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It was a multiple hour drive to get into the small neighbourhood. Quiet streets, white picket fences, everything that made Andrew’s skin crawl. He parked the car on the drive way behind the cars that were already there, Aaron and Katelyn’s.
He steeled himself and got out of the car. The loss of Neil by his side was aching and he was close to turning right back around but made himself ring the doorbell instead.
Aaron opened the door, all cautious smiles and jittery energy as he met Andrew’s eyes. “Hi.”
“Hi,” Andrew copied.
Aaron smiled wanly, then gestured him in. Andrew didn’t miss the way Aaron looked behind him, expecting someone before closing the door.
“He’d rather play Exy than be here,” Andrew offered as explanation.
Aaron hummed. “Figures.”
‘I think you should go alone’ is what Neil had really said. ‘You two can use some one on one time’ but Andrew would be damned if he told Aaron that. One on one time, fuck that.
He got distracted by Aaron waving him inside the living room. It was a mess and it smelled like stale air and the curtains were half closed, but that all fell away when he turned to the glowing woman on the couch. As if all the energy in the room was directed at the small bundle she was holding in her arms and the tiny human in the cradle next to her. Aaron walked over but Andrew was glued to the ground. Only when Aaron beckoned him over did he manage to move, feeling Katelyn’s look on him and not wanting to be judged. She smiled at him, then looked at Aaron, her smile turning gentler, before looking back at Andrew again. The little girl in the cradle looked up at him with big blue eyes, a tuft of blond hair on top of her head. It was a complete shock to his system. It was surreal and idiotic and he couldn’t tell if he was liking this one bit, triggered halfway to hell, while simultaneously feeling immensely unworthy of being in the presence of something this purely good, some small creature this loved.
Aaron picked her up – with ease, as if he had been a father for far longer than just a week – and cradled her in his arms. “Do you want to hold her?”
“Absolutely the fuck not,” Andrew whispered, clasping his hands behind his back.
Aaron didn’t seem to take this personally. “Help yourself to anything in the kitchen.”
Andrew nodded and moved away from the new parents and the twins to go into the kitchen that was separated from the living room by a wall. He took a few deep breaths as he went through the fridge and cabinets to get something to drink. He heard the happy couple talking gently in the living room and strained his ears to hear, but they must be intentionally keeping their voices down.
When he returned Katelyn was putting the other tiny twin into the cradle. She kissed Aaron on the cheek, gave Andrew another silent yet sincere smile that he turned away from before she turned to leave the room.
“Oh Aaron, Josie is a little fussy, I think she wants to be held,” she supplied, turning halfway back.
“Josie hm?” Andrew couldn’t remember if he’d heard the twins their names yet.
The look Katelyn sent Aaron and the way Aaron went a little rigid was something palpable in the room. “Yeah, Josie,” he mumbled. “Short for Josephine. Named after a certain someone we know.”
Andrew’s world kind of turned sideways.
“You didn’t.”
“We did,” Aaron whispered.
Andrew heard Katelyn leave the room.
“Josephine and Michaela.”
“Aaron-“ Andrew whispered, voice suddenly hoarse.
Josephine and Michaela. Joseph and Michael. Andrew shook into movement, making a beeline for the door leading to the backyard. His breaths came ragged, not quite panic, not quite sadness. Pain perhaps. At what they had lost. Bittersweetness maybe. At immense love coated in old hurt. He grabbed for cigarettes that weren’t there, reached for someone that wasn’t here and he cursed Neil for leaving him to do this alone.
Bee’s voice spoke in his head and he forced his breathing to calm down. The cool outside air was like a salve on his restless energy and racing thoughts. He forced all his feelings, all his thoughts, back down. Josepine and Michaela. Unreal.
In the corner of his eye he saw the door open and Aaron stepped out, arms free of either twin. He leaned against the doorpost. “Katelyn and I each named one of them. I didn’t need to think too long about it. If I’m going to name my daughter after someone… of course it’s you. Makes sense to name her after the strongest, bravest man I know.”
“Shut the fuck up. Stop talking,” Andrew hissed to the sky.
Aaron only listened for a few seconds. “When I told Katelyn the name she started crying, though between you and me that was probably because of the hormones. But Michaela was in her top three names. And Michaela and Josephine seem to fit, don’t you think?”
Andrew grit his teeth, but nodded. Done with being put on the spot he ushered Aaron back inside, evading his gaze. They made their way to the twins who were fussing a little in their cradle.
“Can you hold Josie?” Aaron said, already holding the little human over to Andrew.
“I-“
“Just sit down and put her in your lap, it’s not that hard,” Aaron snapped slightly agitated and Andrew – not willing to risk the wrath of a newly parent – did as he was told. He sat down and Aaron handed him the bundle. She was so light, barely weighed anything. Such a small human being. She immediately stopped fussing, silently staring up at Andrew with those big eyes.
“Look,” Aaron mumbled as he sat down next to Andrew with Michaela, “she likes you.”
Andrew stared back at her, slightly transfixed. “Josephine,” he whispered.
“Is that- do you like the names?” Aaron asked, voice small.
A knife to the heart would hurt less.
“Yes,” he eventually said, when he trusted his voice to work. “Yeah I like the names.”
Aaron next to him took a deep breath and Andrew elected to ignore that and the implications it brought with it. As if Andrew could be anything but happy with the names. He was utterly and totally unworthy of the honour but Aaron had always made stupid decisions and he thought he would be pretty alright with this one.
Josephine chose that moment to grab Andrews finger, needing her entire hand to do so.
“We were this small once,” Aaron mumbled.
Andrew huffed.
Aaron’s voice was barely more than a whisper when he spoke next. “You know, I’ve never hated mother more than I did when I first held the twins after they were born.”
Andrew’s throat closed up.
“I can’t imagine giving them up. Not both, not one of them. Anything else, but not that.”
“Stop talking,” Andrew managed to whisper. “You’re really on a roll today huh.”
Aaron huffed a broken laugh.
“You’ll be a better parent than Tilda could ever dream of being,” Andrew said, needing anything, anything at all, to take the fire off of him. He’d said it before a few months back, when Aaron had called in the middle of the night, scared to death about the prospect of becoming a parent. Andrew meant it with all he had. Aaron really would do just fine. These kids would have better futures and more love in their youths than many foxes had. “And these kids will live better life’s than us,” he added.
Aaron took a deep breath.
Andrew pretended not to see Aaron wiping the tears away.
~
They ended up having an easy lunch before deciding to go outside and take a walk. They barely had any food in the house and it was nice out so they strolled casually to the grocery store, taking a side tour through the park. Andrew poked fun at the stroller just a little bit, and about how absolutely ridiculous Aaron looked with it. His little brother, the doctor in the white picket fence neighbourhood. His little brother, father of two girls. Making fun of it was the only way Andrew quite knew how to deal with that.
“So,” Aaron said suddenly because besides some casual remarks they’d been comfortably quiet. “How is Josten?”
“Well.”
He could hear Aaron roll his eyes. “What an elaborate response.”
Andrew shrugged.
“The season is going well, he must be happy about that.”
Andrew nodded. “Naturally.”
“Are you still having fun with Exy?”
“As much fun as I always do.”
“Which is a huge amount, I’m sure.”
“Hm.”
“And the cats?”
“Happy and a nuisance.”
Aaron nodded. “That’s good.”
Andrew grimaced and was grateful to go back to their silence.
~
They had eaten a simple diner, for which Andrew had done most of the cooking. Aaron had brought a groggy but satisfied Katelyn downstairs who claimed to have had the best sleep she’d ever had.
Aaron, for his part, was yawning almost non-stop at this point. After dinner Katelyn went back upstairs – staying away from Andrew or simply giving them space, Andrew didn’t know but for once he hoped it wasn’t the first one, though he didn’t spend too much time thinking on that – and Aaron and he sat down on the couch again with the twins, a tv programme gently playing in the background.
“Andrew?”
Andrew hummed. He had kind of figured Aaron had fallen asleep since he was so viciously nodding off. Andrew had just been staring at the tiny twin cradled to his own chest, little Josephine.
“You’re okay?”
Andrew raised an eyebrow, not taking his gaze of the little kid.
“In general, I mean.” Aaron shifted. “Just in life. Like- if you’re doing well.”
How his mental health had been, Aaron surely meant but refrained from pointing out. Andrew took a second. “Yeah, I’m okay.” It was odd to talk to Aaron like this. It wasn’t like they were estranged, nothing like that. But they rarely – if ever – spent any time with just the two of them. The occasional phone call barely counted. So he wasn’t used to talking to Aaron like this, but he was willing to try his hardest. “A little bit better every day.”
“Really?” For sanity’s sake he ignored the blatant hope in Aaron’s voice.
“Couple steps forward, couple steps backward. But the former seem to have the upper hand these days.”
“Good. That’s good,” Aaron mumbled.
“And you and- Neil, are really doing good?”
Andrew was taken by surprise by the corner of his mouth turning up. “Yes. Neil and I are good.”
“All is well then?”
“Stop it with the third degree. Yes, all is well, I can’t complain.” A few beats of silence. “All is well with you, too?”
Andrew ignored the smile in Aaron voice when he answered. “Yes, all is well.” He shifted and gave a more serious answer. “I’m doing well. I was scared as fuck before Katelyn went into labour, but really, I love these girls more than anything and after that all the rest is secondary. Apart from Katelyn herself, of course. My wife and my girls.”
Andrew scowled at the blatant love and satisfaction in Aaron’s voice. “Disgusting.” It was so homely, so normal. It was ridiculous, and it was exactly what Aaron wanted and deserved. Aaron was okay, and something inside of Andrew settled just a little more.
“Wouldn’t have made it without you,” Aaron mumbled.
Andrew rolled his eyes.
“I wouldn’t be sitting here right now and these girls wouldn’t have been born.”
“You don’t know that, maybe someone else would have taken pity on your sorry ass.”
Aaron just stayed silent, not sidetracked by his deflecting. Shuffling and then Aaron was leaning his forehead oddly against Andrew’s shoulder. “Is this okay?” he mumbled after a few stilted seconds.
Andrew – not daring to move a single muscle – hummed his agreement.
Aaron continued talking. “I feel like I’m on top of the world. I really have it all. I’ve made it. And I wouldn’t have without you, with or without you wanting to acknowledge that. My god have I hated you for it, for all you did.” It really started to sound like delirious sleepy rambling now. “But I’ve never thought all of it was more worth it than I do right now.”
A few moments passed. Andrew leaned back into the cushions, taking Aaron with him, nudging him so that he was more comfortably resting against Andrew. Aaron didn’t complain, just held on to the twin he was holding, and settled in, weight heavy against Andrew.
Minutes past before Andrew had the courage to speak again, hoping that Aaron was sleeping. “I would have done anything to get you here.”
For a moment, he thought he was lucky.
“You did.”
~
It was almost an entire hour later before Katelyn came back downstairs in search of her husband and kids. Andrew didn’t look up, didn’t move. Katelyn just stood there for a moment before she moved to the kitchen. Only when she started loading the dishwasher did Andrew get up.
“I’ll clean up, you take Josie.”
Katelyn, almost startled, turned around. She nodded and reached for Josie.
Andrew handed her over and the words tumbled out before he allowed himself to think twice. “Thank you. For-“ he gestured towards Josephine.
Katelyn smiled but it took her a second to talk to him and Andrew wanted to shoot his brains out for putting that hesitance there, for years of ignoring Katelyn point blank and refusing to speak to her. “No need. You mean the world to Aaron.” She said is so casually that Andrew almost could make sense of it. “I know what you’ve done for him and I know you’ve got a good heart. Deep, deep, deep down,” she smiled, and joked and Andrew didn’t know if he wanted to strangle himself or her more.
He just sidestepped to let her past him and started loading up the dishwasher, cleaning up the kitchen and picking up some more things off of the floor around the living room. Aaron had somehow slept through being moved and Katelyn was just taking the twin from his arms to move her upstairs. It was dark out and Andrew should really be driving back.
He woke Aaron up by speaking loud enough in his ear, habit making him not want to touch and the other option being hitting him with an object, which was actually pretty tempting.
But Aaron woke up. Slowly, and a little confused.
“Go upstairs, go to bed.”
“Katelyn-?”
“Is taking the kids upstairs as we speak.”
Aaron nodded vaguely and then got up.
“Are you- you’re alright to drive back?”
Andrew nodded.
“Okay then.” Aaron gestured towards the hallway and trailed Andrew outside. “Thank you, for coming by.” That it was the first and only time he had come to visit and actually spend time with Aaron alone went unsaid.
Andrew flinched. “Yeah, whatever.”
Aaron stuffed his hands in his pockets and huffed a laugh. “And, you know- I would love to have you around again.”
“You need sleep.”
“That too,” Aaron grinned. “It’s just- You can be a part of the girls their lives. If you want. I’m not saying we should see each other every week but just- don’t be a stranger, I guess.”
Andrew let the words hang between them, a little stumped.
Aaron shifted on his feet.
Andrew’s footsteps on the gravel were loud as he walked back up to Aaron and embraced him. “Idiot. Call me if you need anything.”
Aaron blew out a breath, arms carefully but firmly circling around Andrew in return. “Will do.”
Just as quickly as he had started it, he broke away from the embrace, not looking at Aaron as he did so, not quite managing that. But the feeling lingered and he tucked it safely away.
He got in the car and started it. A quick salute to Aaron, who mockingly copied him, and then he reversed the car, feeling his little brother’s stare on him as he did so.
It really all had been worth it.