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Ace woke with a choked off gasp, bolting upright in his bed. He could feel the sweat on his back and soaked into the sheets tangled around his legs, the smell of smoke and ash thick on his tongue. Burning reds and oranges flickered behind his eyelids every time he closed his eyes and the roar of the fire loud in his ears.
His breathing was loud in the room and it took several moments before rational thought trickled back in. He was in his room, by himself, Sabo was down the hall and Luffy was still on shift.
Ace grabbed his phone off the nightstand, wincing both at the bright light and the 4:45 AM that stared back at him. He unlocked his phone, barely noticing the picture of him and Marco on his lockscreen, and checked Luffy’s location, letting out a sigh of relief that it was registering at the firehouse.
Still, he couldn’t stop the way his hands shook, the way his mind whispered but what if at him.
>> Lulu
Hey, proof of life?
Ace almost didn’t register his own actions as he texted his youngest brother, feet hitting the floor as he got up. He moved almost silently into the hall and down to Sabo’s room, quietly opening the door when he got there.
Nightmares were common between the three of them, this little song and dance something they were all too used to at this point. So Ace felt little to no guilt over the brief invasion of privacy as he gazed at Sabo’s sleeping form. The even breathing of his twin settling his nerves quickly, letting him close the door and go back to his room before he woke the other.
By the time he had finished his little check and made it back to his room, Luffy had texted him back. Ace opened his phone to see a selfie of Luffy that made him smile, his breathing finally evening out. Luffy was grinning and holding a peace sign while crouching over the passed out form of Zoro in what seemed to be the main room of the firehouse.
<< Lulu
Nightmare?
>> Lulu
Yeah. I’m good now. Thanks.
It was only a slight lie, Ace felt better, though he knew the shakes were going to take a while to settle and he wouldn’t be able to get any more sleep. He was too jittery to sit still but still too tired to try to do much.
He bit his lip and drummed his fingers before he picked his phone back up.
>> Birdie
Hey you up?
He knew Marco had an early morning shift, they had tentative evening plans for later but they hadn’t been together long enough that Ace knew how early early was. He figured worst case scenario Marco would text him back later, either because he was still asleep or already at work, but he was a bit surprised when his phone immediately started ringing.
“Hey,” Ace greeted with a sigh.
“Good morning, gorgeous,” Marco greeted in a teasing tone. He sounded tired, but didn’t quite have the gravely tone that it usually did when he had just woken up.
“Morning, I didn’t wake you, did I?” he asked, free hand fiddling with the hem on his blanket.
“Nah,” Marco assured easily. “I just got out of the shower and was in the process of making a cup of coffee.”
“Oh, okay,” Ace breathed a bit easier. He could faintly hear the sound of clanking in the background, likely a spoon in Marco’s coffee mug as he stirred in a stupid amount of sugar into his drink.
“What are you doing up so early? I thought you were on your off shift,” Marco asked easily.
“I am,” Ace agreed, leaning back against his headboard. “Just, you know, woke up and knew I wasn’t going to get back to sleep.”
“Ah,” Marco hummed, Ace could hear him take a drink before he continued, “nightmare?”
Ace flinched and let out a harsh breath, “Yeah.”
“That sucks,” Marco said, no judgement or pity in his tone, letting Ace relax a little more. “You wanna talk about it? Or just talk in general? I’ve got like,” Marco paused for just a moment, “25 minutes before I need to leave for work.”
“It’s no big deal,” Ace insisted. “I’ve calmed down now, just didn’t really want to be alone, I guess.”
“Yeah I get that,” Marco sighed. “As much as I don’t like that it was a nightmare that got you up, I can’t say that I’m upset about getting to start my day hearing your voice.”
Ace was so thankful that he wasn’t in front of Marco at that moment as he could feel his cheeks heat up. “Marco, you can’t just say things like that,” he whined, making Marco laugh.
“It’s just so frustrating that I can deal with fucking horrific shit with no issues in my day to day, but a fucking nightmare takes me out,” Ace complained with a sigh.
“Yeah I get that,” Marco agreed easily. “I’m sure my therapist would have something to say about control in the situation, but I’ll admit that I chose my field of interest because psychology was just beyond me.”
Ace felt his breath catch in his throat and he had to clear his throat a few time before he could respond.
“You okay, firefly?”
“Yeah,” Ace cleared his throat again. “I just never expected you to be someone who went to therapy, I guess.” As soon as the words were out of his mouth, Ace wanted to hit himself. “Shit! That wasn’t what I–I didn’t mean it like–Fuck!”
Marco interrupted Ace’s babbling with another laugh. “It’s fine, Ace, I get it. It’s still hard for a lot of people to admit to needing help. I’ve been going on and off for long enough that it doesn’t bother me. Between the high stress job and the mountains of childhood trauma, I’ve been in therapy for a long time.”
“Yeah, me too,” Ace admitted quietly.
“I’m glad you have someone,” Ace thought he could hear the smile in Marco’s voice.
Ace let out a sigh and stretched. “Man I’m going to be exhausted later,” he grumbled, rubbing at his eyes.
“Yeah I’d bet, the last text you sent me was a little after midnight,” Marco chuckled. “How about this, I was planning on laying down for a bit before our date. Why don’t I text you when I’m on my way home and we can take a nap together and then decide what we’re feeling up to?”
Ace blinked for a moment, confused. “You’d be okay with that?” he asked.
“Yeah, of course. Like I said I was going to take a nap anyways and I like getting to sleep with you. It’s a win-win for me, firefly,” Marco said.
Ace smiled, “Well then it sounds like a plan to me. Just let me know when you’re on your way home then.”
“It’s a date,” Marco teased. “Alright, I’ve got to head out. I’ll talk to you later.”
“Have a good day at work, babe. Text me when you’re free,” Ace responded before hanging up.
Ace looked around his room with a sigh. There was a book on his nightstand with the bookmark about halfway through, some fantasy Dungeons and Dragons novel Sabo had recommended that felt like too much for his tired mind at the moment. His art supplies were strewn across his desk with a half finished sketch staring back from his sketchbook, but his hands still felt too shaky to make any progress that he wouldn’t hate. With another sigh, he unplugged his Switch and settled back against the headboard, maybe a few rounds of Tetris would help him settle back into his skin.
By the time Sabo woke up an hour and a half later, Ace was in the kitchen with a large cup of coffee omelets cooking in the pan and a second set of toast in the toaster.
“I know it’s not our birthday, and I’m pretty sure you haven't done anything annoying enough that you’d make me breakfast in apology,” Sabo mused half asleep but concerned. “Are you okay?”
Ace scoffed as he turned an omelet over into a plate to shove over to Sabo. “Woke up early and couldn’t get back to sleep, figured I’d make breakfast so I could make sure you took your pills,” he said.
“Everything alright?” Sabo asked, accepting the food.
“Nightmare,” Ace shrugged and went back to the pan.
“Shit, that sucks,” Sabo sighed. “The fire?”
“A fire,” Ace shrugged again, plating the rest of the food and joining Sabo at the table. “It was blurry enough that I’m not sure if it was the actual memory or just a bunch of shit.”
“It’s the worst way to start the day,” he agreed. “At least you’ve got an easy day.”
“Yeah, Nikki’s office opens at nine, I’m going to see if she can squeeze me in for a quick session this afternoon, then I’m going to head over to Marco’s for a nap before we go out to dinner,” Ace played with his food as he explained his day plan, the biggest indicator that he wasn’t quite back in his own head yet.
Sabo paused for just a moment, “Don’t you have her direct number?”
“Hm?” Ace glanced back up before frowning. “That’s for emergencies, this is not an emergency.”
Sabo scowled and Ace sighed.
“I promise you, Sabo, this is not an emergency,” Ace looked Sabo dead in the eyes. “I’m alright, ‘Bo, I just had some thoughts I wanted to work through and I wanted to get it in before our next appointment.”
Sabo’s shoulders relaxed and he nodded, letting the subject drop. “I’m in court all day, so I won’t have access to my phone. Koala will be at the office, though, so if you need me you can call her,” he said before scarfing down the rest of his food.
Ace rolled his eyes, “Anyways, I’m going to try to get laundry done before I head out. Set your hamper in the laundry room if you want me to throw yours in.”
0808
By the time 3:00 came around, Marco was happy to be pulling into his drive. For some reason those early morning shifts just kept getting harder and harder for him, though the morning was made a lot easier getting to talk to Ace first thing in the morning. For just a moment, Marco wondered if actually having Ace there would make it even better before he shook the thought away. It was far too early in their relationship for that. It had only been a few months since they managed to have their first date, Marco could store the idea of living together away for a long while longer.
The garage door hadn’t even finished opening when Ace’s truck pulled in behind him, the sound of an electric guitar barely audible though both cars, making Marco smile as he pulled the Nisan into the garage.
“Hey,” Ace greeted as Marco got out of the car.
“Hey, yourself,” Marco grinned as Ace came into the garage with a smaller smile, a black duffle bag thrown over his shoulder. He looked tired, Marco thought, but it didn’t take away from his charm.
Marco snagged him around the waist as soon as he was close enough and reeled him into a hug. He smiled into Ace’s hair as the younger man relaxed into his hold with a sigh. Ace nuzzled into Marco’s shoulder as he wrapped his arms around him, bag falling to the floor with a thump.
“You staying over tonight?” Marco asked, still perfectly content in Ace’s arms.
Ace shrugged carefully, “Figured I’d probably want to shower and change if we decided to actually go anywhere. Either way, doesn’t hurt to have a change of clothes.”
“Love a man with a plan,” Marco teased. Ace chuckled quietly before letting out another long breath. “Come on, I’ve been looking forward to this nap all day.”
Ace laughed but stepped back to pick up his bag. “By all means, lead the way then.”
He followed Marco into the house, hitting the button to close the door on his way past, and up the stairs to Marco’s room. Marco laughed as Ace dropped his bag by the door, stripped out of his clothes and shoes, tossed his phone on the nightstand, and flopped face first onto the bed.
“Tired, firefly?” Marco teased quietly, he kicked off his own shoes and sat down next to Ace, gently running his fingers through his dark hair.
Ace hummed and tilted his head to look at the blond. “It’s not been a very relaxing day off, to be honest,” he sighed.
“Yeah, I can tell. Give me just a second to get comfortable and then we can sleep for a bit,” Marco promised.
Ace just hummed again and wiggled until he was curled under the blankets while Marco stripped out of his scrubs. He climbed into bed and was abruptly happy with his choice to not throw on a pair of sweats when Ace immediately latched onto him and sighed happily into his bare chest.
Marco leaned over and flicked off the bedside lamp before pulling Ace into his arms and running his hand soothingly down his back. It didn’t take long for Ace’s breathing to even out, and Marco followed quickly behind.
He wasn’t sure how long they had been asleep when a shrill ring pierced through his sleep and had him blinking his eyes open. Ace groaned as the phone rang again, but sat up and answered it.
“Portgas,” he answered, voice gravely as he rubbed at his eyes. “Oh, hey Nikki.”
Marco sat up, turned on the lamp, and leaned against the headboard as Ace spoke, yawning as he watched the younger.
“No, nothing major. If you had an opening today I was going to see if you could squeeze me in, but it wasn’t a huge deal,” he was quiet for a moment, listening to the person on the other line. “God, you sound like Sabo. Yes I know I can call you directly in an emergency, no this wasn’t an emergency. I just had a nightmare that had me off kilter all day, and I had a few things I wanted to run past you if I could get in before next week.” Another pause, “No, I got some work done around the house and I’m over at my boyfriend’s now. You woke us up, actually.”
Marco could see Ace hunch his shoulders a bit like he was embarrassed, and Marco couldn’t have that. He leaned forward and laid his hand on Ace’s shoulder, guiding him to lay back with his head on Marco’s thigh so Marco could card his fingers through Ace’s hair again, giving him a smile. Ace smiled back before he rolled his eyes at whatever the person on the phone said.
“I don’t know, Nikki. Like an hour? Two at max?” Ace responded. “It’s fine, I’m fine, and it can wait until next week because you kinda made it a now problem. Not in a bad way, just it can’t wait now. Yeah, I’ll talk to you next week. Bye, Nikki.”
Ace hung up the phone and took a long, measured breath. Marco just kept running his fingers through his hair, waiting for Ace to decide.
“That was my therapist, Nikki,” Ace said after a few moments. “I called this morning to see if she could get me in today because I wanted to talk to her about something before I told you.”
Marco hummed to show he was listening. “You know you don’t have to tell me anything if you’re not ready,” he said.
“I know,” Ace said quietly. “But I really want us to work out and I feel like you should know about this. Scratch that,” Ace interrupted as Marco opened his mouth. “I want you to know, because I want you to be able to help if I need you to. It’s just not easy to talk about.”
“Okay,” Marco agreed, still stroking his hair, “take your time.”
Ace took a deep breath, then another, and closed his eyes before saying, very quietly, “I tried to kill myself about four years ago.”
Marco felt his breath catch in his chest and he had to force himself to keep breathing, to keep stroking Ace’s hair without faltering.
“I spent a month in a psychiatric ward on suicide watch,” Ace continued. “I have depression on top of a mountain of trauma and a high stress job and it all just got to be too much. I’m not proud of it, but it happened. They got me on some medication that was helping and a shit ton of therapy and I had to be cleared by like three psychiatrists before I could go back to work, but it was helping. Once I was cleared to go back to work, I got a new therapist. We didn’t really see eye to eye, but he kept me on my meds and in my right head enough that I was doing okay. About a year ago I started back sliding, though.”
“Ace, sweetheart, you don’t have to keep going if you don’t want to,” Marco tried to soothe as Ace stopped to breathe. He could feel how badly Ace was shaking.
Ace shook his head, “If I don’t tell you now, I’ll chicken out and never tell you.” Ace took another moment to get his breathing to even out.
“What happened a year ago, then?” Marco asked gently.
“The formula for my medication changed and they weren’t working as well and I had stopped going to that therapist. And Luffy got promoted,” Ace admitted. “I was proud of him, don’t get me wrong, and I still am. He worked his ass off to be captain and he deserved the promotion, but we never hid the fact that we were family and it started to cause tension in the house. People started accusing Luffy of favoritism with me and telling me that I was only getting certain shifts and time off because Luffy was my brother. So I started taking on more shifts and stopped asking for days off. I didn’t want to cause Luffy any problems, or make him think that he was causing me any issues, so I kept quiet and kept working. Sabo noticed and got Luffy involved. They staged an intervention, they were worried I was showing suicidal tendencies, and honestly? Looking back, they may have been right. I just knew at the time that I wanted to cause as little problems for the people I loved, so I kept my mouth shut and did what I felt I needed to do. They drug me to Nikki, she was a friend of a friend of Sabo’s, to try and get me to work out my shit. That was about six or seven months ago. Nikki’s been great, she really dug into the problem and has been helping a lot and she got me on medication that works better than the first one did. But now they all worry.”
Marco was quiet for a minute. He had stopped stroking Ace’s hair and instead had cupped his cheek in his hand, thumb gently brushing his cheekbone. He had to swallow a few times before he was sure his voice wouldn’t break.
“You are so strong, Ace,” Marco murmured.
“Marco, I just admitted that I tried to kill myself and then refused to enforce any boundaries that led to me almost killing myself again,” Ace scoffed.
“And yet, here you are,” Marco smiled. “You’re still here, and still so amazing.”
Ace closed his eyes and Marco could see him swallow a few times. When he opened his eyes again they were glassy with barely contained tears.
“I was nervous to tell you,” Ace admitted. “I didn’t think you’d take it terribly, but I wasn’t sure. Then you mentioned your therapist this morning and I realized that you probably would get it. But I wanted to talk to Nikki about how to tell you, and I was just so… off today so when she didn’t call me back I figured I’d just talk to her about it next week, but then she woke us up and I felt like you deserved an explanation.”
Marco urged Ace up and manhandled him until he was seated in Marco’s lap. Marco pulled him into a chaste kiss, soft and loving as he held Ace’s face in his hands. Marco pulled back when he felt the wetness on Ace’s face and he used his thumbs to brush away the tears.
“Ace, you have no idea how much it means to me that you trusted me enough to tell me this, but please, never think that you have to tell me something like this. I don’t mind waiting until you’re ready to tell me these kinds of things. I mean, fuck firefly, I don’t think I’m ready to tell you about a lot of my childhood,” Marco murmured.
Ace laughed a little and tilted his face further into Marco’s hand. “I’m sorry, this probably ruined our date night, didn’t it?”
“Don’t be ridiculous,” Marco said, kissing Ace again, “it’s barely 4:30. We could lay down for another hour and then decide what we want to do.”
Ace took another deep breath in and nodded, giving Marco a real smile. “Nikki was worried I was depression napping again,” he chuckled.
“Well, you’ll have to make sure to let her know that, as an emergency room doctor, I am a huge supporter of a midday nap,” Marco teased.
Ace laughed, brighter this time, and rested his forehead against Marco’s.
“Thank you,” he breathed, “for being so understanding.”
“Nothing to thank me for,” Marco assured.
They sat quietly together for a little while longer as Ace processed the last half hour. Eventually, Ace slumped against Marco’s shoulder with a long breath.
“You really are something special, Ace,” Marco murmured, holding him tight.
“I think you’re pretty special, too,” Ace responded.
They were both too wound up now to sleep, Marco knew this, but he was pretty content to just sit and soak in each other's company. Later, they would shower and get dressed and go out to dinner. Later they would need to talk a bit about how Ace managed his depression and what Marco was willing to do to help when things got bad. Later they would both wonder if it was too early to say those three words that meant so much. But for now, for now they both took comfort in the physical contact, thankful that the other was here with them.