Chapter Text
It was nothing short of a miracle that you’d made it through the day.
Two days ago, you’d started feeling a light scratching at the back of your throat, your nose would spontaneously run now and then, and perhaps a headache was building. Nothing you couldn’t fix with a little bit more rest and copious amounts of tea.
Nevertheless, despite how mild it had seemed, you had taken to avoiding the staff room you typically went to every night, where you’d share the evening with Severus Snape. As odd as it may have seemed to you at first, over the past three years of your teaching at Hogwarts, you and Severus had grown…not close, necessarily, but closer. What began as an occasional evening every few weeks spent together in the most isolated staff room, a place you both had gravitated towards as introverts, had morphed into nearly nightly visits.
And god help you, somewhere along the way, you’d fallen for him.
As it turned out, the coldness and standoffish-attitude he assumed was mainly a mask, covering for his own insecurity, awkwardness, and overall lack of social skills. Plus, even if it was deep down, you could tell that he cared for some people, and you were lucky enough to be counted in that (very) small circle. Initially drawn to him for his intellect, you had been slightly surprised to find that there was kindness in him after all.
It was just the little things. The way those ebony eyes focused so intently on you when you spoke, as if you were the only person in the world. Once, you’d complained about the mountains of student work you’d had to look over, and without a word he’d reached for a stack and begun grading it. And when you’d been new to teaching at Hogwarts and knew no one, dreading mealtimes as if you were a teenager again because of how obviously alone you were, he hadn’t hesitated to sit beside you.
Some nights in the staff room, you talked, and you treasured the rare moments you made him smile, or the even rarer moments you made him laugh. Sometimes you simply sat in companionable silence, grading essays or drawing up lesson plans. For you, it didn’t matter, because just being in his presence was enough. You felt safe. You felt at peace.
And if sometimes, your chest ached with longing for him, or you cried at night because you knew he would never feel the same, well…that was your business. He was a drug you could never get enough of, no matter how much it hurt.
But all of that was the reason that you’d kept to yourself these past few days. Partly because you would’ve hated to get him sick, no matter how slightly. But also partly because if he saw you at your most vulnerable and he was disgusted with you, you didn’t think your heart would be able to take the blow.
It ended up being for the best, anyway, because today, nothing about the way you felt was mild. Your throat burned with every swallow, and you’d developed a deep, chesty cough. You alternated between blazing hot and shivering cold, the fluctuations so extreme they made you feel dizzy and weak. It had taken every ounce of your strength to get through teaching today, and now you were about ready to collapse at your desk. There would be no chance of you making it all the way to the Great Hall for supper. You hadn’t eaten all day, but you were so unhungry it didn’t bother you in the slightest.
You were just gathering up your papers, telling yourself you could retreat to your quarters if you did at least two hours of work tonight, when you heard a soft knock on your office door.
Assuming it must be a student, you cleared your throat before calling out, as loudly as you could manage in your hoarse voice, “Come in!”
To your shock and mild horror, in swept Severus, his trademark black robes billowing behind him. He crossed your small office in three large strides, unceremoniously depositing a plate of food onto the desk in front of you.
“Since you’ve missed all scheduled mealtimes today,” he murmured, eyebrow arching slightly in question and gaze piercing.
You couldn’t help it, you beamed at him. Your traitorous, traitorous heart was fluttering with happiness. “Severus! Thank you so much, you didn’t need to do that.”
He said nothing, merely kept watching you, waiting for an explanation you didn’t have.
“I’ve just…been very busy, as of late,” you said, hoping he couldn’t hear the roughness tingeing the edges of your voice. “Almost the end of the term, you know how it is.”
“Is that also why you’ve been unavailable the past few evenings?” he asked.
“Yes!” you nodded vigorously, ignoring the way it made your head swim and hoping he was buying it. “I wanted to come, but there was just so much to do.”
He narrowed his eyes. “That is not something that has ever stopped you before.”
That…was true.
“Although,” he added, stalking another step closer, “you do look unusually…tired.”
You burst out laughing, knowing that was his way of telling you that you looked like shit. Unfortunately, laughter was too much for your lungs in their delicate state, and a flurry of wet, heavy coughs exploded out after it. Panic and shame flooded through you as the fit subsided, and when you looked up again, you half-expected Severus to have fled. Why wouldn’t he? You were disgusting.
To your surprise, though, he was right beside you, crouched down so that you were nearly eye level.
“And the truth comes out at last,” he said, his expression a stern frown but his voice so soft you shivered. He pressed the back of his hand to your forehead, his fingers cool against your overheated skin. “A fever. You’re ill.”
For an instant, you wondered if you were completely delirious. Was this really happening?
You blushed deeply, averting your gaze. “Of course not, I’m fine. Maybe a tad under the weather.”
You reached up to take his hand from where it had been lingering against your cheek, only to find your body telling on you in a new way. The same hand that had felt so cool against your brow was delightfully warm against your own icy fingers.
Severus frowned even more deeply, capturing your frigid hand and holding it between both of his warm ones. “Come, you shouldn’t be working in a state such as this, you must rest.” He stood up, gently pulling you to your feet as well.
You opened your mouth to reply, but were instead cut off by another round of vicious coughing. You hurried to turn as far away from Severus as possible, burying your face in your sleeve. The fit hurt, leaving you breathless and dizzy in the aftermath, black dots swimming across your vision as you swayed.
He still hadn’t released your hand, and instead pulled you closer, steadying you. “I really don’t like the sound of that, (Y/N).” His voice was tight with worry, and it made your insides melt.
Keeping one arm around your waist, he did finally let go of your hand, grabbing the plate of food he’d brought back off your desk as he guided you out of your office. But instead of turning right, to begin the long walk back to your quarters, he turned left, to go deeper into the castle. You looked at him questioningly.
“My quarters are closer,” he said simply. But were you imagining it, or was he blushing slightly? “And I have several potions for you.”
“Sev, no, I don’t want to intrude,” you protested, your voice a wreck. You cleared your throat, wincing. “And I don’t want to give you this.”
He cocked an eyebrow at you. “Finally admitting it’s worse than ‘just under the weather’?”
You ducked your head and shrugged, smiling helplessly up at him.
A ghost of a smile played on his lips as he rolled his eyes at you. “It's of little consequence. If you’ll permit me, I would like to examine you. I’m guessing you have not gone to Madame Pomfrey.”
His onyx eyes met yours, confirming the validity of his last statement, and you shook your head. He sighed, seeming to barely refrain from rolling his eyes a second time.
“You ought to take better care of yourself,” he admonished. Even though he was scolding you, his face was soft with barely-hidden concern, and your insides grew warm again.
“I thought it would pass, honestly,” you admitted. A cool draft cut straight through you, and you shivered again. You felt Severus tighten his arm around you slightly, and you blushed.
Thankfully, you had finally made it to his quarters. He ushered you in to a surprisingly cozy living room, where he guided you towards the couch. After setting the plate down on his nearby kitchen table, with a flick of his wand, the fireplace roared to life.
“I’m going to run a diagnostic spell,” he said assertively, but paused, giving you time to withdraw consent if you so chose.
You waved your hand dismissively, granting permission, and curled up against the arm of the couch. The short walk had taken more out of you than you wanted to admit, and you were relieved to finally sit.
You felt as the spell scanned lightly through you. Severus took the printout, and as he looked through it, you watched as his frown turned into an outright scowl.
“For Merlin’s sake, you have pneumonia!” he exclaimed, dark eyes flashing.
“Surely not, Severus,” you protested weakly.
He glared at you. “Surely yes, (Y/N). Fatigue, loss of appetite, rattling cough, fever of 38.5…!” He trailed off as he pressed his hand to your forehead again, as if he needed to check for himself.
You felt your cheeks burn in a way that had nothing to do with your fever. In the past half an hour he had touched you more than he had in three years, and it was making your head spin. You closed your eyes against the dizziness, leaning in to his fingers before you could stop yourself.
You heard him sigh. When he spoke again, his tone was gentler. “Are you in pain anywhere?”
You were in pain everywhere, it seemed. You gave a noncommittal shrug.
“Where, specifically?” he asked, teeth gritted, clearly digging deep within himself for patience.
You couldn’t help but smile a little at that. “My head, my throat a bit. My chest. I don’t know, really, my whole body aches.”
His hands twitched, as if to reach for you again, before he pulled back, clasping them together. He was still frowning deeply at you, concern etched in every line of his face. “I’ll be right back, I have some potions that will help.”
Severus turned and swept from the room, and you felt the loss of his presence. Despite the fire he’d lit, it was cold in the stone room, and you shivered hard, crossing your arms across your chest. In truth, you were rapidly feeling progressively worse, and you were so grateful he had come for you when he did. For just a moment, you rested your head against the couch’s armrest, eyes slipping shut.
He was back too quickly, startling you. Those pitch-black eyes you loved looking at so much were filled with storm clouds, angry and restless. But right beneath that anger was the worry, so endlessly deep you could almost drown in it. You almost wanted to.
Instead, you were drowning in your own lungs. You launched into another miserable string of coughs, pressing your spare hand to your chest because it hurt.
To your surprise, you felt Severus’s hand on your back, rubbing firmly. The motion was soothing and helped the fit subside, but afterwards, breathing was difficult, each breath more of a wheeze.
“Take these,” he said, handing you one potion at a time from the array he’d placed on the nearby coffee table. He watched you closely as you drank them, his face pinched and drawn with concern.
When you’d finished, he just stood there, looking at you with an intensity that made you want to squirm. After what seemed like an eternity, he simply said, “Come with me.”
Your body screamed its complaints as you slowly uncurled yourself, muscles aching all the way into the bone. Thankfully, as if sensing it, Severus took your arm and helped you heave yourself up, and you leaned gratefully into him. You felt him stiffen slightly beneath you, but he didn’t pull away, just wrapped his arm around you again and guided you out of the living room. Right to the…bedroom?
You looked up at him, confused. It was dark, but you could’ve sworn he was blushing.
“You can rest here. I’ll be just outside if you need anything,” he said, not meeting your eyes as he helped you to the bed.
“I can’t sleep here! Where will you sleep?” you protested, your voice rough. You coughed into your sleeve, relieved when it didn’t turn into another fit.
“On the couch, obviously,” Severus replied, something of a smirk on his lips.
You glared at him. “No! Absolutely not, Sev, this is ridiculous. I’ve inconvenienced you enough. I’m perfectly capable of taking the Floo back to my rooms.”
You made to stand up again, your muscles shaking from the exertion, but he simply rolled his eyes and gently pushed you back down. “I wouldn’t trust you to levitate a feather in this state, let alone use the Floo network. Heaven knows where you’d end up.”
You let out an indignant sputter at that, which just invited your pathetic, humiliating body to start into another coughing jag, so strong it brought tears to your eyes. Severus had bent down to rub your back again, eyes soft and face tight with sympathy, all traces of his teasing gone, and for one overwhelming moment you thought you might cry. You managed to force back the wave of emotion with tremendous effort, determined to hold on to the last shreds of your dignity.
“Besides,” he added quietly, still gently massaging your back, “with you sounding like that, I want to be able to monitor you.”
Your heart flopped painfully in your chest. You were so, so, so gone for him.
Not trusting the steadiness of your voice, you simply nodded, giving in. He squeezed your shoulder once before turning and making his way back out of the room.
“Call for me if you need anything,” he instructed, serious black eyes looking sternly at you.
You managed a tired but grateful smile, waving goodnight as he shut the door behind him.
Once again, it seemed that he had taken all of the warmth in the room with him. You just barely kept from moaning as you crawled under the covers. The bed was soft as a fluffy cloud and you sank in to it, every bone in your hips and spine hurting.
You coughed, hard enough that you could feel your heartbeat throbbing in your head. You knew the potions would kick in soon, thank Merlin, but for now, you just felt like shit. You were somehow hot and cold at the same time, an uneasy pulsing running through you.
And that’s when it finally got through your muddled brain: this is Sev’s bed! The pillow you were resting on was his pillow! Oh Merlin, it smelled like him: the pillows, the soft, clean sheets, the fluffy duvet, all smelling like earth and pine and safe. It was as if you were wrapped in his arms.
But you weren’t. You were alone, because of course you were. Severus had been kinder, gentler, with you than you could’ve ever dreamed, but your heart had been running wild with every touch, and it was time to rein it back in.
Face facts, you told yourself. He doesn’t love you. He will never love you. You’re lucky that he cares about you at all.
You rolled over, trying as best as you could to swallow past the lump in your throat, your face hot against the cool pillow. You felt heartsick, and regular sick, but you tried to ignore both as you closed your eyes, drifting off into a fitful sleep.
You could still see his dark eyes in your dreams.