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Content warnings:
CW: Parental abandonment, grief, survivors guilt, minor PTSD
Trisscar looked out at the mainland growing distant behind them. She was visiting her friends on Godling Island for the festival of Lupercalia. Many of the Island’s residents still practiced the traditions from back home despite it all. Trisscar didn’t feel any particular need to heap praise onto her parents. Still the festival was a good time to gather all the disparate demi gods that populated the continent. She longed to see her friends, it had been almost 10 months since she had been back to the island. “How much farther do we have?” She called out to the old skipper who ran the ancient white sailboat. “Hmmm… probably another 30 minutes to an hour. Get comfy lass, I know this old boat ain’t what she used to be but its a smooth ride regardless.” The skipper called out. He was an older dragon, who looked to be in his later years. He ran the boat under the name Captain Finbarr. Triss frowned but kept staring out at the receding coastline. ‘I haven’t been back to the Island since I was made a Sage. I want to surprise everyone for Lupercalia, but… I’m worried that my presence is gonna cause more pain. I didn’t exactly leave the Island on good terms.’ She mused, closing her eyes. Trisscar could still see the smoke rising from her cabin. Still see the devastation of the community after the Gild claw invasion. The smell of smoke filled her nostrils. Trisscar shuddered as the memories flooded through her. “Misses, I don’t want to bother you but we’re close. The island is in view.” Finnbar informed Trisscar. She snapped her eyes open and turned her head. The Island was indeed coming closer. They were sailing right into the small harbor that housed the many fishing boats used there. A figure stood on the pier, waving to the oncoming boat. “Seems like a quaint enough little town. Thank you for taking the Galedeep ferry today” Finnbarr exclaimed as the boat came into the harbor. He quickly secured the mooring rope as Trisscar hopped up to greet the figure on the docks
He was a tall man and he wore a dark purple robe with a stripe of red. “Cassie! I got your letter but I’m still surprised to see you. Are you here to celebrate Lupercalia with us?” He asked stretching his arms out for a hug. Trisscar did not hug him and simply shook one of his outstretched hands. “Something like that Gregory. My name is Trisscar now. I am glad that you still wanted me back.” Triss responded, walking with Gregory deeper into the harbor. The pair passed large plaster houses that gently sloped upwards out of the harbor. There were more than when Trisscar was last here, and many were still being constructed. “Certainly made progress since the last time you were here hmm. We’ve had a good influx of people so building up is needed. Soon enough this little Island will be pretty crowded. Though you will always have a place here Trisscar.” Gregory smiled warmly at Triss. “Thanks, that is a very generous offer to make me. I just wish that I could take it. Not that I don’t want to!” Trisscar blurted out. She didn’t wish to offend Gregory or overstay her welcome. She was unsure how to navigate the thorny topic of becoming a sage, and what that would mean for the Island. Walking into the village, they came across a large fire in the middle of the clearing. The crowd was dancing and singing around it, with many enjoying food from makeshift stalls set up around the clearing. Trisscar smiled at the sight, it reminded her of home… back before it all. “Well… go and mingle. As the sun sets I’ll announce your arrival to the others. Glad you could make it.” Gregory ventured off into the crowd leaving Trisscar alone. Trisscar wandered off to one of the stalls. She was hungry and wanted to get some food. “Gods damn! Is that you Cassie? Come sit down and tell me about your adventures!” The woman behind the stall waved Trisscar over. She obliged, sitting down on the wooden stool and ordering a sandwich and a glass of bright summer wine. “It’s good to see you again Millie. My name is Trisscar now so you are aware. They have you working the stalls today it seems?” Trisscar asked, taking a bite of her sandwich. Millie sighed “Yeah… Gregory wanted me to be on stall duty since I was the May Queen earlier this year. It's not that bad…. I'll get to cast my regrets later tonight. Tell me where you've been! No one has seen you for a long time… we figured you had forgotten your way home.” Mille questioned. “I… just wanted some time to myself… I didn't think I'd be too welcome.” Triss explained. Last time she was here they were celebrating the coming spring. They had given thanks to her father. She was enraged by this act. That absent asshole did not save them back then so why should they give thanks to him? Trisscar denounced him in front of everyone, she denounced all the gods. She left on the first ferry out of town, and did not look back. “Oh you’re always welcome here. Gregory may be mad at you but most of us understand how you feel. It’s… odd celebrating these old holidays but enough of us care. What did you do while you were gone? You gotta tell meeee.” Millie pleaded, putting on a show of begging. “Well…. I made it to the mainland and.. I got taken in by Attakus, leader of the Emerald Dawn. After proving my skills I became the Sage of Spirit. I’m… not really sure what that means yet. I know that I intend to protect others from suffering our fate.” Trisscar divulged. The revelation caused Millie to gasp. She had known Triss was ambitious but to do all in 10 months was impressive. Even for her. “Congratulations. I’m sure that when we come to cast out regrets into the fire Gregory will point out your return. You know how he is… strangely fixated about keeping us all together.” Millie huffed out. While Greg was elected to be the mayor, he had some quirks. He insisted they celebrate the old holidays, and he was very keen on all the Godlings being together. “Yeah I’m sure… Thank you for talking to me Millie. Have a happy Lupercalia.” Trisscar blurted out as she paid for her food and then bolted. She wanted to partake in some of the games. Hopefully if she did Gregory would wait to call upon her. She didn’t like the spotlight being on her. Especially with what she wanted to do.
The familiar sight of javelins drew her attention. There was a small cluster of targets set facing the seaside. Several people were there participating in the game. Trisscar wandered over “Hey Patrako! how much is it to throw a round!” She yelled out to the proprietor, getting his attention. “Oh shit.. Ca… I mean Trisscar. People were already talking about you being back. It’s only 2 bits to play. 1 bullseye for a minor prize, 2 bullseyes for a major prize, and 3 bullseyes for the grand prize of this here spear.” He held up an elaborate metal spear with many hanging decorations and flourishes. The head was engraved with a relief of something trisscar could not make out. There were strings of beads and feathers and all sorts of baubles hanging off the haft of the spear. “Is… that for decoration” Trisscar winced. She had seen many gaudy weapons but this took the prize. It looked like it would rattle with every swing and every hit. “Oh no, It's a perfectly serviceable weapon. It was made by Leodarnus just last week for the festival.” Trisscar didn’t respond further, she handed over the 2 bits and was given 3 smooth and straight javelins. “Ok stand over here and…” Patrako started to explain the rules but Trisscar waved her hand at him dismissively. “Pat… I’ve done this every Lupercalia. I know how it works, don’t patronize me because I've been gone.” Trisscar dismissed his words causing a scowl to form on his face. “It was just a friendly courtesy. I know you’re a big shot and don't need the gods but don’t get mad at me. I'm just trying to help you Cassie” Pat spat out. Trisscar narrowed her eyes. Pat was one of the few people she felt still blamed her for not defending hard enough. He was devout and needed little encouragement to worship their parents. In light of what happened a few demigods turned further into worship. Trisscar slammed down 8 additional bits. “I’ll make each of these shots! Just you wait.” She boasted, drawing a snort out of Patrako. A small crowd had gathered around Trisscar at the commotion. She picked up her javelins and stood at the start line. She launched off two quick bullseyes with surprising speed. The crowd was dead silent, staring at their former hero with a sea of emotions. Trisscar grinned and started throwing more javelins. Each one found their mark. Reaching her last three she paused. She would go for the farthest set of targets with the last three. Trisscar gauged the distance, before launching a javelin as hard as she could towards the sea. It landed with a thud in the center of the target. ‘The wind is starting to pick up now. Need to finish this before it gets too unpredictable.’ She thought, launching a javelin down range. It wavered a bit in course before hitting just inside the center ring. Trisscar let out a celebratory whoop before concentrating on her last shot. She gauged the distance to be about 30 meters out, a long shot by any means. Closing her eyes she thought back to the recent instruction given to her by Oxeye. ‘Inhale with the throw, exhale as you release. Envision your arm as the javelin itself and where you want it to go.’ He had lectured. Trisscar opened her eyes and jogged a short distance to build up speed. She twisted back her arm and launched the javelin straight and true. It sailed through the air like a thunderbolt before impacting dead center in the middle of the target, burying to the flights. A cheer erupted from the assembled crowd. Trisscar raised her hands in triumph while bellowing out. “I am still the best warrior on this island! Don’t anyone forget that!” The clapping and cheering continued as Trisscar collected her prize from Patrako. The gaudy spear would have to be a reminder of her little home. As the applause died down a lone voice yelled out “Why couldn’t you have been that good 6 years ago!” A hushed silence fell upon the assembled crowd. Trisscar stood, stunned at the audacity of heckler. She wanted to yell, to challenge them to a duel to defend herself. Her words died on her lips as she clutched the spear tight to her. ‘They’re right… I couldn’t fight them off then. For all my strength and all my training… I was the only child of Duma who survived. Let’s just do what we came here for and leave’ Trisscar shook her head and walked away from the stunned crowd. She clenched and unclenched her fists as she came upon the bonfire. The sun was setting now, it would be time for the ceremony's climax.
Gregory stood in front of a large podium. He had changed out of his long flowing robe and into a simple red sheet covering his essentials. Trisscar got in the line that was forming. Doubt plagued her mind about what she was going to do… and say. She needed to find resolve… to find strength. If only it were that easy to will it. In Lupercalia, you always set an intention for the coming year and cast an object representing your old regrets into the fire. The gods would hear your regrets and aid you in your goals if they deemed you worthy. Gregory's voice cut through the crowd. “Welcome! all assembled. We are pleased to once again welcome the Festival of Lupercalia and the start of summer. This is the culmination of weeks of hard work and effort by all involved. In case you are not aware I would like to draw your attention to our homecoming member. Trisscar welcome back! I’m glad you could join us for this most important and joyous time. Without further ado, let us begin the casting of the regrets!” His voice carried across the clearing. One by one people cried out their intentions to the sky, then threw in a trinket, Trisscar overheard some of the wishes, to be a better person, to love my spouse better, to prosper. Such matters she did not want to wish for. She knew what she had to do, and what she had to say. The more time passed the more certain her mind became. As the crowd in front of her grew shorter she pulled out her object. It was a string of beads given to all those who had gone on adventures or served the camp guard. The small ornately carved and colored beads represented all the incidents and adventures Trisscar had gone on. There were 23 beads in total, an impressive record given her 5 year stay at the settlement. As the line cleared she walked up to the fire and raised her head skyward. The heat washed over her and she started to sweat through the cool night air. “I intend to be the best Sage I can be. To see you pay for abandoning us on that day! I will not rest until you answer for yourselves!!! ” Trisscar snarled, throwing her necklace into the fire. The crowd around her murmured with nervous energy. Whispers of blasphemy and general disgust were mixed with nods and words of encouragement. Trisscar strode over to the podium. She was stopped by Gregory who grabbed her arm. “What do you think you’re doing!” He hissed “You made your point with your stunt. I think it would be best for everyone if you left.” Trisscar ripped her arm out from his grasp and took her place at the podium. She got the attention of those assembled by banging loudly on the side of the podium. “Everyone listen up! I have something to say. What happened six years ago was not our fault! It was a random attack by a wicked and cruel despot. Whatever pain and hatred you feel should be directed towards him. Our parents should have protected us but they didn't. I know many of you are hurting… but blaming me will not help that! I fought for us back then… and I am willing to again. I intend to find the gods… wherever they are. I intend to make them answer why they let their children be slaughtered like animals! Duma, Ninnian, Cyrus, Belphegor and all of them. I will not return until I have done so. Enjoy your Lupercalia…” Trisscars speech rang throughout the island. All eyes were fixed on her, waiting for her next move. Trisscar started walking away before tearing off into a dead sprint towards the north coast.
She ran to the small stone outcropping she hid on when she needed to be alone. Plopping down on her behind she stared up at the moon. Back home it was said to represent Ninnian, Goddess of the moon. There were so many children of Ninnian back home. Many of them fought alongside Triss in those days. She wondered if Ninnan still watched them through this moon. Trisscar snorted, if Ninnian saw anything through this moon she was either callous or stupid. “Damn this all. Why did I come back here? I knew how it was going to go from the moment I stepped foot here. I wish things could be different… I wish it could be easier.” Trisscar opined, casting a stone into the sea. It tumbled for a short while before becoming lost in the waves. Heaving a great sight Trisscar reached into her pockets and pulled out a small paper roll. Holding it in one hand she spoke a word and waved her hands. A small flame lit the cigarette and she brought it to her lips, puffing inward. She exhaled the sweet floral smoke into the cool night air. “Cassie… are you here? I… kinda followed you here” A voice called out from behind her. Trisscar did not turn to head to acknowledge the stranger. She knew who it was by the tone of their voice. “I’m not Cassie. I’m Trisscar. Just needed to get away from the crowd. Lupercalia has always made me antsy since we moved. You can go back to the party, Silus I’ll be OK here.” Trisscar bluntly stated taking a drag of her cigarette. Silus came around to sit down next to her. “I… Didn’t know you smoked. Cigarettes are really expensive now since we didn’t bring that many. Can I have one?” He asked. Trisscar pulled out another from her pocket and handed it to him. “It’s not tobacco. It’s moonflower from the mainland. Kinda similar but not really.” Silus eyed the roll with suspicion. Few had been off island for very long. Trisscar lit his cigarette with her magic causing him to jump. “Is… it safe? The moonflower I mean… I know smoking isn't good for you but.” Silus trailed off. “Silus… just smoke it or give it back to me. I'm not going to do this whole routine again.” She snapped, blowing a large cloud of smoke into the breeze. Silus took a breath in and exhaled out the smoke. It was sweet and slightly fragrant, though there was a bitter aftertaste that he couldn't get out of this mouth. He coughed a bit at the sudden change while Triss giggled. “Good right? Hell of a lot better than tobacco that's for sure. So, did you want to talk about something? Or were you thinking about smoking with me all night?” She questioned. He blinked while taking in the question. “You know… not everyone thinks about you like that. I know you’re mad about what happened at the javelin throw. You shouldn’t let one or two jerks ruin it for you.” Silus comforted her but she shrugged. “It's not about one or two people, it’s about this whole damn island! Everyone pretends like the gods still care about us and we should still worship them. Fuck that noise! Something awful happened to us back there and no one has heard from them since we moved. We’re better off moving forward on our own.” She spat out causing Silus to recoil. “I know you’re upset but I don’t think that's the answer. They're our parents and more importantly they’re gods. We need to stick together in this strange world and the gods bring us together.” Silus reasoned, taking a draw from his cigarette. Trisscar shook her head. “Not me. The entire time I’ve been in this world I’ve felt isolated and alone. And all I get is scorn and derision! Do you have any idea how many times I’ve heard ‘Why didn’t you try harder?’ I tried my fucking best! We all did… and I’m the only one left. The only child of the war god Duma still left in this world. They should have helped us! They offered us protection in the face of grave danger! Can you honestly tell me after what happened on that day, you still believe they are protecting us!?” Trisscar roared, stamping her finished cigarette onto the ground. Silus nodded, clenching his fists in anticipation of trouble. Trisscar did not respond, she quietly got up and lit another cigarette. She took a long drag and sighed out. “I’m glad that works for you then. I wanted to tell you earlier but… I took a position on the mainland. It’s with the Emerald Dawn… the people who saved us. I wanted to say goodbye in better circumstances. But… here we are, I guess.” Trisscar turned to leave but Silus cried out. “Wait! You’re just gonna leave? What about us?” Trisscar wheeled around eyes full of pain. “Silus… I thought it was obvious. We can’t be together if I’m not going to be on the Island. I want to find our parents and see what they have to say. Just… leave me alone now.” Trisscar muttered, walking off into the moonlit darkness. Her fragrant smoke drifted upwards towards the moon. She wondered if Ninnian could smell it from here. More importantly, she wondered what the goddess would have to say for her absence.