Archive of Our Own ^beta

Most people would say that Shen Quanrui, or better known as Ricky, is very attractive. The percentage of the school population that knows the guy would most likely say they'd like to try dating him if they could, and his best friend agrees with this sentiment wholeheartedly.

I mean, who wouldn't want to date someone the nearest description to an angel? With Ricky's blonde hair and beautiful face, you wouldn't even be able to tell the difference. Basically, what he's trying to say is that most people are willing to date the guy.

Which is why he can't understand why Ricky doesn't let anyone take him out on dates. Gyuvin typically doesn't care about his best friend's love affairs, understanding that this is none of his business. But this time, seeing how they're two years into college and two years away from having to be part of the workforce, he finds himself questioning why Ricky isn't and hasn't been interested in finding himself a girlfriend–or a boyfriend, which ever one he prefers.

Personally, Gyuvin's always seen love as something beautiful, thinking back to the example his parents set back at home, who had raised him and his siblings with all the love and care in the world. Their display of love to each other had led him to anticipate eventually getting married someday. The promise of your spouse's kisses when you get home, the look of pure adoration on their face, doing things together that you used to never consider doing with another, along with the intimacy of being known by one person more than anyone else in the world is something that's hard not be excited for.

Of course, Gyuvin is aware that not everything that comes out of relationships are rainbows and butterflies. Some end with tearful apologies, some with aggressive words meant to take a jab at the heart, and others with devastating marriages that leave the children more scarred than the parents.

He can't say he had been the luckiest with romance either, considering how his first girlfriend in middle school that started out with mutual puppy love abruptly ended with the girl saying she was bored of their awkward back and forth conversations that never seemed to go anywhere. He can't blame her, he did start getting tired of sending the usual 'did you eat yet' and 'wyd?'.

The only other girlfriend he'd had was early into highschool, dating for around 6 months but never really got serious.

But through these experiences, there came more good than the hurt he felt at the moment when he was first broken up with. Even though having a big heart, being a teenage boy, and being broken up with doesn't go well hand in hand, he was happy during those times feeling loved, and he genuinely enjoyed giving to those he loved.

Ricky on the other hand seems to avoid romance at all costs, other than that one time in high school where he dated this one guy for about a year and a half. Initially, after the breakup, Gyuvin was confused yet never really asked much. Up until now, Ricky hadn't given him any explanation of why they had broken up after the time they've spent being together. Though he doesn't really care anymore from how long it had been since then, he was still curious on how their loving, obsessive display of boyfriends disintegrated all of a sudden. 

Putting Ricky's love life aside, Gyuvin himself attracts girls and even guys as well, just not as much as Ricky.

Many of those attracted to Ricky often ask for his number or for a coffee date, which have all been fortunately politely declined by the older. Don't get him wrong, he wouldn't care if his best friend had a partner and whatnot, he'd be more than happy knowing that his best friend was recieving the love and care that he deserves. He just wouldn't like to have friendly competition for his best friend's attention, especially now that their other best friend, Gunwook, is studying at another university, making it harder to bother him whenever he wanted to.

Now, they're two years into college and Ricky still hasn't accepted any confession thrown his way and he doesn't know why.

He isn't sure why it isn't bothering him that much though.

Gyuvin eavesdrops on the conversation happening right infront of him. He supposes it isn't really eavesdropping anyway because if they wanted a private conversation, they could've asked him to shoo away.

He and Ricky we're walking to their dorm together. They wete dismissed early for their last classes which the professor thankfully e-mailed the class early, informing them that he was sick and couldn't attend.

Someone rudely interrupts their usual bickering 4 meters away from their dormitory.

The unknown woman–Gyuvin is pretty sure she's from the swim team, walks over to them, (or specifically, ricky) with hands behind her back. "Hi Ricky-ssi!" the girl says, clearly nervous.

This pulls Ricky out of the conversation he and Gyuvin were having, now turning to the direction of the girl.

"Uhm, hi? Sorry, I don't think I remember your name." Ricky responded, not knowing whether this would be another invitation to a club or something else he wasn't in the mood for.

"I—um, I'm Kim Soojin, from philosophy class during mondays and thursdays. You know, the one sitting behind you all the time?" She clears out her throat, noticing that she'd been talking a bit too much.

"I'm—I mean, my friend! Yes, my friend, is giving this to you since, you know, Valentine's is in a month. I—she'd want to know if you accept her offer, for Valentine's." She finishes her little ramble, now revealing her arm to stretch her hand out, offering Ricky the box of chocolates she'd been hiding behind her back.

Gyuvin stared at her in disbelief, finding it rude to be interrupted with a confession while he was having a very much important debate with his best friend on whether or not jjajangmyeon with sunny side up egg was normal or not. He snorts quietly when he hears Ricky's quiet but not quiet enough sigh of dissapointment.

To be fair, it's not like this is his first rodeo being ignored and pushed to the side like this. By now he's gotten used to the numerous confessions and compliments that Ricky gets left and right. He gets it, Ricky is gorgeous. It's not like he's jealous or anything, he also does get a lot of confessions, just not to the extent that his best friend gets them. He wouldn't blame them, Ricky basically looks like a god beside anyone, someone that you'd feel the need to bow to and worship whenever you see their beauty (or maybe that was just Gyuvin).

With how often this has happened, surprisingly, not one of them have annoyed Gyuvin this much, not to the point where he wants to pull Ricky away just to continue their little debate. They were 5 minutes away from their room for crying out loud. Obviously, the more reasonable thing to do right now was to go into the dormitory than waste their time on a confession they both know will end in rejection.

Gyuvin nurses his face to something more neutral, suddenly remembering to disguise his stink face. It's obvious to anyone and their mothers that there was no "friend" she was confessing for. Rather, she was confessing for herself, based on how many slip-ups she had with simple pronouns, how pink her cheeks are, and how her hands are literally shaking right now to reach the gift out to Ricky. He wouldn't be surprised if the chocolates fell from her hand from the amount of sweat she's producing.

He turns to Ricky to see that he had his cute face of contemplation, like when he was having trouble picking whether or not to order citron tea, a strawberry milkshake, or both. He ends up accepting the chocolates and he clears his throat, now scratching the back of his neck.

"I'm sorry Soojin-ssi, but please tell your friend that I'm not interested." She visibly deflates, confirming Gyuvin's theory that this confession was hers. Ricky reaches his hand out to give back the chocolates, offering the chocolates back to be given to the rightful owner, but she fixes her dejected expression and denies.

She waves her hand, "Ahh no! It's okay don't worry, she said to give it to you, don't think she'd be happy receiving it back" she smiles a tight line at him, laughing awkwardly. Ricky hesitates before retracting his hand, nodding to the girl.

"Anyway, I have to go now. See you around Ricky-ssi!" She walks–almost runs to the nearest corner, seeing that another girl had been hiding there too.

"Huh, that must be the friend she's talking about" Ricky supplies obliviously, not reading the room enough to see that she was the one confessing, not some friend. Gyuvin just rolls his eyes and takes the chocolates from his hands, starting to walk to the door of the dormitory.

"Let's share these, okay?"

After that, there were other times where other people started having the guts to confess, especially with Valentine's being close enough for them to consider giving romance a try. 

This time, it was after being dismissed for the only class they share together. They were preparing to get their bags when someone walks infront of Ricky.

"Ricky!" the man exclaims, waving his hand to Ricky's face.

Ricky pauses with putting his notebook inside his bag, now facing who Gyuvin knows as Lee Jeonghyeon from another building. Again, another person rudely interrupting Ricky's day.

Gyuvin had his guard up, remembering that Ricky used to like the guy.

"Oh, Jeonghyeon-ie, hey!" They dap each other up, which Gyuvin squints his eyes at. Who knew Ricky was so close to Jeonghyeon? Well, enough to be comfortable with nicknames and dapping each other up anyway. 

Anyone with eyes could also see that Jeonghyeon obviously likes Ricky. Though he doesn't know much about him other than them having mutual friends, he could see the clear infatuation in his eyes. You could practically make out hearts in his eyes if you tried looking hard enough.

Their hands untangle with Jeonghyeon clearing his throat, now focusing his eyes on the table before him. "So uh– I was wondering, do you want to hang out together for Valentines? We could go bowling, or eat, or whatever you like." 

"Ah," Ricky obviously didn't expect for Jeonghyeon, a friend that he's known for a while to like him. "actually, I'm sorry, quite busy on that day..." he says apologetically.

The man lets out a noise of acknowledgement, dissapointed with being turned down but pleased to have had the confidence to ask in the first place.

"I get it, especially with your major being pretty demanding.. hah, alright, see you around Rick!"

At that, Gyuvin was shocked at the rejection, initially holding his breath for the green light of their date.

Ricky sighs, "Damn, didn't know he liked me like that", clearly dissapointed at the fact that the confession might've made their friendship awkward.

"Thought you liked him though?"

"Mhm, thought I did too." If only Gyuvin knew the random crushes Ricky would have to avoid confronting his feelings head on. Ricky chucked his bag further up his shoulder and waits for Gyuvin to follow.

Well, no. Actually, Gyuvin wants to know what Ricky's plan on Valentine's day is since he's pretty sure Ricky's schedule isn't that busy these upcoming weeks, not as busy as the last few weeks of their semester at least.

Ricky has two morning classes on the 14th and then he's done, having memorised his best friend's schedule by now. He also remembers Ricky telling him that one of his professors cancelled their class on the day itself in advance, leaving Ricky with only one class on Valentine's. So what could he be so busy for?

Gyuvin catches up to Ricky, quickly throwing an arm around the blond's shoulders. As always, the older tries to act annoyed at the heavy arm thrown his way, pretending to put effort in trying to get it off him. Gyuvin's always wondered, for a guy that generally dislikes physical touch, he sure doesn't mind Gyuvin's insistent touches that much. Maybe he just grew immune to them, especially with how many years they've spent together. 

"Hey Rwick, what's your plan for Valentine's day?"

Ricky lets out a contemplating hum, stalling to answer when he finally answers, "I don't think I'll do anything after classes, I'll probably just stay home."

"C'mon Rick, I know you're attractive enough to get anyone on campus. Are you really not going to try dating anyone? Are you sure you aren't hiding some secret boyfriend– or girlfriend from me?" Ricky rolls his eyes at the inclusion of 'girlfriend', as if he'd be interested in girls any time soon, or anyone for that matter.

"Don't you know how nice it is to be in a relationship? You see Hanbin hyung and Hao hyung right? They're literally pieces of the same puzzle." Ricky lets out a dismissive hum. He does agree that it would be nice. Though it wouldn't be nice to be with a random person who he doesn't reciprocate feelings for. Plus, he isn't in the mood to get to know someone new, not when he already knows a certain brunette better than he knows himself. And wants to know that brunette in a way that could be considered as more than friends.

"Really Ricky? No one's got you interested?" 

Ricky can't exactly say no one has got him interested, but might as well say no one since the person he likes is awfully oblivious to his feelings. "I mean it'd be nice if you really did have no plans for Valentine's, I can have Kim Rick all to myself."

He sighs to himself internally, what homoerotic friendship did he get himself into. And why did he have to like this person of said homoerotic friendship? And most importantly, why did this man have to be as straight as a ruler?

"Well, won't you be going on dates?" Ricky mumbled, not in the mood to get an answer even though he himself asked the question. Any answer he'd get would be a lost cause for him either way.

Gyuvin looks up at the ceiling and points his finger to his chin cartoonishly. "Hmmm, well I could... but none of them would be Ricky." he supplies unhelpfully, not at all helping Ricky's internal conflict.

Ricky suddenly halts to a stop and abruptly turns to Gyuvin, causing his left arm wrapped around him to fall down to his side. "Stop act!-" Ricky stops before he can make a scene in the middle of the hallway full of students just trying to get to their classes on time. He ends up just sighing, continuing on walking their usual route. He can't do this right now.

Stop acting like we're together.

Stop acting like we feel the same.

Honestly, Gyuvin has no idea where that little outburst came from. Did he do something wrong? Was it the way Gyuvin kept on pestering him with questions centered around romance? Did the 'one day he'll get annoyed of you' predictions from countless people finally catch up to him?

Gyuvin follows him silently, contemplating on whether or not he should put his arm around the blond once again but decides against it.

Ricky knew that the other probably had an extremely sad expression, one of a dog being left alone at home by its owner. He does want to apologise for souring the mood a bit, but to be honest, it's a little awkward, especially that he doesn't speak about his feelings often. Though he started it, he'll just wait for Gyuvin to crack a little and mention it.

And that the latter did. "Hey Ricky, sorry for whatever I did. Can you tell me what I did? I'm sorry I won't do it again", he suddenly spoke up, looking down at the ground and twiddling with his fingers while doing so. The Gucci ring on his given by Ricky was moved from finger to finger.

Ricky can't even stay mad at the brunette; not when he wasn't even really mad at him in the first place. He just wished that he didn't feed into his little one sided crush that may or may not have grown into something dangerously close to a love he's never felt so strongly before. 

How would he even start to explain his little outburst back there? 'Hey sorry for getting triggered a bit because you always reference us to being a couple when we're obviously not! You're just way too oblivious to notice my feelings that have brewed for way too long in me that I might actually go insane if I don't have you! But hey, sorry. I'm just too emotionally constipated to bring it up and I'm scared of breaking what we have even though I know you'd still love me if I told you I loved you in another way!'

Was what he would say if he was an idiot.

He feigns nonchalance, humming a bit to look for a good enough answer to keep the younger satisfied. "Sorry, I'm just," Ricky internally swears to himself, he knows that he should open up a conversation about this but he isn't ready for his whole world to come crashing down yet. He can control when Gyuvin finds out, so he settles on replying something safe. "stressed with my school work, I don't think I've had time for myself lately."

Frankly, Gyuvin didn't know if he should believe him. It's true that the man was stressed with his demanding arts major, yes, and he hasn't had time to relax as well. He knows these to be fact, living with Ricky and all, but there's something about Ricky's voice that makes Gyuvin think he's lying.

They've been best friends since eighth grade, he basically knows everything about the other already. How he pretends not to care too much yet he feels so much in his heart, how he prefers tea over coffee, how he likes to be extraordinary and to stand out, so much so that he'd rather go through round after round of excruciating bleach that makes him tear up from the burn he feels on his scalp just to look cool. He knows all of this, as well as the tone he has when he's unsure or lying.

What he's unsure of though, is the reason why exactly Ricky's lying to him. He's sure that he knows if not all, most of the other's secrets, having known him for so long.

So he doesn't understand why Ricky's lying about something like this, when he just wants to know what he did so that he never does what ticked Ricky off in the first place. 

But Gyuvin can understand when Ricky needs space, in a way resembling a stray cat who requires reaching a hand out to first to wait for it to warm up to your scent, to move towards you first. Ricky's always resembled a cat in a way.

He ends up just making a small noise, nodding to himself. Ricky needs time to open up to him? He'll let him set his pace.

They end up at Hanbin's mom's cafe as usual. Ricky finds a table for the both of them to settle into, while Gyuvin goes up to the counter to order. At this point, he doesn't even need to ask what Ricky wants, he orders the same damn thing everytime. It's not like he wants to ask either. With how much he's overthinking his trustworthiness to his best friend, his life-long partner for eternity, he doesn't think he'd be able to not make the atmosphere awkward between them.

Hanbin greets him as usual with his signature whisker smile, showing a somewhat maternal smile towards Gyuvin as he sees the younger as practically his younger brother.

"Gyuvin-ah! Why do you look like you're about to shit yourself?" Hanbin greets him unhelpfully.

Fuck, Ricky might see through him and get worried and ask him what's wrong and think he's the problem and apologise and be forced to confess this secret of his earlier than he wants and Ricky will hate him—

A hand waving infront of him snaps him out of the little mantra his head has been wrapped around. "Yah, are you okay? Wanna talk about it? I mean I can–but after my shift you know–"

Gyuvin cuts him off, feeling bad for the concern being shown his way, "Ahh no it's fine. I'll tell you when I visit you and Hao hyung." and at that, Hanbin looks his way with skeptical eyes, but chooses to let it go. He's way too busy to be listening to Gyuvin's worries anyway. He'd surely be able to remember to make Gyuvin tell him when the time comes.

"Yeah, I'll get the usual and a strawberry shortcake." Hanbin hums at that and wishes him luck with whatever he's dealing with. When Gyuvin gets back to the table, the atmosphere remains somewhat awkward between them. When the drinks and the slice of cake gets to their table, the older eats the cake slowly and Gyuvin observes him while drinking his own smoothie.

When they get back home to their dorm, none of them speak of that incident again.

"You really need to make a move already," Gunwook yells to Gyuvin across the room.

Both of them had been lazing around since they both had free time to spare to procrastinate together. The older makes a confused noise, obviously not knowing what the other was talking about. Gyuvin pauses the music playing in the background to properly be able to listen.

"Ricky, I mean. One day he's going to get swept off his feet by someone else if you don't make a move soon enough, especially with Valentine's right around the corner." Gunwook stretches his arms above him before striding across the room towards Gyuvin.

Why would he need to make a move on Ricky?

The brunette pondered on what to say for a few seconds because honestly, he didn't know what to say about that. He doesn't like Ricky. In a friend way, of course, but romantically? Not at all! 

Sure, Ricky was kind, respectful, nice, talented in all the ways he couldn't be, cute, very attractive, very attentive, who wouldn't want to like him. But Gyuvin? He doesn't like his best friend.

...did he?

It seemed like his best friend saw right through him. "Dude yes you do. I thought that with the time I've been busy in another university, you would've figured out what you felt by now. Have you seen the way you look at him sometimes when you think he isn't looking? Do you know how much you've called him 'Kim Ricky' in your whole life? Probably more than my college debt at this point. 

Have you seen the way you both look to any outsider? You look like you've been dating for years with how you always touch him. You guys act worse though, you argue like an old married couple. Not only that, you hate seeing him with potential admirers. Wasn't there that one time you wouldn't stop whining to me when he didn't come to our hangout because you thought the girl he hung out with for a research was his girlfriend?"

At this point, Gyuvin doesn't need to hear more about how serious his case of down-badism is. "Well it was obvious that she liked him! He might've liked her back dude!"

Honestly, he can't believe that Gunwook figured his more-than-platonic feelings for their other best friend faster than him.

More so, he can't believe that all this time, all the little sparks he's disregarded and pushed aside were love.

Gunwook looks at him in disbelief, "Seriously? He's gay."

"He's bi!" Gyuvin argues, as if trying to prove that he knows Ricky better than anyone. He adds with a tinge of uncertainty, "I would've known if he was gay right? He would've told me." And yet again, Gyuvin feels unworthy of Ricky's trust.

How long has Ricky felt like he can't tell him important stuff like this?

"I mean, he didn't explicitly tell me. I know he said he was bi back in high school, but I'm 99 percent sure he was just saying that to look at least half normal to those that weren't open minded to queer shit back then. He's never glanced even once at a woman's direction."

Shit, with how observant Gyuvin is of Ricky, he didn't get to catch that. Gyuvin feels strangely somewhat relieved that Ricky is gay. That just means no girl would be entertained by Ricky at all. 

Thinking back to what Gunwook told Gyuvin earlier, up until now, he thought all of these were normal and completely platonic between close friends. Sure, he feels tingles whenever they touch for too long and feels adoration when he smiles a little bigger than he can control. And yes, maybe he's only like this with Ricky but—he didn't like him, right?

Fuck. He doesn't like him.

He's in love with him.

And as much as it felt like a refreshing bucket of water poured over him on a hot summer day, it also felt like a harsh slap of reality.

Gyuvin always felt extreme emotions on their friendship, that he didn't think of the possibility that he could be feeling a little more than friendship. With this new revelation, he doesn't know what to think, but at least he knows.

Knows that he's in love with his best friend.

"Damn, you only found out about your own feelings now? After years?" Gunwook sounds amused, or maybe he's mocking him. Maybe a bit of both.

Gyuvin still feels fragile, a bit breakable with this newly received information, because what the fuck was he going to do about this little crush?

His phone starts ringing beside him on the bed. Gunwook looks over to his screen and looks him in the eye, shrugging and going back to whatever he was doing before, as if he didn't just reveal a whole new world of possibilities to Gyuvin.

'Hambin hyung' the phone displays, though his ears ring from the recent conversation more than Hanbin's personal ringtone. He snaps out of it at the second to the last ring, remembering to actually respond to him before he thinks he's dead.

"-vin! Come over and tell me what happened!" In the background, Gyuvin hears whats most likely Hao's slippers stomping on the ground while singing an acapella rendition of 'come over' by le sserafim. He rolls his eyes at that and waves goodbye to Gunwook.

"I think I'm in love with Ricky," 

is the first thing that comes out if his mouth when he opens the door. 

While Hanbin tried feigning surprise, the man beside him had a deadpanned expression towards Gyuvin, not trying at all. "Wow, we definitely didn't kno–" Hanbin shuts Zhang Hao up and looked back up at the boy at their door.

"Congrats on figuring out! Now why don't you start from the beginning? Make us understand the situation." Hanbin ushers him to sit down and he sighs before he starts talking.

He talks about how just about half an hour ago, he figured out that he was in love with his best friend of 7 years. How could he not fall for him when all this time it was inevitable? How could he not have, when Ricky's cute little laugh was so addictive? How could he have not fallen when he got hooked that day he made Ricky smile for the first time in eighth grade? How could he not when Ricky's heart is so pure and loving and he opened it to him. He was the chosen one trusted to keep it safe, to comprehend its functions and every corner deeper than anyone else has, as if its his own heart to keep, to cherish, to love.

Which brings him to the very same word he's been worrying about.

Trust. That word again. 

He doesn't know what he would do without Ricky's heart, Ricky's trust, and Ricky's everything that was so very carefully offered to him. He just can't seem to figure out what he did wrong, so he seeks from the couple in front of him.

He starts on the whole distrust thing by telling them about how he might have just fucked up their 7 years of friendship and possibly, a chance at a romantic approach because of something he did. If he did ruin everything, he'd go insane.

"Hyung! I just know he's hiding something from me. Only thing he's ever hidden from me as far as I know is him and his ex boyfriend's relationship in high school. Other than that, nothing! He might actually not trust me anymore and he hates me and wants nothing to do with me!" Gyuvin cried out, burying his head in his hands.

Zhang Hao scoffs, "Are you guys being serious? I'm going to call Ric–" once again, Hanbin shuts his boyfriend up. Gyuvin's head suddenly pops up from the muddled up mess his hands made. A gasp brings the couple's eyes on the younger.

"What if he does have a boyfriend and he hasn't told me because of how much I attach myself to him? Am I forcing him to– oh god, what if Ricky—" Zhang Hao cuts him off with a hand cupped to his mouth, muttering a soft "unbelievable" beneath his breath. 

"Gyub, hush. You're not forcing Ricky to do anything."

Hanbin sighs, bringing his hands together to talk to Gyuvin properly. It seemed as if Hanbin was a father confronting his child with a stern tone. "Gyuvin, stop. You've been friends with Ricky for way longer than any of us. I can't reassure you that this isn't whatever you're suspecting it is, but remember that communication is always the key. Just talk to him about it, okay? You're each other's best friend, this'll be just another barrier to your friendship that you'll get through."

Finally, Hao removes his hand over Gyuvin's mouth and he ends up sighing. "You're right hyung... sorry for making such a big deal out of it, could've just been an easy fix..." he scratches the back of his neck. 

"At least whatever you've kept bottled up is out now, alright? Whenever you need to talk to us, you know we'll always be here for you." Hao rubs his shoulder reassuringly. Gyuvin nods and cuddles closer with his friends.

"I'll always be here for you because I'm your favorite hyung, right?" Gyuvin giggles, lightly slapping Hao's thigh.

"Alright thank you hyungs! I'll try talking to him!" He says when he eventually walks out the door to go home. Gyuvin hears a muffled "You better!" when he closes the door. The fear of his best friend hating him is now weighing less, he can do this.

He tries not to overthink about what his best friend had been hiding from him as he left the apartment complex. Was he right about his suspicions about a mystery partner that Ricky felt he couldn't confide in Gyuvin? Was he part of a mafia family? Or was it a secret third thing, that being Ricky committed a crime?

For now, he tries to not let the thoughts overwhelm him. He'll know in the near future when he talks to him.

Gyuvin and Ricky were hanging out at a cafe, studying together even though they had different courses. Their sweet time of focus and procrastination was interrupted by a girl that looked around their age. Ricky confirms this with the ID lace around her neck, being from a university near theirs. 

"Hello gentlemen! I'm Park Minji from ZB university, conducting a research on.." Ricky tunes her out as he takes a proper look at her. She had what looked like really heavy equipment, a camera with its own tripod and a big microphone with foam that looked like one of those high quality ones that podcasts used, very much prepared to conduct whatever research she has. 

His hands return to the sprawled out notes on their table. Vaguely, he hears Gyuvin humming and offering his time for the girl's research. He had about 2 hours left to submit one of the essays that he's been dreading to do, having multiple topics to cover. And to Ricky's knowledge, he was only halfway done with it so far. So Ricky can't help but internally curse Gyuvin and his big heart for accommodating to others before himself.

"Alright, and that's a wrap! Thank you very much for your cooperation.." The research eventually ends, finally. Minji turns to Gyuvin, waiting for him to offer a name to complete her sentence. 

"Ah! I'm Kim Gyuvin."

"Thank you for your time Gyuvin-ssi! Before I go, we usually give away a little thank you gift but I don't have my other groupmates with me right now.. but I have my polaroid camera! I could take a picture of you as a little take home gift! Would that be okay?"

After hearing the offer, Gyuvin instantly pulls Ricky's arm from the other side of the table, disrupting him from reading over his notes. "Can you take one with my friend in it?" Gyuvin's eyes were practically shining at this point, enthusiastic from an opportunity like this.

It's stupid, really. They take pictures like these together all the time!

...with their other friends.

But anyway, whatever makes Gyuvin happy.

Ricky's eyes drift to the girl, seeing her grimace slightly to the offer of adding an additional person to the picture, but she quickly fixes her expression into a smile and nods. Soon enough, Gyuvin is forcing himself into Ricky's side of the booth.

It's not like they've never been this close before, they've been roommates for two years. But the proximity makes Ricky's cheeks burn. He could see every pore on Gyuvin's face if he really put his mind to it, could probably count every eyelash if he wanted to, could see how cracked his lips were despite him gifting Gyuvin chapsticks, even though it stays the perfect pink.

He feels the other's arm wrap around his shoulder, putting a peace sign next to Ricky's face.

Ricky couldn't avoid being this close, they were two 6 foot men cramping into a small booth after all. He hears the countdown and he puts on a practiced smile on his face.

A flash shutters off and the photo prints immediately. 

All of a sudden, Minji's hands were rummaging through all her pockets as if her life depended on it. By the time she seems to have found what she was looking for, all the pockets from her cargo pants were ruffled and turned inside out. Her panicked expression returned to display a soft smile. Her hand retracts from her pocket, bringing out a folded piece of paper.

"Gyuvin-ssi! Here's my number since I don't have enough time to wait for this to show up. Text me to get a picture of the polaroid! I'll get going now, thank you again for your time!" And with that, she runs out of the cafe as best as she can with all her big equipment.

At that, Ricky rolls his eyes. Can't she just give the polaroid to us so that we can wait for it to develop ourselves?

Better yet, the camera seemed to have an SD card. She would be able to save a physical and digital copy of them.

A bit creepy if you ask Ricky.

Gyuvin seems to think the same thing as well, his entire thought process was practically laid out in a hologram ontop of his head with his face contorted into a confused expression.

Before Ricky can get comfortable with the warmth around his neck, Gyuvin's arm withdraws from his shoulders, and he stands to go back to the other side of the table, though proven difficult from how cramped they previously were seated together.

Ricky tries his best not to notice the absence of Gyuvin's warmth, tries his best not to be bitter, and takes hold of the number on the table specifically given to Gyuvin.

"Will you text her?" fortunately, he was able to mask the bitterness in his voice with a sip from the citron tea beside his notebook. He tries not to imagine Gyuvin and the girl talking to each other, going on a date, getting married and having kids, her meeting eumpappa—

"I mean, I don't really want to.. but I still want the picture so I guess I will?" Gyuvin shrugs and returns back to his essay.

It was extremely, painfully obvious that the girl was hitting on Gyuvin, and it seems like Gyuvin must have caught on too if her giving her number away wasn't obvious enough.

It's not Ricky's right to be jealous, but he just can't help but wonder what he'd do once Gyuvin actually got settled in with a petite girl in his arms, he always has a way of making eveyone look smaller compared to him. Maybe she'd be shy and respectful, in the way that Gyuvin's parents and every parent would adore and want for their son. Maybe she'd be kind and pretty, too perfect in a sense that girls would resent. Or maybe she'd have long silky hair, pink plump lips and feminine in all the ways that Ricky wasn't.

How sane would Ricky be once he saw his greatest love fall into the arms of another? Someone who he could never replicate or even attempt to be.

And god, he knows that he should've moved on a long time ago, but it'd hurt to let go of a love that not only hold romantic feelings, but also a friendship built over the years that he holds close to his heart. 

He just hopes that he would've moved on by the time the inevitable comes.

"Hyungs I need your help!" Gyuvin pleads with the best puppy eyes he could muster up. If he could see himself, he'd probably believe Ricky's judgement about him resembling a puppy.

Gyuvin bribed Gunwook into coming with him to go to Hao and Hanbin's apartment. Although Gunwook didn't have to be bribed to go to his favorite hyungs, Gyuvin still bought him a drink for good measure.

As always, Hao and Hanbin were cuddling together on their couch while watching something on tiktok. For some reason, Gyuvin's first thought is to imagine him and Ricky in their position. Maybe in two years time, They'd be out of college and they'd be planning on a house or how many pets they'd have.

"Our Gunwookie! I haven't seen you in a while." Hao complains with a pout on his face. Even if you weren't looking his direction, you'd still be able to hear the pout in his voice.

Gyuvin playfully rolls his eyes, maybe he isn't their favorite child after all. "Yah Zeng Aew! No 'Oh hi gyuvin! How are you and what do you need help with'?" He shuts the door behind him and walks over to their couch.

Hanbin also rolls his eyes and offers a seat beside him on the couch. "Hi Gyub, how are you and what do you need help with that you couldn't have just messaged us for huh?"

"Okay so," Gyuvin contemplates on what he's about to say. 'I'm inlove with Ricky' wouldn't suffice, he's already used that one last time he visited them. 'I don't know what to do with my crush' also wouldn't do, he doesn't want to seem so unsure, and calling Ricky as just his crush doesn't seem right either. Though he knows he loves his best friend, it's all still pretty new territory, a bit intimidating to touch on.

"How do I make Ricky fall inlove with me?"

From his side, he hears Gunwook trying his best to stifle a laugh and Hao sighing, fingers pinched in between his nose in either dissapointment or frustration, or probably both.

"What?"

"Well.." Hanbin starts, "He's already.. or I mean– actually! Isn't Valentine's near? Why don't you ask him out then? In the mean time, court him. You already kind of court him..so just continue doing that?" He shrugs and continues snuggling into Hao.

"You've practically covered all steps of courting, so you're set! Just do whatever you've done with previous partners but make it more grand, make him feel like he's the most special person in the world, in your world." Hao supplies.

"Or, you know," Gunwook turns to Gyuvin, "Just tell him you like him. It's not that hard." Gyuvin responds with a prolonged groan, because he knows it isn't that easy.

"You're just saying that cuz you and Mashu hyung confessed to each other! Of course it's not that hard for you." 

Hanbin and Hao gasp at the sudden information fed to them and both of them assault Gunwook with many questions, he glares at Gyuvin for airing his business.

"Hyungs! It happened like 3 days ago, sorry for not telling you sooner..." Hao grumbles something along the lines of being betrayed and Gunwook sighs.

"And Matthew didn't tell me?!" Hanbin gasps, also feeling betrayed. Gunwook urges them to return the topic back to Gyuvin.

"Didn't you guys say I was really obvious with my feelings? Are you guys sure he doesn't know?"

Hao sighs again, now putting his hands to his temples as if Gyuvin was seriously giving him a serious headache, which, hello? Him and Hanbin's pda gives anyone more of a headache than whatever boy problem he's having now.

"As far as we know, he really doesn't know. Judging by.." Hao quickly looks over to the others and reads the room, deciding to shut up on whatever he was about to say.

"Maybe he's as dumb as you," Gunwook snickers.

"Actually!" Hanbin says, pulling the attention of everyone in the room with his pointer finger up, expressive as always. Gyuvin thinks it'd actually kill Hanbin to not be so expressive for atleast a day.

"Kimgyu, I'm pretty sure people assume you're straight. I remember when someone from the dance team liked you in high school, I heard him talking to his friends about you. They said, and I quote, 'kim gyuvin? Isn't he straight?'"

Gyuvin shoots up from where he's sitting, exasperation seeping into his voice, "People think I'm straight?!" From that information itself, he looks like he's about to shit himself.

"Oh wait, remember that one guy in our class who people were saying liked you? Heard him and his friends playing smash or pass for our batch and he said 'Ah Kim Gyuvin? Would smash but he's straight.'" Gunwook unhelpfully adds to the discussion.

"I'm straight?!"

"Y'know, even Ricky might think you're straight." Hanbin turns Hao's phone back on to serve as background noise. "You've only dated and been in situationships with girls right? All the more reason for people to assume you're straight."

"Okay so, first step to operation 'Ricky Notice Me' is to... make him know I like guys?"

"Operation Ricky notice me? Really?" Hao's laughter cuts through Gyuvin's internal conflict, still being stuck on the fact that people think he doesn't like men. Those people would go into cardiac arrest from looking through his twitter account, having multiple not-straight thoughts about Choi San.

He notes in his head a list to make this operation possible.

Ricky Notice Me!

1. make Ricky realise I like guys

2. court him properly

3. make him know he's special

4. make Ricky realise I like him

Simple enough, right?

It is not simple enough as it seems to be.

All of the signs that Gyuvin has given seems to have been brushed off or ignored by Ricky.

A Choi San fancam fullscreen on his laptop fully out on display? Nothing.

Ricky scrolling through his private twitter account, seeing multiple of Gyuvin's retweets consisting of handsome men from his ult groups? Nothing.

Squealing from excitement because San posted a new selca? Ricky didn't even bat an eye, being used to his best friend's fanboy antics.

He had to change his plan. 

Him, Ricky, Yujin, and Gunwook were all at the bowling alley, thanks to Ricky's offer to pay since Gyuvin suggested to hang out and relax with the others. While Gunwook was busy glazing Yujin's bowling skills, Gyuvin glanced to his side to see a handsome man beside their group.

This was his opportunity. He knew he was within earshot for Ricky so there was no way he'd ignore this now. "Woah, that guy's hot." Gyuvin whispers to his ear and subtly leans his head to the direction of the guy he's talking about.

"Hm? Oh yeah, true." Ricky's eyes remain on his iPad.

Unbeknownst to him, Gyuvin is internally going insane because really? That's it?

Gyuvin makes sure to go through with the plan though, now going for complimenting men not through a screen in Ricky's presence. He can totally do this.

Ricky was mixing the strawberries in the bottom of his drink when Gyuvin sees another guy in his line of sight. This time, the man is shorter and displays himself in a more feminine way. He internally apologises to all the men he'd been subjecting to compliments lately just for the expense of Ricky's attention before opening his mouth.

"That guy's cute, should I get his number?"

And atleast this time, he sees Ricky getting affected by his subtle coming out. He stops sipping from his straw, now looking at Gyuvin to track who he's looking at. 

Ricky tries processing what Gyuvin just told him. Is he coming out to him? Should he say congrats? Or should he answer him, tell him his desired answer, 'sure Gyuvin! I'd love to see you get together with a man that isn't me!'

And for the record, since when has he been..bisexual? Up until now, Gyuvin has only liked girls. Is this a new discovery? Is this random guy his type? Does he prefer femininity?

He can do that. He can be prettier. Many people have already referred to him as pretty before, especially with his light concealer, eyeliner, and lip products that he puts on sometimes to keep him from looking anemic. He could probably also cut down on going to the gym in his free time to lose the masculinity his muscles hold, maybe he can–

Wait what the fuck? He shakes and slaps himself from the thoughts that invade his mind. No, he is not changing for a man, even though a part of him wants to.

Something in Ricky breaks when Gyuvin sits still, looking at him intently as he waits for his answer. To think that he's actually considering dating another man when he's here, infront of him, is downright offensive, but oh well. He can't help it if he isn't Gyuvin's type.

"Uhm.. sure?" Ricky suggests, still not going back to sipping his smoothie. He watches as Gyuvin looks up and taps his chin, looking like a cartoon character with how he'd practically form a thought cloud out of thin air.

"Mmmm nah, nevermind."

Before Ricky got to even respond, the man that Gyuvin had his eyes on suddenly walked over to their table.

"Hi pretty boy, saw you looking my way a while ago, thought you were cute. Can I have your number?" Ricky tries to not let the tone get under his skin, remaining nonchalant under the initial shock he felt that Gyuvin actually pulled who he wanted.

"I–uh–well.." Gyuvin sputters, seemingly not knowing what to say. Ricky wished that he wouldn't accept it, wouldn't give away the number that Ricky memorizes, the same one he already texts everyday.

Gyuvin can't not go through with this

Because would Ricky still believe him to be bisexual if he denied getting the number of someone he just told Ricky he was attracted to? He wouldn't blame Ricky if he thought Gyuvin was queerbaiting if he actually didn't give his number.

He cannot be seen as a queerbaiter, especially when he's just coming out 

"Oh–sure!" He takes the phone from the outstretched hand towards him, inputting Gunwook's phone number, sorry Gunwook. He's sure he'd understand when he tells him.

"Thanks cutie, name's Jaeyoon by the way," and with that, he walks away, carrying over the aura of confidence he had to another table. Gyuvin didn't even realise that the guy was a worker, seemingly only wearing a nametag and no uniform.

They absolutely can never come to this cafe again.

Ricky just sighs in defeat, why does he even love like Gyuvin?

Ricky knows the multiple, countless reasons, but he'd rather die than acknowledge them. He won't acknowledge them today, tomorrow, or ever. He won't ever talk about his feelings in detail ever. Not to Gyuvin, not to Hao, not even to himself. Because being in a homoerotic friendship is kinda pathetic as someone who has a one-sided crush, it's just how it is.

It's just that sometimes, he'd rather think that there's bliss in ignorance.

Meanwhile, Gyuvin is jumping in circles in his mind, now that Ricky knows that he isn't straight.

Ricky Notice Me!

1. make Ricky realise I like guys

2. court him properly

3. make him know he's special

4. make Ricky realise I like him

Ricky freezes when he sees the same polaroid they had taken a week ago in Gyuvin's hands,  being fiddled with and passed around from hand to hand like a cigarette. 

Does this mean he actually met up with the girl?

Gyuvin spots him at the door of their dorm. Every once in a while, they wouldn't go home together because their schedules weren't aligned. Ricky walked over to Gyuvin's table, trying to ignore what's in his hands. Maybe if he ignored it long enough, it would disappear. But it wouldn't disappear at all.

He tries taking a proper look at the photo but Gyuvin stands up to get something from his bag on his bed. Ricky's thoughts are killing him though.

Did they actually meet up? What was she like? Was she carefree and lively like Gyuvin? Did they click? Did they get drinks from a cafe that they often went to?

He tries not to explode at that, he doesn't have any right to be jealous at all. Even if Gyuvin himself voices to him that he gets jealous, Ricky doesn't have the right to be. They weren't at the same level of jealousy, and it wouldn't be fair to Gyuvin.

Gyuvin returns to his spot at his desk, now holding up the polaroid with tape on the back and the date written on the corner with a little heart, as if mocking Ricky's feelings. He tapes the polaroid to the wall and searches his pockets.

Ricky looks over the pictures taped on gyuvin's wall. A picture of their friend group taken three years ago, a picture of Gyuvin and his family, another individual picture of eumpappa and him, and finally, one of him and Gyuvin individually.

If someone saw that, they'd definitely think Ricky's his boyfriend or something.

He shakes his head from that thought, he can't feed into his own delusions. Ricky is still a human with desires, but he needs to remind himself that they are friends and only friends, even if it hurts.

"Rwik, I got this for you a while ago!" Gyuvin holds up his palm to show a matching pair of keychains. One of a calico cat and another of a fluffy dog. 

"Look, this one's mine and this one's yours, cuz you're a little kitty cat." Ricky tries not to be too flustered at that implication. Even if Gyuvin has implied that many times, it still doesn't make him feel less shy for feeling so known.

"Thanks Qubing." as soon as he accepts the keychain, the younger stands up again, and this time goes to their shared mini fridge. He pulls out a small red box with a ribbon around it.

"I checked the restaurant we went to last week to check the cake that you wanted to try, and it was available this time so I bought it for you."

It's times like these when Ricky knows for a fact that Gyuvin would be such a good boyfriend, that Ricky just wants to keep it all to himself, even though it's awfully selfish of him. 

He knows that Gyuvin is his best friend and vice versa, and he also knows that it's Gyuvin who chooses to be a clingy puppy around him. But sometimes, he can't help but think that maybe he's holding him back. 

It's inevitable anyways. One day, Gyuvin will have a loving wife and one too many kids to cater to his heart that doesn't seem to contain enough love. He'd have kids with the same big heart and small face as him. One day, Gyuvin will divert all his attention to something else other than University, other than their friends, other than him. 

And he isn't ready for that yet.

So for now, he'll marinate in the attention being given to him. 

He eats the cake, looking at the view outside the window. They're lucky to be able to get a view this beautiful when other universities get corporation buildings as views in their dorms, take Gunwook for example.

The different shades of blues and oranges mix together into a perfect scenery. Sometimes, things that seem beautiful alone are mixed together, don't come out as pretty.

The sky itself is beautiful from all the work of nature and whatever gods are working together to make it blend into the sky so seemlessly. Orange and blue blend together perfectly on the sky. Humans could try replicating it but its hard to do so, with the colors being so different.

Orange and blue mixed together on a canvas could clash together from contrasting each other too much. It could come out green, brown, and muddy depending on the technique. It could be carelessly blended on a surface by an unskilled amateur without knowledge of what mixing them without technique would come out as. 

It reminds him of life sometimes. And in a way, the people that are in it. Would he and other people blend together seamlessly? Or would they mix together into an ugly mess of colors, completely incompatible?

Sometime in high school, he learned that respecting individuality is better than combining them.

"Ricky don't freak out, but someone from another table has been staring you down, and I don't mean like– looking normally. I mean staring staring." Hao whispers to him.

To be fair, he's used to being stared at for his beauty. I mean, could you blame him? He always makes sure he doesn't go unnoticed with his self bleached blonde hair, obvious tattoo on his neck, and his designer clothes. But right now, he could practically feel holes being burned into the side of his temple.

Before he could ask for a description, Gyuvin materialises out of nowhere, covering his eyes with one of his ridiculously large hands. Screw Gyuvin and his cartoonishly giant hands.

"Kim Ricky! Guess what I got you!"

Gyuvin's slight yell earns a quick hush from Hanbin, not wanting to get kicked out. He gets a small lecture from that since, to be fair, they are at the library.

Though Hanbin and Hao have already graduated, they still visit the library from time to time. Though mainly Hao just pays a visit to the library to look for more material to teach his students, Hanbin tags along since who knows what he'd do if he wasn't attached to Zhang hao for an hour or two.

The lack of a reply from Ricky makes Gyuvin huff, now resorting to sliding his arms around Ricky's neck, sort of holding him in a soft chokehold. Ricky slowly opens his eyes to see two citron teas on the table, with his notebook set aside by Gyuvin, he guesses. He mutters a quick thank you, hearing Hao sigh from the side before Gyuvin finally lets go of him, sitting beside Ricky on the circle table.

"Ah, qubing–" the nickname makes Gyuvin giggle, as endeared by the other as ever. He smacks the younger, earning a fake, over exaggerated "ow". "Yah! Listen to me, do you still have my arts paper in your filecase? I think I made you hold it."

He takes his sweet time opening the plastic to the straw, poking through the top of the tea. It seemed like Gyuvin was taking his sweet time answering too, because when he could have been taking out his filecase by now, he was looking off somewhere instead. 

Gyuvin could sense some kind of familiarity with the guy.

That's when he realised–

Before Ricky could even ask what he was staring at, someone suddenly clears his throat, pulling the attention of everyone in the table. Ricky sips from his drink first before parting from the straw, now turning to—

Wait. What the fuck?

What is he doing here? What is—

"Hello, I'm Ma Jing Xiang. May I speak with Ricky?"

Ricky hasn't seen him since they broke up in 12th grade, and he definitely knows that Ma Jing Xiang was not studying here. Because if he had been studying in the same university as Ricky, he'd know, he would've seen him around. He also remembered something about him posting on social media about going to a university in China, so what exactly is he doing here?

Not only has he not seen the man since two years ago, he also hasn't dated anyone since then. How could he if the main reason they broke up is sitting in the same table as him?

Ricky met him before he met anyone in their current friend group, two years before he had even known Gyuvin. Ma Jing Xiang was his one and only friend back then, having been the only other person to understand Mandarin in their class.

Fortunately, they were seated together ever since that day in 6th grade, and their friendship grew since then. Sure, they had many disagreements, but they had more things to bond over to outweigh their useless little disputes.

They had more in common than not; a rich family, a chinese heritage, an interest in modeling, the same mbti, their parents' asian urge to put them into some kind of music lesson, which became piano for both of them, and before they knew it, they had the same feelings for each other before they even knew how to label them, both the feelings and their relationship. They didn't want to acknowledge them at first, seeming like scary territory that they'd rather not cross. Since then, their strong friendship started to crack. They could almost feel the tension between them.

At the time, Ricky and Jing Xiang refused to talk, still dealing with the whole feelings problem. Because both of them were still scared. Romantic feelings felt too big to handle, especially when you could barely handle algebra. They felt too scary, terrifying to tackle, especially that they wouldn't be sure what would happen to them. Would they immediately start dating? Would they start getting to know each other a bit more than friends? The uncertainty of everything killed both of them inside.

And so, Ma Jing Xiang moved back to China, and Ricky was left alone.

He felt so hurt that his closest and first friend since going to Korea chose to distance himself rather than to just talk. And sure, Ricky agrees that he could have been the bigger person, should have been, but at the time, he was a petty little teenager. He was angry because he knew the other boy knew that he wasn't good at talking about complex feelings, let alone his own feelings. And yet, the other did nothing to make a solution. He ran away from his problems just like he always did with situations at home.

But this was different, because he can talk to Ricky since he trusted him. He wasn't like Jing Xiang's parents who disregard and belittle his feelings and experiences, because Ricky cared, and he still did after that whole situation. It stinged that it seemed like Ma Jing Xiang didn't trust him after all that they've been through together. The end of their friendship left a hole in his heart.

He was left alone, having no choice but to be lonely. Although he did have friends, all of them were Jing Xiang's friends prior, so it was awkward interacting with each other knowing that not only was he the one who captured their friend's heart, but the one who also drove it away.

He'd rather run away than face it? Then so be it.

So everyday, he would wear his headphones and be quiet in the corner of the classroom, preferably with his iPad.

But then, Gyuvin came along. 

The same Gyuvin with his little rudolph nose, brunette hair, height that towers over everyone, but smaller, younger, and dumber than present-day Gyuvin. That one day in 8th grade, Ricky still remembers the day they met so vividly. He likes to refer to it as fate in his head.

Gyuvin likes to think back to that moment often, always describing Ricky as someone who seemed scary and intimidating like a lion with his blond maine all big and messy, but "once you get to know him you'd know that he's just a feisty kitty that can be tamed". Gyuvin claims him to be cute and lovely, thus, earning the nickname "lovelicky" early into grade 8.

"Hey! Ricky right? I'm Gyuvin" Gyuvin spoke up before Ricky could even slide his headphones on his head.

Ricky processed what the other boy said first, before nodding, "eung!" Ricky responded, still not sure what the other wants. Could it have been that they were paired for homework while Ricky fell asleep during classes? Or does he need something from him. Could this be the start of a story on being bullied by someone who's obsessed with him, like those from the k-dramas he'd binge watch daily?

But little Ricky had no idea that Gyuvin would become his friend and his closest confidant in everything.

Though extremely annoying at first, the other boy remained persistent on becoming his friend. Their friendship started with Gyuvin moving to the seat next to Ricky's, much to Gyuvin's friends and Ricky's dismay. He'd offer Ricky thoughts on the lessons and just about anything, and Ricky didn't care at the time on gaining a friend after the recent incident. But he did feel bad, so he also offered short insights to the boy.

They slowly started talking more and more, finding out things about each other, and finding that they were as opposite as they are similar.

Ricky preferred strawberries and Gyuvin liked mangoes better, yet they both preferred eating sweet desserts and savory meals together in one sitting. Ricky favors spring and Gyuvin liked autumn more, yet they shared the same sentiment on disliking the heat that summer brings. Ricky resembled a cat more than anything and Gyuvin resembled a dog, and usually, this would mean trouble for any other friendship, being too different, too opposite, yet their bond seemed to grow everyday until they were inseparable.

Before Ricky even knew it, the hole left in his heart was filled again, this time, with Gyuvin's kind and persistent presence that refused to leave, not that either of them would try to leave anyway. 

From then on, Gyuvin would continue offering his big heart to the blond, making Gyuvin's friends his own friends aswell. Even Gunwook, Gyuvin's bestfriend, eventually became his bestfriend.

He loves their little group, even if it consists of students from different grade levels. The youngest being Han Yujin, Gyuvin's self proclaimed adopted child that claims to be his mother, and the oldest being Zhang Hao, a Chinese violin prodigy. Though if you really think about it, Kim Jiwoong would be the oldest in their group, starting out as friends with Sung Hanbin through being the manager at his mother's cafe. 

At last, he was finally at peace, letting go of things that would've been futile to hold onto.

But little did he know, someone would come back. One day in 11th grade, someone appeared infront of Ricky. Someone who holds so much familiarity.

Ma Jing Xiang came back. This time, with a deeper voice and a taller and bigger build. And to be honest, Ricky had already mostly forgotten about him.

Ricky tried not to think much of it. He wouldn't be selfish about him coming back. He wouldn't do so much as to assume that he came back just for him, because that whole situation they were in was a rope that Ricky refused to let go of for a pretty long time. He held onto that grudge so much that his hands started burning and getting tired, and so he let go of it a long while ago.

Maybe he moved back to Korea because of his parents' jobs? It could've been that Jing Xiang came back to visit his old friends and maybe stay for good, seeing as he's most likely missed them. Or could it be for opportunities that weren't available back in China?

He tried to ignore him at first, going back to his conversation with Zhang Hao, the only other Chinese person in their friend group. He's grown fond of him due to his cuteness despite him being his gege.

Unfortunately for him though, the opportunity that wasn't available in China was Ricky.

Ricky was too stunned to protest when he was suddenly pulled into a secluded area in the cafeteria. Before he could even speak or ask why, the other boy uttered words that Ricky never thought he'd hear from the boy full of pride. Words that were long overdue.

"I'm sorry Ricky."

He spewed on about being a coward, feeling sorry, guilty, awkward, and regretful for running away from something that should've been dealt with 3 years ago. 

He finally spoke up about it, after years of being apart, after years of Ricky's wounds already being healed and having moved on from something he held onto too tightly when he couldn't tell if Ma Jing Xiang would come back at the time.

Of course, after all these years, Ma Jing Xiang still held a place in Ricky's heart, just like any other person that he deemed special throughout his life. And Ricky was alright and probably would be ecstatic with becoming friends and reconnecting wit—

"Would you be my boyfriend?"

What?

Ricky still loved him back, even if just a tiny bit, but the question felt way too abrupt for Ricky's liking. They just met again after 3 years for crying outloud.

He looked at him with pure want in his eyes that Ricky simply couldn't refuse. Not that he actually could, something tells him that Jing Xiang came all the way back here just for Ricky which made his heart drop, he doesn't want to believe it.

He doesnt know how he would live with himself, knowing that the sole reason he went back is because of him and all he'd do was flick him like an insignificant little bug after his efforts to come back. 

He really couldn't refuse, even if he knew he should've.

They started dating, for real this time. At first, Gyuvin was shocked to see Ricky holding hands, let alone dating the new student.

Didn't they just meet? Gyuvin would ask constantly to the group. Ever since, Ricky started hanging with the new student more and more.

But it's not like Ricky could really pull away from him when he catches him up with everything Ricky has missed in his life. Every single milestone, every story was shared with the most excitement and enthusiasm he'd seen from him, and Ricky wouldn't dare break his heart. They stayed side by side at all times, even during breaktime, even though they were from different classes. He thought his friend group would understand, it was their 'honeymoon' phase after all.

But sooner than later, Ricky started gaining his old feelings back with the other boy's insistence on getting to know each other again after all this time.

And he truly appreciated the effort that exceeded his expectations, if you could even compare him to Ma Jing Xiang from 8th grade. Its not like you could really blame him, or Ricky for the record, since they had both been young, dumb, and stupid.

But their happy honeymoon phase felt too good to be true, it had to end somehow, right?

After half a year, Jing Xiang started to pour all of his attention into studying, insisting that he'd be the sole provider for both of them in the future. Though Ricky reminded him that both of their families had enough money to do so, he stood his ground and was firm on studying.

And to be honest, that scared the shit out of Ricky because of how much he's dedicating himself to their future together. Because Ricky himself isn't even sure on what his own future looks like or what he'd want it to look like. And even so, Ricky doesn't know if he could exactly see a future he'd want with Ma Jing Xiang.

Maybe as friends, yes, but as partners? It would feel suffocating and tiring, he wouldn't be satisfied. And feelings like these appearing this early into their relationship should have set alarms off in Ricky's head. It should've alarmed Ricky to leave before any of them could be hurt further, but he knew that it would break the heart of the other.

He knew that the other boy loved him, and he did too, but the levels of their love weren't on the same level, where Jing Xiang's was teetering nearer to obsession.

Jing Xiang would always cling to Ricky, to the point where Ricky started to miss his personal space. Even in the comfort of his own home, Ma Jing Xiang would more often than not invite himself in, knowing that his mother isn't home with her insistent business trips. Whenever he wouldn't go home with Ricky though, he'd constantly demand to video call with him.

The one time that Ricky actually spoke up about it, he was near pulling his already fried and unhealthy blond hair off. 

"Jing Xiang, please. I'm tired, all I'll do is sleep, go home already." Ricky pleaded, nearly begging the other boy at this point.

He met the other's eyes, looking like a kicked puppy. Before it changed into a more angry, somewhat aggressive glare.

"I'm fine with just watching you sleep. What, are you hiding something from me?" He spat out bitterly, rushing to the gate to input the password. 

Ricky was quick to pry the other's hands off the gate once it opened, quickly shaking his head. "I'm not! Aren't you tired of this?!" Ricky yelled out, now pushing against the other.

"Tired? Do you not love me anymore?!"

Ricky felt his heart drop on the implication, what would have all these months meant, how many months would he have wasted if he didn't love the other back?

Most importantly, what about personal space did he not understand?!

Ricky composes himself, trying not to blow up on the other. Honestly, he's offended if the other actually thought he didnt love him back, what would all the sacrifices he made just to spend time with the other mean if he didn't love him?

The taller took his silence as an answer and angrily stomped out of the way, going to his bus stop.

That was the first time that Ricky recognized that their relationship was seriously draining him, and yet he still stayed. Every relationship is bound to be draining, right?

Fights became a constant in their relationship, mostly started by Ma Jing Xiang. He would go back and forth from accusing Ricky of not loving or trusting him anymore to constantly clinging onto him as if nothing happened. He'd constantly argue, because turns out Ricky hanging out with his friends was a sign of unfaithfulness. He would specifically make jabs at Gyuvin, knowing that it affects Ricky. He couldn't help but defend his bestfriend, "suspiciously so" Jing Xiang would roll his eyes then leave him alone.

One day, his jealousy flared up from seeing Gyuvin touch Ricky in a sexual sense as a joke, as normal teenager boys would do. He pulled Ricky away from Gyuvin and demanded him to cut contact with Gyuvin.

And Ricky was flabbergasted to say the least. What the hell? Who did he think he was to be ordering Ricky like that? He was his boyfriend, not his mother.

Of course, Ricky didn't cut contact with Gyuvin out of spite. 

Ma Jing Xiang's jealousy started to errupt more and more whenever he'd see Ricky hanging out with his friends. Even just a giggle out of Ricky's mouth from a joke that Sung Hanbin, a man with a boyfriend, would tick Ma Jing Xiang off.

Still, after every fight they would have, after every apology pathetically sputtered, Ricky stayed. This became a constant cycle they couldn't break. It wouldn't ever break if Ricky continued to hang out with people other than his boyfriend, and it wouldn't break if Ma Jing Xiang continued on with his possesiveness.

At some point, Ricky started realizing that he wanted to break up with the other. None of them were happy being together anymore unlike when they first started dating. Maybe he liked the attention he basked in back then, maybe this wasn't true love.

He started questioning himself if this was what a toxic relationship was like, but he should be thankful that he even had a partner that loved him and cared about him, unlike others in toxic relationships.

Unfortunately, he had to ultimately accept that they're better off as friends. Honestly, he missed his friendship with the other, he would be elated to be friends again, but he knew their relationship was irreversible now. They couldn't go back to being friends.

Ricky had his last straw when his boyfriend started talking about college. "Babe, we're almost graduating, which college are you going to?"

Ricky sighed, hoping that this wasn't going the direction he was thinking it would. "Why? You know they don't have the course that you like."

"It's fine, I'll find something interesting soon enough. As long as I'm with you," he says with such certainty, such confidence that Ricky can't help but push the other away when he was leaning in for a kiss.

This was his last straw. He can't keep going on like this. How could he be so comfortable in this little illusion they have of being so inlove with each other when they weren't as compatible as they make it seem? as Ma Jing Xiang wants to make it seem? 

"No, it isn't fine! You should be able to follow your dreams, not mine. I know you'll say that I'm your dream or whatever corny shit like that—" Ricky beats him to it before he could even start saying it. "But let's end this. Both of us aren't benefitting from this, and I think you know that more than you let on."

All of a sudden, he feels hands on his shoulders gripping him as if he'd slip away if he didn't. He couldn't seem to comprehend that this was it for their relationship.

"You can't just do that, you can't just break up with me when I'm talking about our future together. Ricky, do you not love me anymore? Because I can change, you know. Is someone forcing you to do this? Is-" his face pales, "Is Gyuvin making you do this?"

Ricky stares at him in disbelief, where the fuck did he get that accusation from?

"What does Gyuvin have to do with this?! I'm telling you that we can't keep going like this. I'm sorry that I'm breaking up with you just now, but it's better sooner than never. We don't fit together."

Jing Xiang suddenly put distance between them, as if disgusted by Ricky. "So it is Gyuvin, isn't it? I see the way you look at him, you love him more than me right? You really never loved me at all."

"It's always me telling you that I love you, when have you ever told it to me back huh? Never." Ricky's eyes widened, he has said I love you to him many times before. Sure he hasn't said it nearly as much as the other, but they both know that he's lying.

Ma Jing Xiang had even jumped to pepper him with kisses the first time he had the courage to tell him those three special words, so why is he turning against him like this now?

Ricky knows that the other knows about his struggle to openly talk to others about his feelings, so what the fuck?

"Save it. You want us to break up right? Fine." Jing Xiang spat out before Ricky even got to respond. He stormed out of the house, not without closing the door to Ricky's room with force.

Ricky was left there frozen, thinking about what his boy—ex boyfriend had told him. He claims he never loved him after how much he's given up just to be with the other by his demand? Never loved him when he actually started to distance from his friends? Never loved him when he eventually stopped protesting that he doesn't need to come over?

And Gyuvin? He loved Gyuvin more than his own boyfriend? What kind of accusation was that? Sure, Gyuvin might be closer to him than any other person in their friend group, but that doesn't mean that he loved him more than his fucking boyfriend.

Yet now that he looks back at it, he realises that his own ex beat him to understanding what confusing, complex feelings he had for Gyuvin.

And now, Ricky can't lie but say that he's relieved that the breakup happened the way it did. It hadn't ended in a way that made it harder for him to break up with the other with a dramatic tearful kiss or a prolonged argument. And although he was paranoid of the man barging into the house with the passcode he's known for years after the break up, Zhang Hao demanded for the blond to open up to him, making him the only one that he's confided in with this. He doesn't see the purpose of talking about their relationship to anyone years after it happened. It isn't relevant anymore, he isn't relevant anymore, so why even bother to talk or think about him?

And yet, after everything they've went through, why the fuck is Ma Jing Xiang here?

"Please, Rui? It'll just be a second." he pleads, this time in mandarin. It seems like Hao had finally recognized the man after a million skeptical glances at him since he tugs Ricky to his side in a proctective manner. Though it seemed that Ma Jing Xiang sensed Hao's stink eye with how much he was fiddling with his hands, shifting his weight from side to side with nervousness and with the pressure of everyone at the table having eyes on him.

Ricky looks around the group to confirm that they are indeed staring the man down. Hanbin had a rude stare that he definitely has never seen from the other with how kind and welcoming he usually is to everyone, making Ricky shiver. Especially Gyuvin's eyes, if glares could kill, Jing Xiang would definitely be six feet underground by now.

Ma Jing Xiang begs with his eyes, anything to get out of this awkward situation he got himself into. Ricky chose mercy and finally stood up, making the other sigh out of relief.

Jing Xiang leads the way, walking out the door of the library that has Ricky nervous for what he wants to talk to him about. Couldn't they have just spoken in the quiet somber atmosphere that the library provided?

Finally, they stopped right at the front of the mini park the campus had.

"So, how are you?" Jing Xiang offers a smile that Ricky doesnt reciprocate.

"Cut to the chase, what do you want?"

At that moment, Ricky has never seen the guy more apologetic than he is now. 

"I um–" he looks back up at Ricky's unrelenting glance, "I know that we ended pretty messily, the things I did and said when we were together were really shitty of me and I realised where I lacked in our relationship during the time we were apart. I'm so sorry for all of that and I want to start again, I still love you." He finishes, finally having the nerve to look down at the ground.

Honestly, Ricky wished God or whatever was up there had sent someone to intervene during his little speech because this confession isn't something he could easily get out off. The man was stubborn, and could still be stubborn.

To say that he was shocked was an understatement. Ricky remembered him posting a girl a year after they broke up in China, and to be fair, he had already moved on that time, so he wished him happiness in his head.

He's pretty sure he posted the same girl just about 3 months ago for her birthday, so what was he doing in korea?

"I um.. broke up with my ex girlfriend before going here. I realised late that I'll never love someone like how I loved you, and I still do. Please give me a chance? Just one"

And he just doesn't stop talking.

"You and Gyuvin haven't gotten together yet right? I'll be honest, I thought you'd get together right after we broke up but—"

Ricky's had enough with him already.

"Here you are again obsessed with Gyuvin, why don't you date him instead?!" 

"Oh but it's true right? You aren't dating Gyuvin or anyone for that matter, so just give me one last chance to prove myself worthy of your love." Jing Xiang argues back desperately with a hint of insecurity seeping into his voice that has Ricky surprised. The other wasn't one to be insecure, always choosing to look confident in whatever he does.

Ricky tries to think of the best way to reject him with the short amount of time he has. What can he even say? The man probably still has manipulative tendencies, he wouldn't know. If he flat out said no, he might start following him around and he does not want that. Ricky moved on and expected him to do the same.

He started to panic when the other held his hand, obviously expecting the answer to be the one he wants. He starts pulling away, what does he even sa—

"I'm sorry but we need to get to class." Gyuvin pulls his hand from Jing Xiangs grasp, aggressively pulling him to his side. Ricky doesn't even realise what happened until when they've walked inside a building where Ricky can take in a deep breath.

"You okay?" It's obvious that Gyuvin would have his walls up when he sees the ex that caused Ricky to be a paranoid mess during their last few months of highschool. Sure, Ricky has never told anyone about it except Zhang Hao, yet Gyuvin, ever the loving best friend, noticed soemthing wrong, and set himself as Ricky's own personal guard dog.

Ricky looks up to see worry in Gyuvin's eyes, which definitely shouldn't be directed to him. "I'm fine, thank you Gyu " he lets out a breath of relief.

He hopes that the taller drops it, lets it go like the usual confession he gets atleast once a week. He isn't sure how much Gyuvin heard from the conversation, but he hopes with whatever context he has of the situation that he won't think much of it.

It doesn't get mentioned in their little group of friends, thankfully. Either that or they don't mention it when he was around. Either way, he'd rather they drop the issue than spread it to the others. He would definitely prefer that Yujin, or better yet, Taerae doesn't know about any of this.

He continues going to campus with the same paranoia he had at 12th grade but this time, amplified. This time, he doesn't get the privelege of knowing whether or not Ma Jing Xiang will leave him alone, will go to china or not.

All of a sudden, he sees Ma Jing Xiang everywhere. He sees him near their dorm building, he sees him right outside the entrance of Hanbin's mom's cafe, he even starts seeing him in his nightmares.

If he thought his, let's say 'boy problems' couldn't get worse, his feelings towards Gyuvin amplified into something bigger and more dangerous during this time.

Through all the stress he was going through, Gyuvin refused to leave his side. Acting like a protective boyfriend doesn't do well with Ricky's delusional mind that unfortunately supplies many more scenarios that he can't let himself think of.

Nowadays, his head could just not resist seeing him and Gyuvin as something more. It's as if he was under a spell that can't get him to function normally, if normal was considered thinking about your best friend in romantic light moderately.

Why must Gyuvin be so boyfriend material?!

"If you don't want to be in a relationship, why don't you just say you have a partner?" Gyuvin asks, annoyed after seeing Ricky shoo away yet another person asking him out. Which he guesses is valid to feel, since he's almost always by his side, being Ricky's watermark in a way. And because they were once again interrupted by a stupid confession.

Don't get him wrong, he definitely likes and appreciates the attention and admiration. Yet sometimes, he gets tired of it. He was still human after all.

"Who would be my partner? You know that I suck at lying." Ricky sighs, trying not to remember times whenever he'd try to lie, almost always bursts into laughter from the thought of deceiving someone.

"I could be your partner Rwik, other people already see us as a campus couple, I wouldn't mind."

And of course Gyuvin wouldn't mind because he's just such a perfect best friend that would do anything for his friend's safety. And here he is selfishly thinking of him as more than just a friend.

"Gyuvin, stop talking like that." His mind might get more deluded into this sick twisted fantasy he has of being with the other so he begs him to stop.

"Talking like what?"

"Like we're–I don't–I don't know anymore!" Ricky sighs, Gyuvin really shouldn't have to deal with his stupid one sided crush right now. 

"I'm sorry, I can't tell you right now."

Gyuvin can't help but be confused again, another one of Ricky's outbursts and yet he still doesn't know the reason. Is it because of him? Is it because of whatever he's hiding from him? Could it be that he isn't accepting the offer to fake date because he actually does have a secret partner Gyuvin doesn't know about? Could it be that–no.

Could it be that he was with his ex again?

Gyuvin theorises with Gunwook, getting him to press pause on whatever game he's playing.

"Are you being serious man?"

Gyuvin shrugs sadly, "Could be possible though."

"Do you not hear yourself? Ricky going back to his ex that made him and is making him paranoid wherever he goes? That guy made him cry, which is rare for him. No way Ricky would go back to him."

"How are you so sure?"

"Gyuvin, trust me. I'd know."

He doesnt know what that's supposed to mean but he leaves Gunwook's place that night with a sense of relief. Of course it would be stupid for Gyuvin to think his best friend would be that stupid. His Ricky doesn't make stupid decisions like that.

So imagine his surprise when Hanbin calls him.

"Gyuvin, come to the bar near our apartment. We're with Ricky and Ma Jing Xiang is here." 

At that, Gyuvin dropped everything he was doing, and basically runs there. He even almost trips on his untied shoelaces from his rushing. He resorts to tucking the shoelaces back into his shoes.

When he arrives, he walks in the door to see a definitely drunk Ricky struggling not to cry out of frustation. Most likely also distressed from the attention they're gaining.

"Please Rui!" 

Ricky's hands were starting to tremble, causing Jing Xiang to take hold of them. Hao and Hanbin just watch in horror as Ricky slaps his hands away, successfully making them retreat.

"You don't have to prove whether or not you deserve to be given love, everyone deserves it. You don't have to prove that you're worthy of being cared for, because you are. But not like this—I can't love you like that anymore. You can't force me to love you anymore. We're over and we've been over, so stop holding onto something unatainable. You're obsession is unhealthy, leave me alone. Stop being delusional, I can't be that person for you, I'm sorry." Exasperation seeps into his voice, trying very hard to set his ground while not bursting into tears.

And it seems to have worked, because all of a sudden Gyuvin finally sees Jing Xiang's face with freshly fallen tears and red eyes, turning towards the door.

Ricky bitterly thinks back to the situation at hand. In another universe, the pair would've still been best friends. Instead of arguing like this, they most likely could've been laughing over a couple beers, maybe some wine if they were fancy enough, if only they never caught feelings. If only they could salvage the friendship they had.

The moment he sees his figure finally leave is when he finally lets himself cry. He chokes mid-sob, surprised when he sees Gyuvin by the entrance.

What is he doing here?

"Stop being delusional" he remembers himself spitting out of desperation. Yet he knows he should tell that to himself. Stop hoping that one day Gyuvin will realize, that one day he'll promise to stay by your side no matter what. Stop hoping for the impossible. Stop wanting what's unattainable. Stop hoarding all his love. Stop being selfish.

Yet some part of him wants to be selfish. He wants to think of the possibilities if he reciprocated Ricky's feelings. 

He almost stumbles down when he takes hold of his glass, wanting to continue drinking his problems away, it was all too overwhelming. That was what he originally came here for anyway, but Hao takes hold of his arm, urging him to stop. Everything was so blurry from the tears that refused to stop.

"–icky? Ricky, what the hell are you doing getting drunk on a weekday?" 

He tries blinking away his tears, though they never seemed to stop falling. He wants to see him clearly but his eyes seem to want him to not be able to see clearly. "Gyuvin?" his voice cracks.

"Text us when you get home Gyub, thanks."

He doesn't even know who's talking anymore, every noise in the bar was mixing together. All of a sudden, he's being hoisted up, his arm now wrapped around Gyuvin's neck and his waist was being held so delicately, as if he'd break if he wasn't careful enough.

He was unsteadily staggering his way through the bar, even though Gyuvin was already by his side. To be honest, he was trying to ignore Gyuvin's presence as best as he could. He tries his best not to reflect on his words earlier. Fuck, he feels so shitty.

They quietly waited for a taxi to pass by while Gyuvin constantly checked on the messy, sweaty, drunk Ricky beside him. Ricky scoffed internally, he doesn't deserve such caring eyes. He shouldn't be receiving such love to be given to him, and Gyuvin shouldn't be giving his love away so carelessly. His tears eventually dry out.

Fortunately enough, Gyuvin was able to hail them a taxi. The silence in the taxi was getting awkward, so Ricky tried focusing on the quiet hum of the engine while staring out the window. He agrees now, how stupid it is for him to get drunk on a weekday. This was definitely going to bite him in the ass in the morning.

The lights of the city were blurring together, blending into a pretty little light show, providing him a view to distract himself with while hoping to avoid the inevitable of Gyuvin scolding him.

When the taxi finally stops, he stumbles out first. He enters the dormitory, not without waiting for Gyuvin.

When the keypad finally makes a noise indicating it being unlocked, he tries his best to get to his bed, but not without knocking over the cartolina near his desk. When he finally settles with his face planted on his pillow, Gyuvin sits next to his body, finger brushing whatever tornado went through his hair.

"Ricky? Why'd you go drinking today of all days? You could've waited until saturday–you know, you could've told me to come along with you! That's what we always do."

"You were busy," Ricky's voice muffles against his pillow.

"Do you—" his voice cracks even though he cleared his throat before opening his mouth again, his hand pulls away which Ricky whines at.

"Do you not.. trust me anymore?"

Ricky's tired eyes opened wide, he was expecting a lecture from Gyuvin, not whatever this is.

'Do you not trust me anymore' seemed like words he'd hear from Ma Jing Xiang, it was already predictable with how much he said it back then. But hearing those very same words to be uttered by Gyuvin of all people got him to wake up. 

He tries his best to sit up, turning to look at Gyuvin's eyes. His heart breaks to see his eyes shining from tears that can't help but well up. 

"What made you think that?" Ricky tries his best to be the bigger person. Tries his best not to be upset at the accusation. He needs to hear him out.

"You've been hiding something from me since that time when you got mad at me on campus. And then you had another one. I thought it was my fault. I asked you about it, but all you said was 'I dont know, I can't tell you right now'. At first I let you set the pace, I trust that you know when to tell me. But it's weird for me to think that you don't trust me enough to talk about it. Did I do something wrong? Just tell me and I can fix it." 

The brunette finally looks up at him, they're now eye to eye. Ricky has never in their seven years of friendship seen Gyuvin so... upset and dejected. To think that Ricky was the one who put him in that state made Ricky choke up, now trying not to start sobbing as well.

To see such a happy person look so heartbroken, made Ricky feel so guilty. He could hear his heartbeat from his ears.

"I'm sorry Gyu, I just really can't tell you. Maybe one day, but not now." He can't let a stupid confession get in the way of their friendship, not again.

"You can tell me anything, I'd support you through anything! Fuck, I'd be okay with you being in a secret mafia family. Why do you feel like you can't tell me? You know I love you right?" He pleads, Gyuvin's tears were slowing down but his nose was still becoming more and more red.

"That's the problem!" Ricky clutches his hair, not ready yet to reveal why he'd been acting like that. After those outbursts, he hoped silently that Gyuvin wouldn't remember them, yet here they were.

"What is? You're in a mafi–"

"That you love me! Do you know that I–" He takes a breath, he didn't expect this to come so soon. He was expecting to reveal this little secret maybe once they've both settled down in their thirties, maybe telling stories over alcohol while Gyuvin's kids were already sleeping, not like this.

He sighs, trying to calm his heartbeat while looking Gyuvin in the eye for him to feel the sincerity in what he's about to say. Gyuvin looks as confused as ever.

"Do you know that I was inlove with you? Not in the way that you love me. I mean–not was, I still am. I have been for years now. And I'm sorry to only tell you this now, I couldn't let this get in the way of our friendship, not when you only love me as a friend. I'm sorry, Qubing."

He regulates his breathing, letting himself fall into the illusion of being sober as best as he can. He sees Gyuvin's eyes widen, he hopes this won't make it awkward between them. Fuck, he doesn't know how he'd live with himself if Gyuvin couldn't look him in the eye after this night. 

"You're.. inlove with me? What do you mean?"

He doesn't want to expose his heart as much as he already has, but he guesses he owes it to Gyuvin.

"What's so difficult to understand about that? I see you as more than a friend, I want to kiss you and go on dates with you. I'm sorry." This time, he tries burying his head into his hands. He's too scared to look at Gyuvin's eyes.

What if he hates me now.

He squeezes his eyes tight, but he feels Gyuvin rubbing his shoulder.

"Hey, don't cry. Why are you sorry?" He can feel Gyuvin trying his best to get his hands out of the way but he doesn't relent.

Somehow, the words make him cry more. How dare he think that Gyuvin, who has a heart that could accomodate to anyone, Gyuvin who contains all the love in the world, the very same Gyuvin who he's trusted with his heart for years, would hate him.

"I'm so sorry that I caught feelings, I'm sorry that I got mad when you joked about us being together. I couldn't handle it, I couldn't let you blindly feed into my one-sided crush. I know that those are just jokes to you but, I'm actually inlove with you."

When Gyuvin realizes that he wont remove his hands from his face that easily, Gyuvin kneels down on the floor, now looking up at Ricky from the ground, carefully removing his hands from his eyes.

"Who said it was one-sided?"

"What? You're lying to me."

Ricky opens his eyes to see a blurry vision of the most genuine pair of eyes. Gyuvin frowns though, taking hold of both his hands on his lap.

"Why would you think that?"

Ricky sighs, he is too emotionally constipated for this.

"You don't love me like that. I'm not your type, I would've known if I was." He isn't that stupid. He tries his best to keep eye contact.

"What's my type?" Gyuvin grips his hands even tighter.

"You–" he takes a breath, trying to think back to these past few weeks. "You like girls. You also um–you like feminine guys. You like, um.. guys who are good at bowling? You like Choi San."

"You know what else I like?" Gyuvin responds, a smirk makes its way through his frown. Before he could even open his mouth to answer him, Gyuvin opens his mouth first.

"You."

And suddenly, his face is being held in Gyuvin's freakishly large hands. His thumbs wipe at his tears, even wiping away the smudged eyeliner.

This had to be a dream, right? He blinks, pinches himself once, twice, before Gyuvin takes hold of his hands again while giggling. He sits on the bed again once he's sure that Ricky won't hide again.

"Kim Rick, I love you so much, there wouldn't be a single universe where I didn't love you the same way. Please believe me, I'd say it a thousand times if you need me to."

And he guesses he should feel compelled to believe him now that it comes from his own mouth. Gyuvin's eyes are so full of warmth, so full of love that Ricky almost mistakes it to be directed to someone else, believes that it should be directed to someone more worthy, but he was the chosen one. Gyuvin chose him. And for now, that was enough.

"Can you please kiss me Qubing?" 

He felt so much love for the other that he couldn't help that kissing him was one of the main priorities his drunk mind provided him. He tried not to think of the possibilies they could have. Not when they both felt high from the happiness of the moment. 

Maybe this time, he was mature enough to navigate such terrifying feelings that used to feel taboo. Maybe this time, he won't be so scared of losing his best friend. Maybe this time–

"Sorry Rwik, can't kiss you right now."

His heart drops. How stupid of him to think that Gyuvin would want to kiss him, especially after  just confessing. Of course he wouldn't want to kiss right away!

Or better yet, not at all! Stupid Ricky.

He starts biting his lip, effectively shutting his mouth. He's been trying not to fall asleep this whole time but now all he wants to do is to melt into the bed and sleep out of embarrassment. He wraps himself in his strawberry patterned comforter, gifted by Gyuvin years back.

Gyuvin is quick to reassure him though, removing the comforter from his face.

"I didn't mean that I didn't want to kiss you, c'mon. I mean that you're still drunk, I need you to be sober for our first kiss."

Ricky flushed even more than from the alcohol at the mention of their 'first kiss'. He wanted to argue that he was sober enough, but he wanted to sleep. He hums and finally settles in his bed. Sure, it might be disgusting to not take a bath after being at a bar, but he didn't want to take a bath at the dormitory this early in the morning.

Screw first year Ricky for being too lazy to find apartments nearby.

He feels Gyuvin's presence move away, causing him to whine. "Stay with me, Gyu." He opens the comforter, offering space for the other to lie down.

This was so stupid. A few minutes ago, they were just crying together. Now, they're.. stuck together.

He smiles when he feels Gyuvin shimmy onto his bed. He pulls the brunette near him, finally starting to fall asleep.

Gyuvin wakes up first, blinking groggily from the curtain letting sunlight seep into the comfort of their room. He blinks a bit more before realizing that he wasn't in his own bed, which must mean...

He gasps when he looks down on his chest. Ricky's bed head on his chest and arms around him was definitely a sight he would've thought he'd only ever see in dreams. He tries to even out his breathing as to not wake the other, tries not to be too aware of his cheeks turning pinker and pinker when he vividly feels Ricky's soft breath on his chest. The sunlight focuses on his pretty eyelashes, highlighting his beauty, even when he's asleep.

The sun seems to wake him up though, his eyes start opening, immediately squinting from the brightness of the room. God, Gyuvin is so endeared by him.

"Good morning princess." Gyuvin mumbles, giggling from a slow blinking Ricky. He blinks up at him a few times before his eyes widen, now more conscious of what he was doing.

He suddenly gets up, cheeks instantly becoming reddish.

"Fuck, I remember what happened last night," He clenches his eyes, covering them with his hands. "and my head fucking hurts."

Gyuvin tries remembering which drawer they kept their medicine in. He'd probably have to get out of bed to buy painkillers for his.. boyfriend?

"Hey Rick, what are we now?" he asks.

"If it's fine for now, can we just be..us?" Ricky looked so small, he felt compelled to hold his hands.

"Of course!" Gyuvin would never do anything Ricky didn't want to do. 

"You still wanna kiss?" Gyuvin runs his hand through his hair. He's a bit nervous since he hasn't kissed anyone since first year high school, so he tries to feign confidence.

It seems like Ricky sees through him though, smirking as he pushes Gyuvin against the bed, now gaining confidence to lead.

"Bet."

Ricky Notice Me!

1. make Ricky realise I like guys

2. court him properly

3. make him know he's special

4. make Ricky realise I like him

Gyuvin might've missed some steps, whoops.

They spent Valentine's together, of course. If them walking to campus hand in hand didn't scream couple, he didn't know what did. They both finally effectively scared away each other's admirers, and they both were finally smart enough to stop walking around each other.

Taerae caught both of them on a date together in Hanbin's mom's cafe. To be fair, it wasn't unusual of them to be together at all, so he hadn't suspected anything at first. Everything started piecing together to him when he saw two bouquet of flowers lying on their shared table.

"I knew it!" He had claimed, rushing to tell Jiwoong and Hanbin's mom in the employees room in the cafe. Hanbin's mom, who their whole friend group had already collectively regarded as their own mother, had expressed her support and her "I knew it wouldn't take that long."

Now, two months later, Ricky was planning to ask Gyuvin to be his boyfriend. He felt as nervous as when people would propose to their fiances. He guesses this could also be counted as one. 

What if he says no?

What if he doesn't want to be boyfriends?

He tried his best not to walk around their dorm out of nervousness. He tried busying himself with his phone, his schoolwork, and even with tidying around the room, yet nothing helped to calm his pounding heart.

When he finally hears their door creak open, he immediately crashes into him. Gyuvin happily reciprocates the kiss, pouring all his energy into kissing him back.

Ricky stumbles back a bit before breaking the kiss, giggling from a dazed looking Gyuvin. He moves to look at his freshly kissed lips, his cute little nose and finally his eyes, just to find the personification of love staring right back at him, right through him. The amount of times Gyuvin's eyes carried so much love towards him never made Ricky any less shy in his delicate gaze. What was he so nervous for?

"Gyuvin, be my boyfriend."

They were opposites, yet they contrast each other in a way that fits. They work well together, they were compatible. Gyuvin and Ricky were the orange and blue in the sky that blends together flawlessly, like they were made to do so. Like they were made to be together, they match, they were ideal. They were each other's constants.