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People had always said Mayoi was pretty.
He didn’t understand why. They must not see what he sees - the rot underneath his skin. One of the first things Tatsumi had ever said to him was, “You’re beautiful.”
Mayoi wishes he could believe that. Tatsumi said it like it was the most natural thing in the world. Mayoi still doesn’t know what to do with that.
Tatsumi always offers that same kind, calm smile, the one that makes Mayoi feel like he’s being seen without being judged - and it scorches through him every time.
Not cruel. Never cruel. Just warm. Too warm. Like sunlight on skin that’s only ever known rain.
Tatsumi, Mayoi thinks, closing his eyes.
Tatsumi looks at him like he’s the most precious thing on earth - something delicate, something breakable. It makes Mayoi’s heart ache.
He glances across the room at Tatsumi’s sleeping form. It’s dark. A little too dark to see clearly, but he knows he’s there. And yet… Mayoi still feels lonely, despite the others in the room. All he can hear is soft, steady breathing.
Aira and Hiiro fell asleep right after practice - they didn’t even take off their uniform.
Mayoi can’t judge. He’s still in his too.
He can’t bear the thought of being seen in anything else. At least this makes him feel normal, or like he might be. No matter how much his brain tries to convince him otherwise.
Like this, he’s no different from the other members.
A rustling noise breaks through his thoughts. Someone’s getting up.
It’s not from above, so it’s not Hiiro. That leaves Aira or-
A soft sigh. Low, a little pained. That’s Tatsumi.
Then: the soft shuffle of footsteps. The door closing quietly.
Mayoi opens his eyes. Tatsumi is gone.
I hope he’s okay, Mayoi thinks.
He is okay. Probably.
It’s always struck him as strange that Tatsumi has the top bunk, despite his leg injury. Everyone gets up in the night sometimes, right? Probably.
I should check on him. Just to make sure. No- I’m sure he’s fine.
But what if he’s in pain? What if he’s upset?
Mayoi winces, guilt blooming in his chest.
I don’t want to sound like I’m hoping something’s wrong. I would never. I shouldn’t have thought that. What if he gets hurt now- because of me? What if I follow him and he’s tripped, or fallen, or-
Mayoi gets out of bed hastily.
I’ll just follow him to make sure he doesn’t get hurt. That’s fine, isn’t it?
He slides his slippers on and tiptoes out of the room, careful not to wake the others. As he steps into the hallway, he whispers softly:
“Tatsumi-san…?”
It doesn’t seem like Tatsumi heard him. He continues down the hall and turns into the stairwell. Mayoi doesn’t rush to catch up, but he follows him downstairs, keeping his distance until they reach the kitchen.
When Tatsumi turns on the light, he pauses. “…Mayoi-san?”
Mayoi’s heart skips a beat. He steps inside.
“I… S-Sorry. I didn’t think you saw me.”
Tatsumi chuckles lightly as he walks over to the sink and fills a glass of water. “I just had a feeling.”
Mayoi stands still, watching the water pour from the tap. He doesn’t know what to say. Thankfully, Tatsumi breaks the silence.
“Did I wake you up? I’m deeply sorry.”
“No! No, you didn’t!” Mayoi replies quickly. “I was already awake… I was just thinking-”
He trails off.
Tatsumi shifts his weight slightly, leaning against the counter. For a second, Mayoi thinks he sees him grimace. His eyes flick down to Tatsumi’s leg, then back up.
“…Y-You don’t look well, Tatsumi-san.”
Tatsumi offers a calm smile. A practiced, calm smile. “Hmm? Don’t I?” He lets out a soft chuckle.
“Fufufu… I’m quite sensitive to negative emotions…” Mayoi replies without thinking.
Ahh- Why did I say that? Who says something like that?!
Are you trying to scare him away? I bet he thinks I’m disgusting now. He definitely thinks I’m disgusting!
Oh, I’m ruining this, I’m ruining everything! Won’t he hate me for saying something so strange?
I should ask! No, that’ll make it worse, he’ll just-
“D-Do you think that’s disgusting?” Mayoi chokes out quickly, blinking hard.
Tatsumi seems a little caught off guard by the question, but his answer comes easily, his voice calm.
“Not at all. On the contrary, I find you very lovely, Mayoi-san. I could never be scared of you.”
You should be. I am.
Mayoi’s panic quickly twists into relief. Tatsumi doesn’t hate him. Of course not - Tatsumi could never hate anyone. He doesn’t have a hateful bone in his body. He’s not like me.
Tatsumi is pure, like the sun, and Mayoi never learned not to stare.
Mayoi takes a breath. “I panic more being called lovely than being called disgusting, you know…”
He looks up at Tatsumi again. That lazy smile is still there, effortless and steady. It’s like Tatsumi truly can’t see anything wrong with Mayoi’s existence.
Tatsumi takes a sip of his water and chuckles softly. “Hehe, I’m completely fine, Mayoi-san. You don’t need to worry about me.”
Does that mean don’t ask?
Mayoi shakes his head. “Is it your leg again? I-I mean, if you have anything on your mind, you can talk to me. Anytime…”
Tatsumi nods, rubbing his leg gently. “It’s nothing serious. Thank you, Mayoi-san. You really are a caring person.”
Caring? No! I’m not! I check too much, worry too much, love too hard! I’m scary and nosy and all I do is frighten people or- No, that’s not fair. Tatsumi isn’t a liar.
Mayoi’s nails bite into his skin as he takes a deep breath, “…Thank you.”
There’s another bout of silence between them. Tatsumi never looks small, even when he’s in pain. Mayoi wishes he could be that calm.
“Is your pain bad?” he asks, his voice low. “D-Did it wake you up?”
Tatsumi nods, gesturing to his leg. “It’s not too bad. I’m used to it by now. I know it’s just psychological, but it still feels just as real.”
Mayoi nods, stepping a little closer. “Mm… It must be getting worse because of our situation… I-I’ve been holding us back. I couldn’t even handle a task as simple as handing out flyers.”
His voice trembles, but he keeps going.
“I’ll work much harder from now on, Tatsumi-san. I-If it’d make your life even a little easier, I’d do anything… for you…”
That sounded too creepy. Too eager. His fingertips tingle.
He steps forward quickly, tapping the counter with his fingertips. It doesn’t look casual - definitely not - but he doesn’t care. Not right now. He just needs to ground himself.
One. Two. Three. It’ll be fine. Tatsumi won’t notice. Four. Five. Six.
But Tatsumi’s eyes lock onto his hand.
He says nothing.
Instead, after a pause, Tatsumi murmurs, “Mayoi-san, we’re a team. We all have to do our parts equally. You’re doing the best you can. We can’t ask for anything more.”
Mayoi swallows hard. For once, he actually believes that. He has been trying his best after all, he’s worked so hard, even to the point of sickness.
The other members of ALKALOID didn’t hate him for not being able to get out of bed, for hiding in the vents, for crying over getting stuck in a crowd. He remembers Tatsumi taking his hand to lead him away that time. Tatsumi didn’t make a fuss; he just quietly saved him. It was so kind, so undeserved-
One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six.
That must have been so inconvenient… Someone like me doesn’t deserve to be saved. I’ll just end up dragging you down to hell with me.
One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six.
Mayoi blinks hard again. Ah… I hope you can forgive me. I’m sorry-sorry-sorry-so-
He doesn’t even realise he’s been tapping the counter again until he feels Tatsumi’s cool hand atop his. Mayoi flinches and pulls his hand back slightly. It makes Tatsumi flinch a little too. Mayoi meets Tatsumi’s eyes. There’s no judgement in his eyes, he just looks concerned.
How long was I doing that?
“Are you okay?” Tatsumi says. He’s not smiling anymore. It’s like he wants to help but isn’t sure how.
“Sorry! I was acting strange again!” Mayoi replies quickly.
“Are you feeling anxious? I’d be happy to hear you out if you’d like, Mayoi-san.” Tatsumi doesn’t break eye contact. It makes Mayoi’s stomach churn.
“No! No, I’m okay! I was just making sure that you…” Mayoi feels a lump in his throat, he doesn’t really mean to say this aloud, but it’s coming out now whether he likes it or not.
“That you’ll forgive me. I know its irrational. I do. But if I don’t do it, I start thinking I’ll… lose everything.”
Tatsumi’s expression softens. He doesn’t know what exactly Mayoi wants forgiveness for, but no matter what it was, his opinion wouldn’t change. “Mayoi-san, you don’t have to ask for forgiveness for being who you are. Especially not from someone like me.” There's a flicker of shame in his eyes. He almost looks sad.
Someone like him?
He pauses, taking Mayoi’s trembling hand in his own, then adds quietly, “We all have our struggles, and it’s okay to lean on someone sometimes. I’m not going anywhere. I’m here to listen, not judge.”
Mayoi’s breath catches for a moment. The warmth of Tatsumi’s hand still resting lightly on his sends a surprising calm through his chest. For once, the frantic noise in his mind quiets just enough to let him breathe.
It’s quiet in his head for the first time tonight.
He meets Tatsumi’s steady gaze and gives a small shaky smile. Tatsumi’s lips curve upwards into that typical gentle smile again. Mayoi hesitates but ultimately decides not to let Tatsumi’s hand go. The quiet confidence in that simple touch still lingers in his skin.
Tatsumi steps towards the light switch, “Shall we?”
Mayoi falters, waiting for that familiar wave of shame or doubt.
But it doesn’t come.
Just silence. Just warmth.
Mayoi turns to follow Tatsumi out of the kitchen. He watches Tatsumi reach to turn off the light, and the kitchen slips into shadow.
Their footsteps echo softly on the stairs. Tatsumi’s grip on Mayoi’s hand is firm and grounding. Mayoi is grateful for it. Maybe Tatsumi is too.
Mayoi isn’t used to being touched. Not like this. Not gently.
Neither of them grew up with much kindness. Mayoi wasn’t sure he deserved it. Maybe that’s why Tatsumi always reaches out first, offering the kind of warmth he once had to live without.
Maybe that’s why Mayoi finds himself leaning into it, even now, even when he’s afraid.
Tatsumi’s breath is slow, steadying. It’s reassuring. Just... this is enough. You’re here. I’m here. That’s enough.
Mayoi slides under his blankets, the familiar weight a small comfort.
Maybe I’m not broken. Maybe I’m still whole, even with all this noise inside.
Across the room, he knows Tatsumi lies awake, too - bearing his own burdens, his leg probably still hurts.
But he is okay, I know he meant that.
“I hope you sleep well, Tatsumi-san.” Mayoi whispers. His voice is softer than he means it to be.
It feels like saying I love you without the words.
A pause. Then, from the dark:
“And you, Mayoi-san. Goodnight.”
Mayoi closes his eyes. The quiet is still there. This time, it doesn’t scare him.