifully, Kaoru makes his own conclusions. Just right enough to understand but not too accurate that Kojiro's years' worth of quiet pining would be compromised.
"My bad, I shouldn't have assumed," Kaoru amends before falling silent.
"...Well, then when it's your turn maybe you'll get to enjoy a trip too."
Kojiro chuckles, breaking the uncharacteristic tension in the air. "That doesn't matter to me. In the end, it's about the sentiment: two people promising forever to each other… everything else is just an added flair."
Kaoru looks at him, a gentle amusement finally easing his sharp features. “Ever the romantic. No wonder so many girls confess to you, I'm kinda starting to see why.”
“Oh yeah?” Kojiro half teases, careful not to let hope overtake. “Maybe you can be the next one—”
“Fuck off!” Kaoru tosses his slipper at him as they both break into peals of laughter. They fall off the couch as they play-fight, continuing the brawl on the ground with all the energy of youth.
“Huh? Are we sure the beach trip was today?” Kojiro flips through the itinerary plans, only to be once again proven wrong by the words written (in his own handwriting) on the now crumpled paper.
Kaoru smacks him aside the head, “did you plan your laundry wrongly? Don't tell me you'll have no shirt to wear to the museum visit—how many times have I told you to pack a few more clothing items on trips?”
“I could have sworn we planned the beach for a Friday though…” Kojiro mutters, but even in his confusion he doesn't forget to defend his honour. “And my laundry is planned fine, thank you very much. I think it's actually more important to travel light, unlike someone who's constantly running out of space in their luggage.”
“It’s called packing tightly. What if we want to bring back a fragile souvenir? You barely have enough clothes on your back, much less enough clothes to cushion anything glass or ceramic.”
“Yeah. So I don't buy anything glass or ceramic.”
Kaoru huffs, turning his nose up at Kojiro, “which is needlessly depriving yourself.”
“I make do,” Kojiro says dryly, rolling his eyes. “So are we going to the beach or would you rather just bicker for another eight hours in the hotel room?”
Kaoru weighs his choices: they definitely did have to get a move on if they wanted to catch the sunrise, but at the same time, he wasn't gonna let Kojiro successfully change the topic. “Nice try. Grab your bag but we are not done with this yet.”
“Fine, fine,” Kojiro slings his bag over his shoulder, briefly checking for his valuables before following behind a still rattling Kaoru.
—
They arrive at the beach just as the sun began poking out of the horizon, and while the sun warms up, Kojiro slathers sunscreen across a pampered Kaoru's skin.
They catch the summer fair that's happening at the beach these couple of weeks, eating the equivalent of breakfast brunch and lunch as they stroll through the stalls. Both of them accrue a couple of handmade souvenirs from the craftsmen manning stalls there, with Kojiro proudly brandishing a claw necklace that Kaoru had picked out for him, and Kaoru tucking away the delicately carved hairpin Kojiro had bought for him with a satisfied smile. As they walked into the games aisle, Kaoru made a passing comment about how ugly one of the stuffed toy rewards were, and Kojiro made it his mission to win it. By late afternoon, they left the carnival with Kojiro's head held high and Kaoru hiding not only embarrassment but also a small unwitting smile behind his hand.
They wind the day down with a walk by the beach. The sun is setting, leaving behind a refreshingly cool atmosphere. They stroll along the edge of the sea, snacks from the fair as their makeshift dinner. The ugly little creature Kojiro won for Kaoru hangs by its limp arm from Kaoru's grasp, swinging with every leisurely step they took.
This is… nice, Kaoru admits to himself. He finds himself wishing for more—more holidays, more good food, more of existing without thinking too much about it. He wanted to walk this carelessly on a beach, to grumble about getting his feet covered in wet sand, and to bicker about inconsequential things like the merits of packing light or packing thoroughly more than just once every half a year when their holidays coincide.
Kaoru's eyes dart to the space between them where their hands hang. A quiet thought makes itself known at the back of his mind. He looks away. He'd kept the urge at bay for more than a decade; he could hold it in for a little longer.
“Damn look at those two,” Kojiro whistles, the sharp sound breaks into his flurry of thoughts. “What a set up.”
Kaoru turned his attention to where Kojiro had gestured, grateful for the out. It was a couple doing an engagement shoot at the beach. True to Kojiro’s description, they were nothing if not prepared. Dressed in undeniably stunning garments with a whole camera crew following around their perimeter, they fought with the blazing sunset for attention on the otherwise peaceful beach.
The crystals adorning the bride’s dress stole the sun's dying light, snatching its command for their mistress. The diaphanous fabric of the gown floated about the bride, reaching out to the groom, enveloping them both in a hazy dream. While the groom's jet black suit cut against the horizon, cleanly tailored fabric carving out the peripheries of their little world, outlining a silhouette for their entourage to trace.
Even so, amidst the glamour and spectacle, what drew Kaoru in was the laughter ringing in the air.
The splendour of the bride's dress was nothing but a distraction to keep outsiders from intruding, and the clean cut of the groom's suit did more than just outline the boundary of their world, it enforced it too. Kaoru had somehow stumbled past that boundary though, clumsily finding himself in the bliss meant to be shared by the couple alone.
Kaoru means to take his eyes away like the polite man he is, but his gaze lingers more than he had intended. He's a man of principle. His stance on weddings hasn't changed since he was in kindergarten—and this instance has only given him more to fuel his conviction. Just look at the couple—the camera crew following them around must have cost an absolute fortune to hire. And not to mention the technical considerations of the whole process—it is not easy to do an artistic shoot, the behind the scenes are often way uglier than people believe. Their outfits, too—of course, they looked great, but it probably took hours to pick these out and even longer to style. One look at the bride’s ornate hairstyle and he could tell it would take at least two hours to do up.
So no, Kaoru hasn't changed his mind about weddings. But it wasn't the wedding he was coveting at this moment anyway.
“Kaoru?”
“…What a hassle,” Kaoru drawls.
“Oh come on dude, they pulled out all the stops for this,” Kojiro protests, a laugh on his lips.
“And that's precisely why it's a hassle.” Kaoru cannot help the smile that seeps into his voice, led along by Kojiro’s infectious joy.
Kojiro barks out a laugh, the sound riding the wind out to sea, “whatever man, you're such a killjoy. Come on, the sunset’s nicer from the pier.”
Kojiro grabs Kaoru's hand, pulling him along as if they were kids again. In the immediacy of the moment, Kaoru goes along.
“I thought I'd find you here,” Kojiro says. “You know how hard it was to catch up to that souped-up motorbike of yours?”
Kaoru scoffs, “I don't recall asking you to follow anyways.” His tone is biting, but all the same, he angles himself to Kojiro, shifting to offer him space by his side on the rusty old railing.
Kojiro leans on it with a dull creak, shedding his blazer and loosening his tie. “So,” he starts, half exasperated and half anticipatory, “how'd you like that speech?”
Kaoru groans, far louder than is advisable for the time, but their surroundings are forgiving, the forested mountainside cushioning his voice, and the ocean breeze carrying his frustration away from any crowds. “Does he hear himself?? ‘I’ve always taken romance seriously’, ‘my lover, the most important person in my life, he means the world to me’—suck my dick dude! He's so full of it!” Kaoru kicks the rusty railing, a plate of old metal falls from the force, taking with it a shower of rust.
“It’s Adam, nothing’s new with him,” Kojiro sighs. “I’m just honestly surprised he found someone willing to take it.”
“I’d feel bad for him but it seems like it'd be wasted. You saw how much he was enjoying the whole process.”
“I mean, I think Tadashi-kun is at least good for Adam.”
“Yeah if Adam’s bad influence doesn't win out.”
Kojiro chuckles, “unforgiving.”
“Yeah? Well it's what he deserves,” Kaoru huffs, but he quiets a little. His leg continues to kick restlessly at the railing, but its force has retreated, cautious not to dismantle it entirely lest they end up with nothing to lean against.
Kaoru groans again as his leg slows down, sinking his head into his hands as the neat bun he had put his hair into starts to come apart. The wind teases strands of hair from between Kaoru's fingers, the ambient sound of rustling leaves and whistling air returning to fill the space as the echoes of his groan die out. Kojiro says nothing, watching him quietly from the side.
Kaoru collects himself, propping himself up on the railing with a sigh. He runs his hand through his hair, tugging at it to keep the bun tight enough to not come fully apart.
“Kojiro,” he says quietly. “What changed?”
It's such a broad question, it could refer to so many things with all that they've been through together, but Kojiro knows just what he's referring to.
“We grew up, Kaoru.”
Kaoru scoffs, kicking the railing listlessly, “that’s such a cop out answer. We all grew up but look at us, we turned out fine! Why’d he have to turn out like—like that?”
Kojiro can't help but laugh, for all Adam's hurt them both, there's still some humour to be had in the comedically elaborate coping mechanisms he's turned to. “Sorry we can't all be mister well-adjusted here, which I know you are famously known for being.”
“Oh fuck off, just look at the standard Adam's set, everyone is well adjusted when he's your bar,” Kaoru's legs make a detour this time to kick the back of Kojiro's knees, energy suddenly returning to them.
“Hey!” Kojiro stumbles, grabbing onto the railings as they dissolve into laughter, “that was foul play!”
“I’m just making use of important knowledge about weaknesses, nothing unfair there,” Kaoru harrumphs, turning his nose up at Kojiro.
“I’m gonna be the bigger person this time round, because I can tell that princess is sad today,” Kojiro teases as he regains balance.
“You can suck my dick too,” Kaoru spits. “You’ll have to sort out who goes first with Adam though, I'm not handling that.”
Kojiro laughs, and it seems Kaoru's expression was easing a little as well. They settle a little more against the railings, making themselves more, or rather as comfortable as one can get on 40-year-old railings threatening to disintegrate at any moment. Kaoru shifts, pillowing his head on his arms as he turns to face Kojiro. He shifts his gaze away.
“I can't believe it's been 13 years since we graduated,” Kaoru speaks to the floor by Kojiro's shiny leather shoes.
“Time passes,” Kojiro says, looking straight at Kaoru.
“This isn't what I thought would happen at all.”
“But that's not all bad is it?”
“Of course not,” Kaoru shifts, propping his chin on his arms to look out at the ocean. “But I just, how do I deal with it if it's nothing I was able to plan for?”
Kojiro looks at Kaoru, and he sees a glimpse of the whiny preteen and lost teenager he'd known years ago. Versions of Kaoru that had long been overridden by the capable and in-control adult. He imagines Kaoru thinks this a sign of weakness, but for Kojiro, it's unequivocally nostalgic. For a dangerous moment, it makes him want to reach a hand out to tuck Kaoru's loose hair behind his ear. He turns his gaze to the sea instead.
“…Y’know, I’ve thought about growing up countless times,” Kojiro says. “I had a million possibilities in my head, but I never thought it'd feel like—like this.”
Kaoru stares at him. In that moment, Kojiro was just as guilty as he ever was of being painfully vague. But more than he had ever before, Kaoru gets him.
They've known each other since they were kids with all the innocence, awkwardness, and hope of youth. They'd spent countless hours wondering what getting to the other side of growing up would be like—feel like. And true to Kojiro's words, neither of them had gotten close in their speculation.
“You get what I mean, right?” Kojiro turns to him, and Kaoru properly sees Kojiro for the first time in years.
In many ways, he's stayed endearingly the same: his voice holds the same steady cadence—firm, but kind; his downturned eyes continue to soften his otherwise strong presence, his gaze always a welcoming invitation; and his warmth remains, a gentle heat always radiating from his person. A source of familiarity as everything around them changed.
But time leaves no one behind. Obviously, Kojiro's gotten much stronger than his high school and early university self, but more than that—honestly, perhaps in spite of that—he looks… tired. There are new bags under his eyes when he smiles, and the skin that crinkles as he does has left the beginnings of its faintest shadow on his face. Kojiro no longer has that reckless edge of youth, his actions far more measured than his teenage clumsiness and impulsivity would have suggested. And he's always been tempered, emotions far steadier than Kaoru’s short fuse, but now his patience carries with it a fatigue that underlies his tolerance.
“Yeah,” Kaoru says. “I do.”
“You…” Kojiro lets out a gentle breath. “We. We're still here,” he says, “at the same old pier, by the same old railings,” Kojiro listlessly kicks the bars he's leaning on, adding to the damage Kaoru has accrued up till this point. “But these things creak louder than they did before and leave more rust on your clothes, and as for us,” Kojiro smiles, but it's bittersweet in spite of everything that's changed for the better. “I think neither of us needs it spelled out, yeah?”
Kaoru's never felt the need to continue a conversation or fill the silence, but he opens his mouth now, only to find himself at a helpless loss for words. He sighs, turning to lean his back on the railing instead, nudging closer to Kojiro as he does.
Kojiro huffs a little too knowingly, angling his body to face Kaoru, “nice try, but even you've changed.”
“Oh yeah?”
“Yeah,” Kojiro laughs. “I don't see those piercings anymore do I?”
“Fair, but I keep the spirit of those piercings with me.”
“Oh fuck off, four-eyes,” Kojiro can't help but snort. “You’d never be caught dead in a stuffy yukata in high school.”
“And you blushed like a virgin when I walked in on you shirtless,” Kaoru harks. “Look at you now.”
“Touché,” Kojiro concedes with an indulging smile, but his disposition quiets. “Look at us now indeed.”
They let the echoes of their voices in the dead night dissipate once again, the sea breeze slowly picking up as they did like it were moving to take their place. Wordlessly, Kojiro offers the blazer draped across his arm, and Kaoru takes it, shrugging it loosely over his shoulders.
“I’ll give you a ride back,” Kaoru says.
“You better,” Kojiro smiles.
It happened almost incidentally, but a few months after Adam’s wedding, Kaoru found himself living with Kojiro.
Kaoru almost hasn’t fully processed it, but he thinks it started with him hearing Kojiro complaining about the rising cost of living. Then it somehow snowballed into discussions about finances and collaboration. And a bunch of haphazard calculations and scribbled notes later, here they were, cohabiting in Kaoru’s place with the lease for Kojiro’s rental unrenewed.
It was for the better anyways, Kojiro had to deal with rent for Sia La Luce already, and the landlord for his apartment had written up a terrible contract for the renewal. But Kaoru’s still struggling to wrap his mind around the development that, if his memory serves, he initiated.
Kojiro had initially been taken aback too: when Kaoru had offered for him to move in, he had stared at him for a solid five minutes, mouth rudely agape and brows unfairly furrowed. After Kaoru’s patience had run out, he had flicked Kojiro’s forehead and threatened to rescind his offer, only for Kojiro to jump to accept.
“No takesies backsies pinky,” Kojiro had cut in, and Kaoru had rolled his eyes, but he indeed did not take his offer back.
…Which is why he has a shirtless Kojiro coming out of his room right now, sluggishly dragging himself into the kitchen to fix himself a late-night snack. It’s a rare few days of break for the two of them, where neither S nor their daily responsibilities beg for them. Kojiro was giving himself a few cheat days, and Kaoru has been trying (and failing) to use this opportunity to better his sleep schedule.
Kaoru thought he’d be fed up by now. He thought that the little habits he knew Kojiro to have would grate on him when experienced at such close proximity and at such high frequency. He thought Kojiro’s packed early mornings would mess with his sleep, he thought Kojiro’s habit of singing in the shower would annoy him, he thought Kojiro’s at home weights would turn into an eyesore. And yet, Kojiro has been mindful. Kaoru never wakes to the hubbub of Kojiro’s morning routine, Kojiro’s voice isn’t as loud as he recalls it to be on their shared trips, and he sees no trace of Kojiro’s weights beyond the boundaries of the guest room Kojiro has made his own.
“I can see your brain spinning,” Kojiro teases as he sinks into the couch beside Kaoru.
“Something you should learn from,” Kaoru rebuts.
Kojiro rolls his eyes, leaning into Kaoru’s personal space. “Want some? I made a little too much.” Kojiro offers his overfilled plate of carbonara with an extra fork in hand, and Kaoru helps himself.
“Damn carbonara before bed? You’re really serious about taking advantage of this cheat day.”
“What can I say? I’m disciplined in everything I undertake.” Kojiro says, putting on an air of mock pride about him. Kaoru laughs, and Kojiro’s gaze lingers.
“What is it?” Kaoru asks, the weight of Kojiro's attention sinking into the crevices in his skull. Kojiro is silent for a bit, his gaze drifts before he huffs, shaking his head.
“It’s nothing,” he smiles to himself, a hand coming up to hide it from Kaoru before he stops it halfway. There's a small pause, barely noticeable, where Kojiro steels himself, turning finally to Kaoru to unabashedly share his fondness. “I just think this is nice.”
Kaoru’s not given much time to react to that before Kojiro dives into his supper as if he'd only been discussing the weather before. Kaoru should be thinking through the implications of his words; he should be trying to deduce what exactly Kojiro means by that, he should be thinking of something that could be used to rebuke him or at least pick up the conversation. At the very least, if he wasn't capable of higher order processes, he should be doing something about the delicious plate of pasta before him right now.
But all Kaoru manages at the moment is the thought that yes, this really is quite nice indeed.