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Dazai laid on his bed in his shitty apartment he was sick, he knew it. When was the last time he ate? when was the last time he had drunken any water?
He hated himself he shouldn’t have existed everything about himself was horrible he was just a self pitying piece of trash. Dazai held onto the rusted razor in his hand he let it cut into his palm and fingers he deserved to bleed the blood pooled onto his mattress, it was disgusting and filthy just like everything in his god forsaken apartment.
Dazai lifted the razor onto his bare arm his disgusting scare riddled arms, this wasn’t his body it never felt like it was the way he acted the way he talked it was like he was watching someone else do it. Dazai was pathetic he couldn’t remember anything that had happened that day everything was just static he was hungry. The hunger made him feel empty and even less human but eating just made him feel like a disgusting pig.
There was nothing left for him he was a leech a parasite with nothing ahead of him in life. Dazai cut into his arm he always hated pain but just for a moment when he cut his arms he felt in control of himself like he was alive. It was foolish but it helped for a second just a moment before he was back in that cramped trash filled apartment Dazai staying in bed he watched the blood drip down onto the floor with an empty expression.
The blood pooled at the bottom of the bed. Dazai looked around his room was filthy, flies gathered around the discarded food on the ground the food he couldn’t finish because just the thought of eating made him sick, the feeling of food going down his throat. It disgusted him when he looked in the mirror because when he saw his reflection what he saw was something pretending to be human something trying so desperately to find a reason to live.
It was all pointless what was even the point of life Dazai was done, when he went to sleep that night he didn’t wake up, he imagined his body rotting, maggots crawling underneath his skin, flies swarming what never was his face just a guise, a mask, something to hide the fact that he was not a human in fact he was disqualified as a human being from the start.