Chapter Text
Harry was about to freeze his fingers off. If only Louis hadn’t decided to give doing laundry a go, shrinking his gloves to baby mittens, he wouldn’t have to be out shopping for a pair of gloves of all things, way too early in the morning in the brutal London cold. He had a thick dark green scarf that came up till his nose wrapped around his neck keeping him warm and hiding him from prying eyes. His curls peeked out from underneath a baby blue beanie. Thankfully these had escaped Louis’ Laundry Massacre. The shop was pretty much empty except for staff setting it up for the rest of the day. His eyes kept drifting to a pale pink one with wildflowers embroidered at the edges up until just shy of the fingers. Sighing internally, he picked up plain black ones which were much less noticeable and way more boring. Harry was walking back thinking of heading to the bakery on the way back home and getting those croissants that Louis loved and hot chocolate, when he stopped dead in his tracks.
In the display of a luxury fashion outlet across the street, the most beautiful dress he’d ever seen. The red standing out amidst the grey of London’s winter. Harry loved bold colours but he seemed to be drawn to this far more than just the stunning colour. The sheer sleeves had ruffled trims. The bodice was made of intricate red lace and a neck that would highlight the clavicle. Several layers of the same sheer material flowed down from the waist to just above the knees. He didn’t know how long he’d been standing there awestruck until his phone rang breaking him out of the daze. The screen read ‘Boobear <3’. “Hazzaaaa I am cold, where you are you?” Louis whined as soon as he answered, his voice still thick with sleep. “Baby we have centralised heating and I left you a note.” Harry replied rolling his eyes but still endeared by his theatre kid boyfriend. “Not enough, need cuddles, need you” Louis whispered almost drifting back to sleep. His heart did a loopity loop at Louis sleepy, needy voice and with one last glance at the dress Harry was striding back home to his lover.
***
“So, Niall was telling me the other day about……” louis had been rambling for a good five minutes before he realised Harry wasn’t listening to him at all. “…. how he was blackmailed by a fan with the audio of him wanking…out loud.” he continued with a neutral tone, testing Harry. He was just nodding away, completely distracted. Louis sighed and looked down at what Harry was staring down at from their balcony in Princess Park. There was nothing out of the ordinary. He just saw a lady in a white, flowy, sun dress walking away. The fabric swaying gently with the light summer breeze like wispy cirrus clouds floating across the sky. Louis looked back up at Harry and he seemed almost enchanted by that ...lady. “No way” Louis thought, he was reading into it too much.
“Harry you twat!!!” Louis yelled. That finally seem to get Harry to look up. “Harry what’s got you so enchanted down there. While your hot boyfriend is sitting half naked in front of you.” At that Harry’s eyes were back on him taking in the sight of Louis in just red sweatpants. His eyes scanning Louis from his dishevelled bed hair, his lips in an endearing pout, to the naked torso and that sinful waist. Louis rolled his eyes “I just told you that a fan recorded Niall wanking…” Louis was cut off by “wait WHAT…. really.” Louis smirked and continued “yeah he had to talk to modest to get the tape deleted.” “He should have been more discreet and careful” Harry said voice laced with genuine concern.
“NOOO, YOU IDIOT, I was messing with you. What were you even ogling at? There was nothing there.” After a pause, with a much smaller voice he added “were you looking at that lady.” Harry looked almost nervous and then confused. “WHAT…. baby no. I was just a little lost.” Harry reassured. His eyes sincere and full of love comforted Louis more than words would ever do, but there’s still a hint of pain in his boyfriend’s voice which he couldn’t quite place. But before his thoughts began to race and he could start overthinking Harry was walking towards him, licking his lips and eyes dark which got his blood racing instead. “Besides you know very well that’s not my taste.” Harry’s hands now resting on Louis’ knees as he leaned in to kiss him. “I got me an appetite, just for you” he whispered against his ears voice laced with want, as his hands moved higher. His lips going everywhere as he sank to his knees. Oh, How the tables had turned.
***
So, it’s become a thing now, Harry is just curious (he’s actually obsessed). He found the dress on the brand’s website the very same day after coming back home. It was his guilty pleasure, memorising the detail on every strand, every other minute he knew Louis wasn’t around. He tried to convince himself that he liked it as a gift for someone else, but the thought that someone, even someone close to him wearing it makes him feel a tad bit weird. Harry would rather tongue-kiss a girl than accept it’s jealousy. He can’t keep reassuring himself that it’s just appreciation for the artistry of it all when he knows he likes sweet heart necklines more than the straight across and he hates cap sleeves on dresses. The Red Dress remains tucked away safely in his bookmarks so he can visit the site whenever his heart felt like it.
Raindrops pattered against the window. Beyond the drops that collected and flowed down the glass the sky was grey and heavily overcast. Harry hated that Louis wasn’t here to cuddle him. He was all snuggled up on the couch under Louis’ blue blanket. It was one of the several ways both of them found comfort in the absence of each other. Harry remembers walking in to find his boyfriend cuddling his matching pink blanket curled up on the couch. But Louis would never agree to it, he always said “I did no such thing Harry” while blushing and hiding away nuzzling Harry’s neck.
When the key clicked and he heard Louis drop his keys, he panicked. Louis wasn’t supposed to be home already. He hastily tries to bookmark and close all the online shopping websites he had opened with runway and summer dress collections he’d wanted to check out cause he’s obviously just curious. “H, I am back, where are you?” Louis was screaming through the hall way. “Do you want some tea…… Love are you alright, you look ill baby?” Harry’s cheeks were coloured red and he almost slammed his laptop shut. He was already rushing to check Harry’s temperature. His hands went to his forehead which had a sheen of sweat coating it “Lou I’m fine, it’s a little too warm in here that’s all.” He took Louis’ hand with his own bringing it to his lips and gently placed a kiss on the inside of his palm. The urgency from before ebbing away from both of them. “Come on let’s go out to the balcony, some fresh air could help you with heat, I’ll make you those sangrias you love” "Sangrias with the rain? LOU !!!!" but Louis was already tugging on their joined hands dragging Harry along. He was sure now that Harry was physically alright but mentally something must still be bothering him. He knew his boyfriend wouldn’t hide anything from him on purpose but he couldn’t help worrying about why he had shut his laptop abruptly like that while he made them their drunks. “Harry has our sex life become boring?” Harry almost spit his sangria. “BABY WHAT” They were lounging around enjoying the brief summer breeze, the rain having died down into a cool breezy weather. Harry had been relived about Louis not pushing earlier. “Were you watching porno. When I came back you slammed your laptop shut like you were hiding something”
“Louis!!! I literally sucked you off right here, where any of our neighbours could have seen us this morning. I think our sex is pretty good babe, Do I have to remind you of how loud you were or how I got off from just that” Harry was smirking into his glass, looking up from his hooded eyes while he sipped his drink. Louis was on the edge of his seat, he gulped, breathless like all the oxygen in the air had just vanished. “Then why…why’d you do that?” stringing word was getting harder. Harry and his cursed, nope scratch that heavenly filthy mouth. The boldness from just a minute ago vanished, he looked tense. Harry’s voice was much softer when he spoke. “Cause I missed you and was just too excited when you came home. Missed you so much Lou” he was steadfastly staring down at his lap. His fingernail digging into the edge of his thumb. “Aww, come here love”, Harry crashed into Louis spread arms.
Louis wasn’t convinced. His boyfriend was wonderful in every aspect but he was a terrible liar. He knew deep down that the love of his life was struggling with something he couldn’t understand yet and he could do nothing to ease the pain. That feeling of helplessness always hurt. But he would always give Harry space and hold him when he needs him until he was ready to share. He could feel tears on his chest and pulled Harry even closer. Harry was curling into Louis his head tucked into Louis neck. It wasn’t a lie he did miss Louis, he always missed Louis. He still regretted hiding the truth though. But what would he even tell him when he doesn’t know what he’s doing himself. He didn’t understand the burning desire for something he’s not supposed to want. He can’t keep ignoring all of the question in his head for too long but he was scared of the answers. He's scared of drowning while the rising tides consume the land, barely a strip of sand left.
***
He shouldn’t be doing this. It’s the point of no return. He doesn’t know if he’s being guided by the devil or the angel but whatever voice is ringing in his head is screaming at him to do it. Harry could no longer ignore it anymore. He had drowned the whispers with whiskey and wine. Louis was not oblivious to any of it. He was eternally grateful for Louis for holding him through everything. Every time he was sure that Louis had had enough with him and his patience would run out. Louis just held him tighter, pulled him closer and kissed him harder calming the storm raging in his head like the most delicate rainbow shining through. A ray of hope in the overcast grey.
And this whatever he’s doing right now endangered that sole light sustaining him. This innocent, pretty garment felt like it held the weight of the world. It was a pale pink sundress with dainty daisies printed on it, thin straps that held it up. Gemma had left it behind when she had stayed over to watch trash tv and too sweet caramel popcorn after their monthly sibling shopping spree. Louis had carefully folded and placed it on their bedside table. He lifted it up fingers trembling. His thumb tracing one of the daisies gently. He let go allowing it to flow down to its full length. It was mid length with an A-line silhouette.
With hesitant steps he edged towards the dresser mirror. Shivers ran down his spine as held the straps to his shoulders. He had his eyes snapped shut. He shouldn’t be doing it. This was wrong. But still nothing felt more right. He opened eyes still avoiding the image in the mirror at all costs steadfastly starring at the floor. The gentle autumn breeze caused the hem of the dress to flow into his view. His gaze flitted to his reflection. The dress was stood out against the black t-shirt he had on. His boxers were hidden by the dress making his lower half look like he was actually wearing the dress. He couldn’t help but imagine how he would look with the strap resting on his skin and if he actually wore it properly hoping the image would end whatever this was.
Harry had never let himself get here before. As the image of the pink strap nestled against his shoulders, right next to where his clavicles ended, the top stretched across his chest accentuating the way the curves dipped to his waist, the skirt of it both hiding and showing off his hips at just the right places and the hemline would gently dance to the wind just below his knee occasionally grazing his legs. He threw it away looking at the dress with anguish, he snapped his head away. He loved the thought of himself in a dress and that shook him to the very core of his existence. Harry sank to the floor, lips quivering as tears rolled down his eyes. His knees were pulled together to his front, his face hidden against. He didn’t feel anything except the turmoil in his head like a ship in a storm being thrashed by waves. Until he was being pulled into his chest, the rhythm of his heart anchored him to reality. He was scooping him up into his arms. Lips pressed to his forehead. Louis held him until the storms settled, but would he still hold him, would he still have him, would he still love him if he knew. Harry shivered beneath Louis hands hiding against Louis heart to numb his fears. Louis could only pull him closer.
***
No amount of makeup would cover the exhaustion on his face. Countless hours of recording and promo for their single has taken a toll on all of them. They’re doing really good on their debut so it’s all worth it in the end. But endless, restless nights are starting to get to him. He’s trying to hold the façade of sanity for the interview until he’s back home, in his arms where none of these matters. Louis is still trying to comfort him. He can’t help but wonder how lucky he is for Louis to have walked into The Bathroom. It has been mere few months since then and he’s already so in love with the boy sitting next to him. It might be the only think holding him together now through this, the glare at their legs hooked together. Louis moves his leg away and Harry just wants to pull him right back there. Even that inconspicuous source of comfort taken away from him.
Fan questions were always fun. He could use the distraction right now. This was way better than interviewers pestering them with questions about “supposed” girlfriends and female celebrity crushes UGGHHHH. He’s reading out the next question, faintly distracted by Louis scooting closer under the pretence of having a better look at the question. “Do you think your fashion sense changed since becoming famous?” good question. “I definitely disagree with that I believe we have all retained are individual little things that we had” Louis began. The discourse was effective, tuning out the restlessness raging in his head. Obviously, you can’t out do Zayn when it comes to experimenting with fashion. His god like face structure could pull off even the tackiest of clothes but he had to admit that his recent fits felt thoughtful. “…one day he’s wearing boots and jeans and the next chinos and trainers...”
“And a dress”
“I haven’t seen you in a dress before…hmmm”
Louis’ hand came up to wrap around his shoulder, pulling him closer. It was meant for just them. The excitement he couldn’t hold back turned the whisper into a squeak. It felt like the world was at a standstill but the thoughts in his head racing across like shots fired on the battle ground. He desperately hoped the side supporting “LOUIS’ LIKES THE IDEA OF ME IN A DRESS !!!!!” won over, “he’ll never love you again, he is just mocking you for being pathetic.” With one look into Louis’ eyes, that told him everything he couldn’t say he turned to Liam afraid his resolve would crack.
Louis had held his hand when the interview ended. He hadn’t let go through the wrap-up and the good-byes, he hadn’t let go while hailing cabs and answering calls, he hadn’t let go when the driver glared at them while he awkwardly paid, and he wouldn’t let go while they opened the door and walked in. Harry is wrapping his legs around Louis, his head tucked into his chest. Louis’ sinks down against the closed door. He’s pulling Harry impossibly closer, encompassing Harry’s body with his own. Only if that could save his Hazza from everything. Harry has a vice like grip on Louis’ hand. He can feel Harry’s lip quiver against his heart as tear soaks through his t-shirt.
Nothing was simple ever since they met, everything except this. The overwhelming need to protect the boy in his arms was ever present since the “Oops” “Hi” and has only grown, talking over him like a tsunami taking over his existence. Now when his love of his life is shaking with silent cries, he feels helpless. He knows Harry has been struggling with the voices in his head. As much as he prioritises giving Harry the space and freedom to share his feelings at his own pace, he desperately wants to know what’s hurting Harry. Seeing his boy like this for so long shatters him. He can’t afford to break now. “I got you sun. Breathe with me Love. Breathe.” Slowing his own breathing to guide Harry, his fingers tracing the juts of Harry’s spine. A tender kiss was pressed into Harry’s hair, gently combing his fingers through the matted curls. Harry looked up from where he had been cocooned. He moves Harry’s fringe away, kissing his forehead. His hand moves to hold Harry behind his neck pulling him closer to rest their foreheads together. “How about a shower before we cuddle baby?” Louis says once Harry’s breathing has slowed down. He feels Harry nod, a slight smile making its way on to his lips. “I’ll make us some tea.”
Out of the shower, Harry feels more at peace with himself. He was dying to ask Louis to join him but he needed some space to sort out the mess in his head. The image staring back at him in the mirror feels like a weak imitation of himself. “Fair enough, haven’t been myself in a while” he thinks. Baggy eyes and dark circles surrounded his eyes, still bloodshot from earlier. “Sun, I got fried rice and those dumplings you love, getting your tea in a minute Love, are you done yet” Louis voice flowed through a bit muffled. Through all of the turmoil today had given him a glimmer of hope, Louis had given him hope. There was too much at risk but he couldn’t go on pretending, hiding a piece pf himself trying to be someone he was supposed to be.
He owed himself the chance to try and he owed Louis the truth. Knowing that no matter what Louis understood him better than anyone gave him a sense of courage. He walked out to Louis waiting on the edge of their bed with a cup of tea. “Feeling better love?” Harry’s answering smile didn’t reach his eyes but he walked up to Louis sitting down their knees nudging together. He was handed his cuppa before Louis got up to settling behind Harry with a comb disentangling his hair gently.
***
Harry can’t taste the dumplings because of the anxiety thrumming in his veins. Dinner is quite. It’s comforting like the calm before the storm. He feels like he would drown if not for Louis anchoring their feet together. Louis reaches out taking Harry’s hand in his rubbing along his wrist. Once they’re nestled into their bed, Louis pulls Harry’s back to his chest, tucking his knees behind Harry’s. Harry makes himself smaller tucking into his neck. “Take your time love but please tell me what’s hurting you baby, you don’t have to deal with all of it on your own. I love you H, nothing is ever going to change that. We are a team right me and you, Always. So let me in darling, Please” he whispered into Harry’s ear like it was a secret so intimate that the air around them was also not privy to it. Silence wrapped around them, both still holding on to each other.
Harry turned around craning his head to kiss Louis, trying to communicate just how much his words meant to him. He was tender and warm letting Louis take control, clinging on to the warmth of Louis’ lip through the overwhelming rush of emotions in his head. Deep down he knew he would never be ready for this, never more than today. There was no point in waiting any longer. Louis was pulling him closer still kissing him. Their lips part, foreheads still nudged together... “Can we talk about it?” comes Harry’s breathy whisper. The words ghosting Louis’ lip. “Yes, please H, whenever you’re ready” Louis is gently tugging at his curls. He feels a “now” spoken against his neck. Harry is wrapped around him, holding on like one would a floating log through the rapids. “Now?” Louis asks already manoeuvring them to sit upright. He feels Haz nod from where he’s tucked into his neck. “ok, I am here go on love”
Louis gets a whine in return at least he’s out of his hiding tossing his head back. Louis tries to calm him by running his hand along his spine and forearms. “It’s just…. It’s just so much, where do I even begin” he sighs. “Slow down sun, it’s going to be alright, we’ll be alright. Start from whatever is easier to share ok, there we go.” Louis holds him tighter, “So uhm… So do you remember during the summer when you were upset cause you thought I was looking at a woman, well… uhm I was actually caught up in what she was wearing” Harry looks at Louis trying to gauge his expression. But all he got from the older one is a tilt of his head a curious expression on his face, “I don’t quite remember Haz what was she wearing baby?”
He can feel the warmth of the blush taking over his cheeks and the bile rising up his gut. “a dress.” If Louis wasn’t focusing on every single movement of his lips, he would have missed it. A million questions running through his mind. “What about the dress caught your attention darling” Louis asks carefully not wanting to do anything that pushes his boyfriend away. “Everything Lou” came the answer. Harry’s eyes had this almost dreamy look, “It was just the perfect length, the fabric so light and flowy, looked so freeing to be wearing it Boo, imagine running around in a white dress in a flower field like a fairy, it’s almost magical isn’t it. I know it’s not normal, I know it’s not right but I want that so bad Lou, want to feel that way, want to feel that freedom” he looks up at louis and then all of a sudden, the sparkle in his eyes is gone. Harry was steadfastly looking down not meeting his gaze.
“Harry, H look at up, look at me” He nudged Harry’s head up, his hands cradling Harry’s head. Harry was shivering. His thoughts were racing at light speed. Louis would gently let him go, they would probably still be friends and Louis wouldn’t judge him, would still be kind cause that’s just who he is. It’s all fair cause he’s a mess and no one deserves that. But what he finds when he looks up into Louis’ eyes is something he never dreamt of hoping for. His eyes, serene like the sea, pulling him deeper in.
“It’s not wrong baby, wanting to be yourself can never be wrong.”
“But then I kept trying to convince myself I am a boy; dresses are not for me. What I am feeling is wrong………. It was scary and still is. The scariest part wasn’t even not being accepted though. What’s new with that, but I don’t think I can……I don’t think I can survive losing you Lou, but then again you don’t deserve this, so I get it if you don’t want to stay” his voice cracks and so does his heart at just the thought of Louis not wanting him.
“HARRY DON’T YOU FUCKING DARE. I AM NOT LEAVING YOU NOW, NOT IN FOOKING FOREVER. I LOVE YOU and that means I love very single part that makes you, you. And I will continue to do so no matter what. I promise I am never going to let anyone make you feel bad about being yourself. You’re not a mess Love. You’re the most beautiful person I have ever met. Not one day goes by without me thanking the universe for making you mine. I know you’ll be fucking gorgeous in a dress, as beautiful as ever, maybe even a tad bit more. Wear whatever makes you happy and be whoever you want to be darling. I know it’s scary but remember I’ll always be there right by your side for everything and anything you want to do. I’ll be yours, until you’ll have me. And I am hoping that’s nothing short of forever.”
Harry giggles at that, tears running down both their faces. Louis rushes in to kiss him, erasing any doubt Harry had about them. They stay like that reclaiming what they didn’t know was lost. The weight Harry was caring finally lifted off. He could feel the light that was filling up his heart, with each tug of his lips as Louis kissed him. The thoughts in his head untwisting into a mantra of “Louis is not leaving him, he thinks he would look pretty in a dress, he loves him and that’s all that matters.” No words would ever convey his gratitude and overwhelming love for the man in front of him. So, he tries to say it all by kissing him more fiercely and pulling him closer.
Louis has never felt worse in his life. The love of his life had been struggling for so long and he had done nothing to help him. His heart sinks at the thought of his baby alone and scared for wanting to try something new, for wanting to be himself without being judged. It sends shivers down his spine to think that Harry was frightened of losing him, he hopes that neither of them ever have to doubt their love. Louis hopes that his heartbeat against Harry’s ear while he snuggles into his chest was evidence enough for it. He could see Harry smile, one that reached to his eyes, he had missed that. He had missed his Hazza.
“What even made you think that I would do that darling?” he asks placing a kiss to his head. Slight tremors run through Harry; he can feel Harry’s heart racing. “Louis it’s just. it’s just I know you hated kissing women, hated that you had to try to do something that makes you so uncomfortable before you allowed yourself to come out. And I don’t want to do something you aren’t comfortable with Lou; I never want you to not like me.”
“Angel, nothing you do, nothing can ever stop me from loving you. You will always be the love of my life no matter what. A dress won’t make you less of a man, it’s you who decides who you are Haz, and even if that ever changes, I love you H, not your clothes, not your pronouns nothing will ever change that. I will still love you until you’ll let me.” There are tears running down both their eyes. Louis hands move to cradle the younger boy’s face, thumbs gracing his cheeks to swipe away the tears. “How did I get so lucky with you, I love you so much Louis. I’ll always be yours. Always.” And Harry inches closer sealing the vow with a kiss, hoping it conveys all the words that were too heavy to let go.
Louis lifts both of Harry’s hands to his chest enveloped by his own palms. “Forgive me darling, I couldn’t reach you sooner. You don’t have to deal with any of this alone. Nothing gives me more happiness than watching you shine, like the star you are and I swear I won’t let a single soul dampen your glow, love.” Harry looks up at him with glassy eyes, dimpled smile and pink cheeks, “I don’t… I just…… thank you for being mine, Lou. I never let myself believe I would be allowed this freedom, I don’t know the extent of it, but I don’t trust anyone except you with this part of me. I don’t want to share it with anyone else for now” Louis is earnestly nodding at him. He let go of Harry’s hand, pulling him closer in his lap. He hides his tears in Harry’s curls, nuzzling the hair. “Anything you want love. I am always gonna support you, and I know the boys will too. If you want to tell them, when you’re comfortable that is. You know I will fight Modest and the Gods above for you love. I am so proud of you for being so brave with who you are.”
Harry was wrapped around his boyfriend, head on his chest. The steady rhythm of his heart healing him bit by bit like a silent song of support and reassurance. “Haz do you mind me asking what kind of dresses do you want to where apart from the white one, I would love to more about it darling” Lou was saying as his hand were running through the younger one’s hair. The light in Harry’s eyes as he looked up made him regret not asking him sooner. He was speeding to get up and run out, coming back with his laptop “God did I miss telling you about all these gorgeous designers and outfits I found Lou. I was looking at this vogue release, Look at this one, it’s a sundress right, I love that it has these layered ruffles at the sleeves, so dainty, and the bodice isn’t very shaped so it would fit my body right, I love the colour Lou. The bright yellow and green embroidery at the hem makes it seem like a sunflower.” Louis was intently listening to his baby. The way Harry was so excited made him melt. Harry was jumping between several collections and shopping sites showing Louis his favourite items and describing the tiniest of details from his Wishlist rambling dreamily his voice gradually turning slow and syrupy. “Baby why don’t you order some of ‘em tomorrow actually all of them, I’ll help you pick out the sizes, you’d look gorgeous pretty sure I’d never be able to take my eyes of you all dolled up…”
He looks down to find the younger one asleep head perched on Louis shoulder. He looked so soft and at peace after countless weeks of restlessness like the tranquillity of the sea after a storm has paced. Louis turned to gently tuck a kiss into those curls while he slid his arms to lift him off and lay him on the bed. Harry’s back always bothered him when he didn’t sleep right. He cuddled up next to him, pulling their duvet over them. “You shine so bright darling, I’ll never let anything dull you down, you’ll never need to hide in the darkness step into the light love” Louis whispered his vows into H’s ears. He knows Harry won’t hear them but Louis will make sure he knows.