Work Text:
My Unfair Gentleman
"Where the devil are my slippers?" Professor Henry Higgens said as he slid down into his chair, hat tipped over his eyes and a smile on his face as he crossed his legs. Eliza Doolittle had returned; everything was going to be just fine and the household routine would be returned to that which he had become accustomed. It was going to be a glorious Christmas coming up.
Eliza looked at the half-reclined man. He could be infuriating, insulting, insensitive and infantile. But he also embodied, if not who she wanted to be, at least where she wanted to be. Besides, he was rather cute if you got past the pompous exterior.
[Eliza's song "A woman is more than just a project" omitted due to sponsorship disagreement with B & O]
"But Eliza, surely you can't expect me to change?" Henry asked incredulously.
"And why not? I was capable of it, wasn't I? You expect everyone else on the staff to change at a moment's notice to your whims."
"I have no whims; I simply implement alternative routines - routines that I have carefully worked out in advance, down to the last possible detail. They are well thought out and allow for every possible contingency."
"Ha! That is quite unfair. You couldn't change if you wanted to – or needed to, if something new was ever thrown at you. The thought of you being able to adapt to a new situation immediately is laughable, it is. It's a good thing Christmas comes on the same day every year; I don't think you could handle it if the date changed."
[Eliza's song "Why statues don't move" omitted for time]
"Oh, is that so?" asked Henry.
[Henry's song "Even mountains change over time" omitted until verified by the Science Acadamy]
"A mountain has no choice; you do, but you just simply choose not to change" Eliza charged. "Professor Henry Higgins: Unmutable for all time!"
"I think you meant immutable, my dear."
"Both then, if you insist!"
[Henry's song "Can't we talk more and sing less" omitted for being a contradiction in itself]
Henry gave himself a puff of throat spray, frowned and then coughed for a moment before continuing. "Ah right, set me a challenge and I shall prove you wrong dear girl" he countered. "Apart from something impossible like walk on water, I shall triumph in whatever task you propose. Its mind over matter, you see."
Eliza smirked and switched to her old Cockney accent. "Very well Gov, I propose you spend one week livin' in Tottenham Court Road. That 'ud get you a 'preciation for things, it will. Take a swing at it 'un be back by Christmas time, I think."
Henry winced.
[Henry's song "I'll be an accomplice to the murder of the English language" omitted due to the statute of limitations]
[Household staff song "Can he do it" omitted because it wouldn't make any sense without the other song]
"Very well, if I accept your challenge - will you fetch my slippers when I request them?" Henry asked. "Provided I ask nicely, that is."
[Eliza's song "Burn those nasty slippers" omitted pending approval of fire permit]
[Henry's retort song "Then I'll Ask Santa for some new ones" omitted due to a three week waiting period on new slippers]
The staff whispered among themselves and agreed that new slippers might be their gift to the professor this year. Henry sighed. "Well, there's something to be said about stocking feet I suppose. So, I don't expect to have any trouble reproducing that thing you pass off as the English language. But what, ah, would I actually do? I can't exactly be a flower girl, no matter how good I am at passing myself off as…a street dweller."
"No, I don't think Merlin himself could pull that one off with you" Eliza said mischievously. "I don't see you as a trencher; you can always be a dustman or maybe a cart driver. I think dustman."
[Eliza's song "Dustman was good 'nuf for me Dad but me Dad wasn't good 'nuf for it" omitted out of respect for the newly enriched]
Henry frowned again; he was getting quite good at performing the facial expression. "Don't worry," Eliza said in an effort to comfort him "I'll be there to help you along. Surely a man of your talents can do it? Come on, show that holiday spirit now."
"Aye, garn" he said, giving in to the challenge.
"I'll even pay to teach you to be a - how did you put it so eloquently so long ago – guttersnipe? I believe the going rate of class conversion is five pounds."
[Henry's song "I paid 5 pounds but it will cost much much more" omitted awaiting currency exchange rate]
"Very well Eliza," Henry said as he sat down with his arms crossed "and now the student shall become the master. Teach away."
"Challenge accepted" Eliza said as she pretended to clap dust from her hands. "A relative would try to talk you out of it. An enemy would hope you try and fail. An associate would wish you luck. A friend would help you succeed. And you are going to succeed, aren't you Professor 'enry 'iggens?"
[Eliza's Cockney song "It's more than just words" omitted due to incomprehensible lyrics]
Eliza then spent the day drilling Henry with facts about what life was really like on the street, and how not to stand out - he had to remove any semblance of high-class living.
[Duet song "Living on the street and not above it" omitted pending product placement sponsorship from Rags to Riches to Rags Gently Used Clothing]
Henry sat with his head in his hands. Rubbing his eyes, he lamented his choice to take the challenge.
[Henry's song "Oh why did I let a woman in my life?" omitted due to excessive misogamy.]
It took entirely too many days and songs but at some point the training was complete, at least as much as Eliza could impart to a person so unused to the life of a commoner. They took a break when a session was interrupted by Colonel Hugh Pickering, who showed up to observe the progress and sing.
[Hugh's song "I always treated her like a lady but I only get one song" omitted for irony]
The colonel left and was not seen again for the remainder of the story as Eliza and Henry changed into dirty clothes and began their adventure back where the two first met when Eliza was selling flowers.
[Henry's song "Are these clothes raggedy enough or should I throw myself down a coal chute?" omitted due to insurance issues]
…
"Really Henry, I honestly didn't think you could do it" Eliza said after a week had passed and once again they found themselves at 27A Wimple Street. "But I'm terribly glad you did. Why, your behavior in the last day alone has shown me that you have a new appreciation for how others live."
[Eliza's song "You are a most uncommon commoner" omitted due to elitism]
"Is that so?" Henry retorted.
[Song "I know another uncommon commoner" omitted due to it being basically a reprise of the last song]
[Song "Now we've got something in common" omitted because of violation of dialogue to lyric ratio guidelines]
"Now let's trim the tree" Henry said with a merry laugh. "If we keep singing it will be the new year before we know it!"
The End
[*Song from deleted scene "What happened to Freddy?" omitted for being inconvenient to explain what happened to the character*]