Chapter Text
Neil Josten had a problem.
One might say that he had enough problems to last him a lifetime.
After all, growing up being abused and tortured by his serial killer father, having to burn his own mother’s corpse and then having to strike a new deal to keep himself alive, certainly weren’t easy feats.
In hindsight, it was proof of the new life he was building. His new freedom and whatever came with it and Neil was happy to have such a mundane and normal problem. Well, kind of normal. Maybe not really and that was what worried him.
That’s why, after his last class of the day, he was sitting in the library with his laptop open while waiting for Matt for their weekly study date. Neil was reading posts on forums and blogs to try and solve it, before using up all his resources and turning to Matt.
You see, Neil was becoming homophobic, and he didn’t understand why.
After all, having spent half of his life on the run, Neil didn’t really have a chance to care about little things like that. It was survival first. Whatever interest he could begin to form was beat out early by his mother, who regarded things like that as distractions.
Neil grew up not really thinking about his feeling and preferences. He had tried when he was younger, a couple of kisses with some girls, but he didn’t feel anything if not the stickiness of their lipsticks.
Now with his new life came new friends. Matt was in one of his classes and after a particularly rough group project, he adopted Neil in his friends' group.
Neil knew Matt was bisexual and, as always, he thought nothing of it. It wasn’t really his business, and he didn’t care if he liked boys or not.
That’s why this new “homophobic” problem was rattling him this much.
It all started a few weeks ago.
Neil lived in the dorms and shared his room with Andrew.
Andrew was gay. Neil found out about it soon enough and it never bothered him. He never bought anyone in their dorm and was pretty mindful of his privacy.
After almost a year of living together, he and Andrew had started some sort of routine. Neil would wake up first to go for a run, then, after coming home, he would make coffee for both of them. Andrew would greet him with a grunt, hair all messy and eyes barely open, his blanket wrapped around him making him seem smaller. They would then have breakfast in complete silence. Then it was time for classes, lunch at the cafeteria and they would both be back in the afternoon.
Sometimes Andrew would go to the gym and Neil would hang out with Matt or Kevin.
More often, Neil and Andrew would sit together on the couch watching some trashy reality show.
Neil favorite part of the day thought was the nights.
Andrew and Neil rarely slept all night, both plagued by nightmares. In those sleepless moments, they would talk with each other, trading secrets, truths and anecdotes from their pasts.
That was when Neil could see Andrew for who he really was. It was like a wall was lifted and every time, Neil was able to see a little more, was able to really understand Andrew and his thoughts.
Now, he was kind of avoiding him.
Two weeks ago, Neil classes got cancelled and instead of hanging off the campus, he decided to go back home to rest after a particularly rough night. That, apparently, was a bad idea.
After opening the door, the scene that welcomed him was one he would rather forget.
A guy was pinned by the wall near their kitchen, and Andrew was kissing him. His hand was moving towards the belt of the stranger and at first, they didn’t seem to have heard the door opening. It was just a couple of seconds thought, as Andrew quickly noticed him and tore himself off the guy as if he was burned.
Neil didn’t really know what to think. In that moment, his mind was running in circles, no words were forming, no thoughts. There was a small spark of pain in his chest, something uncomfortable was building up. He was starting to feel annoyed, angry, he was starting to feel... hurt?
Neil was going to throw up.
It was Andrew who broke the silence.
“I thought you had classes until 2 p.m. today.” he said while taking a step towards Neil and away from the stranger.
“Yeah uh-” Neil blinked, trying to understand what was happening. “Classes were cancelled. Sorry, I didn’t know you had company. I can go.” Neil was already walking backwards towards the door, his hands tightening their grip on his bag.
“Don’t be an idiot.” Andrew’s gaze was focused on him. He felt hot under his stare.
“Well, I- actually, I have to meet Matt so... I’ll go now, have fun!” without waiting for an answer, Neil got out and ran towards the staircase.
“Have fun? Really?” Neil groaned and cringed internally, putting a hand on his chest. “What is wrong with me?”.
Hands already in his bag, he called Matt as he was going down the stairs and arranged for them to meet at a coffee shop near the campus.
He tried to be as normal as possible the following days. Whatever “normal” would entail in his case.
They went on with their routine and Andrew didn’t seem to notice anything strange with his behavior.
Everything was fine.
Except that Neil couldn't stop thinking about it.
Couldn't stop thinking about that guy, about Andrew. Every time Andrew went out, Neil would think about him with other people. Andrew kissing someone else, Andrew touching someone else.
Andrew, Andrew, Andrew.
The thought made him feel so bad he wanted to throw up.
It happened again a week later.
This time, they were all out at Eden's, a club where Andrew and his family usually went every other friday night.
Andrew and Neil were, as always, sitting in their booth while Nicky and Aaron were off dancing and Kevin was home, studying for an upcoming test.
Neil and Andrew were left alone and were idly chatting. He didn't usually drink, and Andrew was slowly nursing his one drink of the night. Neil had a soda in his hands, the ice slowly melting, but he didn’t mind. His focus was all on Andrew as their conversation started going off the rail, going from talking about their friends to an hypothetical zombie apocalypse.
Neil was having fun.
Everything was going great.
Then, Andrew got up to refill their drinks, since Nicky was coming back for his third round of shots. As Neil was starting to get up too, to go help Andrew with the trays, Andrew stopped him with his hand.
"Stay here. Keep an eye on them."
It wasn't unusual for Andrew to go alone so Neil relented and sat down again. He gave Andrew a slow nod and watched him disappear into the crowd.
Minutes passed by and Neil was getting antsy. Nicky was now sprawled across the booth, pouting while he waited for Andrew to come back. Neil started to tap his finger on the sticky table.
Andrew was taking a bit too long. Was Roland being particularly chatty tonight?
Ten minutes went by, then fifteen, and when Aaron too came back to the booth, Neil decided that enough time passed for him to go check on Andrew.
Neil made his way through the crowd, avoiding elbows and intoxicated people until he reached the bar.
Unexpectedly Andrew was not there.
Of course, Neil's mind quickly summoned the worst possible scenario, but he tried not to panic, thinking of where he could have gone. Out for a smoke, maybe?
Neil decided to go check out, just to be sure, but as he was making his way to the back door, Andrew was coming out of one of the staff's rooms.
They both stopped.
If Andrew was surprised to see him, he didn't let it show on his face. A blank canvas as always.
Neil took in his appearance. Andrew’s hair was slightly disheveled, his lips were a bright pink and his eyes a little glossy.
Neil's heart skipped a bit.
Just as Neil was opening his mouth to ask him about his disappearance, Roland popped up behind Andrew’s shoulder.
"Everything's alright?" He asked while his gaze went back and forth between Andrew and Neil.
This seemed to unstuck Andrew, who just shaked his shoulders and stepped to the side to let him pass through.
"Alright well. Andrew, you know where to find me if you want to have fun again." Roland winked before going back to the bar.
"I'm sorry." Neil said. Andrew raised one eyebrow in question.
"You were taking a bit too long and I thought maybe you needed help with the drinks or something."
He played with his fingers. Neil didn't really know what to feel. He wasn't that obvious that he didn't understand what Roland was implying. Or the way Andrew looked. He thought about the implications of it. Roland kissing Andrew. Were they doing more in the back? Had Roland touched him anywhere else? Is that why they needed the privacy of a staff's room?
Suddenly, Neil felt really uncomfortable. He didn't like what his mind was conjuring up.
Images of Andrew and Roland were filling his mind and a trickly sensation was creeping up his neck.
"Or something" Andrew repeated, pulling out Neil from his reveries.
He looked almost bored, but his gaze never left Neil's. There was something calculating in his stare, like he was trying to solve something.
Neil shook his head, trying to empty it.
"Well, we better get going. Nicky and Aaron are waiting." Neil was quick to turn around, his instinct telling him to run run run.
He couldn't let Andrew suspect that something was wrong. Nothing was wrong. Neil was fine and he was going to solve this problem, one way or another.
Turns out that while Neil was a skilled liar, he couldn't hide himself that well from Andrew's inquisitive gaze.