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It begins with a silly, innocuous game during outdoor class. One of their weekly, end of day endeavors. A culmination of months of jolts and unnamed discomforts. Natalie and Cove are chatting about this shiny shell that she found on the beach, that seemed to bounce back sunlight, when Ms. Adams breaks into a familiar song: “Hey Little Ladies, on this side, hey Big Boys, right over here!” The class, parting like the red sea, move to their respective sides of the tarmac playground… not Natalie, though. For the first time in her eleven years of life, there’s something keeping her feet glued to the ground, something that takes root in her chest, that makes her almost wary of assigning herself into that label: girl. She throws a helpless glance to the other side of the room. Does she want to be on the other side, traverse that line? There’s this tugging at her chest, yet… “boy”...
Why doesn’t that feel right either? Sure, it would be affirming to be “one of the boys”, to be considered one of them, but something about that label feels off, too. Cove catches her standing there awkwardly, eyes darting between the two groups. She frays at her flamingo pink sundress when she meets his gaze. “Are you alright?” he asks, when a shrill voice cuts him off.
“Natalie, group, please! Chop chop!” Ms. Adams says, making a gesture towards the girls’ side of the playground. Natalie is broken from her trance and arduously shuffles to where the other girls are, still fingering the cotton dress. The other girls make chit-chat, eager as to what game they’re going to be playing this week. Natalie nods, and offers a few words here and there, but her gaze is on the ground. When she looks up, she sees Cove with a concerned expression on his face, still. Right. She’s still fiddling with her dress, a nervous tell that only Cove knows about. “Today’s game… Volleyball! Six girls vs. six boys, and I’ll be choosing from our popsicle stick jar!” their teacher calls. That perks up Natalie; volleyball has always been a favorite of hers, even with her abysmally short stature. When she looks up to see who’ll be playing who, she meets Cove’s gaze again, throwing a jaunty smile at him. While he returns it, his face is still furrowed into a look of worry. Natalie, in an attempt to stifle her discomfort, throws a thumbs up at him.
“Volleybaaaaaall!” she mouths. Cove giggles and throws one back, a stark contrast to the other boys — heck, and even girls — who are miffed at the prospect of having to play a sports game. Cove was just going to kick their butts like usual. Natalie hopes she gets to play against Cove. The challenge of going against him was always fun. “You’re going down,” she hisses. Cove snorts and rolls his eyes.
“In your dreams,” he whispers back. The two chuckle. Ms. Adams, meanwhile, pulls out the first six sticks.
“Shauna, Jade, Marcela, Pritha, Natalie, and Louise,” she calls out. Nat nudges towards Shauna next to her. Decently athletic. She and her would carry the less enthusiastic members of their group. The brunette smiles back. “Aaaaand… Kyle, Yusuf, Ray, Christopher, Ilya, and Cove!” The named boys collectively murmur amongst themselves. Teaming up with Cove meant that they’d never get their hands on the ball. Oh well, the boys’ team at least gets an advantage. Natalie bounds up eagerly to the fraying net. She smirks, half enthusiastic, half in an attempt to psych herself up against her far taller opponents. Why’d people like her have to be short? Why was she shorter than people like her, even? She shakes those thoughts off, trying to focus on Cove across from her. Knowing him, he’d spike the ball to her and only her. His best friend. Her best friend… ugh. They’d make a fearsome duo together. Why’d they have to be on opposite teams anyway? Why are there boy’s and girl’s teams in the first place? Why does gender even matter? Why does she have to go for one side out of two? Why can’t she just be on her own, independent of that whole baloney? Why can’t she be neither, she doesn’t want to be either—
Something stirs in Natalie. Neither, not either… can she really be—
Tweeeet! The whistle’s shriek jolts her from her musing, pulling her back into reality. Oh yeah, the game! Pritha serves the ball to her and she just barely returns her attention to set the ball for Shauna. The latter punts the ball towards the boys, which is deflected by Cove with lightning speed.
It takes everything in Natalie not to be pulled back into this newfound revelation as she sets the ball again. Neither, neither, neither… the thought flies around her head, takes hold alongside the encouraging shouts from the other girls and boys, and Ms. Adams’ “Stop ball hogging!” reserved for the two of them, but mostly for Cove; speaking of which, he’s gotten the boy’s team a good lead against hers with his deadly powerful spikes. To no one’s surprise, Cove’s team wins, the other boys grumbling.
“Pass the ball, why don’t ya?”
“Yeah, we’re in this team, too.”
“Ball hog!” The teasing is half annoyance, half in jest. As irate as they are, there’s still mad respect for Cove’s athleticism. Natalie can only huff in annoyance. Damn. She makes her way back to where the girls are sitting, at the back row and far edge so she can talk with Cove. Not like the other students are of any interest. “Yo,” she whispers when he sits down, “nice job. You’re awesome!” Cove giggles and blushes.
“Th-thanks… you did good, too, you’re a great setter. I just wish we could have been on the same team. It’s fun when we challenge each other, but I love when we work together…” he trails off, cheeks pink. Natalie smiles and interlocks her fingers with his.
“Yeah, you and me woulda blown the doors offa these chumps. It’s not fair there has to be boys and girls teams. What does it matter? It’s just fun sports, and hell, during even the checkers competition it was the same way. Why does it matter? Why do I even have to choose one? Cuz’ I don’t wanna. Why’s there… there… one or the other? I don’t fit into any of those,” she sighs, her mulling over coming back. She reaches to fiddle with her dress, and there again comes a revelation.
Dresses are for girls.
She doesn’t want to wear dresses anymore.
She looks down, miffed at the pink fabric when Cove nudges her again.
“Natalie… are you sure you’re alright?” he asks. He shuffles closer, and amidst the shouts of the other kids, his voice is amplified. “What did you mean by that? Not fitting in to either of those… d’you mean, like… you don’t want to be a boy or a girl?”
“I guess.” She shrugs. “It’s just… this whole boy and girl thing doesn’t make sense. I’m just me. Why does that even exist?” Cove goes red at that.
“W-well… I mean… y’know, cuz boys have… yeah… and girls… um, y’know—”
“Of course I know that, dummy. Duh. But that’s not what I’m talking about. Just…”
“Gaaaame! Girls win!” Ms. Adams shouts, startling them both. The girls erupt into cheers while the boys make a show of complaining. Natalie snorts. “Heh. Beat ya guys.”
“Not me, though,” he retorts, referring to their own match. “Hey, let’s keep talking on the way home. You seem down.”
“Okay.” The pair pick up their bags and move onto the stretch of road for their twenty minute walk home. Normally Ma or Mom would drive them home, but they insisted on walking as autumn brought more moderate temperatures. The two move along, side by side, taking in the cry of the seagulls, crashing ocean waves, the invigorating scent of the sea air.
“So… you wanna continue, if you’re okay with that?”
“Sure, so… yeah. I just… don’t feel like a girl. Like when people say that, it just doesn’t click. I don’t feel like I am, and I don’t like it. Being called that, being girly at all, I don’t want that. Acting more like a boy feels better, wearing boy clothes and all, but “boy” doesn’t feel right either. I… I don’t know what I am! I don’t know why I’m feeling like this!” she groans. Her lip quivers and she falters on the path. Cove slows his pace and puts a hand on her shoulder.
“Natalie, I’m so sorry. I never thought this was happening to you.”
“It’s fine,” she lies.
“No it’s not. You’re crying!” he exclaims. He throws his arms around her. It takes everything in her not to practically collapse into his hold, instead pressing her head against his chest and breathing shakily. Cove runs a hand through her wavy hair. “There’s a bench over there. Let’s sit for a while.” She nods and extracts herself from his hold, but loops her arm around his as they take a seat. The shopping district is but a few dozen meters ahead, thankfully empty this early in the day. She can’t stand when people see her cry. Cove rubs a hand in circles on her back, a gesture that comforts her to no end.
“Thanks, Cove… you’re so awesome,” she sighs, leaning her head onto his shoulder. Cove smiles and rests his head on hers back; the two spend a moment in silence, taking in the warmth of each other’s bodies, comfortable with one another enough to find solace in just sitting there, even without words. Natalie threads her fingers into his, and he reciprocates just as easily. “Hey, Cove?” she asks.
“Hm?”
“You’re a guy, right?”
“What?” Cove moves to face her, face contorted in confusion.
“No, really, you’re a guy, right?”
“Uh, yeah. I was born a guy. I feel like a guy. You’ve known me long enough to know that.”
“You like being one?”
“Sure, why not?” He replies, giving her another look. Natalie chews on her inner lip.
“Okay, so, you’re a guy, you like being one. And you’re okay with that… I don’t think I am. I’ve thought about it, if I was a dude… it’s not all that bad, but again… I just don’t want to be anything . I don’t feel like anything. I’m just a person, that’s it. Natalie Donovan. That’s me. And, for the record,” she starts, standing up to stretch, “I dislike being a girl more than if I was a guy. Y’know? I mean, Lizzie and Moms are all girls, they’re cool with it. I’m just not. I dunno why they don’t have any problems with it, but I do. I mean… can I be that? Just not a dude or dudette?” she asks. Cove stands up with her, sympathetic.
“Oh, Natalie… It's okay. I don’t get how you feel, but I get that it doesn’t make you feel good. But, I think you can be neither,” he begins. Natalie whips around, befuddled.
“Wait, what? Like, that’s a thing?”
“I think so. I’m remembering it just now. I saw it on TV last week. These people on some talk show were getting interviewed. What they said was a lot like what you said just now. That they don’t feel like either men or women. There’s an actual word for it, but I forgot what it was. I’ll see if—”
“No waaaaay!!!” Natalie shouts. Cove flinches. “Actually? You mean it? There’s other people out there like that? That’s a thing?” she shrieks. People like her… not male or female…her entire worldview seems to have been turned on its head.
“Oh my god, oh my god, for reals… no way!” She’s so confused, astounded, relieved, and amazed, all at once. “I’m not a girl. Or a boy… and that’s okay. I love that!”
“ I love that, too.” Cove beams. “I’m happy you’re happy. I-I’m glad I helped, too.” He squeezes Natalie’s hand. Natalie smiles and pulls him into a hug.
“You’re the best friend I’ve ever had in my entire life. I love you, dude.” Cove blushes and gives her a shaky smile.
“I love you too, Natalie Nat.” he giggles, slipping into his favorite nickname for her. Natalie freezes.
“Wait, wait. Call me that last thing again.”
“Nat?”
“Yeah… Nat. Nat… Cove!” Natalie extracts herself from his hold. “Nat’s neutral, right? Anyone can be called that! Oh man… okay, okay. From now on, I wanna be Nat. Short, sweet, genderless. Yeah. Nat’s my name from now on,” she beams, eyes wet with happy tears. Cove looks like he’s about to start bawling as well.
“Sure thing… nice to meet you, Nat! I’m Cove.” The two giggle at his little joke.
“Uh huh, that’s me: Nat Donovan. Don’t you suckers ever forget it!” she shouts, punching a fist into the air. Cove beams.
“Trust me, no one will. You’re that unforgettable,” he says, fiddling with his glasses. “Anyway, we should get going now. Don’t want Dad to worry, and I’m sure you don’t want your moms panicking, too,” he adds. Nat nods.
“Oh, shoot, yeah. Okay. Race you!” she shouts, making a beeline down the street.
“W-what? Hey!” Cove scrambles, shooting forward. Not even 3 seconds and he’s well ahead of Nat. “That’s cheating!”
“Nuh uh, you’re gonna win anyway, so,” she huffs, feet pounding against the road. Cove sighs and slows his pace to match hers. “Plus, I can’t run properly ‘cuz of this stupid dress. Ugh. I don’t even wanna wear dresses anymore. That’s for girls.”
“Maybe we can buy you some cool shorts. You’re getting your pocket money next week, aren’t you?”
“Uh huh. But that’s so far away. Right now I just wanna take this stupid thing off.”
“WHAT?! HUH?! NOOOOO!” Cove shouts, face going crimson, stumbling. “That’s, I — not here! No!” Nat rolls her eyes.
“I meant figuratively, genius! Why would I wanna do that here of all places? Damn,” she sighs, but there’s a playful lilt to her gaze. Cove is so startled that she uses the advantages to speed ahead towards the street their houses were on.
“Hey, that’s — ugh, Nat!” Nat shrieks with laughter as she makes it to the Donovan household, skidding to a stop. “Cheater,” Cove mumbles, appearing almost instantly behind her.
“Now, now, I was simply employing military strategy,” she chides. Cove rolls his eyes but still follows her inside, being careful to wipe his feet on the mat. Nat scans the area, where she finds the entire Donovan family mulling about; Ma making what looks to be sandwiches, Mom coming down the stairs, and Lizzie — er, Elizabeth , lounging on the couch, school bag still beside the door. Nat groans inwardly. Apparently this “too cool for family” phase includes her older sister being too embarrassed to walk home with her. “You already have your baby boyfriend to do that with,” she’d said when the younger one complained about it last summer. Nat bypasses the living room and makes her way to the kitchen. She and Cove are parched.
“Natalie! How was school?” Ma exclaims, nudging her affectionately. Her hands are occupied with shredding a head of lettuce. Nat flinches. Ah. She hasn’t told her family yet… should she?
“Oh, it was nice. We played volleyball. I went against Cove. It was fun,” she replies, filling a cup of water for Cove. He takes it and downs it in a gulp, handing it back to her to fill. “Anything interesting happening today?” she asks, filling half a glass for herself.
“Mmh, no, not really,” Mom interjects, giving the two kids a playful hair ruffling. “Busy day at work, same old. Lani’s prepping cold sandwiches for lunch… oh, there’s this new Japanese TV series playing this evening that sounds nice. Animated, too. Might give it a try. You and Cove can come and watch once you’ve gotten your homework done. Oh, and Cliff says he’ll be out until midnight. Some big shot client he’s going over things with. Not too sure,” she adds on. Cove nods.
“Cool. Nat and I can just get our work done together.” Ma perks up at this.
“Nat… I’ve never heard anyone use that nickname for you. Cute!” she beams. Nat freezes on the other hand. "Nickname” is for sure the last thing that this new moniker of hers is. She runs a hand through her shoulder length hair.
“Oh, well… yeah. About that…” she trails off. Ma cocks her head in confusion while Mom gives her a look. Even Elizabeth is looking up from the TV at the sudden shift in tone.
“Everything alright, Natalie?” Mom asks. Nat flinches. There it is, that name. Strange, how in a short time the title used for her entire life is now something so unwanted for her, failing to hold a candle to 'Nat', a once-nickname that she now cherishes after less than twenty minutes of usage.
“Is something wrong? You look spooked,” Ma adds, walking over and putting a hand on her shoulder. She looks over at Cove. Nat goes red and can’t bring herself to speak. It’s so monumental, and yet, if she doesn’t…
“Oh, it’s… well, when Nat and I were walking home, well…” he keeps looking over at Nat, unwilling to reveal more without her express permission. Elizabeth now walks over, intrigued.
“C’mon, it can’t be that bad. What’d you do, kill a man?” she laughs at her own joke, trailing off when Mom gives her a look.
“Did something happen on the way back? Or at school?” she asks. Nat shakes her head. The worried glances of her moms are making her nervous.
“No, just… it’s this thing I was thinking about… about me,” she starts, pursing her lips. “I… at school, and on the way home, I was just thinking…” her voice catches in her throat. Oh god. Yeah, it’s now or never. “That, I was born a girl, and people call me that, but… I don’t feel like I’m one. Or like a boy, just… it’s… none of those. Just me. I’m not a boy or a girl, nothing, but I don’t like being called a girl. I know I’m born one, but, I don’t want to be one,” she gets out. Tears are streaming down her cheeks. Ma’s eyes widen.
“Oh, sweetie.” She squeezes Nat’s shoulder.
“A-and, I told Cove, and he sa-said that, there were other people out there like me, but… I d-didn’t want… you and everyone, I di-idn’t want you to hate m-me, or… but then, when h-he started calling me Nat… I felt so happy, I don’t want to go by Natal-l-lie, but, I don’t want you… to get mad…” it’s getting harder to speak, and she’s crying so hard she’s hiccuping. Mom gasps and rushes over to throw her arms around her.
“Oh, baby, no! We would never get mad at you for that!” She uses her sleeve to wipe away Nat’s tears. Ma looks pain-stricken herself.
“Sweetheart, you can be whoever you are. Whether a girl, boy, or in-between, that doesn’t change the fact that you’re our darling. We’ll affirm you no matter what.” Ma says, stroking Nat’s hair. Her sobs ebb when Elizabeth decides to speak up.
“Mm, yeah. Be who you wanna be. I’m cool with it. Doesn’t change the fact that you’ll be my annoying little sibling regardless.” The mocking in her words has a gentle edge to them, though, and Nat catches on. Her older sister rubs her shoulder soothingly. “You’re alright, kiddo. Don’t worry about it. Anyone gives you crap for it, I’ll bring them hell. That’s a promise,” she continues.
“We love you, baby,” Mom says, kissing her cheek. Ma nods.
“Mmh, and if you want to be Nat from now on, that’s great. I’ll let the family and school staff know, too.”
“Th-thanks… really, it means so much… I love you all…” Nat sighs, leaning into Mom’s shoulder.
“Of course, Nat. You’re my child. Why wouldn’t I love you?”
“You truly are the light of our lives — oh!” Ma lets go for a moment to face Cove, who flushes. The whole time he was standing around awkwardly, feeling out of place.
“Cove, honey, thank you for being with Nat and talking this through together. You helped them so much to figure things out and affirm them. You’re such a kind boy,” she says. Cove rubs his head awkwardly.
“Ah, it’s no problem, really. Nat’s my friend, I’d do anything for — wait, them?” He, Elizabeth, and Nat perk up.
“Ma, I’m one person,” Nat laughs. Mom smiles.
“Oh no, she used the singular ‘they’. It’s a gender neutral pronoun as opposed to ‘she’ or ‘he’. Many non-binary people like you use it. Ah, I believe that’s the term you were looking for.”
“Non-binary…” Nat whispers, the phrase unfamiliar yet homely on her tongue. Ma pats her head again.
“Yes, I assumed you’d want to switch to those pronouns after this realization, if ‘she’ wouldn’t make you feel comfortable. But I should have asked first, though; you can use whichever pronouns you like.”
“Huh? No, no, I wanna use ‘they’. I like that. Fits well,” Nat says, playing the word in their head over and over again. “And, uh, if you guys could call me that too, that’d be great.” The other four smile.
“Of course!”
“No problem!”
“Whatever makes you happy.”
“Sure thing, Nat,” Cove says, giving their hand a squeeze. There’s still tears in their eyes, but they’re happy ones. Nat can’t be more grateful for the family they have, for the love and support they’ll always give them. “Oh, I’ll be sure to tell Dad, too, when he gets back.”
“Thanks, dude,” Nat says. Ma claps her hands together the way a school teacher would to bring a class to attention.
“Well, I’m so glad we got to sort this out, but lunch isn’t gonna make itself, y’know. Come along, now.” She gestures to the three youngest people in the house, the youngest two more enthusiastic than the older one.
“Aw, hell yeah, cranberries!” Nat shouts, making a beeline for the packet of fruit. Cove is more laid back as he takes a packet of turkey ham for his sandwiches. Elizabeth, on the other hand, joins Mom setting out various juices for the luncheon.
“Yo, Nat,” she says, pouring out a bottle of pineapple juice, “so, what now? Is this just an ‘in name only’ thing, or does this have to be official? Like, won’t you wanna change your name or something, on paper? I heard it costs 50 bucks to do that.”
“Oh, well, yeah. Definitely. I mean, can I?” they ask, looking towards their moms. Ma has a pensive look on her face.
“Well, we can change your name legally, no problem. But I think you’re gonna have to be older to change your gender on all your documents. Sorry, sweetie.” She pats their head.
“Yup, that’s gonna be farther along in the future. However, nothing says we can’t do anything social-wise. If you’d like new clothes, for example, we can arrange that,” Mom says, bringing her and Ma’s plates to the dining table.
“Ooh, yeah! I’d love that. And uh, could I maybe get a haircut? Something more boyish?” they ask shyly. Both their moms smile.
“Of course! Whatever you’d like, Nat.”
“Within spending limits,” Mom adds, sending waves of laughter around the table. Nat sighs, content. How were they so blessed to have a wonderful family and friend like this? Speaking of which…
“Oh! I almost forgot, but I gotta tell Lee about this,” they say, moving in their chair.
“Hold your horses! Not until you finish your meal. You can tell her afterward, no problem,” Ma chides. “I’ll arrange a call for you in the evening when the whole family will be free afterward. We wouldn’t want to disturb their lunch now, would we?”
“O-kayyyy,” Nat replies, equal parts miffed and playful. Cove snorts at their theatrics, but softens his gaze.
“I’m really proud of you, you know,” he mutters, giving their knee a nudge with his own.
“I’m glad you were with me all this time. You’re the best friend anyone could ever have in the history of the world.”
“I’ll bet. Thank you for being with them,” Mom says, patting his shoulder. Cove nearly jumps in his seat, face flushing at the fact the entire table could hear the two. Elizabeth sticks her tongue out playfully.
“You guys are so cute together,” she teases. Cove gets even redder and nervously toys with his glass.
“Now, Elizabeth,” Ma scolds softly. Nat laughs it off though, basking in the love and warmth of the people around them. They spend the rest of the afternoon and then evening laughing, joking around, talking about things monumental and mundane, all the same. But the love everyone has for one another is ever present, and Nat knows it’ll be like this for always, as they take this new step into their identity, their life.