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Fic Fight 2025
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Published:
2025-06-04
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2,860
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1/1
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Dear Himiko,

Summary:

After the war, Ochako begins writing letters that she'll never be able to send.

Notes:

Laz thank you for mentioning TogaChako in your ship preferences and also for the prompt "Unsent letters". Although I'm usually a "Himiko lives" AU kind of person, this was a great opportunity to explore Ochako's feelings in a canon-compliant way with a delicious amount of angst.

(BTW the "Choose not to use archive warnings" is purely bc of the Major Character Death warning... I find it hard to gauge whether it applies or not, since a major character here did die, but it's more about the aftermath than seeing/experiencing that death. No other archive warnings potentially apply)

Work Text:

Dear Himiko,

This is totally useless, considering you’ll never read it, but Hound Dog insisted. He says I won’t actually have to show him what I wrote, which kinda tempts me to not write this at all. I promised I would, though, and he insists that it’ll help to lay my feelings out on paper.

What even are my feelings? I guess it must be guilt. I wanted to save you, and I failed. I want to say at least we connected, and I saw your smile, but you did also ultimately die, which is not exactly a good hero look. I’m sorry I failed you. I guess that’s most of it: I’m sorry. I feel sorry but there’s nobody to apologize to. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Maybe if I say it enough times here I’ll feel better about it. Sorry!!!!

Okay, now I can tell Hound Dog I worked through my feelings and am basically all better. Sorry again.

Sincerely,

Ochako.

 

 

Dear Himiko,

I tried this last year, and although it felt stupid at the time, it was kind of a release. Once I put stuff down on the page, I was able to not think about it so much in my brain. Now I’m trying again, because thoughts of you have been building up, and I have no clue what to do with you.

The girls had a sleepover last night. We played games, did some impromptu karaoke, and when lights went out, we gossiped about love.

Mina’s fault, really, she started it because she’s way too nosy for her own good. While on the topic, Tooru accused Kyouka of having a crush on Kaminari, and though Kyouka denied it, when we asked if she was crushing on anyone she turned totally red. If it’s not Kaminari, I don’t know who it could be, as Kaminari’s the guy she’s closest to in our class. Maybe it’s someone in another class?

Mina reminded me of my crush on Izuku. It’s that obvious, huh? Even back then, you knew how I felt about him in an instant. You liked him too, didn’t you? You told me as much. The girls hyped me up about confessing, but I’m not ready for that sort of thing. Dating seems like a lot, and I don’t think I can handle it with everything else going on. Izuku is pretty busy too. If he likes me back, I don’t think he’d mind waiting.

I guess I’m writing this because I wish you had been there, sitting in the circle, talking about love with us. I had that thought while it was happening—that you would have fit right in there. That you would have teased the others, and then we could have even fought. We both had a crush on the same guy, wouldn’t that have been fun to talk out? We’d have to fight about it, and argue about who he might like more. That seems awkward, but I like imagining you telling me to stop being greedy and just share him with you.

I thought about you so much I expected to dream of you that night, but I didn’t, and as soon as I went back to my own room I burst into tears. 

You said you liked me. What did you mean by that? I wish I could go back and ask you in detail. Did you like me because I liked Izuku? Just because you wanted to be me?

I wish we had a sleepover, so me and the other girls could ask you about your feelings.

Sincerely,

Ochako

 

 

Dear Himiko,

Sorry to unload on you, but things are getting intense and I don’t want to burden my other friends who are going through enough already. I’m on my third-year internship with Thirteen right now, and I keep finding bodies. We were most recently deployed to an earthquake, but tons of buildings collapsed abruptly right on top of people. We kept working through the wreckage, trying to hear and see if anyone was in there, and we found more bodies than survivors.

Rescue work is horrible. I see Shouto and Izuku dive into those big showstopping villain battles and I get jealous. Villains are still people—even when they’re threatening others, you can still negotiate with them. You can reach out to them. You can beg them. There’s no begging for mercy with disasters like this. 

Finding a body is bad, but trying to save someone only for them to die is even worse. You weren’t my first, by the way (in case you were wondering). During one of my internships there was a hero who was badly injured, and I had to carry him out only for him to die anyway. I kept wondering afterwards if there was any way I could have saved him if I had just been faster or more delicate with his body at the time. I thought after that experience, the next time would be easier.

Obviously, it wasn’t.

I wish I could go back in time and reprimand the people who designed these buildings—they were only safe for up to a certain magnitude of earthquake, but the building was so tall, they should have put more safeguards in place. I can’t tell if they followed all the building code regulations of the area, but it wasn’t enough. Or maybe if I went back just a little bit in time, I could convince everyone to evacuate before the earthquake struck, and minimize the casualties.

Time-travel quirks don’t exist, but in times like these I keep wishing I could go back. Before the earthquake, before you died, before you even set down the path of villainy. What would have happened if we had gotten to meet in different circumstances? As children? Could I have changed anything at all?

I’m sorry for these useless thoughts, but thank you for letting me release them onto the page.

Sincerely,

Ochako

 

 

Dear Himiko

You died two years ago, today. I thought that last year, too, but it felt too cheesy to write you a letter. I thought if I did so, it would just prolong and emphasize the pain, but this year came along and I still haven’t forgotten the date, so it’s probably time I stop pretending that I can forget what happened and actually acknowledge it. Hound Dog would probably wag his tail in joy if he knew I was still writing these.

It’s your anniversary, but there’s not even a grave for me to offer anything to. Your family chose not to bury you (I asked). They cremated you and I have no clue what they did with the ashes, if they even chose to receive them. 

It’s not fair they got to decide. But isn’t that stupid of me? I barely knew you, didn’t I? We spent a grand total of a few hours in each other’s presence, and yet here I am acting like I deserved to decide what happened to your body.

Maybe if I had gotten to bury you myself, it would feel more real to me. Or maybe that’s wishful thinking. I make up scenarios where I get perfect closure that don’t leave this gaping wound in my chest, but if any of those scenarios had truly happened, I can’t imagine I would actually feel any better than I do now. 

Also, I graduated UA. You’ll never get to graduate high school. I hate knowing that I’ll keep growing older, and keep growing more distant from you while you stay the same. Forever.

Sorry for leaving you behind.

Sincerely,

Ochako

 

 

Dear Himiko,

You chose to die in front of me.

Maybe you thought that because I’m a hero, I could handle that. It’s not like you’re my first or my only. In a career like this, I can’t afford to go to pieces every time someone I tried to save still lost their life.

But you didn’t have to die.

You could have fled. You could have disguised yourself and hidden away deep in the mountains. Maybe you would have been so touched by our final conversation that you would have tried to avoid hurting anyone else. Maybe you would have been driven to the same desperate straits you’d taken which made others call you a villain.

Whatever other path you might have chosen, I think it would have been preferable to this. If you had let me die that day, I wouldn’t have to feel this.

Fuck you.

Sincerely,

Ochako

 

 

Dear Himiko,

This is my final letter to you, and for once it’s not whining and bitching like a melodramatic teenager. I wanted to tell you that I’ve started a quirk counseling program to help kids struggling to accept and understand their quirks.

It’s a quirk-positive intervention program being instituted across just a few school districts to start with, but I’m hoping to expand it if things go well. It’s a ton of paperwork, and I’ve had to talk to a crazy number of psychologists and quirkologists to figure out the best way to help kids stay mentally healthy, even when certain quirks present challenges to fitting in.

I’ve accepted that I can’t go back in time, but I keep imagining future Himiko’s and what I can do for them. Though I can’t change the past, the future is within my control, and so I’m doing everything I can to prevent what happened to you from occurring again.

With this, I want to believe I’ve paid my debt to you. I may have failed to give you blood for the rest of my life, but my legacy will be made in your image.

I hope that’s enough for you to forgive me.

Sincerely,

Ochako

 

 

Dear Himiko,

Izuku asked me out, I think. It’s been awhile since I saw him, but he asked to hang out more. Although I like him, there’s a part of me that has kind of avoided this. When I look at him, I remember you, who also liked him, and I’ve always thought it would be rude of me to get any closer to him. When he approached me, though, I had to ask myself whether you were really so jealous that you wouldn’t have allowed us to date. Your love wasn’t that shallow, so I think you wouldn’t mind this.

I think you would have let me go.

You’re better than me. If I were in your shoes, I don’t know if I would be able to let you go.

Sincerely,

Ochako

 

 

Dear Himiko,

I’ve been telling myself I’m hung up on you because I failed you and owed you something, but I’m afraid that’s not it. Izuku tried to reassure me that I’ve done more than enough, that I saved your heart in your last moments, and that I’ve dedicated my adulthood to helping those like you, but no matter how far I spread my quirk counseling program, no matter how many people I save, I still can’t escape thoughts of you.

What might have been, mostly.

We were on the brink of something. Friendship? More? I don’t know. If you had lived, maybe we could have explored it. Maybe if we got to actually hang out, you could have been my best friend.

It’s easy to idealize someone who isn’t there. I’m sorry to put you in that position, but since you aren’t here, there’s no way to prove me wrong, is there? Even if there’s only a one-percent chance that we could have stayed together after the war, I would have given everything, all of my blood forever, just to experience that and know for sure what we could have been.

What if you could have been everything?

I’m sorry I couldn’t make that happen.

Sincerely,

Ochako

 

 

Dear Himiko,

I can’t talk about this with Izuku, because it’s about him, and it’s embarrassing to say to my other friends, because they think everything is going so well. I mean, things are going well, honestly.

Izuku and I have been dating for awhile, and I think it’s nice. He’s a sweet boyfriend, he’s not too pushy, and we enjoy spending time together. It feels kind of perfect, maybe? I thought a romantic relationship would be more intense, but it’s pretty much just the same thing as a friendship.

Is there such a thing as too nice? I find myself looking for cracks and issues, and then feeling embarrassed for searching them out deliberately like that. Really, I think I keep looking for things to go wrong because I’m still feeling guilty. It’s like graduation—I’m reaching all these milestones I know you’ll never get to reach, and so even though I should be feeling good, I can’t stop thinking about the fact that you won’t get to have what I have.

Or maybe I’m just bad at this relationship stuff. I think if you were here, and I could talk about love with you, I would be able to sort it out. 

Sincerely,

Ochako

 

 

Dear Himiko,

I can never tell anyone else about this, but I think you’d get a kick out of it. I think I’ve figured out a way to be a better girlfriend. I told you last time about how guilty I felt about progressing with Izuku like, romantically, right? It’s embarrassing to admit, I kept holding back because the thought of doing more than you got to do while you were alive made me feel like a piece of shit. Like, who did I think I was, living a life that you’ll never get to experience?

That’s not logical, I know, and deep down I’m pretty sure you would rather I live happy than wallow like this, but the heart isn’t logical, and so I kept feeling like shit every time Izuku and I started to get too close.

But! While Izuku and I were kissing the other day, my mind was wandering, and I thought of you. Specifically, I was imagining what you might have done if you were still alive, and I thought you might play a prank on me. You liked Izuku enough to want to be him, right? I know this is impossible, and I’m not saying I truly believed this, but I kind of imagined what might have happened if you had somehow escaped, and gotten your hands on some of Izuku’s blood, and wanted to tease me. You did something like that to Izuku in the licensing exam, right? You pretended to be me and teased him. Why couldn’t you do the reverse as well?

Anyways, this is a roundabout way of saying I think I’ve found a way to be more comfortable with the physical stuff in my relationship, despite this constantly lingering guilt. If I imagine he’s secretly you, it feels like you’re a part of it, so you’re not missing out anymore.

I don’t think this is a good coping mechanism, and it’s one which could be easily misconstrued, which is why I can’t tell anyone else. Obviously it’s really Izuku who I’m with, and I’m not saying I’d rather have you than him or anything wild like that (especially since being with you would be literally impossible at this point), it’s just that it helps ease the guilt.

Although I think this would make you laugh, please forgive me if it makes you uncomfortable.

Sincerely,

Ochako

 

 

Dear Himiko,

Izuku bled today. We were cooking together, the knife slipped onto his thumb, and it really gushed out! We had to wrap it up with bandages.

Blood is amazing, isn’t it? There are so many ways people are different, but all of them bleed. Everyone has this rich, life-giving liquid that’s pumped through their very hearts. And there’s enough to share, up to a point. You were right, it’s quite romantic.

You loved me, didn’t you? You gave me all your blood. Had you ever given anyone else your blood? The thought of it drives me crazy the longer I think about it. Our hearts were literally connected on that battlefield. How am I supposed to pretend to be normal after that?

Izuku apologized for getting the cutting board dirty. I didn’t know how to explain any of these thoughts to him, so I’m saying it to you instead.

Sincerely,

Ochako

 

 

Dear Himiko,

Izuku and I finally broke up. A lot of our friends were surprised, but it’s been a long time coming. We were perfect on paper, but he never made me want to do anything. I was happy to just watch him… and even though he reached out to me eventually, I don’t think I would have ever actually reached out to him of my own volition. 

Tsuyu and I talked about it in detail, so I won’t bore you with that whole conversation, but I’ve realized some important things about myself. I feel like I’ve been underwater for a long time, and only finally reached the surface and properly breathed in air.

It’s time to stop pretending I only think about you so much because of guilt. To be honest, I just like thinking about you. 

Love,

Ochako