Chapter Text
It was about 3:00 AM, and Aldo was woken by a knock at his apartment door. Cardinal Lawrence, Thomas, was standing outside, head bowed, eyes red. Aldo ushered him inside with a gentle hand on his shoulder, checking that no one was lingering in the corridor before closing the door behind him.
"Thomas? What's going on?" Aldo leant back against the door, his hand still on the handle while Lawrence composed himself.
Lawrence spoke softly, "I need to ask you something, and I need you to listen to what I'm saying."
"Right. Go ahead." Bellini braced himself for the words he'd been dreading to hear - but simultaneously had been praying for all the while.
"I can't function anymore. I can't pray, I can barely breathe when I'm in the same room as you."
'After we kissed last week' went implied but never uttered.
"I had never understood why people abandon their vows for love... but now... now I do." He stepped toward Aldo, his hand trembling as it stayed at his side, his fingertips digging into his palm.
Bellini's face dropped at the mention of love - not out of disgust, but shocked at Thomas' ability to speak the concept out into the world - he couldn't help but keep speaking.
"I can't read your mind, but I do know you. And I don't think I can survive without you in my life, Aldo." Thomas paused, his gaze dipping from Aldo's as he took a longer breath. "Not now that I know how you taste." Aldo felt the room start to spin as his hand quivered at his side. Thomas spoke again a moment later, his voice a whisper on the air, "Will you have me?"
The whole world seemed to take a breath in at that moment, awaiting Aldo's response. Even he didn't know what words would come from his lips, parted, the idea of a response on his tongue.
"Thomas..." Aldo stepped into the room, creating distance between him and his best friend, moving to his bedside table, where a Bible, Rosary, and theological research papers sat next to his glasses case. A reminder of all he had given up, though simultaneously a reminder of why he gave did in the first place.
"If you'll have me, I'll do whatever it takes to keep us safe. That or-"
"Or what? We both leave the Church? After all this time, all this effort?" Aldo paced around the small space. They had been sequestered for 4 days, and through it all, Thomas had been following him around like an obviously lovestruck puppy. The rumour mill had been churning alongside the regular secrets normally revealed in the process of the Conclave, not to either of their benefits. "I'm not going to sit here and let you destroy us both."
"Aldo, I-"
"I'm not debating this." He faced into the room, his back to where Thomas was sat on the couch, leant forward, his hands bracing on his knees, knuckles white where they gripped cloth.
"Please."
Aldo closed his eyes, hating the way Thomas always made him concede. The way his head tipped back as his hands on his hips loosened their grip gave Thomas the confidence to speak.
"We can make this work. We can work around the Curia, it's not as if we haven't already been subject to rumour-"
"You're living in a fantasy." Aldo warned, his jaw tightening.
Lawrence let out a breathy laugh, head dizzy with potential, "If it means you are by my side then yes, call it a fantasy." He paused and stood, watching Aldo's shoulders rise and fall with each deep inhale, stepping toward him, "Is this not what you want?" Am I not good enough for you?
"What I want is irrelevant. My vows are more important."
"You didn't seem to pay attention to your vows when you-"
"Don't." Aldo turned his head over his shoulder to stare Thomas down, "You can't use one moment as a justification for leaving behind our lives." Thomas' shoulders dropped, and he sat back down, his head dipped, hands folded in his lap. Aldo paced around the room as he spoke, "We have to be realistic about this. I don't want one lapse of judgement to follow us through the rest of our careers. I mean, what if down the line, one of us is considered a front runner for the papacy? What if we get caught, and suddenly another Cardinal has the ammunition to ruin both of our lives in the Curia? All because we couldn't maintain our vows."
"And live with the regret of never having what we both want?" Thomas pauses, clearing his throat, lowering his voice, "I wouldn't dare tell a soul if that's what you're worried about."
"That's easier said than done." Aldo braced his hands on the edge of the dresser. He bit the inside of his lip while he was thinking. "I'm sorry, Thomas."
"Say it."
"Say what?"
"That you don't want this. That you have no feelings in your heart for me. Say those words, and I'll go, let the memory gather dust and never speak on this again." Thomas stepped toward Aldo, closing the gap so they were staring eye to eye, feeling the other's breath on their cheek.
"Thomas-" Aldo pleaded, his voice and restraint wavering in equal measures.
"Say it."
"No." Aldo pushed Thomas back with a firm hand on his chest, tears welling up in his eyes while his stomach twisted into knots. "That's cruel, Thomas. You forget, this isn't about us. This is about God."
"Fine." Lawrence frowned, staring at the crucifix hanging on the wall for a quiet moment before moving to the door. He paused at the exit, shoulders rising and falling in deep breaths as his hand lingered on the handle. "We're not done talking about this. Call me once you find some sense."
He had the decency to at least softly close the door behind him.
The click of the door prompted Aldo to grasp at the nearest counter as he felt the effects of his skyrocketed heartbeat. Sense? Find some sense? He thought he was going to throw up. Bellini had been debating the ethics of kissing Thomas last week and had been avoiding the confessional all the while. That brought up the question, what Thomas had said - Love. He did care for his dearest friend, but did he love him? That was where Aldo had never allowed himself to think too deeply.
Maybe it was time to cross that bridge after all.