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‘It's not your fault.. Rui.. '
'This is all of my fault… It's all my fault...
I should have checked on it one more time...
Why didn't I… Why didn't I check it…
I caused this… it's my fault Tsukasa is hurt… isn't it… ‘
The famous group, Wonderland X Showtime was about ready to perform a show. A show they spent weeks, months on. Perfecting every move to make the show perfect. Rui went ahead and decided for the show to place new lights for the show. He thought it was fine. He thought it was intact. So he shouldn't worry about it right? He was wrong.
So so wrong.
He was completely wrong.
He should have checked it.
It's his fault his best friend is now laying on the hospital bed..
Rui was a complete mess. His hair was a tangled mess, His eyes red and puffy, it even seems like he hasn't slept in days, the bags under his eyes showing exactly that. He felt completely guilty. How could he have been so stupid? How could he let something like this happen? To his best friend even? The one person who he cared so much about. The one person who made him smile again. But now, because of one simple accident, a simple task he should have done, his best friend lays on the hospital bed.
‘What have I done…
This wasn't the plan…
You were supposed to be on stage… shining like a star…
You weren't supposed to get hurt because of me… ‘
Rui looked up to Tsukasa. The usually loud and cheerful boy is now laying limp and still on the bed. And it's all because of Rui. Rui felt his chest tighten as he stared at Tsukasa's still body.
‘I should have checked on it…
Why didn't I check on it…
How could I let this happen…
This is all of my fault… ‘
Rui didn't know what to say. Or what to do. Or what to think. He was completely lost. Rui looked down at the floor, lost in his thoughts. They were supposed to perform an amazing show together. They spent weeks, months preparing for that show. They put their blood and tears into making sure everything was perfect and it was all set and ready to go. They were ready to have Tsukasa be the shining star for the performance, having people cheer their names out loud. But instead, it's the complete opposite.
‘This shouldn't be happening…
If only I checked…
None of this would be happening…
You wouldn't have gotten hurt because of me… Tsukasa… ‘
Rui looked back up at Tsukasa with a pained expression. It hurts him so much to see his best friend laying down hurt like this. To see his best friend get hurt all because of him. Rui let out a shaky breath before hiding his face into his hands.
‘I should have checked on it…
Why didn't I check on it…
This is all of my fault…
Why did I add those stupid lights…‘
Rui wanted to wake up from his dream. This nightmare that was happening. He wanted to make it stop. Make his chest stop hurting, make Tsukasa stop hurting, make everything go away. He wished he had some sort of time machine, to travel back in time. To tell his past self to check the lights, or to not add it at all. He felt his chest tighten more as he felt more and more guilty. He felt the guilt weighing heavily on his shoulders. He ran his hand through this hair. All of that time practicing for the show. All of that time planning for the show. Down the drain. Wasted. It was all gone. Their efforts were worthless, and it was all because of his carelessness.
‘I'm such an idiot…
I should have never added those pathetic lights…
This is all of your fault…
This is all of your-‘
Rui suddenly felt someone place a hand on his shoulder. He flinched, but it brought him out of his thoughts. He looked up to see who it was, and it was Nene and Emu. His eyes widened. Both Emu and Nene looked at Rui with concerned glances. Emu still had her cheerful and happy look, but still showed a strong sense of concern towards both Rui and Tsukasa. Nene on the other hand, had a neutral look with her, but she still was worried about Rui and Tsukasa. She was more worried about Rui if she was being honest with herself.
‘Rui… ? Are you okay?’
Emu asked softly. She frowns as she looks at Rui's expression. Rui let out a shaky. He wasn't okay. Not one bit. He wanted to say something, anything. Let out how he was feeling. Let out what was going on in his head. But he didn't even want to talk. Not a single bit. He just stared at Tsukasa, staring at his limp body. As he stared at Tsukasa's body, he started to think again.
‘What was I thinking…
How can I be a good director if I hurt others…
I'm a horrible director…
I'm a horrible friend-’
Nene suddenly spoke up, causing Rui to snap out of his thoughts.
‘Rui… have you eaten anything or slept at all…?’
Rui was silent for a moment. He didn't know how to respond to that question. He knew if he tried to speak, letting out his shaky voice, he would break down in tears. He looked away from Emu and Nene, avoiding their looks as he looked at the floor instead.
Emu and Nene both shared a concerned look. They both knew that Rui hadn't eaten or slept at all since the incident. They knew he was blaming himself to the point of not taking care of himself. Emu sighs softly.
‘Rui… you should really eat something.. It's not good to not eat you know..? You have to take care of yourself…’
Emu shook Rui’s shoulder, trying to snap him out of what mental state he was in. She was extremely worried about Rui. She hasn't seen Rui out of it like this at all. Nene looked at Rui, frowning as she spoke.
‘Yeah.. You should eat something Rui… This isn't healthy at all for you..’
Rui stayed silent for a few minutes. He let out a shaky sigh, before speaking, his voice being strained and quiet. It was very obvious he was trying his best to hold back tears.
‘I'm not hungry… ‘
Rui mumbled. Those 3 words confirmed how bad Rui's state was. It was obvious he hasn't slept or eaten since the incident, which was days ago. Emu and Nene just sighed. They both knew how stubborn Rui was to his own health. But now it was completely different. It wasn't because of his own interest, but because that very same interest hurt his best friend.
‘I shouldn't eat…
Not after hurting Tsukasa…
I need to stay by his side anyways…
I need to make sure he doesn't leave me…’
‘Rui. You can't just not eat and think you'll be okay. Especially if you haven't eaten in days. You need to eat something.
Nene spoke in a stern tone, obviously not letting this go one bit. She cared about Rui, and she knows he shouldn't be feeling like this. Emu just nodded in agreement. Rui had a distant gaze in his eyes. He knew he should eat. He knew he should get some sleep. Yet, he couldn't bring himself to do that. He couldn't bring himself to care about eating or sleeping, not even his best friend was laying limp in that hospital bed.
‘Tsukasa probably hates me…
He'll probably just leave… just like everyone else did…
If only I had checked those lights…
This wouldn't be happening… I would still have Tsukasa… ‘
Rui's eyes were glued to the floor, as he stayed silent once more. He could feel a headache forming. But he couldn't let them know. He just held back the tears that threatened to come spill. He couldn't cry, not yet. Not in front of Nene or Emu. Rui let out a shaky sigh. Maybe he'll eat something. Not for himself, but for Tsukasa.
‘Fine… I'll eat something.. ‘
Emu and Nene’s eyes widened. They thought it would take a lot more to convince Rui to actually take care of himself. Maybe it was because they knew Rui was too exhausted and couldn't keep on arguing. Emu and Nene then let out a sigh of relief they didn't know they were holding. Rui was finally going to eat, which made Emu and Nene happy to know. They are glad Rui gave in to eat something.
‘Did you want any of the cafeteria food here… ? Or did you want to go somewhere else for food?’
Emu asked softly, she couldn't help but let out a small smile. She was glad Rui was going to eat something, but all she needed was an answer as to where.
‘Hospital cafeteria food works just fine… I don't want to leave Tsukasa's side for a moment.. ‘
Rui was clearly not in the mood to go anywhere. Especially if it meant leaving Tsukasa's side. It would be best if he stayed here with Tsukasa. Just in case he woke up or something went wrong. Both Emu and Nene nodded, understanding that Rui wouldn't leave Tsukasa's side for a second. Emu stood up, before waving to Rui.
‘Alright..! We'll go get you something then!’
‘Talk to Nene…
Talk to Nene…
Talk to Nene…
Talk to Nene…’
Emu smiled before leaving the room. Nene was about to follow, before Rui spoke up.
‘Nene.. Can I speak to you for a moment… please..?’
Nene stopped and nodded. Knowing what Rui was going to talk about. She walked over and sat next to Rui. Both of them were now sitting. Rui didn’t say anything for a while. But Nene was the first to speak up.
‘Rui… you’re blaming yourself for what happened.. aren’t you..?’
Rui's eyes widened. He didn't expect Nene to read him like that. But he knew she knew him well, since they were childhood friends. Rui didn't deny Nene’s guess either. She was right. He was blaming himself. It is his fault that he didn't check those lights. It is his fault that his best friend was laying in that hospital bed. If only he had taken the time to check it. He should have checked it. If he did, this wouldn't be happening. Rui closed his eyes, before nodding slowly.
‘I am… this is all of my fault.. It's my fault Tsukasa is hurt.. ‘
Nene sighed softly. She expected that. Of course Rui would blame himself. She knew Rui would hate himself like this, especially since it was Tsukasa who got hurt.
‘Rui… it’s not your fault..’
Rui just sat there in silence. The guilt in his chest kept nagging at him. No matter what anyone says. It was his fault. It was his fault Tsukasa, his best friend, got hurt. He was the one who put that light up. He was the one who should've checked the lights, to make sure nothing like this would happen. But he didn't check. And he blames himself entirely for that. Nene noticed the look on Rui, it was obvious he was deep into thinking it was his fault. Nene sighs softly, before continuing.
‘Rui.. listen. I know that you blame yourself. But you can’t keep blaming yourself..’
Rui just sat there. He didn’t say anything. He knew deep down that Nene was right. But he just couldn’t let the guilt go. It was eating at him alive. Rui let out a shaky breath. Everything felt like a mess. He was stressed, scared, tired, everything. Rui buried his face in his hands, letting out a shaky breath. He knew that what Nene was saying was logical. But he just can’t let go of the guilt that was eating him. Everything was just taking a toll on him. Rui kept quiet for a few moments. He didn’t know what to say. He let out a sigh, before speaking.
‘But I could’ve prevented it.. if I just checked one more time.. then this wouldn’t have happened..’
Nene just sighed. She was expecting that kind of response from Rui. He was stubborn when he thought something was his fault. Nene just kept rubbing Rui’s back, trying her best to comfort Rui.
‘Rui.. no matter how many times you check something. Accidents happen. You couldn’t have prevented this from happening. This was a complete accident. I'm sure Tsukasa isn't mad at you at all either..’
At this point Rui was on the brink of tears. His voice was strained. He couldn’t hold it back anymore.
‘He would be mad.. he’s injured because I messed up.. it’s my fault.. It's my fault he got hurt. It's my fault he is laying down on that hospital bed. It's all of my fault.. ‘
Rui buried his face in his hands again. He knew what he was saying was stupid. But he just couldn’t shake off the guilt.. He couldn't stop thinking about what happened to Tsukasa, and all of that was his fault.
Nene just sighed again. She knew this would happen. Rui wouldn’t believe her no matter how much she argued. Rui was just that stubborn. Nene felt bad for Rui, so bad. She just wished Rui would stop blaming himself. But she knew Rui would still blame himself for what happened.
Both Rui and Nene suddenly move their heads towards the door as it opens again, revealing Emu holding a small plate of food. The plate didn't contain much, just some white rice, chicken, and a small slice of chocolate cake.
‘I'm back!’
Emu closed the door and walked over to Rui and Nene. She smiled softly as she handed the plate to Rui. Rui looked at the plate of food, before taking the plate from Emu's hands. He stared at the plate for a moment. The food did smell appetizing. He looked at Emu, before speaking.
‘Thank you… Emu’
Emu smiled, happy to hear Rui was eating. She looked at Rui more closely. He looked so exhausted. His eyes were definitely bloodshot. He looked like he was about to break right in front of them. Emu didn’t know how to handle this. Sure, she was known to be the happy and energetic one of the group. But in this situation, she just didn’t know how to handle it. Nene noticed Rui about to break. Rui looked back at Tsukasa and his guilt and stress from the past few days threatened to make him burst into tears. Nene gently grabbed Rui’s hand, wanting to help Rui, to comfort Rui.
‘How about you try and eat, Rui… It'll make you feel better…’
Rui nodded. He picked up the chopsticks before taking a few bites of the rice and chicken on his plate. The food didn't taste all that good, but he couldn't care about that. It was food, and his stomach craves the nutrients that he is feeding himself at the moment. He knew Tsukasa would want him to eat.. So he was only eating for Tsukasa, not because he has too. Emu and Nene looked at each other, sighing in relief that Rui was actually eating something. He let out a few shaky breaths as he continued to eat, trying to not break down in front of Emu and Nene. His hands were shaking as he held the chopsticks and ate his food, which caused a concern for Emu and Nene. Nene placed her hand down at Rui's hands.
‘Hey.. It'll be okay… just calm down and eat.’
But how can Rui calm down? His best friend was laying down, hurt and still all because of him. Rui's eyes started to let out his tears, as he let out a soft sob. Emu and Nene's eyes widened. Emu patted Rui's back while Nene rubbed Rui's hands. Rui cried softly, letting out all of the tears he was holding back for so long. He was exhausted and tired. Mentally and physically. He couldn't hold it back anymore. Rui tried to stop crying. He tried and tried and tried. But because of him, Tsukasa was lying still. It was all of his fault he is like this. He continued to sob, the tears streaming down his face. He took a shaky gasp before speaking.
‘I'm- I’m so sorry… I'm so sorry…’
Both Emu and Nene's eyes widened and quickly wrapped their arms around Rui. Emu wrapped her arms around Rui's waist, while Nene hugged Rui tightly. None of them knew what to say or do to help. They were taken by surprise with Rui sobbing and breaking down in front of them. All Rui could do was sob. He felt so guilty and stressed about this whole situation. It was too much to hold back anymore. He let out more choked sobs as he continued to feel guilty. He felt like shit. He couldn't stop blaming himself, no matter what he thought. It will always be his fault.
‘It's all of your fault
It's all of your fault
It's all of your fault
It's all of your-’
A sudden movement coming from Tsukasa, he was waking up. Rui suddenly went quiet. He felt his heart skip a beat when Tsukasa started to wake up. Both Emu and Nene felt Rui’s body stiffen at the sudden movement from Tsukasa. Is Tsukasa okay? Did he hear anything that was happening..?
‘ Tsukasa is awake…
Does he hate me…
He probably doesn't want to be my friend…
I fucked up so badly… it's my fault.. ‘
Tsukasa opened his eyes and slowly sat up a bit. He didn’t feel the best obviously. He was still in a lot of pain. His vision was a bit fuzzy. As it began to clear up, he saw Rui, Nene, and Emu. When he saw Rui he looked a bit surprised. Then he noticed Rui crying and how much of a mess he was. Tsukasa frowns, not liking one but how Rui looked.
‘Rui… ?’
Tsukasa's voice was strained and hoarsed. Just a reminder of Tsukasa's condition, which made Rui blame himself even more. Rui looked heavily down on the floor, refusing to look at Tsukasa's gaze. He felt his chest tighten as he started to feel more and more guilty, his eyes tearing up again as he tried not to cry. Tsukasa was more surprised to see how much of a mess Rui really was. Rui looked like he hadn’t slept in days, his hair was a mess and all tangled up, his eyes were bloodshot and puffy, and his face was covered in tears. Tsukasa noticed how tight of a grip Rui had on Nene's hands. Emu and Nene were both still trying to comfort Rui. Nene spoke, her tone was somewhat shaky.
‘Tsukasa.. You alright?’
Tsukasa slowly nodded. He was still waking up and still a bit out of it, but he was awake. That all that should matter. He looked at Rui again, who was staring at the ground. He could see how guilty Rui looked, how Tsukasa spoke again, his voice was a bit rough
‘...how long was I out for..?’
‘About 3 days’
Emu had a worried tone in her voice. She was looking at Tsukasa intently making sure he was alright
‘I see..’
Tsukasa felt a wave of pain hit him and he groaned in pain. He closed his eyes and held his head.
Emu looked panicked when Tsukasa groaned in pain. She frowned as she spoke in a very concerned tone.
‘Tsukasa are you okay?!’
Tsukasa groaned again before speaking, his voice was slightly strained.
‘Yeah… just a wave of pain.. Don't- don't worry! I'm fine!’
Tsukasa smiled, trying to reassure his friends he was okay, even though he was feeling like shit. His whole body felt sore and he couldn't move his body freely. Emu sighed in relief at Tsukasa's response. She was still very concerned about him however. Nene looked at Tsukasa before speaking.
‘Tsukasa.. You shouldn't try and sit up.. Lay back down.. Sitting up will only cause you more pain..’
Tsukasa let out a small sigh, knowing Nene was right. Sitting up was definitely giving him a lot more problems than he wanted. So Tsukasa laid back down, letting out a groan as doing so. Once the pain subsided, he slowly turned his head to Rui. Tsukasa's gaze softened as he looked at Rui. Seeing Rui in this state made his heart ache. He knew Rui was completely blaming himself for this happening. He also knew Rui was punishing himself for it as well, not eating… not sleeping. Tsukasa let out a soft sigh, before speaking to Rui with a soft gentle tone.
‘..Rui… ‘
Rui felt his heart skip a beat again as Tsukasa called out his name.. Was he mad? Did he not want to be friends anymore..? He felt the guilt and stress building up more and more. He wanted to speak to Tsukasa. He really wanted to. Apologize for hurting him. Apologize for being a bad friend. But he couldn't trust himself. He knew his voice would only lead him to cracking and sobbing again. So Rui just kept his gaze at the floor. He couldn't even bring himself to look at Tsukasa.
‘.. Rui.. ‘
Tsukasa called out again.. But all he got was the same reaction he got from Rui. He could see how guilty Rui felt. How much it was eating him. He could just feel how Rui is feeling just by how he looks, stressed, tired, guilty. Tsukasa spoke up once more.
‘.. Rui.. Please look at me.. ‘
Rui let out a shaky breath when we heard Tsukasa's words. He didn't know what Tsukasa wanted to look at him for. He didn't know what Tsukasa was going to say. He didn't trust that his voice wouldn't crack, so he lifted his head up so he would look at Tsukasa. It was clear by Rui's expression that he was filled with guilt. Tsukasa's expression softened once more when he looked at Rui's guilt like expression. He knew just how guilty Rui felt for this happening, even though it wasn't his fault completely. Tsukasa spoke softly, his tone being gentle.
‘.. Rui… I know what you're thinking… but.. it's not your fault.. ‘
Rui's eyes widened. Of course it was his fault. Tsukasa's words didn't help reassure him that it wasn't his fault. Rui felt a lump in his throat form. At this moment he didn’t care if he broke down or anything. He didn’t care if the other people in the room saw. Rui’s breathing was shaky and his eyes welled up with more tears. Rui slowly shook his head, as he began to speak.
‘But.. it is my fault.. it’s my fault you’re laying here in pain.. I messed up.. I should’ve checked it one more time.. it’s my fault..’
Tsukasa heard Rui’s words. His heart felt like it sank whenever Rui blamed himself. He wanted to reach out to Rui and pull him into a hug. But his body was not permitting him. His body was so sore. So he just had to use words and say what he needed to, to get through Rui. Tsukasa spoke in a firm but gentle tone
‘Rui… it’s not your fault.. it was an accident.. you couldn’t have predicted this would happen..’
Rui shook his head again. He couldn’t believe Tsukasa’s words. He believed it was his fault. He didn’t deserve any of the kind words coming from Tsukasa. He let out a small shaky sob as he spoke
‘Yes I could’ve.. I should’ve.. I should’ve checked it, one more time.. if I did then maybe this wouldn’t have happened.. It’s my fault.. I took the risk of not checking and now you’re paying the price because of it.. Because of me. ..’
Tsukasa's heart stung more as Rui kept on blaming himself. He could obviously see this was killing Rui so much. He had to get through it with his words. Tell Rui it's not his fault. Tell Rui he's not mad at him. Tsukasa spoke up once more, his tone being firm.
‘Rui… look at me.. You did everything you could to make sure nothing happened. You did everything right. You couldn't have predicted this.. Accidents happen all the time… so I forgive you Rui.. It's okay’
Rui's heart shattered and skips a beat all at the same time. How could Tsukasa forgive him like that? He's the one who got hurt because of him. It's his fault Tsukasa is hurt. Yet… Tsukasa didn't care. Rui sees Tsukasa's smile. He knows too well that Tsukasa was actually being genuine about this.
‘You… you forgive me..?’
Rui's tone was strained, but he couldn't be bothered to care. All he cared about was that one answer from Tsukasa. Did Tsukasa actually forgive Rui? Tsukasa couldn't help but smile again as he nodded. He was being completely honest. He really was forgiving Rui. Rui didn’t mean to cause this accident. It was a complete accident after all. An accident that he couldn’t have predicted. This wasn’t Rui’s fault and that’s how Tsukasa saw it. And Tsukasa spoke again in a firm tone
‘I do forgive you… Rui.. So stop blaming yourself.. you did nothing wrong Rui…’
Rui was shocked. How could Tsukasa just forgive him just like that? So easily? No questions or fighting.. Nothing. Just a simple ‘I forgive you’. Rui's breathing started to become shaky, as the guilt, stress, and everything he was holding back were overwhelming him. He felt that same lump in his throat. Some tears even managed to escape Rui's eyes. Rui looked at Tsukasa. His eyes were teary and glassy.
‘I… I don't understand… why.. Why are you forgiving me so easily.. Aren't you mad at me… ?’
Tsukasa's eyes widened. He looked at Rui with a soft gaze, before speaking.
‘Why would I be mad at you? You’re my closest friend, Rui.. I could never be mad at you.. it was an accident. A simple accident. I can’t be mad at you for something that isn't your fault. So please.. stop blaming yourself.. You couldn't have predicted this happening…’
Rui felt everything breaking down as Tsukasa said that. He felt the tears running through his face as he let out a choked sob. He was positive Tsukasa would be mad at him. He was positive Tsukasa would hate him, leaving him behind. Yet, that wasn't the case. Tsukasa wasn't like the people he had met, leaving Rui behind over a simple accident. No matter how hard he apologized to those other people they always blamed him, saying he's to blame for hurting others. But, Tsukasa couldn't care. He didn't blame Rui. He didn't hate Rui. He.. actually believed it was an accident. Emu and Nene were quick to try and comfort Rui, Emu rubbing Rui's back while Nene was rubbing Rui's hand Tsukasa’s eyes widened as he saw Rui sob. Tsukasa felt so bad. Tsukasa softens his gaze at Rui, looking at him with a frown.
'Rui… you've been way too hard on yourself… have you? You don't need to worry about me leaving you behind.. I promise I won't leave you.. ‘
After some time, Rui felt the guilt in his chest lessen ever so slightly as he started to calm down. He knew he couldn’t get rid of the guilt entirely. But hearing Tsukasa say he forgave him took a bit of that guilt away. Rui looked up at Tsukasa again. His vision was a bit hazy from the tears. And his breathing was still shaky. Rui slowly nodded as he spoke. His tone was softer and no longer strained.
‘I- I’ll try… I'll try and not blame myself..’
Tsukasa was glad that Rui was starting to ease up and was starting to calm down. He was glad that he was starting to not blame himself as much. Rui was far too hard on himself sometimes. It worried Tsukasa a lot. His heart stings, seeing Rui blame himself made him so upset. Rui was being far too harsh on himself. But for now, getting Rui to not blame himself made Tsukasa proud of Rui. Tsukasa spoke again, his voice was still gentle.
‘That’s good… you need to go easy on yourself… You’re far too harsh on yourself, you know..?’
Rui was quiet for a moment as he listened to Tsukasa’s words. No matter how much he wanted to argue and say no, Rui knew that Tsukasa was right. He was far too harsh on himself. Rui’s shoulders relaxed and he felt himself calming down just a tiny bit as he spoke.
‘I.. I suppose you’re right on that…’
Nene and Emu could tell that Rui was slowly calming down bit by bit. They were happy that Rui stopped blaming himself. Nene could tell that Tsukasa was getting through to Rui. Her hand held Rui’s tightly. Rui took a shaky breath. He tried to make his voice sound normal as he spoke again. He managed to do so, but his tone was still a bit shaky. Rui spoke softly.
‘…I’m sorry… for everything.. ‘
Tsukasa shook his head.
‘There's no need to apologize you idiot.. I forgive you.. Don't blame yourself for this, okay..?’
Rui nodded slowly, starting to calm down more and more. Rui looked at Tsukasa's face. It was a genuine smile from him. Not that he has faked his smile before, but this certain smile comforted him, as if that smile was just made for him.
‘Thank you… I.. I really don't know what to say…’
Tsukasa laughs softly.
‘Please.. Don't worry about that. Worry about yourself. Go ahead and rest now.. Eat something.. Take care of yourself Rui… I won't be leaving you anytime soon’
Rui nodded and gave Tsukasa a soft smile. Which made Emu and Nene happy to see him finally wanting to take care of himself. Nene lets go of Rui’s hand, feeling confident that he will be fine now. Emu gave a smile to Rui, glad to see Rui not stressed and so guilty. Rui gave Tsukasa a soft smile.
‘Please remember while you take care of yourself, it's not your fault, Rui’