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"I- I could."
Jon clenches his hands into fists in his pockets, staring at Martin, waiting for something to crack in whatever facade he's putting on. Is it a facade? It has to be, right? At least partially?
"But you won't." Martin says, and he clearly thinks he's right- obviously, that's why he's saying it at all- and he's clearly underestimating exactly how far Jon is willing to go to get out.
He doesn't like feeling like an addict. He knows it's not quite the same thing, he knows that most addicts, as a rule, weren't required to start their vice of choice as a requirement of their jobs- though that particular use of argument against why he alone is different feels a bit more like he's pulling out excuses than really getting to the root of the matter, and aside from that there are plenty of addicts were required to take their vices for some period of time, or else were prescribed them, or else just genuinely need them, effects of addiction aside, but his is fundamentally different, he swears it- and he knows that most addicts, as a rule, are peripherally aware of resources to get them out of the hole they've been dug into.
Jon has no resource, no recourse, only himself and maybe Martin (and with every passing second Martin's maybe crawls further and further away) and the damning tape from Eric Delano- the man could practically be sanctified for all he's done. Even with the cardinal sin of being one of Gertrude's assistants; something like that could surely be forgiven.
All he has are those and whatever makeshift weapon he can scrounge up. Perhaps he could go into Elias' office and steal one of the clean replacement nibs for his damned fountain pens- it would be poetic, if nothing else. Maybe that proposal will bring Martin a little closer to his side- he always did like poetry, even if Keats is hardly the poet that Jon would say exemplifies the craft to its fullest potential.
"You don't know that," Jon insists, quieter than before, but no less forceful for it. Even if Jon is afraid- terrified, even- of what could happen were he to really go through with it, he still finds it a better option than the alternative. Scratch that- this is the alternative, and it's better than staying the course he's currently on.
"Yeah, I do," Martin insists, though his volume doesn't change. "That's why you came to me, right? Because I'm doing this, because I've invested myself in this- this thing with Peter, and I have to see it through. I have to, and you know that. So you come to me because I can't follow you and you want a reason not to do it."
Jon starts to say something, and it turns into a scoff of its own accord. He doesn't know what to say, exactly, because on some level, Martin's not wrong, but Jon's too desperate for Martin to be entirely right.
Objectively speaking, if Jon digs deep inside himself, past all the guilt and the fear and the hunger and the near-constant feeling of starvation on the edges of his senses contrasted with the deeper guilt piling itself on further every time he pulls himself out of that hole and steps on someone else to do it- beyond all of that, beyond every single negative aspect of this whole thing, the entire arrangement he's been shoved into- shoved himself into, by any account that's not his own- he can quietly admit to himself that out of every possible position offered by every single Fear he could've been shoved into, this is hardly the worst of them. He can even admit that there are some aspects of the position that aren't objectively wretched.
If that were all- if this was what he was facing, forever into eternity, nothing more than his current situation- Martin would have been more correct than Jon would have likely admitted aloud. It would be better than facing the possibility of dying, at any rate, and Martin did float the possibility that this may very well kill Jon with how entrenched in the Eye he already is.
Except for the fact that Jon can't let go of one simple little fact about the next ritual on the docket. The Watcher's Crown is something he wants no part in, no matter how deep into the Beholding's metaphorical pocket he is, and that's not likely to change. Combine that with Elias' particular, peculiar interest in him specifically, and how he 'develops' as an Archivist, he can't imagine that he's meant to simply sit on the sidelines and not participate at all, especially given that there's no way on Earth that Elias isn't the one planning said ritual.
So, either Elias is going to trick him into doing something, blackmail him into it, or use some other method to change his mind about it, and Jon doesn't want to stick around to see what that decision is going to be. He feels a bit paranoid, given that Elias is supposedly still behind bars and utterly unable to access anything at the Institute, but the feeling of tension in the air is so thick he's nearly choking on it. Something is going to happen when Peter's project comes to a head, possibly before that, and Jon's become kind of sick of running and hiding over the past two years, but it's the most viable strategy he's got.
So, all of this to say, under normal circumstances Martin would be correct. These just aren't normal circumstances.
"Martin," Jon eventually settles on saying Martin's name, like that will mean anything at all to the conversation. Mostly, he's just stalling for time to think of what he's going to say.
"Jon." Martin echoes, sounding like he's entirely done with hearing from him. Fair enough. Jon's fairly through with hearing from himself, too, at times. Not right now, though, since he still hasn't found the words that he needs to find, to convince Martin this isn't just some half-baked flight of fancy or that he really isn't looking for an excuse to escape his escape hatch.
"I don't trust Elias," Jon says finally, and that's really the root of the matter, isn't it? He doesn't trust the man as far as he can throw him, and considering that he's not even in the same building at the moment, Jon can't exactly start tossing him about anytime soon.
"Yeah, I get that," Martin replies, sounding distinctly unimpressed. It's not a very keen observation, especially for someone who's dedicated himself to the equivalent of a god of observations, so Jon is again unsurprised by the reaction.
"He's almost certainly planning something, and we can go back and forth on what that is after I've seen this all through, but- " Martin continues, and he makes objective, rational sense, but Jon interrupts him.
"We haven't got time for you to see this out with Peter. I don't trust him or Elias, I certainly don't trust that they aren't working together in some capacity, and- and- " Jon cuts himself off with a sigh. He pulls his too-long hair out of his face for something to do with his hands, and stares down at the whirring tape recorder instead of at Martin.
"You heard what Elias said. About the rituals. You heard what order they're meant to go in." Jon pivots to letting Martin piece together his thoughts from the same evidence that he came to them from. Maybe that will sound less paranoid and delusional.
He looks up from the tape recorder for long enough to see the expression shift on Martin's face. A resolute denial, to abject realization, to something that looks like hesitation.
"There's still the Dark," Martin quietly objects, to which Jon shakes his head.
"Basira and I already disrupted it. You're the one who approved the budget for the trip." Jon refutes, and this time Martin's the one who looks away.
Jon waits patiently for Martin to say something to that, to the reminder that the Beholding- they- are up next to make an attempt to successfully carry out a ritual.
"You're not- " Martin starts, then stops. There's a few seconds before he speaks again.
"You still... don't want to do that, right?" Martin asks, with no small amount of trepidation, and this is the first time that Jon sees a hint of the Martin he saw in the Archives- granted, not in 2017, but more along the lines of how he was in early 2016, hesitant and acting like he was about to be punished over what he just said- since he woke up from his coma. There's something nearly painful about that, like Martin doesn't know him anymore. Like that span of several months was a physical distance between them far greater than it really was.
"No- no, of course not. That's why I'm proposing this." Jon's vehement in that, firm and unyielding in his own conviction that he would not, will not, choose to enact any part of any ritual of his own free will. He doesn't want to put anyone through whatever an apocalypse dedicated to the Eye would look like, much less the entire world.
Martin is quiet for several long moments, not looking at Jon, not even moving much, just visibly processing what Jon is saying. It makes sense, too much sense, it's twisted and sickening and exactly the sort of thing that Elias really would attempt to carry out. There's also no other way to guarantee that Jon won't be roped into it, at least, no other way that ends with him alive.
If this ends with him alive. He and Martin both know how uncertain the end of that road is, but his death at the end of that is an if. By any other means of escape, his death at the end would be a when. He finds that he prefers the odds of tearing his eyes out against anything else.
"Peter and Elias aren't working together," Martin says finally, and in this he sounds assured of himself. Like this is the one flaw that he can reasonably point out in Jon's logic. Maybe they are, maybe they aren't, but at the end of the day, when it comes to something of this scale, Jon can't quite find it in himself to care very much about the difference.
"And Elias, famous for minding his own business, knows nothing about whatever you and Peter are working on, and will politely wait until the two of you are done." Jon's tone is a bit more biting than he intends it to be, but it gets his point across. The time has long since passed since he was anywhere near trusting the idea that Elias wouldn't try anything, or that he would wait for Peter and Martin to be done with their secret project, no matter what that project actually is. If it's important, Elias will let them do part of it, possibly, but more likely he'll just use what Peter's doing for his own gain. Like how even when he was being arrested, he sounded smug on tape, as though he were waiting for something like that to happen.
Martin contemplates this, and a muscle in his jaw is visibly moving a little as he seems to be mentally chewing on what to say. Jon knows full well that he's got a point, and he's waiting on Martin to arrive at the same conclusion he did- that there's no point in waiting, only risk, and they need to get out sooner rather than later.
"... He's going to try something before we see this through," Martin finally agrees, more quietly than he was saying before. Jon doesn't know what Martin is doing with Peter, exactly, so Martin would have the better grasp of when in this plan Elias reasonably would jump at the opportunity to enact the Watcher's Crown. If Martin says it'll happen before he can see it through, then it will.
"Please," Jon says, in lieu of an agreement or asking for clarification or anything else of the sort. Martin knows exactly what he's asking, here; he knows exactly what that plea is for. They both know that Elias is going to try something, and soon. Jon is desperate for an out, and this is the best one he has.
"We won't at the same time," Martin says, and that's enough of an agreement that Jon lets his shoulders slump in relief. He sighs, some of the tension bleeding from his chest, and resigns himself to this. To escaping. To tearing his eyes out.
Possibly to dying. That one's more likely than he's comfortable with, but really, it's overdue at this point anyway. It's not like he didn't dig himself this hole to begin with. He got himself to the point where losing his eyes could really kill him, and now he has to do what Martin is now unable- see it through.