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All he wanted was a hot shower and a decent night’s sleep so he could forget this day ever happened. A feat kinda hard to accomplish since he’d stupidly brought proof of it back to Alexandria in the form of a man calling himself Jesus, but whatever.
Rick groaned. That man was a tomorrow problem. The fact he wouldn’t come home bearing toothpaste for Michonne…that was a tonight problem. He really wanted to bring the woman her toothpaste. She deserved her damn toothpaste. And now it and all those valuable goods were lost to the bottom of a lake.
What a shitty, shitty day.
Just when he thought it couldn’t get worse, he overheard Maggie talking to Enid.
“Look, it was no big deal, okay? Thank you for worrying about me, really, but I have it handled.”
“You don’t need to be wanderin’ around the woods if you don’t have to be. That’s all I’m sayin’. I’m not here tryin’ta tell you what to do. I just want you to be careful. You matter, Enid.”
Rick frowned, suspecting Enid’s sudden trek into the woods had something to do with Carl. He should probably have a talk with his son about taking unnecessary risks…and about dragging Enid along for them.
“We weren’t even alone. Michonne and Spencer were sneaking around out there, too.”
“What were Michonne and Spencer doing out in the woods together?” Maggie asked the question Rick was suddenly thinking, because…what?
“How would I know? Looked intense. Kinda secretive though,” Enid said with the flippancy that teenagers had down to an art. “Maybe they’re like…ya know. A thing.”
Rick scowled. Michonne and Spencer were most certainly not a thing. He gritted his teeth to keep from interjecting his thoughts on the matter, since technically he was eavesdropping.
“Michonne and Spencer?” Rick detected the amusement in Maggie’s voice, supporting it wholeheartedly. “I don’t think so. Not that it’s any of our business. Stranger hook-ups have happened, I guess.” Rick glared at the back of Maggie’s head. That extra bit there at the end wasn’t necessary. “Forget I said that. Don’t know why I said that,” Maggie muttered, as if suddenly remembering she wasn’t talking to another adult.
“If they can be out there, why can’t I?”
“It’s different and you know it.”
“I’m pretty sure I’m at least as capable as Spencer,” Enid snorted. “Can this third degree be over now?”
“Ain’t giving you the third degree. Just lettin’ you know I care. Glenn and me, we care, okay?”
“Okay,” Enid grumbled before continuing on her way.
Rick was going to leave it at that, he really was, but Maggie happened to glance his way before he could back away. Since he was fully caught he decided to own it. “Guess you want to talk about that, huh?” Maggie sighed.
What was there to talk about? There was no way Michonne and Spencer were a fucking thing. Michonne was so capable. In everything she did. And Spencer? Spencer was kinda a tool. Not built for survival, though he seemed to be trying. Rick clenched his hands into tight fists as he considered it. Michonne had respected Deanna…a hell of a lot. That might make her willing to see something in Spencer that Rick wasn’t sure was there. Why were they in the woods together? He’d thought Michonne was on watch-duty for the day; and Spencer wasn’t exactly a hunter or a gatherer. More like a damn taker if you asked Rick, but he was keeping that to himself for the time being.
Maggie watched him closely, waiting for a reply. “If you think we should,” he managed.
“I know Carl keeps her safe when they go out like that, but I don’t know. Still makes me uneasy, I guess.”
Rick blinked. Oh yeah. Carl.
Maggie—shrewd as hell—didn’t miss the beat of confusion that crossed his face. “Wait, you don’t want to talk about Carl. You want to talk about Michonne. Her ‘n Spencer traipsing through the woods together, right?”
Yes, he did. “Nah. I’m sure it was nothing.”
“Yeah probably.” Maggie shrugged. It wasn’t reassuring.
“You don’t think it was nothing?” He pressed, trying to sound casual even as his gut tensed in rebellion. What the hell was happening right now? He’d been gone for one damn day. He’d lost the damn toothpaste. He really wished he had the damn toothpaste right now.
“How would I know? You don’t like him much though, do you? Spencer?”
“I’ve been wrong about people before,” he acknowledged reluctantly. “He’s shown growth.” But there was something there lurking underneath the other man’s placid expression that Rick couldn’t fully trust, no matter how much he had liked Deanna or Reg. “Guy like that…he’s like a sponge. He only knows how to take.” He’d soak up Michonne’s goodness and strength and leave her neither in return. Not that they were even a thing. He knew down to the marrow of his bones that whatever they were doing in the woods had nothing to do with what most people went sneaking off to the woods to do. What Lori and…
He jabbed the intrusive taunt his mind tried to conjure far, far back. Lori and Shane thought he was dead. Now they were dead. And none of it mattered anymore.
So, if he knew nothing was happening between Michonne and Spencer…why the hell was he so bothered?
Because he had no claim on Michonne. She was his family…his friend…hell, his whole damn person. But she could meet whoever she wanted in the woods. The possibility…it gutted him.
“You know what I think?” Maggie asked softly, the gentle wisdom in her tone reminding him so much of Hershel, it hurt.
He let out a long-suffering sigh. He was being dramatic, but fuck it, he didn’t care. He still needed that hot shower…even more so now that he was having an internal crisis over Michonne possibly belonging to someone else. “I’m sure you’re gonna tell me.”
“Damn straight, I am. You’re not worried about Spencer. You’re not worried about Spencer at all. I mean come on. It’s Spencer. And Michonne. No, you’re worried about whoever comes after Spencer.”
He hadn’t been until today. Until this very moment. He suddenly felt foolish. Reckless. Having her so close and not sealing the deal…not making damn sure she understood he didn’t want her anywhere else but by his side.
“What are you doing, Rick?” Maggie gave a forlorn shake of her head. “One day someone’s gonna come along and it won’t matter how much they respect you. Or how much they fear you. Being with her will be worth risking your wrath.”
“My wrath? I wouldn’t be wrathful,” he scoffed. Would he? He was a grown-ass man. But it’s Michonne, an inner voice derided. You’d start wars for her.
“I said what I said,” Maggie countered with a breezy smile, as if she wasn’t knee-deep calling him out on all his bullshit. “Course, you could avoid all that if you take care of business now. What are you so scared of? It’s not her not feeling the same. It can’t be.”
Rick’s lips pressed together. He rubbed the back of his neck, quietly owning the truth. “I don’t wanna wreck something that works.” Worked damn well. And sure, he wasn’t so oblivious that he didn’t feel the attraction that had been simmering between them for a while now…hell, maybe from the very beginning. But she might not want to risk wrecking what they had either. Maybe he’d been firmly friend-zoned. Worse, Michonne was basically Carl’s best friend and a mother figure to Judith. Maybe he’d been co-parent-zoned. Was that even a thing?
He'd feel a whole lot more confident about all this if he had a tube of toothpaste in his pocket right now. Did fucking Spencer have toothpaste? He seemed like the kind of asshole to go hoarding more than his share.
“The two of you? Nah. You’re the kind that builds on something good and makes it even better,” Maggie predicted. “That’s who you are, Rick. Who Michonne is.”
“Guess you definitely know something about that.” Maggie and Glenn…the love they shared…it gave him hope. It gave everybody hope.
“The world we live in…I have to believe this will all work out. That me n’ Glenn will have a long life together. I can’t believe any other way. But if we don’t, I won’t regret a single moment I got to spend lovin’ him. Or a single moment he loved me in return.”
Rick closed his eyes for a moment, letting her words sink in.
Carl, Judith, and Michonne—the first three things he thought of every morning, their names at the forefront of his mind and deeply rooted in the core of his heart. Carl, Judith, and Michonne.
Carl was his reason.
Judith was his reason.
And Michonne…Michonne was his reason. He’d never known someone who could take all his darkness--the violence and anger that existed alongside the goodness and light—and meet it…embrace it…soothe it until he felt human again. Michonne was that person. His person. And, she understood him in a way no one ever had. No one ever would again.
He couldn’t let her go. Couldn’t keep playing house with her without at least asking if things could change…if he could touch her the way he wanted. Hold and kiss her. Have her. “Hey Maggie? I got something important to ask.”
Maggie’s eyes narrowed suspiciously.
“Do you have any extra toothpaste?”
“Oh no. I may be firmly on this ship, but you ain’t getting my toothpaste, Rick.”
“It’s for the greater good.”
“Answer’s still no.”
“It was worth a try,” Rick grumbled, his gaze softening as he took her in, this woman once a stranger, now his family. “Thanks Maggie.”
“You’re welcome. I hope it works out. I got a good feeling.”
Rick did, too. Deep down in that core of him where Carl, Judith, and Michonne lived and grew. Though he didn’t know what step to take next. How to broach the topic of becoming more. It suddenly felt like he’d been waiting for the inevitable forever. Could he wait a little longer? Maybe until he had toothpaste. He smiled a little to himself as he walked away, imagining himself doing a deep dive into that lake, Michonne’s personal Toothpaste Warrior. Something that vaguely felt like hope sang in his chest. He and Michonne were built for more. To love. To last. To survive. Together.