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You know the feeling when you’re in the most ridiculous situation conceivable to man, and it gets to a point when you gotta say, “Okay, this is the dumbest situation I’ve ever been in. Couldn’t be me. Can I wake up now?”
Let me do you one better. Shit ain’t funny anymore, but really scary, and somehow in the back of your mind this very little voice is telling you that it’s gotta end at some point, but wait, you haven’t realized it’s a dream yet and it feels so real and that’s when you get impaled– beam of wood through the stomach– and that’s when you scream and wake up. Still screaming though, and scaring the person unfortunate enough to be lying next to you at that exact moment. Which happened to be Caitlyn.
Note the screaming part. When this crap happens enough times, it kinda becomes Pavlovian, you know? Or whatever the word is supposed to be. You scream, and your body takes that as its cue to wake the fuck up.
Okay. Got that? Good.
So this is the situation Vi has found herself in, except she’s very much awake. But as far as she’s concerned what is happening to her right now is a fever dream. Her wife has invited her parents over for dinner, and even if she loves her wife’s parents very much, or at least she says so, Caitlyn’s mother can be a real piece of work. Hence the dinner she’s making, or trying to, at least. The first batch has burnt in the oven because after a bout of random nausea and a visit to the toilet, she completely forgot about the rolls she left in there and they’re now currently in the bin. Her wife, God bless her lovely heart, has managed, against all odds, to start a small fire in the kitchen trying to make a salad. Please do not ask for specifics. Her 12-year-old has conveniently vanished to her room, well-hidden when Caitlyn had gone to look for her to convince (read: force) her to help cut another batch, and Vi wants to throw up again. She wishes the baby would stop fucking shifting around.
If she screams right now, will she find herself in bed, in Cait’s arms? (and after the initial scare she’d tell Vi, “Oh, no, sweet,” and peel her hair away from her face, “that’s just a dream. I’d never think of inviting my parents to dinner because you’re expecting and I haven’t seen them in years.”) And Vi being Vi, what does she do?
Yes, she screamed.
Yes, of course that didn’t work, because– you guessed it!– she’s not fucking sleeping, and Cassandra Kiramman and company are still on their way here. Lavender is still nowhere to be found.
Caitlyn is currently fidgeting in the living room. I mean, even if you got kicked out of the kitchen by your certainly more experienced wife (for good reason), she’s still pregnant, so yeah, you’d be a little worried, maybe? Wanting to help in the best way your incompetent ass could handle, right?
Or couldn’t, says the ashy remains of the salad.
But anyway, when Caitlyn hears the scream, she teleports to where Vi is. “Vi! What’s wrong?” she asks a mildly disappointed Vi. Vi responds only after Caitlyn has made a thorough inspection of her entire body, lingering on the slight bulge that’s her stomach, and making sure she’s perfectly okay. “Nothing. It’s fine. Just baby feels and, of course, stress.”
“You don’t have to do this. Mom and Dad will still love you, elaborate dinner or not.” Caitlyn cups Vi’s face.
“Will Grandma though?” Lavender asks, making both women jump. She’s playing with her tablet, and looks boredly at them as she continues. “Last time Grandma was here, she took twenty-three minutes to bemoan how small our house was, and proceeded to ask you if you were broke, Mother. Yes, I counted. And Grandpa still treats me like I’m three years old. Ugh!” She slinks away.
“Lavender! Get back here and come help your mom!” Caitlyn yells after her. There’s a long, dramatic groan, with the sole aim of communicating exactly what Lav thought of being cooped up in the kitchen cutting out circle shapes, and then she appears back in the doorway with a big frown. The tablet is gone.
Caitlyn hangs around the countertops until both Vi and Lav get tired of her stealing unbaked cookies, and kick her out (again) on which she flops back on the couch and pretends to watch TV.
The knock comes in while they’re all setting the table, a barrage of complaints (on Lavender’s end) later, and Caitlyn rushes to open it, heart in her mouth. Her mother, prim and proper in a black long-sleeved shirt and a formal black skirt (Ma’am, it’s a summer night, not a winter funeral) looks Caitlyn up and down.
“Have we perhaps come too early? Explains your…state of dress.” and shaking her head Cassandra flounces in, skirt trailing as she went. Cait looks at her shirt, which does have some soot and scorch marks, and then at her dad, giving him the Mother-was-mean-to-me-please-gimme-a-hug-Daddy look she still hasn’t let go of since she was ten. Tobias gives her a bear hug. “Don’t worry, she can’t get any worse than this. I’ve missed you, Caity.”
Ugh, I’m not ten. “It’s Caitlyn, and yes, she can get worse than that. but it’s the feelings that count, right?”
And indeed, our dear Grandma Cassie gets even worse.
“What is that smell?” is what she starts her reign of terror with. “Did someone somehow manage to burn salad?” She refers to Vi, but…er.
“Um,” Vi says. Lav has long vanished to the comforts of her room, where no angry grandmas or overly-proud grandpas can reach. (are you sure about that, girl?)
“I’m waiting for an answer!” Cassandra continues. A new grey hair appears in her hair. Don’t ask how Caitlyn saw that. Sniper’s eye, right?
“That was my fault, Mother.” Caitlyn feels really small under the withering look her mom gives her, even though she’s taller that her. Vi places a comforting arm around her, and Caitlyn leans into the touch, exhaling heavily. Funny how Vi is the one delivering Caitlyn from the dinner she was not looking forward to.
“As you can see,” Vi gestures to the laid table behind her, “that was a tiny blip on Cait’s part. Shall we?” She makes the first move and takes a seat. Her feet are killing her, and she makes a mental note to have Caitlyn massage them later.
Cassandra and Tobias follow suit, followed by Caitlyn, taking a seat beside her wife and facing her mother, Vi’s facing Tobias. Lavender’s seat is empty. No one acknowledges that for now. Vi tries to get up so she can dish out the food, but her feet aren’t cooperating, and she collapses heavily in her seat. Caitlyn immediately takes over, making sure to heap a generous serving on Tobias’ plate. Lord knows he’s a slave to Vi’s cooking (Vi caught him trying to steal the pot the last time they visited)
And Vi has so generously added a fork and knife to Cassandra’s plate, even though this could be eaten comfortably enough with a spoon. Cassie hums in appreciation, and cuts a dainty side of meat. “How’s it been, dear?”
“Well,” Caitlyn blanks out, so she stuffs something in her mouth so she can have some space to think. When she’s swallowed, she continues. “Nothing much, neighborhood’s the same as always. Someone killed the damn rooster– finally, my wife and I are still together against your fervent wishes,” This last part was whispered, but you bet your ass Grandma heard that. “And um, we’re…“
“Mm!” Cassandra interrupts. “This has quite a curious flavor. But yes, good, good. Not bad, Violet” Cassie gives Vi a big smile, met with a strained one, but in Vi’s honest opinion a smile as wide as that is a good sign. “Thank you.” she responds. She takes her third helping.
“Mother, we also wanted to let you know that we’re expecting a kid. A girl, to be specific.”
There's a pause at the table. Then Tobias comes in with “Wait, really! That’s great!”
The change in Cassandra’s demeanor can only be classified as very strange. Or she just has an affinity for children. The light wrinkles on her face stretch with the grin she levels at the couple.
“Goodness me, I’m going to be a grandma now!”
“Mother. You’re already a grandmother.” Caitlyn reminds her.
“And I wonder just where my darling girl is right now? Not hiding from me, I hope!”
“Gee, I wonder why that is,” Vi mutters under her breath.
“She’ll be down in a minute.” Caitlyn is lying, obviously, and Vi gives her a strange look. “Just needs to, er, do her homework?”
“No. Let her stay right where she is. Truly dreadful child, that one. Did you know she managed to rip apart half of my dresses when you came over?”
“She was a child.” Caitlyn is tired of this constant reminder. “And she’s still your grandchild.”
“Never mind that.” Cassandra gets up and takes the empty seat at the end of the table, so she now has Toby on her left and Vi on her right. “But this one? I have a good feeling about her.” Cassie proudly announces.
“Ugh.” Caitlyn rolls her eyes.
“I do hope you’re eating well, dear?” Cassandra tells Vi. “You shouldn’t be doing so much! And that includes the dinner!”
“Exactly! That’s what I said,” Caitlyn interjects.
“But Cassie, she isn’t even showing.” Tobias supplies quietly. “Why don’t you shelve the mothering till she’s at five months, maybe?”
“Nonsense, dear. Violet’s health is our priority at the moment, and we simply can’t have her doing too much work. Come lie on the couch, this chair must be very hard.”
Vi has decided she likes this new side of Cassandra, and allows herself to be led to the couch in the living room, inserting a few pained grunts here and there to really ham it up
“I’m wondering if I should stay here and do the cooking.” Hard no, Vi thinks. “Since my darling daughter here couldn’t make a salad properly.”
“Mother!” Caitlyn complains.
“Yeah, Mother, let’s face it. You can’t cook to save your life. You’d be the first person to find a way to burn water.” Lavender suddenly says.
“Lavender!” Cassandra exclaims. “Where in the world did you come from!”
“I’ve been here since you carried Mom to the couch, and only Grandpa noticed me. Can’t say the same for Mother, though. Or you.”
“Lavender!” both Caitlyn and Cassandra exclaim.
“Sorry. I’ll get back to grandpa now.” She and her tablet make their way to the dining room.
“For your information, I made toast for breakfast and it came out right.” Caitlyn says indignantly.
“Darling I was supervising you the whole time. For your information.” Vi corrects. Offended, Caitlyn storms away to stay with her father and daughter, leaving Vi alone with Grandma.
“Lav, you know you’re going to have a sibling soon. right?” Tobias asks. He’s eating Cassandra’s leftovers.
“Yeah. Oh, my god, I’m not that oblivious.”