Chapter Text
“You wanted to be acknowledged, didn’t you? To be loved?”
The words of a cognitive figure strike deep into the heart of the boy in front of me, pitifully on the floor.
“So this is what Shido thinks of Akechi.” Skull mumbles.
“I’ll give you one last chance. Shoot them.” Cognitive Akechi demands.
Everyone, waiting, standing around in horrible anticipation, acting as if they’re helpless.
The barrel of Cognitive Akechi’s gun aimed straight at his torso.
“You’re the one who’s going to disappear!” Akechi shouts.
He shoots a shot right at his cognitive self and receives one in return, hitting him
I can’t leave him.
Pulling the gun from my holster, my legs carry me.
The die is cast.
I shoot the cognitive being through his head, its form exploding into black ash and rising up into a larger shadow. In the same moment, my left forearm takes the impact of his next hailing bullet.
The pain shoots through my arm, the blood sputters out of the wound as I look at his expression. He’s panicked, for the first time I can see right through him without asking.
“Silver! We need to move!” Joker shouts.
With my good arm, I yank Akechi’s, putting his weight on my shoulder, and I stagger out the door. Fast.
The adrenaline kicks in the moment we reach the lobby. My eyes are moving faster than my brain can keep up with. Everything is blurry, static, distorted. A sharp ringing in my ears accompanies the destruction of my senses, but I must keep moving.
“What the hell are you doing?” I can hear someone. It’s hard to discern who’s talking but the break in his voice tells me it’s Akechi running directly behind me.
I can’t bring myself to answer. I must keep moving.
“Through there!” I yell, nodding my head to the door leading to the main deck, the shadow lackeys gaining in on us.
I could get everyone killed from the decision I made.
Running. Running. Running. Running. My grip on his loosens… Run…running…running…running. Run…
Spirals of red and black appear under the cover of my eyelids.
An industrial whir…or perhaps a loop of thoughts rattling through my sockets.
I wasn’t thinking then and I can’t think now.
Am I dying?
I can’t die. Not yet. This can’t be the end.
Did I kill us all?
Is this my fault?
I’m acutely aware of my own deep breathing. I’m asleep but I’m not. A state between life and death. In my hallucinatory state, a blue butterfly flying across my vision. A symbol. A hope. A manifestation of my will. A reminder of why I chose to be who I am. Accompanied by a voice that carries me through a long, vacant tunnel. A beautiful voice of light cracking through the walls that tell me to live, to rehabilitate, and to live again, to be reborn.
I shoot awake under a fluorescent ceiling, writhing in pain, my retinas burning under brightness, my joints aching and clawing under my skin.
“...What?” I manage to speak.
“She’s awake!” A familiar voice rings. It’s Haru.
It takes all of my effort to push my body up from the hospital bed. Everyone is around me waiting. Everyone except him.
There’s a white cast and a matching sling around my arm that was shot. Noticeably staring, Makoto informs me, “The bullet shattered some of your bone…I’m sorry.”
“How did it transfer to reality? The bullets in the metaverse never actually injure.” I ask.
“We tried leaving the palace in a hurry. The line between reality and cognition was blending together.” Morgana perks out of Ren’s bag.
A reasonable conclusion. One I’m unsatisfied with remembering the events that happened not so long ago.
“Why would you do somethin’ like that? You risked your life for that guy!” Ryuji questions.
My jaw wires shut.
They’re all staring at me for an answer.
An answer I don’t have.
“I don’t know.” I muster out.
“Nevertheless, we are all very delighted to see that you are in good health.” Yusuke tells me.
“I think this was by far, the biggest hit we’ve ever done.” Makoto changes the topic.
“He’ll have a change of heart and our names will be cleared. This is great!” Ann adds.
…But what then?
“Don’t forget, we’re not doing this just for fame.” Morgana says.
“Indeed. Recalling the last time we allowed that to get in our heads, the outcomes were nothing but disastrous. We should watch our next steps carefully.” Yusuke says.
“How long was I out for?” I finally ask.
“Hmm, could’ve been about four days maybe.” Futaba says.
“Don’t worry though, I took pictures of the notes at school for ya.” Ryuji adds with a goofy smile.
I smile back. It’s good to still have this. Four days felt like four minutes. But in those four minutes, I couldn’t help but wonder if I had killed my friends.
“You doing alright?" Ren asks me.
"Yeah... but I'd rather be out of this room."
"You should still rest a bit before leaving. You seem a little shaken.” Makoto advises.
“It’s just a broken arm. I’ll be okay.”
“It’s not just that, everything that happened in the Palace. It was pretty scary.” Futaba says.
“Nothing new. I’ll be fine. Don't worry.”
“We managed to steal the treasure while you were asleep. Shido will confess everything about the mental shutdowns. I know it was kinda reckless going in without everyone but we were running out of time.” Ann adds.
There’s a feeling of dread and fear that grows inside of me.
“What happened to Akechi?” I ask.
“He’s fine. He was also sent to the hospital to recover and was released two days ago.” Haru gives a sympathetic reply.
“So he didn’t help you guys steal Shido’s treasure, did he?”
They look around at each other, disappointed.
When Shido confesses, Akechi will be dragged down with him. He’ll be thrown in prison.
This isn’t how I want things to end.
But it doesn’t matter what I think.
No matter how much I want to help I can’t.
I’m simply useless.
“You think he’ll try and go back into the palace to kill him?” Ryuji asks.
“No you idiot! The palace was destroyed, remember?” Morgana retorts.
“What’s stopping him from killing him in the real world?”
“Evidence. Traces led back to him. But who knows? Sometimes desperate people do desperate things.” Makoto adds.
“In his heart, I don’t think he’s a bad person. He was a victim too.” Haru adds.
“That doesn’t mean I forgive him.” Ryuji says.
“Who can?" I say, absentminded.
“Did you?” Ren finally speaks. For a man of few words, when he does talk, it carries almost too much of an impact.
“No. No, I didn't I just- my body moved on its own.” My eyes fail to meet his, or anyone's for that matter.
“Don't worry so much about it. What's done is done. Just try to get some rest. Unfortunately we still have school tomorrow.” Makoto says with a short smile, changing the topic.
“Thank you Makoto. I will.”
A few hours later, I’m being led out of the hospital by the group. The smell of the outdoors is an improvement from the constant smell of hospital chemicals and polypropylene fabric.
‘Was it a mistake?’ That thought never leaves my mind throughout the entire walk to the train station.
Chatter everywhere. All about Shido. The Phantom Thieves. Normally I would be all over this kind of gossip. Curious to see what the public seems to think of us now but I can’t bring myself to focus on their words.
I did it for his own good. I had to stop it. I wouldn’t have been better than any of those of evil if I stood by watching him kill himself in some half-assed, futile attempt at redemption. This was the best outcome.
I step off of the platform, fiddling with the keychain hanging off of my belt loop. Drab and filthy alleyways under a thick cloud of darkness and air pollution, large cookie-cutter buildings towering over the big city, a quiet and lonely elevator ride up to my housing with nothing but the noise of my own sentiments between my ears.
Apartment 304, empty as always.
Flicking on the lights of the living room, I remove my shoes and make my way to my mom’s room at the end of the short hallway.
A note left on her bedsheets:
“Still overseas. Will be gone for a few more months. Put money in your account. Love you.”
She’s been gone for 4 months thus far, the longest she’s ever been away.
The echo off of the open-floored apartment seep deeper into my soul with every click, tap, patter, and clank. I strip myself of my day clothes and head to the shower closest to my room, opposite end of my mother’s.
The water slides gently over my skin, washing away all my dread. Diluting the ache in my stomach of dread and anger.
Mindful of my broken arm I try to wash off the grease and grime in my hair. The sweat and exhaust of my body. The dried tears on my face. Emerging from the shower like I have been reborn. The day, or days, that I’ve had now left far behind me.
Yet like a cough, the thoughts of my future keep reemerging.
I still have to show up to school when I’m better. But more importantly, what’s going to happen next with him.
I haven’t seen nor talked to him since that day. No texts. No calls. Nothing.
Trying to distract myself with TV, writing, checking the news about anything Phantom Thief related, anything to painfully and slowly pass the time, it all feels redundant. The thought is like a stain on my mind.
Daily life can't feel anything more than mundane. I feel humid, nauseous with boredom, hopeful for an escape that'll never come.
Yearning for a life better than this.
A fantasy where I know everything.
Where I am not bound by mortality or the burden of existence.
Where the weight of this sack of organ and bone can be lifted.
I settle for falling asleep early.
~~~~~
The next day, I show up to school.
Too many questions are asked about my arm, my default response is that I fell down the stairs of my apartment complex and landed on a loose nail and broke my arm. Something stupid and simple.
“Hey, I was wondering if you want to hang out after school today? I wanted to treat you after your… injury.” Says a boy in my peripheral vision, hovering over my homeroom desk with a head of curly black hair and his signature fake glasses.
I don’t look up from my work. “I can’t today. There’s too much work I have to catch up on. I didn’t know four days of school was like missing four semesters. Teachers never give out this kinda homework.” I respond sadly.
“Then we can gather a group and have a study session.”
“I’ll think about it…”
“Is that all you’re thinking about?”
I raise my head at him and shake my head regretfully.
“He hasn’t said anything to me and I haven’t seen him.” I pause for a moment.
“When you see a person in need, it’s never wrong to try and help them. That’s why we’re Phantom Thieves.” He says the last part quieter, almost mouthing the words. It’s like he reads my thoughts. I’ll never understand it. He knows exactly what to say, knows exactly how to ease the dull ache of feeling too many things at once.
“But what if I caused more problems than I solved? I mean, his father will be brought to justice and I know Akechi did bad things too but I feel like he could learn better. Somewhere not in a prison. He’s still young, our age, and you probably know more about this than I do. I’m not saying he’d be better off dead but…He wanted to die. Should I have let him?”
“I think you should talk to him. I can’t give you the answers you’re looking for. Come to the study session. Maybe it’ll be good to think about something else.”
I take my time to contemplate.
Will this help?
“Okay.” I conclude with an uncertainty lingering in my gut.
“You can talk to us if you need to. We’re here for you.” He flashes me a charismatic smile.
“Thank you, Ren.”
He leaves my desk just as the bell rings.
I gather my things and walk towards the door.
I overhear a group of girls laughing to themselves.
“You really think that girl in your homeroom actually broke her arm?” One says.
“I mean she’s probably just doing it because she wants someone to feel sorry for her.” Another adds.
One of them takes a quick glance at me. I smile and wave to them as I leave. Scoffing, they start migrating back to their desks.
I breathe a sigh of relief, my heart racing from the adrenaline of such a common action. I wish I could just be normal.
The effort it takes to meet with the group is high, but I build up my courage anyway by telling myself that it’ll help me. Circling around the station in Yongen-Jaya, we walk as a group to our favorite cafe.
But through the frosted windows of Leblanc, I find a familiar face sitting on the barstool, sipping coffee.
Akechi.
The others pile through the door, I hesitantly follow.
His eyes meet mine for a brief second.
A second that tells me everything.
His anger, his fear, his contempt.
All covered up in a blink.
As if it never existed.
His gaze flicks to Ren.
“You’re back.” Akechi says in his most neutral tone to avoid spilling out the hatred he’s been desperately covering up.
I’ve been set up.
Sojiro lifts his head from grinding coffee beans to give us a motion to have any conversations regarding us upstairs, to spare ourselves from the unwanted attention of his regulars.
Nothing is said as we all climb the steps.
The second we enter Ren’s room, Akechi quickly states, “I want nothing to do with you are your band of thieves. Don’t expect any sort of allegiance from me, I didn’t ask that bitch to save me.”
“Akechi…” Ren tried to say.
“Shut up Amamiya! You.” He gestures to me. “What the hell did you do?” He half-shouts, filled with rage. I don’t understand.
“I saved your life is what I did!” I shout back.
“By risking not only yours but your comrades’ life?! You foolish girl!”
“We all survived didn’t we?” Despite saying this, I still can’t help but hate the fact that he may be right.
“I want to speak with her alone.” He says to the others.
They give him hesitant looks due to his anger and their concern for me. They eventually come to the decision of returning downstairs, leaving only me and Akechi.
“Why did you save my life?...” He says calmer this time. It doesn't matter, there's no hiding the sickening cadence directed towards me.
“I had to. You would’ve died for nothing. It wouldn’t have been ri-”
He cuts me off, “For nothing?!” Pausing, quirking his brow. “I chose to stay there so you all could get out. I would’ve died actually meaning something. I would’ve died being praised for my last attempts at redemption! On my own terms!”
There’s a sudden pang of guilt that washes over my body like a wave.
But as waves do they come and go.
This one didn’t stay for long.
Only impulse remains.
I retort back with a justification, any kind that will satiate, unsure of the truth behind it,
“You wouldn’t have died anything! That’s not how you redeem yourself! Shouldn’t you of all people know that? You live with your shit and you keep going. Make amends with the people you’ve hurt. A martyr is what you would’ve died. I saved your life because death is too GOOD for you!’”
His face contorts into a mixture of sadness and a bitter acknowledgment.
“I used to care a lot about you, you know?” I take a moment choking on tears that don’t dare to spill in front of him. “Because even though you weren’t a Phantom Thief, even though you were working against us, I trusted you. I empathized with your shitty situation, we kicked ass together, and for a short moment, you were my friend Akechi, whether you want to believe it or not.”
Not a single word fills this dead air of silence
Silence, but his face now visible with sorrow and contemplation
Contemplation over his next move
Move? As if it were a game of chess
But it’s not. He knows that he doesn’t have to play this game anymore or hold up his facade. He paces a few steps to Ren’s sofa, sitting with his head in his hands, fingers yanking at the darker strands of his hair. Looking at him, in all honesty he looks like shit. Like he hadn’t slept or showered since the incident. His hair, greasier, his eyes shown visibly by the dark circles, signs of his restlessness and horror shown only to me, but to the public he would still manage to look almost pristine. His halo is slowly cracking.
“I’m sorry Akechi.” Quiet, hot tears fall down my eyes. My body betraying my previous words.
“Stop being sorry.” He responds sternly.
I walk towards the sofa and take a seat next to him. He releases his hair and clasps his hands together over his knees.
“What are you going to do?” I try to reach out to him with my words. It’s pointless and this is uncomfortable but I don’t want it to be. But oh god, I can't stop it.
“Nothing? It’s not like I lived with the bastard. He didn’t want me around him so he rented an apartment for me to live in outside of Kichijoji. It’s funny. He doesn’t even know I’m his son, yet he still tries to house me, in some semblance. Or maybe he did know, and this was just another way to keep me on his leash the way he never failed to do.” He says.
I can’t think of anything else to say. I’m starting to wish that bullet would’ve killed me to save me from the unbearable embarrassment.
“But none of that matters. I’ll be in prison soon enough after he confesses everything tonight.” His voice is calmer, just for a brief second.
“Why didn’t you want to stay with the Phantom Thieves?” I ask him.
He scoffs. “Haven’t we been over this?”
“What if that was the way of redeeming yourself? You wanted someone to care about you. You could’ve had us.”
“You don’t understand! I’m too different from you all. I’ve always been alone and I’ll always be alone. That’ll never change! On top of that, your sense of justice pisses me off. You act as if you’re so fucking righteous meanwhile I get reprimanded for the shit that I’ve done?! As if taking away someone's free will is something to be praised.”
“It’s not all just about stealing hearts. I meant that… You could be friends with us. You don’t have to be alone! We could be here for you.”
He gives me a look of some sort of astonishment.
“You stupid, naive girl. Did you not just fucking tell me I didn't deserve any kind of mercy? Why would I need your pity either?”
His next thoughts are cut off by a vibration as Ren climbs the stairs.
“Are you guys okay?” He asks.
“No.” I reply.
“Sojiro says that he’s closing up shop so we gotta continue this some other time. Hopefully all of us.” He spares a glance at Akechi who refuses to pull his eyes off of me.
“We were just finishing up anyway.” I stand up and stride down the stairs and out of the cafe.
I’m left in the dark with just the sharp ring of the bell.
I open my phone to check the incoming message in the groupchat:
______________________________
10:03 PM
PTs
RYUJI: Hey, how was your talk with Akechi?
He just asked why I did it. :ME
MAKOTO: I heard some of it. I just want to let you know I think you did the right thing.
MAKOTO: Even if he doesn’t think so.
But what if I didn’t do the right thing… :ME
He wanted to sacrifice himself for the greater good. :ME
I took that away from him. :ME
RYUJI: So what? He wants to atone for his shit, right? How’s he gonna do that ‘f he’s dead?
YUSUKE: I agree. I believe he should pay for his wrongdoings by going to prison along with Shido.
I just don’t think that’s the only way. :ME
I mean… The prison system is corrupt on its own. :ME
He’s done really bad things but being abused by another corrupt system won’t fix anything. :ME
FUTABA: Uhhh, hello? Did we forget that he’s behind the mental shutdowns?
But he was being controlled by Shido. :ME
Yeah he was partially to blame but imprisonment won’t help him change. :ME
MAKOTO: Are you proposing a change of heart?
No. We can’t do that. I doubt he’d even have a shadow right? He’s a persona user. :ME
He should do it the traditional way. :ME
ANN: How do we know he’ll stay good if you somehow convince him to be better?
I don’t know, it was just a thought. :ME
There’s nothing I can do about it. It’s a waiting game now. :ME
_____________________________
I shut off my phone and I walk back to the train station. A so-called hangout with my friends ruined by the pain of seeing Akechi again. I want to say that I didn’t expect this at all but in all honesty, there was a part of me that knew. I wanted to be hopeful for the future but I didn’t even consider what would happen after I saved his life.
I’m a fucking idiot.
Tonight… Shido will reveal everything. An event that we as Phantom Thieves have been waiting for as justice will finally be served to the one who needed it most, yet I dread every second that passes.
What have I done? I condemned a poor boy to a lifetime of imprisonment. His very existence will be held accountable and there is nothing I can do to stop it. Acting on my own stupid impulse created the worst possible outcome for everyone.
I don’t even realize myself walking onto the train, bumping into the passengers, or much of the train ride at all. As if my brain were on autopilot, my memory suppressed and betrayed by itself and my own guilt.
The TVs blare loudly as an announcement comes. The gasps and shock of all of the people on the train awakening me from my trance. I draw my eyes to the screen of a female news reporter delivering a statement about the election or something incomprehensible to me. Reading the words, my stomach drops to the floor and my heart races the train’s speed.
‘ELECTION CANDIDATE: MASAYOSHI SHIDO COMMITTED SUICIDE’