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There's a truth that I won't ever come to accept, and that is that people have a better life than me.
I see my coworkers talking to each other, no overexaggeration when they say that they care, and I begin to feel jealous about that. I want to care, but there's been a barrier placed between me and others for years, something that I can't control.
I'm an annoyance. I know that, because everybody tells me, or at least makes it known when I'm in their vicinity. Somehow, I like this feeling, because at least if they don't like talking to me, I don't have to deal with them inevitably getting disappointed in me.
So why? Why do I care that I'm alone? Why do I care about this need for affection? Why do I crave so much attention?
I suppose it's because I've never had it before. I'm filled with jealousy when it comes to seeing people be with their friends.
Grav has Warp, Hyperlaser has Katana, and me...
Well, I have Medkit, but he doesn't like me very much. I can understand why. Our personalities are drastically different, and if anything, I'm more of a hassle to deal with to him.
I think I bother too much. That's what my problem is. I enjoy everyone's eyes on me even if the attention I receive is negative. At least that means they know that I exist alongside them, even if my existence isn't appreciated, and that acknowledgement is enough for me.
There's a lot wrong with me and how I act. No normal person is born like this, so it's because how I was raised, most likely. The Inpherno isn't the happiest place, and neither is Blackrock, especially with how I've grown up.
I don't mean to sound ungrateful. I've gotten to work on many inventions, but at the same time, I didn't sign up for this either. I am more than willing to work, but I wish that I could please my mentors and everyone around me, but I know that it won't mean anything in the end.
At the end of the day, it's obvious that I'm expendable, an easy person to replace. It hurts to realize that, but it is the truth, no matter how much I run from it.
Despite that, I don't wish to die or quit, I'll just keep going as I am. Maybe I will change, I'm not too far gone for that, but it's just a matter of time to see what happens and if I'll get the motivation for it.
It isn't easy, not when the pressure is constantly being put on me, and I know that I will fail people countless times.
But I want to mean something, anything, to someone.
I think that my biggest fear is being forgotten, so even when I die, I'll be grateful that I've done something to change the world. I'll keep pushing despite my flaws, despite the times where I feel useless, and I'll continue for my sake.
I'll end up alone, maybe, but I can still have an impact on people. I hope to leave something behind, a trace of myself, so people can see what I've done and praise me for it for years to come.
That's what it means to live for me. To continue on through hardships, to make my presence known, to finally get what I want the most in life.
Though, I'll never have what I want. I know that I won't, because what I want is to be happy and I'll never truly be happy, but this is enough.
For now, this is enough.