Chapter Text
“Not all dreams vanish with sleep.
Some stay. Some breathe.”
As soon as Aventurine learned to write, he tried to describe what little he remembered from his childhood. From the soft way her sister used to talk to him to the way the heat of the sun felt on his skin. But he learned too late, and he remembered too little.
And after all, Kakavasha was no longer there; he had died with them. To whom could Aventurine grant permission to examine his most cherished memories?
Consequently, Aventurine was left devoid of stories to recall or mementos to linger on. No amount of money, fancy earrings, or expensive coats would change that.
The man was no longer one, just a vessel of bittersweet pride and gut-wrenching guilt.
Aventurine did not have the fancy of trying to remember for years; he worked, gambled away the money he earned, and kept on working, waiting for the day all of this masquerade would come to a halt, when his mother goddess’s blessing would finally let go and everything would turn dark.
That was Penacony. Or so he thought. When the emanator struck at him, Aventurine thought he would gladly accept the death he sought so hard. But he couldn't let go of Kakavasha, he couldn't let go of what made Kakavasha.
Was it all he needed ? Memories ?
Aventurine woke up, but he felt even more lost than he was before this mission.
Aventurine may have started to walk more slowly, but life kept accelerating. Nihility clung to him like a shadow. Aventurine’s thoughts were a mess, his body a shackle, and he had to fight tooth and nail just to keep his eyes open.
He stood at his trial like a dead man at the gates of purgatory, not even acknowledging the delicate balance that would determine his fate. All he could think about was that little kid who had his feet plunged into the river of the underworld but eyes more alive than ever.
Maybe the entire experience was for the entertainment of Aha's eyes. To want something your whole life and still find it in you not to pursue the endless rest. All for carefully crafted lies, and a note from someone who’s more than an acquaintance, but still far from a friend.
His luck smiled on him again during the trial and continued to guide him on the missions that followed Penacony.
But Aventurine was restless, and all he wanted was to sleep.
***
Aventurine finally managed to come home after one week of non-stop work. Feeling guilty about the cake cats that will jump on him as soon as he steps foot in his apartment, he went shopping for high-quality foods as an apology. The cats will eat for him. Since Penacony, Aventurine had trouble tasting food and found no comfort in eating.
The archway of the grocery store was truly unique. The door was framed by detailed columns that reminded him of something Ratio would appreciate. For a second, he imagined the doctor beside him, analyzing what planetary architecture had inspired the columns. When the man was deep in thought and his eyes lost focus, Aventurine often took the opportunity to properly observe him.
The way his jaw tensed while thinking was devastatingly attractive. Aventurine’s eyes always lingered on the delicate features of his neck, then followed the lines of his shoulders. He had never once questioned Ratio’s habit of making statues of himself. No photo could possibly do him justice.
Aventurine tried his best, and failed, not to indulge in thoughts of the good doctor. After reading the message that allowed him to take the first step into the waking world, he felt more than embarrassed by the effect the vial had on him.
He and Veritas were not friends, merely colleagues, and the doctor had made his disdain for the gambler quite clear. At least, that’s what Aventurine thought, until that stupid message made his heart spike with unfamiliar emotion.
It was unexpected. Some bitter part of him even believed Ratio’s acting was too good to be entirely false. But vial in hand, Aventurine couldn’t deny they might be closer than he thought.
This terrifying revelation led to Aventurine longing to see him, but he didn't feel like making up an excuse for it, and if not dishonesty, what else could he offer him ?
He couldn’t possibly offer companionship or friendship. For all he had learned, Aventurine knew nothing but deceit.
That night, after unabating apologies to the cats, Aventurine went to his bed, thumb hovering over his phone, eyes glued to the latest series of messages between him and Ratio.
“Do not take unnecessary risks, gambler. My role is to help you get through this unscathed.” The doctor wrote before the mission even began.
Aventurine, the idiot that he is, answered casually, “This is definitely not your job. Whatever happens, the IPC will not take it upon the Intelligentsia Guild because of a small obstacle. I know what I’m doing.”
The doctor truly deserved a raise for putting up with him. Aventurine didn’t know what to say to him after everything that had transpired. He only hoped Ratio would find it in himself to forgive him, for the role he was assigned and for the abrupt end of his carefully concealed plan.
It was the first time Aventurine was truly allowed to sleep since Penacony, and all he could see before slipping into darkness was purple hair gilded with laurels.
***
He opened his eyes to a flower field, dandelions surrounding him. He knew it was a dream, but couldn’t remember the last time he had imagined something so serene.
It was beautiful, undeserved perhaps, but he couldn’t help but appreciate it. He took in the orange sky that warmed his skin and the river of yellow petals swirling around him.
For a second, it reminded him of the desert of Sigonia. He didn’t remember much, but the absence of construction and the almost sacred silence, waiting for the rain to fall, had given him a strange sense of home.
The sun seemed to linger at his feet, the heat surrounding him from head to toe. He felt vulnerable, like that boy on the brink of death, naive and hopeful and amazed by the sun.
But he paused at the familiar sensation in his body.
It was warm, like his sister’s touch, like the sun in Sigonia, like a loved one’s gentle caress. He recognized what it was, but couldn’t believe he was feeling it again. After all this time, he had finally remembered what it was like to be touched with care.
Arms wrapped around his torso, and Aventurine didn’t try to escape them. He let himself fall back against the chest behind him. It was so soft, it made him want to cry. He should have turned to see who was holding him, but he didn’t want to. He didn’t need to. He recognized him from the embrace.
Ratio. Veritas Ratio. Height-PhD Ratio. Doctor. His doctor.
The same man he had thought about before falling asleep was now behind him, in a bed of flowers, far from any city, any planet, any organization.
If he turned, everything would disappear. The warmth would fade. The good would turn ugly, just like Aventurine’s own soul.
“Ratio ?” he asked, voice so small he wasn’t sure the man had heard him.
He was going to break this peaceful scene; he couldn’t use Ratio like this. He couldn’t allow himself to entertain the idea of gentleness. It wouldn’t be fair, to make someone remind him of tenderness only to take it away.
Aventurine’s rotten heart will have to rip off the bandage himself because he won’t use Ratio to hurt him.
But Veritas Ratio, for all he claimed to be, was nothing but gentle. Not in words, like Aventurine could be when he wanted something. No, Veritas was gentle in the way he looked at him. The young man could see that now, as he turned to face him, finding dawn and reverie in his eyes, the same things he used to chase with his sister like a madman.
He moved slowly, afraid of scaring the doctor away. He felt disoriented and powerless, but the doctor's gaze held together the last few fragments Aventurine had left.
More than that, he recognized what he saw in those eyes quicker than he had expected.
It was love.
He didn’t know the extent of it, but he knew it. He had seen it before. Felt it.
When Aventurine thought of love, on the rare occasions he indulged in the thought, he thought of his sister’s gentle hands stroking his cheeks, her sweet voice lulling him to sleep, and the song she hummed on hard days to soothe him.
But as of today, Aventurine still thought of her… but he also thought of eyes reflecting the colors of the sky, eyes that gaze upon him with surprising kindness.
“Yes ?” Instead of responding with a sudden movement and a falling silence, his arms tightened around Aventurine. It was a quiet reassurance. His voice gently cut through the tangle of thoughts the gambler had plunged into. If Aventurine had been anyone else, someone worthy of a moment like this, he would have closed his eyes and stayed there, basking in the feeling of being cared for.
And so he cried as he pulled away from the embrace. It was quick and embarrassing and everything he didn’t want anyone to see, but the tears fell on their own. He couldn’t even look at Ratio in this state.
He wasn’t the real Veritas, but here, in this field, he felt more real than ever. And that was terrifying.
“Aventurine?” the man said again as he moved closer. “What’s wrong? Do you need something?” Large hands cupped Aventurine’s face, gently tilting it toward the source of such compassion. His thumbs carefully wiped away the evidence.
His voice remained steady and calm, but it carried a softness Aventurine wasn’t used to.
“Are you in pain?” he asked again, still cradling him as if distance might burn him.
Aventurine shook his head. Ratio moved in and kissed his temple with the same gentleness he held his face with. He hummed softly, the vibration echoing through Aventurine’s entire body.
More tears came, but Aventurine leaned into him, pressing his head against his shoulder. He knew he shouldn’t stay, shouldn’t indulge in this feeling.
How could a dream be both punishment and blessing?
It was cruel. It was sweet. It was everything he knew of Ratio.
“Thank you…” he whispered into his shoulder.
Ratio hugged him in response, resting his head in the crook of Aventurine’s neck, right over the tattoo he had once longed to rip out.
The world faded to black as Aventurine clung to his dearest doctor.
***
He had a meeting with Jade, which shouldn’t have been a problem, but after the dream he’d had the night before, Aventurine didn’t think he could look anyone in the eyes.
It was more embarrassing than any wet dream could ever be, because this one had felt too real, too raw, and too honest to simply be forgotten.
“Topaz and I have negotiations to make at Radiant Feldspar. Care to join us, child?”
Usually, their meetings took place in less frequented locations, but Jade seemed relaxed as she sat across from him, two freshly poured coffees in hand.
Aventurine couldn’t say the same. Even after his trial had ended and his new mission was complete, his shoulders remained tense. His coat almost held the shape of the hanger it came from; he always seemed on alert.
Last night’s illusion was the main culprit.
“If you, Miss Jade, need me, I’m not going to say n-” Aventurine began to answer, taking the cup she offered him, but she cut him off.
“I know you haven’t really had time to breathe since waking up at the hospital, but the view there is splendid. And it would allow you to see your favorite doctor again.”
“Well, I can’t say no to you, but…”
Aventurine scrambled for an excuse. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to see Ratio. In fact, he had longed to see him before falling asleep.
But he couldn’t help feeling guilty. He had used the doctor’s image to satisfy a buried need he hadn’t even known he missed.
A man of such renown, with far more admirers than Aventurine had haters (however many that might be), and whose intelligence made even the scholars of Veritas Prime envious...
If he hadn’t been able to stand him before, he would surely despise him now.
Jade watched him silently as he carefully considered how to decline her offer. She didn’t look away as he brought the cup to his lips, and she certainly noticed the way his hands trembled slightly.
“He has been asking for you, you know? “ She said softly, then turned her gaze to the window beside her. “But I’m sure you have things to do, or at the very least you should rest a bit. It’s okay, you won’t be needed.”
Aventurine knew he was needed there.
The cowboy ranger who’d wanted his head the previous week had already spoken to him about Radiant Feldspar. He had hoped they could properly talk there.
But Aventurine was being selfish. Perhaps he could find another way?
“Take care,” Jade said as she stood, nodding at him once before walking away as swiftly as she had come, deciding for both of them that the conversation was over.
By take care, she probably meant bed rest or lazy paperwork, but Aventurine still wanted to get in contact with Boothill without having to face Ratio. And because luck was always on his side, he quickly came up with an idea.
***
As it turned out, the idea wasn’t that brilliant.
He had thought that showing up as a hologram would solve all his problems. He could talk to Boothill, say hello to the Nameless, and avoid Ratio. It wasn’t like the man was actively looking for him.
But he couldn’t help when Sparkle pulled her awful prank. He couldn’t help when everyone’s lives were in danger. And now that everything had settled, the doctor had started asking about his whereabouts.
He wasn’t going to avoid him forever.
It would look suspicious if the man he used to bother relentlessly suddenly cut all contact for no reason. Even while gambling with his life, Aventurine had never been as nervous as he was because of that dream.
It was idiotic to overthink it. He knew that. But he couldn’t help it. He didn’t want to think about him, and yet he could still feel the warmth of Ratio’s hand.
So he decided to hide his hand behind his back and started walking toward the doctor.
The man was near the stairs at the far end of the boat, standing still and staring at his phone, deep in thought. As soon as he heard the sound of Aventurine’s heels tapping the floor, he lifted his head and met the gambler’s gaze.
“Not even saying hello to your injured partner, doc?” Aventurine knew it wasn’t a fair question, but he preferred pretending to be casual over acknowledging whatever childish avoidance game he’d been playing until now.
“You do not seem that injured,” the man replied, scanning Aventurine from head to toe.
Aventurine had noticed this long ago, but when Ratio looked him over, it never felt like the judgmental stares he was used to.
When Ratio’s eyes trailed over him, it wasn’t with suspicion. It was… something else.
“Yes, I know. I was hoping for a vacation after that whole stunt, but I looked too good. They put me back to work the moment I woke up.” Aventurine deflected.
He wasn’t about to say that most of the damage Penacony had done to him wasn’t physical.
He wasn’t going to admit that now, more than ever, he longed for his sister’s gentle touch.
And he definitely wasn’t going to say that he had used Ratio, even subconsciously, as a vessel for those missing affections.
“So I heard. I tried to go to the hospital, but…”
Aventurine’s heart squeezed at that. He knew the doctor always had a mountain of work, so he hadn’t questioned why no one had been there when he woke up in that cold room.
“I was already in a trial, deciding my fate?” he offered with a forced smile, cutting off Ratio’s frown. “So tell me. Did you enjoy my Penacony performance?”
They wouldn’t mention the vial. Or the note that had made Aventurine believe, for just a moment, that someone out there wanted him alive. Or the message that had made him think, maybe I’m worth more .
Still, a selfish part of him wanted to know what Ratio thought of everything that had happened.
“I will not answer that,” the doctor said, eyes narrowing. What I don’t know won’t hurt me , Aventurine thought, as Ratio added. “However, I’m glad you look well, gambler.”
Aventurine was taken aback by the honesty in the doctor’s voice.
The deliberate glance Ratio gave him reminded him far too much of what he had been trying to avoid all day. Was he expecting Aventurine to bring up the message?
“Ah.” It was the only response he could muster. It was too soon to bring up anything else. The hologram began to flicker as a message popped up: battery low. What timing. Bless his goddess. “Battery’s low. My cue to leave, I guess.”
Ratio looked oddly disappointed. He stepped toward the fading image quickly.
“Before you go, I asked Jade to assign us both to the Veritas Prime procurement. Your input would be greatly appreciated. I was looking to tell you more about it before realizing you weren’t even on the boat.”
Oh. So that’s why he had been looking for him? The dream really had messed with Aventurine’s head, if he had thought for even a second that Ratio simply wanted to check on him. Maybe Jade’s earlier words had made things worse, but now he felt foolish for ever entertaining the idea.
Still, he was surprised. After everything that had happened in Penacony, Ratio still wanted to work with him?
“No rest for the brave, I guess. We could have just texted, you know?” He smiled and glanced at his flickering image, the battery warning flashing. “Tell Topaz and Miss Jade I said goodbye. I didn’t think this thing would only last two hours.”
Ratio nodded and opened his mouth to say something else, but the hologram cut out.
Aventurine was left alone in his office.
***
If Aventurine thought last night's dream was a one-time occurrence that would haunt him for long, he thought wrong. Because there was Ratio standing in front of him, his usual attire left at home for the suit he wore on their first meeting, kindly smiling at him.
Looking at him at this moment, Aventurine realized how little difference there was between this Ratio compared to the real one. His gaze was still as sharp as ever, and he was still carrying himself with grace and charisma. What was different was the smile he harbored on his face, a smile that Aventurine could only see glimpses of on a normal basis. This one was intended for him, and it was throwing him off.
They were in the Golden Hour of Penacony; it was as lively as Aventurine remembered. The street was busy around them, but sounds were lacking their usual annoying loudness. It was like they were in their own little bubble in the center of the place but far away from everyone and everything. His gaze returned to the professor. Ratio was still standing in front of him, perhaps waiting for Aventurine to do something and make a move towards him.
“Does being here again bring back bad memories ?” The doctor asked as Aventurine approached him.
“Not really. Penacony was much more entertaining than other missions I had, you know.” Aventurine shrugged. Golden Hour was a sight for sore eyes, and he was not going to complain.
“Do you die in every single one of them ?”
Something shifted in the surrounding air, maybe because of the grave tone of Ratio or the heavy subject, but whatever lightness Aventurine was feeling disappeared in an instant.
“I did not die.” Aventurine said, defensive. Even if it meant dreaming of the doctor for the second time, he had hoped to be confronted with the same tenderness that he had encountered last night. He didn't want this conversation.
“You almost did, like you almost died at this trial I only heard of when it was over, and like in every occurrence, we had to partner up.”
“If working together is such a hassle to you, why did you not file a complaint about it? Jade would certainly hear you.” Aventurine was taking steps back from the doctor; this was not where he envisioned this dream going; it was unnerving. “And did you or did you not ask for me for this next mission on Veritas Prime ?” His accusatory tone allowed him to shield himself from Ratio.
His heart was throbbing, and his palms grew sweaty as he reached for his pocket to hide their trembling. The flower field of the night before was beginning to feel like a sick joke when all he saw in Ratio as of right now was cold criticism.
“That's-that's different.” Strange, Ratio was not a man to stutter. “Gambler, you need to look for a safer way to handle your mission. At this rhythm, I fear you will wither away, and how can I help when you’re somewhere I cannot reach ?”
“I don't need your help. You and your savior complex are not welcome to criticize the way I handle my life.” Ratio's eyes grew wider as he opened his mouth to rebuke whatever Aventurine had said that shocked him. “It is mine, and it is the only thing that belongs to me. I earned the right to do whatever pleases me with it.” Aventurine’s voice was growing louder, as the doctor remained as stoic as ever.
There was a pause; Aventurine could only hear his shaky breathing as he watched him. Ratio’s head hung low, looking directly towards the ground at his feet.
“And what pleases you is hurting yourself ?” his interlocutor finally answered, his voice hoarse as if asking was the equivalent of getting punched in the face.
“What pleases me is not having someone looking after me with so much pity and sorrow that I could drown in it.” Aventurine was still moving away from Ratio. That wasn’t what he wanted. How did this conversation escalate as quickly as it did ?
“That's not what it is. Can you listen to me instead of just hearing me ?” The doctor was looking frustrated, his hands begging Aventurine to not get too far away, reaching in the air between them.
“Oh, but I’m hearing you plainly, doc. Were you waiting for my return so you could just rebuke all of my decisions ?”
“I'm only worried, Aventurine !” Ratio exclaimed before returning his voice to a neutral tone. “That's all there is to it. I do not wish to see you hurt like you think I might. It was my mistake to approach the subject; I apologize.” His last words were whispered. Ratio raised his head, imploring Aventurine with his eyes.
“You-” Aventurine thoughts were running wild, last minute he was talking with the real ratio, hiding behind a screen, and now he was in front of one whose honesty leaked off every of his pore. Aventurine didn’t know what to do with honesty; he never knew what to do with it. Part of him knew in some way that the real doctor cared for him, at least enough to have given him that note. But right now he was cornered with the raw reality of it.
Or was it ?
For a second, Aventurine merged reality and dream to form one single Ratio. The one in front of him was the fake one, the caring one, the same one that held his face between his palms and the one that visibly worried about his well-being.
So does that mean this slight conflict was intended for the real Ratio, the one who wants to save every single poor soul that crosses his path and, by extension, the terrible life of his colleague Aventurine ?
Dream Ratio was still looking at him, eyes begging for Aventurine to stay here and not flee like Aventurine always does.
“I’m sorry, Ratio, it's not you I’m angry at. I don't know what came over me… It’s just since Penacony I-”
“No, please don’t apologize; I pushed you to a corner with my questions. It was unfair of me.” Ratio seems so earnest, and in the face of such a sight, Aventurine can only fold to it.
He recalls the way Ratio had taken Aventurine’s hand the first night, and he does the same as he closes the gap between them. Holding the delicate but strong hands between his rough palms and taking them in between their faces, so both pairs of eyes are fixed on the same view. Ratio’s breath hitches as Aventurine squeezes his hands. For a second he thinks he did too much, that maybe this Ratio isn’t really the same one as their last dream, but Ratio only smiles fondly at him and guides their hands towards him. He then rests his forehead on them.
“You are the death of me, Aventurine,” he says tenderly as he looks towards him behind the strands of hair that fall in front of his face.
Aventurine could point out the irony of Ratio talking about death when it was the point in their conversation that visibly irritated him, but his voice is stuck in his throat. Oh, he understands what the man is saying right now because Aventurine feels the same.
***
Consciousness in dreams is a rare occurrence. At least, that’s what a quick search told Aventurine on his way to work. It can happen, but few remember every detail. Not everyone dreams while knowing it’s just their imagination.
That’s why most people turn to dream bubbles, driven by curiosity and the desire to explore their subconscious. It’s understandable that dream bubbles are one of Penacony’s most attractive products.
Still, Aventurine would rather be six feet underground than own a reminder of his time with Dream Ratio.
In his case, he remembered both dreams vividly. Too vividly. Which was strange, since Aventurine never really knew what his dreams were about.
If he’d had the chance to relive anything from the start, he would’ve liked to see his sister’s face again.
The color of her eyes had long since faded. He only remembered her long blond hair, similar to his own. When he tried to picture her, her face had his eyes, Mama's voice and Kakavasha’s smile.
Pure, naive, and long gone from this world.
He couldn’t even remember her name.
The notes he had written long ago, scribbled on wrinkled paper now damaged by time, only described things Kakavasha thought he might forget. The color of the sky, the feeling of rain on soaked clothes, the taste of fresh bread. The young man had never imagined he could forget his sister.
Aventurine owed him so many apologies.
He entered his office with his usual smile, but lacked the energy behind it. He’d never been close to his subordinates, so he knew no one would ask. Those dreams drained him faster than his device’s battery.
Even Topaz noticed something was off. She handed him a cup of coffee on her way to a meeting. They weren’t close. She wasn’t kind to him usually.
So if even she pitied him, he must have looked dead on his feet.
He sipped the bitter drink as he stared at his inbox. He had expected updates on Ratio’s project or maybe a message from Jade. Nothing from either of them.
Perhaps it was for the best. The last two days had been overwhelmingly filled with Ratio.
He wouldn’t mind a break, or his head might explode.
“I see you had a good night’s rest.”
Aventurine recognized the voice immediately. He also knew he had just jinxed himself into making the doctor appear.
He looked up from his monitor to see Ratio closing the door behind him and walking toward his desk. It was unfair how good the man always looked. Healthy, composed, focused.
Aventurine, by contrast, felt like a zombie.
He bit his tongue before he could even think of replying with a sarcastic, “ I'll rest when I'm dead .” He wasn’t in the mood for that terrain, especially after the “conversation” with Dream Ratio.
“Nothing a good coffee can’t fix,” Aventurine said instead, raising his cup with a smile. “To what do I owe the pleasure of a visit from my favorite doctor?”
He knew it was probably about the project Ratio had mentioned the night before, but he liked the way the doctor reacted to his playful tone. The way his ears flushed slightly, one of the reasons he probably preferred hiding behind that alabaster mask of his.
But for some reason, he never used it around Aventurine.
To his surprise, Ratio didn’t scowl. He smiled before quickly regaining his usual composure. It was brief, but Aventurine saw it. And it reminded him so much of Dream Ratio.
He forced himself to focus as the doctor began speaking.
“Veritas Prime is entering a contract with the IPC. My homeland has a wealth of resources, but they’ve lost contact with some planets they trade with. As a representative of the Intelligentsia Guild, and as someone born there, I was asked to secure a favorable deal. Jade, however, believes the current terms don’t benefit the IPC enough. I was hoping you and I could find a middle ground.”
So Ratio had personally asked to work with him again. Aventurine didn’t want to dwell on the idea, but the thought made his palms sweaty.
“Well, we’ll need to find something on your planet that catches the IPC’s attention. Taxes are the standard trade move, sure, but finances rarely interest this corporation.” Aventurine knew that firsthand. Weapons and specialized products were more valuable than money in IPC dealings. “You know more than you’re letting on, doctor. What can I expect to find on your planet?”
Aventurine’s gaze locked with the soft amber tones in Ratio’s eyes. The doctor didn’t look surprised by the question. In fact, he looked rather pleased.
“I have no idea what you’re talking about, gambler. But if you think there’s something worth investigating, feel free to explore Veritas Prime from top to bottom.”
So that meant they were traveling again. Aventurine wasn’t exactly thrilled. He could already imagine the cake cats’ faces when he told them.
“You sound confident, Ratio. I hope this trip won’t be for nothing.”
“I’m sure it won’t be, dear gambler.”
Ratio took his leave, a quiet smile on his lips. Was it the dreams messing with Aventurine’s mind, or had the doctor become more expressive since Penacony? Had something good happened to him?
Aventurine frowned at the thought. He hadn’t heard of anything that would explain it. But it wasn’t a bad change.
In fact, he found himself quite fond of that smile.
***
Going to sleep was becoming more exciting than gambling at a casino. The thought hit Aventurine hard when he got into bed early.
This wasn’t like him at all. He was a little too curious about what tonight’s dream would bring.
Would it finally stop? Or would he meet his doctor again and fall once more into the warmth and gentleness he craved so badly?
Aventurine was willing to bet on the latter.
He opened his eyes to a bed. For a second, panic seized him. Had he woken up without remembering the dream? But no. It was a bed, yes, but not his bed.
The mattress was soft beneath him, but what struck him most was the hand combing gently through his hair.
Ah. So he had won his bet.
“Ratio, what-” He turned his head toward the man. His voice got caught in his throat. That touch reminded him too much of his sister.
The sensation was so familiar that Aventurine suddenly remembered something from his childhood, as clearly as if it were happening now.
Kakavasha had fallen ill under the heat of the sun. His mind was hazy, his limbs weak, his throat dry. He had thought he might die.
He was curled up on a bed when his sister approached him with water in hand. He was terrified.
“Oh, Kakavasha,” she had said. He remembered the softness of her voice as she sat beside him and stroked his hair.
“You’re okay. It’s going to pass. You’re okay...”
He had struggled to sleep through the pain, but as soon as she got close and took his little hand in hers, his body had finally relaxed.
He remembered thinking of that moment while lying on the cold floor of a prison cell, trying to fall asleep.
How could he have forgotten?
“Aventurine?” Ratio’s hand had paused. Aventurine didn’t know why, until he felt a tear slide down his cheek.
Ratio looked worried. His eyes followed the movement of the tear, and Aventurine melted under the weight of that gaze.
“Ratio, Ratio, Ratio…” He said the name like a prayer, sitting up beside him.
He took the doctor’s hand in both of his, surprised at how quickly he’d come to crave this touch. “Ratio, can… Can I tell you about my sister?”
Ratio looked more than surprised. He clearly didn’t know about her. Not even this dream version seemed to know that Aventurine’s real name wasn’t Aventurine.
He seemed stunned by the sudden intimacy.
“Yes. Yes, of course,” he said, his hand trembling slightly in Aventurine’s grip, but not pulling away. “Anything you want.”
“It’s not much, since I barely remember my childhood. But…” Aventurine intertwined their fingers to stop his own from shaking. “She was gentle. And just like you, she used to comb my hair when I needed it most.”
“You needed it?”
“I didn’t know how much I missed this…” He glanced toward the hand in his hair, then back to Ratio’s face. “Until Penacony.”
Ratio narrowed his eyes slightly, processing.
“I see. And did you remember her just now ?”
“Yes, I'm ashamed of how much I forgot.”
“Don’t be ashamed, Aventurine.” Ratio’s hand twitched, as if wanting to return to his hair. Aventurine smiled at the thought. “It’s a natural response to trauma. I’m still glad you were able to recall something like that. I have no doubt she adored you.”
His hand left Aventurine’s grip just long enough to caress his cheek. Just like I do remained unspoken, but Aventurine understood.
“Your touch reminds me of her.”
Ratio beamed at that.
He ran his thumbs gently under Aventurine’s eyes, wiping away the last traces of tears. Aventurine closed his eyes, savoring the touch. He felt lips pressed softly against his temple.
The world started to blur again, and for the first time, he thought seriously about never leaving. But it was Ratio who faded first.
***
Aventurine woke up, already missing him.
The realization was mortifying.
Because the person he missed wasn’t even real. He couldn’t believe the first time he talked about his sister was to a projection of his subconscious.
If Ratio ever found out… If he knew how Aventurine imagined him before sleep, how he tried to prolong his dreams just to feel the warmth of someone described by others as cold and calculating… If he knew that Aventurine had hugged himself while pretending it was the doctor’s arms… He would never look him in the eye again. He’d grunt in disgust. Not only that, but he would make sure to never cross paths with someone like Aventurine again.
They were worlds apart. While Aventurine had learned to kill to survive, the doctor had probably been studying another elegant theory to earn one of his eight PhDs.
While his reputation clung more to his blood than his actions: the last Avgin, dragged from the chains of servitude into a myth people preferred to romanticize than respect; Ratio’s renown came from what he gave to the universe.
It was humiliating. Aventurine couldn’t believe what was finally driving him to madness.
He had flirted with insanity all his life. And yet, it was the professor who tipped the balance.
Dreaming of Ratio three nights in a row couldn’t be a coincidence. Was it Nihility’s doing? Was he becoming obsessive? Whatever warmth he had felt was gone in an instant.
What could he do to stop this descent into madness?
Days passed quickly as he and Ratio worked on the Veritas Prime project.
But every night, Aventurine dreamed of him again. Each time, he promised himself he would distance himself, that he wouldn’t let it happen again. Each time, he failed. He was on the verge of a breakdown.
Something strange was happening. In every dream, Ratio behaved consistently, same gentleness, same presence.
But ever since Aventurine had mentioned his sister, something had changed. It was subtle, but noticeable. Ratio seemed to lack initiative now. As if even in his own imagination, Aventurine could no longer imagine how the doctor would respond.
That was terrifying in itself. Even his subconscious had run out of ideas.
But more than anything, Aventurine just wanted to stop. To rest without being haunted by warmth that wasn't his.
When the day of their departure came, he was visibly exhausted. Ratio didn’t comment, but his eyes betrayed a quiet concern. Maybe the dreams had helped Aventurine read him better.
Or maybe he was just biased now.
He didn’t want to dwell on it. He sat beside the doctor, waiting for the warp to start. It was torture to act normal. All he could think about was Ratio’s hands on his waist and lips on his temple.
“Are you okay, Aventurine?”
“Hm.” He nodded without looking up and slumped further into his seat.
He wouldn’t tell him the truth. He wouldn’t say that the man he wished was sitting there wasn’t the real Ratio, but someone who wore the same face.
Ratio opened his mouth, hesitated, then looked down at his feet. He went back and forth between glancing at Aventurine and avoiding his gaze before finally acting. Aventurine, too tired to care, didn’t pay attention. Until he felt a hand press against his forehead.
His mind went blank. Physical contact.
He should have been used to it by now, with the dreams and all. But he still flinched at the real thing.
What was more disturbing was that Ratio’s touch was just as gentle as his dream counterpart’s. When Aventurine didn’t move, the doctor immediately pulled his hand back, guilt in his eyes.
“You looked unwell. I just wanted to-”
Aventurine cut off the apology with a slow movement. He was too drained to fake his usual charm, too tired to maintain the mask. Instead, he reached out, took Ratio’s hand, and pressed it back to his face. He heard the doctor drew a sharp breath.
“And what’s the diagnosis?” He forced a smile.
The doctor’s hand was cool against his forehead, and it felt strangely comforting before Ratio’s eyes widened.
“Gambler, you’re burning up.”
Oh? So that explained the fatigue. Aventurine closed his eyes and leaned into the touch without thinking, Ratio’s hand was trembling as he did so.
“You should rest. Sleep for a while. I’ll wake you when we arrive.” His voice was soft, and his hand remained where it was. In a moment like this, it was almost impossible to tell him apart from the man in the dreams.
But Aventurine couldn’t possibly fall asleep beside him. What if he talked in his sleep? What if Ratio found out?
“No, I can’t just sleep, it’s-”
“You’ll feel better afterward. I promise.”
He couldn’t do much else than follow his dear doctor’s order.
***
This time, he was not facing Ratio. Aventurine should have been glad about it, but it felt like a heavy weight had settled on his heart at the realization that whatever it was had eventually ended.
He would have recognized this place in a second. The river and the sky were as dark as an eclipse. There was also this sense of pull towards death that filled him with dread.
He still saw purple hair and sharp eyes walking toward him, but not Ratio’s.
“Miss… Acheron?”
The woman looked at him, conflict visible in her gaze. She seemed at war, and her frown only deepened as she approached Aventurine.
“Traces of Nihility cling to you. Never once has someone entered the deep end of death and managed to live on freely.”
He was not surprised. It wouldn’t have been his life if it didn’t put him through trials every second.
“I have known worse. What can I do?”
She seemed to have expected his nonchalance, but it clearly displeased her.
“When you fooled death itself in Penacony, it was because of your sole desire to escape it. Why is this same desire so frail today?”
“I don't understand?”
“You wanted to live. That’s what took you out of the darkness.” She stared straight into his eyes, trying to decipher the slightest flaw in Aventurine’s mask.
“Well, that, maybe, but also because of the help of a knight in shining armor.” He weakly joked, while Acheron raised an eyebrow at that. “Literally.”
“Well, as of today, the will to keep going has lessened. This is why you cannot escape this endless dream.”
Endless dream? Was she talking about…
“Wait, what’s happening to me is only because of this? These wild and surreal dreams are because of my fake death?”
“Their intentions are forever unknown, and their mysteries will never be solved. But Aventurine, are those dreams really surreal?”
“Huh?” Aventurine paused, unsure of what she implied.
“Do your dreams seem so far from a possible reality? Have you not found a friend on the other side of the road?”
Had he?
“What does this have to do with Nihility clinging to me?” He deflected. He knew he deflected, but Aventurine was so used to avoidance. Confrontation shook him with fear.
“This has to do with your resolutions. Were they so fragile that they ended in the waking world? They know a lost soul when they see it. But people are waiting for you, worried about you.”
“I seriously doubt that.”
“Are you really that lost? Can you seriously not feel the cold hand on your forehead trying to soothe your torments?”
He did. And Aventurine burned under the touch.
“Can you not feel his other hand combing your hair?” She took a step toward him, making it impossible for him to run off.
Yes. Like his sister used to do when he was sick. But did he have to acknowledge it?
“Have you not seen his eyes full of care?” she continued.
In his dreams, right? She couldn’t possibly have been referencing reality. A truth so sweet could only taste like a lie.
“Aventurine. Whom do you think wrote you this note? Your subconscious, or your dearest friend?”
Ratio. He knew because he remembered clearly the doctor handing him the vial. He remembered their fingers brushing and sending sparks through his system.
“And why do you think he did that?” Acheron’s voice blurred into the silence of the place. Aventurine was left to drown in the hubbub of his mind.
Aventurine had found thousands of explanations when he saw it. The bottle, in his trembling hand, passed to him in a haste so unlike Ratio. Guilt, savior complex, business, fear of the IPC's repercussions, or even a misguided sense of duty. They all made sense when he tried to justify it at the border of life and death. But now…
“Because he cares,” Aventurine said, voice so soft, bared of any prejudice and misconception of the doctor. “Ratio cares.”
Acheron’s eyes seemed to sparkle with kindness as she smiled at him.
“He does.”
Had Aventurine managed to find a friend in someone after all this time? He felt a cold hand shift on his forehead, and he couldn’t help the sense of exhilaration passing through his veins. Would Ratio really care for him like the alternate version did?
The water at his feet started to evaporate into smoke.
“Ah. You're already waking up. I'm going to be quick.” Acheron shook him from his quiet realization. “Aventurine, there are going to be bumps on the road, but it will be okay as long as you find it in yourself not to succumb to their pull.” She took him by the shoulders, forcing him to look into her eyes.
“And can I put a stop to those dreams I keep having? It's not like they're unpleasant, they're just…” His voice was small.
“Peaceful, I know. You need to believe that whatever heaven you found in your dreams is not out of your reach.” Her fingers tightened on his shoulders. “You're going to be okay.”
Blackness filled his vision.
Aventurine woke up.