Chapter Text
“What did it mean to uphold a legacy? To maintain your family's honor and prestige? Do you follow orders without second thoughts? Be cordial with guests not to build friendships but your own image? Where was chivalry in all of this?”
Xingqiu’s quill scrabbled along the paper under candlelight, filling up the empty pages as he continued drafting his latest story. Well, he was trying to draft at the very least. The trash bin filled with crumpled up parchment made it evident that he wasn’t getting far. It was just… difficult to write after the rough day he’s had, or rough week depending on how you look at it.
It all revolved around his first book, ‘The Legend of the Sword’. He took the original manuscript to the publishing house on Monday, hoping for the best. Xingqiu initially thought that while his novel was unconventional, it was still fairly entertaining and engaging to read.
Or… at least he thought it was.
Not even bothering with a second glance, the publishers rejected him on the spot, not even caring to mince their words. While Xingqiu obviously didn’t memorize most of the criticisms, the general gist he received was that the setting was both ‘terribly outlandish and unbelievable’ and the plot was ‘banal’.
Though he was originally quite hurt, he managed to recover quickly. Okay, maybe they just weren’t a fan of light novellas, or perhaps fictional literature in general? Xingqiu already knew that the audience he was trying to reach would be a smaller one. Perhaps instead of trying to reach though to critics, he should aim to see how the common folk react instead?
The day after he decided to take it into his own hands to sneak the book into Wanwen book house. Xingqiu decided that if he could see at least one person enjoy his novel, then the book was worth writing and that he didn’t waste his time on a ‘wildly outlandish scenery with a banal plot’.
It was there he witnessed firsthand just how right the publishers were when approximately 72 people walked by his book, glanced at it, and then turned away disinterested.
That was a heavier blow to walk away from. It was one thing to receive criticism from another person. It was another matter entirely when that criticism turned out to be true. Xingqiu always told himself to let insults flow off of him like a leaf would with drops of water. This moment however, felt more like an entire bucket of water was dumped on him rather than a drop.
It was this morning that he tried asking his parents if he could publish his novel overseas, to Inazuma or Mondstadt perhaps. What he didn’t realize was that upon telling his parents this, he was revealing to them that instead of focusing on his studies he was instead focused on writing a book for the past year.
It didn’t matter that Xingqiu told them he only wrote during his spare time, or that he dutifully finished all of his chores and work before even considering it, he was unspared from the two-hour lecture that followed.
And that brought him to right now. After promising his parents during the argument that he would no longer spend any effort on writing, here he was in the dead of night committing to writing a new story. Never before has he so openly defied his parent’s wishes. But then again, never before have they so thoroughly trampled over his desires. He was willing to face their fury should he get discovered. Right now? He preferred if he didn’t get caught in the first place.
Well, he preferred if he didn’t get caught and he could actually write something. For some reason on top of the already horrible week he was having, life decided to drop an author’s worst nightmare on top of him: writer’s block.
Xingqiu cursed as his pot of ink nearly threatened to spill on his parchment. Luckily he was able to catch it in time. It wasn’t even a mild writer’s block. It was the greatest one he’s ever had! For the past two hours every time he tried to pick up the pen, he would hesitate. Every time he tried to think of another scene, his imagination would cease. It was as if his motivation was being actively bled dry like a… like a… D’oh! He couldn’t even come up with a proper metaphor in his own thoughts!
It all came back to his family. He could care less about the success of his book. He already knew that if he put enough effort into it, there would have to be someone who would want to read it. His parents just wouldn’t let him at least try to find said person! They weren’t being fair! Even though they loved both him and his brother with all of their hearts, they refused to acknowledge anything he did! Either what he was learning was beneath him and unworthy of his time, or it required too much skill to learn and he was better off learning something more practical!
Oh, what’s that Xingqiu? Do you have an interest in modern literature and the history of sword fighting? Ugh! Can’t you see how irrelevant that is?! Focus on your studies!
Hmm, what do we have here Xingqiu? Did you single-handedly revive the Guhua Clan and by extension an important part of Liyue’s history? That’s nice, but you should really get back to your homework.
Do my eyes deceive me, Xingqiu, or did you master an entire sword fighting technique in the span of four years? Eh, good for self defense I suppose. Just make sure to attend this meeting later today, not to actually listen to anything of course, you just have to show your face.
Xingqiu gritted his teeth as he continued writing, clutching his quill tighter and tighter. It was maddening! It was as if nothing he said actually mattered in the grand scheme of things! How was it that Chongyun was more supportive in his endeavours than his own family? How was that even possible! How was-
*Snap*
Xingqiu blinked as the quill he was holding was now broken in two. He scowled at it. Great, his anger got the best of him and now look at what he did. How was he supposed to be the ‘chivalrous hero’ he dreamed of being when he couldn’t even control his own emotions?
“Calm down, you are to calm down.” He lectured himself, inhaling deeply before letting out a careful exhale. He slowly discarded the quill he was using before and grabbed a new one. He dipped it into the inkpot and began writing once more. At this point he wasn’t sure what he was writing. He figured that if he just put his thoughts onto the paper he’d eventually come up with something original.
“These were questions that plagued the young noble, doubt taking its lecherous hold and spreading like poison. It dripped from his being as dewdrops formed from morning rain. ‘How?’, he asked himself. ‘How is it that I can be born with gold at my feet and a roof over my head, and yet when I look forward I see nothing?’. I-”
Xingqiu abruptly stopped. He took a brief moment to reread what he just wrote. His eyes widened as the realization struck.
“By Rex Lapis...” He thought, disbelieving. “Did I just insert myself into my own novel?!”
No sound could be heard from the young noble’s study. Then, Xingqiu twitched. He gripped the quill in his fist tight enough to where it snapped once more. Ink splattered all over the page but he couldn’t care less. So much for creating something original. All he had written so far was just one self-depreciating joke with him as the punchline. Maybe this was why his first story was rejected. Because all they could see was some spoiled brat who was obsessed with himself and his fantasies.
Yeah… he was just some spoiled brat... who would be obsessed with shoving his sword DOWN THEIR THROATS-
The whiplash from those thoughts were strong enough to cause him to gasp, his expression absolutely mortified. Where the hell did that horrifying thought come from? How could he even dream thinking of something so monstrous, no matter how far he’s been pushed? How dare he? How dare he even dream of being a so-called ‘hero’ when these are his thoughts?
He did his best to calmly set aside the paper on his desk, swallowing down the outburst that threatened to spill. He wasn’t sure if the burning feeling behind his eyes was a result from a lack of sleep or him trying to hold back frustrated tears. Maybe both?
Goddammit, why was he so frustrated in the first place? What gave him the right to be frustrated? Xingqiu wasn’t an idiot; he knew that compared to most of Liyue’s populace he was more than well off. Excluding Ningguang and the rest of the Qixing, the Feiyun Commerce Guild was considered the wealthiest group in all of Liyue Harbour. To be the heir of it, even if he was the second, was a position that many would literally kill for.
By all means he should’ve been more than satisfied with what he had, Rex Lapis himself knows that others would be if they even had a fraction of his family’s wealth.
But… wealth didn’t matter to him, did it? No, all that he desired from life was to become the chivalrous hero like the ones he read about in all of his stories. Okay, that answers why what he had at the moment wasn’t sufficient. But in theory couldn’t he still become the chivalrous hero he wanted with wealth and status alone? If he were more naive, he could simply march in on any market and throw money at any problem. Buying ice cream and toys for children or giving generous donations for struggling businesses. Both would instantly make him the most popular noble in Liyue Harbour.
But that wasn’t what he was looking for, was it? To him, the satisfaction involved with doing those good deeds came not from the outcome, but the intention and method of doing so. Fighting off a bandit to return someone’s stolen property sounded much more appealing compared to buying the toy that a child wanted.
“So that’s the answer.” Xingqiu concluded. “I can’t write a good story about chivalry because I have yet to actually experience such things myself. And I can’t experience such things myself so long as I am bound to the Feiyun Commerce Guild.” The revelation wasn’t anything new, this was just the first time that Xingqiu verbalized it. And now that he had, he still had no idea what to do about it? It wasn’t as if he could suddenly abandon his family, right?
Xingqiu sighed as he blew out his candle and prepared to go to bed. It would seem that he would have to consult with someone tomorrow.