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2 years. Smitty had been on HRT for about 2 years.
It took a long time for the change to take effect, about 5 months for Smitty to notice his tone getting lower, although there were many voice cracks. He had changed his appearance drastically, even before undergoing HRT, to appear more masculine, but his voice was still feminine. Smitty had gone his whole life like this, until college. He was free from his transphobic parents and was somehow, maybe a work from God himself, able to make enough money for HRT medication. It was a lot of money spent, and even more for refills. Not to mention, he was attending college and had to pay for his tuition. Smitty was shocked that he wasn't on the streets begging for pennies. It was probably because of his boyfriend, Matt.
Smitty and Matt met in college as they were assigned roommates, and they clicked almost instantly. They talked every single day about everything, gossip, assignments, personal life, everything! Even Smitty came out to Matt only two months into college, and he plans to use HRT. Matt was supportive all the way through, being the great friend he was. He helped Smitty earn more money, and Matt even offered some of his own money to help out. Smitty politely declined, feeling that Matt shouldn't have to pay for a medication Smitty wanted. After a few months, Smitty had just enough to get the medicine, and it was the happiest day of his life.
It was also the scariest.
The needle used to take the testosterone was longer and thicker, which just made Smitty even more nervous as he took off the protective cap. He would need to take the shot in his muscles, more specifically, either one of his thighs, stomach, or buttocks. Not wanting to stab his ass or get a thigh cramp later that day, Smitty chose to do his waist. He mentally prepared himself, wiping the small area of his stomach on his right side and the needle with a small alcohol wipe. He got the small bottle of testosterone, poking the top with the needle, pulling the plunger back and seeing the clear medicine fill up. Smitty stopped at the required amount, lightly flicking the syringe to get rid of air bubbles. He places the needle in the area he planned to inject himself. He places the syringe on the dresser to remove his white t-shirt, leaving him in his black binder grey sweatpants. But when Smitty picked it up again and let it hover over the area he was going to inject himself with, he just couldn't do it. He felt his hands and feet go cold and lightly tremble. He hated syringes and hated how he feared them at his age.
He sighed, calling Matt from the kitchen of the small dorm to help him out. Matt came in, seeing Smitty holding the needle in distress, "Can you help me with this shot? It's testosterone not meth don't worry," Smitty joke to calm himself down. They both chuckled, Matt agreeing and taking the needle. “It’s already cleaning right?” Matt asked. “Yeah it already is,” Smitty responded. Matt stood close, their faces two feet away from each other.
”Where do you want me to do it?”
”Just here,” Smitty tapped his stomach.
Smitty slightly trembled again, looking at Matt as he lighty pinched his stomach to do the injection. Matt noticed this and looked up at him, seeing lips quiver for a response.
“You okay?”
“Yeah, sorry, I have a fear of needles,”
”You need a breather.”
“Yeah, just give me a moment,”
Smitty breathed in and out, closing his eyes, trying to stop himself from shaking. A few seconds of this, he felt his shakes go away. He opens his eyes, more prepared but still nervous.
”Okay I’m ready,”
”On the count if 3, okay?”
”Okay”
”1..2..3,” and Smitty felt a tight pinch on his stomach. He squeezed his eyes shut as Matt injected the medicine into him. He then quickly removed the needle, making sure to light rub the area he took the shot. “You did good Smit,” Matt said, putting the syringe down and picking up a bandage near by to place on Smitty. Smitty opened his eyes and looked down, seeing the light brown bandage below his binder. He felt happy and proud, finally taking his first shot. Although he knew the process would be long, he was patient.
Or at least he thought he was.
2 years on testosterone and Smitty was still not satisfied with his results. Despite him now having top surgery a few months ago, doing HRT for 2 years, and changing his entire look, he still wasn’t happy with himself. He still saw the feminine features his face and body carried. His face felt round like a girls, his eyes looks soft and not sharp like man’s, his body shake looked small and fragile instead of big and leaner. He hated, he didn’t like it at all. He went as far as avoid all mirrors or anything reflective to his image, just so he wasn’t reminded of what he truly was. But even then that didn’t work. His peers would say how his voice never matches his body or how he looked like a girl trying to pretend to be a boy. Overall, all backhanded jokes Smitty just sucked up and would later cry in his dorm alone. He wouldn’t be alone for this cry session.
Smitty and Matt went drove to their families for thanksgiving. They were there for three days. One day was at Matt’s families place, the second day at Smitty’s families place, and the third would be a free day for the couple. The first day went great as Matt’s family members were supportive of Smitty or couldn’t care less as he was just an overall enjoyable person to be around. The food was great, music was nice, the family games are funny and chaotic. Smitty always felt like he fit in with Matt’s family, even before he decided to transition. So when it was the second day, his pride and happiness was cut short. The majority of his family members didn’t approve of quote “He’s beliefs”. Some of his members were okay with it, but it was always followed with something extremely backhanded and ignorant. He was dead named a lot on the dinner times, most of the time it was on purpose. No matter the corrections both Smitty and Matt made, it was taken note of. The food was okay though many fights broke out between family members, even one between Smitty and his mom.
The third day ways a free day for the boyfriends. Smitty was visibly upset from last night, shrugging off the hugs Matt tried to give him when they were both in bed this morning. Smitty had his back face to Matt, his hands crossed and his legs away from intertwining with Matt’s. Matt just got up, thinking he wanted some time to himself. He took a shower and got dressed for the day. He went back on the bed, sitting against the hotels beds headboard while scrolling on his phone. Smitty turned to face Matt, sitting up with the blanket still around him. “Do you think I look like a girl?” Smitty asked.
Matt turned to him, not catching what he said. “What’d you say?”
”Do you think I look like a girl? Be honest.”
“No you don’t,” Matt got concerned with the random question, he was aware of Smitty’s body dysphoria but not knowing how bad it really gotten.
“Are you lying?” Smitty slightly titled his head.
“Why would I lie to you?”
“I dunno, maybe cause I stil look like a woman”
“Smit you’re not a girl, was this about yesterday?”
Matt’s right hands was on top of Smitty’s left hand on top of the bed duvet.
Smitty shrugged, “Yeah.”. His voice cracked and that’s what broke the straw for him.
Within seconds Smitty’s eyes pour with salty tears streaming down his face. Matt hugged him, letting the older man sob in his chest through his black hoodie. The inhales before continuing to sob and his cries utter broke Matt’s heart though he didn’t shed a tear. He just rub softly on Smitty’s back, whispering comforting words in his ear. Smitty’s sobs slowed down and he went quiet. Matt just kept rubbing his back for a few more minutes till he moved Smitty’s head a bit. He had fallen asleep, must have been up in the night. Matt worried for him, worried that he never truly saw himself as a man despite the many friends and family that saw him as one. The small features always got the best of him and what made him hate himself more. He always felt like he could do better than before. Though Matt didn’t care for those small features, cause he loved him for who he truly was. Matt had fallen in love with Smitty for his funny humor and caring personality. He fell for him with the way he had words on Matt. He didn’t need a tuff masculine man or fragile feminine boy, he just wanted Smitty.
Smitty was enough for Matt and he wish Smitty could see that in himself.
Matt falls asleep again in bed, this time with Smitty nuzzled into Matt’s chest. The older man’s arms were swung around Matt’s shoulders while his were around Smitty’s torso. Their legs intertwined like twisted pipe cleaners. They felt each others chest rise and fall underneath their breaths. Matt woke up first, deciding not wanting to move out of the comfortable spot he was in. When Smitty woke up, his face still read of melancholy. “Smit,” Matt started off, “No matter what features bother you, you’ll always be a man in my eyes. And you should starting seeing that in your own eyes.”. Smitty thought for a moment for a response but couldn’t conger up one.
“No matter what features you define as feminine, you’ll always be a man no matter what.”
That was the sentence Smitty needed to feel himself. A small smile curved on his lips, “Thank you,” he mumbled befor they kissed. They still laid in bed for another hour til they decided to be productive for today and go on a date somewhere. While Matt search for near by restaurants, Smitty got his testosterone medication and equipment out. Matt saw with his periheral vision and looked up from his phone, he’s usually the one helping Smitty take his shots since he still had a chronic fear of needles and syringes though Smitty didn’t seem bothered by it. Matt didn’t stop him but rather watch him in somewhat awe, this was his first shot by himself. He didn’t tremble like the other time, he was calm and collective, wiping the area of his stomach and needle befor filling the syringe with the medicine and injecting himself. Just like that.
Smitty felt like he had eyes on his and looked up after injecting himself, he saw Matt smiling. Matt couldn’t help but run up and hug him, tight enough to literally squeeze the air out of him like a wet sponge. Matt let go of Smitty, seeing him weezer and curl up as he squeezed him where he injected himself. “Shit I’m so sorry!” Matt exclaimed. Smitty chuckled a bit, “It’s fine, just warn me next time.”. He placed a bandage on his stomach, Matt giving him an applause for doing his first shot alone. Smitty excused himself to the bathroom but stopping from using the toilet to see himself in the mirror.His hair had reached to the tip of his ears, it was curly and brown like he always wanted it to be. His muscles looked slightly bigger before his HRT journey. His face looked somehow more man liked than the last time he checked, which had to be months by now. Everything about his appearance was different, in a good way. All the insecurities he had built for himself were all non existent. He didn’t look feminine, he never did. What the hell was he even talking about? He couldn’t stop himself from smiling wider and wider high just hurt his cheeks more. He even grew slight facial hair on his lip and chin.
2 years is what took him to see all this progress.