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It was 2 a.m., and I had to stay awake. Something very reckless of me.
I hadn't been able to sleep well for days, either because I woke up at that hour or because I didn't sleep at all. It was very strange, since I didn't remember having taken drugs again. I quit heroin a long time ago; I can't remember when. But yes, it was difficult, but it was for my own good.
I always wondered what caused this abnormality in my sleep schedule.
Always I do it?
Well, it was because of those beautiful but sad eyes the color of the sky, the color of the sea, that used to meet mine after glancing at each other by chance, or after a good conversation at the end of one of the concerts.
It was always: "Oh, hey Andy, what did you think of the show we did? Was it good enough? What will the fans say...? Will they pounce on me like always?" — His tone was always shy, I always liked that about him; we were almost the same, but at the same time, we weren't. Then, he would walk away indifferently when he saw the love of his life, Johnny.
I guess he still loves him, still loves him...
At every concert, these two were always together, too close for my liking. I limited myself to just playing the bass with a scowl; I couldn't do much. All I could think, think...
Almost always, after the concerts, we would go to some bar for a good drink. Which helped them a lot, to calm down, to recover. I also accompanied them, going from sip to sip, I used to see Morrissey chatting with Mike, or with Johnny, from time to time he would speak to me, although it was strange.
Being so alone now, as always, I decided to rethink everything that has been happening.
“How did I start to like someone as poetic and pure as Morrissey? How?”
This wasn't fun anymore; it was eating me up inside...
"What do I do?" I said to myself at one point, "Should I tell someone about this...?"
No, I couldn't. Besides, what would they think if I, Andy Rourke, bassist for the most prestigious and famous band, The Smiths, shouted from the rooftops that I liked Morrissey, a possibly celibate man?
I definitely can't, Morrissey loves Johnny, I know it, no words are necessary. The caresses, compliments, touches, looks, are everything to understand that I will never be someone for him. I'm just a nobody... I just exist, I see how others are doing well in love, I'm the only one who sees it.
I spend entire nights reading or just practicing some melody for some new song. I hope this relapse isn't too severe. I don't want to inject myself with a certain substance again because of that...